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Jersey Shore Recap Season Finale: Goodbye to Gorilla Central

Today is a highly emotional day around the corporate headquarters of IBBB, as we bid farewell to Jersey Shore.  It’s times like this I scream up to the heavens, “Why God?  Why do you put good things in our life just to take them away from us!?”  It’s too soon.   It’s. Just. Too. Soon.  I would like to start this Jersey Shore recap the same way I would like to end it, with touching songs.  The first is to the tune of “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” by REO Speedwagon.  Please, all, sing along with me.

And even as I wonder,
I’m waiting for a fight,
You’re a Dep bottle in the window,
On a cold, dark winters night.
And JWOWW’s weave really gives me such a friiiiight.

And I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her foooooor,
It’s time to say goodbye to the Jersey Shore,
And throw away the bronzer, forever.

Cuz I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her fooooooor,
And if you call The Situation a bore,
Ronnie will punch you through the door,
Snooki, I can’t fight this feeling anymore.

On to the Jersey Shore Season Finale Recap:

• Oh yeah I totally forgot that Ronnie was arrested for knocking out the Boardwalk Heckler in “one shot, one shot kid.”  I guess after you see so many fights they all start to just merge into one distant memory…kinda like Angelina.
• Sammi SweatStains and Snooki and Snooki’s corset are all freaking out back at the house about what to do to get Ronnie out of jail.  Whilst munching on a rice cake, Snooki in a Snooki-like panic asks if she should call 911 because, you know, that’s what they’re there for.  Sammi is whining that she doesn’t know what to do because she’s never been in this situation before.  Really?  Never?  Not even, like, the other day?  Or last week?  Or last month?  Or the entire summer last year?  Or with her dad in 1999?  Fine.  I “believe” you.
• Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is in bed with Danielle the Israeli stalker while Vinny and his eyebrows fill them in on what happened to Ronnie.  Classic Danielle responds by saying, “they’re acting like Israeli’s right now.”  Really?  I didn’t see anyone ducking behind a rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street throwing rocks at the other person who was ducking behind another rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street.  Did you?
• Snooki’s corset and boobs finally figure out how use the duck phone and when she calls the local jail she just asks for “Ronnie.”  No last name.  No other information.  Just Ronnie.  This is the Jersey Shore, Snooki, I’m sure the other 15 guys he’s sharing a jail cell with are named Ronnie and the other half are named Sal.
• Ronnie will be in the slammer until 6:30 AM and Sammi SweatStains is more concerned that she’ll be sleeping alone for the first time since they all arrived at the Jersey Shore.  Maybe she can put a wife-beater on her extensions and a little gel and pretend it’s Ronnie?  I’m kidding.  A lot of gel.
• In the morning after they realized it’s not Snooki just farting in her Guidette slumber, and answer the duck phone, Sammi picks up Ronnie at Attica.  Ronnie feels that he doesn’t belong in jail, but his Ed Hardy tight t-shirt with a sparkly sword doing down the back begs to differ.
• Well everyone learns their lesson and move on with their lives.  Grandpa Situation is busy calling all the girls he met at the Shore, but has to leave them messages because they are not answering their phones, as it’s tricky to get cell service whilst in the free clinic.  Since that’s a bust, the guys just decide to have a “guys night out.”  Snooki decides to call Keith the farmer and JWOWW is giving her some  dating advice.  That’s like a lepar giving advice on how to keep your fingers from falling off.  Well, you know what I mean.
• Gorilla Central Alert:  As if I didn’t think JWoww ShamWow could hit even more of an all time low, the “next day” she’s out on the Boardwalk and see’s all these guys walking around that she decides to reference as “Gorillas.”  One would think this was a derogatory comment, but not according to ShamWow.  For ShamWow, this is her ultimate guy.  Her “prince” if you will.
• JWoww ShamWow literally runs home to wake up Snooki to let her know that there are “juice-heads” everywhere.  This is where our Guidette lesson begins.  From Snooki we learn what a juice-head is.  Snooki snook’s, “A juice-head is a hot Italian tanned guy, typically muscly, loves working out and looking buff and brawn.”  Funny, that’s the same exact way I order my Italian subs.
• As if the Douche-Bag Brigade isn’t tan enough, they all decide to go to the beach for the first time all summer because, you know, they missed that there was an ocean in their backyard.  Grandpa Situation hits on some chick, Sam, that looks about 16 years old.  Someone check Sitch’s laptop for kiddie porn because I’m pretty sure you’ll find it.  You’ll find kiddie porn and about 108 pictures of Grandpa Sitch taking a picture of himself in the bathroom mirror with him holding his shirt up and squinting his eyes.  Just a hunch.
• Poor Snooki.  Like a turkey thermometer about to pop, she leaves the beach and heads home to call Keith the farmer one more time to ask him out on a date.  Keith decides to not take Snooki up on her offer and she hangs up on him.  Next up, Snooki whines the entire length of the Boardwalk dressed in a too tight white and black dress with her fupa fuping all around as she walks.  She then, for some inexplicable reason, decides to have a dance-off outside by herself.  She lunges at the camera a lot when she dances but, hell, she did that all season anyway.  I think she thinks the camera is a person.  If there were some gel on the camera microphone I’m sure she’d ask it out.  Anywax, while Snooki dances some randoms join in.  Everyone seems confused, the people watching, the people dancing, the people walking by, and me.  I have no idea what is going on.  Snooki’s ex-boyfriend who is up on the balcony won’t even come down to say hi to her.  You kinda knew it was bad as his face was blurred out.  Most likely if they don’t want their face shown, they may not be into you anymore. I mean the kid who actually punched Snooki in the face on camera signed the release form and showed his face, but her ex-boyfriend would not.  Pooooooor Snooki.
• Later that night, the guys go to play pool and talk about their plans for the future, which literally consist of carpooling to Rhode Island.  That’s right, dream big guys!  Meanwhile, Sammi and Ronnie leave Seaside to go to a fancy dinner.  I’m not sure how fancy the dinner can be if you show up in a t-shirt, but what do I know?  I wear shoes to a restaurant and chew my food before talking.  I’m a caveman like that.
• Snooki cries her way home from wherever the hell she was and Grandpa Situation gives her a pep talk and gets her in the crab shack hot tub.  Honestly, you couldn’t pay me to stick one foot in the hot tub.  Although I’d probably float on top of it because of that whole “oil doesn’t mix with water” scenario.  It’s like the Dead Sea.  Is that the one I’m thinking of?  Eh, semantics.  Wait, is that the word I’m thinking of?  Either way, Snooki’s boobs are now floating in the hot tub and she and Grandpa Situation are kissing and I’m cringing and red in the face with secondhand embarrassment.  As I peek out of one eye with my hands covering my face, did I notice that Grandpa Situation keeps moving his head away from Snooki like he’s trying to dodge raindrops?  I bet kissing Snooki taste’s like salami and crackers.
• The remainder of the episode consists of the gang sitting around and talking about the summer and all their favorite times.  They all think it will be a great idea to get a Jersey Shore house next summer and, you know what, I agree.  But let’s not wait until the end of the summer to start filming this again.  Start at Memorial Day and end at 4th of July.  Deal?
• Well it’s been a great summer and a great time recapping this crap.  I’m dumber for it and I hope you are too.

And now we shall end this with a touching rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Gone Too Soon.”

Like a Guidette blazing ‘cross the Jersey sky,
Gone too soon.

Like some crust turned into Vinny’s pink eye,
Gone too soon.

Like Snooki’s crotchless backflip at “da club,”
Gone too soon.

Like the skunk hair that JWOWW would sport, which surely gave a fright,
Gone too soon.

Like Ronnie teasing Sammi’s Fred Flintstone toe on a warm summer night,
Gone too soon.

Like The Situation explaining what The Situation means for 15 minutes in episode one,
Gone too soon.

Like a duck phone that confused the entire house for the entire month,
Gone too soon.

Like Angelina moving in with nothing but trash bags and leaving early with the same,
Gone too soon.

Like DJ Pauly D’s Israeli stalker making him a shirt,
Gone too soon.

Like Snooki getting the bag beat out of her at least once per episode,
Gone too soon.

Like these Jersey Shore recaps that were sure to rot your brain,
Gone too soon.

Gone too soon.

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Let’s play the Jersey Shore Picture Trivia Game one last  time:

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Jersey Shore Recap: JWOWW Punches the Tan Off Grandpa Situation While Pauly D’s Israeli Stalker Needs to Stay Back 100 Feet

There is no reason, ever, why Jersey Shore should be on for 2-hours.  Award shows don’t take up as much time as Jersey Shore did last night.  I was trying to hit record on my Tivo with one hand, whilst trying to fight off Mr. Sandman with the other hand.  I don’t know why that sounds sexual.  Mr. Sandman is not the name of my private regions, just to make that clear.  Although, maybe it should be.  Now where was I?  Ah yes, Jersey Shore.  Here’s a little bit of what went down last night.  I like to call this recap: Jersey Shore Lite: Less Filling, Tastes Terrible.

• If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this show, it’s never to tell anyone that you want to have a family meeting.  10 minutes of my life can never be retrieved thanks to Snooki wanting to have a family meeting to discuss Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie Stumpy spending too much time together.  We all learn that little Snook was just taking smack out of her poof and no one, including all of America, cares if Sammi and Ronnie isolate themselves from the rest of the group.  I would like to know, however, why Sammi looks decent during the show scenes, but when it’s time for her “interview” in front of the green-screen she looks like someone turned the heat up to 108 degrees and then poured baby oil over her head and then slipped her 6 Ambien.  I mean, she doesn’t look as bad as JWoww ShamWow during her interviews because ShamWow looks like she has no clue she’s even on TV at that point.
• Later at “du club” Snooki meets Keith.  Keith is an Irish dude disguised at a tanless Guido.  He’s got the low baseball cap, gray wife-beater, stupidly big silver chains and bracelets…everything that Snooki could almost want in a Jersey Shore hookup.  Snooki is smitten.  Stop the press, that should totally be the name of her spinoff reality show where she looks for love.  Forget “Snookin’ For Love” that’s too easy.  “Snooki is Smitten” is the way to go.  Anybronze, apparently Snooki’s pick up line is “Do you own a farm?”  Keith works on a farm but does not own one, yet.  We also learn that Snooki goes to Community College “upstate” because, you know, people go away to community college.  The conversation takes a sharp left turn on the walk home when Snooki tells Keith that she’s “been with” cows, sheep, goats, horses, and “delivered a freakin’ calf from a cow.”  I think that’s great as I would have assumed Snooki delivered a goat from a cow.  You know, community college….they teach you different things there.
• Meanwhile, Grandpa Situation brings back Paula from “da club.”  Paula is your typical Jersey Shore slampig and it’s no surprise when moments later she’s “doing sex” to Grandpa Situation in the hot tub.  Seriously, that hot tub must have so many crabs in it you could use them as rafts.  Snooki breaks up the sex games and skank-a-licious Paula and Grandpa Sitch take things back to his twin bed, but not before drunken Paula falls down a flight of stairs.  Like a thermometer in a turkey, this is a signal that she’s, clearly, ready for more sex. Ding! Hours later some beast-like-truck-driver-of-a-women is banging down their front door to pick up Paula for her first day of work.  After giving Paula a stern talking to, both “girls” leave the Jersey Shore house without her clothes from the night before.  That’s right America, this skank will be someone’s mother someday.  Sleep well.
• Quote of the Crapisode:  “Bro, at 27 years old, bro, I would never want to be like you” ~ Vinny to Grandpa Situation.  Unfortunately, Vinny, you’re actually not saying that to Grandpa Sitch, as you are just looking directly into the mirror.  You are him.  He is you.  She is they.  Us is them.  I, you, he, she, it, we, you, they.  You know what I mean?  I don’t.
• You guys aren’t going to believe this, but the next night the whole Summer’s Eve Brigage heads out to “da club.”  I know!  I was shocked too.  Even more shocking is that JWoww ShamWow is wearing one of her two outfits that she packed for the month.  You know, the bleached out jeans with holes up and down the legs and, you know, crust around the crotch?  Yeah those.  And her yellow shirt which make her boobs look like their cross-eyed.  I bet the entire outfit smells like ham and cigarettes.
• Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta meets Danielle, some chick apparently from Israel.  Our new Israeli friend apparently likes to pluck her eyebrows herself and gets a little more aggressive with that half way through.  The rest of her brows are filled in with a Sharpie.  Oh, she also looks 50.  Pauly D brings back the Israeli to the Gel Factory and their conversation is a nightmare.  He wants a kiss on the cheek, she wants him to come visit the Holyland.  Is that like Dollywood or Disneyland?  Are there rides?  Instead of riding teacups with Mickey Mouse perhaps you’re riding dreidel’s with Rabbi Shmuley?  I don’t know.  I have no idea what goes on in the Holyland.  All I know is that she loves being Jewish and won’t do naughty boom boom until she’s gets married.  Beyond that she seems like she’d cut off all your fingers, string them, and wear them as a necklace.  She seems nice.
• How come we’re 40 minutes into this 2 hour marathon and no one has been punched in the face yet?  They know this is one of the only reasons we watch, right?
• The Summer’s Eve Brigade head out to Atlantic City (the classier part of Jersey – I couldn’t type that without laughing) for the weekend.  While everyone sleeps as soon as they get to the hotel, Snooki takes a bubble bath with some champagne.  Move over Mr. Bubbles, because someone pour a little Ms. Snooki into that tub.  Careful, it’s slippery!
• On a very special episode of “Jersey Shore” after Grandpa Situation makes a 4th grade joke about Snooki having a couple of rolls, we learn that Snooki had an eating disorder that she just recently got over thanks to therapy.  Look, even I think that’s a very important issue, but what stood out more to me was that Snooki was seeing a therapist, yet the therapist never talked her about how it’s not normal to want to be a “Guidette?”  This must be the same therapist that “helped” Heidi and Spencer from The Hills.
• Things only get worse for My Little Snooki because once they get to the AC club and are dancing/seizing, Snooki takes a dive off the stage and onto the chair.  This doesn’t even phase Snooki, however, as once she safely lands in between the table and the back of the booth (screaming) she kneels up and starts pumping her arms and giving “west coast finger signs” with her hands.  Just a typical Friday night for our Snook.
• During Snooki’s fall from grace, Vinny is making out with some chick, who may or may not be “with penis”, then takes a 2 second break to go to the bathroom and that’s when Grandpa Situation (with his walker and oxygen tank) swoops in and starts making out with Vinny’s girl…from, literally, 2 seconds ago.  Grandpa Situation says something douchey like, “It’s a robbery, son.”  Why do white people that?  Why do they say “son?”  I know Grandpa Situation is technically Burnt Sienna and not white, but still.  He’s the worst on so many different levels.  Later, Vinny does have a great line when he asks Grandpa how his d*ck tastes after he stole his girl.  Who knew Vinny was funny?  Way to bring it out in the 11th hour, my friend, way to bring it out.
• Finally someone gets hit!  It took an hour, but was worth the wait.  After our delicate Oriental flower, JWoww, pukes in the bathroom of “da club” she kindly asks Grandpa Situation to walk her back to her room because she needs help.  Sitch won’t help her so she literally smacks him upside the head and immediately says, “let’s go upstairs.”  Brilliant!  This type of behavior, however, gets ShamWow kicked out of “da club” with 14 minutes left.  She decides to stay up and wait for Sitch to come home so she can knock him out, you know, like a true lady.
• When Grandpa Situation gets home from “da club” guess who’s there to greet him with a nice smile and kind words?  Correct!  JWoww ShamWow!  She legit winds back and hits him square in the jaw and then just says, “ok, goodnight.”  Why does this make me like JWoww ShamWow even more?  I hope she didn’t tear her nice jeans even more during this altercation.
• Sidenote, how come on Jersey Shore when the roommates fight each other they get rewarded with a trip and a second season, but on the Real World when someone gets hit they get kicked off the show?  Discuss.
• So you know who loves being Jewish?  Danielle the stalker.  She loves it.  She surprises Pauly D/Ellen Travolta on the boardwalk WHILE he’s already out with another girl, with a t-shirt she made for him that says “I Heart Jewish Girls” but instead of a “heart” it’s the Italian flag with the Star of David over it.  I’m not making this up.  She designed it and I’m pretty sure it was made with Puffy Paint.  Like a bull in heat during mating season, this chick is all nuts.
• Danielle the Israeli stalker is popping up all over the Jersey Shore like Where’s Waldo at the carnival.  Everywhere Pauly D is, she just shows up with an awkward smile on her face.  She keeps asking him when he’s going home and when he’s going to call her.  Didn’t they just meet last night?
• Meanwhile back at da house, Grandpa Sitch is cutting up pickles and placing them under Snooki’s bed while she sleeps so that, apparently, she smells even more like pickles than she normally does?  He’s also mixing up some cheese, mayo, pickle juice, and milk (official cologne of the Jersey Shore) and hiding it under Vinny’s bed.  Grandpa Sitch calls it “Haterade.”  Oh that Sitch.  What a trip.
• Later our Israeli stalkers calls DJ Pauly D for the 100th time and we are lucky to get another great quote which is, “You stalked my entire life on the Boardwalk.”  Bravo, Pauly D, bravo.  Although he does stay “you stalked my life” about 15 times.  He should switch it up a bit.
• Once again I must say the phrase, “Pooooooooor Snooki.”  This time she’s wearing a hot pink corset to “da club” so that her knockers are around chin level and she’s making out with some dude on the couch while her ass/crotch is visibly hanging out of her skirt.  I believe she is technically showing us her Snooki.  1 second after kissing this random dude, we learn that he has a girlfriend….who’s at “da club”….and is standing there……4 feet away…..watching them…..and laughing.  Pooooooor Snooki.  I want to give her a hug….and a Ricki Lake makeover.
• Finally, as with the end of every Jersey Shore episode, the gang is walking home and getting heckled from everyone on the street and a fight breaks out. The only funny part from the heckling was when the drunk chick asked Snooki why she was wearing her Halloween costume.  You KNOW that next Halloween everyone is going to dress up like Snooki.  Anyboo,  this time Ronnie runs up to the d-bag heckling him and, in one punch, knocks the guy out cold.  In the words of Ronnie while he is literally skipping away from the punch, “that’s one shot, that’s one shot kid, that’s one shot.”  The d-bag is knocked out on the ground and, for some inexplicable reason, with his ass up in the air.  Ronnie gets arrested and this ends the 16 hour episode.  Phew.  Next week is the season finale.  So soon?  See you there…or in hell….whichever happens first.

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Jersey Shore Recap | GTL: Gym, Tanning, Laundry

So I decided that drinking while watching Jersey Shore is just stupid.  I’m going to start taking Ecstasy and see how it goes.  I think I’ll peak during “da club” scenes and, well, if they happen to be dancing during those scenes I may just start dry-humping my couch.  Here’s what went down on the latest episode of Jersey Shore:

• We kick things off with a lesson on how to make a Guido.  It’s simple actually.  All you need to do is follow the GTL Rule.  What does GTL stand for, you ask?  Why it stand for Gym, Tanning, Laundry, but of course!  Vinny, who apparently is still on this show, informs us that every single day the guys go to the gym, go tanning, and do their laundry.  I assume the laundry is done every day due to gel drips and sweat pit stains.  Grandpa Situation even teaches us the importance of GTL and how it equates to a good night, but I lose the lesson as I become hypnotized by his peanut head and try to figure out if it’s smaller this week than last.  It is.  He is the Beettlejuice of our generation.
• The Duck Phone:  Every time the duck phone goes off in a scene I always think it’s my cell phone vibrating on the table.  I check it every time.  One day it will be and it will be Snooki calling me.
• Vinny’s talking to Grandpa Situation’s sister on the phone, who sounds like she just may be Rhea Pearlman.  They chit-chat like school girls in 4th period algebra for 45 minutes.  If Vinny had long hair, he could twirl it.  Is it odd that when Grandpa Situation has to call back his sister he has to look her phone number up in a small phonebook that pretty much looks like my autograph book that I brought with me to Disney World when I was in the 2nd grade?
• Grandpa Situation’s Sister Alert: Anyone remember the show Bosom Buddies when Tom Hanks used to dress up like a woman in some scenes?  Yeah, well, The Situation’s sister (Melissa) is 100% Grandpa Sitch with a weave.  I kept pausing it to see if they were just doing some fancy camera work.  The genius that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is says, “Uh, duh, uh, you guys look alike.”  Thanks for stating the obvious to them, Captain Random.  As a sidenote, will these guys careers be officially over once they start losing their hair?  Because it will happen. Although I would kinda like to see the blow out with a major receding hairline.  Get skills, guys, because it will all be over soon.
• Sweet!  The Ecstasy is kicking in just in time as the gang heads out to “da club.”  It’s a typical club scene for the cast of the Jersey Shore.  JWoww ShamWow is wearing a shirt where it looks like her boobs are trying to escape by way of her armpits and “pants” (??) that basically are just fishnet nylons that are probably holding her penis in place, Snooki is performing seizure-like dance moves while constantly fixing her hair, Grandpa Situation is choosing girls to go dance with him by, literally, picking them up by their crotches when they’re not looking, and Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie “No Nickname” are off to the side sipping their Sex on Beach and whispering in each others ear.  All typical.  Carbon copy, if you will.
• Why do the faces of Grandpa Situation and his sister, Melissa, look so old?  I don’t mean wrinkles and stuff.  It just looks old.  It’s weird.  It’s almost like those people that have that disease where they age way faster than they should and are really like 9 years old, but look like they’re 74.  What’s that called?  Well for now I’ll just call it Guidoitis.
• The Fred Flintstone Toe Fight of Horror: Whilst taking the van back to the Dep factory, Ronnie and Sammi get into the most ridiculous fight I’ve ever seen with my own eyes in my life.  Of course, this makes for one of the best scenes of the episode/season.  Sammi SweatStains is wasted and slurring her words like a champ.  She begins by telling Ronnie to shut his pie hole and then calls him a “stumpy bastard.”  Funny and true all at the same time.  Using his words as weapons, Ronnie references Sammi’s Flintstone big toe.  This, clearly, is the worst thing that could have ever been said to Sammi or anyone for that matter because Sammi is livid.  She feels disrespected and never wants to talk to Ronnie again.  Seriously, if he referenced her as Fred Flintstone camel toe, which she clearly has, I could understand her anger, but in this case it just goes to show what a psycho she is.  If anyone has the right to be pissed off and feeling disrespected right now it’s Fred Flintstone.
• Poor Snooki.  She meets her friend, Mike, at “da club” and he’s in the van with the crew heading back to the Dep factory to get a little nookie from the Snooki.  I feel like you could spin Snooki like a wing-nut when she’s going it.  Anyway.  Snooki let’s her friend, Mike, know that he can go back to “da club” with her Grandpa Sitch if he wants to go meet up with girls and drip sweat mixed with gel all over them.  The dude bails.  Immediately.  Like he’s just been pardoned by the Governor seconds before he was supposed to be executed.  In the words of our beloved Snooki, “He jumped out of the van like it was on F’n fire.”  Oh did he ever.
• The War on Flintstone continues back at the house and Ronnie is saying things like, “words were exchanged tonight that can never be taken back” and Sammi SweatStains is saying things like, “that is the worst thing you could ever say to me.”  Snooki is, for some reason that only our Lord and Savior seems to know, the voice of reason right now and tries to explain to Stumpy and Fred that this is the stupidest drunken fight that has ever taken place in the history of the world.  And that includes the time when Adam and Eve got into the fight over that whole apple tree in the Garden of Eden.
• Well folks it’s that time of the episode where Snooki gets the shit kicked out of her.  Honestly, check her contract because I bet it states in there that she has to get hit in every single crapisode.  Grandpa Situation’s drunken skank for the night (who was in an episode before) comes back to the Dep factory and brings her friend (The Grenade) and another friend who I can only describe as looking like a rabid elephant in heat during mating season.  Snooki follows the commands of Grandpa Sitch and asks The Grenade and The Rabid Elephant to leave the Dep factory.  Yeah, this doesn’t go over so well.  One girls calls Snooki a “nasty-ass-bitch” while falling into the wall and, well, hijinks now ensues.
• The Grenade is as white trash as you can possibly get at this point.  She’s saying things to Snooki like, “you ugly-ass bitch” and “you dumb-ass bitch” and “you short-ass bitch.” Everything is ass-bitch.  And, I mean, why shouldn’t it be?  The Rabid Eelephant in heat lunges at Snooki and, to be honest, I’m pretty sure that’s the first lunge and most exercise this chick has ever done (with the exception of probably running after a Jonas Brother or two for a half-a-block).  Gross.  The Rabid Elephant is being dragged away by one of the guys and her enormous gut is falling over her grey stretch pants with her tight tank top starting to ride up her back.  Almost every single word in that last sentence made me dry-heave.
• Right as the cops come and The Grenade and The Rabid Elephant are leaving, Sammi throws out a “You don’t even look Italian” comment to the girls.  Well next tot he Fred Flintstone toe comment from a few minutes ago, telling someone in the Jersey Shore that they don’t look Italian must be the worst insult of its kind because The Grenade loses her shit, pushes a police officer and says, “I will rock you bitch” to Sammi SweatStains.  I think I need a “Guidette to English” dictionary, STAT!  In the end, Snooki gets hit AGAIN in the face, right where she was hit that last time/last week, and one of the drunken girls gets arrested.  All a very quiet night at the Jersey Shore. I can’t wait for the next fight……which will start in about 10 minutes.
• Pauly D/Ellen Travolta lets us know that those girls were “White Trash.”  Well.  Isn’t that the sticky gel bottle calling the Guidette poof black!
• The “next day” Vinny’s entire family come to visit him and they bring large loaves of bread, distant relatives, trays of pasta, etc.  Whilst I want to make fun of his family, I can’t.  His mom seems really nice and caring and, well, even I can’t knock that.  I mean it was funny that she brought him some new packages of wife-beaters, but everything else was really nice of her.
• Well it’s been about 10 minutes, so that means it’s time for another fight!  While at “da club” Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is sitting next to some bald b-bag who is teeing off on him and Grandpa Situation all night.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta let’s him know that he doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.  The guys just keeps at it and tells him to go back to New York…and then Brooklyn….and then Staten Island.  I think that’s all the places in and around New York he knows.  Anyway, The Bald D-bag then follows Ronnie and Sammi (Stumpy and Fred) out of “da club” and down the boardwalk that looks like a constant 1970’s carnival.  The Bald D-bag and his blurred-out-face girlfriend are yelling 5th grade insults to each other.  Sammi pipes up a few more insults and then to my surprise a fight breaks out.  Who knew?!  Ronnie pushes Sammi when she keeps on antagonizing them and then the “Come at Me, Bro” fight begins.  We listen to Stumpy and The Bald D-bag say “come at me, bro” for about 10 minutes.  “Come at Me, Bro” is the new “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” just in case you were wondering.
• The girl with the blurred out face is all in Stumpy’s grill and he’s yelling out “Get away from me, I don’t know you” like a 5 year old running from a stranger who’s trying to lure them into their van with a puppy and some candy.  The Bald D-bag takes the first swing, which was basically like jazz hands on 10.  He misses, no joke, by about 15 feet.  However, that’s enough for Stumpy to just go after him and the next thing you know they’re making a Guido Souffle right there on the ground of the boardwalk.  Gel stains everywhere!  While Stumpy is beating the absolute piss out of The Bald D-bag on the ground, his blurred face girlfriend is literally giving Ronnie a wedgie.  Brilliant.  Moments later Sammi SweatStains gives the bald d-bag a wedgie too.  Ba da ba ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
• Meanwhile, the Duck Phone turns into the Bat Phone and Grandpa Sitch gets a call letting him know that Ronnie is, in process of, fighting on the boardwalk.  And just like that Batman and Robin (Grandpa Situation and Pauly D) leave the Dep factory and head out to the boardwalk.
• In the end, Stumpy and Fred flea the scene while the cops are there dealing with The Bald D-bag.  Stumpy is pissed at Fred and Fred is pissed at Stumpy for pushing her.  Sammi tries to tell Ronnie that she is traumatized after he pushed her and, well, so are my eyes for watching this episode.  I want an apology from the cast.  Anyway, Ronnie apologizes to Sammi and all is right with the world.  Another Guido/Guidette couple saved in the Jersey Shore!

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Jersey Shore Recap: The Episode Where Snooki’s Face Turns Into Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Oh MTV you are so tricky by airing a new crapisode of Jersey Shore on New Years Eve.  Did you think I wouldn’t stop what I was doing to put on Jersey Shore and then increase my alcohol intake by upwards of 93.5%?  Well, lucky for you I’m a drunk who has determination and even in the New Years Eve stupor I was in, I managed to catch the latest episode and, quite possibly, did so out of one eye.  Although, I must admit, seeing “double Snooki’s” is the best way to view the entire series.  Anypuff, here’s what went down on the aftermath of the Snooki punch.  And cue the bullet points:

• This crapisode picks right up where we left off two weeks ago, with Snooki laying on the floor of the bar with her Ed Hardy trucker hat directly beside her after she got punched in the mouth by, who I can only assume is, the kid who played DJ on “Roseanne.”  I must admit it was nice seeing everyone go after the guy who punched Snooki (Brad Ferro), but I began to scratch my chin when it looked like a rabid skunk was also throwing punches.  It wasn’t.  It was JWoww ShamWow.  I found myself yelling at the TV, “Someone Snooki punch that skunk off of JWoww’s head!”  I hate when the TV doesn’t yell back.
• The good news?  You apparently can’t punch the tan off of someones face.  The bad news?  Snooki is hurt.  She’s bleeding from the mouth and freaking the F out.  Of course she should be freaking out, but I’m a little surprised that isn’t her reaction every time she gets ready for a night out at “da club” and takes a glance in the mirror.  I jest.  I love me some Snookisauras Rex!
• Snooki started screaming, “Please don’t tell me I’m missing teeth” I immediately began the sketches for the t-shirts.  Sadly, if Snooki had just simply lowered her head down a few degrees south her “freakin’ poof” would have not only protected her face, but it would have shattered Brad Ferro’s hand.  Next time she’ll know.
• Meanwhile as the rest of the D-Bag Brigade is being questioned by the police, Grandpa Situation is trying is hardest to bring home this random chick on the street who looks like the picture definition of “Cougar Syphilis.”  The “girl” isn’t sure if she should go home with him because if she gets locked out of her apartment she’ll have to sleep in her car.  No joke.  And by “apartment” I’m sure she really meant “car” and by “car” I’m sure she really meant “back to the dumpster.”
• Snooki and JWoww ShamWow head back to Casa de Gold Chains and Snooki heads right to bed.  She needs her beauty rest.  Gulp.  Luckily though Ronnie “No Nickname” crawls into Snooki’s cocoon to tell her that they all love her and would go to jail for her, etc.  I would be more moved by these statements had I not been distracted by the fact that Snooki sleeps with her Ed Hardy trucker hat next to her on her pillow like it’s her stuffed animal.  I always assumed it was stored in a bullet proof glass case that can only be opened by an eye scan and then secret password (password: bronzer).
• And Enter Ronnie’s Mom:  Seriously, when Ronnie’s mom entered the scene the next day I could have sworn that I smelled Newport Menthol’s and heard someone yelling out “B5?  B5?  We have a Bingo in the hall, a Bingo in the hall!”  Sammi SweatStains is taking extra time to get ready so that Ronnie’s mom think she looks “pretty and stuff.”  Meanwhile Ronnie’s mom is all pissed off because it’s taking so long and she is missing out on “getting her tan on.”  Really?  I’m pretty sure if you stayed out of the sun until next New Years you’d still be as crispy as an oiled leather catchers mitt that’s been left on top of the dugout in the middle of July.
• Holy Snook!  Poor Snooki.  Her face is so jacked up and swollen that I had just assumed it was Mary Jo Buttafuoco walking around the kitchen with a tan.  Sadly, it wasn’t Mary Jo.  It was Snooki.  And she’s swollen.  The plus side, however, is that her poof is still centered perfectly on top of her head.  You may be able to knock down her spirit, but you can never (I repeat, NEVER) knock down her freakin’ poof.  Someone cut that thing off and place it in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington DC.
• Later JWOWW ShamWow gets all dolled up to take Snooki out for a drink.  Snooki couldn’t take the shot because her mouth isn’t working anymore and JWOWW looks like karma sexually violated her and left her for dead on the side of a Mexican highway during rush hour only to be picked up by  a pack of wolves, re-raped, skinned alive, and then some homeless dudes took her skin, made a coat out of it, and then took a shit down her throat.  So, yeah, she wasn’t looking too good.
• Snooki, who apparently has the duck phone down to a near science, is calling an automated recording that lets her know the douche who punched her in the lips is out of jail.  It’s basically like MoviePhone, but for white trash girl beaters.  If. You. Know. The. Name. Of. The. Douche. Who. Hit. You. Press 1.  For. A. List. Of. Douches. Who. Were. Just. Released. And. May. Be. Available. To. Hit You. Tonight. Press 2.  Para. Espanol. Numero Tres.
• Being the best Guidette’s they can be, Sammi SweatStains and JWoww ShamWow give Snooki about 3 seconds to digest the information that her attacker is out of the clink before they ask her if she wants to go tanning and then talk about Sammi “doing sex” to Ronnie.  So basically not only was Snooki attacked, but my eyes and ears have been assaulted as well.  And I’m pressing charges.
• So can someone get me a “Pauly D Lingo Decoder” because I have no clue what the hell he is ever talking about.  He’s on the phone with “da club” and I think he wants to DJ there for a night.  He says, “I see his spot has some potential and I throw down some sick mix and that’ll bring people to the spot.”  Sooooooo……he wants to DJ there or he’s just leaving a message on the voicemail of the last chick he banged to let her know to get tested?  It’s hard to tell.  Anyone?  Anyone?  I’m going with the later.
• Did Vinny always have a wonky eye or did he just get that?  Side effects of Pink Eye from episode one?
• Grandpa Situation decides to cook up an unworthy feast of lobster and steaks.  The lobsters are alive before they are killed (which Snooki doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of.  P.S –>  Snooki is a Vet Tech so, well, you all do what you need to do with that piece of information), but I’m surprised they ever make it into the pot because the lobsters can, literally, just clamp onto any of the dozens of gold and silver chains hanging off the necks of any of the guys.  Regardless, Snooki attempts to eat dinner but is “disabled” and can’t really eat which, honestly, won’t be the worst thing for a day or two.  What?  Just sayin’.  I love Snooki.  Anyway, her mouth won’t work so trying to tackle corn on the cob probably wasn’t the smartest idea.  Sidenote, once again ShamWow looks like she’s in a meth daze again.
• Ahoy Guido’s!  The “next day” the gang heads out to F Cove on the SS Fuggetaboutit (literally) for a day of sizzling in the sun.  Everyone is “beating the beats” and even JWoww ShamWow is getting into the festivities by swimming over to another boat of old fat men and gets pulled into their boat like she’s she’s a shark carcass.  Seriously it’s like they’re fishing for JWowws.  It’s like that moment when you think you caught a fish and start to reel it in and then quickly discovered you only caught an old leather boot.  So, yeah, that’s basically what happened.
• However, the fun ends when Ronnie wants to go home and decides to just body slam Snooki into the water.  No joke, this show should just be called, “Snooki Just Gets the Piss Kicked Out of Her.”
• You know what I’ve realized?  I just like watching people drink and fight each other on television.  A few nights later we get the privilege of not only seeing JWoww ShamWow put on every piece of bedazzled denim that has been made, but we also get to see her throw a drink in a girls face and then fight her for calling Snooki fat.  Seriously if it wasn’t for JWoww, this would have been the third time in one episode where we see Snooki get attacked.
• In the end, DJ Pauly/Ellen Travolta gets to DJ at “da club” while the gang does dance moves that I feel should require, by law, resuscitating equipment and a seizure warning, while Grandpa Situation gets stood up for his lunch and dinner date, and Vinny lands himself a trailer park cougar who just happens to be the boss’ girlfriend.  Vinny gets worried once he figures this out and is afraid he’ll get fired from his job…which, just as a friendly reminder, is basically at a t-shirt stand on the Jersey Shore boardwalk.  Seriously, kills yourselves and me all at the same time.

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Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki’s Crotchless Backflips, a New Form of Interpretive Dance at the Jersey Shore

• This week we finally get our answer to last weeks cliffhanger.  Similar to the “Who Shot J.R.” from the 1980’s, we get to learn if Sammi Sweetheart kills Ronnie and JWoww ShamWow for leaving “da club” and possibly having “da sex” with each other.  Spoiler Alert:  A murder does not take place.  Although I am filing charges against MTV for assault and battery on my brain and other mental damage side effects from watching this crap.
• Sammi SweatStains is visibly upset from what Ronnie did at “da club” and we, as viewers, know this because she is taking out pieces of her fake hair whilst she confronts Ronnie who, for some reason, is in his towel.  Similar to the “Out, Out, Damn Spot” from Macbeth, Sammi is releasing her guilt as pieces of her hair are removed from her over-tanned head.  Damn I’m getting wicked intellectual and sh*t from watching this junk ‘yo!
• Additional Things That Don’t Make Sense to Me:  Why Sammi and Ronnie are both crying (I’m embarrassed for myself), why Sammi is equating their 3 days of knowing each other to a relationship, and why Ronnie keeps saying “the equation.”  He keeps saying “you in the equation, the equation, you’re in the equation.”  The Equation + The Situation = The Brain Rot.
• Once again I ask, why is half this show filmed in “Sepia?”  At at moment I’m waiting to see the cast break out into the Charelston.
• Well it’s time to make another big hot bowl of STD Stew in the hot tub and Grandpa Situation and Pauly D have two skanky ingredients for the recipe.  A blond Jersey chic with an obligatory BumpIt and her equally busted friend are the two ingredients of choice.  They simmer their crusty crotches into the hot tub and wait for it to come to a boil.  Grandpa Situation let’s us know that “They’re gonna have sex and that’s the situation.”  Uh, “the situation” is also something I like to call “a little trip to the free clinic for some special topical creams.”  So, yeah, that’s the situation too.
• While Pauly D and Grandpa Sitch take “da girls” into “da beds” Pauly D lets us know that his girl is “on her period” so there won’t be any sex for him.  He says it so matter of fact.  It’s like, dude we have ears and we just heard you say that.  No boundaries.  In the end the skanks break free from the “crab farm” and decide to go home.  While the cameras did not show it, it is assumed that Grandpa Situation locked himself in the bathroom and made out with the mirror until he “finished” in Pauly D’s gel bottles.
• It’s not all bad news though, because true musty love is in the air and JWoww ShamWow talks to her boyfriend over the duck phone while a skunk, apparently, is making sweet love to her hair.  They decide to leave things as “status quo” and her boyfriend promises to not give her crap for having a penis.  Fine, I made that part up, but I’m still convinced.
• So, is Vinny in this show anymore….or no? 
• The next day, after work, Sammi Sweetpea and Ronnie “No Nickname” make sweet-sticky-burnt-skin-gel’d-love in the guest room while a camera from the ceiling catches their every move.  Sammi tells us that they had sex and Ronnie tells us “we smooshed.”  Oh yeah, well I puked and poured bleach all over my body, so what’s that called?
• We get to see the girls go through their full ritual of getting ready for a night out and by “the girls” I am of course referring to “the guys.”  They go tanning, hit the gym, and then end their day by all going to the barber shop and chit-chattin like school girls in 5th period algebra. Not quite sure why sometimes Grandpa Situation speaks like he’s not actually white, sometimes, but that is the case.  Oh, and no white dude should be calling another white dude “son” unless the said person is, in fact, their son.
• Now I’m not quite sure if this is from the 6-pack I just killed in the first 30 minutes of this show or if my eyes actually saw Snooki doing back-flips at “da club” with her crotch hanging out of her skirt.  Rewind, yup.  Rewind, yup.  Rewind, yup there it is.  Snooki’s snatchy is being blurred out with every back-flip she’s doing on the dance floor and JWow ShamWow says, “It’s the best thing I ever saw in my life.”  Agreed.  If you ever wanted to see a Smurf’s vaginastein upside down under a black-light then this is the scene to tune into.  Now the results haven’t come in yet, but it is quite possible that Snooki is not a full person, but just one giant, tanned, shaved, dancing vagina….with extensions.
• I have to admit that the dancing portion of any Jersey Shore crapisode is typically my favorite.  JWoww ShamWow dances like a truck-driver in heat and continuously runs towards the person she’s dancing with as if she’s in a race with herself.  However, in this race, folks, we all win.  We all win.  Pauly D is speaking in foreign tongues, I believe, because he is informing us that while dancing they’re “beating up the beat.”  Apparently you start off with fist pumps, then you slap at the floor, then you slowly rise up and punch and kick all at the same time.  Beat up ‘dat beat.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure “the beat” won this time Pauly, I’m pretty sure “the beat” won this time.
• Grandpa Situation and Pauly D (who’s looking more and more like Charles’ mother from “Charles in Charge” (Ellen Travolta…Google it) decide to take these two girls home for the night. (Click on the link below to read the rest of the Jersey Shore Recap and for a Surprise!)

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Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki Licks Pickles While Angelina Breaks Up With Her Married Boyfriend, All Before the BBQ Grill Catches Fire. Yup, Just Another Day at the Jersey Shore.

Fistpump is the new cowbell and there is plenty-o-fistpump worthy scenes in the latest crapisode of Jersey Shore.  From sucking pickles to same sex douche-bag-stew make out sessions in the frialator/hot-tub, wax off your eyebrows and buckle up because it’s time for another Jersey Shore recap!

• We pick up the morning after Pauly D and JWoww hooked up at “da club.”  To no surprise, first thing in the morning JWoww looks like she’s been gang-banged and left for dead by the karma monster and her fright-wig has seemed to turn a few additional strands of white.  I don’t even understand her hair.  I mean, is it a combover-mullet or no?  It looks like it’s been completely removed and then placed back on her scalp during a violet Category 5 Hurricane.  Wait, I finally think I know what “JWoww” stands for!  JWoww:  Janky  Wig  On  Whitetrash Woman.  JWoww.
• Pauly D, on the other hand, wakes up without a hair out of place and “Troll Doll fresh” thanks to 4 pounds of gel.  His pillow, however, must have shattered into a million pieces once his head hit it.  Anypoof, Pauly D is kind enough to remind JWoww that she kissed him with her tongue last night at “da club” and, to be honest, she looks relieved that he didn’t say, “You showed me your penis, JWoww.”
• Meanwhile at the T-Shirt store that looks like it smells like the basement of a church, Sammi Sweetheart and Grandpa Situation are “working” which consists of standing in front of the store and talking about themselves.  While I used to think that Grandpa Situation looked like a Q-Tip, I now realize he looks more like a light bulb.  With all the time he spends at the gym, you would think he’d focus at least one day on working out his legs, which look a lot like Kelly Ripa’s.  Light Bulb Situation in full effect.
• SnookiTime!  Snooki is looking to get a little greasy Guido loving from someone, anyone in fact. If you put some gold chains and an Ed Hardy T-shirt on a plan, she’d f*ck it.  So she puts on every Guidette prop that she can find: hot pink trucker hat that says “Pornstar in Training,” clear sunglasses, tight black wifebeater that hugs her FUPA in all the right places, and a pickle.  Yes, a pickle.  Snooki  licks and sucks a pickle whilst chatting with her housemates.  She even informs us that she eats a pickle in a “specific way.”  That way, you ask?  Well, she sucks the juice out first and then eats the rest of the pickle.  Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!  Looks like someone can now add an additional bullet point to their resume!!!! 
• This must be the episode where the producers allow everyone to invite anyone they know to the house.  JWoww ShamWow is waiting in front of the house with her gut hanging over the top of her shorts and her rats nest frolicking in the wind for her boyfriend, Tommy.  Tommy does show up and to my surprise he’s a tall Irish kid with red hair and wearing a suit.  Kidding.  He’s a Guido.  His hair is buzzed as thin as his eyebrows and he’s wearing his standard tribal t-shirt with grey sweatpants and a gold chain.  Do you think when all these Guido’s are in the same room at the same time it’s like trying to get out of the House of Mirrors at the carnival?
• Meanwhile, Angelina invites her friends, Alana and Elena, to come to the house as well.  This isn’t enough for her, so she calls up her boyfriend to meet her and her friends at “da club” later that night.  Seriously, does everyone live on the same block at the Jersey Shore? 
• As the Douche-Bag Brigade begins to get ready for a night out, Vinny puts on a tie and the reaction is priceless.  JWoww ShamWow wants to know why he’s getting “so dressed up” for “da club.”  She makes it seem like he’s in a 3 piece suit and on his way to the Academy Awards.  It’s a tie.  It’s purple. It’s sold at “Hot Topic” in the mall.
• Is it ok to admit that I love when the Guido’s and Guidette’s go to “da club?” It’s great.  I love to watch them dance, as it’s like watching a rabid raccoon with turrets dig through the trash.  Oh, and when they choose a club that has a lot of black-lights?  Brilliant. It’s like just looking at a sea of floating eyes and teeth. Somewhere, puking her lunch out over a toilet, Audrina from The Hills is smiling.
• Not all happiness can be found at “da club” though.  Angelina’s married boyfriend is there and they basically break up.  One more time.  Angelina’s married boyfriend.  Married boyfriend.  Married.  I mean, if you can’t hit “tilt” on the “Whitetrash-o-Meter” before all this, now you admit and show on national television that you go out with a married dude?  Remember when you had to have some type of talent to be on TV? 
• The “next day” Angelina is supposed to go to work at the T-Shirt store and decides to just not go.  She actually sees nothing wrong, at all, with just not going and not calling to tell them.  However, she must have remembered the episode of the Brady Bunch when Cindy didn’t want to go to school so she pretended she had a cough, because Angelina carted her fat ass to “the office” practicing her cough the whole way and told her boss that she wasn’t feeling good so she wouldn’t be working today.  He’s pissed and Angelina, literally, can’t seem to figure out why.  She claims she didn’t call earlier because she didn’t have the phone number to work.  Seriously.  I hope that whatever job in the future she interviews for, the person interviewing her makes her watch this clip and asks for her reaction.  She’s a complete goon.
• Danny, the boss, rides what I can only assume is Jack Tripper’s bike to the Jersey Shore house to confront Angelina.  Angelina decides that she’ll only talk to him in the bathroom or she won’t talk to him at all.  Huh?  Danny lets Angelina know she can’t live in the house if she doesn’t work.  He’s telling her this through the bathroom door with the water running.  Even I’m lost at this point.  He leaves and then Angelina exits the bathroom with a black bag and a CVS bag filled with sh*t.  Did she just rob herself?
• Angelina decides to leave the house/show for good and her roommates couldn’t give less of an F if they tried.  She grabs her garbage bags, loads up the car, and is off.  Odd, I’ve never seen trash take itself out before.
• Meanwhile, JWoww ShamWow tells her boyfriend over the duck phone that she messed up big time at “da club” but she still loves him.  He, of course, hangs up on him and now JWoww claims she’s going to be the biggest pig she can be as a single girl.  She says, and I quote, “I guess I’m gonna show my true side.  My dirty, filthy, f*ckin’ true side.”  Ugh, someone get the abortion clinic on speed dial.  It’s going to be a messy rest of the season!
• Oh Snap Alert:  Someone broke out of the trailer park because Snooki’s friend “Ryder” is hanging out with her for the night.  If you ever wanted to know what walking meth looked like, this is it. 
• Watching Snooki and Ryder try to dance in the bar is a dream come true.  I wasn’t sure if it was technically dancing or if they were just trying to shake the sh*t out form their shorts, but either way it was entertaining to watch.  Even the fat toothless man, who looks like an obese Super Mario, in the background can’t believe what his one good eye is seeing!
• Snooki brings Ryder back to the house so that everyone can  enjoy the hot tub.  Blah.  That water must be so clumpy from all the oil and gel.  I picture them like seagulls caught in an oil slick during the Exxon Valdez crisis.
• Snooki decides to make out and kiss all over Ryder whilst in the hot tub.  It’s like watching a mother bird trying to feed her baby bird, if the mother bird was Rhea Perlman and the baby bird was Jodie Sweetin during her meth days.
• Also while in the hot tub, Snooki has her trucker hat on, Vinny has his sunglasses on, and someone else is wearing gold chains.  Since when do you need to be in full costume to go in the hot tub?
• Grandpa Situation gets a little play too, as Snooki decides to start kissing him.  As they make out, I’m completely lost on the conversation.  Grandpa Situation tells Snooki she better start washing dishes now and Snooki responds by saying, “F*** you, F*** my F****** A**.” Someone sew that onto a throw pillow.
• The next day is BBQ day and Grandpa Situation has to help Pauly D light the grill, which they both fail in doing so they just take a torch to it.  No joke, they did.  To no surprise the grill catches on fire and they need to put it out with a fire extinguisher.  Honestly, with all the gel that was just around that grill fire I’m shocked the house didn’t explode and leave all the Guido’s and Guidette’s with their heads on fire, running around like human match sticks.
• In the end, they hit up “da club” for the 5^thtime, and the dancing continues.  Ronnie is having what I can only assume is a seizure on the dance floor.  He’s bopping up and down like “Whack-a-Mole.”  JWoww ShamWow puts on her same old crusty pair of bleached out jeans and a shirt that barely contains her Guidboobs. 
• One second Sammi Sweetheart and Ronnie are sharing a nice moment of Guido/Guidette love and next thing you know all hell breaks loose when Ronnie “rabies dances” with some girl.  Sweetheart is pissed so she decides to talk to her friend “the cop,” as they call him, and gives him her number.  JWoww ShamWow tells Ronnie what just happened, which I can’t believe she could even see it with the sea of Ed Hardy in “da club” that is pretty blinding. 
• Ronnie goes home and passes out in his twin-bed.  JWoww leaves too and Sweetheart is told that they went home together.  Ruh-Roh!  Sweetheart peaces out of “da club” to drunken confront Ronnie and JWoww.  Da da duuuuun!

Next week is the episode that everyone has been talking about when Snooki gets punchedat the bar.  Yowza!

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Who Punches Snooki in the Face on Jersey Shore, You Ask?

Check Out the “Jersey Shore” Craptastic Recap, Sponsored by AquaNet!

IBBB’s Jersey Shore recaps are apparently the new Hills and The City recaps, which is fine by me!  Also, people seem to think that somehow I know these people or work on the show.  I don’t.  I just watch, in horror, from the comfort of my apartment with a moderate beer buzz and hands partially covering my eyes.

Everyone seems to want to know who punches Snooki in the face during this craptastic season of MTV’s Jersey Shore.  My first guess would, of course, be “karma,” but after doing a little ghetto research, I may have found the answer.  According to a Philadelphia newspaper from August 2009, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, don’t sue me, allegedly, allegedly, I have nothing to sue over, allegedly, a drunk man from New York, Brad Ferro (23 yrs-old) punched a female cast member (Snooki) square in her over-tanned, caked-on-makeup, Guidette face….AFTER stealing her drink at the bar.  Surprisingly, Brad Ferro’s hand didn’t shatter in 14 different places after it came in contact with Snooki’s “faccia brutta.”

According to the police report, Ferro was arrested on simple-assault and disorderly-person charges and Snooki was not treated.   Not even to a full Ricki Lake style makeover?  Let down. 

I, personally, was surprised it was considered assault since I thought that’s just how people in New Jersey said “hello” to each other.  Rumor has it, that had Ferro been from New Jersey and not New York, one Ms. Nicole Snooki would be married to him today and living a juiced-up-tanned-out-Guido-Guidette-dream-life on the Jersey Shore with two baby girls, both with tiny little “freakin’ poofs” on top of their heads.

Looks like we’ll just have to stay tuned to watch this scene in terror and wait to hear Snooki say, “Who hits a girl!?!”

And remember, friends, it’s never ok to hit a girl.  If you get the urge, just hit yourself in the face.  Deal?  Deal!

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Jersey Shore Recap: Uh…So I Hear Someone Has a Full Time Job For Me?

Well, well, well.  So we meet again, bitches.  IBBB’s “The City” and “The Hills” recaps aren’t even cold in their grave yet, but I could not pass up the opportunity to check out Jersey Shore and throw a little recap against the wall and see if it sticks.  All I have to say is that I got skin cancer just from watching the first 4 minutes of the crapisode.  Wondering why most countries hate us?  Well I have 4 words for you:  Snooki.

Let’s take a moment to meet the cast of Jersey Shore, yeah?  This next paragraph is sponsored by AquaNet.

Pauly D – Pauly D loves being a “Guido.”  He spends 25 minutes on his hair to make it look like a cross between the centerpiece of a dinner table during Christmas and a Troll Doll.  Pauly D is (fist) pumped to be heading to the Jersey Shore from Rhode Island, so much in fact that he’s making sure to pack his 14 tubes of gel.  Luckily he’s driving because security at the airport would not allow him to bring his head through the security checkpoint as there is more than 3 ounces of gel in his hair alone.

Nicole aka Snooki – Snooki, the spawn of Lil Kim and Danny Devito has a dream, you guys.  And her dream is to move to New Jersey, meet a hot, tanned, “juiced” Guido and live her life as a Guidette.  I know homeless people who wouldn’t even move to Jersey and that includes if Oprah bought them a furnished/paid for house there.  Snookie wears her hear in a “poof” to pay homage to the BumpIt and keeps it in place by what I can only assume is a banana-clip.  She’s loud, has a snaggle tooth, minimal eyebrows, and her FUPA meets her tanned boobs in all the right places.  In one word, she’s a dream come true.

Mike “The Situation” – Mike is the grandfather of the group and will now only be referred to as “Grandpa Situation” since the tanning has aged him about 24 years.  He’s proud to not only be a Guido, but an Italian Guido.  He’s called “Grandpa Situation” because he has abs and is sure to show them off any chance he gets, which is good, I guess, because it takes away from his Q-Tip sized head.  Grandpa Sitation works out 5 days a week, smokes cigarettes in his car, and tans….all normal in the Guido world.  One can’t figure out how he so tanned that he’s gone from brown, to red, to orange, and now to what I can only assume is Burnt Sienna.

Sammi Sweetheart – Sweetheart is self-described as the “sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet, but don’t f*ck with me.”  She too is looking for the hottest Guido in “da club” and is working on being the best Guidette she can be.  She claims this means having good hair, tanned skin, and “cakes on the makeup.”  Sweetheart has a little something to say to you if you’re NOT a Guido.  “Get the f*ck out of my face.”  She’s talking to you, Thomas Shamus O’Brien!

Vinny – Vinny a “generational Italian” from Staten Island (go figure) is college educated, lives at home with his family, and has his mother cook and clean for him.  A potential future wife-beater, Vinny can frequently be found in “da club” fist pumping with chronic pit-stain problems.  When he’s not driving around in his yellow car and getting his eyebrows waxed, he’s having fun by wearing his sunglasses in “da club.”  Sadly, Vinny will be the most normal on this show.

Jenni “JWoww” – JWoww loves grinding with “da guys” at “da club,” is burnt to a crisp and has fake boobs that are so far apart they look like Kermit the Frog’s eyes.  She frequently wears tight jeans that have been totally bleached out in spots, which really makes the white streaks in her hair pop!  So is anyone going to mention the fact that she has a penis too?  No?  Ok then.  Current Probable Job: Truck driver of a 16-wheeler.  Future Probable Job: 18-wheeler.

Ronnie – Ronnie is the workout king thanks to a lot of “As Seen on TV” products that are scattered around his house.  He, too, likes to tan, gel his hair, get haircuts, and wear big gold chains.  He believes that when he takes his shirt off the girls just come to him like “flies on sh*t” so, yes, he did just equate himself to sh*t.  When he’s not carrying around non-human-sized jugs of Protein Whey, he spraying his cologne, and taking his shirt off.  I’m sensing an overall theme here.

Angelina – Angelina is the self-described “Kim Kardashian” of the Jersey Shore. Ah yes, aim high, Angelina, aim high.  She’s not only proud to be tanned and a Guidette, but also because she has real boobs and a “fat ass” according to her….and my eyes.  She should be proud of her thunder thighs too.  You do not want to get on her bitchy size because she can cuss you out with her speed-talking-slurred-jumbled-words and, well, no one needs that.

Well now that we’re caught up with who we’re watching, let’s discuss the remaining 2-hours of the show, that I cursed MTV the whole time.  This section is sponsored  by:  Draka Noir.

• Everyone couldn’t be more excited to get to the Jersey Shore house, well actually Pauly D is the most excited because he’s never been to Jersey and wants to see what it looks like.  Hint:  Take a dump in a blender, toss in 2 cups of sand, 1 rotten egg, and “mix” for 2 minutes.  Remove cover.  Look inside blender.  That’s Jersey.
• All of the Lord’s Guido’s and Guidette’s are deciding who gets what rooms, based on who they think is a douche-bag or not.  Is there a way to really win at that game?  Poor Snooki.  She’s driving and swearing all whilst her banana-clip is attached to her steering wheel and her car breaks down.  She’s one of the last to arrive and is ready to party it up and does she ever!
• Angelina actually arrives last and brings her clothes in a garbage bag.  Ironic.  The joke writes itself.
• By the way, why is half of this show filmed in “Sepia?”
• The Jersey Shore house is kind of a sh*t hole.  MTV, clearly, spent under $100 dollars on this, but everyone is so happy.  As I look around the room it appears that everyone is wearing every accessory that Aldo Shoe’s sells in the mall.  I also realize that, God-forbid, there was a fire, everybodys head would be up in flames, like running torches, in a matter of nano-seconds.
• Snooki gets trashed in the matter of minutes, which is weird because both Lil Kim and Danny Devito can both hold their alcohol.  Well not Snooki.  She isolates herself from the rest of the group, who begin to all make fun of her for being “stupid” behind her back, which is kinda like listening to people wheelchairs making fun of someone for not being able to walk.  Snookie puffs up her poof and then heads into the hot tub with all the guys and takes off her dress/shirt and goes in with her bra and thong.  She then tries to get sexy with all the guys in the hot tub, but it’s like watching when a skunk falls into a pool.  And she has more rolls on her back than a walking bread salesman at an Arabian market.  Finally she ends up falling down the stairs and then falling asleep on a hammock whilst the rest of the Douche-Bag Brigade head out to explore their new toxic/smoggy surroundings.
• Snookie + Duck Phones = Disaster. 
• We learn that JWoww has a boyfriend and the guys really seemed pissed by this.  I’m not sure why as it looks like she’s been hit in the face with a bouquet of dicks.  And, still, no one seems to be asking if she’s got a set of balls down her pants.  Odd.
• Similar to The Real World, the Guido’s and Guidettes have a job that they must go to.  You guessed it!  They’re working at a T-shirt store!  Seriously, the store looks like it smells like Sears, and I had a seizure just looking at it.  Lil Snooki Devito is late for her first day of “selling t-shirts” because she’s been puking all morning.  She’s upset because no one will hold her BumpIt whilst she pukes in the toilet.  Hey, it’s Jersey, just puke outside!
• Later that night the Guido’s invite these “girls” that were walking by their house to come up to go in the hot tub.  These girls literally looked like they washed up on shore.  I’m pretty sure one still had seaweed on her leg and the other had a clam clamped to her boob.  Everyone gets in the hot-tub to make a nice big pot of Douche-Bag Stew, sprinkled with a dash of STDs.  I’m surprised all the guys weren’t screaming to not get their hair wet, but let’s face it, the gel as cemented at this point anyway.  The girls who washed up on shore have now taken their thongs off in the hot tub and made their parents proud all at the same time.  Good luck on that job interview, girls, at the……nail salon.  Fine nevermind, I’m almost positive that getting into a strangers hot tub and removing your underpants within the first 3 minutes is a requirement of landing a job at a nail salon anyway.  My bad.
• Everyone is making out in the hot tub and doing the “three-way-kiss” like it’s Spring Break 1998 all over again.  I actually just got crabs looking at this scene so, well, that sucks.  Sweetheart and Angelina, the Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett of our generation, are pissed that skanks are making a stew in their hot tub.  Angelina is especially pissed at Grandpa Situation because she thinks that he and Sweetheart have already made a special connection in the 14 minutes that they’ve been in the house.  Angelina says, “You’re not The Situation, you’re no situation.”  Yup.
• Seriously, I think Snooki has permanent brain injuries from that hair poof being too tight.  While the rest of the girls in the house are bitching about the skanks that the guys brought home, Snooki is in bed and thinking that they’re talking about her, which CLEARLY they are not.  Snooki decides she’s going to leave because, well, she gave it a good 5 hours and if she doesn’t bond with these people in the first 5 hours, she never will.  I find it most shocking, however, that Snooki knows how to pack up a suitcase all by herself.  Who’s a good girl?  Who’s a good girl? You’re a good girl, Snooki, you are!
• Guido Question of the Day:  Do you need to wear a new “wife-beater” each time you put one on or can you get a certain amount of washes out of it before the pit-stain begin to eat the fabric?
• In the end, Snooki decides she going to stay, partially because she thinks she should give it a fair chance and partially because she knows that deep-down she’s spent her life savings on tanning and BumpIts and has nothing else going on in her life besides this show.
• While this show does make my brain rot with delight, the fact that this season premiere is 2 hours makes me want to wax off my eyebrows and draw them back in with a Sharpie.  For the final 45 minutes I’m just giving a bit of an overview.
• Everyone must work different shifts at the T-shirt store.  Want to check out some really good Jersey t-shirts?  Check out Jersey Sucks for all your Jersey t-shirt needs.  Anyway, Grandpa Situation has his own “selling style” which consists of showing all the douchey customers his abs.  I’m pretty sure that’s the way that Henry Ford sold his first car.  JWoww has her own selling style too, which I assume it signing each t-shirt sold with her penis.
• To no surprise when the Douche-Bag Brigade decides to get ready to go out for the night it consists of a lot of aresol hair spray, a lot of poof, and…wait for it….wait for it…wait for it….Ed Hardy t-shirts!  Whilst at “da club”  the fist pumping is in full force and Pauly D and JWoww start grinding their different color tanned bodies against each other.  Once he puts his hands on her stonewashed/bleached jeans she goes in for the kill and a kiss takes place.  JWoww lets us know that she “technically” cheated on her boyfriend.  Bonus points for knowing the word “technically” but it was not needed in that sentence because there isn’t a way to “non-technically” cheat.  I am surprised, however, that their heads didn’t form a glue and stick together due to the combination of heat, sweat, gel, and AquaNet. 
• The “party” continues back at the house.  JWoww figures out that Pauly D has his penis pierced.  I was waiting for her to say, “My penis is pierced and my scrotum is too, wanna see!?”  Meanwhile Snooki brought someone home too.  She really caught herself a winner because while sitting on the roofdeck waiting to see the sunrise, her “date” passes out, wakes up, sits up and projectile vomits.  I’m gonna say that one again.  PROJECTILE VOMITS.  Snooki then makes him finish puking over the deck railing and onto the streets of the Jersey Shore just like everyone else in Jersey does.  Snooki walks her puking date home and decides not to kiss him because he has “pukey breath.”  That Snookie!  What a class act!
• The “next day” we learn that Vinny has full blown AIDS.  Oh, pink-eye?  Oh.  He made it seem like he was dying of AIDS.  It’s just pink-eye.  He has to miss work and needs someone to cover his shift until 9pm, but the girls will only cover his shift until 7pm because they legit need from 7pm – 11:00 to get ready in order to go out by 11:30.  The guys are shocked by this, but it makes sense to me, espcially with JWoww.  2 hours to push her boobs as far apart as humanly possible, and the remaining 1 hour to tuck her penis.
• Well it’s another night at “da club” and all seems normal to me so far.  People are fist pumping, shirts are coming off, hair and eyebrows are glistening in the camera lights, and JWoww and Pauly D start to kiss.  Yup, all is normal.  That is until JWoww disappears from “da club” so she can go home and not cheat on her boyfriend, but that’s not before she apparently stops at the store to buy ham and water.  Yes, ham.  I’ll assume the slices of ham are needed so she can somehow create a faux-vagina for herself whilst her penis is tucked under her legs.  The water?  Well, to keep things sanitary of course!
• Meanwhile back at “da club” Sammi Sweetheart starts kissing Grandpa Situation.  Next thing you know some time passes and she’s kissing Ronnie.  Ruh-roh Reorge!    Grandpa Situation does not like this situation at all and a “Middle Fingers War” begins between Sammi Sweetheart and Grandpa Situation.  Later, after there is a cease-fire in the Middle Fingers War, a fight breaks out between Pauly D and some other Guido who is not on the cast.  A punch is thrown and next thing you know there is Guido chaos everywhere.  All you see is spikey heads all banging into each other and gold chains flying all over the place.  It is reminiscent of a Thanksgiving dinner at “Growing up Gotti.”
• They all finally make it home.  The guys bring back some girls they found on the street and the girls at the house are not happy with this.  I understand their concern as a grease-fire could break out at any moment.  Sammi Sweetheart decides that she has feelings for Ronnie and not Grandpa Situation and I’m almost certain Ronnie isn’t even aware he’s on a television show.
• In the end they all decide they love each other like brothers and sisters and all is right with the world.
• Fist pump is the new cowbell.

Overall when this show goes back to just one hour I think it will be more tolerable.  While most are already saying this is their guilty pleasure, I don’t feel guilty about watching it one bit.  For me, it teaches me to never tan too much, thank God I gave up gel in the mid 90’s, and be grateful that after this series ends I won’t be forced to live out my remaining days working in a toll-booth on a bridge in New Jersey.  Phew!

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Play the trivia game “Jersey Shore Hair…or Just an Animal?” by clicking on the video below:

By the way, can you find me in the above photo? Good, good for you.  You shout it out when you know the answer, good.  Like the t-shirt?  You know you do.  Buy some great Jersey Sucks t-shirts at JerseySucks. I don’t own (really) has asked me to re-partner up with them to sell some “Jersey Sucks” t-shirts.  Seriously, they’re brilliant.  Check out some of the slogans like: “Jersey Sucks,”  “New Jersey Transit. Haulin the Trash,”  “Dirty Jersey” and more!

MTV’s Jersey Shore: Santa Christ Does Exist and He Loves Me.

Read the Latest Jersey Shore Episode Recaps Here!

Now I don’t want to oversell this, but MTV’s “Jersey Shore” is possibly the best thing to ever happen to our country and that includes the ending of slavery, the right for women to vote, and just plain old overall freedom.  If there was ever a time where I questioned the existence of Jesus Claus, Santa Christ, or the rest of the Holy Trinity (the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria), I am now a full-on believer.  I can finally stop my letter writing campaign to congress and cancel my march on Capitol Hill because “Jersey Shore” will be starting on Dec 3rd.  Christmas has come early (giggity).

I mean, the commercial alone was enough to make me do “guido surprise” in my pants.  The premise for the show is that they take 8 “guidos” and place them in a….wait for it…..wait for it….check on your kids…..wait for it….slap your momma….wait for it……a Jersey Shore house and cameras follow them whilst hijnks ensues.  There’s a lot of AquaNet, a lot of fist pumping, a lot of “BumpIt” placement, a lot of pit-stains, and enough fake tanning to make George Hamilton roll over in his grave (I know he’s still alive, but one day this joke will be relevant).

One girl gets all defensive and lets us know that she was the one “who started the friggin poof” while she points to her hair.  She is very proud of this and feels the need to take full credit for this.  Yikes.  One “kid” who looks about 42 tells us that if “hating is your occupation, I probably have a full time job for you.”  And you know what?  He does.  I will make this show my full time job.  Recession OVER!