More Mindless Stories on ‘newport harbor’

A Very Newport Harbor Christmas

Ho ho holy crap Allie’s parents new house is completely insane. The entire episode of Douche Bag Creek should have just been about their house. I would have been fine with that. Anyway, it’s Christmas time for the kids of Douche Bag Creek and that can only mean one thing; let’s decorate the piss out of some boats that are in the creek! In this very special Christmas episode of Douche Bag Creek, here’s what went down:

• Chrissy and Sasha are playing about 14 seconds of tennis, just officially enough time for Sasha to ask Chrissy about her and Clay 35 times. How come Sasha isn’t asking Chrissy about her newest love interest, Freshman 15?
• So can Steve Sanders Jr (aka Grant) have one conversation without smiling? Also, nothing says “let’s have some male bonding on the boat” quite like chatting like school girls about his friends relationship status. Does Steve Sanders Jr know that his role in this mini season is to strictly ask questions to Clay about Chrissy?
• And cue Allie’s parents new house. It’s actually more like a compound.
• Seriously, this compound is completely insane. What in the hell does Allie’s parents do for a living? This, my friends, officially makes Allie hotter to me. The fact that her parents are this loaded and that one day I could inherit that house makes Allie kinda like a supermodel. See how that works?
• As a sidenote, this is the most airtime that Allie and Samantha have had all mini-season. Typically they’re sitting down having coffee for 35 seconds. Bonus points though for Samantha continuing her war on dressing up for the camera and strictly wearing sweat pants.
• Ahhh here we are. Allie and Samantha are sitting down and I think they’re trying to plan a party at Allie’s new compound. They’re using the word “like” a million times and they’re saying something about a 1920’s theme, gangsters, flappers, and scarves (??). They could have been discussing global warming though. There’s no way for me to decode.
• Chrissy calls Brody Jr Jenner (aka Billy) to give him the big diss and blow of their plans for the weekend so that she can take care of some business at “the creek.” At least she had the decency to do this over the phone and not via email.
• As Sasha is walking her dog with Chrissy I think of one thing: I can totally see her cameltoe. Thank you, Douche Bag Creek, for incorporating one of my favorite things into your show. It’s almost like you read IBBB and act accordingly.
• What in the hell are these two talking about? I’m officially embarrassed. Chrissy and Sasha are talking about the big party at Allie’s house and how Clay will be there and they’re equating it to Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh). Chrissy ends the retarded conversation by saying, “I hope the slipper fits.” Gross. I hope the bullets fit into the gun and you make some real decisions.
• Now is Chrissy’s house really decorated for Christmas or did they just photoshop in some lights. Also, isn’t Chrissy Jewish? Not that one of her parents can’t be not Jewish or not that Jewish people can’t also celebrate Christmas, so please delete your hate mail. Just an observation.
• Does Chrissy know that she’s wearing Cheri Johnson’s headband from Punky Brewster? Just checking.
• Everyone is dressed as best as they can be for the 1920’s theme. One kid has a t-shirt on that says something about “Property of the Hong Kong” (??) whilst another character from the creek is wearing martini sunglasses because all this makes sense.
• In a matter of minutes, Chrissy seems trashed (hot) and needs to talk with Clay. They drag that crap out for like 5 minutes and then she awkwardly goes up to Clay to say, “wanna talk” while he is talking with Taylor. It’s so awkward that Taylor actually laughs into her cup. Rewind it.
• Can Chrissy breathe with that thing so tight around her head?
• Wait, where did it go? She was just wearing it. Tricky editing!
• Clay basically gives Chrissy the shaft. She sits on a bench by herself to reflect. Tough times in Douche Bag Creek.
• Did anyone spot Allie’s dad in the background drinking out of a red keg cup? It’s like “Where’s Waldo” DBC edition. I hope he likes spending time in jail.
• Steve Sanders Jr listens to the writers and producers advice and tells Clay to give Chrissy another shot. God bless us everyone.
• Allie tells Sam that she got a job. She then says, “so much can change in a year.” A job. Crazy, huh? They’re making it seem like Allie has enrolled in the army and is shipping off to Iraq. Well, at least she’s working. Someone needs to pay for that house.
• Kylie and Chase are at the beach and she basically makes him look like a douche for coming to Santa Barbara. I think she kinda breaks up with him. Hopefully he can get his deposit back on his new Santa Barbara apartment….and his dignity.
• Chrissy heads down to Clay’s beach house so she can decorate the piss out his boat.
• Oh God. Chrissy gives Clay a gift, which is a sweatshirt that says USC on it, as she is already transferring schools (similar to what Lauren did on Laguna Beach right before she got her own show, The Hills). What about her sorority? Well that was a waste.
• Ok. So. Here is my FAVORITE scene of the entire mini-season. Did Chrissy just PLUG IN Clay’s boat from the dock? Yup, she did. She literally plugs in his boat and it is lit up with all Christmas lights. Meanwhile, the boat is about 50 feet from the dock. Does she have a 50 foot extension cord?
• Clearly, Chrissy decorating his boat is enough for these two to get back together. They take spin around Douche Bag Creek and kiss under the mistletoe and end scene.
• Well, they definitely set this episode up to have another season. Let’s see if they will rot our brains again someday.

4 episodes came and gone so quickly. I feel like I am a better human being for watching and by “better human being” I really mean “a worthless loser.” If there’s another season I will try to recap the crap out of it.

Wanna Be MYSPACE Friends With the Retard Behind These Douche Bag Creek Recaps? Wanna Send IBBB Some Hate Mail? Well, Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends with IBBB!

A Very Newport Harbor Christmas

Newport Harbor: Scripted Thanksgiving

Gobble Gobble! It’s time to give thanks during the Thanksgiving episode of Douche Bag Creek. Is is just me or does Chrissy seem to come home every 4 days? Anyway, here’s how this episode, It’s O-V-E….but not R, goes down:

• Ah sorority sluts. How I’ve missed them. The sorority sisters a telling Chrissy how much they’ll miss her and her family when she goes home for Thanksgiving. Yeah, more like they’ll miss her party mansion. Although, I’m sure the girls are relieved they won’t have to run into Chrissy’s dad who is probably already sketching out his plan to drug them and then diddle the hell out of them. Pervert.
• Steve Sanders Jr. is a tool, but then he calls Chrissy’s “boyfriend” Billy a “douche” and then suddenly I gain a little respect for him. This is Douche Bag Creek after all so it is fitting. As a side note, why does Clay always look high? Is he going to be the new J-Wahl?
• Steve Sanders Jr haircut is sort of resembling Ellen DeGeneres. Just sayin’.
• Taylor and her friend are getting their make-up done in what looks like an 80’s music video montage because…..? No clue why.
• Kylie, Chrissy, Chase, and Brody Jr. Jenner are all on a double-date and talking about the party from the week before. They all sound like they are reading from cue cards when Brody Jr. Jenner says, “that was a nice surprise though, right?” (about Clay surprising Chrissy). They all awkwardly laugh….but more like because he wasn’t reading the cue cards, he was just ad-libbing. Perhaps this was like the Blooper reel for them?
• Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are having the lamest BBQ ever. Taylor shows up in what I can only assume is aluminum foil. Oh wait, maybe they’re going to toss her onto the grill and cook her up?
• Taylor peels off her tin foil and hops into the hot tub. Whoa. How the hell old is she? 18? Please? She is way hotter than Chrissy. Thanks for packing on the Freshman 15, Chrissy, in the first 2 months. Can’t wait to see you rolling onto the scene in May.
• YES! It’s time for a pointless segment with Allie and Samantha! This is great! It looks like they’re at the same apartment complex that Daniel and his mother moved into in Karate Kid Part One. I know, for sure, that Mr. Miagi is around there somewhere.
• These two are so pointless. No joke, Allie just said the word “like” around 56 times. I’m not lying. Rewind it and count it. If they edited out all the times Allie said “like” her conversation would have gone something like this: “Hey Sam.” The end.
• Even better! It’s time for a scripted Thanksgiving dinner at Chrissy’s house. There is basically no other family members there except the token grandma and then Chrissy’s DB friends. Chrissy’s dad better keep that turkey in front of his pants because I think he’s ready to diddle.
• Oh Christ. They’re going around the table saying what they are thankful for. My turn. I’m thankful that I haven’t gone into cardiac arrest and lapse into a coma from watching this show. I’m the worst.
• Oh Christ Part II. Chrissy’s pervy dad is asking Chase and Kylie is they’re together….you know, because it’s his business? Chrissy’s mom calls them “tweeners” and it’s at this moment where I decide I officially hate me and my life.
• Sasha is shoveling in her food. Down girl!
• Here’s where the secondhand embarrassment comes in. Chrissy says that with her and Clay it’s O-V-E….but the “R” isn’t there yet. Retard. No joke, no one says anything. It gets really awkward and Chrissy just smiles. Yes, my friends, it has come to this. I miss Cami.
• What the hell? Chase goes to meet Kylie’s family. Her mother looks exactly like her. This is just like Jessica and her mom from Laguna Beach. Now that was a show!
• Does Chase know that Kylie is the guy in the relationship? It’s like she wants no part of this.
• Woo-hoo! Chrissy and Sasha are trashed at the lamo party. Sasha must realize it’s her time to shine and has a few lines to say. She constantly is fixing her hair while talking. Good way to be camera ready, Sasha.
• Are there 6 sets of commercials in this episode?
• The show ends with Chrissy telling her pervy dad that she still has feelings for Clay and for Brody Jr. Jenner. What’s a girl (who’s gained a few pounds in her first semester of college) to do?
• I’m sure the producers are hoping that Chrissy drops out of college, moves back home, decides to go to fashion school, and then moves to LA. They can then call her new show something like “The Hillsport Harbor Beach.”

Only 1 more crapisode left! I’m almost free!

Wanna Become MYSPACE Friends With the Douche-Bag Creek Recapper? Click Here to Become MYSPACE Friends with IBBB, the Gift that Keeps on Giving!

Newport Harbor: Scripted Thanksgiving

Newport Harbor Recap: Chrissy and Clay Break Up. Also, No One Watches This Show, But Me.

It’s time for another episode of Douche Bag Creek. I don’t know what my problem is, but I’m still having a hard time remembering everyones name and figuring out which one is Clay and which one is Chase. Regardless, here’s how this episode, “Caught in the Act” when down:

• Was Sasha always in the opening credits? I think in two seasons she’s had about 3 lines. Sasha is like “Judy” the little sister from “Family Matters.” It’s only a matter of time before she runs up the stairs and we never see her again.
• It’s good to see that 265 years after I graduated college the “kids” are still playing Hackey Sack on the Quad.
• Chrissy and her sad excuse for sorority sisters seem embarrassed as they talk about the status between Clay and Chrissy. I, too, am embarrassed for them….and myself at this point.
• Wait a minute. Chrissy is a first semester freshman, right? Technically these are episodes that were taped in October/November because she hasn’t been home for Thanksgiving yet, right? How in the hell is she already in a sorority? Don’t you have to pledge for like the entire semester before you officially get in to the sorority? How is she already in it in like 2 months? Something smells fishy and I’m not just talking about Samantha.
• Speaking of Samantha, this conversation between her and Chase on the pier is probably the most pointless conversation to take place in the 2 seasons.
• Remember Chase’s mom from last season? Didn’t she look like she was in porn? Those were the good old days.
• Why is Samantha asking Chase like 50 questions? Can her sunglasses cover more of her face please? Thanks.
• Sweet, here comes Brody Jr. Jenner. The conversation between him and Chrissy seems like they had to rehearse it about 10 times. I bet they did. Before every sentence they said, “um” and their voices went up at the end. I hate me.
• Why the hell is Chase planning on moving to Santa Barbara? This is stupid. He looks like a tool on national television and in front of the 4 people who actually watch this show.
• Awesome, we get to see Chrissy in her 200 sq foot dorm room. Compared to the mansion she grew up in do you think the dorm is like prison for Chrissy? Don’t drop the soap. Oh wait, drop the soap.
• Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are driving to Santa Barbara in what appears to be the same car that the bad guys in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” drove in. Bonus points if you remember that.
• Chrissy is trashed at the party. Thank God. Maybe this will get interesting. She can’t really stand up and she is slurring the piss out of her words. This makes her more hot.
• For some reason MTV is playing the entire “Gimme More” song by Britney Spears. They did the same thing on an episode of The Hills. Do they get money for that or something?
• What’s with the kid in the background dancing with a bottle of champagne? What college kid can afford and/or drink champagne? Me and my friends thought we were classy if we were drinking Coors Light, but we could never even afford it in the bottle. Only the can.
• Chrissy sloppily makes out with Brody Jr Jenner at the exact moment that Clay shows up.
  Clay stays to watch that mess and then immediately leaves. Steve Sanders Jr immediately scriptedly asks him what the deal is and Clay says he guesses he’s over it. That was quick. I guess the walk from the party to the front of the party house really gave him time to think things through and move on.
• The next morning we find out that Steve Sanders Jr and Clay slept in Clay’s car overlooking “Makeout Point.” That’s romantic.
• Allie and Samantha get about 14 seconds of air time. They are riveting. Allie made things more interesting by wearing an army hat. Sam made things more interesting by holding a pink cell phone.
• Clay and Chrissy meet at the beach and end their pitiful relationship. Clay peaces out and Chrissy’s hair blows in the wind. The end. This sucks. I suck.

  Newpot Harbor Recap: The Break Up

Newport Harbor/Douche Bag Creek is Back! Holiday Episodes! Ho-Ho-Hum?

Like a recovering meth addict, I can’t quit cold turkey. The Hills may not even be cold in the scripted grave, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t catch up with the crew of Douche Bag Creek. Apparently it’s the holidays and the sick son-of-a-bitches are back home visiting the creek. For me this is the ghetto version on The Hills, if that’s even possible. I’ve asked Santa to have Cami from Laguna Beach make a guest appearance. Let’s see if Santa is real. Here’s how this episode, “Are We or Aren’t We…..Douche Bags” went down:

• Why is Chrissy talking to her new college friends/sorority sisters like they know nothing about her life. She’s telling them for the first time who her friend Sasha is? Is she recapping them?
• Who’s this Billy kid? This should be good.
• Wait a minute. Isn’t Chrissy and her family obsessed with each other? Why are they asking her to tell them about college once she’s home. Has she not talked to them since she left? Doubtful. P. S Chrissy’s dad kinda looks like a diddler.
• Clay is cooking dinner for Chrissy. I’m embarrassed for him.
• Wait, why is Clay asking Chrissy how college is!? Has she talked to no one since she left? This is pissing me off.
• Uh-oh. The awkward “where do we stand conversation.” That must be worse with a camera crew around you. I don’t believe for a second that Clay isn’t banging his way through Newport Habor…er…Douche a Creek….while Chrissy is away at college taking Intro to Keg Stands 101.
• Do these guys use the same lighting as The Hills?
• Oh Christ. Allie and Sam are back in full effect. Where did Allie’s bangs go? Maybe she left them in Europe. These two are the worst. You know these two are the type that leave for college and pretend they are all over high-school, but in actuality they haven’t changes a bit. I predict porn careers for the both of them.
• No joke, I said it last season and I’ll say it again. Grant is totally Steve Sanders Jr. I’m just waiting for Heidi to pop out of the house (chin and boobs first).
• Chrissy’s sorority friends arrive at her house. I’d watch your crap Chrissy because these two skanks are going to rob you blind. I know I would. Anything that isn’t nailed now would be going down my pants and I’d be running out the front door.
• Chrissy takes them on a tour of where Clay lives, where Clay works, and where Clay’s mom owns a store. All riveting.
• The sorority skanks keep talking about a surprise for Chrissy’s party. I DOUBT the surprise is that kid Billy. No way. Oh wait, I checked the script. It is.
• Sidenote, I love Chrissy’s house. No I mean I’m in love with it. I want to have “the sex” with it.
• So let me get something straight. Chase goes out with Chrissy’s sorority friend that she set him up with, but her friends haven’t met her best friend Sasha yet? Ohhhh I’d be pissed.
• STOP THE PRESS. STOP I SAID STOP! So Billy shows up. I’m not kidding. Wait, I couldn’t care less about that, but Billy seriously looks like a mini Brody Jenner. Look, I don’t want to nickname everyone, but this kid for sure is now called Brody Jr Jenner.
• Am I 150 yrs old? Brody Jr Jenner is wearing his hood in the house.
• Actually, it must be a magic hood because it’s on in one scene then off in the next and then on again…and then off….then on….then off.
• Brody Jr Jenner is good with reading the script and they make out and Steve Sanders Jr sees is and like a little school girl called Clay on his cell phone. Oh the scripted drama.
• Gross. Why would Chrissy’s dad ask her if she kissed Brody Jr Jenner yet? What dad asks that. He’s like, “Chrissy, sweetie, did he feel up your boobies and are you on your period?” Pervert. Go diddle the dog.

Was this crapisode like 10 minutes long with 20 minutes of commercials? Either way…see you next week.

Newport Harbor: Off to College and Stuff

Ah yes, this season of “Douche Bag Creek” has come to and end. Will there be another season? Will MTV just move down the street to another beach? And what the hell ever happened to Cami? These are all questions that are discussed by the great philosophers. Here’s how this crapisode, “Nothing’s Going to Be the Same” went down:

• Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are having a romantic sunset conversation at the beach about what will happen with Clay and Chrissy once Chrissy carts her ass to college. Interesting how these questions are always brought up at the most interesting times.
• Chrissy and Sasha play their last tennis game together before Chrissy is shipped off to Iraq to fight this crazy war. Oh wait, she’s just going to college. Sorry I get confused. The way everyone is acting you would think Chrissy was heading off to war.
• Hey Allie, you know what I’m sick of? You and Samantha talking about Europe. Go already, will ya. If you want to get away from all the Newport drama then just stop reading the script. It’s just that easy.
• Chase is moving into his own big-boy apartment because he’s not going to college. He’s going to work the glamorous life of real estate instead. My favorite part is how he tells his girlfriend how he’s not going to college so he can stay and be with her. Awesome. That sounds like a great decision. I’m totally sure that will work out for ya.
• Hey Sasha, even though you keep “saying” that you’re crying when you’re at Chrissy’s mansion I don’t see any tears. You can keep making that ugly “cry face” but without tears you just look like Rocky Dennis from “Mask.”
• Nice “collage” that you made Sasha, Chrissy. Why not just make her a “mix” tape too.
• Clay and Chrissy are taking a boat ride around Douche Bag Creek and Clay actually says “out loud” and in front of a camera crew AND America (and maybe even Canada) that he’s carved a heart and their initials into the pier at Douche Bag Creek. Haha awesome. This kid will stop at nothing to make Chrissy not a virgin. Brilliant and admirable. He should stick with that reasoning when he gets tooled on by all of his friends once they see this crapisode.
• Ok so Allie’s parents are starting to freak me the F out. They’re crying and telling Allie that they’re really nervous about her going to Europe…like REALLY nervous. Now they’re making me nervous. What the hell happens over in Europe. Is Allie going to get gang-banged at Customs or something? Best wishes Allie. Best wishes Samantha. It was great knowing you two crazy animals.
• Seriously, I’m putting Chrissy’s dad on suicide watch. Her parents look like they’re going to kill themselves. Wait, even Chrissy looks freaked out. No joke, she looks like she’s going to the electric chair. It’s just college. It’s fun. I promise. I mean it’s sad that Chrissy’s parents are going to experience a murder suicide, but college will still be fun.
• Chrissy is driving her own ass to college when he dad calls and the camera gets the perfect shot of the word “dad” on her cell phone. And then…da da duuuun…..Chrissy doesn’t answer the phone.
• Isn’t this the same way that Lauren Conrad basically got her “The Hills” show? Maybe Chrissy will get her own show, “The Valley.” Quick, she better bleach the hell out of her teeth if she wants her own show.
• The end! Season finale. This is it kids. Will there be another season? Will people associated with this show continue to send me anonymous messages about what a loser I am (yes I can track where the messages come from you tools).
• Good luck with the “Freshman 15″ everyone!
• Go Go Lucky!

Newport Harbor: Off to College and Stuff
Newport Harbor Recap

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation

Alright alright, it’s graduation day for the troops of Douche Bag Creek. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to figure out who was who and, while I still don’t really know, the season is almost over. Here’s how this episode, “You are Not Replaceable,” went down:

• How the hell rich is Chrissy’s family? Her house it like a resort. Why would she leave there to go to college and live in a 2×4 concrete dorm room?
• It’s officially, Samantha is retarded. Listening to her try to tell her friends the “saying” that her dad always says is painful. I mean, not because she really doesn’t know, but because you know the producers cast her as the “retarded Heidi” character who seems to say stupid things in every episode. You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. Really? Don’t bees make honey? I’m confused. Thank God there is only one crapisode left.
• What’s wrong with Steve Sanders Jr’s voice? Why does he talk like that? Does a voice like that eventually go away? Like, when it’s time to interview for a job and stuff does his voice stay like that?
• Allie is still fighting with her dad about her busted trip to Europe. Again, why would she want to leave the mansion that she lives in? What’s her dad all nervous about? It’s not like it’s just her and her friends. It’s her, her friends, and the entire camera crew that follows them around.
• Clay takes Chrissy to “Joe’s Crab Shack.” Awesome. I’m not sure I’d take a girl to any place that has “Crabs” in it. That’s something she gets to figure out on her own 2 week later. Oh! Stop me if you heard this.
• Question and answer time: Clay is a year younger than Chrissy. Chrissy is graduating and going to college. Clay promises to visit her in college all the time. Isn’t this the same exact scenario as Laguna Beach’s Steven and Kristin? Steven was the one going to college and Kristin was going to visit all the time. Yeah, that worked out well.
• Chrissy and her dad play a nice round of golf, at her house, and chat about her 1:30 AM curfew. Her dad wants her to keep her curfew. It’s not like she’s out having sex. This we know. Again, if I were her I would never leave the mansion that I lived in. I’d actually want a curfew of like 8:00 PM. I’d just tell my friends, sorry I have a curfew, I need to go back to my mansion.
• AWESOME! Allie and Samantha are having the “Obligatory Laguna Beach Season 1, 2, and 3 Return to The Hills 1 and 2 Featuring the Cast of Douche Bag Creek” Beach Bonfire!
• Allie superficially tells Chase not to bring his douche-bag girlfriend, to which the producers must have specifically told Chase to bring his douche-bag girlfriend…so he does.
• The whole crew shows up at the bonfire and as time passes everyone starts acting a bit different. While I didn’t spot any of the famous “red keg cups” suspect the kids are drunk. Good for them. I’d drink all the live-long day if I had to shoot this crap all day too.
• This bonfire is very reminiscent of Jessica and “what’s his face” breaking up at the bonfire during Laguna Beach. Those were the days. I miss Cami.
• Great, now it’s time for the obligatory “show the spoiled brats getting their gifts right before graduation.” The best part of this is seeing the parents. A creepy one always sneaks in there.
• Well, this time is no different. Now, is Chase’s mom actually in porn? Just checking.
• Funny how Clay gives Chrissy a “lay” for graduation. Yes, I’m 10.
• Allie finally gets to her trip to Europe. Just another reason for the Europeans to hate us Americans
• Why do I care to see these baby pictures? There’s been like 4 episodes (luckily) of Douche Bag Creek. I barely like the grown up version of these people, why would I want to see their jacked up baby pictures?

Next week: Season Finale. No joke, I can barely do one more episode.

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation
Newport Harbor Recap

Newport Harbor: "Chrissy the Virgin"

Surprisingly they haven’t pulled the plug on Newport Harbor…er…I’m sorry I meant “Douche-Bag Creek.” On this very special crapisode of Douche Bag Creek, Chrissy alerts the world and lets them know that her “gentlemen greeter” has yet to “greet any gentlemen.” Did she at least shake a gentleman’s hand or anything? To crack my 10 year old joke, Chrissy is a big virgin. Way to be a role model to all the whores out there. Here’s how this episode, The “V” Word, went down:

• Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are on the beach in jeans and what I can only assume are Nicole Richie’s sunglasses.
• Chrissy is all nervous because she’s a virgin and tells Sasha that she’s proud of herself for remaining virgin alllllll throughout high school. Wow, what an accomplishment. You weren’t a 2 dollar whore in high school. Move other Mother Theresa, we have a new saint in line! Chrissy, do you at least let boys touch your boobies? It’s one thing being a virgin, it’s another thing being a tease.
• As a side note, my prediction is that Chrissy will be slutting it up like it’s her last day on earth once she enters college. Good luck with your 2.0 GPA and morning after pill. Cheers!
• Now are Allie and Samantha considered legally retarded? They have a legit conversation on whether or not Italy is a country. They settle on the fact that Italy is a state, just like a state here in the good old USA. Good job girls! Thank God your parents have money.
• Taylor and Chase talk on the pier about how he dicked her over at the Prom. I couldn’t care less about this, but it makes me really miss the old Laguna Beach with Kirstin and Steven. Granted they, too, were douche bags but it was may more entertaining. I also miss Cami very badly. I miss you Cami. I love you. Come back to TV. Come back.
• Back to Samantha and Allie. These two are now trying to figure out what French food is like and Allie seems to think that French food is “animals.” Mmmm sounds appetizing. French restaurants must be great. You open the menu and it just says “animals.” They then try to figure out what caviar is called, but not before calling it “caaaaar.” Sound it out stupid. You better hope you get pregnant SOON by some rich guy. Immediately get your kid a tutor, stat.
• Chrissy goes shopping for underwear for her big date. You know what Chrissy, if you aren’t going to give up the goods, don’t even bother trying to dress up your “gentlemen greeter.” It’s kind of like putting a plastic bag over a Christmas Tree. It’s pointless…and dangerous. It could catch fire.
• You know what, good for Chrissy being comfortable saying she’s virgin over and over and over and over and over again, but it’s actually making me a little uncomfortable. Whatever happened to the days of being embarrassed and ashamed over that? She should at least lie about it and tell people she lost her virgintity from her dad or something.
• Chase and Taylor are back together. Who gives an F? Apparently not Chrissy since she technically doesn’t give an F.
• Allie fights with her parents about her trip to France. She says she’s an adult and should be treated like one. Oh, and her dad paid for her entire trip. Yup, that’s an adult. It is very supportive when Allie’s dad says she’s only 17 and doesn’t even have a clue. You ever wonder why your daughter is on the therapy couch? Yeah, statements like that.
• Chrissy the big V and Clay are on their date in the hot tub and she tells him that she’s a virgin. So now he knows, I know, and the other 14 people who watch this show. Clay says, “good job!” Yeah, she didn’t kick a field goal. Fine, good job on not being a slut.

Newport Harbor: “Chrissy the Virgin”
Newport Harbor Recap

Newport Harbor: The Prom. Yeah!

It’s another craptastic episode of “Newport Harbor: Laguna Beach 4 – Return to The Hills 3.” This is a very special episode because not only do we get to fully experience 3 generations of Steve Sanders (Steve Sanders Jr., Steve Sanders, and Steve Sanders), but it’s also the Prom episode where everyone will sneak attack their perspective dates like kamikaze pilots and ask them to “Prom.” Why they don’t put “the” before “prom” is beyond me. Anyway, here’s how this crap went down:

• Steve Sanders Jr and Allie exchange “guess who will go to the prom with who” games. I secretly hope a tsunami appears out of nowhere and puts these two out of their misery.
• Prom Attack # 1 – Steve Sanders Jr. asks Sasha to go to the prom by making a ghetto poster that says, “Prom with G.” Sasha is shocked by this (as if she didn’t season any of the Laguna Beach episodes) and asks if he really thought of this himself. Really, was she impressed by this? Yes, he spent all day thinking up the most creative plan of standing out of his sunroof and holding up a poster. Pure brilliance. I now wish the tsunami would come after me.
• Prom Attack # 2 – Allie is at dinner with her douche bag dad and Chase sneak attacks her with a red carnation ans asks her to “Prom.” She looks so shocked. Maybe she didn’t get a copy of the script?
• Prom Attack # 3 – Clay and Chrissy go out on the boat into Newport Harbor. There’s a big banner hanging off the bridge that says “Chrissy, Prom?” I now wish that the bridge would collapse on them. I mean it happened in Minnesota, so I figured there was a chance?
• As a side note, I would like to change the name of this show from Newport Harbor to “Douche Bag Creek.” Who’s with me?
• Allie wins the award for asking Chase literally 2,000 questions. No joke she was like The Riddler. She’s the worst. This show is the worst. This makes me the worst. “Douche Bag Creek” – 1, IBBB – 0.
• So what’s up with Chrissy’s mom? Is she like a crazy MILF? She seems more crazy than MILF-y.
• Is Allie wearing her bathrobe to the prom? I’m confused.
• Alright! Here’s the seasons first, “Can you believe this is our last prom” comment. I feel like we’re only minutes away from a drunken limo ride home that ends in tears.
• I’m shocked that Steve Sanders Jr isn’t wearing a top hat and sporting a cane. I would have bet my entire bank account ($13.75) that he was going to be “that kid.”
• Scratch my previous comment. Allie is wearing the silky bathrobe that Peg Bundy used to wear in “Married with Children.”
• Awesome! And cue the limo scene where everyone just screams “woooo!” Wooooo! Owww! Yeah! Prom!
• Seriously I love this shit. And cue the scene (that they used in Laguna Beach) where they use actual ghetto video camera footage. They did the SAME thing in the 90210 prom where Brenda really “got down.” I believe moments after that Brenda became a woman.
• Everyone just continues to yell “Woooo!” and “Owwwww!”
• Even better. The after-party. People aren’t drinking out of keg cups, but “office coffee cups” instead.
• At one point Steve Sanders Jr is on a exercise bike and falls off. I love underage drinking.
• Ok, it’s official. I lapsed into another coma. Feel free to fill me in and share you favorite moments of the last 5 minutes of the episode.

  Newport Harbor: The Prom. Yeah!

Newport Harbor: The Lame BBQ

It’s amazing how horrific this season is and I don’t mean horrific like, “it’s actually pretty good and a train wreck and I need to see it.” I actually mean horrific. This crew of crackheads are so boring. Who found these people? Maybe they should have tried another beach. Is there a beach in Compton? Anyway, here’s how the episode, “Sealed with a Kiss” went down:

• Chrissy runs like a retard. Seriously during the high-pitched conversation between Chrissy and Sasha I feel like only dogs can hear them at this point.
• How can a camera crew fit on the boat when Clay is wakeboarding?
• Why does Allie’s brother care about what goes on with Clay and Chrissy? He actually looks interested and not just because the script told him.
• How come every time one of the girls calls a guy they sit on their bed lying on their stomach with their legs bent in the air and their feet crossed? No joke, it’s like that in every crapisode. Who does that?
• Sweet, Clay and Allie go on a “date” at apparently the only place to go in Newport Harbor: Miniature Golf. I know Newport Harbor is supposed to be really nice, but I’m not impressed. It doesn’t look like a beach town at all like in Laguna Beach.
• It’s now time for my obligatory “I miss Cami” statement. I miss Cami.
• When we make it to the first commercial break, I pray that there are only 5 minutes left of the show. I tear up a bit when I realize there are at least 20 minutes left.
• What the hell is up with the “Hamtpon High Revealed” commercials? Why do I need to vote for what happens next? I’m confused. What are they selling?
• Awesome! Hot Allie and hot Samantha laying out on a boat. That was sarcasm. I may have lapsed into a coma.
• Ok let’s cue the BBQ. They all give each other awkward hugs when they arrive. Chrissy’s parents aren’t home for the night which means she can really whore it up.
• Seriously Grant really is Steve Sanders Jr (aka Spencer Pratt). I’m convinced there is some time of relation there.
• Realizing how bored I am during the conversation between Clay and Chrissy, do you think they’re bored even talking about out? You are no LC and Jason, my friends. Not at all.
• Damn the mini golf again! Why does Chrissy have this in her backyard?
• Clay and Chrissy go on a dumb dinner date and end the night with a kiss that I’d bet my bank account that the MTV crew made them do. They probably took 6 takes of it too. Perverts.

I’m not kidding, this episode was painful. This season is painful. Although they hooked me for next week because now I need to see how these tools ask their dates to the prom. That’s always a big f’n production.

Newport Harbor: The Lame BBQ

Newport Harbor: The Bikes

Ah Laguna Beach, I mean Newport Harbor. What a great show. After watching the latest episode I’ve realized that the most interesting thing of the episode was the bikes that Chrissy and crew seem to ride throughout the episode, but we’ll get to that in a few. Here’s how this crapisode of Newport Harbor went down:

• The episode kicks off with Chase and Taylor breaking up. I think it had something to do with the police because they kept saying, “No you’re a cop” to each other. Weird.
• Enter “the bikes.” What the F is up with the bikes that Chrissy and Sasha are on? First off I think they got these bikes off the set of The Brady Bunch. Second, do they even know how to ride these things? No joke they’re swerving the whole time while riding them. Third, why do they have squeaky toys on them? And 4th, how are they filming this scene? Is the camera crew on a truck or are they just walking and filming it because Chrissy and Sasha are peddling at 1 mile per hour? I have a feeling we’ll see these bikes again.
• Clay and his random ass friend “Austin” go for a slice of pizza. Austin kind of has the “Gotti Boys” hairdo but without the gel. Basically his hair is feathered all over, especially in the back. The sides of his hair looks like he was going for the Charlies Angel look. Maybe he was. To each his own.
• Is everyone on this show called either Clay or Chase? I’m confused.
• Steve Sanders Jr (Grant) is out on a scripted date with Taylor in which I believe he is wearing a black valour shirt. It could be a valour track suit. It’s hard to tell. During the dinner date, Steve Sanders Jr suggests going to the hot tub and Chase tries to call Taylor but she won’t answer. Wait, I’ve seen this whole thing before during Laguna Beach. No joke, do they think we’re stupid? This show is exactly the same as Laguna Beach, even the storylines. It’s like when “The Office” came to America. Each episode of the first season was the same as the British version of “The Office.” At least the was technically overseas. Newport Harbor is down the street from Laguna Beach. Get original!
• Oh, and by the way, we get it. Verizon and Motorola must sponsor this show. I think they showed the Verizon and Motorola phones 15 times in this episode.
• Chase goes over to Chrissy’s house and kisses her. Luckily they didn’t show it.
• In another “same exact scene from Laguna Beach,” Chrissy and Taylor “bump” into each other at a clothing store and give awkward looks at each other while they look for clothes.
• In another “same exact moment from Laguna Beach,” the guys are having a poker night and the girls crash it. Oh wait, this is completely different than the Laguna Beach episode because in the Laguna Beach episode of poker night they were drinking out of RED keg cups and in the Newport Harbor poker night episode they are drinking out of BLUE keg cups. Completely different.
• At poker night, Clay doesn’t talk to Chrissy so the next day she rides her Brady Bunch bike over to Clay’s house to have an awkward and scripted conversation. Clay is pissed at Chrissy and she sadly rides her bike away, swerving the whole time. Awesome. Wear a helmet ya freak!

I feel like I should watch Newport Harbor on life support.

Newport Harbor: The Bikes
Like Newport Harbor recaps? Check out some of The Hills Recaps over at Justin Bobby!

Newport Harbor: Pretty in Pink Sucks

Yeah so it’s only episode 2 of the very original Newport Harbor and I’m already bored. I’m not sure I can commit to recapping the whole season, so unless these retards get a little more retarded this may be my last Newport Harbor recap. We’ll see. Here’s how this one went down:

• I bet Chrissy’s dad has child pornography on his computer. Someone call Chris Hanson from Dateline and have him look into this. Thanks.
• When Steve Sanders Jr. and his buddy (whose name I don’t need to know) are at the beach and the beach ball lands on them, why is it that a Puerto Rican guy in a plaid button down shirt with black jeans on and sneakers shows up to retrieve it? Anyone else find this to be odd attire to wear ON the beach?
• Sweet 16! Samantha and Allie are planning a “Pretty in Pink” party. That’s awesome. Wait, what does that even mean. It should have been called, “Wicked in White” in honor of their white “fright-wig” hair. By the way, who still has markers at this age? Tools.
• Is Samantha the ghetto version of Cami from Laguna Beach? I mean the “ghettoer” version of Cami from Laguna Beach.
• Chrissy and the girl go for ice cream and I can honestly say I have no idea what their conversation was about. At one point they mention a pigeon. That was the most interesting part, I think.
• Allie and Chase go mini-golfing and this is when the light bulb goes off that this whole love triangle is the first major scripted moment of the season. I get it now. Nice try MTV. Tricky tricky. I thought it looked familiar. Steven-LC-Kristen. Yeah, thought so. Tricky tricky.
• Samantha and Allie have a legitimate conversation in the car about “bootylicious” being a word that was added to the dictionary. There’s a war going on in Iraq.
• So how old is Chrissy’s mom? 20? 22?
• So is Chase’s mom actually in porn?
• Yup, the “Pretty in Pink” party is really pink. Not only is everything there pink, everyone there is pink. The lighting is pink, people are pink, and their teeth have a tint of pink. Also is this party at the VFW? Isn’t Newport Beach supposed to be nice?
• Woooo! Awesome dancing everyone! It’s very reminiscent of the 90210 junior prom when Brenda really got down to that Cathy Dennis song. Google it.
• So are they going to play the entire Hillary Duff song during this scene? “The Duff” gets the opening credits and the main song during the episode? Good for her.
• Samantha and Chase kissed. Allie calls him a pig. I think the real pig is Samantha…only because she has pig-like qualities.

I officially miss the old Laguna Beach. The jokers suck. Who found these people? Are there not any better people in Newport Harbor/Beach? I miss Cami.

Newport Harbor Recap Palooza

What a treat. Newport Harbor. Or as I like to call it “Laguna Beach 4: Return to The Hills Season’s 1-3.” Let’s see how this episode crashed and burned. Here’s what went down and my thoughts:

• Wow same theme song. Really? Instead of using the Hilary Duff song I would have opted for “Smack My Bitch Up.” Actually, I would have written my own song and titled it something like, “You Rich Bitches Are Going to Burn in Hell One Day.”
• Is Chrissy hot? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. What is hot is when Chrissy and her friend are playing tennis and making sex sounds every time they hit the ball. Good for her.
• Allie. Hahaha awesome. Is her hair actually white? What’s up with her troll-like friend. No offense but if I knew I was going to be on TV I would be in the best shape of my life. She could have at least tossed a finger or two down her throat to drop a few lbs.
• Grant? He’s definitely Steve Sanders, but since we already have a Steve Sanders (Spencer from The Hills) we will have to now nickname Grant, Steve Sanders Jr. Please apply this name to your daily life.
• Steve Sanders Jr is clearly staring at Allie’s boobs. Nice work my friend, nice work.
• Why are these people all acting like they haven’t either met before or haven’t seen each other in 10 years while they’re at the restaurant? You know what that means!!! This is officially my favorite “First Scripted Moment of Newport Harbor Season One.” I hope to experience many more of these moments.
• Why is Chrissy’s dad all freaking out about a curfew? What does he think is going to happen to her? Not only is she surrounded by friends, but an ENTIRE camera crew too. What does he think is going to happen. Maybe one of the 15 production guys filming his daughter 24 hours a day and walk her home?
• Woo hoo the whole gang is going to Palm Springs for the weekend.
• Now let me ask this. Will there be any dialogue taking place or will it just be music playing and awkward eye movements and other facial expressions?
• Is Chrissy’s dad the new Joe Simpson? He calls her all the time. Nothing says, “I’m going to end up forcing my daughter into a life of stripping and/or porn” quite like not giving her any freedom.
• Overall I was majorly confused by this episode. Was there a point to it? And who the hell are all these people. And more importantly where is Cami and Jessica? This sucks.

MTV’s Newport Harbor. Really?