Since year 2 of IBBB is all about selling out, I fully support others who like to embrace the spirit of selling out, i.e. Nelly Furtado. Nelly dragged her ass to the pre-VMA party at the Mirage hotel in Vegas the other day and surprised everyone with her new blond hair and eyebrows. While many people are up in arms about this change I say “good for her” in quotes. When push comes to shove I think everyone should go blond. Hopefully the next step will be for Nelly Furtado to change her name to Nelly Smith or Nelly O’Brien. I’m looking for something extra generic. First thing starts with the blond hair and a few steps forward we can all hope to see Nelly Furtado’s “gentleman greeter” stepping out of a limo. Perhaps rehab after that? One can only hope. Life isn’t as fun when there’s not a train wreck to watch. Fingers (and eyes) crossed…but not for too long. You can go blind from that I think. I don’t know. Someone try it out and tell me what happens.
Nelly Furtado arrived last night at Mansion, a club in South Beach that “all the kids are wild about.” Nelly was performing “Man Eater,” “Time to an End,” and “Promiscuous,” but not before she performed her best Renee Zellweger impression. Yeah, no real news about Nelly, but figured I’d call it out that I thought she was mocking Renee. Ok fine, I’ll find some real Nelly news for you.
Nelly explains why her latest album is tearing up the charts. She kinda blames her daughter.
“I think I started recording this album the same month I stopped nursing my daughter. Maybe I did feel liberated. I finally went, ‘Oh my body’s finally mine again – yippee!’ You have a lot to write about, too. That’s why the album’s…like an emotional whirlwind.”
Uh, ok. So to all you moms out there that just finished breast-feeding….write an album….you’ll become famous and rich. It’s a real formula for success (pun sorta intended).
I’m gonna say it. I like Nelly Furtado. I think I may have even said it before. However, sometimes she reallly lets me down. There was that one time she had flames painted up and down her arms and now there is this. Nelly was asked to pose for Playboy and she turned it down. Oh, did I mention they offered her $500,000 to do it? Oh yeah, and did I mention they just wanted her to pose fully clothed? Yup. Not even boobs to the wind! According to Nelly, “To do it would be a vanity thing, an egotistical thing.”
Uh, so? It would also be a money thing, meaning you would get money to do this. I know, the thought is crazy. Let me tell ya, Nelly, I would take a picture of me dry-humping a dead turkey on the side of the road….naked….with a pinwheel hat on….and without teeth for like $175. Hell, I’d do it for $175 Canadian dollars. It’s just very disappointing.
Nelly Furtado has a new song out that I’m really like called, “Say it Right.” I mean I can’t really understand one word that she’s saying in it because it sounds like she’s grunting, but hey, that’s pretty hot. Anyway, after watching the video for the one-thousandth time I said to myself, “self, why does this video seem so familiar?” And then BAM! I figured it out. The video for “Say it Right” has some hint’s of the video “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child.Both videos have a little something I like to call “dance-move-freeze” in it.
Now, what is “dance-move-freeze” you ask? Great question. “Dance-move-freeze” is when you do some type of quick dance-move or motion to the beat of the song and then FREEZE! You move you hand a certain way to the beat of the song and then FREEZE. You look in the camera a certain way to the beat of the song and then FREEZE! While “Say My Name” is almost all “dance-move-freeze,” Say it Right definitely has it’s fair share of “dance move freeze” too from both Nelly Furtado and the back-up dancers. Was Nelly Furtado ever in Destiny’s Child? I’m doing the research as we speak/type.With all the “dance-move-freeze” going on I can almost hear that dance teacher chick from this seasons “Making the Band” yelling “Boom Cat, Boom Boom Cat” in the background of both videos. They should totally combine songs and videos and rename it “Say My Name Right.” Brilliant!
While this isn’t breaking news it does go to show one thing. I am a freakin’ genius. You have to wake up pretty early in the afternoon to pull one over on me, Nelly Furtado! I wonder how many other videos have “dance-move-freeze” in them? The great philosophers are pondering that right now.
I have a few things to say to you. You’re hot. You really are. You have killer eyes, a great smile, a tight little body, and can sing (kinda). You know what isn’t hot? Spray-painted flames up and down your arms. I know, I know one would think when they’re getting ready for the MTV Europe Music Awards that a simple dress just wouldn’t be enough. At what point when you standing in front of the mirror with your dress on do you say, “Somethings missing, somethings missing. I know! I need flames painted up and down my arms and that will complete the whole package!” Yeah. It actually doesn’t. It kinda makes you look like a retard. I would assume those flames would look decent on a race car or even a ceiling fan that Harriet Carter sells, but on your arms? Uh-uh.
Now, here’s what you gotta do as soon as you get home. You must pour bleach all over your arms and start scrubbing with the type of brush that you clean your grill with. Still think it was a good idea to get your arms painted, smart ass? Don’t ever make me have to yell at you like this again.