Ho ho holy crap Allie’s parents new house is completely insane. The entire episode of Douche Bag Creek should have just been about their house. I would have been fine with that. Anyway, it’s Christmas time for the kids of Douche Bag Creek and that can only mean one thing; let’s decorate the piss out of some boats that are in the creek! In this very special Christmas episode of Douche Bag Creek, here’s what went down:

• Chrissy and Sasha are playing about 14 seconds of tennis, just officially enough time for Sasha to ask Chrissy about her and Clay 35 times. How come Sasha isn’t asking Chrissy about her newest love interest, Freshman 15?
• So can Steve Sanders Jr (aka Grant) have one conversation without smiling? Also, nothing says “let’s have some male bonding on the boat” quite like chatting like school girls about his friends relationship status. Does Steve Sanders Jr know that his role in this mini season is to strictly ask questions to Clay about Chrissy?
• And cue Allie’s parents new house. It’s actually more like a compound.
• Seriously, this compound is completely insane. What in the hell does Allie’s parents do for a living? This, my friends, officially makes Allie hotter to me. The fact that her parents are this loaded and that one day I could inherit that house makes Allie kinda like a supermodel. See how that works?
• As a sidenote, this is the most airtime that Allie and Samantha have had all mini-season. Typically they’re sitting down having coffee for 35 seconds. Bonus points though for Samantha continuing her war on dressing up for the camera and strictly wearing sweat pants.
• Ahhh here we are. Allie and Samantha are sitting down and I think they’re trying to plan a party at Allie’s new compound. They’re using the word “like” a million times and they’re saying something about a 1920’s theme, gangsters, flappers, and scarves (??). They could have been discussing global warming though. There’s no way for me to decode.
• Chrissy calls Brody Jr Jenner (aka Billy) to give him the big diss and blow of their plans for the weekend so that she can take care of some business at “the creek.” At least she had the decency to do this over the phone and not via email.
• As Sasha is walking her dog with Chrissy I think of one thing: I can totally see her cameltoe. Thank you, Douche Bag Creek, for incorporating one of my favorite things into your show. It’s almost like you read IBBB and act accordingly.
• What in the hell are these two talking about? I’m officially embarrassed. Chrissy and Sasha are talking about the big party at Allie’s house and how Clay will be there and they’re equating it to Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh). Chrissy ends the retarded conversation by saying, “I hope the slipper fits.” Gross. I hope the bullets fit into the gun and you make some real decisions.
• Now is Chrissy’s house really decorated for Christmas or did they just photoshop in some lights. Also, isn’t Chrissy Jewish? Not that one of her parents can’t be not Jewish or not that Jewish people can’t also celebrate Christmas, so please delete your hate mail. Just an observation.
• Does Chrissy know that she’s wearing Cheri Johnson’s headband from Punky Brewster? Just checking.
• Everyone is dressed as best as they can be for the 1920’s theme. One kid has a t-shirt on that says something about “Property of the Hong Kong” (??) whilst another character from the creek is wearing martini sunglasses because all this makes sense.
• In a matter of minutes, Chrissy seems trashed (hot) and needs to talk with Clay. They drag that crap out for like 5 minutes and then she awkwardly goes up to Clay to say, “wanna talk” while he is talking with Taylor. It’s so awkward that Taylor actually laughs into her cup. Rewind it.
• Can Chrissy breathe with that thing so tight around her head?
• Wait, where did it go? She was just wearing it. Tricky editing!
• Clay basically gives Chrissy the shaft. She sits on a bench by herself to reflect. Tough times in Douche Bag Creek.
• Did anyone spot Allie’s dad in the background drinking out of a red keg cup? It’s like “Where’s Waldo” DBC edition. I hope he likes spending time in jail.
• Steve Sanders Jr listens to the writers and producers advice and tells Clay to give Chrissy another shot. God bless us everyone.
• Allie tells Sam that she got a job. She then says, “so much can change in a year.” A job. Crazy, huh? They’re making it seem like Allie has enrolled in the army and is shipping off to Iraq. Well, at least she’s working. Someone needs to pay for that house.
• Kylie and Chase are at the beach and she basically makes him look like a douche for coming to Santa Barbara. I think she kinda breaks up with him. Hopefully he can get his deposit back on his new Santa Barbara apartment….and his dignity.
• Chrissy heads down to Clay’s beach house so she can decorate the piss out his boat.
• Oh God. Chrissy gives Clay a gift, which is a sweatshirt that says USC on it, as she is already transferring schools (similar to what Lauren did on Laguna Beach right before she got her own show, The Hills). What about her sorority? Well that was a waste.
• Ok. So. Here is my FAVORITE scene of the entire mini-season. Did Chrissy just PLUG IN Clay’s boat from the dock? Yup, she did. She literally plugs in his boat and it is lit up with all Christmas lights. Meanwhile, the boat is about 50 feet from the dock. Does she have a 50 foot extension cord?
• Clearly, Chrissy decorating his boat is enough for these two to get back together. They take spin around Douche Bag Creek and kiss under the mistletoe and end scene.
• Well, they definitely set this episode up to have another season. Let’s see if they will rot our brains again someday.

4 episodes came and gone so quickly. I feel like I am a better human being for watching and by “better human being” I really mean “a worthless loser.” If there’s another season I will try to recap the crap out of it.

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Gobble Gobble! It’s time to give thanks during the Thanksgiving episode of Douche Bag Creek. Is is just me or does Chrissy seem to come home every 4 days? Anyway, here’s how this episode, It’s O-V-E….but not R, goes down:

• Ah sorority sluts. How I’ve missed them. The sorority sisters a telling Chrissy how much they’ll miss her and her family when she goes home for Thanksgiving. Yeah, more like they’ll miss her party mansion. Although, I’m sure the girls are relieved they won’t have to run into Chrissy’s dad who is probably already sketching out his plan to drug them and then diddle the hell out of them. Pervert.
• Steve Sanders Jr. is a tool, but then he calls Chrissy’s “boyfriend” Billy a “douche” and then suddenly I gain a little respect for him. This is Douche Bag Creek after all so it is fitting. As a side note, why does Clay always look high? Is he going to be the new J-Wahl?
• Steve Sanders Jr haircut is sort of resembling Ellen DeGeneres. Just sayin’.
• Taylor and her friend are getting their make-up done in what looks like an 80’s music video montage because…..? No clue why.
• Kylie, Chrissy, Chase, and Brody Jr. Jenner are all on a double-date and talking about the party from the week before. They all sound like they are reading from cue cards when Brody Jr. Jenner says, “that was a nice surprise though, right?” (about Clay surprising Chrissy). They all awkwardly laugh….but more like because he wasn’t reading the cue cards, he was just ad-libbing. Perhaps this was like the Blooper reel for them?
• Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are having the lamest BBQ ever. Taylor shows up in what I can only assume is aluminum foil. Oh wait, maybe they’re going to toss her onto the grill and cook her up?
• Taylor peels off her tin foil and hops into the hot tub. Whoa. How the hell old is she? 18? Please? She is way hotter than Chrissy. Thanks for packing on the Freshman 15, Chrissy, in the first 2 months. Can’t wait to see you rolling onto the scene in May.
• YES! It’s time for a pointless segment with Allie and Samantha! This is great! It looks like they’re at the same apartment complex that Daniel and his mother moved into in Karate Kid Part One. I know, for sure, that Mr. Miagi is around there somewhere.
• These two are so pointless. No joke, Allie just said the word “like” around 56 times. I’m not lying. Rewind it and count it. If they edited out all the times Allie said “like” her conversation would have gone something like this: “Hey Sam.” The end.
• Even better! It’s time for a scripted Thanksgiving dinner at Chrissy’s house. There is basically no other family members there except the token grandma and then Chrissy’s DB friends. Chrissy’s dad better keep that turkey in front of his pants because I think he’s ready to diddle.
• Oh Christ. They’re going around the table saying what they are thankful for. My turn. I’m thankful that I haven’t gone into cardiac arrest and lapse into a coma from watching this show. I’m the worst.
• Oh Christ Part II. Chrissy’s pervy dad is asking Chase and Kylie is they’re together….you know, because it’s his business? Chrissy’s mom calls them “tweeners” and it’s at this moment where I decide I officially hate me and my life.
• Sasha is shoveling in her food. Down girl!
• Here’s where the secondhand embarrassment comes in. Chrissy says that with her and Clay it’s O-V-E….but the “R” isn’t there yet. Retard. No joke, no one says anything. It gets really awkward and Chrissy just smiles. Yes, my friends, it has come to this. I miss Cami.
• What the hell? Chase goes to meet Kylie’s family. Her mother looks exactly like her. This is just like Jessica and her mom from Laguna Beach. Now that was a show!
• Does Chase know that Kylie is the guy in the relationship? It’s like she wants no part of this.
• Woo-hoo! Chrissy and Sasha are trashed at the lamo party. Sasha must realize it’s her time to shine and has a few lines to say. She constantly is fixing her hair while talking. Good way to be camera ready, Sasha.
• Are there 6 sets of commercials in this episode?
• The show ends with Chrissy telling her pervy dad that she still has feelings for Clay and for Brody Jr. Jenner. What’s a girl (who’s gained a few pounds in her first semester of college) to do?
• I’m sure the producers are hoping that Chrissy drops out of college, moves back home, decides to go to fashion school, and then moves to LA. They can then call her new show something like “The Hillsport Harbor Beach.”

Only 1 more crapisode left! I’m almost free!

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Newport Harbor: Scripted Thanksgiving

It’s time for another episode of Douche Bag Creek. I don’t know what my problem is, but I’m still having a hard time remembering everyones name and figuring out which one is Clay and which one is Chase. Regardless, here’s how this episode, “Caught in the Act” when down:

Like a recovering meth addict, I can’t quit cold turkey. The Hills may not even be cold in the scripted grave, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t catch up with the crew of Douche Bag Creek. Apparently it’s the holidays and the sick son-of-a-bitches are back home visiting the creek. For me this is the ghetto version on The Hills, if that’s even possible. I’ve asked Santa to have Cami from Laguna Beach make a guest appearance. Let’s see if Santa is real. Here’s how this episode, “Are We or Aren’t We…..Douche Bags” went down:

• Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are having a romantic sunset conversation at the beach about what will happen with Clay and Chrissy once Chrissy carts her ass to college. Interesting how these questions are always brought up at the most interesting times.
• Chrissy and Sasha play their last tennis game together before Chrissy is shipped off to Iraq to fight this crazy war. Oh wait, she’s just going to college. Sorry I get confused. The way everyone is acting you would think Chrissy was heading off to war.
• Hey Allie, you know what I’m sick of? You and Samantha talking about Europe. Go already, will ya. If you want to get away from all the Newport drama then just stop reading the script. It’s just that easy.
• Chase is moving into his own big-boy apartment because he’s not going to college. He’s going to work the glamorous life of real estate instead. My favorite part is how he tells his girlfriend how he’s not going to college so he can stay and be with her. Awesome. That sounds like a great decision. I’m totally sure that will work out for ya.
• Hey Sasha, even though you keep “saying” that you’re crying when you’re at Chrissy’s mansion I don’t see any tears. You can keep making that ugly “cry face” but without tears you just look like Rocky Dennis from “Mask.”
• Nice “collage” that you made Sasha, Chrissy. Why not just make her a “mix” tape too.
• Clay and Chrissy are taking a boat ride around Douche Bag Creek and Clay actually says “out loud” and in front of a camera crew AND America (and maybe even Canada) that he’s carved a heart and their initials into the pier at Douche Bag Creek. Haha awesome. This kid will stop at nothing to make Chrissy not a virgin. Brilliant and admirable. He should stick with that reasoning when he gets tooled on by all of his friends once they see this crapisode.
• Ok so Allie’s parents are starting to freak me the F out. They’re crying and telling Allie that they’re really nervous about her going to Europe…like REALLY nervous. Now they’re making me nervous. What the hell happens over in Europe. Is Allie going to get gang-banged at Customs or something? Best wishes Allie. Best wishes Samantha. It was great knowing you two crazy animals.
• Seriously, I’m putting Chrissy’s dad on suicide watch. Her parents look like they’re going to kill themselves. Wait, even Chrissy looks freaked out. No joke, she looks like she’s going to the electric chair. It’s just college. It’s fun. I promise. I mean it’s sad that Chrissy’s parents are going to experience a murder suicide, but college will still be fun.
• Chrissy is driving her own ass to college when he dad calls and the camera gets the perfect shot of the word “dad” on her cell phone. And then…da da duuuun…..Chrissy doesn’t answer the phone.
• Isn’t this the same way that Lauren Conrad basically got her “The Hills” show? Maybe Chrissy will get her own show, “The Valley.” Quick, she better bleach the hell out of her teeth if she wants her own show.
• The end! Season finale. This is it kids. Will there be another season? Will people associated with this show continue to send me anonymous messages about what a loser I am (yes I can track where the messages come from you tools).
• Good luck with the “Freshman 15″ everyone!
• Go Go Lucky!