More Mindless Stories on ‘oprah’

Dear All the People Who Signed Up For Oprah’s “No Phone Zone” Pledge, I Don’t Believe You.

Dear All People Who Signed Up For Oprah’s “No Phone Zone” Pledge,

I don’t believe you.

Signed,
IBBB

Over 120,000 people have taken Oprah’s “No Phone Zone” pledge where they’re either claiming they will not text while driving, or will not text while driving, but may use handsfree calling if they need to use the phone, or will not text while driving, but will pull over if they need to use the phone.  Look, I get it.  Oprah has a point.  It’s not that smart to text while driving, but it’s a bit easier for the person to create this “pledge” when they are typically driven around in a chauffeured automobile.

Also, why isn’t it ok to text if you are sitting in traffic or at a complete stop at a stop light?  Ok, maybe the “sitting in traffic” part is a little overboard, but still.  I expect to get some nastygrams over this blog post, but I just wanted to call “B.S” on most of the people who signed this pledge.  They just want to anonymously impress Oprah and do whatever she says.  And “yes” I’m talking to you Julia Roooooobbbbbberrrrts! And “yes” I’m talking to you John Traaaaaavvvvvolta!  Fine I just wanted to toss in my Oprah impression.  That is all.

Oprah to End Show in September 2011: Quitters Never Prosper.

Lower the flags to half staff and bring in the dog.  Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey, it is rumored/confirmed, has decided to end her show after 25 years in September 2011.  Now most of you have probably never heard of her show before.  It’s called “Oprah.”  It’s a talk show.  I believe it’s watched by people in The United States and/or of the Americas, Canada, and parts of New Mexico. 

Tim Bennett, President of Oprah’s “Harpo” production company has made this horrible announcement and states that Oprah may discuss this more on Friday’s live show.  Ugh, if there even is a Friday anymore.

What I want to know is, what is Oprah going to do for money?  I mean, it’s likely that unemployment will still be on the rise in Sept 2011 and I worry for her finances.  I mean, she’s been a talk show host for 25 years.  That doesn’t exactly qualify you work at Dairy Queen or a Coconut Records or anything. 

As the old saying goes, “Quitters Never Prosper” and I agree with this statement.  Oprah will, more than likely, never prosper and just fade into the sunset.  I now envision her, Gayle, and Stedman living in a broken down shack in the middle of the woods in Utah, where they will probably kidnap some kids and hold them their as sex slaves and the like.  Poor Oprah.  Poor America.  Poor New Mexico.

Dear Oprah, I Would Have Been Totally Fine if You Stopped After the Whitney Houston Interview. Really.

Hey Oprah, how are you?  You’re right, I apologize.  I’ll try it again.  Hello Blessed Mother Oprah of the Winfrey’s, how are you?  Look, I get it.  I really do.  Your ratings are down a bit.  Judge Judy has been mopping the floor with your bummity-bum, probably thanks to me and my dad who love a little Judy.  I must be honest.  I was pumped when I heard Whitney Houston was going to be on your show because I was secretly praying for some more crazy crack talk.  I even tuned into to see your Flash Mob (giggity) on your season premiere.  However comma backslash, you wanna know what I don’t want to hear?  I actually don’t want to hear Julie from One Day at a Time telling us that she played “Diddles For Sale” with her dad, who I can only assume was Schneider.

Look, I get that Mackenzie Phillips is selling her new book like a hooker in heat on Wall Street during a recession, but that little story that she’s telling to the world, well, that’s the type of story you add to your Will, place in a glass bottle, and toss into the ocean moments before you die.  You don’t exactly go on Oprah and tell this while you’re still alive and kicking.  You don’t want to know about the skid marks in my underwear and I don’t want to know about your sexual escapades with Schneider.

This Time Last Year: I Was Actually Excited For Oprah’s New Show. Gulp.

It’s time for your favorite “lazy Friday” segment, “This Time Last Year.”  Basically, I post what I was blogging about this time last year.  Catchy title.  Anyway, I was red with secondhand embarressment when I read how pumped I appeared in anticipation of Oprah’s new reality show.  What a let down.  Anyway, here’s what I was discussing about Oprah….this time last year.

Oprah Tries to Fix the Real Housewives of Orange County

Put a cork in your spray tan gun because Oprah’s giving away makeoverrrrrrrrs! Everybody gets a makeover. You get a makeover and you get a makeover and you get a makeover and you get a makeover. Everybody gets a makeooovvvverrrrrrr! Ok I’m done.

Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey decided that the chicks from Real Housewives of Orange County not only needed a complete makeover, but they also needed to be hosed off and left to dry hanging on a clothesline. The crew from Oprahland chiseled off six layers of makeup, placed their racks in the witness protection program, and taught the women that there are other hair color options besides “white.” Betty White, that is.

I think the makeovers make them all look 15 years older, although it was nice to get them out of the mid 90’s. Jeana (last photo) looks good and thin too! I wonder if they used that camera that Paula Abdul used in her “Promise of a New Day” video?

P.S –> Tamra looks like Elise Keaton from “Family Ties.”

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Wait, Is Oprah the New President?

Ugh I hate writing anything on this blog that’s political because I pretty much don’t take anything seriously. Then I saw Oprah. So I figured it was acceptable. In my best Oprah impression…..ahem…..ahem……”Meet your new President, Barack Obaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaa!”

In case you’ve been pinned under a bus for the past 9 hours (1) call for help and (2) Obama is the new President of the United States (that’s America). So let’s see how it goes in January. Hopefully he can somehow give us 4 more years of The Hills. I assume that’s what the President’s focus on. They do, right?

P.S –> Do you think Elisabeth Hasselbeck imploded?

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Oprah Talks All Crazy While on Diet

So, uh, Oprah is all tweaking out and junk from her 21 day detox diet. Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey completed her diet and then took to her blog to write down some thoughts that I kind of have no clue what she’s talking about. Let’s take a look into the detoxed brain of Oprah, shall we?

“Day 21…yes I want some wine. Bordeaux 82. Just one glass at sunset, almost broke down and had a glass. I didn’t, mostly because of my commitment to fellow VCTers. Tomorrow Scarlet…tomorrow is another day. That’s my mantra for now. This has been exactly what we intended: enlightening. I will forever be a more cautious and conscious eater. That’s my commitment for now. To stay awakened. “

Yowza. That’s almost word for word what the drunken homeless dude I walk by on my way to work said to me this morning. What in the holy hell is Oprah talking about? Why do I feel that all of a sudden at the Oprah compound she is reenacting that Bugs Bunny episode when those two guys are shipwrecked and keep looking at each other like they’re a pork chop and hot dog? And you know Gayle is the hot dog. You just know it.

Oh well, hopefully Oprah sticks to her detox plan and goes completely insane. At least her show will be watchable then.

Source: Oprah’s Blooooooooog!

Oprah’s Going to Detoooooooox!

Surprise everyone! It’s IBBB’s Favorite Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiings! On the top of my favorite things list is Oprah and detoooooooooooox! Blessed Mother Oprah of the Winfrey’s is tossing her ass on a 21-day detox plan, in which she says goodbye to such food as: animal, caffeine, sugar, gluten, alcohol, and small snacks in Gayle’s booooooooooox! I hope they’re filming this shit because I feel like I’m going to need to see Oprah in food detox. I have images of her strangling her audience members and that makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

Oprah is going to be blogging (aka her staff will be logging into Oprah’s blog pretending to be Oprah) to let people know all the ups and downs of her diet. Blessed Mother Oprah of the Winfrey’s has said, “This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change. Don’t know if I’m going to feel better or worse, but I’m willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently.”

She still has a little time to get into bathing suit shape for John Travollllllllttttta!

Source It Up!

Everybody Gets Reruns Onllllly!!

This Time Last Year: Oprah’s School

Happy Friday and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with Oprah, her school, her cameltoe and IBBB this time last year…

Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey has opened up a second school in South Africa, which is an environmentally friendly school and an Oprah friendly school. I don’t know what that means. The school which is named, “Seven Fountains Primary School” was funded by her Angel Network. Oprah declared, “The Seven Fountains School is an example of what schools in South Africa can become.” Yeah, they can become that if rich and famous talk-show hosts build them. No pressure Ricki Lake.

As Oprah opened the school to a packed audience teachers and students chanted, “Long Live Oprah, long live!” No joke, they actually said that. The skies then opened and God raised up Oprah, pushed aside Jesus and allowed Oprah to sit “at the right hand of the Father.” God then hi-fived Oprah and she taught God how to “z-snap” just like Tyra Banks. Heaven must be a real hoot. I’ll fill you in on what hell is like…eventually.

Seriously, as much as I want to joke, this really is a great thing that Oprah has done. She’s a great example of what someone with money can do and not be afraid to do. She literally is making a difference in so many peoples lives. I mean, not mine, but whatever. However, just because Oprah is doing these “good deeds” does NOT mean that she can escape my “IBBB Cameltoe Rating System….to the Stars!”

Nice try Oprah, but you’ve been captured with “the camel” all the way over in South Africa. Seriously, this must be the richest cameltoe alive. Am I a bit jealous? Sure. I give this 3 out of 5 camels. Oprah really made this one her own.

As a side note, is it ironic that in the picture of Oprah with her hands up consists of dark black storm clouds over the children, yet bright and sunny skies directly over Oprah? I don’t think so. I told you she has some type of deal with God!

As a second side note, a friend was text messaging me while I was writing up this story and when this friend asked me what I was doing I replied, “just adding camels to Oprah’s cameltoe.” Seriously, who says that? Nobody. I guarantee that sentence has never been said before. Ever.

Oprah’s Big Give!!!!!!!

• Oprah’s new reality show started up last night. I’m pretty sure this is a big trick and this will really be Oprah’s Favorite Things episode, but I’ll watch anyway.
• In typical Tyra Banks fashion, Oprah calls the contestants personally. If Oprah called me I would definitely ask her if Gayle was in bed next to her. I’d then, for sure, be asked to no longer be on the show.
• Some of the contestants react like the normal audience members at the Oprah show…well the women do. The guys are just like, “cool, thanks Oprah.
• It’s been 5 full minutes. Why hasn’t Oprah given out a car yet? I’m bored.
• It’s been 6 minutes and Oprah already started yelling and is even showing about 3 centimeters of cleavage or “Oprage” as I like to call it.
• 7 minutes in and Oprah yells, “you’re very fiiiiiirst challllennnnnngggge!” I’m officially watching the entire season.
• Teams are formed and the challenges are ready to begin. The first teams stops off at this ladies house. She doesn’t know who they are, but she (and her two little daughters) let in the strangers. Note to self, bring a camera crew and just start burglarizing people. Oh, and say you’re with the Oprah show too. Clearly everyone buys that.
• Ok IBBB readers, we have an issue. These stories are kind of sad…horrific even. I don’t think that even I can make fun of them. Crap. I’ll have to just stick to Oprah. I hope she pops up soon!
• Ok there’s the car. I assumed Oprah would find a way to toss one in. Where has Oprah been though? I miss her.
• Why are the judges yelling at the fashion show team? It’s like, “You’re helping people and raising money, but I don’t like fashion shows so why did you do it?!” Can you really do charity wrong?
• Isn’t Jamie Oliver a chef? Why is he a judge? I thought Oprah once said only God could judge us. Why didn’t she get God?
• Nate Berkus and Ryan Seacrest are the same person right?
• Kimberly gets the boot this week. Thanks Kimberly, you can stop helping people now.

Oprah’s Reality Show: Oprah’s Big Give

I cannot wait for Oprah’s new reality show to start up, called “Oprah’s Big Give.” I was hoping they’d title it “Oprah’s Big Hips,” but after many letters I sent to ABC requesting this were returned I guess they decided to stick with the original title. Boring. Anyway, I’m not really a big fan of Oprah’s as I feel that people who came from nothing and had to overcome many horrific obstacles in their lives should not be rich later in life. Nope. The only people who should be rich are those that had privileged upbringings without struggle…especially none filled with dirty molestation – but I digress and digest as I am eating whilst I type.

Moving on. I’m pumped about her new show because I KNOW it’s going to chock full of Oprah yelling and repeating herself and then yelling again. And I saw in the preview that John Travolta is making a cameo so I will be sitting by with a beer and some popcorn just to hear Oprah yell, “JOHN TRAVOOOOOOOLTA!” I’m hoping the focus is mainly on Oprah, though, and not the contestants. Actually, if someone could just film Oprah all day long (perhaps by using one of those fancy helmet cameras) I would quit my job and dedicate my life to watching Oprah just live life.

Alas that will not happen, so here’s how the show will go down. Each contestant is given a photo, directions, and $2500. In five days you must change the lives of the needy and less fortunate. What they “don’t” know is that in the end, the person who raises the most money actually wins $1 million. Or as Oprah will probably say, “$1 MILLION DOLLLLAAAAAAAAAARS!.” I can’t freakin’ wait. I’m beside myself with excitement. The only thing that would make this better was if Della Reese was Oprah’s co-host.

Everybody Gets a TV Netwooooork! Nope. Actually, Just Oprah.

Oprah’s Dad to Sass Oprah’s Ass

…In Other News…

Blessed Mother Oprah Winfrey was honored at the Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity over the weekend. Others who were randomly in attendance while Oprah was given the Humanitarian Award at the Waldolf-Astoria in NYC, you ask? Well that would be random Martha Stewart, random Iman, random Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie from Saved By the Bell), random Damon Dash, random Ron Howard, and of course, Gayle King. In other random news…

~ The Spice Girls Are Set to Ruin Music Again! ~ DListed
~ Janice Dickinson is the Walking Dead ~ CelebritySmack
~ Pete Doherty Takes a Break from Drugs to Play Soccer…Then Back to Drugs ~ AgentBedHead