More Mindless Stories on ‘paris hilton’
16
Paris Hilton Drunk = Useful Paris Hilton
Ah now here’s the Paris Hilton that really makes a difference in the world. The sluttastic whorefaced drunken skankenheimer (allegedly) was celebrating the weekend in Brazil and doing a little liquor promotion when she apparently got bit my the “drunk bug.” Odd. I’ve never pictured Paris acting out of control. She kinda looks like the outcome if a Fraggle raped an ostrich who was the long lost child of a dolphin. Seriously Paris, you’re 29. Get your sh*t together.
Personally I’m having a hard time figuring out what my favorite parts are. Is it her visible black thong? Her size 23 foot? Her man hands? The wonk eye? Or the fact that no matter what picture of her I see I always think she looks like Martha Stewart but, like, the syphilicious version.
18
Hey Everyone! Paris Hilton Built a Website!
The Audrey Hepburn of our generation, Paris Hilton was all wonky eyes and Twister-like poses on the red carpet at the Vanity Nightclub at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas over the weekend promoting the launch of her new website ParisHilton.com. Before I even go to it I’ll assume it’s all pink with diamond sparkles all over it and she’ll leave messages on it that say things like, “Hey betch, it’s Parissssss. Thx 4 comin’ to my site, betch, and look at my chihuahua betches. That’s hot. I’m huge. Thx betch!” Seriously why wasn’t she in Haiti last week? Too soon?
After, sadly, checking out her website I was pretty accurate. It it a nauseating pink with king crowns and fancy writing. You can check out pictures of Paris, her videos, her “blog,” and even buy things like her bedding collection, hair accessories, swimwear, sunglasses, and more. Buy anything and you’re likely to burn in hell. Thx betch!
21
Paris Hilton Heads to Social Studies at Immaculate Conception Grammar School
I must start this off, of course, by tossing in the photo of Paris slutting by the sign that said “Public Parking” and pointed right at her “gentlemen greeter.” Jesus Claus totally has a brilliant sense of humor.
I remember when I was in Catholic grammar school the nuns used to spend the majority of their days teaching us that the girls in public schools were sluts, which was always odd since the catholic school girls that went to my school always seemed to have their skirts hiked up to their “Virgin Mary’s” if ya know what I mean. I’m talking about their vaginasteins. Was that not clear?
Anyvaltrex, Paris Hilton decided to skank it up a few notches while she was on Robertson Boulevard in sunny LA over the weekend. You know she was on her way to Kitson so she could blow the owners and the paparazzi in front of The Ivy all at the same time. She’s efficient like that.
Let’s Be Lifelong Facebook Friends!
24
Ugh. Like Sylvester Getting Full Custody of Tweety.
Someone get PETA on the horn because Paris Hilton and her boyfriend, DouK Reinhardt, purchased a couple of parrots whilst at a pet store in Hollywood, CA. Terrible. Why do I have a feeling all you’re going to here out of these two birds is, “Heyyyy betch. Cawww. You look good betch. Cawwww. Sure I’ll take it in the back door, betch. Cawwww.” I wonder what Paris’ bird will say?
12
Paris Hilton Still Thinks This Look is Cool, Even at Age 27
04
Hi There Other Countries! Of Course You Can Bomb Us. I Understand.
Reason # 6,671,993 why other countries hate us. Paris Hilton, dressed in a blue dress with white stars all over it (trust me the missing red color was under her dress….trust me) showed up to spend a little time with David Letterman because, at the end of the day, Paris Hilton has the right to promote the crap she works on because we live in a country that allows her to do so. What are some of those countries who don’t allow stuff like this? You know, the ones where one person dictates everything that goes on? We should try that out for a bit and see if we can rid ourselves of anything Hilton related.
24
This Time Last Year: Paris Hilton and Halloweenie
Happy Skankerween! A walking STD never looked so spookstacular! Paris Hilton has the most creative Halloween costume. Ahoy, whories! The SS Hilton is sure to go down at every house she stops by this Halloween season. Being on her knees bobbing for apples has never come in handy more than for this time of year. I mean, how she stuffed her little boy boobs into that anchor bra is a treat in itself. It’s the great whore-bag, Charlie Brown! Ok, I am 100% out of bad Halloween jokes.
13
I Dream of Herpes
Do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do. Do do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do. Ba ba ba bum!
Paris forgot she was 27 years old and dressed like this while at the Diesel Party at the O2 Arena held in London over the weekend.
Oh Master!
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08
This Time Last Year: Paris and the Mini Whore
25
We Almost Lost Paris Hilton
06
This Time Last Year: Paris Hilton
Happy Friday and welcome back to everyone’s favorite lazy segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with Paris Hilton going to the slammer this time last year…Enjoy prison Paris. Become a woman or perhaps even a mother while you’re there. We’ll miss you these next 22 remaining days and look forward to seeing your wonky eye back on television and your bad acting back on the silver screen soon.
03
Mr Miyagi Alive and Well!
Looky eye, always looky eye! Mr. Miagi of Miyagi-do Karate is alive and kicking and is ready to apparently live the simple life with Paris Hilton. He may have taught Danileson how to do the crane technique, but he’s moving on to bigger and better things such as teaching Paris how to not squint one eye, how to talk in a normal voice that a 26-year old should be talking in, and how to look less like Martha Stewart. If Mr. Miyagi could help Daniel win a major karate match and even lead him to victory in Okinawa, then I’m sure Paris will be in top shape a well.
27
Paris Hilton Shoe Shopping Cameltoe
Ah good times. Clearly, it’s time to play everyones favorite game The ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating System…to the Stars! You know the rating system, you can be awarded up to 5 camels. Paris Hilton and one of the male versions of The Olsen Twins were out and about doing a little pointless shoe shopping when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Paris was struck down with a case of camelitis. I am awarding Paris 3 out of 5 camels. Originally I was going to give her 2.5 camels, but then I thought, “You know what? Paris’ pants are the color of camels so let’s award her another half camel to make it a whopping 3 camels.” I really thought all that. I have problems. Many problems.
26
Breaking Paris Hilton News
Breaking Paris Hilton News: Paris Hilton has now officially had everything in her mouth. What an accomplishment. After Paris’ trip to Shanghai for MTVs Style Gala she stopped by a restaurant to shove some more things down her throat. Paris was later quoted saying about Shanghai that the city “looks like the future.” Wow! It must be awesome to see what the future looks like. Does the future have underwear and celebrity sex tapes? Nevermind, don’t ruin it for me. I’ll just wait it out.14
Paris Hilton is F’n Stupid
Sorry, I couldn’t think of a better title then that one. Does Paris Hilton’s t-shirt say “I Heart Hoe Bags and Boys?” I guess it’s good to have self acceptance and, clearly, she is a Hoe Bag…or ho bag…whatever. At this point Paris is a caricature of herself.
Besides being a consistent douche-bag or “bagadouche” as my friend Janine says, Paris Hilton would like to set the record straight that she is not helping raise awareness of the binge-drinking elephants of India. Therefore, Paris Hilton must be in support of drunken elephants. I know I am. I like everything and everyone drunk as a skunk. I see a person, I want them drunk. I see see a dog, I want it drunk. I see a chair, I pour vodka all over it and try to get it drunk. Then I take chair rides. It’s a long story. Regardless, Paris Hilton is a retard. Good day.
