More Mindless Stories on ‘newport harbor’

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation

Alright alright, it’s graduation day for the troops of Douche Bag Creek. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to figure out who was who and, while I still don’t really know, the season is almost over. Here’s how this episode, “You are Not Replaceable,” went down:

• How the hell rich is Chrissy’s family? Her house it like a resort. Why would she leave there to go to college and live in a 2×4 concrete dorm room?
• It’s officially, Samantha is retarded. Listening to her try to tell her friends the “saying” that her dad always says is painful. I mean, not because she really doesn’t know, but because you know the producers cast her as the “retarded Heidi” character who seems to say stupid things in every episode. You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. Really? Don’t bees make honey? I’m confused. Thank God there is only one crapisode left.
• What’s wrong with Steve Sanders Jr’s voice? Why does he talk like that? Does a voice like that eventually go away? Like, when it’s time to interview for a job and stuff does his voice stay like that?
• Allie is still fighting with her dad about her busted trip to Europe. Again, why would she want to leave the mansion that she lives in? What’s her dad all nervous about? It’s not like it’s just her and her friends. It’s her, her friends, and the entire camera crew that follows them around.
• Clay takes Chrissy to “Joe’s Crab Shack.” Awesome. I’m not sure I’d take a girl to any place that has “Crabs” in it. That’s something she gets to figure out on her own 2 week later. Oh! Stop me if you heard this.
• Question and answer time: Clay is a year younger than Chrissy. Chrissy is graduating and going to college. Clay promises to visit her in college all the time. Isn’t this the same exact scenario as Laguna Beach’s Steven and Kristin? Steven was the one going to college and Kristin was going to visit all the time. Yeah, that worked out well.
• Chrissy and her dad play a nice round of golf, at her house, and chat about her 1:30 AM curfew. Her dad wants her to keep her curfew. It’s not like she’s out having sex. This we know. Again, if I were her I would never leave the mansion that I lived in. I’d actually want a curfew of like 8:00 PM. I’d just tell my friends, sorry I have a curfew, I need to go back to my mansion.
• AWESOME! Allie and Samantha are having the “Obligatory Laguna Beach Season 1, 2, and 3 Return to The Hills 1 and 2 Featuring the Cast of Douche Bag Creek” Beach Bonfire!
• Allie superficially tells Chase not to bring his douche-bag girlfriend, to which the producers must have specifically told Chase to bring his douche-bag girlfriend…so he does.
• The whole crew shows up at the bonfire and as time passes everyone starts acting a bit different. While I didn’t spot any of the famous “red keg cups” suspect the kids are drunk. Good for them. I’d drink all the live-long day if I had to shoot this crap all day too.
• This bonfire is very reminiscent of Jessica and “what’s his face” breaking up at the bonfire during Laguna Beach. Those were the days. I miss Cami.
• Great, now it’s time for the obligatory “show the spoiled brats getting their gifts right before graduation.” The best part of this is seeing the parents. A creepy one always sneaks in there.
• Well, this time is no different. Now, is Chase’s mom actually in porn? Just checking.
• Funny how Clay gives Chrissy a “lay” for graduation. Yes, I’m 10.
• Allie finally gets to her trip to Europe. Just another reason for the Europeans to hate us Americans
• Why do I care to see these baby pictures? There’s been like 4 episodes (luckily) of Douche Bag Creek. I barely like the grown up version of these people, why would I want to see their jacked up baby pictures?

Next week: Season Finale. No joke, I can barely do one more episode.

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation
Newport Harbor Recap

Newport Harbor: "Chrissy the Virgin"

Surprisingly they haven’t pulled the plug on Newport Harbor…er…I’m sorry I meant “Douche-Bag Creek.” On this very special crapisode of Douche Bag Creek, Chrissy alerts the world and lets them know that her “gentlemen greeter” has yet to “greet any gentlemen.” Did she at least shake a gentleman’s hand or anything? To crack my 10 year old joke, Chrissy is a big virgin. Way to be a role model to all the whores out there. Here’s how this episode, The “V” Word, went down:

• Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are on the beach in jeans and what I can only assume are Nicole Richie’s sunglasses.
• Chrissy is all nervous because she’s a virgin and tells Sasha that she’s proud of herself for remaining virgin alllllll throughout high school. Wow, what an accomplishment. You weren’t a 2 dollar whore in high school. Move other Mother Theresa, we have a new saint in line! Chrissy, do you at least let boys touch your boobies? It’s one thing being a virgin, it’s another thing being a tease.
• As a side note, my prediction is that Chrissy will be slutting it up like it’s her last day on earth once she enters college. Good luck with your 2.0 GPA and morning after pill. Cheers!
• Now are Allie and Samantha considered legally retarded? They have a legit conversation on whether or not Italy is a country. They settle on the fact that Italy is a state, just like a state here in the good old USA. Good job girls! Thank God your parents have money.
• Taylor and Chase talk on the pier about how he dicked her over at the Prom. I couldn’t care less about this, but it makes me really miss the old Laguna Beach with Kirstin and Steven. Granted they, too, were douche bags but it was may more entertaining. I also miss Cami very badly. I miss you Cami. I love you. Come back to TV. Come back.
• Back to Samantha and Allie. These two are now trying to figure out what French food is like and Allie seems to think that French food is “animals.” Mmmm sounds appetizing. French restaurants must be great. You open the menu and it just says “animals.” They then try to figure out what caviar is called, but not before calling it “caaaaar.” Sound it out stupid. You better hope you get pregnant SOON by some rich guy. Immediately get your kid a tutor, stat.
• Chrissy goes shopping for underwear for her big date. You know what Chrissy, if you aren’t going to give up the goods, don’t even bother trying to dress up your “gentlemen greeter.” It’s kind of like putting a plastic bag over a Christmas Tree. It’s pointless…and dangerous. It could catch fire.
• You know what, good for Chrissy being comfortable saying she’s virgin over and over and over and over and over again, but it’s actually making me a little uncomfortable. Whatever happened to the days of being embarrassed and ashamed over that? She should at least lie about it and tell people she lost her virgintity from her dad or something.
• Chase and Taylor are back together. Who gives an F? Apparently not Chrissy since she technically doesn’t give an F.
• Allie fights with her parents about her trip to France. She says she’s an adult and should be treated like one. Oh, and her dad paid for her entire trip. Yup, that’s an adult. It is very supportive when Allie’s dad says she’s only 17 and doesn’t even have a clue. You ever wonder why your daughter is on the therapy couch? Yeah, statements like that.
• Chrissy the big V and Clay are on their date in the hot tub and she tells him that she’s a virgin. So now he knows, I know, and the other 14 people who watch this show. Clay says, “good job!” Yeah, she didn’t kick a field goal. Fine, good job on not being a slut.

Newport Harbor: “Chrissy the Virgin”
Newport Harbor Recap

Newport Harbor: The Prom. Yeah!

It’s another craptastic episode of “Newport Harbor: Laguna Beach 4 – Return to The Hills 3.” This is a very special episode because not only do we get to fully experience 3 generations of Steve Sanders (Steve Sanders Jr., Steve Sanders, and Steve Sanders), but it’s also the Prom episode where everyone will sneak attack their perspective dates like kamikaze pilots and ask them to “Prom.” Why they don’t put “the” before “prom” is beyond me. Anyway, here’s how this crap went down:

• Steve Sanders Jr and Allie exchange “guess who will go to the prom with who” games. I secretly hope a tsunami appears out of nowhere and puts these two out of their misery.
• Prom Attack # 1 – Steve Sanders Jr. asks Sasha to go to the prom by making a ghetto poster that says, “Prom with G.” Sasha is shocked by this (as if she didn’t season any of the Laguna Beach episodes) and asks if he really thought of this himself. Really, was she impressed by this? Yes, he spent all day thinking up the most creative plan of standing out of his sunroof and holding up a poster. Pure brilliance. I now wish the tsunami would come after me.
• Prom Attack # 2 – Allie is at dinner with her douche bag dad and Chase sneak attacks her with a red carnation ans asks her to “Prom.” She looks so shocked. Maybe she didn’t get a copy of the script?
• Prom Attack # 3 – Clay and Chrissy go out on the boat into Newport Harbor. There’s a big banner hanging off the bridge that says “Chrissy, Prom?” I now wish that the bridge would collapse on them. I mean it happened in Minnesota, so I figured there was a chance?
• As a side note, I would like to change the name of this show from Newport Harbor to “Douche Bag Creek.” Who’s with me?
• Allie wins the award for asking Chase literally 2,000 questions. No joke she was like The Riddler. She’s the worst. This show is the worst. This makes me the worst. “Douche Bag Creek” – 1, IBBB – 0.
• So what’s up with Chrissy’s mom? Is she like a crazy MILF? She seems more crazy than MILF-y.
• Is Allie wearing her bathrobe to the prom? I’m confused.
• Alright! Here’s the seasons first, “Can you believe this is our last prom” comment. I feel like we’re only minutes away from a drunken limo ride home that ends in tears.
• I’m shocked that Steve Sanders Jr isn’t wearing a top hat and sporting a cane. I would have bet my entire bank account ($13.75) that he was going to be “that kid.”
• Scratch my previous comment. Allie is wearing the silky bathrobe that Peg Bundy used to wear in “Married with Children.”
• Awesome! And cue the limo scene where everyone just screams “woooo!” Wooooo! Owww! Yeah! Prom!
• Seriously I love this shit. And cue the scene (that they used in Laguna Beach) where they use actual ghetto video camera footage. They did the SAME thing in the 90210 prom where Brenda really “got down.” I believe moments after that Brenda became a woman.
• Everyone just continues to yell “Woooo!” and “Owwwww!”
• Even better. The after-party. People aren’t drinking out of keg cups, but “office coffee cups” instead.
• At one point Steve Sanders Jr is on a exercise bike and falls off. I love underage drinking.
• Ok, it’s official. I lapsed into another coma. Feel free to fill me in and share you favorite moments of the last 5 minutes of the episode.

  Newport Harbor: The Prom. Yeah!

Newport Harbor: The Lame BBQ

It’s amazing how horrific this season is and I don’t mean horrific like, “it’s actually pretty good and a train wreck and I need to see it.” I actually mean horrific. This crew of crackheads are so boring. Who found these people? Maybe they should have tried another beach. Is there a beach in Compton? Anyway, here’s how the episode, “Sealed with a Kiss” went down:

• Chrissy runs like a retard. Seriously during the high-pitched conversation between Chrissy and Sasha I feel like only dogs can hear them at this point.
• How can a camera crew fit on the boat when Clay is wakeboarding?
• Why does Allie’s brother care about what goes on with Clay and Chrissy? He actually looks interested and not just because the script told him.
• How come every time one of the girls calls a guy they sit on their bed lying on their stomach with their legs bent in the air and their feet crossed? No joke, it’s like that in every crapisode. Who does that?
• Sweet, Clay and Allie go on a “date” at apparently the only place to go in Newport Harbor: Miniature Golf. I know Newport Harbor is supposed to be really nice, but I’m not impressed. It doesn’t look like a beach town at all like in Laguna Beach.
• It’s now time for my obligatory “I miss Cami” statement. I miss Cami.
• When we make it to the first commercial break, I pray that there are only 5 minutes left of the show. I tear up a bit when I realize there are at least 20 minutes left.
• What the hell is up with the “Hamtpon High Revealed” commercials? Why do I need to vote for what happens next? I’m confused. What are they selling?
• Awesome! Hot Allie and hot Samantha laying out on a boat. That was sarcasm. I may have lapsed into a coma.
• Ok let’s cue the BBQ. They all give each other awkward hugs when they arrive. Chrissy’s parents aren’t home for the night which means she can really whore it up.
• Seriously Grant really is Steve Sanders Jr (aka Spencer Pratt). I’m convinced there is some time of relation there.
• Realizing how bored I am during the conversation between Clay and Chrissy, do you think they’re bored even talking about out? You are no LC and Jason, my friends. Not at all.
• Damn the mini golf again! Why does Chrissy have this in her backyard?
• Clay and Chrissy go on a dumb dinner date and end the night with a kiss that I’d bet my bank account that the MTV crew made them do. They probably took 6 takes of it too. Perverts.

I’m not kidding, this episode was painful. This season is painful. Although they hooked me for next week because now I need to see how these tools ask their dates to the prom. That’s always a big f’n production.

Newport Harbor: The Lame BBQ

Newport Harbor: The Bikes

Ah Laguna Beach, I mean Newport Harbor. What a great show. After watching the latest episode I’ve realized that the most interesting thing of the episode was the bikes that Chrissy and crew seem to ride throughout the episode, but we’ll get to that in a few. Here’s how this crapisode of Newport Harbor went down:

• The episode kicks off with Chase and Taylor breaking up. I think it had something to do with the police because they kept saying, “No you’re a cop” to each other. Weird.
• Enter “the bikes.” What the F is up with the bikes that Chrissy and Sasha are on? First off I think they got these bikes off the set of The Brady Bunch. Second, do they even know how to ride these things? No joke they’re swerving the whole time while riding them. Third, why do they have squeaky toys on them? And 4th, how are they filming this scene? Is the camera crew on a truck or are they just walking and filming it because Chrissy and Sasha are peddling at 1 mile per hour? I have a feeling we’ll see these bikes again.
• Clay and his random ass friend “Austin” go for a slice of pizza. Austin kind of has the “Gotti Boys” hairdo but without the gel. Basically his hair is feathered all over, especially in the back. The sides of his hair looks like he was going for the Charlies Angel look. Maybe he was. To each his own.
• Is everyone on this show called either Clay or Chase? I’m confused.
• Steve Sanders Jr (Grant) is out on a scripted date with Taylor in which I believe he is wearing a black valour shirt. It could be a valour track suit. It’s hard to tell. During the dinner date, Steve Sanders Jr suggests going to the hot tub and Chase tries to call Taylor but she won’t answer. Wait, I’ve seen this whole thing before during Laguna Beach. No joke, do they think we’re stupid? This show is exactly the same as Laguna Beach, even the storylines. It’s like when “The Office” came to America. Each episode of the first season was the same as the British version of “The Office.” At least the was technically overseas. Newport Harbor is down the street from Laguna Beach. Get original!
• Oh, and by the way, we get it. Verizon and Motorola must sponsor this show. I think they showed the Verizon and Motorola phones 15 times in this episode.
• Chase goes over to Chrissy’s house and kisses her. Luckily they didn’t show it.
• In another “same exact scene from Laguna Beach,” Chrissy and Taylor “bump” into each other at a clothing store and give awkward looks at each other while they look for clothes.
• In another “same exact moment from Laguna Beach,” the guys are having a poker night and the girls crash it. Oh wait, this is completely different than the Laguna Beach episode because in the Laguna Beach episode of poker night they were drinking out of RED keg cups and in the Newport Harbor poker night episode they are drinking out of BLUE keg cups. Completely different.
• At poker night, Clay doesn’t talk to Chrissy so the next day she rides her Brady Bunch bike over to Clay’s house to have an awkward and scripted conversation. Clay is pissed at Chrissy and she sadly rides her bike away, swerving the whole time. Awesome. Wear a helmet ya freak!

I feel like I should watch Newport Harbor on life support.

Newport Harbor: The Bikes
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