More Mindless Stories on ‘poshtoria’

I Haven’t Mentioned Poshtoria Spiceham in a While

Ok fine, so I really just needed an excuse to say “Poshtoria Spiceham,” but I realized that I hadn’t referenced her in a while so it’s a win-win.

This Time Last Year: Victoria Beckham Hugs Queen Latifah Like She Could Catch "Fat"

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyone’s favorite lazy segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with Poshtoria Spice and Queen Latifah…this time last year…

www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack

When Ugly Things Happen to Bad People

Poor Poshtoria. And by poor, I actually mean “rich.” Poshtoria is still wreaking havoc on her Elle Magazine photoshoot. She will do anything the get that cover, which includes scaring the holy-hell out of small children (and adult bloggers with a childs mentality). Now I know I’m still new to all this crap, but is this what they consider to be “high fashion?” If so, high fashion is stupid and I hate it. I never want to see high fashion again. As a side note, I’ve never used the word “high fashion” so many times before.

In other Poshtoria and/or Spice Skanks news, the famed “musical” group has leased out a Boeing 757 and have officially called it Spice Force One. Those tricky/creative little Spice Skanks! I think they should have called it: “Bulemia 757: Spices Give Me the Shits.” Now that has a ring to it!

Who Shot That Skank!?

Victoria Beckham Hugs Queen Latifah Like She Could Catch "Fat"

What a fun celebrity world is must be. Poshtoria and David Beckham were doing a little shopping (because clearly they don’t already have enough stuff) at the high-end “H Lorenzo” in West Hollywood when they ran into Queen Latifah. Poshtoria and Queen Latifah semi-awkwardly embraced. I seriously think that Poshtoria thought she could “catch fat” from Queen Latifah if she hugged her too tight. I mean, there was a study that just came out that said that obesity could be contagious. Maybe she heard about that? Perhaps she thought Latifah would break her in two. I think a firm hand-shake and a “ta” would have been enough for the British. Oh well, I continue to learn each and every day.

Who Shot That!?!

Victoria Beckham: The Lucille Ball of Our Generation

• Instantly I am disappointed that there aren’t subtitles. I am having a hard time following along to the British accent. If they can provide subtitles to Ozzy they sure as hell can provide it to Poshtoria.
• So some girl shows up to try to be Poshtoria’s assistant. As a “try out” she gets to hang out with her for a few days to see how it goes. I want to be the personal assistant of a celebrity…or a reality show star…or a fauxlebrity….or a celebrity impersonator. I don’t even need to get paid. I can make money by selling crack on the streets in my spear time to children in a school playground. I really want to be one now. Where do I sign up? Crap I missed some of the episode by thinking about this new plan I have to be a celebrity assistant.
• Crap. Poshtoria has a “Paris Hilton That’s Hot” saying. Hers is “that’s major.” See what she did there? She replaced the word “hot” with “major.” I hate myself a little more at this point.
• Victoria then meets up with Perez Hilton. He needs no more press. Moving on…
• Next up, she gets her license, goes to the house of some crazy-rich-elderly-drunken neighbors, goes house hunting, and practices for earthquakes. Oh, and she goes shopping. I’m pretty sure all of this happens within one day.
• I pause for a minute to try and remember why she has her own television show. Oh yeah, she’s moving to LA. When I moved to NYC my sister took a couple of pictures of me. Basically, I can totally relate.
• Moving on Poshtoria and crew try to fool the paparazzi by buying a blowup doll and making it look like Poshtoria and then driving it around town. I was just about to make a blowup doll joke, but Poshtoria beat me to it. This sucks.
• Next – she throws out the first pitch at the Dodgers game. That was dumb, but the best part was Tommy Lasorda having no clue who she was and what appeared to be him having a stroke. Brilliant.
• Welcome to “the America” Poshtoria. Terrorists….get her!

…In Other News…

Poshtoria awkwardly showed her teeth while recently on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. At least it looked extremely natural. In other news…

~ What Happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt? ~ DrunkenStepFather
~ KFed Has New Girlfriend, World Implodes ~ CelebritySmack
~ Rebecca Romijn Officially Off the Market ~ EvilBeet
~ Fergie is Philosophical ~ AgentBedHead
~ How Raunchy is Raunchy: The Minnillo-Lachey Sex Tape ~ NinjaDude
~ When Blogger Attack and/or Brunch ~ PopBytes
~ VH1 Realized “Skank” Sells ~ FatBack
~ Courtney Love Needs a Bath ~ Yeeeah
~ R. Kelly Creates Another Hilarious Video ~ ASL

Poshtoria Doubles Up on Her Underwear and Isn’t Too Skinny. Nope. Not at All. Ok, Well a Little. And I Bet They Photoshopped That Too.

How Old Are the Beckham’s?

How old are the Beckham’s? I used a bit of “the Google” and discovered that David Beckham is 32 and Poshtoria is 33. Now don’t get me wrong, “skank” truly is timeless and ageless, but at some point how old is too old to wear Abercrombie? I thought that without a shadow of a doubt it was actually illegal to wear Abercrombie after 30. Maybe the law is different in England? However, Poshtoria and David are shown here in France to watch a little Formula One, so I guess the filthy French are a little more lenient with their laws.

Who Shot the Abercrombie Kids?!?

Tom, Katie, and Crew Still Dress Like A-Holes at Every Sporting Event They Go To

The Cruise-Beckham’s were out in full force to show a little support (and a ‘man-crush’ for Tom) for David Beckham and Real Madrid vs. Mallorca. Are the three characters seen above for f’n real? I don’t care how much money you have, why are you wearing that to any type of sporting event. Ever been to the bleachers in Fenway, Poshtoria? Yeah, you’d be thrown into the field with your kid still stuck to you. Sadly, Katie looks the most normal, but it’s doubtful she has any clue where she is or what she is doing. She almost seemed puzzled with the “clapping motion.” Next up is Poshtoria. I’m sure every little kid wants there mommy to be showing up to daddy’s soccer game with her boobs hanging out. And finally, we have saved the best for last. Yes, Tom is wearing what looks like a possible 3 to 4 piece suit to a soccer game. Suit to a soccer game. Suit. Soccer game. Suit. Soccer. I mean he does have a point. How in the hell are you supposed to down some beers and hot dogs if you don’t have your cuff links securely fastened to your bright purple-pressed shirt. And there’s absolutely no way in hell you fully enjoy yourself if you’re not wearing your 5 button suit vest buttoned all the way up. Clearly, they all blend in.
Who Shot This Crew!?!

Victoria Beckham Sprouts a Penis

At the Glamour Woman of the Year Awards (huh?), Poshtoria shows off her new little penis. Come on now Poshtoria, nobody likes a bragger. Seriously? You’re a mother. Where are you pants, or at least an apron that covers your man-penis? Yes, man-penis. Sometimes I need to clarify because if I don’t you could think I meant dog-penis and Poshtoria does not have one of those. Anyway, back to this random award show. Poshtoria was named “Woman of the Year” and “Entrepreneur of the Year.” What an honor. So what was her speech you ask? Brilliance. Here it goes (please insert horrific British accent while reading):

Victoria Beckham Attacked By Ghost Boobs (or Booooooobs!)

It’s been a while that a celebrity has been attacked by ghost boobs, but it looks like Poshtoria is the latest victim. Poshtoria was just getting in to LA from London when the ghost boobs attacker her right in front of all the paparazzi. What are the odds of that happening? In even less interesting Poshtoria news, the Beckham’s are reportedly suing a lookalike couple who got a sports car, jewelry, and a table at a top restaurant after posing as the Beckham’s. I guess the real life Beckham’s feel that their reputation is being damaged by the lookalikes. Uh, I think her reputation is being damaged by showing her boobs to the paparazzi. Actually scratch that (not literally). I think her reputation is improving by showing her boobs to the paparazzi. Check her out on Fox’s new “When Ghost Boobs Attack!”

Who Said That!?! and Who Shot Those Ghost Boobs!?!

Victoria Beckham Has Combover Cameltoe

It’s time for another installment of “The ImBringingBloggingBack Celebrity Cameltoe Rating System…to the Stars!” Now not all of these celebrity contestants can be winners each time. In this case, Poshtoria is entering in this cameltoe rating system even though she doesn’t have some full-on cameltoe. However, she does suffer from some slight cameltoe AND even sports a combover at the same time! Brilliant. Therefore I am giving Poshtoria one camel, BUT with two humps and even a combover. Yes, clip art does have everything.

Anyway, these photos of Poshtoria were snapped while she was shopping in London over the weekend. Bonus points for the “bullets belt.” Rambo rules.

Poshtoria Beckham Wears Bra, Becomes Less Interesting

Poshtoria celebrated her 33rd birthday by wearing a bra and shopping for a video camera. Interesting, yet not so. Looks like Poshtoria took the advice of US Weekly by putting on some type of bra contraption. I think this makes her less interesting. Let’s face it, she’s pretty uninteresting as it is, but at least we could always count on figuring out if we would have 6-more weeks of winter if Poshtoria wasn’t wearing a bra…if ya know what I mean….and I think ya do. What’s by favorite picture, you ask? That would be the one where they’re trying to buy a video camera from the sales guy who’s wearing a Ghost Buster’s t-shirt that says, “No Crackheads.” Yeah, I’d definitely buy something from someone who wore that. I mean, I did buy my car from a guy who sported a Members Only jacket, so I just assume that’s the same thing, but I digress.

Victoria Beckham Tans on Skis

Poshtoria Beckham is the most tanned skiing snowman I have ever seen. Good for her. I’m not sure that you wear a belt with ski-pants, but clearly I don’t ski enough to know proper ski attire etiquette. I think I do know, though, that you don’t wear Santa Claus’s belt. Poshtoria was in the French Alps (Alps is French for “Alps”) skiing up a smileless storm with her brother, father, and son (the holy trinity).

I think it’s really hard work to manage to not smile, ever, under any circumstances. Even at the one moment where Poshtoria’s teeth were chattering in the cold, she still managed to block any form of smile from the camera. Between the tan and the snowsuit I bet she could totally glow in the dark.

Who Shot The Snow-Monster?!?

David Beckham Mocks His Wife’s Hairdo

David Beckham wanted to show his wife, Poshtoria, how stupid her haircut was so he went out and got the same exact haircut so she would have to look at it every day too. Brilliant move. Both of them are, in some way, really paying respect to Carol Brady, but that’s a whole different story. David and Poshtoria were at the Sports Industry Awards (2007) the other day. I hope he one for “Girliest Hairdo.” What? That’s a real award.

In other David Beckham news, D. Beck is no longer the highest paid soccer player. Ronaldinho, the two-time world player of the year, just scored the $30 million salary. Tough break Beckham. I don’t know how you’re going to live on just $25 million. Good luck. Next time learn how to kick the ball, dumbass.

In other Poshtoria Beckham news, US Weekly has written a nice open letter to Poshtoria requesting that she start wearing a bra. To quote them, “It is obvious to us that the bra may be a foreign concept to you, much like American football, or the good sense to avoid Tom Cruise, so allow us to explain: You’re a 32-year-old woman with perky breasts that apparently like to breathe. But keep shunning that bra and in five years you’ll end up with pendulums hanging off your clavicle that hubby David Beckham might mistake for soccer ball bags.”

Wow you really got her, US Weekly (insert sarcastic overtone here ____)! Actually, thanks for ruining it for the rest of us. If Poshtoria wore a bra all the time, how in the hell would we ever know if there was going to be 6 more weeks of winter? Thanks for nothing.

Why Did US Say That!?! and Who Makes More Than D. Beck!?!