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Jersey Shore Recap: A Watermelon, Pinhole and, Apparently, Sammi’s Balls Walk Into a Bar…

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• So like a typical day in the life of Lil’ Snooki DeVito, she’ sporting a sombrero, finishing the beers in the backyard, finds out she just drank cigarettes, bends over to spit it out with her cooch hanging out the back of her skirt, goes into the house to dry hump Vinny in his twin bed, pulls her pajamas out of garbage bag, gets into bed with Vinny, hooks up, and then falls off the bed and gets stuck between the bed and the wall.  Yup, this is actually the actual formula to become an overnight success on a reality show.  Please note, you are able to substitute drinking cigarettes with eating cigarettes if you see fit.
• The next morning Snooki wakes up to find Vinny with one hand on her rack and the other hand on her Lil’ Vag.  Basically he’s giving her a free medical exam and she should be grateful.  However, she basically jumps out of his bed while yelling “Ariba! Ariba!” and runs into her own bed so that her own sheets can be basted with crab bisque as well.
• Snooki fills in Sammi that she hooked up with Vin and Sammi looks shocked.  Well, I can’t tell if she looks shocked or if she just crawled out of the gutter after getting gang-banged on Ocean Drive.  Either way, she looks beat down.  Almost like she tried to “beat the beat” but the beat won.  Snooki lets Sammi know that Vinny is pretty big in the “ding-dong-diddly-doo” area by explaining to her that it was like “trying to fit a watermelon into a pinhole.”  Perhaps Vinny is swinging with the brothers, but there is no way in holy hell that I’ll believe for one second that Snooki is like a “pinhole” downstairs.  The first piece of a Russian nesting doll, yes.  A pinhole?  No dice.
• While the “ladies” hit the beach to get the sand all greasy, Sammi SweatStains stays back at the house because I believe she has a case of the Shasta McNasty’s and needs to be by the toilet.  Grandpa Situation basically confirms to Sammi that everything in the letter was true.  This isn’t overly shocking, but what does surprise me during this conversation is that Grandpa Sitch’s accent and “swagger” seems to be missing.  He’s pronouncing all of this letters and hasn’t said “yo,” “son,” or “dog” at all.  It’s like he’s actually speaking like a 30-year old.  Odd.  Well, odd and boring.  Bring back Duncey McDroopy-Face!
• Did Angelina Trash Bags really have anything to do with “the letter?”  Not really, right?  Well Snooki and JWoww ShamWow are hell-bent on telling her that she’s to blame as much as the rest of them.  So, as her punishment (besides being from Staten Island) is to go in the house and tell Sammi to come outside so that “the ladies” can have a talk with her.  Yeah, no.  That doesn’t go over so well which can only mean one thing.  JWoww is going to start yelling and clapping in Sammi’s face.  I have to admit I really like when ShamWow does the “yell-clap.”  It keeps me alert, following along, and even makes me start to bob my head a bit.  It’s great exercise whilst sitting on my couch.
• After JWoww screams and claps at the whole house, to the point where I actually had to lower my TV so that my neighbors didn’t think there was a domestic dispute going on at my residence, Sammi makes it outside and Ronnie goes over to talk to her and tell her if she needs space he’ll give it to her and he doesn’t mean he’s going to “do me right now.”  I knew this episode was missing something.  It was the “do you” and the “do me right now” theme.  Anyway, as they’re talking I zone out as I literally see an ab-workout machine resting up against Snooki’s sombrero under a palm tree and, well, that is seriously what they should just rename this show, “Ab Machine Sombrero” because that pretty much sums up this Miami season.
• Sammi keeps saying that she’s embarrassed and looks like an idiot for all that Ronnie did to her.  In her defense, her giant oversized hoop earrings make her look more like an idiot.  Honestly, Snooki could hula-hoop in them.  Wait a second, that’s about the size I’d like to use for Snooki’s vag comparison.  Never mind the Russian nesting doll.  She’s about as “small” as Sammi SweatStain’s hoop earrings.  Ding! Ding! Ding!
• Also, why is Sammi even talking to Ronnie right now and why is he making it seem like he’s trying to help her through this situation?  Isn’t it his fault?  More importantly, why do I care?  Oh that’s right.  I’m a tool.
• Well, Vinny may have pink-eye again.  Either that or maybe Snooki sat on his face and he has eye-crabs?  It’s a toss up either way.  Nevertheless, Vinny and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta head out to the eye doctor to see what exactly is wrong.  Sleep well, America, because Vinny only has come down with a case of dry-eye and will live after all.  However, before he leaves the nurse asks him if he’s Italian and when he replies “yes” she asks him why he’s so white.  Brilliant.  They all have a hearty laugh and then I’ll just assume the doctor gave him some coupons to go and get a healthy and safe tan in the booth.  She probably told him to up his cigarette intake and to start taking steroids in order to “bulk up.”  I’m sure we’ll see that in the Season 2 DVD, soon to be released.
• We’re 30 minutes into the episode and we’re FINALLY at “da club.”  I had my club clothes on for half-an-hour just waiting and I’m just taking my glow-sticks out of the freezer now?  How rude! (shout out to Jodie Sweetin)
• After dancing with some filthy pig in a J Lo jumper for 5 minutes, Grandpa Situation brings her back home to bang the last drop of dignity out of her on national television, but not before making her sit in the bedroom by herself while he literally makes himself a plate of food and then goes to smoke a cigarette.  So basically it’ll be like she’ll be banging a garbage disposal…you know, a typical Friday night for this trash bag.
• Also, why is Grand Sitch wearing Shaggy’s outfit from Scooby Doo?  No joke, it’s the legit costume I think.  Anyway, after the 15 second bang-session the reason why he banked $5 million this year happens in 3….2….1.  He rubs her stomach for about 2 seconds and then tells her to get dressed and that he already called her a cab.  Awesome.  I’m sure he just has a button next to his bed where when he’s done he just presses it and it automatically alerts the local cab company to send out a taxi STAT.  That was easy!
• So what’s up with Snooki’s new headband/forehead-band that she’s been sporting all crapisode?  Did she steal that from Teresa Guidice or because it’s “Jersey” everyone just shares them?  As sidenote and cross-reference, Snooki kinda of looks like Teresa’s husband Joe, but with boobs.  Actually, just with bigger boobs.  And she has a little more spunk.  Other than that, same-same.
• It’s “the ladies” turn to cook dinner for the house and Snooki and JWoww head out to do some food shopping.  After Snook’s loses the shopping list JWoww takes some tomato cans off the shelf and then freaks out when she thinks the rest are going to fall off the shelf.  I believe her reaction is a sign that she may have had the bag beaten out of her in a previous relationship.  Just a guess.
• When it’s time to cook I have no idea why the girls aren’t wearing hairnets.  I mean, sure, they have enough hairspray in there to stop a charging rhino, but still some of their weave could fall out and make its way into the Vodka sauce…which was made with a gallon of the cheapest Vodka on the market.  Sidenote, it was great to see Snooki pour a ton of it onto the stove and watch everything catch on fire.  Had she been wearing her sombrero, Snooki would have been a human tiki torch.
• Sammi SweatStains didn’t really help with anything except making a salad with her hands and then she didn’t eat anything.  This is the same routine that DJ Tanner pulled when she was trying to get into “bathing suit shape” for Kathy Santone’s pool party.  Wow, two Full House references in one JS recap.  Is this technically my rock bottom?
• The “next day” while at the gelato shop that customers seem to never go to, Sammi and Angelina start to bond since they now have no one else in the house to talk to.  Angelina lets the cat out of the bag and basically lets her know that Snooki and JWoww wrote the note to Sammi.  Well, I’m sure the events to follow will go smoothly.
• Grandpa Situation’s sister is going to be hanging out with the gang tonight, which makes Vinny a little uneasy since he hooked up with her last season.  Uh, and this season he hooked up with Snooki.  So did he trade up or trade down?  All I know is that my crotch itches.
• Vinny Funny Moment of the Night:  When showing off his new “bling” to JWoww she asks him if it’s real.  He replies, “It’s like your t*ts.  It looks sick, but it’s fake.”  Bravo Vinny, bravo.  He’s giving Pauly D/Ellen Travolta a run for his money with the one-liners.  Also, it’s not normal that I’m starting to actually like some of these people.  With the exception of Sammi, Ronnie and Angelina, I’d like to grab a beer with the rest of them and then, you know, get the crap kicked out of me for teeing off on them for two seasons.  Eh, circle of life.
• While at “da club” everyone is dancing (awkwardly) and having a good time (alcohol induced).  Grandpa Situation is having so much fun that he is most likely dancing with a tranny.  No joke, he is.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but just sayin’.  The rest of the roommates are trying to say that they think it’s a tranny because  she’s wearing a collar around her neck so you can’t see the Adam’s Apple and she’s wearing gloves so you can’t see her hands.  Oh, did no one notice her balls hanging out of her skirt because, 9 times out of 10, that’s the dead giveaway.  They all end up making up a rule that says, “If you have to think about it…it is.”  The More You Know (cue the shooting star).
• Everyone else is trashed too.  Snooki is so drunk that she tells JWoww that she wants to go to the bathroom to dance and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta needs to be walked out of “da club” because, well, he can barely walk and, spoiler alert, his hair is messed up.  He ends up making out with Angelina Trash Bags in the back of the cab.  She looks like she’s ready to squeal with delight.  Perhaps her “marriage” dream to Pauly D will come true after all.
• In the end, after Angelina is caught talking smack a fight (shocker) erupts in the house and to be honest I’ve been waiting for this all season.  It’s finally the part where JWoww says to Sammi, “Did you grow balls all of a sudden?”  to which Sammi replies, “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  Those two lines have been in my head since the season preview over a month ago.  I think all women should just start saying that no matter where you are or what someone says to you.  (Example) Starbucks Employee: “Would you like anything else with your Grande iced coffee?”  You: “I’ve always had balls, honey!”  (Example) Police Officer Pulling You Over for Speeding: “License and registration, ma’am.”  You:  “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  (Example) Priest At Your Wedding:  “My dear, repeat after me.  I take you to be my husband in sickness and in health….”  You:  “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  See how that works?
• JWoww gets in Sammi’s face to “step up, yo, step up!”  Sammi says she doesn’t fight because she’s mature and classy.  Haha brilliant.  I’d love to see the gag reel for this one.  You know as soon as she said it someone yelled “cut” and they all burst out laughing.
• ShamWow ends up pushing Sammi’s face and then pushes her down to the ground.  I’d say she owned Sammi…that is until Sammi got back up and punched her directly in the face.  Well…almost.  We’ll have to see next week if the punch actually connected to JWoww’s face.  What a cliffhanger!  This is bigger than “Who shot JR?”

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Jersey Shore Recap: Putting the Hippopotamus to Bed

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• It’s just another night in South Beach and JWoww ShamWow and Snooki are heading out to celebrate gay pride weekend, but not before ShamWow stands in the mirror pushing her boobs together in hopes that they’ll join forces and, quite possibly, take over the world.  Literally, she keeps pushing them together and saying, “I want them like this” but, like the Berlin Wall, they fall.  I’m sure if she sprayed some of Snooki’s AquaNet on them we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now.
• After Snooki and Shammy dance it up with a gay couple out at “da club” they come home so that Snooki can call her boyfriend Emilio.  Per usual a fight begins because Snooki lets him know that she made some gay friends tonight.  Emilio loses his sh*t and claims that he’s going to go out and hang out with some lesbians.  Snooki, the teacher of a new generation, informs him that it’s different with gay guys because “they don’t like vagina, they like ****.”  Actually I’m pretty sure one of those guys thought ShamWow had a penis so they may be in more trouble than Snooki is letting on.  She ends up hanging up on him and ShamWow gives Snooki a round of applause.
• Meanwhile the guys are out at their own “da club” and are rounding up some Miami skanks to come on back to “da house” and partake in a little STD handing-out ceremony.  It’s like picking names out of a hat, you don’t know which one you’re going to get.  Although, like the episode of The Brady Bunch where Peter meets his “twin” at school and ends up having two dates for Halloween show up at his house at the same time, two sets of girls show up at the house to “hang” with Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, and even Vinny.  The only problem is that, according to Grandpa Sitch, one girl brought a hippopotamus and therefore someone needs to put the hippopotamus to bed so the rest of the guys can pair up with their girls and basically get itchy crotches in the next 24 to 48 hours.
• Side Question: What do you do if you’re the girl who showed up to the house, signed the waiver to be shown on national television, didn’t end up having sex on camera, and was now known as a hippopotamus?  I mean, is that something you put on your resume or no?
• The next morning the guys usher the girls quickly out of the house and decide to a do a little TL.  No time for the gym, but there’s always time for tanning and laundry.  I’m sure, however, that they at least run in place whilst in the tanning booth or maybe even do squats so I’m certain they’re getting in a little “G” while doing their “TL.”
• Grandpa situation puts in a request that Angelina Trash Bags helps out around the house and does the dishes because he’s going to be cooking up Sunday dinner which, most likely, will end up all over the kitchen floor similar to the girls from “da club” last night.
• Snooki ends up asking Angelina to do the dishes, but Angelina is on the phone for the 16th consecutive hour and wants no part of it so Snooki just Smurfs away from the situation (not “the” situation). I actually laughed when Snooki was in her one-on-one interview and said “So Angelina was on the phone again” and then stuck out her tongue and went “blah” all in one breath.  Good old Snook’s, friend ’til the end.
• Once Grandpa Sitch comes back from getting the groceries and sees that Angelina didn’t clean any of the dishes all guido hell breaks loose.  They end up in a screaming match and Angelina does that “yell clap” that a lot of people on reality shows are doing now when they get into a verbal fight with someone.  You know, they clap their hands whilst they are yelling.  I’m not sure if it’s because they’re trying to drop a beat or if they’re still learning how to sound out words into syllables and the clapping just helps with that.  It’s a real toss up at this point.  All I know is that’s how I’m going to order my coffee tomorrow at Dunkin Donuts.  I want a (clap clap) medium iced (clap) coffee with (clap clap) skim milk (clap) and no (clap) sugar (clap).  And I’ll probably end it with a loud “hello?!”
• Anyway G. Sitch tells Angelina to hit the treadmill, but then realizes he was wrong for saying that so he changes his mind and tells her to hit the elliptical instead.  I think it’s nice that he’s providing workout tips all whilst fighting.  I’m pretty sure I saw Snooki taking copious notes in the background.
• Poor Snooki (insert sideways sad face).  ShamWow takes her for a walk to get some fresh air and clear her mind from the breakup with Emilio.  Snooki ends up crying in the middle of the street while JWoww ShamWow just hugged her.  It was nice…for the first 2 seconds.  Then it got awkward and all it looked like was a giant ball of hair and tan was stuck in the middle of the street.  They’re lucky the street sweeper didn’t scoop them up.  See?  There’s always a bright side.
• Later, after dinner Snooki decides to take all her pictures of Emilio and his drawn in eyebrows and burn them out in the backyard.  She lets us know that all of her roommates are being sympathetic and then she gets all proud of herself for using such a “big word” like sympathetic.  And you know what?  I’m proud of her too.  I’m proud of her too.
• Vinny spits on one of the picture and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta does a little dance over the burning picture.  Basically this is the same exact way they pick up girls at “da club.”  Like an episode of National Geographics, I’m pretty sure we just witnessed their actual mating ritual.
• Well it’s finally “note” time!  Snooki and ShamWow secretly hide the note in Sammi SweatStains drawer in hopes that she’ll find it the next morning.  Snooki, Grandpa Situation, and ShamWow head out to the gelato shop for “work” and while they’re gone Sammi finds the typed up note.  I actually thought she was going to lose her sh*t, but she really didn’t.  She went to all the guys and showed them the note and then asked them if they wrote it and if they knew anything about what was in it.  Of course they all say no.  Perhaps no one is aware that a camera crew follows them around and through “the magic of technology” they’re all recorded witnessing what Ronnie did at “da club” and all the rest of his meth’d out shenanigans.
• Sammi SweatStains ends up showing Ronnie the letter and asking him if any of it is true.  To my surprise, Ronnie doesn’t think the letter is written by Snooki since it had the word “wisely” in it and Ronnie knows that “Snooki doesn’t use that kind of vocabulary.”  Brilliant.  Snooki did set up that trap while typing the note, but her trap was with the word “breasts” instead of “t*ts.”  Chalk up a “W” for Snooki!
• Ronnie ends up admitting to some of the things that he did like “taking a shot between the waitresses breasts.”  Can that go on a t-shirt, by the way?  Angelina is keeping it cool and pretending that she knows nothing about it.  She’s wearing her sunglasses inside the house as an acting prop and, well, it’s working for her.  Vinny has his sunglasses on inside the house too.  I think it’s great that everyone is like Mr. Magoo inside the house.
• Meanwhile, JWoww calls the house to see if the note had been found.  Sammi SweatStains answers and this is where JWoww needs to use her fine-tuned acting skills.  She claims she has no idea what Sammi is talking about and didn’t write the note.  Something tells me this performance will land JWoww a walk-on role on an upcoming episode of Law & Order.
• Once they make it home from “work” they read the letter with Grandpa Situation and all have a laugh over many of the lines of the note.  It actually is pretty funny.  JWoww just keeps telling Sammi that she wasn’t even there the night this stuffed happened and Snooki just keeps rubbing the side of her arm while talking to Sammi.  These are not signs of lying at all.  At. All.
• In the end, Ronnie and Sammi kind of figure out they’re broken up so, literally, seconds later Ronnie goes and finds his phone-book (no idea) and calls up this girl that MTV has labeled as “Ronnie’s Hometown Honey.”  Sure.  Somehow Sammi hears this and confronts him.  She ends up calling him “bro” and he ends up calling her “bro.”  This is like when Justin Bobby used to call Audrina “dude.”  I miss The Hills.  Almost.  A little.  Not really.  Well, once in a while.  Anyway, Sammi and Ronnie are broken up so they’re now both free to spread STDs to whoever they want.    Join Me on Facebook!

Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki Figures Out Why There are So Many Lesbians in the United States

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Better last than never.  Hey it was my birthday.  Cut me some slack.  And some ham.  Burp.  Here’s what went down last night on Jersey Shore:

• We pick things up right where left off with Ronnie being “drunk.”  He’s “drunk” just like the folks on Intervention who cut up pills, snort them, and heat up metal spoons with a lighter are “drunk.”  Look, I’ve been so many sheets to the wind that I’ve had a full on conversation with myself in the mirror before and, still, I have never been as “drunk” as Ronnie.
• Why are Grandpa Sitch’s sunglasses, in “da club” crooked and hanging off his face and halfway down his nose?  Am I that old that this is a new trend that I’m completely unaware of?
• After Snooki and JWoww ShamWow have a brief conversation about their (hurl) periods (bleach in ears), Snook’s decides to call her boyfriend Emilio (Estevez?), but he can’t hear a thing she’s saying because he’s out at his own “da club” and hanging with half naked girls who are, more than likely, more tan than Lil Kim and sporting eyebrows drawn in with a thin-tip Sharpie.
• Snooki is not only getting all political on our asses this season, but she’s also teaching us earth shattering concepts like, “Men don’t know how to deal with women…and that’s why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.”  Really?  That’s why?  I always assumed it was because of the increase in lesbian talk-show hosts over the past decade.  Odd.  I’ll have to re-tally my numbers and get back to you.
• So I have a question?  How dumb is Sammi SweatStains?  Every time she asks the roommates if Ronnie is cheating on her they literally don’t answer her and look the other way.  At one point I’m pretty sure I heard crickets rolling their eyes.  At other point when she was asking I’m pretty sure she was leaning on Ronnie who was motorboating a stranger in Sammi’s bed and she still didn’t believe it.
• Minutes later Emilio called back to punk Snooki and let her know that he banged some girl tonight.  Odd how JWoww jumped up when she heard this in a way that really said, “It wasn’t me.  I was here the whole time.  You saw me here.  You can’t prove anything.  Do you have any ham?”  Why would he joke that he banged another girl when he didn’t?  Whatever happened to just sending flowers or, you know, telling a girl she’s not hot enough to get you aroused?  Eh, I guess I’m just old fashion and classy.
• Emilio calls back (again like a little b*tch) and when ShamWow answers the phone and starts yelling at him he confuses her with an answering machine.  This is actually a step up for ShamWow as most guys usually just confuse her for a f*cking machine.  Hey-oh!  Try the veal!
• Overplayed Quote of the Season:  “Do you.”  Enough.  None of you are Kid ‘n Play so stop this saying.  Immediately.  Do you.  Do you.  You know what?  Do reading.  Do math.  Do charity work.
• When Ronnie comes home at 6am Sammi decides to keep the fight from episode one going.  I’m over them.  They’re officially at Heidi and Spencer status right now.  Sidenote, Ronnie lets us know that Sammi shouldn’t test him because he doesn’t take tests and that’s why he never went to college.  Yeah, no.  I don’t think that’s the reason.  Colleges also don’t typically give out scholarships based on waxing patterns so, yeah, there’s that too.
• It’s so odd to see the girls eating at sushi restaurant.  I always pictured them eating spicy buffalo wings with their bare breasts.  And, by the way, Snooki is dressed to perfection with her yellow Ed Hardy bedazzled trucker hat and matching seizure pattern shirt.  I’m surprised the waitstaff didn’t think she was a friggin Harajuku girl.
• Grandpa Situation is making “Sunday Dinner” and suddenly this scene turns into an episode of I Love Lucy.  He drops the pans of sauce all over the kitchen floor, Snooki explodes a bottle of champagne which almost dented Pauly D’s hair, and then Grandpa Sitch knocks stuff out of the refrigerator.  I was waiting for JWoww to start wrestling with an old Italian woman stomping grapes with her feet and then, you know, going down on her.
• After dinner the whole gang decides to play a game of asking each other awkward questions, but not before all the girls literally dress up like street-walking-whores.  My crotch started to itch just looking at them and, well, not in the good way.  However, the quote of the night goes to Pauly D/Ellen Travolta when he tells Angelina that it looks like she’s wearing her luggage from last year.  Brilliant.  It makes me want to get a douche-bag blowout and hand over my keyboard to Pauly D for an episode or two.
• The questions during “family game night” consist of things like, “who’s cheated on their girlfriend/boyfriend in the past,” “Who is the president of IFF,” and “Which guy in the house would take a dump on Sammi’s chest.”  Duh, the obvious answer to that is JWoww.  I think she’d not only do Shasta McNasty on your chest but then she’d whip out her ding-dong and whiz all over you.  I believe that’s officially called the JWoww ShamPlow or “Special #4″ if you’re ordering online.  Tell ‘em Patrick sent you can get an additional 10% off.
• It’s another night out at one of the same 3 clubs they always go to and a switch flips and Ronnie is (shocker) “drunk” again.  Oh and he is fighting with Sammi SweatStains.  Sammi is taking a page from the Audrina Patridge script and repeating the whole, “I’m done, I’m done.  Seriously I’m done” scene that Oddy use to spew out about Justin Bobby.  Yawn.
• Ronnie is so “drunk” that Sammi has to help in out of “da club,” put him in “da cab,” and then get him into “da bed.”  Since they’re both a class act, Sammi puts a cooking pot next to his bed in case he vomits.  Of course, seconds later Ronnie somehow does a triple salchow off his bed and flips over and lands on the floor.  Of course he picks himself up and then falls head first into the wall.  At this point I’m fine with watching that 15 second scene on a loop for the remainder of this crapisode.  I could, however, give or take hearing Ronnie puke up his guts in the toilet.  Eh, at least he didn’t use the lobster pot.  I’m sure that’s reserved for middle of the night pisses anyway.
• Meanwhile, Snooki and JWoww (who I must admit I enjoy watching get into shenanigans together) head on out to an Internet Cafe to type up an anonymous letter to Sammi to let her know that Ronnie has been cheating on her.  Snooki informs us that in the letter they referenced the word “breasts” and she only calls them “t*ts,” so she thinks this means Sammi will never know the letter is coming from either herself or ShamWow.  Uh, I’m pretty sure the fact that it’s typed up and not hand-written in whore-red lipstick or crayons is enough to make Sammi never question if it’s from Snook’s or Sham’s.  As  a sidenote, I must say that I was very impressed with Snooki’s typing skills and speed.  She almost got all the words right.  This far exceed my expectations or her going the “hen peck” method of typing, but with her vag.
• In the end, the girls try to bully (systematic bullying) Angelina into taking part in this letter planting scheme.  Angelina is hesitant since she knows this will all end up being blamed on her when the shiz hits the fan.  I am pleasantly surprised that Angelina could put two and two together.  I am equally impressed that Angelina is not wearing her sunglasses in the house right now.  Also, Snooki’s “freakin’ poof” in the Miami humidity is starting to look like an Easter bonnet.  Go with God.
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Jersey Shore Recap: The Tooth Fairy is Dead So Let’s Celebrate With Chicken Cutlets in the Hot Tub!

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Jersey Shore recap time!  It’s like Christmas comes once a week when JS is on.  I’m liking the season so far, but am a little disappointed that more people aren’t beating the bag out of each other on the regular.  Hopefully we’ll get to that soon.  Meanwhile, here’s what went down last night on Jersey Shore:

• We get to relive the slow-motion-half-slap heard around the juice head world when Angelina Trash Bags “attacks” Pauly D/Ellen Travolta.  I will, more than likely, drink a bottle of wine and then reenact this scene with my collection of Troll Dolls later.  I’ll let you know how it goes. Spoiler Alert:  Not well.
• Anygarbagedisposal, the sounds of Pauly D screaming at Angelina wakes up Sleeping Beauty (JWoww ShamWow) from a peaceful and dainty slumber.  She drags her weave out of bed and looks like she just crawled out of a dumpster…after having sex in it…with a homeless dude….and his three kids….who are all on heroine….and blind….and armless….and rely on a seeing-eye dog…who is also on heroine…whom JWoww also banged.  So yeah, like that.  ShamWow lets Angelina know that if she wasn’t drunk she’d be beating her ass right now.
• Ok here’s why I start to like Angelina.  She is so drunk that she doesn’t remember even hitting Pauly D from 3 minutes ago.  In fact, she starts talking about some chick at “da club” who may have hit him.  Oh, and she’s slurring too.  These are attractive qualities to me.  Is that bad?  Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.  Toss in the fact that she’s stumbling around the yard with her sunglasses on like Mr. Magoo and I think I’m in love.  Ok, I’m over her.
• Why the hell are they working at a gelato shop?  More importantly how is it legal that JWoww has to wear a black t-shirt where her rack-attack can’t be seen or heard from?  Plus, it just doesn’t make sense in regards to efficiency. If her rack was hanging out she could stick an ice-cream cone in there while scooping the next.  Duh.
• So, yeah.  Um.  Er.  Vinny needs a haircut and is talking about getting a “tape up” which I’m learning is some kind of haircut.  He finds a barber and says that if they can cut a “black persons hair then they can cut his hair.”  Next thing you know he’s saying how they’re in the hood and in the ghetto.  Ouch.  Someone is going to take issue with this and, similar to the Grinch, I wouldn’t touch this with a thirty nine and a half foot pole.
• Oh, and Ronnie gets his haircut there too which is just basically shaved on the sides and then feathered on the top, perfect for when you’re on a meth binge and just want a quick “wash-n-go.”
• On a very special Jersey Shore: Grandpa Situation rounds up the entire group to talk about giving Angelina another chance.  They all just want Angelina to admit that she’s talked about them in the past and then they can move on.  This is, perhaps, the most civil thing we’ve ever witnessed on the Jersey Shore.  Quick, someone hit someone!
• Everyone gets ready to go out for the night and this is usually my favorite part of the episode because, like watching an animal episode of National Geographics, we get to see them all in their natural habitat.  Spraying themselves with Axe, AquaNet, and pushing up their boobs is clearly their mating ritual.  Snooki is in her typical Snooki attire which consists of a leopard dress, her boobs pushed up to her chin, and her “freakin poof” standing as high as an elephants eye.  JWoww ShamWow is rockin’ her famous cut out shirt with her boobs peaking out the middle, top, bottom, front, and sides.  Basically it’s like her shirt is a curtain and her boobs are ready to take a bow.  Both Snooki and JWoww may or may not be in their own official Halloween costumes of 2010.
• At “da club” everyone is drunk and Snooki has a boob to boob heart to heart with Angelina about admitting that she talked sh*t about her in the past.  Angelina admits to this so that they could move forward.  She then admits the same thing to ShamWow.  They’re all so happy that Angelina admits this and they can now be friends again.  Why don’t they care that she, you know, talked sh*t about them?  I don’t even know what she said and I’m pissed.  Well I’m not so much pissed as I am buzzed.  Basically when they’re at “da club” I like to have some drinks too so that I feel like I’m hanging out with them.  That’s normal, right?
• Why do they keep saying that Ronnie is “drunk?”  That’s not drunk, kiddies, that’s Ecstasy (allegedly).  They’re all like, “Ronnie is such a different person now when he’s drunk.”  Well that’s because the cocaine in the Ecstasy makes you do crazy things.  Ronnie is now at the point where he’s basically doing the Charlie Brown dance moves all while looking up at the sky like he sees Jesus Himself (yeah I capitalized “Himself.”  I went to Catholic school.  I know what’s up).  I have to be honest, I’m loving watching Ronnie’s audition tape for Intervention.  I can’t wait until he and Candy Finnegan are in the same room together.  Your hard-parting ways have negatively affected me in the following ways…
• Ronnie calls Sammi SweatStains a b*tch and tells her to go home.  Once she does Ronnie starts “creepin’” and Snooki witnesses the whole thing.  She confronts Ronnie and he tells her that the whole time Sammi was going, and I quote, “Na na na na.  Ma ma ma ma.”  Ok.  Yup.  Wow.  So basically Ronnie just signaled and al qaeda attack.  It’s official.  Us infidels are going to die.   Thanks Ron.
• Later Snooki double checks if Ronnie really wants to be dancing with some other girl and he pushes her out of the way.  Oh no he didn’t!  Oh yes he did.  Grandpa Situation and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta step in and literally carry Ronnie out of “da club” in put him in “da cab.”  Ain’t (ai-not) no one gonna push my Snooki!  Snooki Gets Smooshed, Not Pushed!  Snooki Gets Smooshed, Not Pushed!  I’m going to make this into the new “Donna Martin Graduates!”
• In Horrible Tooth Fairy News:  Grandpa Sitch can’t believe that Ronnie hooks up with girls at “da club” and then comes back and sleeps with Sammi SweatStains.  He says, “I think Sammi has an idea but doesn’t want to believe it.  It goes back to the day when you thought the Tooth Fairy was, you know, alive.”  Wait what?  Wait what?  So you’re saying the Tooth Fairy has passed away?  What?  When?  I need a minute.  I’m going to need a minute.  Answer me this then, if the Tooth Fairy isn’t alive anymore who’s been leaving money under my pillow and, more importantly, why are my teeth still falling out as an adult?
• I love a drunk Snooki.  I really do.  Snooki is stumbling around the house and goes to call her boyfriend.  She’s slurring and making no sense.  Plus, she’s hiccuping constantly.  Vinny is passed out on the chair but wakes up when he hears Snooki hiccuping.  This is the Snooki I love the best.  She can’t even get her full sentence out to her boyfriend on the phone and it’s cracking me up.  I want to put Snooki in my front pocket and just bring her with me everywhere I go.  Like to the bathroom and Dunkin Donuts because, you know, I’m a class act.  Snooki ends up knocking the entire phone table over, hangs up on her boyfriend, and then gets into bed with Vinny.  The best part is that Snooki asks Vinny if he wants to f*ck, he says “sure” and then she turns over burps in his face and laughs.  THIS is the Jersey Shore that I love.  THIS is also the reason why most other countries hate us, but that’s another story for another time.
• New Acronym Alert:  Here we go again.  Now we learn what MVP stands for.  Mike, Vinny, Pauly.  MVP.  So now we have MVP, GTL, IFF, GFF, MIA.  Anything else?  Seriously, I need Rosetta Stone for this crap.
• The guys want to have an MVP night and Angelina wants to go so badly and, well they don’t want her to go.  So, they literally wait until she turns her head the other way and then they all run out of the door, up the street, and ditch her.  I’ve seen Bugs Bunny have a harder time trying to ditch Elmer Fudd than they just did with Angelina.  Brilliant.
• After the guys are done at “da club” which is filled with “grenades” (see? I’m learning) they bring back some real skanks to the house.  I mean, if you’re a girl and you run into these guys while you’re out drinking….and then they bring you back to the house…and then you signs a waiver saying you’re allowing your face to be show on national television, you know you’re a classy chick who makes good decisions.
• While in the hot tub with the “girls”  one of the girls fake boobs that you stuff in a bra falls out and is now floating in the hot tub.  Great, now even that has syphilis.  To keep things completely normal, the guys start playing catch with it for a few minutes before they give these grenades some towels and send them on their way so that they can live out the rest of their lives being known as “the girls who were in the hot tub on Jersey Shore with the fake boob floating around and being called grenades behind their back.”  What a wonderful title.  It’s going to really make their resume pop!
• The “next day” at the gelato shop Snooki, JWoww, and Grandpa Sitch all are working.  JWoww can’t believe that she’s not allowed to wear her own Ed Hardy bedazzled trucker hat with jewels and gold chains hanging off of it.  That’s surprising.  What store owner wouldn’t allow that?  I mean that hat was so friggin busy I started having seizures in my living room just looking at it.
• Snooki, on the other hand, is too short to see over the counter (and I’m not joking) so they have to give her a stool just so she can see the customers.  She calls herself a Smurf and that makes me love her even more.  Move over Smurfette because we have a new head b*tch in charge who’s happily named Guidette.  Seriously, the fact that I never thought of that connection before makes me a little sad.
• Grandpa Sitch decides to take his shirt off and stand in front of the store to get some customers.  Yup, no one comes in.  So Snooki is bored and decides to mount the giant statue “camel/dog” and she ends up hurting her vagina and probably re-busting her hymen.  All in a days work.
• In the end, Sammi SweatStains gets pissed off at Ronnie for deciding to go to “da club” with the guys instead of staying home with her and cuddling.  Go figure.  Also, two things we forgot to discuss.  (1) Why do they only go to the same 2 clubs every night? And (2) why does Ronnie always call Snooki “Shhnooki?”  Discuss.

Next week Snooki and JWoww are struggling with the decision of telling Sammi SweatStains that Ronnie is cheating so they decide to write her an anonymous letter.  Can’t. Wait.   Join Me on Facebook!

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Jersey Shore Recap: I.F.F, J420, and T-Shirt Time. We Have A Lot to Learn.

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Thursday night television hasn’t been this good since NBC’s “Must See TV.”  Real Housewives and Jersey Shore are like the “Friends” and “Seinfeld” of our generation.  Although unless they change the name to “Bethenny Getting Jersey Shore’d” I’m staying true to my alliance with Jersey Shore.  Here’s what went down on last nights crapisode:

• Ronnie and his coke eyes leave “da club” and head back to Casa de Golden Girls to brag to the guys that he’s about to get into bed with Sammi SweatStains.  So we’re all on the same page, we think Ronnie was either on coke or ecstasy, yes?  Because when I’m that drunk my eyes are usually tiny little slits (not to be confused with “sluts”) by the end of the night and I can barely see.  Ronnie, on the other hand, is all wide-eyed and bushy-permed.  Someone call Candy Finnigan and Jeff because all I see is a bunch of people here who love you like crazy and want you to join the good fight.
• Why is Ronnie’s t-shirt so long?  It’s like a dress.  It’s like if he put a big belt over it he’d be Punky Brewster circa 1988.  Oh Henry.  Oh Punky.
• Ronnie ends up falling into Sammi’s twin sized bed that appears to be in the closet and falls asleep dreaming of sweet things like IROCs, Drakkar Noir, and future construction jobs.
• The next morning Ronnie has no clue what happened the night before so he stumbles throughout the house until he finds Pauly D/Ellen Travolta chit-chattin’ on the phone and giggling like a school girl.  Sidenote, I miss the duck phone.  It’s so rude they didn’t bring it.  Anyquack, just when America (and southern parts of Canada) were starting to understand what GTL meant we now have to learn a new acronym.  This time around, from Pauly D, we learn that Ronnie is part of the I.F.F.  What does I.F. F mean you ask?  Great question.  Keep ‘em coming.  I.F.F stands for the “I’m F*cked Foundation.”  Pauly D lets us know that Ronnie is not only the president, but he’s also a client.  Oh Pauly D, talk like that makes me not regret thinking that you do intercourse with your mom.
• Later the “ladies” head to to do a little shopping at “Funky” which is basically a sex shop that also sells clothes.  This pleases JWoww ShamWow more than anything because she finally feels like she’s in her element.  Sammi, on the other hand, likes the store because she feels that this is where “trannies” shop, which now makes complete sense to me why ShamWow is so (fist) pumped right now.  I always knew JWoww had a ding-a-ling.  That’s a tranny, right?  Like, a tranny has a dinky-doo and a set of boobie-doo’s right?  Or is it when they snip of their dingle-dangle?  It’s hard to decipher and also I’m out of nicknames for your privates.  Oh wait.  Dig-Dogger.  Ok, I’m done.
• JWoww squeals with delight when she tries on this shirt which is basically a little piece of material with the entire front cut out.  Her boobs are stuffed in there so tight and are so pressed against the front of the shirt that it looks like two puppies trying to break free from a plastic bag.
• Snooki (God bless that spawn of Danny Devito and Lil Kim) on the other hand has just purchased a pair of “crystaled out” sunglasses for almost $400.  Because when Snooki is at the register with her bedazzled shirt and jeweled Ed Hardy trucker hat I was totally thinking, “You know what, Snooki needs a little more bedazzling.”  Honestly, she can’t even see out of the sunglasses but buys them anyway because (1) she’s getting paid a sh*t ton and (2) when there are people who can’t afford food at least they can take comfort in the fact that Snooki looks like a tanned midget Lady Gaga impostor.  I know I do.
• It’s dinner night for “the kids” and Grandpa Situation lets us all know that they’ll be cooking some steaks, some chicken and “possibly some pasta.”  Possibly?  Really?  Is that, like, a big decision that still needs to be made?  Are you cooking pasta or not for dinner?  I want to know now.  I don’t want to have to wait all episode until this mystery is finally revealed.
• Like when Bobby Brady would drop a banana peel on the kitchen floor and minutes later Alice would enter the scene you totally knew that the same outcome would happen when Grandpa Sitch placed the raw chicken in the refrigerator and minutes later Snooki comes home, not being able to see thanks to her glasses, and looking for pickles.  Annnnnnd, cue the raw chicken attacking Snooki when she opens the fridge. The marinade gets all over Snooki.  Good luck cleaning that up and figuring out what is orange sauce and what is orange skin.  I say leave the chicken on the floor and just toss Snooki in the oven at 375º for 45 minutes or until she browns….which is basically already done so I say just eat her.
• Later Sammi SweatStains goes through Ronnie’s phone book and notices that he has called his ex-girlfriend.  Um, phone book?  Who the hell has an actual phone book?  It’s like it’s 1988.  I guess that explains his oversized t-shirts.  It’s all making sense to me now.  Regardless, Sammi is pissed and, once again, fights with Ronnie and tells him to go F himself and have a good life.
• Sidenote:  When did this show turn into Big Brother?  There are cameras everywhere.  On the ceiling, in the hallways, behind the mirrors.  Does the cast know this?  Does anyone else, besides, me think of these things?  Moving on.
• Ronnie fills him ShamWow (not literally….yet) that he had a 1992 MTV Spring Break Three-Way Kiss with some skanks at “da club” and then he “motorboated” the shot girl on stage.  All while he’s saying this JWoww looks like she’s in an absolute state of bliss.  You can almost see cartoon hearts floating around her head and cupid hitting her with an arrow.  She’s in love, you guys, and this is the kind of romantic talk that really gets her going.
• Meanwhile, Grandpa Situation has to call to order some food to be delivered and leaves his name as “Situation.”  The guy on the other end of the phone doesn’t understand his name and couldn’t care less.  This is what my old literature class called “foreshadowing.”  We’ll talk about this in 3 years if this blog is still alive and kicking.
• JWoww goes in to take a shower to wash 24 years of filth off her body and we all find out that you can basically see right through the bathroom door and see a foggy, yet naked, ShamWow.  Seriously between the hidden cameras and this see-through bathroom door you know the perv from MTV who set all this up is playing with his razz-a-matazz while watching the unedited footage.
• ShamWow later spills the beans that Angelina Trash Bags talked crap about Snooki and her boyfriend in the past and this is what sets Snooki off.  She goes to confront Angelina, but not before making sure her crystal sunglasses were on, her tracker hat was securely fastened to her head, and she had her yard-glass that she is, for some reason, drinking out of in the house.
• Snooki confronts Angelina and Angelina wants to know who she heard this from.  JWoww says that she talked sh*t to her friends and Angelina wants to know their names.  Oh good God this can’t be good.  It’s not.  JWoww does give her friends names which consist of: J420, Joey-Angst and Bill.  Bill?  You know they must like Bill these least because he doesn’t have a name that sounds like an AOL chatroom lurkers screen name.
• JWoww is ready to fight Angelina, but since she is a lady, she gives Angelina three options which are (1) Stay and get her ass beat.  (2) Stay and get her ass beat. (3) Stay and get her ass beat.  Oh I would go with what’s behind curtain number 3!
• A Moment That Made Me Laugh:  As the fight is going on, the phone rings and it is, of course, for Angelina.  Snooki answers and when the person asks if Angelina is there Snooki responds with, “No.  She died” and then hangs up the phone.  Good old Snook.  Friend ’til the end.
• Ronnie is telling Sammi SweatStains that he loves her so much.  They decide to try and work things out.  Seriously, put on another record because this one is broken.  Yawn.  However, during Ronnie’s one-on-one interview he says that it’s kind of weird and that “We’re not Saved By the Bell.  We’re not Zach and Kelly.”  He’s right.  He totally has a point.  They’re not Zach and Kelly.  They’re more like Tori and Slater.  Everyone knows that.  Next.
• For some reason, the Douche-Bag-Brigade is going to be working at a gelato shop because, well, that’s one stereotype he didn’t touch upon last year.  Honestly they better be wearing plastic gloves while serving this gelato.  Imagine having ShamWow serve you gelato with her bare hands?  Instead of a side of biscotti I hope it comes with a side of tetanus.
• Ronnie decides to randomly get a tattoo on his walk home because, well, that’s a snap decision kind of thing.  He’s scared and so Sammi holds his hand during the process so that he doesn’t cry and scream like a little girl.  Somehow by Sammi holding his hand Ronnie takes this as a sign that Sammi will always be there for him.  Maybe it’s because all she kept on saying was “I’m always here for you.  Always.”  Seriously he’s getting a tattoo not going in for brain surgery.  Although…it probably wouldn’t hurt.
• T-Shirt Time!  Sounds fun, what is it?  Oh.  Basically T-Shirt Time consists of wearing either your black or white wife-beater while you’re at the house drinking and then right before you leave for “da club” you put on your “fresh” new T-Shirt.  Ohhh so that’s how it works.  Thank God there was a full explainer.
• At “da club” it’s Angelina’s turn to get fall down drunk and she doesn’t disappoint.  She’s dancing with girls, falls off the couch, and starts fighting with Pauly D/Ellen Travolta over the engaged/married/huh girl that he’s dancing with/kissing.  So basically Angelina fulfilled all of her contractual obligations.
• Angelina brings her drunken antics back home and gets extra creepy with Pauly D and Grandpa Situation.  She’s telling them that she loves them, and then she starts crying, and then she tells Pauly D that she wants to marry him one day.  Oh, and then she literally slow motion slaps him in the face.  Also, they all have their sunglasses on in the house.  Did we ever mention that Grandpa Situation’s sunglasses are always crooked and falling down his nose?  Well, they do.
• In the end Angelina follows them outside until Pauly D screams at her (Ike Turner style) and tells her that no one in the house likes her and now he and Grandpa Sitch don’t like her either.  He forgot to mention America.  America doesn’t care for her either.  I bet Mexico likes her though.  Is Mexico not in America anymore?  Damn I knew I should have paid attention during Social Studies.

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Jersey Shore Recap: Grenades and Landmines and 1920’s Pilgrims, Oh My!

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Did you know that the national unemployment rate is at 9.6%?  Who gives two filthy sh*ts because like the cutest little outbreak of “the herpes” Jersey Shore is back!  After almost one full year I can finally exhale.  There’s a Whitney Houston joke in there somewhere, but I can’t think of it now because my TIVO has the biggest woodie over Snooki being back on TV and you wanna know something?  I do too.  I do too.  So let’s catch up with all our favorite crapmates and see just what went down (besides JWoww at “da club”) last night on the season premiere of Jersey Shore:

• Buckle up kids because we’re about to hear “I’m in Miami, b*tch” about every 11 minutes for the next 60 minutes.  It’s basically like “weather on the 1’s.”
• They didn’t even bother updating the opening credits from last year.  Brilliant.  Like the old saying goes, “If JWoww’s extensions aren’t broken, don’t fix it.”  At least I think that was the old saying.  I just checked.  It was.
• The whole D-Bag Brigade is getting out of the snowy east coast weather and are heading to Miami (b*tch!).  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta hates this weather because you can’t tan in it, you can’t creep in it, and girls stay in their houses in this weather.  First off, I don’t believe for one second that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta tanned in natural sunlight a day in his life.  Second off,  if the homeless can creep in the snow/rain, so can you and so should you.  Third,  I’m sure “breaking and entering” will be in Pauly D’s future after this show goes off the air so he should practice finding girls hidden in their homes starting now.  It’ll be like the “Goonie’s” Nintendo game where you have to find the kidnapped girls.  Sidenote, I use to love using the fist to punch that dude in the dojo until he would say, “Ouch, what do you do?”  Memories.
• We get to meet Snooki’s new boyfriend who may or may not actually be shorter than Snooki.  She’s cooking meatballs for him at her parents house because we certainly needed to hit as many stereotypes as we could in the first five minutes.  Snooki’s boyfriend literally kisses her boobs in her parents kitchen and then spray-tans her face for her in her bedroom.  Couples who eat meatballs and spray-tan together stay together.  At least that’s what I heard.
• You may be wondering why Snooki is forced to spray-tan.  Well apparently because President Obama put a tax on tanning she can’t afford it.  Yes, the 10% tax is tough to pay for when you’re making $45,000 an episode.  That’s almost Montag money, by the way.
• Snooki takes about 15 minutes just to get into her into her SUV because her luggage is bigger than her.  Once sitting in the drivers seat she needs to move the seat almost all the way up to the steering wheel just so she can reach the pedals and see out the window.  Similarly, this is what I imaged Rhea Perlman had to do every morning during homeroom.
• Pauly D picks up Grandpa Situation, who is dressed literally head to toe in as much Ed Hardy his body can handle.  It’s like he’s wearing camouflage and is planning to enter a guido jungle.  Oh wait, he is.  Pauly D makes sure to help Grandpa Sitch with his bags, but he does it as quickly as he can because it’s raining out and the gel can only absorb so much water before his blow-out starts to curl and kink in the wind.  Phew, that was a close one!
• Aaaaaand, welcome back Angelina.  It’s fitting that her intro scenes include her getting a Brazilian wax on national television because, basically, I feel like someone is pulling the hair off my ding-dong region just watching this show.
• Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Situation are somewhere in one of the Carolina’s and bought about 2 episodes of pay worth of fireworks.  They set these off while their truck gets stuck in the mud or “stuck in the Angelina” as I like to call it.  Grandpa Sitch makes sure to keep giving it the gas until the truck is basically halfway to China.
• Meanwhile at some random hick bar in the south, some WT buys Snooki and JWoww ShamWow a couple of shots and tries to fist pump.  Snooki hit the nail on the head when she said, “He basically f*cks his sister for a living.”  I love when Snooki basically writes this for me.  Also, why does ShamWow look like she just got back from Vietnam?  All the fried pickles in the world can’t save these two.  Snooki says that the fried pickles were life changing.  You know what else is life changing?  Reading.
• So Angelina looks like the town street walking whore as she heads to the airport.  For some reason she’s wearing short-shorts that basically start and stop at the old cooch.  Don’t even bother going through the security line because we can all see that she’s not concealing any weapons.  On the flip side, we also can see that it’s “time of the month” for Angelina.  I’m gross.
• Angelina screams “goodbye New Jersey” while at the airport.  Um, JFK is in NYC not NJ.  Bricks.  Unless they changed it.  I don’t know.  I’m not good with the map.
• Angelina makes it to the Miami house and Grandpa Sitch and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is already there.  Angelina’s pink pockets are hanging out the bottom of her cooch shorts.  Her pockets, to no surprise, are empty.  This is probably because she spent every last dime she had on her Sears suitcase.  She wasn’t going to be known as “the girl who moved in with trash bags” this season.  Oh no she won’t.  She’ll be known, instead, as the girl who let her vaginastein hang out of her shorts and wore sunglasses inside the house at all times.  It’s better to be known as that.
• Like a true lady, Angelina is bunking with Grandpa Situation and Pauly D and she even says that if she hooks up with one of them one night who cares?  She should just wear a “Yes, We’re Open” sign on her crotch for the entire season.
• Sammi SweatStains finally arrives and had no clue that Angelina would be there.  Like a case of crabs, none of us expect it.  Sammi isn’t in love with Angelina because she talked a lot of crap about her in the past.   I guess Sammi wouldn’t be in love with me either.
• Ronnie and his chicken legs shows up.  What’s up with him during his one-on-one interviews?  Why is his hair permed during those scenes?  I think Ronnie should watch a season of Real Housewives of New Jersey because he’s about 15 years away from being Teresa’s husband Joe.  See you then!  Fabulous.
• This Miami house isn’t so bad.  It’s way better than the Jersey Shore house.  I kind of miss that house though.  This one kinda looks like the Golden Girls went on a meth binge and then decorated the piss out of it with stolen items from a TGI Friday’s.
• JWoww ShamWow and Snooki finally make it to the house!  We know this because JWoww’s boobs enter the house about 15 minutes before the rest of JWoww does.  Both ignore Angelina, similar to the way the rest of America did when she left the show last season after 2 crapisodes.
• Why is everyone calling Snooki “Nicole?”  Are they trying to class it up this season?  They better not be.
• Alright so the last 20 minutes of the show is when it started getting good.
• JWoww ShamWow is hanging up all her clothes when the entire shelf comes off the wall and crashes down on her.  She flinches like she’s about to take a shot to the face and by “shot to the face” I’m pretty sure you know what I mean.  I’m talking about semen on her face.  Was that not clear?  Let’s have some manners, people, and not make me have to actually say it, ok?
• All the cheap booze got all over Sammi’s 15 sets of white shorts so they are forced to wash them in the sink.  This is where the real brilliance comes in.  Snooki shows us how she only made it up to the 3rd grade when she says, “I feel like a friggin pilgrim from the 20’s, washing clothes right now.”  Yes, Snooki, the pilgrims were from the 20’s.  In fact, America is actually less than 100 years old.  Columbus discovered America around the same time that Henry Ford invented the first car.  Had the pilgrims known that, perhaps they could have shipped their cars over on the Mayflower.  I’m sure had the pilgrims known that America would eventually be infatuated with the Jersey Shore they would have hopped back on their boat and just dealt with their own religious persecution and called it a day.
• Everyone is getting ready to head out to “da club.”  This time around MTV has placed hidden cameras in the all the mirrors in the house, which I think is great because we definitely need to see JWoww and Snooki doing “duck lips” whilst they push up their boobs.  Seriously, if JWoww pushes her boobs up any higher she’ll be able to rest her chin on them.
• All the girls are in one cab and Angelina starts up some sh*t by saying that they all “love guys” and she “loved a guy” and that’s why she left and that’s why they hate her.  Um, huh?  They hate you because you talk crap and your “boom boom” hangs out of your shorts and smells like the city dump.  JWoww will have no disrespect and starts screaming at Angelina and tells her that she should know about trash because she’s from Staten Island.   Oh no she didn’t!  Keep in mind the girl that is saying this also wear jeans that have been bedazzled and buys ham on her way home from “da club.”  So yeah, let’s not try to have an argument about who knows more about trash.  It’s like trying to decide which kid in a Third World country is the skinniest.
• Even Snooki gets involved in the fight by calling Angelina a “whit rat” because she’s too pale.  Angelina fights back by saying that Snooki is “too tanned.”  I mean, is this really happening?  For real?  I’m so glad the Jersey Shore is back.  It’s like my life has been meaningless for the past year.
• Like every crapisode last season, Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains fight whilst in “da club” and it pisses everyone else off.  They bring their drunken fight into the cab until Ronnie calls her “the C word” and leaves the cab.  I’m assuming the C-word he used was “classy” right?  Calling one of these girls a c*nt is like a compliment.  Calling them classy is the worst thing you can possibly do!  Regardless, Snooki doesn’t know what either of those words mean….or 1/3rd of the words in the dictionary for that matter.
• The guys (and Angelina) head back into another club and Ronnie is 15 sheets to the wind.  He’s sweating, falling, and having seizures and, well, that’s just his dancing alone.  He’s also making out with all sorts of farm animals.  I mean these chicks are busted.  He’s having a 1995 MTV Spring Break “Three-Way” Kiss with two chicks who look like Russian gymnasts who won the gold and silver.  Terrible.  Although we do learn the difference between what a “grenade” is and what a “landmine” is.  Just so everyone can understand, The Hills was a grenade and The City is the landmine.  Make sense?  Good.
• Honestly I just caught syphilis watching this scene.
• In the end Sammi SweatStains lets us all know that she’s still in love with Ronnie.  She then goes to bed with her sunglasses on her head so, yeah, all is right in Miami.

Well folks, that is crapisode one of Jersey Shore season 2.  I think it was entertaining to say the least.  The first 40 minutes were a little tough, but the last 20 minutes made up for it.  I think this is going to be a great season and I look forward to the future episodes where the roommates all take turns just beating the bag out of each other…just like Jesus instructs us to do in the Bible.  Oh, and I’m also looking forward to hearing Sammi say, “I’ve always had balls, honey.”

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Jersey Shore Season 2 Preview: The Adventures of Syphilis

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July 29th can’t come soon enough.  This is the day that we get to follow Snooki, Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Sammi SweatStains, Ronnie No Nickname, Vinny, JWoww ShamWow, and Angelina Trash Bags on their spiritual journey to Miami.  In the preview clip, as predicted, we get to hear the Douche Bag Brigade scream, “I’m in Miami, bitch!” 3 different times in the first 23 seconds.  I assumed it would be have 5 times in 23 seconds, but my douche-o-meter is a little off.

Not only is everyone drunk 98% of the time (why be any other way?), but watching Snooki dance around in a sombrero that’s 15 times the size of her “freakin’ poof,” knock over an end-table (which smashes a lamp) and then what looks like “slap fighting” with Angelina Trash Bags is, well, the recipe for a perfect season to me.

Don’t think this season is all about drinking, fighting, hooking up, gym, tanning, and laundry though.  Oh no, my friends, oh no.  It’s also an educational experience.  Last season we learned what GTL stood for.  Now we have “MVP,” which of course stands for Mike, Vinny, Paulie.  We also get to see “GFF” written in chalk on the wall, which apparently stands for “Grenade Free Foundation.”  Watching this totally made me think “WTSEIBTMFT,” which, of course, means “When This Show Ends It’s Back to McDonalds For Them.”

With Snooki having sex with Vinny and Vinny having sex with Angelina and JWoww ShamWow fighting Sammi SweatStains over Ronnie No Nickname it proves to be a season that dreams are made of.  Give me July 29th or give me death!  I’m in withdrawal, bitch!

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Jersey Shore Recap Season Finale: Goodbye to Gorilla Central

Today is a highly emotional day around the corporate headquarters of IBBB, as we bid farewell to Jersey Shore.  It’s times like this I scream up to the heavens, “Why God?  Why do you put good things in our life just to take them away from us!?”  It’s too soon.   It’s. Just. Too. Soon.  I would like to start this Jersey Shore recap the same way I would like to end it, with touching songs.  The first is to the tune of “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” by REO Speedwagon.  Please, all, sing along with me.

And even as I wonder,
I’m waiting for a fight,
You’re a Dep bottle in the window,
On a cold, dark winters night.
And JWOWW’s weave really gives me such a friiiiight.

And I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her foooooor,
It’s time to say goodbye to the Jersey Shore,
And throw away the bronzer, forever.

Cuz I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her fooooooor,
And if you call The Situation a bore,
Ronnie will punch you through the door,
Snooki, I can’t fight this feeling anymore.

On to the Jersey Shore Season Finale Recap:

• Oh yeah I totally forgot that Ronnie was arrested for knocking out the Boardwalk Heckler in “one shot, one shot kid.”  I guess after you see so many fights they all start to just merge into one distant memory…kinda like Angelina.
• Sammi SweatStains and Snooki and Snooki’s corset are all freaking out back at the house about what to do to get Ronnie out of jail.  Whilst munching on a rice cake, Snooki in a Snooki-like panic asks if she should call 911 because, you know, that’s what they’re there for.  Sammi is whining that she doesn’t know what to do because she’s never been in this situation before.  Really?  Never?  Not even, like, the other day?  Or last week?  Or last month?  Or the entire summer last year?  Or with her dad in 1999?  Fine.  I “believe” you.
• Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is in bed with Danielle the Israeli stalker while Vinny and his eyebrows fill them in on what happened to Ronnie.  Classic Danielle responds by saying, “they’re acting like Israeli’s right now.”  Really?  I didn’t see anyone ducking behind a rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street throwing rocks at the other person who was ducking behind another rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street.  Did you?
• Snooki’s corset and boobs finally figure out how use the duck phone and when she calls the local jail she just asks for “Ronnie.”  No last name.  No other information.  Just Ronnie.  This is the Jersey Shore, Snooki, I’m sure the other 15 guys he’s sharing a jail cell with are named Ronnie and the other half are named Sal.
• Ronnie will be in the slammer until 6:30 AM and Sammi SweatStains is more concerned that she’ll be sleeping alone for the first time since they all arrived at the Jersey Shore.  Maybe she can put a wife-beater on her extensions and a little gel and pretend it’s Ronnie?  I’m kidding.  A lot of gel.
• In the morning after they realized it’s not Snooki just farting in her Guidette slumber, and answer the duck phone, Sammi picks up Ronnie at Attica.  Ronnie feels that he doesn’t belong in jail, but his Ed Hardy tight t-shirt with a sparkly sword doing down the back begs to differ.
• Well everyone learns their lesson and move on with their lives.  Grandpa Situation is busy calling all the girls he met at the Shore, but has to leave them messages because they are not answering their phones, as it’s tricky to get cell service whilst in the free clinic.  Since that’s a bust, the guys just decide to have a “guys night out.”  Snooki decides to call Keith the farmer and JWOWW is giving her some  dating advice.  That’s like a lepar giving advice on how to keep your fingers from falling off.  Well, you know what I mean.
• Gorilla Central Alert:  As if I didn’t think JWoww ShamWow could hit even more of an all time low, the “next day” she’s out on the Boardwalk and see’s all these guys walking around that she decides to reference as “Gorillas.”  One would think this was a derogatory comment, but not according to ShamWow.  For ShamWow, this is her ultimate guy.  Her “prince” if you will.
• JWoww ShamWow literally runs home to wake up Snooki to let her know that there are “juice-heads” everywhere.  This is where our Guidette lesson begins.  From Snooki we learn what a juice-head is.  Snooki snook’s, “A juice-head is a hot Italian tanned guy, typically muscly, loves working out and looking buff and brawn.”  Funny, that’s the same exact way I order my Italian subs.
• As if the Douche-Bag Brigade isn’t tan enough, they all decide to go to the beach for the first time all summer because, you know, they missed that there was an ocean in their backyard.  Grandpa Situation hits on some chick, Sam, that looks about 16 years old.  Someone check Sitch’s laptop for kiddie porn because I’m pretty sure you’ll find it.  You’ll find kiddie porn and about 108 pictures of Grandpa Sitch taking a picture of himself in the bathroom mirror with him holding his shirt up and squinting his eyes.  Just a hunch.
• Poor Snooki.  Like a turkey thermometer about to pop, she leaves the beach and heads home to call Keith the farmer one more time to ask him out on a date.  Keith decides to not take Snooki up on her offer and she hangs up on him.  Next up, Snooki whines the entire length of the Boardwalk dressed in a too tight white and black dress with her fupa fuping all around as she walks.  She then, for some inexplicable reason, decides to have a dance-off outside by herself.  She lunges at the camera a lot when she dances but, hell, she did that all season anyway.  I think she thinks the camera is a person.  If there were some gel on the camera microphone I’m sure she’d ask it out.  Anywax, while Snooki dances some randoms join in.  Everyone seems confused, the people watching, the people dancing, the people walking by, and me.  I have no idea what is going on.  Snooki’s ex-boyfriend who is up on the balcony won’t even come down to say hi to her.  You kinda knew it was bad as his face was blurred out.  Most likely if they don’t want their face shown, they may not be into you anymore. I mean the kid who actually punched Snooki in the face on camera signed the release form and showed his face, but her ex-boyfriend would not.  Pooooooor Snooki.
• Later that night, the guys go to play pool and talk about their plans for the future, which literally consist of carpooling to Rhode Island.  That’s right, dream big guys!  Meanwhile, Sammi and Ronnie leave Seaside to go to a fancy dinner.  I’m not sure how fancy the dinner can be if you show up in a t-shirt, but what do I know?  I wear shoes to a restaurant and chew my food before talking.  I’m a caveman like that.
• Snooki cries her way home from wherever the hell she was and Grandpa Situation gives her a pep talk and gets her in the crab shack hot tub.  Honestly, you couldn’t pay me to stick one foot in the hot tub.  Although I’d probably float on top of it because of that whole “oil doesn’t mix with water” scenario.  It’s like the Dead Sea.  Is that the one I’m thinking of?  Eh, semantics.  Wait, is that the word I’m thinking of?  Either way, Snooki’s boobs are now floating in the hot tub and she and Grandpa Situation are kissing and I’m cringing and red in the face with secondhand embarrassment.  As I peek out of one eye with my hands covering my face, did I notice that Grandpa Situation keeps moving his head away from Snooki like he’s trying to dodge raindrops?  I bet kissing Snooki taste’s like salami and crackers.
• The remainder of the episode consists of the gang sitting around and talking about the summer and all their favorite times.  They all think it will be a great idea to get a Jersey Shore house next summer and, you know what, I agree.  But let’s not wait until the end of the summer to start filming this again.  Start at Memorial Day and end at 4th of July.  Deal?
• Well it’s been a great summer and a great time recapping this crap.  I’m dumber for it and I hope you are too.

And now we shall end this with a touching rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Gone Too Soon.”

Like a Guidette blazing ‘cross the Jersey sky,
Gone too soon.

Like some crust turned into Vinny’s pink eye,
Gone too soon.

Like Snooki’s crotchless backflip at “da club,”
Gone too soon.

Like the skunk hair that JWOWW would sport, which surely gave a fright,
Gone too soon.

Like Ronnie teasing Sammi’s Fred Flintstone toe on a warm summer night,
Gone too soon.

Like The Situation explaining what The Situation means for 15 minutes in episode one,
Gone too soon.

Like a duck phone that confused the entire house for the entire month,
Gone too soon.

Like Angelina moving in with nothing but trash bags and leaving early with the same,
Gone too soon.

Like DJ Pauly D’s Israeli stalker making him a shirt,
Gone too soon.

Like Snooki getting the bag beat out of her at least once per episode,
Gone too soon.

Like these Jersey Shore recaps that were sure to rot your brain,
Gone too soon.

Gone too soon.

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Let’s play the Jersey Shore Picture Trivia Game one last  time:

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Jersey Shore Recap: JWOWW Punches the Tan Off Grandpa Situation While Pauly D’s Israeli Stalker Needs to Stay Back 100 Feet

There is no reason, ever, why Jersey Shore should be on for 2-hours.  Award shows don’t take up as much time as Jersey Shore did last night.  I was trying to hit record on my Tivo with one hand, whilst trying to fight off Mr. Sandman with the other hand.  I don’t know why that sounds sexual.  Mr. Sandman is not the name of my private regions, just to make that clear.  Although, maybe it should be.  Now where was I?  Ah yes, Jersey Shore.  Here’s a little bit of what went down last night.  I like to call this recap: Jersey Shore Lite: Less Filling, Tastes Terrible.

• If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this show, it’s never to tell anyone that you want to have a family meeting.  10 minutes of my life can never be retrieved thanks to Snooki wanting to have a family meeting to discuss Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie Stumpy spending too much time together.  We all learn that little Snook was just taking smack out of her poof and no one, including all of America, cares if Sammi and Ronnie isolate themselves from the rest of the group.  I would like to know, however, why Sammi looks decent during the show scenes, but when it’s time for her “interview” in front of the green-screen she looks like someone turned the heat up to 108 degrees and then poured baby oil over her head and then slipped her 6 Ambien.  I mean, she doesn’t look as bad as JWoww ShamWow during her interviews because ShamWow looks like she has no clue she’s even on TV at that point.
• Later at “du club” Snooki meets Keith.  Keith is an Irish dude disguised at a tanless Guido.  He’s got the low baseball cap, gray wife-beater, stupidly big silver chains and bracelets…everything that Snooki could almost want in a Jersey Shore hookup.  Snooki is smitten.  Stop the press, that should totally be the name of her spinoff reality show where she looks for love.  Forget “Snookin’ For Love” that’s too easy.  “Snooki is Smitten” is the way to go.  Anybronze, apparently Snooki’s pick up line is “Do you own a farm?”  Keith works on a farm but does not own one, yet.  We also learn that Snooki goes to Community College “upstate” because, you know, people go away to community college.  The conversation takes a sharp left turn on the walk home when Snooki tells Keith that she’s “been with” cows, sheep, goats, horses, and “delivered a freakin’ calf from a cow.”  I think that’s great as I would have assumed Snooki delivered a goat from a cow.  You know, community college….they teach you different things there.
• Meanwhile, Grandpa Situation brings back Paula from “da club.”  Paula is your typical Jersey Shore slampig and it’s no surprise when moments later she’s “doing sex” to Grandpa Situation in the hot tub.  Seriously, that hot tub must have so many crabs in it you could use them as rafts.  Snooki breaks up the sex games and skank-a-licious Paula and Grandpa Sitch take things back to his twin bed, but not before drunken Paula falls down a flight of stairs.  Like a thermometer in a turkey, this is a signal that she’s, clearly, ready for more sex. Ding! Hours later some beast-like-truck-driver-of-a-women is banging down their front door to pick up Paula for her first day of work.  After giving Paula a stern talking to, both “girls” leave the Jersey Shore house without her clothes from the night before.  That’s right America, this skank will be someone’s mother someday.  Sleep well.
• Quote of the Crapisode:  “Bro, at 27 years old, bro, I would never want to be like you” ~ Vinny to Grandpa Situation.  Unfortunately, Vinny, you’re actually not saying that to Grandpa Sitch, as you are just looking directly into the mirror.  You are him.  He is you.  She is they.  Us is them.  I, you, he, she, it, we, you, they.  You know what I mean?  I don’t.
• You guys aren’t going to believe this, but the next night the whole Summer’s Eve Brigage heads out to “da club.”  I know!  I was shocked too.  Even more shocking is that JWoww ShamWow is wearing one of her two outfits that she packed for the month.  You know, the bleached out jeans with holes up and down the legs and, you know, crust around the crotch?  Yeah those.  And her yellow shirt which make her boobs look like their cross-eyed.  I bet the entire outfit smells like ham and cigarettes.
• Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta meets Danielle, some chick apparently from Israel.  Our new Israeli friend apparently likes to pluck her eyebrows herself and gets a little more aggressive with that half way through.  The rest of her brows are filled in with a Sharpie.  Oh, she also looks 50.  Pauly D brings back the Israeli to the Gel Factory and their conversation is a nightmare.  He wants a kiss on the cheek, she wants him to come visit the Holyland.  Is that like Dollywood or Disneyland?  Are there rides?  Instead of riding teacups with Mickey Mouse perhaps you’re riding dreidel’s with Rabbi Shmuley?  I don’t know.  I have no idea what goes on in the Holyland.  All I know is that she loves being Jewish and won’t do naughty boom boom until she’s gets married.  Beyond that she seems like she’d cut off all your fingers, string them, and wear them as a necklace.  She seems nice.
• How come we’re 40 minutes into this 2 hour marathon and no one has been punched in the face yet?  They know this is one of the only reasons we watch, right?
• The Summer’s Eve Brigade head out to Atlantic City (the classier part of Jersey – I couldn’t type that without laughing) for the weekend.  While everyone sleeps as soon as they get to the hotel, Snooki takes a bubble bath with some champagne.  Move over Mr. Bubbles, because someone pour a little Ms. Snooki into that tub.  Careful, it’s slippery!
• On a very special episode of “Jersey Shore” after Grandpa Situation makes a 4th grade joke about Snooki having a couple of rolls, we learn that Snooki had an eating disorder that she just recently got over thanks to therapy.  Look, even I think that’s a very important issue, but what stood out more to me was that Snooki was seeing a therapist, yet the therapist never talked her about how it’s not normal to want to be a “Guidette?”  This must be the same therapist that “helped” Heidi and Spencer from The Hills.
• Things only get worse for My Little Snooki because once they get to the AC club and are dancing/seizing, Snooki takes a dive off the stage and onto the chair.  This doesn’t even phase Snooki, however, as once she safely lands in between the table and the back of the booth (screaming) she kneels up and starts pumping her arms and giving “west coast finger signs” with her hands.  Just a typical Friday night for our Snook.
• During Snooki’s fall from grace, Vinny is making out with some chick, who may or may not be “with penis”, then takes a 2 second break to go to the bathroom and that’s when Grandpa Situation (with his walker and oxygen tank) swoops in and starts making out with Vinny’s girl…from, literally, 2 seconds ago.  Grandpa Situation says something douchey like, “It’s a robbery, son.”  Why do white people that?  Why do they say “son?”  I know Grandpa Situation is technically Burnt Sienna and not white, but still.  He’s the worst on so many different levels.  Later, Vinny does have a great line when he asks Grandpa how his d*ck tastes after he stole his girl.  Who knew Vinny was funny?  Way to bring it out in the 11th hour, my friend, way to bring it out.
• Finally someone gets hit!  It took an hour, but was worth the wait.  After our delicate Oriental flower, JWoww, pukes in the bathroom of “da club” she kindly asks Grandpa Situation to walk her back to her room because she needs help.  Sitch won’t help her so she literally smacks him upside the head and immediately says, “let’s go upstairs.”  Brilliant!  This type of behavior, however, gets ShamWow kicked out of “da club” with 14 minutes left.  She decides to stay up and wait for Sitch to come home so she can knock him out, you know, like a true lady.
• When Grandpa Situation gets home from “da club” guess who’s there to greet him with a nice smile and kind words?  Correct!  JWoww ShamWow!  She legit winds back and hits him square in the jaw and then just says, “ok, goodnight.”  Why does this make me like JWoww ShamWow even more?  I hope she didn’t tear her nice jeans even more during this altercation.
• Sidenote, how come on Jersey Shore when the roommates fight each other they get rewarded with a trip and a second season, but on the Real World when someone gets hit they get kicked off the show?  Discuss.
• So you know who loves being Jewish?  Danielle the stalker.  She loves it.  She surprises Pauly D/Ellen Travolta on the boardwalk WHILE he’s already out with another girl, with a t-shirt she made for him that says “I Heart Jewish Girls” but instead of a “heart” it’s the Italian flag with the Star of David over it.  I’m not making this up.  She designed it and I’m pretty sure it was made with Puffy Paint.  Like a bull in heat during mating season, this chick is all nuts.
• Danielle the Israeli stalker is popping up all over the Jersey Shore like Where’s Waldo at the carnival.  Everywhere Pauly D is, she just shows up with an awkward smile on her face.  She keeps asking him when he’s going home and when he’s going to call her.  Didn’t they just meet last night?
• Meanwhile back at da house, Grandpa Sitch is cutting up pickles and placing them under Snooki’s bed while she sleeps so that, apparently, she smells even more like pickles than she normally does?  He’s also mixing up some cheese, mayo, pickle juice, and milk (official cologne of the Jersey Shore) and hiding it under Vinny’s bed.  Grandpa Sitch calls it “Haterade.”  Oh that Sitch.  What a trip.
• Later our Israeli stalkers calls DJ Pauly D for the 100th time and we are lucky to get another great quote which is, “You stalked my entire life on the Boardwalk.”  Bravo, Pauly D, bravo.  Although he does stay “you stalked my life” about 15 times.  He should switch it up a bit.
• Once again I must say the phrase, “Pooooooooor Snooki.”  This time she’s wearing a hot pink corset to “da club” so that her knockers are around chin level and she’s making out with some dude on the couch while her ass/crotch is visibly hanging out of her skirt.  I believe she is technically showing us her Snooki.  1 second after kissing this random dude, we learn that he has a girlfriend….who’s at “da club”….and is standing there……4 feet away…..watching them…..and laughing.  Pooooooor Snooki.  I want to give her a hug….and a Ricki Lake makeover.
• Finally, as with the end of every Jersey Shore episode, the gang is walking home and getting heckled from everyone on the street and a fight breaks out. The only funny part from the heckling was when the drunk chick asked Snooki why she was wearing her Halloween costume.  You KNOW that next Halloween everyone is going to dress up like Snooki.  Anyboo,  this time Ronnie runs up to the d-bag heckling him and, in one punch, knocks the guy out cold.  In the words of Ronnie while he is literally skipping away from the punch, “that’s one shot, that’s one shot kid, that’s one shot.”  The d-bag is knocked out on the ground and, for some inexplicable reason, with his ass up in the air.  Ronnie gets arrested and this ends the 16 hour episode.  Phew.  Next week is the season finale.  So soon?  See you there…or in hell….whichever happens first.

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Jersey Shore Recap | GTL: Gym, Tanning, Laundry

So I decided that drinking while watching Jersey Shore is just stupid.  I’m going to start taking Ecstasy and see how it goes.  I think I’ll peak during “da club” scenes and, well, if they happen to be dancing during those scenes I may just start dry-humping my couch.  Here’s what went down on the latest episode of Jersey Shore:

• We kick things off with a lesson on how to make a Guido.  It’s simple actually.  All you need to do is follow the GTL Rule.  What does GTL stand for, you ask?  Why it stand for Gym, Tanning, Laundry, but of course!  Vinny, who apparently is still on this show, informs us that every single day the guys go to the gym, go tanning, and do their laundry.  I assume the laundry is done every day due to gel drips and sweat pit stains.  Grandpa Situation even teaches us the importance of GTL and how it equates to a good night, but I lose the lesson as I become hypnotized by his peanut head and try to figure out if it’s smaller this week than last.  It is.  He is the Beettlejuice of our generation.
• The Duck Phone:  Every time the duck phone goes off in a scene I always think it’s my cell phone vibrating on the table.  I check it every time.  One day it will be and it will be Snooki calling me.
• Vinny’s talking to Grandpa Situation’s sister on the phone, who sounds like she just may be Rhea Pearlman.  They chit-chat like school girls in 4th period algebra for 45 minutes.  If Vinny had long hair, he could twirl it.  Is it odd that when Grandpa Situation has to call back his sister he has to look her phone number up in a small phonebook that pretty much looks like my autograph book that I brought with me to Disney World when I was in the 2nd grade?
• Grandpa Situation’s Sister Alert: Anyone remember the show Bosom Buddies when Tom Hanks used to dress up like a woman in some scenes?  Yeah, well, The Situation’s sister (Melissa) is 100% Grandpa Sitch with a weave.  I kept pausing it to see if they were just doing some fancy camera work.  The genius that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is says, “Uh, duh, uh, you guys look alike.”  Thanks for stating the obvious to them, Captain Random.  As a sidenote, will these guys careers be officially over once they start losing their hair?  Because it will happen. Although I would kinda like to see the blow out with a major receding hairline.  Get skills, guys, because it will all be over soon.
• Sweet!  The Ecstasy is kicking in just in time as the gang heads out to “da club.”  It’s a typical club scene for the cast of the Jersey Shore.  JWoww ShamWow is wearing a shirt where it looks like her boobs are trying to escape by way of her armpits and “pants” (??) that basically are just fishnet nylons that are probably holding her penis in place, Snooki is performing seizure-like dance moves while constantly fixing her hair, Grandpa Situation is choosing girls to go dance with him by, literally, picking them up by their crotches when they’re not looking, and Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie “No Nickname” are off to the side sipping their Sex on Beach and whispering in each others ear.  All typical.  Carbon copy, if you will.
• Why do the faces of Grandpa Situation and his sister, Melissa, look so old?  I don’t mean wrinkles and stuff.  It just looks old.  It’s weird.  It’s almost like those people that have that disease where they age way faster than they should and are really like 9 years old, but look like they’re 74.  What’s that called?  Well for now I’ll just call it Guidoitis.
• The Fred Flintstone Toe Fight of Horror: Whilst taking the van back to the Dep factory, Ronnie and Sammi get into the most ridiculous fight I’ve ever seen with my own eyes in my life.  Of course, this makes for one of the best scenes of the episode/season.  Sammi SweatStains is wasted and slurring her words like a champ.  She begins by telling Ronnie to shut his pie hole and then calls him a “stumpy bastard.”  Funny and true all at the same time.  Using his words as weapons, Ronnie references Sammi’s Flintstone big toe.  This, clearly, is the worst thing that could have ever been said to Sammi or anyone for that matter because Sammi is livid.  She feels disrespected and never wants to talk to Ronnie again.  Seriously, if he referenced her as Fred Flintstone camel toe, which she clearly has, I could understand her anger, but in this case it just goes to show what a psycho she is.  If anyone has the right to be pissed off and feeling disrespected right now it’s Fred Flintstone.
• Poor Snooki.  She meets her friend, Mike, at “da club” and he’s in the van with the crew heading back to the Dep factory to get a little nookie from the Snooki.  I feel like you could spin Snooki like a wing-nut when she’s going it.  Anyway.  Snooki let’s her friend, Mike, know that he can go back to “da club” with her Grandpa Sitch if he wants to go meet up with girls and drip sweat mixed with gel all over them.  The dude bails.  Immediately.  Like he’s just been pardoned by the Governor seconds before he was supposed to be executed.  In the words of our beloved Snooki, “He jumped out of the van like it was on F’n fire.”  Oh did he ever.
• The War on Flintstone continues back at the house and Ronnie is saying things like, “words were exchanged tonight that can never be taken back” and Sammi SweatStains is saying things like, “that is the worst thing you could ever say to me.”  Snooki is, for some reason that only our Lord and Savior seems to know, the voice of reason right now and tries to explain to Stumpy and Fred that this is the stupidest drunken fight that has ever taken place in the history of the world.  And that includes the time when Adam and Eve got into the fight over that whole apple tree in the Garden of Eden.
• Well folks it’s that time of the episode where Snooki gets the shit kicked out of her.  Honestly, check her contract because I bet it states in there that she has to get hit in every single crapisode.  Grandpa Situation’s drunken skank for the night (who was in an episode before) comes back to the Dep factory and brings her friend (The Grenade) and another friend who I can only describe as looking like a rabid elephant in heat during mating season.  Snooki follows the commands of Grandpa Sitch and asks The Grenade and The Rabid Elephant to leave the Dep factory.  Yeah, this doesn’t go over so well.  One girls calls Snooki a “nasty-ass-bitch” while falling into the wall and, well, hijinks now ensues.
• The Grenade is as white trash as you can possibly get at this point.  She’s saying things to Snooki like, “you ugly-ass bitch” and “you dumb-ass bitch” and “you short-ass bitch.” Everything is ass-bitch.  And, I mean, why shouldn’t it be?  The Rabid Eelephant in heat lunges at Snooki and, to be honest, I’m pretty sure that’s the first lunge and most exercise this chick has ever done (with the exception of probably running after a Jonas Brother or two for a half-a-block).  Gross.  The Rabid Elephant is being dragged away by one of the guys and her enormous gut is falling over her grey stretch pants with her tight tank top starting to ride up her back.  Almost every single word in that last sentence made me dry-heave.
• Right as the cops come and The Grenade and The Rabid Elephant are leaving, Sammi throws out a “You don’t even look Italian” comment to the girls.  Well next tot he Fred Flintstone toe comment from a few minutes ago, telling someone in the Jersey Shore that they don’t look Italian must be the worst insult of its kind because The Grenade loses her shit, pushes a police officer and says, “I will rock you bitch” to Sammi SweatStains.  I think I need a “Guidette to English” dictionary, STAT!  In the end, Snooki gets hit AGAIN in the face, right where she was hit that last time/last week, and one of the drunken girls gets arrested.  All a very quiet night at the Jersey Shore. I can’t wait for the next fight……which will start in about 10 minutes.
• Pauly D/Ellen Travolta lets us know that those girls were “White Trash.”  Well.  Isn’t that the sticky gel bottle calling the Guidette poof black!
• The “next day” Vinny’s entire family come to visit him and they bring large loaves of bread, distant relatives, trays of pasta, etc.  Whilst I want to make fun of his family, I can’t.  His mom seems really nice and caring and, well, even I can’t knock that.  I mean it was funny that she brought him some new packages of wife-beaters, but everything else was really nice of her.
• Well it’s been about 10 minutes, so that means it’s time for another fight!  While at “da club” Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is sitting next to some bald b-bag who is teeing off on him and Grandpa Situation all night.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta let’s him know that he doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.  The guys just keeps at it and tells him to go back to New York…and then Brooklyn….and then Staten Island.  I think that’s all the places in and around New York he knows.  Anyway, The Bald D-bag then follows Ronnie and Sammi (Stumpy and Fred) out of “da club” and down the boardwalk that looks like a constant 1970’s carnival.  The Bald D-bag and his blurred-out-face girlfriend are yelling 5th grade insults to each other.  Sammi pipes up a few more insults and then to my surprise a fight breaks out.  Who knew?!  Ronnie pushes Sammi when she keeps on antagonizing them and then the “Come at Me, Bro” fight begins.  We listen to Stumpy and The Bald D-bag say “come at me, bro” for about 10 minutes.  “Come at Me, Bro” is the new “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” just in case you were wondering.
• The girl with the blurred out face is all in Stumpy’s grill and he’s yelling out “Get away from me, I don’t know you” like a 5 year old running from a stranger who’s trying to lure them into their van with a puppy and some candy.  The Bald D-bag takes the first swing, which was basically like jazz hands on 10.  He misses, no joke, by about 15 feet.  However, that’s enough for Stumpy to just go after him and the next thing you know they’re making a Guido Souffle right there on the ground of the boardwalk.  Gel stains everywhere!  While Stumpy is beating the absolute piss out of The Bald D-bag on the ground, his blurred face girlfriend is literally giving Ronnie a wedgie.  Brilliant.  Moments later Sammi SweatStains gives the bald d-bag a wedgie too.  Ba da ba ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
• Meanwhile, the Duck Phone turns into the Bat Phone and Grandpa Sitch gets a call letting him know that Ronnie is, in process of, fighting on the boardwalk.  And just like that Batman and Robin (Grandpa Situation and Pauly D) leave the Dep factory and head out to the boardwalk.
• In the end, Stumpy and Fred flea the scene while the cops are there dealing with The Bald D-bag.  Stumpy is pissed at Fred and Fred is pissed at Stumpy for pushing her.  Sammi tries to tell Ronnie that she is traumatized after he pushed her and, well, so are my eyes for watching this episode.  I want an apology from the cast.  Anyway, Ronnie apologizes to Sammi and all is right with the world.  Another Guido/Guidette couple saved in the Jersey Shore!

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Jersey Shore Recap: The Episode Where Snooki’s Face Turns Into Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Oh MTV you are so tricky by airing a new crapisode of Jersey Shore on New Years Eve.  Did you think I wouldn’t stop what I was doing to put on Jersey Shore and then increase my alcohol intake by upwards of 93.5%?  Well, lucky for you I’m a drunk who has determination and even in the New Years Eve stupor I was in, I managed to catch the latest episode and, quite possibly, did so out of one eye.  Although, I must admit, seeing “double Snooki’s” is the best way to view the entire series.  Anypuff, here’s what went down on the aftermath of the Snooki punch.  And cue the bullet points:

• This crapisode picks right up where we left off two weeks ago, with Snooki laying on the floor of the bar with her Ed Hardy trucker hat directly beside her after she got punched in the mouth by, who I can only assume is, the kid who played DJ on “Roseanne.”  I must admit it was nice seeing everyone go after the guy who punched Snooki (Brad Ferro), but I began to scratch my chin when it looked like a rabid skunk was also throwing punches.  It wasn’t.  It was JWoww ShamWow.  I found myself yelling at the TV, “Someone Snooki punch that skunk off of JWoww’s head!”  I hate when the TV doesn’t yell back.
• The good news?  You apparently can’t punch the tan off of someones face.  The bad news?  Snooki is hurt.  She’s bleeding from the mouth and freaking the F out.  Of course she should be freaking out, but I’m a little surprised that isn’t her reaction every time she gets ready for a night out at “da club” and takes a glance in the mirror.  I jest.  I love me some Snookisauras Rex!
• Snooki started screaming, “Please don’t tell me I’m missing teeth” I immediately began the sketches for the t-shirts.  Sadly, if Snooki had just simply lowered her head down a few degrees south her “freakin’ poof” would have not only protected her face, but it would have shattered Brad Ferro’s hand.  Next time she’ll know.
• Meanwhile as the rest of the D-Bag Brigade is being questioned by the police, Grandpa Situation is trying is hardest to bring home this random chick on the street who looks like the picture definition of “Cougar Syphilis.”  The “girl” isn’t sure if she should go home with him because if she gets locked out of her apartment she’ll have to sleep in her car.  No joke.  And by “apartment” I’m sure she really meant “car” and by “car” I’m sure she really meant “back to the dumpster.”
• Snooki and JWoww ShamWow head back to Casa de Gold Chains and Snooki heads right to bed.  She needs her beauty rest.  Gulp.  Luckily though Ronnie “No Nickname” crawls into Snooki’s cocoon to tell her that they all love her and would go to jail for her, etc.  I would be more moved by these statements had I not been distracted by the fact that Snooki sleeps with her Ed Hardy trucker hat next to her on her pillow like it’s her stuffed animal.  I always assumed it was stored in a bullet proof glass case that can only be opened by an eye scan and then secret password (password: bronzer).
• And Enter Ronnie’s Mom:  Seriously, when Ronnie’s mom entered the scene the next day I could have sworn that I smelled Newport Menthol’s and heard someone yelling out “B5?  B5?  We have a Bingo in the hall, a Bingo in the hall!”  Sammi SweatStains is taking extra time to get ready so that Ronnie’s mom think she looks “pretty and stuff.”  Meanwhile Ronnie’s mom is all pissed off because it’s taking so long and she is missing out on “getting her tan on.”  Really?  I’m pretty sure if you stayed out of the sun until next New Years you’d still be as crispy as an oiled leather catchers mitt that’s been left on top of the dugout in the middle of July.
• Holy Snook!  Poor Snooki.  Her face is so jacked up and swollen that I had just assumed it was Mary Jo Buttafuoco walking around the kitchen with a tan.  Sadly, it wasn’t Mary Jo.  It was Snooki.  And she’s swollen.  The plus side, however, is that her poof is still centered perfectly on top of her head.  You may be able to knock down her spirit, but you can never (I repeat, NEVER) knock down her freakin’ poof.  Someone cut that thing off and place it in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC.
• Later JWOWW ShamWow gets all dolled up to take Snooki out for a drink.  Snooki couldn’t take the shot because her mouth isn’t working anymore and JWOWW looks like karma sexually violated her and left her for dead on the side of a Mexican highway during rush hour only to be picked up by  a pack of wolves, re-raped, skinned alive, and then some homeless dudes took her skin, made a coat out of it, and then took a shit down her throat.  So, yeah, she wasn’t looking too good.
• Snooki, who apparently has the duck phone down to a near science, is calling an automated recording that lets her know the douche who punched her in the lips is out of jail.  It’s basically like MoviePhone, but for white trash girl beaters.  If. You. Know. The. Name. Of. The. Douche. Who. Hit. You. Press 1.  For. A. List. Of. Douches. Who. Were. Just. Released. And. May. Be. Available. To. Hit You. Tonight. Press 2.  Para. Espanol. Numero Tres.
• Being the best Guidette’s they can be, Sammi SweatStains and JWoww ShamWow give Snooki about 3 seconds to digest the information that her attacker is out of the clink before they ask her if she wants to go tanning and then talk about Sammi “doing sex” to Ronnie.  So basically not only was Snooki attacked, but my eyes and ears have been assaulted as well.  And I’m pressing charges.
• So can someone get me a “Pauly D Lingo Decoder” because I have no clue what the hell he is ever talking about.  He’s on the phone with “da club” and I think he wants to DJ there for a night.  He says, “I see his spot has some potential and I throw down some sick mix and that’ll bring people to the spot.”  Sooooooo……he wants to DJ there or he’s just leaving a message on the voicemail of the last chick he banged to let her know to get tested?  It’s hard to tell.  Anyone?  Anyone?  I’m going with the later.
• Did Vinny always have a wonky eye or did he just get that?  Side effects of Pink Eye from episode one?
• Grandpa Situation decides to cook up an unworthy feast of lobster and steaks.  The lobsters are alive before they are killed (which Snooki doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of.  P.S –>  Snooki is a Vet Tech so, well, you all do what you need to do with that piece of information), but I’m surprised they ever make it into the pot because the lobsters can, literally, just clamp onto any of the dozens of gold and silver chains hanging off the necks of any of the guys.  Regardless, Snooki attempts to eat dinner but is “disabled” and can’t really eat which, honestly, won’t be the worst thing for a day or two.  What?  Just sayin’.  I love Snooki.  Anyway, her mouth won’t work so trying to tackle corn on the cob probably wasn’t the smartest idea.  Sidenote, once again ShamWow looks like she’s in a meth daze again.
• Ahoy Guido’s!  The “next day” the gang heads out to F Cove on the SS Fuggetaboutit (literally) for a day of sizzling in the sun.  Everyone is “beating the beats” and even JWoww ShamWow is getting into the festivities by swimming over to another boat of old fat men and gets pulled into their boat like she’s she’s a shark carcass.  Seriously it’s like they’re fishing for JWowws.  It’s like that moment when you think you caught a fish and start to reel it in and then quickly discovered you only caught an old leather boot.  So, yeah, that’s basically what happened.
• However, the fun ends when Ronnie wants to go home and decides to just body slam Snooki into the water.  No joke, this show should just be called, “Snooki Just Gets the Piss Kicked Out of Her.”
• You know what I’ve realized?  I just like watching people drink and fight each other on television.  A few nights later we get the privilege of not only seeing JWoww ShamWow put on every piece of bedazzled denim that has been made, but we also get to see her throw a drink in a girls face and then fight her for calling Snooki fat.  Seriously if it wasn’t for JWoww, this would have been the third time in one episode where we see Snooki get attacked.
• In the end, DJ Pauly/Ellen Travolta gets to DJ at “da club” while the gang does dance moves that I feel should require, by law, resuscitating equipment and a seizure warning, while Grandpa Situation gets stood up for his lunch and dinner date, and Vinny lands himself a trailer park cougar who just happens to be the boss’ girlfriend.  Vinny gets worried once he figures this out and is afraid he’ll get fired from his job…which, just as a friendly reminder, is basically at a t-shirt stand on the Jersey Shore boardwalk.  Seriously, kills yourselves and me all at the same time.

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Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki’s Crotchless Backflips, a New Form of Interpretive Dance at the Jersey Shore

 

 

• This week we finally get our answer to last weeks cliffhanger.  Similar to the “Who Shot J.R.” from the 1980’s, we get to learn if Sammi Sweetheart kills Ronnie and JWoww ShamWow for leaving “da club” and possibly having “da sex” with each other.  Spoiler Alert:  A murder does not take place.  Although I am filing charges against MTV for assault and battery on my brain and other mental damage side effects from watching this crap.
• Sammi SweatStains is visibly upset from what Ronnie did at “da club” and we, as viewers, know this because she is taking out pieces of her fake hair whilst she confronts Ronnie who, for some reason, is in his towel.  Similar to the “Out, Out, Damn Spot” from Macbeth, Sammi is releasing her guilt as pieces of her hair are removed from her over-tanned head.  Damn I’m getting wicked intellectual and sh*t from watching this junk ‘yo!
• Additional Things That Don’t Make Sense to Me:  Why Sammi and Ronnie are both crying (I’m embarrassed for myself), why Sammi is equating their 3 days of knowing each other to a relationship, and why Ronnie keeps saying “the equation.”  He keeps saying “you in the equation, the equation, you’re in the equation.”  The Equation + The Situation = The Brain Rot.
• Once again I ask, why is half this show filmed in “Sepia?”  At at moment I’m waiting to see the cast break out into the Charelston.
• Well it’s time to make another big hot bowl of STD Stew in the hot tub and Grandpa Situation and Pauly D have two skanky ingredients for the recipe.  A blond Jersey chic with an obligatory BumpIt and her equally busted friend are the two ingredients of choice.  They simmer their crusty crotches into the hot tub and wait for it to come to a boil.  Grandpa Situation let’s us know that “They’re gonna have sex and that’s the situation.”  Uh, “the situation” is also something I like to call “a little trip to the free clinic for some special topical creams.”  So, yeah, that’s the situation too.
• While Pauly D and Grandpa Sitch take “da girls” into “da beds” Pauly D lets us know that his girl is “on her period” so there won’t be any sex for him.  He says it so matter of fact.  It’s like, dude we have ears and we just heard you say that.  No boundaries.  In the end the skanks break free from the “crab farm” and decide to go home.  While the cameras did not show it, it is assumed that Grandpa Situation locked himself in the bathroom and made out with the mirror until he “finished” in Pauly D’s gel bottles.
• It’s not all bad news though, because true musty love is in the air and JWoww ShamWow talks to her boyfriend over the duck phone while a skunk, apparently, is making sweet love to her hair.  They decide to leave things as “status quo” and her boyfriend promises to not give her crap for having a penis.  Fine, I made that part up, but I’m still convinced.
• So, is Vinny in this show anymore….or no? 
• The next day, after work, Sammi Sweetpea and Ronnie “No Nickname” make sweet-sticky-burnt-skin-gel’d-love in the guest room while a camera from the ceiling catches their every move.  Sammi tells us that they had sex and Ronnie tells us “we smooshed.”  Oh yeah, well I puked and poured bleach all over my body, so what’s that called?
• We get to see the girls go through their full ritual of getting ready for a night out and by “the girls” I am of course referring to “the guys.”  They go tanning, hit the gym, and then end their day by all going to the barber shop and chit-chattin like school girls in 5th period algebra. Not quite sure why sometimes Grandpa Situation speaks like he’s not actually white, sometimes, but that is the case.  Oh, and no white dude should be calling another white dude “son” unless the said person is, in fact, their son.
• Now I’m not quite sure if this is from the 6-pack I just killed in the first 30 minutes of this show or if my eyes actually saw Snooki doing back-flips at “da club” with her crotch hanging out of her skirt.  Rewind, yup.  Rewind, yup.  Rewind, yup there it is.  Snooki’s snatchy is being blurred out with every back-flip she’s doing on the dance floor and JWow ShamWow says, “It’s the best thing I ever saw in my life.”  Agreed.  If you ever wanted to see a Smurf’s vaginastein upside down under a black-light then this is the scene to tune into.  Now the results haven’t come in yet, but it is quite possible that Snooki is not a full person, but just one giant, tanned, shaved, dancing vagina….with extensions.
• I have to admit that the dancing portion of any Jersey Shore crapisode is typically my favorite.  JWoww ShamWow dances like a truck-driver in heat and continuously runs towards the person she’s dancing with as if she’s in a race with herself.  However, in this race, folks, we all win.  We all win.  Pauly D is speaking in foreign tongues, I believe, because he is informing us that while dancing they’re “beating up the beat.”  Apparently you start off with fist pumps, then you slap at the floor, then you slowly rise up and punch and kick all at the same time.  Beat up ‘dat beat.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure “the beat” won this time Pauly, I’m pretty sure “the beat” won this time.
• Grandpa Situation and Pauly D (who’s looking more and more like Charles’ mother from “Charles in Charge” (Ellen Travolta…Google it) decide to take these two girls home for the night. (Click on the link below to read the rest of the Jersey Shore Recap and for a Surprise!)

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Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki Licks Pickles While Angelina Breaks Up With Her Married Boyfriend, All Before the BBQ Grill Catches Fire. Yup, Just Another Day at the Jersey Shore.

 

Fistpump is the new cowbell and there is plenty-o-fistpump worthy scenes in the latest crapisode of Jersey Shore.  From sucking pickles to same sex douche-bag-stew make out sessions in the frialator/hot-tub, wax off your eyebrows and buckle up because it’s time for another Jersey Shore recap!

• We pick up the morning after Pauly D and JWoww hooked up at “da club.”  To no surprise, first thing in the morning JWoww looks like she’s been gang-banged and left for dead by the karma monster and her fright-wig has seemed to turn a few additional strands of white.  I don’t even understand her hair.  I mean, is it a combover-mullet or no?  It looks like it’s been completely removed and then placed back on her scalp during a violet Category 5 Hurricane.  Wait, I finally think I know what “JWoww” stands for!  JWoww:  Janky  Wig  On  Whitetrash Woman.  JWoww.
• Pauly D, on the other hand, wakes up without a hair out of place and “Troll Doll fresh” thanks to 4 pounds of gel.  His pillow, however, must have shattered into a million pieces once his head hit it.  Anypoof, Pauly D is kind enough to remind JWoww that she kissed him with her tongue last night at “da club” and, to be honest, she looks relieved that he didn’t say, “You showed me your penis, JWoww.”
• Meanwhile at the T-Shirt store that looks like it smells like the basement of a church, Sammi Sweetheart and Grandpa Situation are “working” which consists of standing in front of the store and talking about themselves.  While I used to think that Grandpa Situation looked like a Q-Tip, I now realize he looks more like a light bulb.  With all the time he spends at the gym, you would think he’d focus at least one day on working out his legs, which look a lot like Kelly Ripa’s.  Light Bulb Situation in full effect.
• SnookiTime!  Snooki is looking to get a little greasy Guido loving from someone, anyone in fact. If you put some gold chains and an Ed Hardy T-shirt on a plan, she’d f*ck it.  So she puts on every Guidette prop that she can find: hot pink trucker hat that says “Pornstar in Training,” clear sunglasses, tight black wifebeater that hugs her FUPA in all the right places, and a pickle.  Yes, a pickle.  Snooki  licks and sucks a pickle whilst chatting with her housemates.  She even informs us that she eats a pickle in a “specific way.”  That way, you ask?  Well, she sucks the juice out first and then eats the rest of the pickle.  Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!  Looks like someone can now add an additional bullet point to their resume!!!! 
• This must be the episode where the producers allow everyone to invite anyone they know to the house.  JWoww ShamWow is waiting in front of the house with her gut hanging over the top of her shorts and her rats nest frolicking in the wind for her boyfriend, Tommy.  Tommy does show up and to my surprise he’s a tall Irish kid with red hair and wearing a suit.  Kidding.  He’s a Guido.  His hair is buzzed as thin as his eyebrows and he’s wearing his standard tribal t-shirt with grey sweatpants and a gold chain.  Do you think when all these Guido’s are in the same room at the same time it’s like trying to get out of the House of Mirrors at the carnival?
• Meanwhile, Angelina invites her friends, Alana and Elena, to come to the house as well.  This isn’t enough for her, so she calls up her boyfriend to meet her and her friends at “da club” later that night.  Seriously, does everyone live on the same block at the Jersey Shore? 
• As the Douche-Bag Brigade begins to get ready for a night out, Vinny puts on a tie and the reaction is priceless.  JWoww ShamWow wants to know why he’s getting “so dressed up” for “da club.”  She makes it seem like he’s in a 3 piece suit and on his way to the Academy Awards.  It’s a tie.  It’s purple. It’s sold at “Hot Topic” in the mall.
• Is it ok to admit that I love when the Guido’s and Guidette’s go to “da club?” It’s great.  I love to watch them dance, as it’s like watching a rabid raccoon with turrets dig through the trash.  Oh, and when they choose a club that has a lot of black-lights?  Brilliant. It’s like just looking at a sea of floating eyes and teeth. Somewhere, puking her lunch out over a toilet, Audrina from The Hills is smiling.
• Not all happiness can be found at “da club” though.  Angelina’s married boyfriend is there and they basically break up.  One more time.  Angelina’s married boyfriend.  Married boyfriend.  Married.  I mean, if you can’t hit “tilt” on the “Whitetrash-o-Meter” before all this, now you admit and show on national television that you go out with a married dude?  Remember when you had to have some type of talent to be on TV? 
• The “next day” Angelina is supposed to go to work at the T-Shirt store and decides to just not go.  She actually sees nothing wrong, at all, with just not going and not calling to tell them.  However, she must have remembered the episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy didn’t want to go to school so she pretended she had a cough, because Angelina carted her fat ass to “the office” practicing her cough the whole way and told her boss that she wasn’t feeling good so she wouldn’t be working today.  He’s pissed and Angelina, literally, can’t seem to figure out why.  She claims she didn’t call earlier because she didn’t have the phone number to work.  Seriously.  I hope that whatever job in the future she interviews for, the person interviewing her makes her watch this clip and asks for her reaction.  She’s a complete goon.
• Danny, the boss, rides what I can only assume is Jack Tripper’s bike to the Jersey Shore house to confront Angelina.  Angelina decides that she’ll only talk to him in the bathroom or she won’t talk to him at all.  Huh?  Danny lets Angelina know she can’t live in the house if she doesn’t work.  He’s telling her this through the bathroom door with the water running.  Even I’m lost at this point.  He leaves and then Angelina exits the bathroom with a black bag and a CVS bag filled with sh*t.  Did she just rob herself?
• Angelina decides to leave the house/show for good and her roommates couldn’t give less of an F if they tried.  She grabs her garbage bags, loads up the car, and is off.  Odd, I’ve never seen trash take itself out before.
• Meanwhile, JWoww ShamWow tells her boyfriend over the duck phone that she messed up big time at “da club” but she still loves him.  He, of course, hangs up on him and now JWoww claims she’s going to be the biggest pig she can be as a single girl.  She says, and I quote, “I guess I’m gonna show my true side.  My dirty, filthy, f*ckin’ true side.”  Ugh, someone get the abortion clinic on speed dial.  It’s going to be a messy rest of the season!
• Oh Snap Alert:  Someone broke out of the trailer park because Snooki’s friend “Ryder” is hanging out with her for the night.  If you ever wanted to know what walking meth looked like, this is it. 
• Watching Snooki and Ryder try to dance in the bar is a dream come true.  I wasn’t sure if it was technically dancing or if they were just trying to shake the sh*t out form their shorts, but either way it was entertaining to watch.  Even the fat toothless man, who looks like an obese Super Mario, in the background can’t believe what his one good eye is seeing!
• Snooki brings Ryder back to the house so that everyone can  enjoy the hot tub.  Blah.  That water must be so clumpy from all the oil and gel.  I picture them like seagulls caught in an oil slick during the Exxon Valdez crisis.
• Snooki decides to make out and kiss all over Ryder whilst in the hot tub.  It’s like watching a mother bird trying to feed her baby bird, if the mother bird was Rhea Perlman and the baby bird was Jodie Sweetin during her meth days.
• Also while in the hot tub, Snooki has her trucker hat on, Vinny has his sunglasses on, and someone else is wearing gold chains.  Since when do you need to be in full costume to go in the hot tub?
• Grandpa Situation gets a little play too, as Snooki decides to start kissing him.  As they make out, I’m completely lost on the conversation.  Grandpa Situation tells Snooki she better start washing dishes now and Snooki responds by saying, “F*** you, F*** my F****** A**.” Someone sew that onto a throw pillow.
• The next day is BBQ day and Grandpa Situation has to help Pauly D light the grill, which they both fail in doing so they just take a torch to it.  No joke, they did.  To no surprise the grill catches on fire and they need to put it out with a fire extinguisher.  Honestly, with all the gel that was just around that grill fire I’m shocked the house didn’t explode and leave all the Guido’s and Guidette’s with their heads on fire, running around like human match sticks.
• In the end, they hit up “da club” for the 5^thtime, and the dancing continues.  Ronnie is having what I can only assume is a seizure on the dance floor.  He’s bopping up and down like “Whack-a-Mole.”  JWoww ShamWow puts on her same old crusty pair of bleached out jeans and a shirt that barely contains her Guidboobs. 
• One second Sammi Sweetheart and Ronnie are sharing a nice moment of Guido/Guidette love and next thing you know all hell breaks loose when Ronnie “rabies dances” with some girl.  Sweetheart is pissed so she decides to talk to her friend “the cop,” as they call him, and gives him her number.  JWoww ShamWow tells Ronnie what just happened, which I can’t believe she could even see it with the sea of Ed Hardy in “da club” that is pretty blinding. 
• Ronnie goes home and passes out in his twin-bed.  JWoww leaves too and Sweetheart is told that they went home together.  Ruh-Roh!  Sweetheart peaces out of “da club” to drunken confront Ronnie and JWoww.  Da da duuuuun!

Next week is the episode that everyone has been talking about when Snooki gets punchedat the bar.  Yowza!

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Who Punches Snooki in the Face on Jersey Shore, You Ask?

Check Out the “Jersey Shore” Craptastic Recap, Sponsored by AquaNet!

IBBB’s Jersey Shore recaps are apparently the new Hills and The City recaps, which is fine by me!  Also, people seem to think that somehow I know these people or work on the show.  I don’t.  I just watch, in horror, from the comfort of my apartment with a moderate beer buzz and hands partially covering my eyes.

Everyone seems to want to know who punches Snooki in the face during this craptastic season of MTV’s Jersey Shore.  My first guess would, of course, be “karma,” but after doing a little ghetto research, I may have found the answer.  According to a Philadelphia newspaper from August 2009, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, don’t sue me, allegedly, allegedly, I have nothing to sue over, allegedly, a drunk man from New York, Brad Ferro (23 yrs-old) punched a female cast member (Snooki) square in her over-tanned, caked-on-makeup, Guidette face….AFTER stealing her drink at the bar.  Surprisingly, Brad Ferro’s hand didn’t shatter in 14 different places after it came in contact with Snooki’s “faccia brutta.”

According to the police report, Ferro was arrested on simple-assault and disorderly-person charges and Snooki was not treated.   Not even to a full Ricki Lake style makeover?  Let down.

I, personally, was surprised it was considered assault since I thought that’s just how people in New Jersey said “hello” to each other.  Rumor has it, that had Ferro been from New Jersey and not New York, one Ms. Nicole Snooki would be married to him today and living a juiced-up-tanned-out-Guido-Guidette-dream-life on the Jersey Shore with two baby girls, both with tiny little “freakin’ poofs” on top of their heads.

Looks like we’ll just have to stay tuned to watch this scene in terror and wait to hear Snooki say, “Who hits a girl!?!”

And remember, friends, it’s never ok to hit a girl.  If you get the urge, just hit yourself in the face.  Deal?  Deal!

Play the trivia game “Jersey Shore Hair…or Just an Animal?” by clicking on the video below:

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Jersey Shore Recap: Uh…So I Hear Someone Has a Full Time Job For Me?

Well, well, well.  So we meet again, bitches.  IBBB’s “The City” and “The Hills” recaps aren’t even cold in their grave yet, but I could not pass up the opportunity to check out Jersey Shore and throw a little recap against the wall and see if it sticks.  All I have to say is that I got skin cancer just from watching the first 4 minutes of the crapisode.  Wondering why most countries hate us?  Well I have 4 words for you:  Snooki.

Let’s take a moment to meet the cast of Jersey Shore, yeah?  This next paragraph is sponsored by AquaNet.

Pauly D – Pauly D loves being a “Guido.”  He spends 25 minutes on his hair to make it look like a cross between the centerpiece of a dinner table during Christmas and a Troll Doll.  Pauly D is (fist) pumped to be heading to the Jersey Shore from Rhode Island, so much in fact that he’s making sure to pack his 14 tubes of gel.  Luckily he’s driving because security at the airport would not allow him to bring his head through the security checkpoint as there is more than 3 ounces of gel in his hair alone.

Nicole aka Snooki – Snooki, the spawn of Lil Kim and Danny Devito has a dream, you guys.  And her dream is to move to New Jersey, meet a hot, tanned, “juiced” Guido and live her life as a Guidette.  I know homeless people who wouldn’t even move to Jersey and that includes if Oprah bought them a furnished/paid for house there.  Snookie wears her hear in a “poof” to pay homage to the BumpIt and keeps it in place by what I can only assume is a banana-clip.  She’s loud, has a snaggle tooth, minimal eyebrows, and her FUPA meets her tanned boobs in all the right places.  In one word, she’s a dream come true.

Mike “The Situation” – Mike is the grandfather of the group and will now only be referred to as “Grandpa Situation” since the tanning has aged him about 24 years.  He’s proud to not only be a Guido, but an Italian Guido.  He’s called “Grandpa Situation” because he has abs and is sure to show them off any chance he gets, which is good, I guess, because it takes away from his Q-Tip sized head.  Grandpa Sitation works out 5 days a week, smokes cigarettes in his car, and tans….all normal in the Guido world.  One can’t figure out how he so tanned that he’s gone from brown, to red, to orange, and now to what I can only assume is Burnt Sienna.

Sammi Sweetheart – Sweetheart is self-described as the “sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet, but don’t f*ck with me.”  She too is looking for the hottest Guido in “da club” and is working on being the best Guidette she can be.  She claims this means having good hair, tanned skin, and “cakes on the makeup.”  Sweetheart has a little something to say to you if you’re NOT a Guido.  “Get the f*ck out of my face.”  She’s talking to you, Thomas Shamus O’Brien!

Vinny – Vinny a “generational Italian” from Staten Island (go figure) is college educated, lives at home with his family, and has his mother cook and clean for him.  A potential future wife-beater, Vinny can frequently be found in “da club” fist pumping with chronic pit-stain problems.  When he’s not driving around in his yellow car and getting his eyebrows waxed, he’s having fun by wearing his sunglasses in “da club.”  Sadly, Vinny will be the most normal on this show.

Jenni “JWoww” – JWoww loves grinding with “da guys” at “da club,” is burnt to a crisp and has fake boobs that are so far apart they look like Kermit the Frog’s eyes.  She frequently wears tight jeans that have been totally bleached out in spots, which really makes the white streaks in her hair pop!  So is anyone going to mention the fact that she has a penis too?  No?  Ok then.  Current Probable Job: Truck driver of a 16-wheeler.  Future Probable Job: 18-wheeler.

Ronnie – Ronnie is the workout king thanks to a lot of “As Seen on TV” products that are scattered around his house.  He, too, likes to tan, gel his hair, get haircuts, and wear big gold chains.  He believes that when he takes his shirt off the girls just come to him like “flies on sh*t” so, yes, he did just equate himself to sh*t.  When he’s not carrying around non-human-sized jugs of Protein Whey, he spraying his cologne, and taking his shirt off.  I’m sensing an overall theme here.

Angelina – Angelina is the self-described “Kim Kardashian” of the Jersey Shore. Ah yes, aim high, Angelina, aim high.  She’s not only proud to be tanned and a Guidette, but also because she has real boobs and a “fat ass” according to her….and my eyes.  She should be proud of her thunder thighs too.  You do not want to get on her bitchy size because she can cuss you out with her speed-talking-slurred-jumbled-words and, well, no one needs that.

Well now that we’re caught up with who we’re watching, let’s discuss the remaining 2-hours of the show, that I cursed MTV the whole time.  This section is sponsored  by:  Draka Noir.

• Everyone couldn’t be more excited to get to the Jersey Shore house, well actually Pauly D is the most excited because he’s never been to Jersey and wants to see what it looks like.  Hint:  Take a dump in a blender, toss in 2 cups of sand, 1 rotten egg, and “mix” for 2 minutes.  Remove cover.  Look inside blender.  That’s Jersey.
• All of the Lord’s Guido’s and Guidette’s are deciding who gets what rooms, based on who they think is a douche-bag or not.  Is there a way to really win at that game?  Poor Snooki.  She’s driving and swearing all whilst her banana-clip is attached to her steering wheel and her car breaks down.  She’s one of the last to arrive and is ready to party it up and does she ever!
• Angelina actually arrives last and brings her clothes in a garbage bag.  Ironic.  The joke writes itself.
• By the way, why is half of this show filmed in “Sepia?”
• The Jersey Shore house is kind of a sh*t hole.  MTV, clearly, spent under $100 dollars on this, but everyone is so happy.  As I look around the room it appears that everyone is wearing every accessory that Aldo Shoe’s sells in the mall.  I also realize that, God-forbid, there was a fire, everybodys head would be up in flames, like running torches, in a matter of nano-seconds.
• Snooki gets trashed in the matter of minutes, which is weird because both Lil Kim and Danny Devito can both hold their alcohol.  Well not Snooki.  She isolates herself from the rest of the group, who begin to all make fun of her for being “stupid” behind her back, which is kinda like listening to people wheelchairs making fun of someone for not being able to walk.  Snookie puffs up her poof and then heads into the hot tub with all the guys and takes off her dress/shirt and goes in with her bra and thong.  She then tries to get sexy with all the guys in the hot tub, but it’s like watching when a skunk falls into a pool.  And she has more rolls on her back than a walking bread salesman at an Arabian market.  Finally she ends up falling down the stairs and then falling asleep on a hammock whilst the rest of the Douche-Bag Brigade head out to explore their new toxic/smoggy surroundings.
• Snookie + Duck Phones = Disaster. 
• We learn that JWoww has a boyfriend and the guys really seemed pissed by this.  I’m not sure why as it looks like she’s been hit in the face with a bouquet of dicks.  And, still, no one seems to be asking if she’s got a set of balls down her pants.  Odd.
• Similar to The Real World, the Guido’s and Guidettes have a job that they must go to.  You guessed it!  They’re working at a T-shirt store!  Seriously, the store looks like it smells like Sears, and I had a seizure just looking at it.  Lil Snooki Devito is late for her first day of “selling t-shirts” because she’s been puking all morning.  She’s upset because no one will hold her BumpIt whilst she pukes in the toilet.  Hey, it’s Jersey, just puke outside!
• Later that night the Guido’s invite these “girls” that were walking by their house to come up to go in the hot tub.  These girls literally looked like they washed up on shore.  I’m pretty sure one still had seaweed on her leg and the other had a clam clamped to her boob.  Everyone gets in the hot-tub to make a nice big pot of Douche-Bag Stew, sprinkled with a dash of STDs.  I’m surprised all the guys weren’t screaming to not get their hair wet, but let’s face it, the gel as cemented at this point anyway.  The girls who washed up on shore have now taken their thongs off in the hot tub and made their parents proud all at the same time.  Good luck on that job interview, girls, at the……nail salon.  Fine nevermind, I’m almost positive that getting into a strangers hot tub and removing your underpants within the first 3 minutes is a requirement of landing a job at a nail salon anyway.  My bad.
• Everyone is making out in the hot tub and doing the “three-way-kiss” like it’s Spring Break 1998 all over again.  I actually just got crabs looking at this scene so, well, that sucks.  Sweetheart and Angelina, the Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett of our generation, are pissed that skanks are making a stew in their hot tub.  Angelina is especially pissed at Grandpa Situation because she thinks that he and Sweetheart have already made a special connection in the 14 minutes that they’ve been in the house.  Angelina says, “You’re not The Situation, you’re no situation.”  Yup.
• Seriously, I think Snooki has permanent brain injuries from that hair poof being too tight.  While the rest of the girls in the house are bitching about the skanks that the guys brought home, Snooki is in bed and thinking that they’re talking about her, which CLEARLY they are not.  Snooki decides she’s going to leave because, well, she gave it a good 5 hours and if she doesn’t bond with these people in the first 5 hours, she never will.  I find it most shocking, however, that Snooki knows how to pack up a suitcase all by herself.  Who’s a good girl?  Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl, Snooki, you are!
• Guido Question of the Day:  Do you need to wear a new “wife-beater” each time you put one on or can you get a certain amount of washes out of it before the pit-stain begin to eat the fabric?
• In the end, Snooki decides she going to stay, partially because she thinks she should give it a fair chance and partially because she knows that deep-down she’s spent her life savings on tanning and BumpIts and has nothing else going on in her life besides this show.
• While this show does make my brain rot with delight, the fact that this season premiere is 2 hours makes me want to wax off my eyebrows and draw them back in with a Sharpie.  For the final 45 minutes I’m just giving a bit of an overview.
• Everyone must work different shifts at the T-shirt store.  Want to check out some really good Jersey t-shirts?  Check out Jersey Sucks for all your Jersey t-shirt needs.  Anyway, Grandpa Situation has his own “selling style” which consists of showing all the douchey customers his abs.  I’m pretty sure that’s the way that Henry Ford sold his first car.  JWoww has her own selling style too, which I assume it signing each t-shirt sold with her penis.
• To no surprise when the Douche-Bag Brigade decides to get ready to go out for the night it consists of a lot of aresol hair spray, a lot of poof, and…wait for it….wait for it…wait for it….Ed Hardy t-shirts!  Whilst at “da club”  the fist pumping is in full force and Pauly D and JWoww start grinding their different color tanned bodies against each other.  Once he puts his hands on her stonewashed/bleached jeans she goes in for the kill and a kiss takes place.  JWoww lets us know that she “technically” cheated on her boyfriend.  Bonus points for knowing the word “technically” but it was not needed in that sentence because there isn’t a way to “non-technically” cheat.  I am surprised, however, that their heads didn’t form a glue and stick together due to the combination of heat, sweat, gel, and AquaNet. 
• The “party” continues back at the house.  JWoww figures out that Pauly D has his penis pierced.  I was waiting for her to say, “My penis is pierced and my scrotum is too, wanna see!?”  Meanwhile Snooki brought someone home too.  She really caught herself a winner because while sitting on the roofdeck waiting to see the sunrise, her “date” passes out, wakes up, sits up and projectile vomits.  I’m gonna say that one again.  PROJECTILE VOMITS.  Snooki then makes him finish puking over the deck railing and onto the streets of the Jersey Shore just like everyone else in Jersey does.  Snooki walks her puking date home and decides not to kiss him because he has “pukey breath.”  That Snookie!  What a class act!
• The “next day” we learn that Vinny has full blown AIDS.  Oh, pink-eye?  Oh.  He made it seem like he was dying of AIDS.  It’s just pink-eye.  He has to miss work and needs someone to cover his shift until 9pm, but the girls will only cover his shift until 7pm because they legit need from 7pm – 11:00 to get ready in order to go out by 11:30.  The guys are shocked by this, but it makes sense to me, espcially with JWoww.  2 hours to push her boobs as far apart as humanly possible, and the remaining 1 hour to tuck her penis.
• Well it’s another night at “da club” and all seems normal to me so far.  People are fist pumping, shirts are coming off, hair and eyebrows are glistening in the camera lights, and JWoww and Pauly D start to kiss.  Yup, all is normal.  That is until JWoww disappears from “da club” so she can go home and not cheat on her boyfriend, but that’s not before she apparently stops at the store to buy ham and water.  Yes, ham.  I’ll assume the slices of ham are needed so she can somehow create a faux-vagina for herself whilst her penis is tucked under her legs.  The water?  Well, to keep things sanitary of course!
• Meanwhile back at “da club” Sammi Sweetheart starts kissing Grandpa Situation.  Next thing you know some time passes and she’s kissing Ronnie.  Ruh-roh Reorge!    Grandpa Situation does not like this situation at all and a “Middle Fingers War” begins between Sammi Sweetheart and Grandpa Situation.  Later, after there is a cease-fire in the Middle Fingers War, a fight breaks out between Pauly D and some other Guido who is not on the cast.  A punch is thrown and next thing you know there is Guido chaos everywhere.  All you see is spikey heads all banging into each other and gold chains flying all over the place.  It is reminiscent of a Thanksgiving dinner at “Growing up Gotti.”
• They all finally make it home.  The guys bring back some girls they found on the street and the girls at the house are not happy with this.  I understand their concern as a grease-fire could break out at any moment.  Sammi Sweetheart decides that she has feelings for Ronnie and not Grandpa Situation and I’m almost certain Ronnie isn’t even aware he’s on a television show.
• In the end they all decide they love each other like brothers and sisters and all is right with the world.
• Fist pump is the new cowbell.

Overall when this show goes back to just one hour I think it will be more tolerable.  While most are already saying this is their guilty pleasure, I don’t feel guilty about watching it one bit.  For me, it teaches me to never tan too much, thank God I gave up gel in the mid 90’s, and be grateful that after this series ends I won’t be forced to live out my remaining days working in a toll-booth on a bridge in New Jersey.  Phew!

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Play the trivia game “Jersey Shore Hair…or Just an Animal?” by clicking on the video below:

 

By the way, can you find me in the above photo? Good, good for you.  You shout it out when you know the answer, good.  Like the t-shirt?  You know you do.  Buy some great Jersey Sucks t-shirts at JerseySucks. I don’t own (really) has asked me to re-partner up with them to sell some “Jersey Sucks” t-shirts.  Seriously, they’re brilliant.  Check out some of the slogans like: “Jersey Sucks,”  “New Jersey Transit. Haulin the Trash,”  “Dirty Jersey” and more!