More Mindless Stories on ‘oregon trail’

The Jersey Shore Cast Hits Up the “Oregon Trail”

That’s right folks, it’s time to take another trip down the Oregon Trail and this time we’re enjoying our journey with the cast of Jersey Shore.  I miss them, you miss them, and this is the only way I’m able to get through the downtime in between season 1 and season 2.  So grab your oxen, your box (giggity) of bullets, and a few axle because JWoww ShamWow, Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Snooki (and her “freakin’ poof”), Sammi SweatStains, Vinny, and Ronnie are heading out west…on the Oregon Trail.  Enjoy the trail, with journey narration by yours truly, IBBB.  Yeeee Haw!

~  Well it’s a warm day in May and we’ve been in this covered wagon for about 20 minutes.  All was going well, that is, until the humidity mixed with 27 cans of AquaNet and 54 bottles of Drakkar Noir caused a major fire.  We should be grateful, however, that this wagon is cramped because the height of Snooki’s poof blocked the flames from hitting Grandpa Sitch, JWoww ShamWow, and Sammi SweatStains in the face.  The bad news is that we lost 3 tongues, but JWoww promised to let us use hers as much as we needed.  Seems safe.

~  It was time to cross the river and we only lost 1 day due to a stick in the mud (aka Sammi SweatStains).  You know what, though?  She is the sweetest bitch I’ve ever met.  We’re all playing “Fist Pumps, Gel Tubes, Clippers” (similar to Rock, Paper, Scissors) to see who’s going to help pull Sammi out of the water.  Her Fred Flintstone toe acting like an anchor right now, so we just may leave her.

~  Finally!  We have some good news!  While Grandpa Situation was trying to find some creatures to bang in the wilderness, he found an abandon wagon.  At first we thought we could use it for tanning, but soon realized that it was stocked with some sick supplies that we needed.  We found a couple of Ed Hardy Hats and T-Shirts and while we have say for political reasons that we found “bullets” we really found a grenade.  Aww, I’m missing the old grenade already!

~  Crickets, crickets, crickets.  Geesh, I guess I figured out what finally kept this crew of D-bags quiet.  It’s a little something called a “thunderstorm.”  They can’t tan and they’re all afraid of getting their hair wet, so they’ve just slept inside the entire day.  It’s no surprise that all the girls fart in their sleep.  Oddly enough, when Snooki farts her poof giggles.  I’m starting to like it here.

~  Ed Hardy came out of the blue and went right back into it.  In the middle of the night a thief came and stole our Ed Hardy Hats and Ed Hardy T-Shirts.  Ronnie quickly jumped out of the wagon, thinking he was on the Boardwalk again, and started charging at the thief and slurring, “Come at me, bro.  Come at me!”  The thief didn’t say much, but we’re pretty sure it was actually Angelina (the “Kim Kardashian” of the Oregon Trail) because “the thief” put all of our stuff in large trash bags and then left.  As a side note, how awesome is it actually says, “Press return to size up the situation.”  Brilliant.

~  Ronnie has these bumps all over his body.  Well, it’s mainly his privates.  However, we just told him it was the “Measles” but if it’s one thing that Sammi SweatStains can identify it’s red bumps and, well, we can all guess what Ronnie is dealing with.  As always Sammi is making this about herself and is currently “traumatized.”  Hopefully since it’s only 1848 you can actually die from being traumatized.  Fingers crossed.

~ Not to be outdone by Ronnie, Grandpa Situation is claiming he has a fever.  Personally I think it’s just a cover-up for the burn he got in the tanning bed (that we found in the woods).  Either way, I told Grandpa Sitch that the only thing that can cure his fever is more cowbell.  He, of course, didn’t get it.  As I explained it was on SNL, it further stumped them as they thought “SNL” stood for “Snooki Needs Love” which, ironically enough, she does.

~  We’re running pretty low on food.  Who knew this troop could eat so much carcass?  I mean I knew JWoww and Snooki wore carcass on their heads, but wasn’t in the know that they would actually eat it.  Anywax, we all nominated Snooki to go out and hunt us down some food.  She killed us 1 deer, 1 can of AquaNet, and two pickles.  She ate all of it and used the entire can before she got back to the wagon.  Also, similar to an actual episode of Jersey Shore, Vinny is nowhere to be seen.

~  Well this is a little awkward.  Ronnie died, you guys.  It was either the measles that finally got to him or “karma.”  Regardless, it’s still rumored on the trail to this day that if you’re quiet enough at night you can actually hear Ronnie whispering to God (as he passed on) “Come at me, bro” and you know what? God did.  God came at him, bro.  God also took Ronnie out of the equation.  God has a real good sense of humor, especially on “the trail.”

~  Where in the hell were they storing that hot tub in this wagon?  JWoww ShamWow’s rack must have blocked my view of it.  Poor Sitch.  He has dysentery.  We’re all pretty certain that he caught dysentery from the hot tub, although we all had a good laugh as Snooki thought we said “The Situation is on Dynasty.”  Oh Snooki.  She’s so legally dead in 48 states.

~  Sickness is going in an out of this wagon like JWoww at “da club” on a Saturday night.  DJ Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has typhoid.  Figures.  We don’t know how she heard about it as there are no such thing as phones or email here on “the trail” but Danielle the Israeli Stalker caught wind of Pauly D being sick and she met up with us.  She was even nice enough to make Pauly D a snow-globe that says, “I Love Jewish Girls.”  She is relentless.

~  Waaaaah!  After weeks of trying to figure out the duck phone, Snooki has finally become exhausted.  She picks it up, says hello, and puts it down.  She’s repeated that process for the past 15 hours.  We’re trying to keep her awake by placing pickles under her nose as we heard they act as “smelling salts” to Snooki.  The don’t.  She just sucks them in her sleep….as similarly does JWoww.

~  Well.  He tried to beat the beat and he lost.  Pauly D is dead.  Just when he was getting over his typhoid, he pushed it too far and hopped in the tanning bed for 45 minutes and, well, he burnt to a crisp.  Danielle the Israeli Stalker immediately had the oxen run over her.  Well, we kind of gave that her idea, but she went with it.  We’re going to keep Pauly D in that tanning bed and years from now he will be known as a pioneer in the tanning industry.

~  Low on food again, Snooki grabbed her rifle and headed out to the woods to do a little hunting.  Similar to the Jersey Shore, she was in the middle of a buffalo stampede and while thinking it was a hippo that was charging her, her rifle went off and she accidentally shot Vinny and Sammi SweatStains.

~  Boring day and now we broke our wagon tongue.  No one knows what that means, so we’re just sitting here.  JWoww is bedazzling her jeans and gluing white skunk stripes into her hair.

~  Snooki either said has cholera or chola eyebrows.  It’s hard to understand her when she has a pickle in her mouth.

~  She’s not even safe out here on the Oregon Trail.  Snooki ran into Brad Ferro who, in 1848, is actually just a head placed on top of a box of Summer’s Eve Douche.  One thing led to another and he punched Snooki and broke her arm.  Grandpa Situation is ducked down behind the oxen pretending he never saw this.

~  While we were trying to trade some crap for our newly broken axle, Grandpa Situation died.  Ironically enough when this happened his abs jumped off of his dead body and began looking for hot young Indian girls in the woods to hook up with.  Lucky for us, though, we ended up trading Grandpa’s carcass for that axle we needed.  Funny how things work out.

~  Now this one really hurts me.  Snooki has died.  Snooki is dead.  Snooki passed away.  Why?  Why????? Why do bad things always happen to abnormally short people!?  Why God?!  Why?!?!  It was actually beautiful though when she passed, as her “freakin’ poof” ascended into Heaven.  R.I.P Snooki.  Waaaah.

~  We’re down to just one person left in this wagon.   JWoww.  She traded all that we had left for packages of ham.  And now she has typhoid….just like DJ Pauly had.  Hmmm, interesting….yet not so.  It’s amazing how when push comes to shove JWoww ShamWow really has nothing to say.  Hopefully the typhoid takes over her body soon.

~  Wow.  That was fast.  JWoww died.  I’m not an animal so I made sure to bury her with her favorite yellow shirt that she wore in almost every episode of Jersey Shore.  What was odd, was that her yellow top was actually on underneath her other shirt.  It also had ring around the collar, but that’s another story.  Goodbye JWoww.  Or, as JWoww would say right after she would punch Sitch in the face, “Good night!”

Well, folks, that ends another trip down the Oregon Trail.  I also take comfort in knowing how the entire cast would die and, well, it’s exactly how I imagined it.

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Let’s Have “Oregon Trail” Help Decide the Fate of the Tiger Woods Mistress Scandal

If you’re like me and sick of hearing about Tiger Woods and his alleged mistresses, let’s have our favorite 80’s Apple IIc computer game, Oregon Trail, decide the fate of this scandal.  I mean, this is what I do to make major decisions in my life, so it only makes sense that Tiger do the same.  Boarding the covered wagon and heading to the Oregon Trail is Tiger Woods, his wife Elin Nordegren-Woods, and some of his most famous mistresses, Rachel Uchitel, Jamie Grubbs, and Jamie Jungers.  Let’s see how this turns out and have Tiger narrate his journey.

• Yeesh! You can cut the sexual tension in this wagon with the knife I stabbed in my wife’s back!  This is going to be a bit awkward, but today is a beautiful day so maybe I’ll get in a little golf before we try and cross that river.  Oh, and Elin is making me clean up after the Oxen…with my toothbrush….and then drink it….and say the following sentence out loud to everyone, “This is my new Gatorade endorsement now, bitches!!”

• Crap, our wagon tipped over on the river.  We lost some of our shiz and Jamie Jungers flipped overboard, but luckily she had a little something to help keep her afloat.  P.S, those “3 sets of clothing” were all mine….and Elin actually tossed them in the water.  I hope this makes us “even.”

• Gross!  Jamie Grubbs got dysentery!  None of us really know what that is, but there seems to be a terrible stench coming from her crotch region. Rumor around the wagon is that she got it from “doing sex” to one of the Oxen.   The group came together and voted she’ll be sleeping on the roof of the wagon for the next 7 days.

• Hahaha so here’s the thing, right.  After her dysentery, Jamie Grubbs got bitten by a snake.  But get this, this is just what we told everyone.  You see it’s this code we came up with one night when we were texting each other 7thgrade smut-talk and it means, well….let’s just put it this way.  My snake may have bit her, but it definitely didn’t sting.  Ironically enough, it did sting when I pee’d a few days later.  Ugh if this wasn’t 1848 I’d totally get that checked out by the good old Doc.  Oh, note to self:  Running low on Ambien.

• Blah.  Elin is such a stick in the mud.  So she gets this “fever” and is all pissed off.  I told if she has a fever the only thing that can cure it is more cowbell.  Cowbell!  She. Did. Not. Find. That. Funny.  Ugh, she’s totally lost her entire sense of humor after this whole mistress scandal broke. Geesh!

• You think it’s cold out there with that severe blizzard?  You should try making small talk in the wagon with all these cold bitches!  Hey oh!

• Well, we’re all out of food.  I think Jungers has been sneaking extra donuts.  Anyway, some Indians came and helped us find food.  Wasn’t really the Indians I thought we’d encounter out here, but still helpful nonetheless.

• We’re about to vote Jungers off the wagon.  Now she has Typhoid.  Half of us don’t know what this disease is either, but we can all agree we’ve never seen someone sneeze out of their crotch before.  That Jamie Jungers, what a talent!  And worth every penny!  Allegedly.

• Keep calm, everyone.  Rachel Uchitel is just a little tired from the Ambien that we took last night.  You see, we like to take a bunch of Ambien and then have sex with each otherbecause, you know, it’s so cool having sex when you’re half asleep and snoring.  Oh and when she’s drooling out the sideof her mouth onto the pillow and doing that weird “leg kick” thing you do when you’re just about to go to sleep and start dreaming that you’re falling….yeah, HOT!

• So I text messaged Grubbs to meet me in “Tiger’s Woods” so we can hunt for a little meat (wink, wink) if ya know what I mean.  Yeah, well the Ambien must have still been working its magic because I accidentally sent it to Elin and, well, she showed up in the woods and tried to rob me and take my money.  She’s such a go-getter!  I miss her.  Well, I miss her the 7th most, you know, out of my lineup.

• Yikes!  I can’t catch a damn break, can I?  I have the worst luck.  I hate my life!  Rachel Uchitel died.  Damn it and she was one of my favorite mistresses too!  It’s times like these that you really sit back and reflect, you know?  Like, for example, I started to reflect on all my alleged mistresses and noticed that they all kinda got uglier and more busted as we went down the line.  Like, mistresses 1 through 3 were pretty hot….but then 4-8 were pretty below average….and then don’t even get me started once I got to 9 – 12!  Ugh, it was like I was just banging anything with eyes and I’m not even sure if one of the last one had eyes!?

• Great.  Well, Jungers just kicked it too.  At least Elin finally has half-a-smile on her face.  Elin told us it’s a Swedish custom to have the Oxen drag the dead body for the remainder of the trip.  So, yeah, we’ll give that a go.

• That’s odd.  Elin says she’s come down with Typhoid too.  Can you catch that from someone?  She doesn’t look sick?   And I’m pretty sure, now that I think about it, that “typhoid” is Swedish for “gank your money.”  I’ll keep an eye on her for the next few…..oh HEY Grubbs, you’re looking good today. Ow! Ow!

• I know it looks like I’m psyched that Elin has died, but I”m not technically psyched, I’m just…..hehehehe!  Yeah boy!  Cha-ching!  Sidestepped that landmine!  This day will always be a bit of a blur to me, but as the story will always be told for years to come, once Elin passed away people on the Oregon Trail swore that they saw dollar signs raining down from the Heavens!

• And. It. Just. Keeps. Gettin’. Better!  So I’m continuing on the trail with my bitch, J Grubbs, and JACKPOT!  We find this abandon wagon that had an extra wagon wheel.  Sweet!  We were just about to leave the wagon when all of sudden my alleged 10th mistress, Mindy Lawton, comes literally crawling out of the woodwork.  Lawton, Grubbs, and I all just looked at each other and had a good laugh.  Ooopsie!  I decided to leave Mindy on the trail since I’m out of Ambien and finally realized she looked like Ms. Hannigan on a meth binge.  What happens on the trail stays on the trail.  What, what!

• Oh snap!  Maybe I should have traded Jamie Grubbs for Mindy.  We ran out of water and Jamie peaced out.  I took out her face piercing and tossed it in the river like an elderly Rose did with her necklace on the Titanic.  Oh, and I’m currently using her tanned skin as curtains on the wagon to help keep the sun out. It’s getting hottsy totsy out there!

• Kinda quiet with just me in the wagon.  Dum-de-dum-de-dum.  Me and one of the Oxen gave it a go for a little while, but it wasn’t really the same.  The Oxen couldn’t do ”sexting” like the other girls could.  Is it getting chilly in here?  Why is everything getting so blurry.  Oh crap.  Typhoid!

• Well I had a really good run.  I kind of lived the life of a rewarded suicide bomber, but here on earth.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, these 17 women were no virgins, but you get the point.  I didn’t know Heaven would be so damn hot.  That’s weird, what’s Michael Jackson doing here?  I assumed he was going to hell.  Oh.  Well this sucks.

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IBBB and Some Pals Travel the Oregon Trail

Sweet!  We’re kicking off on a fun-filled voyage with some close friends: Kelly CUNTrone, Tyra Banks, Bindi Irwin (that little bitch), and Papouli from Full House!  I’ve bought the clothes, the oxen, some axel, a few yokes, 10 boxes of bullets (in case Bindi gets out of hand), and some food (in case Tyra need to “comfort eat”).  What can go wrong?  Oh, and by the way we’re under 3 minutes on our journey and Kelly CUNtrone already stinks.

God almighty!  So here’s the deal.  There’s already been some tension in the covered wagon between Kelly and Tyra.  Kelly tried to ask Tyra if she had an eating disorder, Tyra told Kelly to kiss her fat ass, and, well, Papouli is very literal so he did it.  He kissed that fat ass.  Kelly needed to get some air and has been missing for 4 days.  Why couldn’t it be Bindi?  Why!?!

Well guess who’s being a little bitch?  “Wah I’m hot.”  “Wah I’m cold.”  Wah, where am I?”  Boo hoo Bindi.  Bindi caught herself a fever.  Don’t tell anyone, but I told her that her fever would go away if she let the oxen pee on her for 10 minutes.  She tried it.  Now she stinks as bad as CUNTrone.

Dear Diary – I hate it on this wagon.  The only fun that I’ve been allowed to have (besides that Bindi/oxen/piss thing) was watching this dumb animal get mad cow disease.  The way he did that dancing trot brought minutes of laughter for all of us.  I guess it’s not so bad here.  Oh wait, the oxen just died.  Papouli is crying.  Baby.

Ugh.  Did I tell ya or did I tell ya?  Guess who just caught measles?  Looks like someone hasn’t been taking their Flintstones chewables that I brought along for the trip.  Are measles contageous?  Either way, Bindi is being secluded and asked to ride on the roof of the wagon.  No one objected and DSS doesn’t even exist yet, which is extremely convenient.

So we had no idea what was the matter with Tyra today.  Tyra.  I thought she was modeling her ass off, but apparently she caught some new disease called “dysentery.”  Tyra immediately tried to change the name of the disease to “dysentyra.”  We promised her we’d see what we could do once we got to Oregon.  That’s the other thing.  We are heading to Oregon, right?  Eh.

Well someone got tired from teaching all of us a great dance.  There was a lot of jumping and “oopa” yelling, but after 20 minutes Papouli was winded.  Hopefully he doesn’t die peacefully in his sleep.  Oopa!

“Hey guys – I’m going to take this here gun and got out to the “woods” and see if I can kill us some food for dinner, ok?”  I’m actually heading out to make myself take a dirtnap.  These people are the worst.  No really, they are.  This field is pretty nice.  I wish I didn’t have to gun myself down.  Maybe I can train that buffalo to kick the chair out from under me.  “Hey buffalo?”  Oooops.  Shot him.  Accident.

So rumor has it that Papouli has a snake bite.  What’s worse is that the rumor is that the snake bite is on his pee-pee.  Hey, even Papouli gets lonely out here in the wagon and Kelly CUNTrone refuses to give anyone any action.  Oh crap, is Bindi still on the roof?

Wow! No one can believe it!  Tyra actually became exhausted from talking about herself this entire trip.  Once she stopped telling us stories we just assumed she was dead.  She isn’t.

Sniff, sniff.  Sniff, sniff.  Uncle Jesse?  Is it ok to cry?  Well Papouli has kicked the bucket.  Oopa!  No one seems to be upset, except for Bindi who is complaining about Papouli supposed to be teaching her and her class a great dance at school (once we get to Oregon).  Hopefully Uncles Jesse can wear his red jeans and show up to Bindi’s school and do the dance with her.  Oh well.  Oopa!

Hmmph.  Who knew that Indian’s weren’t all about declaring jihad?  Anyway, Tyra was out in the wilderness making clothes from sticks, leaves, and mud when she came across (giggity) some Indian’s.  There were actually two Indian’s but I heard she talked one of them to death.  The remaining Indian agreed to trade Tyra some of his food for catwalk lessons.  Boys and girls, that Indian later in life became known around the world as “Ms J.”  This concludes our Social Studies lesson plan for the day.

What a crappy day (again).  Tyra was showing us all her fiercest runway walk that she did during the Victoria Secret fashion show and blah blah blah, when her leg literally just broke.  But you wanna know what?  Tyra kept walking.  Oh did she ever. Even with her bone sticking directly out of her leg she walked.  Well, she kinda dragged the leg but, still, you get the point.

A thief came in the middle of the night and robbed our asses.  It actually just ended up being Kelly with a cowboy hat on, but still, we feel violated.

Is it just me or is it a GREAT DAY!  The birds are singing, the weather has been getting better, we’re almost at our next destination.  Wonderful.  Oh, Bindi died.  I guess we left her on the roof too long.  Regardless, we’ve used her rotting corpse as a fat suit for Tyra.  Tyra wants to provide social experiments to more Indian’s along the way and thinks if she dresses in a fat suit she will change the course of history.  Oh that Tyra!

Well looks like that fat suit idea was a bust.  I guess someone should have told Tyra it was going to be 110 degrees today. 

We had been having some water problems recently and Kelly has been drinking piss the whole time.  You guys, she’s dead.  We don’t have any doctors onboard, but I think it’s safe to assume she died of “piss overload.”  It’s a real thing.

Bindi may be burning in hell right now, but looks like she got me again!  I’m suffering from the measles and I’m not totally sure, but I think my penis just fell off.  Didn’t know that could happen.  Guess it can.  Hmmmph.

Hi everyone!  I’m contacting you all via my Ouija Board.  Sucks to be dead.  Oh, and Bindi says hello.  I’ll see the majority of you down here soon.  Bring iced coffee.

“Oregon Trail” Predicts How “The Hills” Cast Will Die

Walk with me, my friends, as IBBB mixes two of his favorite things in life: The Hills and Oregon Trail. If you’re like me, you’ve always wondered what horrible diseases the cast from The Hills would die from and, well, I’m here to provide you those answers. So, get your oxen ready, buy some boxes of bullets, store the extra wagon wheels, and buy a few extra sets of clothes because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride up to The Oregon Trail. Yeeee Haw!

~ As the wagon leader, IBBB invited some of his favorite Hills cast members along for an all expense paid trip. Saddle up Audrina! Pack your chin, Heidi! Bring your beard bleach, Spencer. And do whatever it is you do, Lauren because we are just about ready to shove off!

~ IBBB, of course, chose to be the “banker from Boston.” I didn’t buy too many sets of clothes because I was hoping that Audrina will eventually become “exhausted” whilst on the trail and perhaps show her rack and/or “gentlemen greeter.” We may need those things easily accessible in case some robbers try to steal our crap when we’re broken down on the side of the dirt road.

~ This is going to be a great journey! It’ll be the same as when LC left Laguna Beach and traveled on her “big dangerous adventure” to Los Angeles. The rest is still unwritten…..

~ Honestly, we’re not even 2 full days into the trip and Heidi already has typhoid. She is such a drag (queen). We brought her to a nearby doctor and their opinion is that her chest and/or chin is about to explode due to “being a whore.” Hey, it’s the year 1848. What doctors have ever heard of “breast implants” or “chin removers?” We’ve asked Heidi to sing some of her magical songs to help lift her own spirits. This may cause sickness for others in the wagon, but we’re not ready to lose Heidi yet.

~ What luck! We’re already out of food, but come across some “wild fruit.” We had no clue that Brody and Frankie would gracing us with their presence! What a treat.

~ Here we go again! Audrina is an f’n mess. She’s been diagnosed with “exhaustion” but we tried to inform the doctors that she always looks like this. She tends to look up at the ceiling which makes her look sleepy. With all the “performing” that Heidi’s been doing in the wagon we’re not sure how much more Audrina can take.

~ Audrina could only take about a week of Heidi’s performance of “Higher” before she went into the light. Audrina passed away on June 19th. We did allow, however, one of the oxen to make sweet, sweet love to Audrina after she was pronounced dead. It’s the “circle of life” people. Get over it. We have removed Audrina’s beaver teeth (I said teeth…we left her actual beaver in tact) and are using them to help dig us out of the mud when we get stuck trying to cross the deeper rivers. It comes in handy for that….and to help remove many of Spencer’s Santa Pubes from his beard. Audrina was a real giver until the very end. R.I.P Teef.

~ Ugh. Everyone is sick and hungry. These guys are the f’n worst. I head out of the wagon for a little hunting session and bag me a buffalo. I’ve now provided us 100 pounds of meat. It’s strange because I’m convinced these chicks have eating disorders, yet we never have any food. As a sidenote, I dragged Audrina’s toothless body into the forest to try and lure out the buffalo. It worked. I then allowed the buffalo to make sweet, sweet love to Audrina. Looks like she bagged herself a buffalo husband. I left her in the woods.

~ It’s insanely hot out and LC got herself a case of Cholera. None of us know what that is but we assume it’s like herpes. We all sit about a campfire and tell stories of the days when LC used to date J Wahl. We should’ve invited him. Next time, maybe.

~ LC fought off her herpes-like virus for almost 10 days, but decided to visit Jesus instead of Oregon. As we tossed her in a shallow grave, we added “She’ll Always Be Known As the Girl Who Didn’t Go to Oregon” on her tombstone. It just seemed fitting.

~ Not one to let LC control things, Spencer died shortly thereafter but was never sick up until this point, which was strange. We suspect he wanted to follow LC into hell (which is where she ended up). We skinned off Spencer’s “Santa Pubes” beard and made a very 1848 stylish hat for Heidi.

~ Just when things seemed like they hit rock bottom, we lucked out a bit. You see, “Indian’s” helped us find some food, which was great! It was also very ironic because The Hills seldom allows other nationalities to make it onto their show. This is probably only why it “says” that Indian’s helped us, yet we didn’t actually “see” them. Regardless, the food they found us gave Heidi the shits.

~ I decided to head out hunting again, but it was just basically to get away from Heidi. Dear God that bitch is annoying. There weren’t any animals roaming around the forest so I took out Audrina’s teeth and had a 20 minute conversation about the awkwardness that we all felt when she was still alive and trying to become friends with Heidi again, even though LC was sitting right there in the wagon next to her. This conversation made me feel good. I swear I thought I saw those damn teeth smile back.

~ Heidi isn’t doing too good, you guys. She is f’n exhausted! Heidi’s realized how hard it is to lip-sync to her music video, chase seagulls around, AND hold the video camera and boom box all whilst flailing her arms. It took a lot out of her and she realized just how much Spencer helped her that day on the beach as he filmed her video for “Higher.”

~ I tried to convince Heidi that the drink I was giving her was tequila. She drank it down and started calling me “Jose.” We both smiled at each other, but what Heidi didn’t know was that I didn’t give her the tequila that she normally liked to drink on various episodes of The Hills, but it was just “bad water” instead. Similar to the episodes, Heidi did start saying every stereotypical Spanish thing she could think of. She assumed she was drunk. She wasn’t. I guess she was just racist. Heidi died on August 21, 1848. I sprinkled her new boobs, new chin, new weave, new lips, new nose, and new fake tan all across the glorious Mississippi River. It was touching. I was, however, a little relieved to be away from the cast. God works in mysterious ways.

~ Well, it’s just me in this funky smelling wagon. A thief came in the middle of the night and stole 9 of my oxen. It was dark and I could only make out a little bit of what the thief looked like, but it had shoulder length stringy black hair, white pasty skin, tired looking eyes, and some jacked up teeth. I’m almost certain it was Kelly Cutone who robbed my wagon. She may have robbed my wagon, but she rocked my world.

~ Ugh. Is everyone else this hot or is it just me? Am I hearing things? Now why am I freezing? Damn it. I bet I have a fever. I ask my one remaining oxen to see if I have a fever and he just kicks me in my junk.

~ Well, it got worse you guys. It looks like I didn’t die from the fever, but from “Inadequate Grass.” I didn’t know you could die from lack of pot, but apparently you can. Oh well.

~ In my final resting place I got to decorate my own tombstone. Jesus Claus and the makers of Oregon Trail are good like that. I had a wonderful trip with all my Hills friends. There was no doubt in my mind that I would, of course, outlive them all. All of us are in a meeting right now with Jesus (who strangely enough is 100% Irish) and we’re asking him if he knows why he programmed Whitney’s brain to add the letter “K” to words that really end with a letter “G.” He said he was thinkinK about it and would get back to us. Drat.

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