More Mindless Stories on ‘oregon trail’
~ It’s time for the adventure we’ve all been waiting for. That’s right, it’s time for Honey Boo Boo and crew to take a trip on the Oregon Trail! Whilst we love them, I’m sure you’re all interested in how these characters will meet their demise. So follow along with Mama June, Honey Boo Boo, Sugar Bear, Pumpkin and Glitzy as we navigate the tough trail and, of course, narrated by me (IBBB). Let’s go!
~ The trip is going halfway decent. We almost immediately need to cross the river. At first I wanted to caulk the wagon since the water level was pretty low, but as soon as I said “caulk” the wagon Sugar Bear began to thrust to and fro and, well, no one needs Mama in heat on the water so we just took the ferry. What was once an immaculate river, is now littered with Go-Go Juice bottles. Plus, some animal dropped a deuce in the water as well. That animal, of course, was Pumpkin. Glizty is well mannered.
~ Ugh, this is what happens when we let Sugar Bear lead the way. I’m pretty sure he was asleep behind the oxen. I knew we should have been the “Banker from Boston” instead of the “Farmer from Georgia.”
~ Welp. It was only a matter of time. Similar to Time for Timer, we broke a wagon wheel. I told Mama bringing her 1-year supply of Cheese Balls may be too much weight for this wagon to handle, but she said, “If Sugar Bear’s legs don’t break, this wagon won’t either.” She then gave a kiss to the camera that wasn’t there. Luckily, Mama will be using her forklift foot to repair the wheel. I think the gnats saw their shadow. And that’s how the whole “6 more week of winter” began. The groundhogs stole it and made it their own kinda like we did to the Indians. Plan for multi-billion dollar gnat casinos in the future.
~ To no surprise we’re outta food. I was just shocked we didn’t go through the 1000 pounds of food I bought on the first day. Sugar Bear escaped into the woods with his gun and is likely to shoot us a deer. It’s also likely he’ll dip it in brass and give it to Mama as a present. We’ll use it to decorate the wagon as it’s not looking as tacky as we would all like. P.S., Glitzy is starting to look good. Sexy, even.
~ Well son-of-a-b*tch. How the hell did this happen? I told Pumpkin French-kissing a wild animal had its drawbacks. Why do you think Chickadee ain’t on this trip? Sidenote, the weather is cool and our health is “very poor.” As are we. As. Are. We.
~ Sugar Bear just can’t keep his hands off that beautimous pig. Or glitzy. Looks like typhoid may have been our first sexually transmitted disease back in the 1840’s. Bet you your Social Studies book never taught you THAT! The More You Know.
~ Insert obligatory “cowbell” joke here: _______________.
~ I’m not saying he did it, but what I am saying is that Uncle Poodle showed up one minute and then the next minute Alana’s pageant dress went missing. Now, no one in this wagon has beyond a 3rd grade education, so you do the math.
~ The nights are long and the days are so sad and I can’t stop thinking about the love that we had. Anyway, to spice things up Mama June began the country’s very first couponing system. I know, had she known we had a gun and she was chatting with Indian’s she could have most likely saved her coupons for another day. Rumor has it on that faithful night you could hear the Indian’s whispering something about couponing being like their crack rock. None of us knows what that means, but glow sticks were involved.
~ 3 plates of sketti later and someone caught a case of the cholera. Mama told us not to worry because she packed 12 bottles of Tide and that always gets stains out of the cholera. She’s a wicked pioneer and junk.
~ Uncle Poodle’s back!
~ It’s no coincidence that we’re out of food, Glitzy died, and Pumpkin found a knife. All I’m saying is that waking up in the wagon to the smells of bacon and grease isn’t the worse thing. I mean, the bacon smell is from Pumpkin tootin’ and by “grease” I’m referring to Uncle Poodle singing the soundtrack. Glitzy is dead from typhoid. We’ll bronze him, not eat him.
~ As karma would have it, shortly after Glitzy died, Pumpkin passed on in a tragic accident that is forever known as “The Great Shopping Cart Incident of 1848.” What is seldom discussed is that this shopping cart incident became what is today known as The Underground Railroad.
~ Who knew there was organized baseball way back then. Those Indian’s sure are nice. They found all of our favorite foods. Little did we know, but the Honey Boo Boo family was the originator of the very first food pyramid. There were only minor alterations made to it years later.
~ From either typhoid or sexin’ June, at least he went out happy. We shall bury him in a beautiful ceremony with his dip. We jest, we’re way behind so we’re going to just throw is body over the side of the wagon and continue on.
~ At least she finally won Supreme.
~ Towards the end there was no one left but Mama. She became quite tired, which was odd because she was usually such a ball of energy and life. Little did we know this was the beginning of the end.
~ What started off as a couple of hundred sneezes in a row, turned into a classic case of dysentery. It was sad she left this world with 9 pounds of food left in the wagon. You know what, I will press SPACE BAR to continue.
Well folks, this is what happens when you are “sans life” and have a few extra minutes on your hands. Join me on my personal Oregon Trail by clicking here to follow me on my Facebook page. Perhaps you’ll get typhoid. Fingers crossed.
Teen Mom 2 hits up the Oregon Trail, as narrated by Barb Evans…
~ So I says to my live-in toothdicapped boyfriend Mike, I says, “Mike, like I gotta get outta Walmart for a few days and go somewheres tropical like the Oregon Trail.” So I bought some oxen, tossed Jace under the wagon, and invited some of my favorite Teen Mom 2 friends to join me. Of course, I’m the commandaah of this wagon, but also wit me is Chelsea, Kailyn’s mutha Suzi and her fantastic hair, the Puffy Leather Couch that all “the poors” have and, of course, my little b*tch of a daughtah, Jenelle. Well heeeah goes nothin’. Note to self: Snow appears to be in our near future.
~ Just as I suspected, we’ve lost a couple of days due to a blizzaaaahd that seems to have appeared out of nowhere. Luckily, Chelsea packed her portable tanning booth as she likes to be as tan as she can be whilst it’s still technically wintaah. She looks natural. I keep yelling at Chelsea, “Honey yaw actchalee awwringe.” She has no idea what I’m sayin’ but luckily Jenelle is able to translate that I’m technically saying, “Honey, you’re actually orange.” At least Jenelle is good for somethin’ beside, you know, spreadin’. What? I’m still mad.
~ Oh Lawdy just when I thought I couldn’t be faaaah enough away from Kieffah, he appeaaahs out of the blue (like my prized blue shirt). We’re delayed again by a day because Jenelle and Kieffah decide to go and paaahty their asses off by the river where they’re feasting on ice cream and looking for alligators in the rivaaah. I know I’m her muthaaah, but I kinda hope that alligator bites Jenelle’s snatch off and maybe even Kieffah’s ding-a-ling. I’m only kiddin’ about Kieffah. I mean, I am still a woman after all. I have needs. Is it gettin’ hot in heeeaah?
~ I sweaaah to Gawd, that Suzi is one hot ticket. So get this, we have like no wataah and Suzi says she don’t care cuz she’s only drinking Martini’s and swallowin’ pills for the rest of the trip. Hot damn! What a hoot! Things did get a little awkward though when I asked her about Kailyn and she just shouted, “Oh sh*t is she here?” and then she Bugs Bunny’d right out the side of the wagon.
~ Poor Puffy. Looks like he came down with a case of the measles. You know, I’m always shocked that Jenelle and her sistaaah nevaah got the measles, you know, cuz I never gave them their shots when they were little. I figured if they’re too young to know about Christmas and I’m not going to get them any presents they probably don’t know about diseases either so I just skipped all shots. Well, not all shots. I usually finish my night off with 6 lemon drops. Note to self: Why do I want to stab that puffy leather couch with a sharp knife?
~ Son-of-a-b*tch! Some damn thief came in the middle of the night and stole 5 sets of clothes and they were all mine! Well little did the thief know that I literally have a closet filled with blue shirts like I’m friggin Marge Simpson. Now I didn’t get a close enough look at the bastard because, you know, I’m legally blind in 42 states but I sweeaah I’m pretty sure it was Kieffah look for Marijuana cigarettes or somethin’. Too bad he didn’t spend the same amount of time lookin’ for a job.
~ Ugh. What a sad day around this wagon. The Puffy Leather Couch has died. And I have absolutely no idea why…but I’m gonna need that knife back…so I can go huntin’ for food.
~ Somehow I get voted to go and hunt for some food. I gotta do everythin’ around heeeah. So I ended up shooting some wolves with crunchy curly hair and, well, that’s what we’re gonna eat. I miss Leah.
~ This day couldn’t get any worse. I busted Jenelle and Kieffah smokin’ weeeeeeed in front of my wagon. The thing actually caught on fiiiaaah, but that didn’t stop Kieffah from sparkin’ up a doobie.
~ Gawd damn it Jenelle, I need you to parent this child! Instead of cryin’ over “inadequate grass” why don’t you go and push Jace on his Spiderman bike that you bought him for his birthday? See? I told ya he would rather a silver cup. I mean, you treat this baby like it’s a dog that you can just leave on the couch and go out paaahtyin’.
~ Chelsea caught measles. I have no idea how or how long she’s had it for. We all just thought she was bringin’ the leopard print to a whole new level. I bettah not die from this sh*t cuz I gotta get back to Walmart by next week. I mean the customaaahs aren’t gonna greet themselves!
~ Great, now Suzi has typhoid. I figured all the pills and booze wouldaah killed all the disease but I guess not. Note to self: It’s amazin’ how much yaw boobs sweat in the summer heat. This is nothin’ like my summah’s in Boston as a little Barb frolicin’ through the sprinklaaah on the front lawn.
~ We came across an abandoned wagon…well technically it wasn’t abandon. Leah and Corey were living in it. Yeah I went there. Suck it.
~ So Suzi died today. We’re not sure if it’s because of that pesky typhoid from the other day or from the inadequate grass. Honestly, we don’t very much care to figure it out because this b*tch was crazy. I’m not talkin’ like “wears her underwear outside her pants” crazy I’m talking like “darting out of the wagon in the middle of the night, rolling in the grass, while howling at the moon” crazy.
~ So Jenelle claaaaaaims she had typhoid, but I think it’s just friggin’ hickeys all ovaaah her frickin’ neck and it’s disgustin’. What a real trash box. I can’t believe I didn’t just blow that guy in the dumpster, but ended up going all the way and gettin’ knocked up 18 yeeaaahs ago.
~ We’ re low on food again so I tried to go huntin’ but couldn’t hit anything so Chelsea died. She may have killed herself. I may have killed her. It’s all a little foggy. All I know is that we’re more than likely gonna cut up Chelsea tonight have some crispy meat, if ya know what I mean. I’ll tell Jenelle it’s orange chicken. She’s so friggin hiiiiiigh she won’t know the difference anyway.
~ Wow! I hit the muthaaah load! I shot 66 pounds of Crunch Hair in the woods. Somewhere in West Vagina, Leah and her muthaaah may or may not be bald right now. Crunchy Hair and Crispy Skins! We’re gonna be eatin’ like kings tonight!
~ I hope she stays lost.
~ Jenelle died today. She is like the worst piece of sh*t mottthaaa evaaah! I bet she she did this to get away from me, just like my first husband did. Fool me once…shame on…me…fool you…twice…shame on……oh I can’t remeembaaah!
~ Things have been quiet around the wagon since everyone died. I even managed to take the wrong trail and get myself lost. Lawdy Hallelujah the typhoid is starting to set in. Well it isn’t so much typhoid as it is Kieffah’s love juices. Apparently I did care about Kieffah after all. I scalped Jenelle, put on her hair, and told Kieffah that I was ready to make a real man outta him. Typhoid makes you wicked horny!
~ Well son-of-a-b*tch.
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Whether you’re a banker from Boston, a farmer from Michigan, or in charge of your very own meth lab everyone gets to hit up the Oregon Trail and some of my favorite people from Teen Mom are no different. So sit back, relax, and take a bumpy journey in a covered wagon with a couple of busted axles, wonky oxen, and friendly Indians along the way. Taking the journey this time is none other than Debra, Butch, April, Amber, and Gary. I, IBBB, will be narrating. Gather around your nap mats, boys and girls, because it’s story time.
~ We’re slowly starting out our journey to Oregon, I believe. A fight is breaking out between April, Butch, and Amber over where exactly Oregon is. Amber thinks it’s in the mid-west, April believes it’s under Soviet control, and Butch just keeps yelling out “British Columbia” to which Gary responds, “That’s sneakers.” In between bong hits, Butch found some wild fruit in the middle of the road. After Darl reported this back to the troop, Gar immediately went on a Twinkie hunt. And what the hell is Debra looking at?
~ Oh snap yo (as Tyler would say) we was robbed in the middle of the night. Luckily they only stole 52 bullets (odd?) and the thief looked about the same size as Snooki. Debra is not having any of this and immediately pulled out her “carry-on” butcher knife to try and fight off the thief. I must admit I’m quite pleased that Debra is sticking with her power “interview suit” even on this journey. Note to self: Keep and eye on that butcher knife and, also, have a talk with April about smoking in the covered wagon.
~ Things are kind of quiet but I know that’s about to change. We’re down to no food, it’s very rainy, and Amber tried to lure away an ox so that she could “sexy-dance” the hell out of it in the woods. We lost two days because of this. Also, Gar is commenting on being nervous about getting down to his birth-weight before making it to Oregon. We all had a chuckle when Butch asked if that was 189 pounds. Note to self: Give Butch a lecture on systematic bullying.
~ Oh Jesus, April! Apparently chain-smoking never ending packs of Misty 120s and chugging down Twisted Tea’s isn’t too good for your health when you haven’t eaten in three days. April’s come down with a classic trail case of Dysentery. I’m a bit concerned that April has no clue that she has an illness, as when we told her what she had she responded, “Dysentery?! I loved that show in the 80’s!” This makes Butch a little sad as he realizes he missed an entire decade of television as he spent the 80’s in the slammer.
~ Finally the sun shines on our sad little covered wagon as Indians apparently helped us find some food. Gary is beside himself with excitement even though Amber beat the bag out of him (while constantly calling him “dude”) over eating all of the cheeseburgers. I begin to ponder how amazing it is that Amber can make Gary flinch with every fake-out-punch she give him and he never drops the cheeseburger. Not once.
~ Beating the absolute bag out of Gary must have taken a toll on Amber. I mean between the slapping, punching, and trying to kick him psychically out of the wagon…and then after Gary tried to crush Amber with the wagon door a couple of times (bonus points) she is sick too. We’ve pooled a lot of our money together to get Amber on a nice mix of uppers and downers so we can’t really help nurse her back to health with this most recent case of Cholera, so we just convinced the road-side doctor to insist that he meant to tell Amber she had Chola…eyebrows…which is pretty believable. We showed her by using Debra’s butcher knife as a mirror. The doctor informed Amber she’ll have to cool down her “sexy dancing” until her Chola eyebrows grow back in.
~ Sickness is running wild around this b*tch. Although, even though Gary is sick with Typhoid he still took the time to find a hole-in-the-wall flower shop where he could buy Amber some funeral flowers and balloons so he could apologize to her for him getting Typhoid. Amber told Gar that the Indians spelled all the words wrong on the card and then she told him to leave the flowers in the wagon and get the hell out. Note to self: Seriously, when is this bitch going to succumb to her Chola eyebrows disease?
~ After Gary prayed for sweet release, Jesus Claus answered his prayers and took him to heaven. Amber made sure to slap at his rotting corpse for hours on end while she cried her makeup all down her face. Debra, typically good in these situations, is asking Amber to stop crying and to get over the death as quickly as possible. I’m getting a bit worried about the rest of the gang as we’re in desperate need for food and will actually be able live off of “Gary’s share” now that he is resting in peace…and quiet, from Amber.
~ Well will you leave it to Debra! That crazy little minx is still following her court-ordered community service “project” and was simply picking trash up in the woods when a nice little deer walked by and she stabbed it to death with one of her many knives (that’s she’s apparently packed on this trip). Dinner! (Editors Note: This is my favorite scene, by the way).
~ Ugh! Our wagon broke down, again, and when all hope was lost and we didn’t know what to do, Farrah came wandering out of the woods with a brilliant idea of just buying a new wagon. Apparently if we cash this check she’s given us for $8,000 and then send her a money order for $3000, she knows someone who will ship us a new wagon. I guess she found this deal on the Internet. It’s Craigslist, after all, so no red flags are going up for us and we think this sounds completely safe and normal. We proceed with Farrah’s plan. Also, for some reason Debra keeps yelling out “Where is Goooooooo? Where is my baby Goooooo?” April just bottled her. Butch tried to dry-hump her passed out body.
~ Uh, something is fishy around here. Snarlin’ Darlin’ claims he found this abandon wagon with two sets of clothes and 21 bullets. Oh really? He just happened to find an abandon wagon? Yeah, no we read Butch’s rap-sheet so we’re pretty certain he robbed a police car, took the cops clothes (2 pair of clothes) and the bullets right from their guns.
~ Well what do ya know? April has come down with a case of Chola eyebrows too. Clearly nothing will slow down her love of Twisted Tea’s. When I confronted April about her drinking she just yelled at me that I can’t tell her how to be a mom when I couldn’t even be a mom myself. When I told her I was a man and had a ding-dong and couldn’t be a mom she just said, “F*ck you, b*tch, how ’bout that?” Ugh, I hate when April is going through meth withdrawals. It’s even worse, though, when Butch is in rehab and she goes through withdarlals. Hey-oh!
~ Well ain’t that a b*tch. April kicked the bucket. This is so shocking as she always lead such a healthy, easy, breezy, beautiful life. I made sure that when we buried her (threw her in the woods) that we dressed her in her best “I’m Not Short, I’m Fun Size” shirt and we gave her full bangs, as we all believe that Santa Christ would want it that way. As a sidenote, Darl is wasting no time hitting on Amber. Now that’s a fight I’d tune in to watch.
~ Within minutes of doing “nasty boom boom” with Amber, Butch caught himself a case of Dysentery. We all tried to warn Butch that it starts with “sexy-dancing” and next thing you know, BAM, you have a disease that you have no idea what it is. Note to self: Darl Lynn’s rat-tail looks like it’s about to fall off. That can’t be a good sign.
~ Well that took no time. Apparently I was on to something with that whole “rat tail” idea. Butch has died. What was so crazy was when Tyler’s mom, Kim, came running out of the woods and just yelled at his dead body, “Yeah b*tch! Suck my kiss!” We’re all wondering where she got that foam-finger from. We try to convince her to join the journey, but she’s low on home perm treatments and didn’t pack her good shoulder pads so she’s heading home. It’s a real day of loss for us all around.
~ Everyone is dropping like flies. Even after all of her illnesses, we learned that Amber officially “sexy-danced” her way to death. Rumor has it that all the flags in Lanford are flying at half-mast.
~ I tell ya, God bless Debra and that wonderful trash claw! Since it was her day of the week for community service she just picked up Amber and tossed her in a trash bag (fitting) next to Gary in his trash bag (not so fitting…literally).
~ Things are really awkward in the wagon right now between me and Debra. It was quiet for a while and then suddenly she busts out with “I know what you say about me on your blog. I’ve read it.” I didn’t know what to say but, “Get Typhoid and die!” It’s something we learned to say on “the trail.” I’m ashamed of myself.
~ It’s the day after my birthday and, well, I drank all the water so Debra is left with nothing but some of April’s old Twisted Tea’s that I convinced her were better than nothing to drink. She doesn’t really know that it wasn’t really alcohol in those bottles, but Butch’s piss instead. I mean, it’s not my fault, it’s hers. She was dumb enough to think that April would have ever left a drop of liquor not drunk around the wagon. Note to self: Debra’s pants-suit is starting to smell moldy. If she makes it through this I’m going to ask the Grinch or one of the other Who’s to get her some new clothes for Christmas.
~ Guess I can cancel that order to the Grinch. Debra kicked the bucket. The judge better not try to make me cover her community service. I’ll have to get in touch with Attorney John Jacob-Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt. It’s funny because his name is my name too.
~ In lieu of flowers, please pick up trash on the side of the highway wearing a reflective vest in Debra’s honor.
Note to self: I’m heading home. Who the hell wants to go to Oregon anyway!?
That’s right folks, it’s time to take another trip down the Oregon Trail and this time we’re enjoying our journey with the cast of Jersey Shore. I miss them, you miss them, and this is the only way I’m able to get through the downtime in between season 1 and season 2. So grab your oxen, your box (giggity) of bullets, and a few axle because JWoww ShamWow, Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Snooki (and her “freakin’ poof”), Sammi SweatStains, Vinny, and Ronnie are heading out west…on the Oregon Trail. Enjoy the trail, with journey narration by yours truly, IBBB. Yeeee Haw!
~ Well it’s a warm day in May and we’ve been in this covered wagon for about 20 minutes. All was going well, that is, until the humidity mixed with 27 cans of AquaNet and 54 bottles of Drakkar Noir caused a major fire. We should be grateful, however, that this wagon is cramped because the height of Snooki’s poof blocked the flames from hitting Grandpa Sitch, JWoww ShamWow, and Sammi SweatStains in the face. The bad news is that we lost 3 tongues, but JWoww promised to let us use hers as much as we needed. Seems safe.
~ It was time to cross the river and we only lost 1 day due to a stick in the mud (aka Sammi SweatStains). You know what, though? She is the sweetest bitch I’ve ever met. We’re all playing “Fist Pumps, Gel Tubes, Clippers” (similar to Rock, Paper, Scissors) to see who’s going to help pull Sammi out of the water. Her Fred Flintstone toe acting like an anchor right now, so we just may leave her.
~ Finally! We have some good news! While Grandpa Situation was trying to find some creatures to bang in the wilderness, he found an abandon wagon. At first we thought we could use it for tanning, but soon realized that it was stocked with some sick supplies that we needed. We found a couple of Ed Hardy Hats and T-Shirts and while we have say for political reasons that we found “bullets” we really found a grenade. Aww, I’m missing the old grenade already!
~ Crickets, crickets, crickets. Geesh, I guess I figured out what finally kept this crew of D-bags quiet. It’s a little something called a “thunderstorm.” They can’t tan and they’re all afraid of getting their hair wet, so they’ve just slept inside the entire day. It’s no surprise that all the girls fart in their sleep. Oddly enough, when Snooki farts her poof giggles. I’m starting to like it here.
~ Ed Hardy came out of the blue and went right back into it. In the middle of the night a thief came and stole our Ed Hardy Hats and Ed Hardy T-Shirts. Ronnie quickly jumped out of the wagon, thinking he was on the Boardwalk again, and started charging at the thief and slurring, “Come at me, bro. Come at me!” The thief didn’t say much, but we’re pretty sure it was actually Angelina (the “Kim Kardashian” of the Oregon Trail) because “the thief” put all of our stuff in large trash bags and then left. As a side note, how awesome is it actually says, “Press return to size up the situation.” Brilliant.
~ Ronnie has these bumps all over his body. Well, it’s mainly his privates. However, we just told him it was the “Measles” but if it’s one thing that Sammi SweatStains can identify it’s red bumps and, well, we can all guess what Ronnie is dealing with. As always Sammi is making this about herself and is currently “traumatized.” Hopefully since it’s only 1848 you can actually die from being traumatized. Fingers crossed.
~ Not to be outdone by Ronnie, Grandpa Situation is claiming he has a fever. Personally I think it’s just a cover-up for the burn he got in the tanning bed (that we found in the woods). Either way, I told Grandpa Sitch that the only thing that can cure his fever is more cowbell. He, of course, didn’t get it. As I explained it was on SNL, it further stumped them as they thought “SNL” stood for “Snooki Needs Love” which, ironically enough, she does.
~ We’re running pretty low on food. Who knew this troop could eat so much carcass? I mean I knew JWoww and Snooki wore carcass on their heads, but wasn’t in the know that they would actually eat it. Anywax, we all nominated Snooki to go out and hunt us down some food. She killed us 1 deer, 1 can of AquaNet, and two pickles. She ate all of it and used the entire can before she got back to the wagon. Also, similar to an actual episode of Jersey Shore, Vinny is nowhere to be seen.
~ Well this is a little awkward. Ronnie died, you guys. It was either the measles that finally got to him or “karma.” Regardless, it’s still rumored on the trail to this day that if you’re quiet enough at night you can actually hear Ronnie whispering to God (as he passed on) “Come at me, bro” and you know what? God did. God came at him, bro. God also took Ronnie out of the equation. God has a real good sense of humor, especially on “the trail.”
~ Where in the hell were they storing that hot tub in this wagon? JWoww ShamWow’s rack must have blocked my view of it. Poor Sitch. He has dysentery. We’re all pretty certain that he caught dysentery from the hot tub, although we all had a good laugh as Snooki thought we said “The Situation is on Dynasty.” Oh Snooki. She’s so legally dead in 48 states.
~ Sickness is going in an out of this wagon like JWoww at “da club” on a Saturday night. DJ Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has typhoid. Figures. We don’t know how she heard about it as there are no such thing as phones or email here on “the trail” but Danielle the Israeli Stalker caught wind of Pauly D being sick and she met up with us. She was even nice enough to make Pauly D a snow-globe that says, “I Love Jewish Girls.” She is relentless.
~ Waaaaah! After weeks of trying to figure out the duck phone, Snooki has finally become exhausted. She picks it up, says hello, and puts it down. She’s repeated that process for the past 15 hours. We’re trying to keep her awake by placing pickles under her nose as we heard they act as “smelling salts” to Snooki. The don’t. She just sucks them in her sleep….as similarly does JWoww.
~ Well. He tried to beat the beat and he lost. Pauly D is dead. Just when he was getting over his typhoid, he pushed it too far and hopped in the tanning bed for 45 minutes and, well, he burnt to a crisp. Danielle the Israeli Stalker immediately had the oxen run over her. Well, we kind of gave that her idea, but she went with it. We’re going to keep Pauly D in that tanning bed and years from now he will be known as a pioneer in the tanning industry.
~ Low on food again, Snooki grabbed her rifle and headed out to the woods to do a little hunting. Similar to the Jersey Shore, she was in the middle of a buffalo stampede and while thinking it was a hippo that was charging her, her rifle went off and she accidentally shot Vinny and Sammi SweatStains.
~ Boring day and now we broke our wagon tongue. No one knows what that means, so we’re just sitting here. JWoww is bedazzling her jeans and gluing white skunk stripes into her hair.
~ Snooki either said has cholera or chola eyebrows. It’s hard to understand her when she has a pickle in her mouth.
~ She’s not even safe out here on the Oregon Trail. Snooki ran into Brad Ferro who, in 1848, is actually just a head placed on top of a box of Summer’s Eve Douche. One thing led to another and he punched Snooki and broke her arm. Grandpa Situation is ducked down behind the oxen pretending he never saw this.
~ While we were trying to trade some crap for our newly broken axle, Grandpa Situation died. Ironically enough when this happened his abs jumped off of his dead body and began looking for hot young Indian girls in the woods to hook up with. Lucky for us, though, we ended up trading Grandpa’s carcass for that axle we needed. Funny how things work out.
~ Now this one really hurts me. Snooki has died. Snooki is dead. Snooki passed away. Why? Why????? Why do bad things always happen to abnormally short people!? Why God?! Why?!?! It was actually beautiful though when she passed, as her “freakin’ poof” ascended into Heaven. R.I.P Snooki. Waaaah.
~ We’re down to just one person left in this wagon. JWoww. She traded all that we had left for packages of ham. And now she has typhoid….just like DJ Pauly had. Hmmm, interesting….yet not so. It’s amazing how when push comes to shove JWoww ShamWow really has nothing to say. Hopefully the typhoid takes over her body soon.
~ Wow. That was fast. JWoww died. I’m not an animal so I made sure to bury her with her favorite yellow shirt that she wore in almost every episode of Jersey Shore. What was odd, was that her yellow top was actually on underneath her other shirt. It also had ring around the collar, but that’s another story. Goodbye JWoww. Or, as JWoww would say right after she would punch Sitch in the face, “Good night!”
Well, folks, that ends another trip down the Oregon Trail. I also take comfort in knowing how the entire cast would die and, well, it’s exactly how I imagined it.
If you’re like me and sick of hearing about Tiger Woods and his alleged mistresses, let’s have our favorite 80’s Apple IIc computer game, Oregon Trail, decide the fate of this scandal. I mean, this is what I do to make major decisions in my life, so it only makes sense that Tiger do the same. Boarding the covered wagon and heading to the Oregon Trail is Tiger Woods, his wife Elin Nordegren-Woods, and some of his most famous mistresses, Rachel Uchitel, Jamie Grubbs, and Jamie Jungers. Let’s see how this turns out and have Tiger narrate his journey.
Yeesh! You can cut the sexual tension in this wagon with the knife I stabbed in my wife’s back! This is going to be a bit awkward, but today is a beautiful day so maybe I’ll get in a little golf before we try and cross that river. Oh, and Elin is making me clean up after the Oxen…with my toothbrush….and then drink it….and say the following sentence out loud to everyone, “This is my new Gatorade endorsement now, bitches!!”
Crap, our wagon tipped over on the river. We lost some of our shiz and Jamie Jungers flipped overboard, but luckily she had a little something to help keep her afloat. P.S, those “3 sets of clothing” were all mine….and Elin actually tossed them in the water. I hope this makes us “even.”
Gross! Jamie Grubbs got dysentery! None of us really know what that is, but there seems to be a terrible stench coming from her crotch region. Rumor around the wagon is that she got it from “doing sex” to one of the Oxen. The group came together and voted she’ll be sleeping on the roof of the wagon for the next 7 days.
Hahaha so here’s the thing, right. After her dysentery, Jamie Grubbs got bitten by a snake. But get this, this is just what we told everyone. You see it’s this code we came up with one night when we were texting each other 7thgrade smut-talk and it means, well….let’s just put it this way. My snake may have bit her, but it definitely didn’t sting. Ironically enough, it did sting when I pee’d a few days later. Ugh if this wasn’t 1848 I’d totally get that checked out by the good old Doc. Oh, note to self: Running low on Ambien.
Blah. Elin is such a stick in the mud. So she gets this “fever” and is all pissed off. I told if she has a fever the only thing that can cure it is more cowbell. Cowbell! She. Did. Not. Find. That. Funny. Ugh, she’s totally lost her entire sense of humor after this whole mistress scandal broke. Geesh!
You think it’s cold out there with that severe blizzard? You should try making small talk in the wagon with all these cold bitches! Hey oh!
Well, we’re all out of food. I think Jungers has been sneaking extra donuts. Anyway, some Indians came and helped us find food. Wasn’t really the Indians I thought we’d encounter out here, but still helpful nonetheless.
We’re about to vote Jungers off the wagon. Now she has Typhoid. Half of us don’t know what this disease is either, but we can all agree we’ve never seen someone sneeze out of their crotch before. That Jamie Jungers, what a talent! And worth every penny! Allegedly.
Keep calm, everyone. Rachel Uchitel is just a little tired from the Ambien that we took last night. You see, we like to take a bunch of Ambien and then have sex with each otherbecause, you know, it’s so cool having sex when you’re half asleep and snoring. Oh and when she’s drooling out the sideof her mouth onto the pillow and doing that weird “leg kick” thing you do when you’re just about to go to sleep and start dreaming that you’re falling….yeah, HOT!
So I text messaged Grubbs to meet me in “Tiger’s Woods” so we can hunt for a little meat (wink, wink) if ya know what I mean. Yeah, well the Ambien must have still been working its magic because I accidentally sent it to Elin and, well, she showed up in the woods and tried to rob me and take my money. She’s such a go-getter! I miss her. Well, I miss her the 7th most, you know, out of my lineup.
Yikes! I can’t catch a damn break, can I? I have the worst luck. I hate my life! Rachel Uchitel died. Damn it and she was one of my favorite mistresses too! It’s times like these that you really sit back and reflect, you know? Like, for example, I started to reflect on all my alleged mistresses and noticed that they all kinda got uglier and more busted as we went down the line. Like, mistresses 1 through 3 were pretty hot….but then 4-8 were pretty below average….and then don’t even get me started once I got to 9 – 12! Ugh, it was like I was just banging anything with eyes and I’m not even sure if one of the last one had eyes!?
Great. Well, Jungers just kicked it too. At least Elin finally has half-a-smile on her face. Elin told us it’s a Swedish custom to have the Oxen drag the dead body for the remainder of the trip. So, yeah, we’ll give that a go.
That’s odd. Elin says she’s come down with Typhoid too. Can you catch that from someone? She doesn’t look sick? And I’m pretty sure, now that I think about it, that “typhoid” is Swedish for “gank your money.” I’ll keep an eye on her for the next few…..oh HEY Grubbs, you’re looking good today. Ow! Ow!
I know it looks like I’m psyched that Elin has died, but I”m not technically psyched, I’m just…..hehehehe! Yeah boy! Cha-ching! Sidestepped that landmine! This day will always be a bit of a blur to me, but as the story will always be told for years to come, once Elin passed away people on the Oregon Trail swore that they saw dollar signs raining down from the Heavens!
And. It. Just. Keeps. Gettin’. Better! So I’m continuing on the trail with my bitch, J Grubbs, and JACKPOT! We find this abandon wagon that had an extra wagon wheel. Sweet! We were just about to leave the wagon when all of sudden my alleged 10th mistress, Mindy Lawton, comes literally crawling out of the woodwork. Lawton, Grubbs, and I all just looked at each other and had a good laugh. Ooopsie! I decided to leave Mindy on the trail since I’m out of Ambien and finally realized she looked like Ms. Hannigan on a meth binge. What happens on the trail stays on the trail. What, what!
Oh snap! Maybe I should have traded Jamie Grubbs for Mindy. We ran out of water and Jamie peaced out. I took out her face piercing and tossed it in the river like an elderly Rose did with her necklace on the Titanic. Oh, and I’m currently using her tanned skin as curtains on the wagon to help keep the sun out. It’s getting hottsy totsy out there!
Kinda quiet with just me in the wagon. Dum-de-dum-de-dum. Me and one of the Oxen gave it a go for a little while, but it wasn’t really the same. The Oxen couldn’t do ”sexting” like the other girls could. Is it getting chilly in here? Why is everything getting so blurry. Oh crap. Typhoid!
Well I had a really good run. I kind of lived the life of a rewarded suicide bomber, but here on earth. I mean, don’t get me wrong, these 17 women were no virgins, but you get the point. I didn’t know Heaven would be so damn hot. That’s weird, what’s Michael Jackson doing here? I assumed he was going to hell. Oh. Well this sucks.