More Mindless Stories on ‘real housewives of atlanta recap’
Since I’m like Santa and traveling all the live-long day, I’ll be recapping the donkey booty out of the latest crapisode of RHOA…by memory. Please note I may have gone in and out of consciousness during the episode as I can’t seem to follow what in the holy hell is going on, on the regular (of course). What I do know is that Phae Phae apparently really does give a phuck about bringing that stripper to Kandi’s random 35th self-thrown birthday party and pissing off Kandi’s mom, because she baked a cake and headed over to Kandi’s Salvation Army clothing store to mend fences. The amount of ass in that store really should be qualified as a national treasure and national monument all at the same time. I’m sure Washington is giving a “two-fa-one” anyway.
I know I’ve said this before, but I thank my sweet and loving Jesus each and every day that Phaedra is on this trash box television show. At first I thought she was the step-daughter of Mr. Devil Satanson, but now I love her more with each sh*t-eating-grin she displays. We should all be thankful. I mean, all the “Mmm hmmm’s” and “Oh child” is just an added bonus for the wonder that is Phaedra. As a sidenote I don’t understand why Kandi’s mother is still up in arms about that dumb stripper who, not only did the helicopter with his junk but could also most likely take flight from said action. To make things worse, Kandi’s mother is so distraught that she’s been forced to change up her wig and miraculously transform herself into Pearl from 227 right before my very own eyes. I mean when Jesus turned water into wine that was pretty cool, but this is truly amazing. Either way, she’s pissed. As we know Joyce (yes it took me this long to remember her name which is why I kept referring to her as “Kandi’s mother”) “ain’t never none liked no stripper.” Truer words have never been spoken. We do learn, however, that Joyce has been around strippers before with Kandi. The event, you ask? Why that would be Kandi’s baby shower. Yes, baby shower. And here’s your box of diapers, a rattle for the baby, a mobile for the crib and, well, here’s some raunchy dude who’s going to take down his underoos and slap you in the facia bruta with his diggity-ding-dong. You’re welcome. Good luck with the baby!
Speaking of families who hate each other, She By Chapter 11 is meeting up with her ex-husband so that he and the kids can kick the soccer ball around for 5 minutes (on camera) before Shy By takes him aside and talks to him about not paying child support for 4 years. He By Sheree seems to think that he doesn’t have to pay child support since they settled for “a-seven-figguh-deal” during divorce proceedings. However, She By Sheree begs to differ and ends their family picnic by throwing a little bit of water in his face like he just came off the field and needs to cool down. She By Chapter 11 is going to enlist the help of one Ms. High Class Phaedra Parks to see what her legal options are. I think the problem with this is that She By just wants to see if she can get He By to pay her some money for the kids, but Phaedra seems to be under the impression that this is a lynching and may or may not end in the death penalty for He By. During their “legal meeting” in Phaedra’s office (after she drops that her #1 client is Bobby Brown – kiss my ass!) She By starts to what I assume is cry because she’s wiping her eyes with a tissue, but I never see any form of a liquidy substance drip from said eyes. Even Phae Phae begins to phake the tears and everyone has some hard decisions to make. At the end of the day, I couldn’t give 2 Shasta McNasty’s.
In continuing to speak of families who hate each other, let’s discuss Cynthia and her sister. What. The. F? Cynthia’s sister is clearly the Taylor Armstrong of this season as she’s crying in every single scene. Apparently this time around she’s crying again because there’s a small chance that Cynthia is going to have to front Sebastian from Under the Sea $40,000 because one of his investors checks bounced. Oh no! What will ever happen to the ill-fated Bar One club that’s in the middle of what I can only imagine to be present-day Tajikistan? Either that or the sister is crying because Cynthia is forcing her to be the receptionist at her modeling agency that is sans models. If it was me I’d be crying because I was the sister who didn’t get the “model pretty” looks. Oh well. I’m sure she’s a nice person and, well, that’s what really matters. I’m kidding. That’s what pretty people say to “the ugly.”
So no joke, I thought Bar One looked like a pretty nice place. I mean, that is until I opened my eyes, saw it, and then decided it’s the type of place that I would go to die. Why does everyone brag by saying, “It’s very Miami Beach.” Has anyone really been to Miami Beach? It’s a dump and the whole place smells like re-fried beans from Johnny Rockets on Ocean Drive. Don’t pretend you don’t know that. Either way, Bar One is evidently in the middle of the ghetto, which I think is charming. Phaedra made me squeal with delight when she said, “Well, honey, even people in the hood need to drink.” Oh Phaedra, I shall be seeing you in hell shan’t I? If Peter was smart he’d have the entire theme of the bar be The Little Mermaid and sing Under the Sea until he vomited seaweed. At least that’s how I’d run things. And to make things even better (?) he surprised everyone by unveiling a giant wall that had a portrait of Cynthia on it sporting an afro. Quaint. I think the only thing that will save this club is if they push the letters closer together on the sign, changing the name from Bar One to Barone, an Italian Bistro. Just a thought.
In the end, there was all this drama with some dude named Charles and the rumor that NeNe banged him whilst she was still married to Greg. Personally I don’t care, nor understand any of this, as the thought of NeNe having sex immediately gives me the non-stop image of a rabid moose running into a red barn door over and over again. Plus, I’m pretty sure if you see NeNe having actual sex that means 6 more weeks of winter and, well, no one wants that.
P.S., Shecky Zolciak hates her mother for having this baby.
Chateau Sh*t Show - Since someone secured a seven-figah-set-tle-ment the money seems to be raining down on She By Hooray. So much so, in fact, that she’s bought a home, tearing it down, and then building an 8,ooo sq foot home on the land. It will, of course, have a room for her kids to roller skate, a place for She By to work out, and a little 1K sq foot nook so she can get massages. Here’s the deal, I know She By keeps saying it’s in a super exclusive neighborhood so I immediately started playing Where’s Waldo in the background and am pretty sure I saw a raised-ranch across the street. Ooo la la. So she’s going to have Chateau Future Foreclosure (that will be my title) built on a hill looking down on a couple of ranches and bungalows down the street. That makes sense. I just hope this house gets built quickly so she can get back to work on making beautiful dresses for Fashion Bug, DOTS, and 5-7-9.
I Don’t Care What I Said in the Past, Me Gusta Phaedra - I don’t care what I said in the past, me gusta Phaedra. Does that seem like deja vu? Does that seem like deja vu? High five for 6th grade jokes! High five for 6th grade jokes! Anyjunkindatrunk, I love Phaedra. She is a sizzlin’ hot mess. First off she’s basically wearing a J Lo jumper and has the word “His” bedazzles across one giant donkey ass cheek. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. And Phaedra is lovin’ the the McGriddle from the looks of it. I wouldn’t want her any other way…unless she was wearing her pink jumper at the funeral parlor. Moving on. Looks like Apollo was pulled over by police and one of Phae Phae’s phriends found out and called her to tell her the gossip. To be honest I can’t really follow what actually happened. It was like they were speaking in code. Code that only people in prison can hear. Apollo looks like he’s about one more “pull over” from playing a little Ike and Tina with poor little Phaedra. Big wheel keep on turnin’.
Ding Dong! Awkward’s at the Front Door - Nene’s youngest son is basically saying how much he hates it that she and Greg are separated and he has to live in two different homes. NeNe is pretty much like, “we may get back together.” Yeah, way to provide false hope when you’ve been running your mouth that you’re getting divorced. I’ll take “Psychological Damage” for $800. Suddenly the doorbell rings and it’s creeptastic Greg ready to slowly walk into the house with his head down the whole time. He and NeNe kiss on the cheek and make it seem like things are fine. My favorite part, however, is how they didn’t look each other in the eye the whole time. It’s like a prostitutes relationship with her pimp…if her pimp were her dad…and slow. There I said it. I’m not sure exactly what I’m getting at but, let’s face it, this episode is a snoozeroo.
I Found Rocky Dennis in One of the Scenes - Did you?
Why Doesn’t Peter Like My Little Phae Phae? - So Peter, who may or may not be the voice of Sebastian from The Little Mermaid that I’ve seen 5,039 times because of my niece, doesn’t like Phaedra and decided to cackle like a little school-girl in heat to some cracktastic magazine. Seriously dude, get your own show and stop trying to steal the spotlight from your dead-behind-the-eyes wife. In this article he simply states that he doesn’t like Phaedra’s ass. How could he not? So rude. But Phaedra gets the last laugh by calling him Papa Smurf since he has a white beard and a ton of kids he has to take care of. Kinda brilliant, if I do say so myself. I mean, she also called him Uncle Ben, but even I wouldn’t touch that joke with a ten foot NeNe pole. I can, however, laugh over Papa Smurf because last I heard it’s ok to be racist towards blue people.
Kim’s Baby Shower: Phaedra’s Shower Part II - Did anyone get a good look at the life size pictures of Kim and Kroy at Kim’s baby shower? Priceless. In each one Kim looked like one of those life-like sex dolls that I hear they sell. She literally looks like a dead Muppet hooker in each and every photo. I was pausing it looking for the chalk outline in each but, alas, I came up empty (like Cynthia’s pockets). There was actually one picture with Kroy and the kids and Kim wearing some type of wrap about her rack. Literally, it was like a piece of silk covering only her bare breasts. So motherly. I remember when my family took our family portrait and my mom forgot to wear her top too. Oh mom!
For reasons that I don’t currently understand, Kim’s dad goes over to Phaedra, starts talking to her about being a lawyer, and then hands her a business card saying he can help her out because he’s worked with lawyers for over 30 years. Doing what? And who networks at their daughter’s baby shower whilst on camera. Phaedra actually looked like she thought she could catch “crazy white person” simply from talking to him. And you know what, recent test results show that you can, in fact, catch that.
One of my favorite parts of the shower was when little Schecky Zolciak gave a speech about her mom and Kroy and said, “…and now she’s knocked up, so thanks.” Kim starting fanning herself to fight away the tears. The littlest Zolciak daughter, who was dressed like Madonna from the Like a Virgin days, just was looking at everyone like when Cindy Brady froze when she saw that damn red light whilst on the random game show. Truth be told I want to be a Zolciak for a day. There has to be some radio contest for that. Hopefully. I’ll start looking into it. Eh, at least it’s nice that Kroy treats them well. He’ll be gone as soon as he’s traded to a different team or gets cut and ends up on disability. Whichever comes first. I’m not God. I don’t know everything. But trust me.
In the end, Cynthia and Peter show up literally 5 hours late for the shower and don’t bring a gift. Trash bags. Peter plops himself down at Phaedra’s table and Kandi is the only one who’s talking to him. He says he’ll invite her to his new bar opening and Phae Phae says that Peter won’t invite her because he doesn’t like her. I actually started laughing out loud. Good for Phae Phae. Phae even drags in She By to the table conversation by calling Peter out for saying that She By isn’t cute. I’m glad they called him out for being such a gossipy little nina. From there a fight ensues between Apollo and Peter. I mean it was nothing like the Real Housewives of New Jersey christening fight, but it did resemble it. Apollo kept calling Peter and old man and I began to squeal with delight. The police suddenly came over and everyone ran like rats on a sinking ship. Now how come there were police at Kim’s 100 person baby shower, but not one cop at the Gorga’s 300 person Italian christening? These are just some things that we’ll never know. Like is the earth really round? It can’t be answered.
Programming Note: IBBB is traveling home for Thanksgiving starting tonight and will miss the RHOBH but hope to catch it again this week and recap the pants off of it. Stop complaining. Be thankful I’m alive.
See what I did there? You know why me gusta Phaedra? Because while others are trying to use the Housewives series to start a singing career, kick off a sex toy line, and launch a few books, Phaedra simply wants to own a funeral home and become a funeral director. Is that creepy? Of course. Do I love it? You know it. Am I asking and answering my own questions? None of your business. I honestly thought last week with Phaedra and the funeral was the last we’d see of it, but this week she’s doing some additional “learning” with Willie Watkins. Too bad his middle name wasn’t “Walter” or something because then his funeral website could be www.www.com. I think it’s a great idea. Buy it. From taking a peek at a wide variety of caskets, including ones that Phae-Phae thinks is so cheap she should just give it to them for free, to watching the man in the top hat march in the parking lot with all the funeral cars in the background. And, seriously, what was up with the cars that played music on the outside as it drove? I don’t know if it’s just me but the whole thing reminded me an episode of The Women of Brewster Place. And the fact that Mr. Willie thought that Phaedra needed to wear a dress that went past her knees so she had to whip out a lace handkerchief and cover herself was, well, everything my heart could desire and more. And also, less.
Later in their own random version of Oregon Trail, Cythnia (who’s still on the show), NeNe, and Kandi all take a trip to Miami for a “girls only” weekend. They really needed to get away and, you know, film a TV show at the same time so this makes perfect sense. The ladies can’t figure out for the life of them why there are so many other women everywhere they are and why, in fact, most of these women have short butch-like haircuts. Hmmm, I wonder would it could be. Spoiler Alert: Some randoms had to stop and tell them at lunch that they were in Miami during Lesbian Weekend. I figured that should probably capitalized. Either way, the odds aren’t in Kandi and NeNe’s favor to land themselves some men this weekend. Although, they did have a little luck at the beach when they sparked up some conversation with two random dudes with creepy accents throwing a Frisbee at each other like they were French dogs. And one of the dudes was extra Level III because he kept pressing his body up against each lady when he kissed them on the cheek. Gross. Sidenote, kudos to Kandi for showing off her rump roast whilst on the beach and, well, running like that at one point.
Things take a random turn when they all have to go with NeNe to look at a property she may want to buy that is listed at $9 million. Sure. Ok. I believe NeNe can afford a $9 million dollar home like I can afford a triple scoop ice cream cone with chocolate dip. What? We’re in a recession (I guess) and sometimes you have to choose between the 3rd scoop or the chocolate dip. I mean, you could always order both and then write a check, but that typically holds up the line. Um, I’ve heard. Anyjunkinthetrunk, it’s not like I think NeNe doesn’t have some “extra money” as compared to last season, but the fact that she keeps on screaming in everyones face that she’s rich is a little bit of a reach. It’s like when really short dudes by really big trucks. And, therefore, I don’t by for a fact that she can afford $9 million. If she could I’m sure she would have bought her son a car more expensive than $13,999 from last week. Also, I don’t really care. Blonk! Bloop, bloop, bloop!
Speaking of “where did your money go?” why was Sheree taking her son to Play It Again Sport for cleats? Is that place filled with used sports items? And, not for nothing, but what ever happened to She By Sheree? She knew she had a son, right? She should have added cleats to her fashion line. I kind of felt bad for her son especially because she was calling him out as quiet and shy and she was doing it on camera in front of “The America.” Because at the end of the day there’s nothing more shy kids like than being embarrassed and on camera. Lucky kid. Hopefully the fact that Sheree called out that he’s a size 14 cleat will increase the chances of this kid getting a couple of dates.
Is it wrong that I was missing Phaedra after 20 minutes? Well, I was. Like NeNe, I OWN it! Phaedra really wants her husband, Apollo, to join this funeral business and possibly be in charge of embalming. Sounds fun! Unfortunately, he kinda doesn’t want any part of the dead at all. Phae Phae, of course, can’t seem to understand this and thinks that his current job is basically unimportant and boring. Truth be told, she’s right. Maybe he can just be responsible for driving the cars or releasing the dove at the end? Either way, she’s his meal ticket so he should just do as she says like a true southern gentleman (greeter).
In the end, Kroy is trying to pull this elaborate surprise party for Kim’s 33rd (wink wink) birthday which consists of inviting about 7 people and ordering cold-cuts, fruit, and a chair massage. After Kim and Kroy make it out to dinner (after Kim had to stop and pee 3,000 times) their conversation centers around guns. Yes guns. But, no, not for them to shoot but for their newborn baby to eventually shoot. I think having a gun is a terrible idea and I think it’s even worse when it’s Kim’s house because one night she’s going to eventually be drunk and try to light her cigarette with the gun and accidentally shoot her wig right off! Or, Sweetie will eventually pick the lock and shoot Kim in cold blood. Either way, Kim gets her gift from Kroy which is a $22,000 bracelet. So, yeah, thinking your husband really spent a bundle on your “Kay’s Jewelry” tennis bracelet probably really wasn’t that big of a deal after all. Oh, and by the way every kiss doesn’t begin with “K.” I mean there are french kisses and those begin with “Ph” “F.” So stop lying, Kay’s! Finally, Kim makes it home and is surprised by the 10 people standing in her kitchen. At least the sex talk in front of the kids really livened things up so, well, there’s that. Everyone seemed to really like Kroy and I do too. I’m kidding, I don’t. I prefer Kim’s boyfriends to be invisible and never shown on camera. Blonk!
Obligatory Starter: When I walk into a room, SPUMONI!
So Wait a Second, You Mean to Tell Me Lawrence Isn’t Sweetie? - Tuck your didgeridoo between your legs and make a wish because it’s time for Lawrence to sing “Closet Freak” at some random bowling alley-like place in Hatlanta. It’s as tragic as you might envision. And I don’t even care that he’s dressed like the step-daughter of Madea. I mean sure at one point I gave a shout of to In Living Color by yelling “Hated it!” towards my television but I digest. And I don’t think anyone enjoyed the performance more than Kandi’s mother, who may be “with alcohol” on the regular. The only confused face in the whole crowd was Zolciak who looked like she couldn’t figure out why his microphone wasn’t directly in front of his mouth the whole time so we couldn’t see him, you know, “form words.”
Is $3000 for an Open Bar at a Wedding Really A Lot? - Cynthia and her weave-o-da-day is (closet) freakin’ out that her wedding is in just a couple of days and she has to still pay the open bar bill for her wedding which is $3,000. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a nice chunk of change, but is that really a lot for a wedding? I thought she was getting a deal, to be honest. Anymacysmodeling, desperate times call for desperate measures because Cynthia has to ask her dad to see if he can foot the bill. Yeah, no. Nothing like giving someone 24 hours notice. To no surprise he ain’t (ai-not) able to help out so it looks like people are going to just have to bring their own booze to the wedding. More on this later.
Phaedra’s Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day - Whoa. Stop. The. Press. Phaedra isn’t a robot b*tch after all. I take it all back. Fine, I only take back 24.6% of it back. When Phae Phae has to head back to the working world she is shedding tears when she has to leave Ayden for the first time. Well actually it’s the second time. The first time she took off during her maternity leave to go booze it up and tickle the balls of strippers in Miami with names like “Chocolate Thunder” and “Long Dong Silver.” So anyway, this is the second time she had to leave her baby and is actually showing real signs of emotion. I’m not comfortable with any of this. I just yelled out “Boobies!” to lighten the mood.
Kim Can’t Afford to Pay Kandi for Her Music Because She Just Bought Boobs - Kandi FINALLY confronts Kim about paying her for, you know, the music that she created. This time around, she’s going to owe Kandi money for “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” if she ever wants it released and, literally, tens of people are waiting to make it their ring-tone. Kim doesn’t think she should have to pay a lot since she is the “artist” and has to make herself look good on stage by purchasing new breasts and the like. Unless Kim is buying herself a singing vaginastein for her performances, I’m not interested.
Secondhand Embarrassment with Sheree’s “Acting.” – I’m red in the face. We’ve been kidnapped and brought to another one of Sheree’s “auditions.” Seriously, why? She’s basically only qualified to be the tree in the background of a 4th graders school play and even then I don’t know if she’d be a Spruce or an Evergreen and, well, that’s mainly just because I don’t know the difference between the two. Moving on. Sheree is doing so bad that they’re actually telling her to stop because she’s basically just “posing.” In fact, the talent agent (?) is so pissed at Sheree that she’s basically acting out her lines for her. And even Margaret Cho is less than pleased with Sheree’s portrayal of “angry.” Whether she’s playing angry, happy, intense, sad, or exited she always sounds the exact say way: You. Meantotell. Me. That. I’m. Notgoingtoget. The. Part? Ath-uh-lete.
I Feel Like We Should Put Cynthia’s Sister on Suicide Watch - It’s the morning of the worst-idea-for-a-wedding in the world and Cynthia’s sister is literally brought to tears because she doesn’t think that AnnaMae should be marrying Sebastian the Crab during their Under the Sea wedding. She’s not even crying like a couple of tears…she’s border-line uncontrollable. Later Cynthia has to bail from the house and takes a walk to the park and her mom comes to find her and then her mom ends up crying uncontrollably because she doesn’t think Cynthia should be getting married. I don’t even think I would be as concerned that they were crying because they didn’t want me to marry someone, but I would be more concerned that they would be willing to do it on camera. That’s when I would be like, “Whoa this is no joke.” For real, why is she marrying Sebastian? Is it just because she wants to defy King Triton?
Greg Says Sorry – Honestly I couldn’t care less about Greg apologizing to NeNe. I mean, if he’s willing to admit that he is actually her father, not Curtis, then I would be more interested in this storyline. If not, get a divorce and get interesting and get interesting quickly. If NeNe wants to get her “happy” back she should turn to a life of drugs. I heard that works. I’m kidding. It doesn’t. Like my 6th grade nun used to say, “Drugs. It’s 15 seconds of heaven and a life time of hell.” I was always like, “How does she know? Hmmm Sister Crack-Head?”
Time For the Drunken Wedding Talk With Your Daughter - Cynthia may or may not be 3 sheets to the wind whilst she’s getting her hair slicked the F down to her head. Therefore it makes the most sense that she take this time to have a talk with her 11 year old daughter and do so with her eyes halfway shut and rambling on and on about how it’s still she and her daughter…and Peter, but still she and her daughter…and Peter. Seriously, Cynthia’s sister should protest this wedding by taking off all of her clothes and holding up a sign that says, “I’d Rather Go Naked, Than Marry Peter.” See what I did there? See what I kinda did there? I don’t know, there is some joke in there about Peter and Peta and that “Go Naked” campaign. I’m tired, you dig to try and find it.
Hooray New Boobs for Kim! - You know what I always thought Kim needed? New boobs. This time around Kim is calling Sweetie via a microphone hooked up to a speaker so she can help get Kim and her new boobs out of bed. Is it just me or did the producers try to tie up all loose ends with everyone in his last episode? Like, every single person’s story was wrapped up…but it seems like it was taped after the regular season was taped. How come we’re just seeing Kim’s new boobs now and not her going in for the surgery? Was she “sans wig” during this time? This is what “the people” want to know. And you totally know that Kim’s boyfriend, Kroy, totally gets tee’d off on from all is Falcon teammates on the regular for banging the bag out of Kim Zolciak. I mean, who could live that mess down.
Ways to Save Money on Your Wedding: Remove Front Teeth. - You know how I hate to make fun of people. Hahaha I could hardly type that without cracking up. That one was just for us. But anyway, Peter’s mother? Really? She shows up to the wedding and literally is missing her two front teeth. Had she been an 8 year old, I would have let this slide. I don’t care if you don’t have money. You mean to tell me no one in your family could have bought you 2 teeth? Really. Really? It’s like, Hey mom what do you want for your birthday this year? (Mom) “Um, teeth? Two please!” That’s how that works.
Time for the Actual Wedding - Everyone is arriving for the wedding at the…Dinosaur Museum (burp). Half of Atlanta’s men are arriving with full sets of pearls and high heels, per usual. Cynthia suddenly remembers that she forgot to bring the marriage license with her and won’t be able to get married unless someone can go and get it. This is when this show suddenly turns into an episode of “Sister Sister.” Apparently, Cynthia’s sister has the marriage certificate but is hiding it from her in hopes that this won’t make the wedding legal and Cynthia’s mom is in on the hijinks. Here’s the deal. It’s a brilliant idea. Here’s where it falls short. You’re on camera plotting this. I mean, this is how a life of crime starts. First you’re stealing a marriage license and next thing you know you’re knocking over a 7-11 and clubbing baby seals. There’s a theme.
“Sister Sister” decides not to withhold the marriage license, but that doesn’t mean that she’s not going to break down crying 2 more times over the fact that her sister is making a horrible mistake. She can’t even look at the camera because she’s crying too much. What would Jackee do, one would wonder.
Meanwhile. Team Zolciak shows up and brings their own bottle of wine to give to the waiter and ask him to hold it for them, not give it to anyone else, and stand around them for 30 minutes to be there to refill their glasses. This is why this is suspect. First off, Kim would never split a bottle of wine with anyone. Second off, Kim would drink at least 3 bottles of wine over the course of the night. Third off, Kim was probably already pregnant at this point and it was probably a non-alcoholic wine and she didn’t want to tip anyone off so that they wouldn’t go to the press before she got paid by Life & Style Magazine to sell/tell her “exclusive” story. Seriously, I think I’m on to something with that.
Cynthia finally puts on her wedding dress (?) which may or may not be made out of a Jiffy Pop bag. At one point I wanted someone to put some vegetables on her and toss her on the grill. However, she decides not to jump on the grill, but instead walks down the aisle before Ike takes a swing at AnnaMae. Basically, getting ready for the wedding took over 9 hours. The wedding itself? Eh, about 3 minutes 47 seconds. They just exchanged vows, never exchanged rings, and nothing else took place. I was kind of hoping that Peter’s mother would have taken some teeth from the dinosaurs and jammed them up in her gums but, alas, it never happened. I was truly let down.
In the end, everyone danced. Let me rephrase that. Everyone danced? Was it just me or were there not more than 2 people on the dance floor at a time? Either way, the highlight was when Dwight brought his other half over to meet NeNe. This dude may or may not have been a meth-addict-pimp. Only time will tell.
Well folks, that ends another season of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Where has the time gone? Where has my brain gone? Well when they be back?
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Seriously how many episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta have there been this season? It’s like Flinstone Movie sequels. Well we’re definitely down to the wire with the season finale next week, but that doesn’t mean that all the women can’t be stuck in a sh*t storm at a Miami mansion and just basically fight the entire time. Here are some wondrous events that took place on the latest crapisode of RHOA:
Obligatory Starter – When I walk into a room, PAYOLA!
The Turtle Head Pushing Through – NeNe is still fighting on the bus with Kim and her head is moving in and out like a turtle with rabies…in every sense of the word. As usual, all Kim always says is “get out of my F’n face! In usual form, NeNe fights back by saying some of my favorite fight phrases, “I am a grown-ass woman.” This is very reminiscent of Snooki from just a few episode ago of Jersey Shore screaming at Sammi, “You are a skanky ass b*tch.” Just add the word “ass” to any insult, lather, rinse, repeat. I like how they make it look like they’re still fighting as the pull the bus into the Miami “estate” but when they show the fight you can see the highway in the background going about 70 mph. At one point I saw the Wicked Witch on a bike in the background with Toto peaking out of a basket. P.S I know how to work it, NBC.
She’s Such a Monster, a Monster Full of Trash – The fighting continues outside the bus with Sweetie chain-smoking in the background like she just “did scissors” in an all women prison for a carton of Misty 120’s. Meanwhile Kim is smoking out of the other side of her mouth (per usual) and NeNe is still fighting, yet making me laugh at the same time. She actually says to Kim that she’s lucky she didn’t throw her off the bus and poke out both her eyes. She even adds the sound effects of popping out her eyeballs which, of course, is “bloop bloop.” I mean, priceless. She ends the argument by calling Kim a “monster, a monster full of trash.” I don’t actually know what that is but, you know what, I’m going to be using that on the regular. It may or may not replace me ending my normal sentences with, “trash box.” For example, “Did you get my text message, trash box?” Blonk!
If You’re a World Class Pedophile, Do I Have the Property For You! – If Joey Gladstone got a spin-off show from Full House, this would be his set. First of all there are dinosaurs everywhere like you’re driving up Route 1, Saugus (shout out, what what!). Second there are life-like people just placed all around the house. Some are old men, some are native American women with aprons on and traditional head-dresses. Oh, and the owner had his dog stuffed from when he was little. That’s how I want to go, by being stuffed…or perhaps doing the stuffing. I haven’t decided. At one point I saw a pig sitting on a toilet reading a dictionary next to a silver skull head, which was directly next to a stack of GQ magazines. If Martha Stewart was on a meth-binge, this is how she would decorate. As a sidenote, this is all classic trailer décor of Butch and April from Teen Mom.
So Thomas is Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Husband, Right? – Creeptastic, minus the tastic. Thomas, the Miami mansion owner is ready to gang bang the bag out of these women if the cameras weren’t there. In fact, I’m sure he’ll do it even with the cameras and will kill the camera crew and then stuff them and position them all around the house like a Dickens Christmas Village. And you totally know that Kim blew her way into getting her and her friends a “free” weekend. Also, every time Thomas ends his sentences with “Dahhhhling” take a shot (either of vodka or “to the privates.”)
Sweetie Isn’t a Slave, Due to Her Pay – Kim is sitting with Sweetie on the front stairs, sipping White Zin and smokin’ like a choo-choo f’n train and asking Sweetie if she thinks she is a slave. Rule of thumb: If you have to ask, it’s an issue.
Are Kim and Kandi the Debbie Gibson and Tiffany of Small Concert Touring? – It’s the final thick cellulite leg of the tour and Kim and Kandi are basically singing on the side of the street to about 25 people who just happened to be walking by. The car drops off Kim in the middle of said crowd and she immediately lights up a cigarette so that she can really warm up her voice. Because, boy and girls, at the end of the day nothing sells records quite like the smooth stylings of emphysema. Sadly, if Kim was singing through a hole in her throat out of one of those robot-sounding talk boxes she would sound more true to life than when she sings to her self singing to “Tardy for the Party.” I mean, give that song a rest. Even Countess LuAnn de levorced stopped singing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” after 16 months. My friend. Oh yeah! And, of course, Kandi is singing “I Fly Above All the Drama” again, this season, once more. I would have rather heard her sing “Just Kickin’ It” in Mandarin than this song again.
Cynthia is the New Tyra. Oh, and Tyra. Tyra. – It’s time for Cynthia’s big fashion show! How the hell old is Cynthia and, more importantly, how’d she get all that junk, all that junk inside her trunk. It was like I’m gonna get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump. The runway show would be a snoozey-snoozenhiemer except for the fact that Cnythia is apparently smuggling her sister on the back side of her swim suit. She should have ended her runway walk with a booty clap. Me gusta. Sidenote, no one would wear those swimsuits in a pool. Although the hat can ba worn at any standard funeral. Perhaps to the funeral of Kim when NeNe stomps her to death with her neck. Bloop!
The Pee-Wee Herman Secret Word of the Day is “Honeymoon.” Ahhhhh! - While lunching on, well, lunch the girls start asking Cynthia about her pending horrible idea of a wedding and Kandi (Koated niiiiiigggghts!) asks her where her honeymoon is going to be. Well that’s enough to send Cynthia into a tailspin downward spiral to “Crash n Burnville” because she bursts into tears (although I didn’t see many) and has to excuse herself from the table. AnnaMae! AnnaMae you better wipe those tears on the double and get into the recording booth AnnaMae! Seriously, why doesn’t she just call off the wedding with Sebastian the Crab? I know next week is the season finale wedding, but I’m going to be pissed if they really get married. I mean clearly this is going nowhere fast.
Strippers Strippers Eveywhere. Oh, and Male Strippers Were There Too. – After Cynthia finally decides to stay in Miami one more night and have her dumb bachelorette party Phaedra’s clients, who happen to be strippers, show up for a little dancing and nastiness. NeNe and Kim have looks of disgust on their face from just looking at strippers, but I’m not sure why they seem so against it as they were in the same line of work not that long ago. And why do I have a feeling that when NeNe was spread eagle on stage she would yell out “blonk!” while she shot change for a $10 out of her “gentlemen greeter.” Just me? Fine. Bye.
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