More Mindless Stories on ‘rant’
Jul
27
27
Dina Lohan Addresses Everyone. I Address Dina. I Also Address Envelopes, But That’s Another Story.
I hate when I take a day off from IBBB as a lot tends to happen in the news. By now you all have heard that Dina Lohan seems to be personally addressing every single TV show, person, and website out there that is commenting on Lindsay Lohan. She’s pissed at Jay Leno for allowing jokes about Lindsay to be broadcast during such a difficult time. She’s pissed at the paparazzi. She’s also emailed Maxim magazine too! I love me some crazies. You know what, I feel like it’s time that I address Dina Lohan, my newest obession.
Dear Dina (you wild little tramp),
How are you? What’s new? N/M/H. I have a question for you. Do you spray-tan or go in the actual tanning bed? My money is on the spray-tan just because you’re a little on the orange side. Well, it’s more of a tangerine color actually and tanning bulbs typically make you more brown/red than orange. Just a question, don’t get so defensive. I heard you used to be a Rockette. What an honor! Can you still kick that high? I bet you can. If you can, perhaps you can literally kick Lindsay’s ass because that what she needs, a good ass kicking. While you’re at it, bitch slap Ali too. Do it while she’s young enough to listen. As a side note, if Lindsay is still looking for a new personal assistant I think I’m the perfect candidate (just don’t read anything on this site titled: Lindsay Lohan and/or Lindsay No Pants). Anyway, hope you are well. Keep fighting the good fight and keep tanning the good tan!
P.S –> White-trash with money never goes out of style.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB
Jul
25
25
The Real Culprit? Promises Rehab
Everyone keeps on blaming Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears for their crazy ways. They (allegedly) having drinking and drug problems. I don’t blame them. However, everyone keeps on looking past one common thread: Promises Rehab. What in the hell goes on at Promises Rehab? Whatever it is that they do there, it doesn’t seem to be working. As opposed to writing an open letter to Dina, Lindsay, or Michael Lohan – I’ve decided to write an open letter to a building; Promises Rehab.
Dear Promises Rehab,
How are you? I’m fine. What’s new? N/M/H. I have a quick question for you, Promises. What the hell takes place at your facility? I always thought it was a rehab facility, but now I kind of think it’s just a club. I feel like it’s Hyde 2.0. Is your “club” a place for celebrities to drink and do lines of coke off of a public toilet? Whatever you do there to help doesn’t seem to be working. In fact, it seems to make these celebrities worse. Maybe your facility shouldn’t be so nice and “ritzy.” Maybe Lindsay doesn’t need to play tennis on your property and be allowed to go out to the gym 6 times a day. Maybe, just maybe, you should be strapping people to their beds and force them to listen to the entire soundtrack of “The Bodyguard” until the alcohol and drugs run from their systems. The only downfall of this method is that they may develop and unhealthy hatred for Whitney Houston, but that’s a whole different issue. Anyway, Promises, do you have a free one-day pass that you could provide me? I kinda want to check it out. It looks like a blast.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB
Jul
18
18
The Al Qaeda Hearts "The Google"
Posted by IBBB
rant 
Let me tell ya, not drinking directly after work really allows you to learn some interesting things. For example, I got home from work last night (I’m a surgeon) and put on the NBC Nightly News, which apparently exists, and learned a lot! For example, there is still a war going on over in Iraq. I assumed it was the Korean War, but I guess that ended like 5 years ago or something. Even more interesting, there was a whole story on the Al Qaeda and how many people are starting to join the Al Qaeda simply by Googling some of their favorite terrorist terms and finding websites where you can start taking some Al Qaeda classes. No joke. They interviewed this one guy who said he literally was searching on “jihad” and “al qaeda” and that’s how he got himself enrolled into his terrorist classes. Who knew becoming a terrorist was so easy and efficient!? Seriously, the whole world is going to implode. Those terrorist trainees must realllly be focused. I mean, every time I start searching for anything in Google I always get sidetracked by all this abundance of porn that’s out there. I wouldn’t be a good terrorist. Oh well, I can always try hard to be a good illegal immigrant. Oh wait, nevermind. Doh!
Jul
10
10
Hot Enough For Ya?!?
Posted by IBBB
rant 
Hot enough for ya? Yes, that is my favorite question this time of year. I slowly wait for the first heatwave of the summer and then anticipate all the people who will greet me by saying my least favorite phrase/question, “Hot enough for ya?” You know what? It is hot enough for me. It’s hotter than a cats crotch (just assuming) here in NYC and has been for the last few days and will be for the next few days, so you know what that means! This weather is all that people will talk about. This topic also makes the top story on the news and they always seem to show fat people sitting in a public pool cooling off. You know, skinny people need to cool off too. You would seriously think that we have NEVER experienced “summer heat” before. It’s insane. And you always get that one jackass newscaster who has to say my other “favorite” line of the summer, “You could fry an egg on the sidewalk, it’s so hot!” Really? You know what I would say if I was the other newscaster? “For Christ sakes, who cares!” Seriously, we have frying pans to fry eggs. We don’t need the sidewalk. Where does this newscaster live and how much does he get paid that he needs to utilize the sidewalk to cook? That’s just gross and pretty unsanitary. Loser.
They always seem to remind you, too, that you should drink lots of water when it’s this hot. Really? I usually go for a long run in 100 degree heat and then rehydrate by downing a few beers and then a few coffees. Oh, and they always tell you to check on the elderly. Really? No thanks. What makes you think I want to go into my neighbors apartment and find them all decaying and smelly. Sounds like a blast, but I’ll pass, thanks. Then, they always show the homeless. You know what? I’m jealous. I’d rather be getting a tan outside then stuck in my office. It’s almost too cold in my office anyway. However, if I were homeless I wouldn’t be wearing a bright orange winter coat. That’s just crazy. So, in conclusion, “yes” it is hot enough for me, but stop trying to scare me with this heat. It’s just heat. I won’t burst into flames when I walk outside.
Jun
26
26
Dear Myspace Advertisers, Huh?
Dear Myspace Advertisers,
I’m puzzled so I thought I would write to you. Who are you advertising to? And, is this really your best attempt at having me click on one of your ads? Honestly, I really don’t want to win. I don’t want to win a prize. I don’t want to punch the white guy. I don’t want to be the white dog and race the black dog. I really don’t want to know the date of my death. I don’t want to try to make the fat guy not wet himself. I don’t want to know if I’m a good flirt. Ok, fine I did try to break the cartoon bikini girl out of the glass box just to see what happened to her. I was forced to take a quiz. The point is, why are you trying to humiliate me with these ads? I don’t care if my dog wins or the guy pisses himself. I don’t want to win your stupid ringtones. More importantly, however, I want to know who is playing these games. No really, I want your names. I’ll also need your mother’s maiden name and the last four digits of your social security number. What? Just go with me on this one. Anyway, come up with some more interesting ads. Why would I ever feel the need to vote on whether or not I think “New York” from Vh1’s “I Love New York” is hot or not. You even left me with an option to choose, “I don’t care.” I don’t want to arm wrestle George Bush. I don’t want to play “put a wig on cartoon Britney Spears.” I don’t want to guess if Joan Rivers is dead or alive (I know she’s dead). Stop with the quizzes, stop with the games, and stop with the lamo ads.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB
