More Mindless Stories on ‘jersey shore recap’

Jersey Shore Recap: Arrest Me Instead

Click to join me on my Facebook page and we can merp

I think we can all agree that this show didn’t just jump the shark, it did sex with the shark and left it for dead.  I’m kidding.  It clearly also dragged its dead corpse through seaside until it found a tanning salon that could spray tan it orange…and then it left it for dead.  I think it’s nice that MTV finally gave us a break and made this crapisode one hour vs its recent standard 2 hours.  2 hours of Jersey Shore?  No thanks.  That’s as pointless as spending any more than 10 minutes studying for your finals.  Obviously the answer is “C” 98% of the time.  Also, I graduated college in 10 quick years.  Moving on.  There isn’t really much to chat about in this episode.  I know, I was shocked too.  I mean, we did get watch Yawnie talk into that camera during his one-on-one interview and try his damndest to stay relevant and come up with one-liners.  Per usual he points both arms up towards the camera (to ensure we know he’s talking to us) and says about JWoww that, “She went to b*tch university and graduated with her b*tchachelors degree.”  He then sat there looking at the camera man, awkwardly, and then finally let out a little laugh like a 3 year old who was caught farting during coloring time.  I hate to say it, but Yawnie is more interesting when he’s giving Sammi an Extreme Home Makeover (to her face) and give her free rides on her bed as he tosses it across the room.  I mean, get back on  Xenedrine for Pete sake.  That seemed to have made him all kinds of 6’s and 7’s.

Other minor things happened like JWoww hurting her ankle after her boyfriend, Roger, tossed her across “da club” like he was a typical Italian meat-head, you know, throwing his girlfriend across “da club.”  So same/same.  Of course the fight spills out onto the street and the drunken antics continues on.  JWoww tried to cover things up by saying to Roger that she wasn’t mad at him for pushing her because he didn’t recognize her.  Brilliantly he was like, “yeah, no I knew it was you…don’t get involved in a fight with guys.”  This is apparently the main rule of gorilla fighting.  But if girls can’t get involved who will be able to scream that their weave was pulled out?  It simply seems unjust.  The “next day” Snooki goes next door to visit the gang like she was Larry from Three’s Company and ends up taking JWoww to the doctor to see if her ankle was broken.  Since this is Jersey even the “doctors” don’t know for real so they send her to a bone specialist.  In the meantime they wrapped her foot in the same stuff they sell in aisle 10 at Walgreen’s and gave her some crutches that I’m almost certain were made out of recycled tin Crystal Pepsi cans circa 1989.  I have to admit I did laugh out loud, or “LOL” like people who won’t grow up typically say, when Jenni was at “da club” with her crutches, found a wheel chair (that is typical to be standing around unattended) sat in it, and then eventually somehow fell out of it and onto the floor.  I was kinda shocked she wasn’t stuck to it for the remainder of the season.  I assume it’s like fly paper.

So…the only part to really talk about is VaDeena getting arrested.  Sure we yawn when this happens, but the overall process was a little glimpse into the Jersey Shore that we used to love.   Dirty meatballs getting hammered during the day and then going directly to jail.  They do not collect $200 dollars.  I’m joking.  They collect about $40,000 dollars for that day. Anyteeth, VaDeena awakes from her slumber and since no one else in the house wants to have a meatball day with her she decides to just walk outside and start drinking, as she should.  She never brushed her hair or got changed into her “play clothes” so I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to end well.  She immediately starts drinking and taking shots with these randoms sitting at a bar who try to play it cool, but you know are so psyched that someone who no one will remember in 5 more years is sitting there wanting to drink with them.  After she unsuccessfully tries to get them to dance with her, she begins to cry.  Good news for us, she looks extra pretty when she cries!  Of course she doesn’t.  She looks like bystander watching a homeless man opening up an expired can of tuna with his teeth and then dabbing a little behind his ears.  It’s date night in the shelter after all!  Anyway, through the magic of editing, VaDeena goes from zero to 10 in about 5 minutes.  She’s falling all over the place, crying over being alone, and then attacking Yawnie for his sunglasses.  She chases him around the bar for a good 3 seconds before she just collapses to the ground.  They basically revive her and she still has enough energy left in her to just start running.  She’ll run anywhere her little uneven-tanned legs will take her.  Of course she ends up in the middle of the street and then arrested, but still.  Like Forrest Gump she was runnin’.  I think we can all admit that we’ve all been that drunk before.  You know, that point where you just must simply sprint.  Run.  Bolt like you’ve just been dropped into the middle of the Boston Marathon and must complete it within 5 more minutes.  You’re always looking for the red tape at the finish line, but typically just wake up in your bed the next morning wondering why you’re all bruised up and your hips hurt.  After Vadeen dances in the middle of the street to everyone booing her, the 5-0 finally chase her down shouting “miss, miss!” as a sign of respect and then slap the cuffs on her.  She genuinely asks if she’s in trouble even as she’s being placed into the back of the police car.  Poor bricks.   Hopefully this season ends soon.

Jersey Shore Recap: The One Where Everyone Just Goes Through the Motions

Well it’s the 17th and final season of Jersey Shore.  How Ronnie isn’t cellmates with Amber from Teen Mom, serving a life-sentence for the OJ-style murder of Sammi SweatStains is beyond me.  It’s nice that everyone is back for the final season and by “nice” I of course mean “contractually obligated.”  Now look, I know I am an old bastard.  I’ve never said I wasn’t.  However, putting this on for 2 hours from 10pm – 12am was like making me stare at a turning mobile in my crib.  To sum up, this sh*t is a snooze-fest and most likely coma inducing.  Everyone got boring and got boring really quickly, but no one was more boring than Grandpa Situation.  You see, boys and girls, Grandpa Sitch used to be on “the drugs” for all the other seasons, but decided to swing by “the ‘hab” for a little detox prior to filming and is now completely sober…and uninteresting.  Apparently the drugs he used to do were to blame for that odd southern-thug-accent he used to sport during all his one-on-one interviews because like his youthful look, it’s gone.  At one point Sitch even says that he hasn’t driven over the bridge to the Jersey Shore sober in 3 summers.  Well that’s reassuring, MTV.  Jesus take the wheel…literally.  Well, Jesus or the boom mic operator.  I mean, anyone.  Someone please, take the wheel because Sitch could have killed innocent people and then we would have been visiting Amber, Ronnie and Sitch in the slammer-lammer-ding-dong (it’s like the musical version of jail).  And for those playing along at home tonight, the magic word was “clean.”  Everyone kept saying things like, “Yeah, Mike is clean now.” And, “I hope Mike stays clean.”  It’s like a bad after-school special but, like, starring a cast of talking rusted  dumpsters.

Oh and VaDeena got a new face and, quite possibly, an entirely new head.  She also lost a ton of weight so she’s more like a turkey meatball now…meaning a little bit lean, has a weird smell and aftertaste, and still gives you a ton of gas.  Obviously she got her nose done, but her eyes look different as does her chin.  Watching scenes with her mom was like a looking at “Before and After” meth photos which, by the way, is one of me and my sisters favorite past-times.  VaDeena also scooped herself up a boyfriend who is merely inches taller than her.  She’s really giving Snooki and Jionni a run for their “it’s almost running out” money.   VaDeena legit cries almost the entire episode because she already misses her boyfriend, Chris.  They’ve been going out for 9-months and have only spent 2 days apart.  That sounds healthy.  It’s like she traded up her addiction to booze to an addiction to plastic surgery and then traded that addiction up to an addiction to the ding-a-ling.  There’s a theme with her apparently.  If I gave two Shasta McNasty’s I would try to analyze it better but, alas, I am sans Shasta.

As if things couldn’t get any more boring, Snooki is still pregnant yet still seems to be the same weight as she was pre-pregnancy.  Since she can’t drink, party, or dance she isn’t fun at all.  Even her one-on-one interviews are boring.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta looks bloated and exhausted from counting his 11 million dollars.  Vinny grew a little hair and now is trying to remain celibate. JWoww ShamWow turned 52.  And Yawnie and Yawnie are back together and trying to work on their relationship.  Why didn’t the produces just line them up and call it a day with this season?  Here’s the deal, drinking and drugs make people fun.  Toss in some cameras and it’s a party.  I’m not suggesting that the common-folk take “the drugs” but just these people specifically.  Listening to Sitch talk about staying sober at “da club” for the first time since he was 21 (so, like, 30 years ago) was enough to make me starting reading a book with this show on in the background which I did.  I’m joking, I do not yet have the ability and skills to read the written word.  In fact, I’m having a monkey type what I say at this very moment.  That monkey, of course, is Bubbles.  Say hi everyone.  Where was I?

It’s nice to see Sam and Raaaahn (Staaahp Raaahn, staaahp!) getting along for a few minutes.  I really thought this dysfunctional couple was going to make it….that is until Raaahn starts drinking his and Sitch’s share of the drinks whilst at Karma.  After a few typical midget dance-offs he picks a fight with Sam over her….wait for it…wait for it…not eating enough during the day to prepare her for a night of drinking.  Somehow this turns into the lines of other girls he could have and how he wants Sam out of his face.  She of course is squinting and slurring and telling Yawnie not to talk to her like that and…blah…and Zzzz, Zzzz, Zzzzz.  No joke, I fell asleep for a spell whislt watching.  I assume they made up because when I awoke to such a clatter I saw Ronnie sledding down the stairs at Pedophile Manner with some blankets and Sam giving him the side-eye.  My first thought was, “Oh good, he didn’t literally murder her.”  Meanwhile, while the rest of the gang is at Karma (which totally has turned into your local VFW), Snooki is having dinner with Jionni.  Riveting.  Will she eat the mashed potatoes?  Will she share her steak?  If you’re like me, you can’t wait to find out the answers to that!  I once knew a girl who had her entire set of teeth done and she could still take steak.

The only thing that was somewhat entertaining was the fact the VaDeena was crying on the regular and trying to tell Vinny that she has anxiety and there’s something wrong with her.  Since Vinny is a certified bag of crazy he tries to let VaDeena know that she’s completely fine, but needs to stop crying. Oh, and I also did that “half laugh through my nose” when VaDeena and JWoww were at the bar and trying to figure out what the word “integrity” meant.  I believe they finally settled on the definition of “Not showing your gentlemen greeter at da club.”  It’s in Webster’s now. Anyway,  I think she hit tilt on the psycho-o-meter when she burst into tears when Vinny was talking to her boyfriend about furniture.  This is exactly what I’m talking about.  They’re all at “da club” and we’re forced to watch Vinny and some douche-nozzle discuss furniture option all while Grandpa Sitch sits there drinking Red Bull and realizing that all the chicks in this place are and always were busted.  This doesn’t stop Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and him from taking two pigs back to Pedophile Manor for a little game of “Who’s Still Willing to Bang on Camera” or “WSWBC” like no one calls it…yet.  Apparently the chick that Pauly D is supposed to do sex to has her period so he and Sitch decide to send these facia brutas home for the night.  I have to admit it’s times like this that I really start to miss Pauly D’s Israeli Stalker.  Those were happier times, more interesting times.

After what seems like 7 Sunday dinners and some random game where people pretend to throw Chinese darts at each other (for real) the two hours were coming to an end.  No joke, I am shocked by how bad it literally was.  Sure it was nice to see VaDeena with a new head and a good old-fashion Ronnie and Sam fight, but without Sitch all messed up and with the baby sucking out the personality from Snooki it left me thinking that I could probably go to bed a little earlier on future Thursday nights…or I could drink more, film it, watch it, and recap that.  Therefore I’ve settled on wearing a helmet-cam and letting the chips fall where they may.

Wanna be friends for life?  Click here to join me on my Facebook page!

Jersey Shore Recap: Jean Shirts and Cloned Greeters

This show is horrific.  Finding 9 things to discuss was like trying to figure out exactly where Vinny’s left eye is looking.

1.  It’s Refreshing to See Angelina at “Da Club” – You know times on the Shore are tough when part of the crapisode consists of a cameo by Angelina Trash Bags.  And you know what?  I kinda missed her.  I missed her trash bags.  It really seemed like simpler times.  Although I must admit that when I see her I immediately think she must be kicking herself each and every day for skipping out on this money train only to try and stay in the spotlight by hanging with people like Kim G and Michael Lohan.  Also, she’s already starting to look like a typical Jersey Shore mother…and it ain’t pretty.

2.  I Guess DTF Now Stands for “Dance, Talk, Friends” – Either the guys are losing their game or the female patrons at Karma are getting a little bit smarter.  This time around whilst everyone is out at “da club” the guys immediately scoop up some club algae whilst everyone else is dancing to music that sounds like an alarm to signal a nuclear holocaust and moving like the bed bugs that have taken up shop in their crotches are also trying to beat the beat.  Grandpa Sitch brings home a classy dame that decides once she’s in bed she’s “shy” and just wants to sleep.  I’m sorry, but you’re in a bed, after “da club” in the famed Pedophile Manor.  It’s like once you’re technically on the rollercoaster you have to ride the ride.  Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta brings home a girl who doesn’t even make it out of the cab before she spills the bloody beans that she’s on her period so Pauly D gives her a hug goodbye and officially ends his night.  Had Vinny’s mom been visiting for the weekend I’m sure Pauly D’s night could have ended much differently.

3.  If You Tip Me in Protein Powder, I Sh*t in Your Breakfast – Since Grandpa Sitch is such a stand-up guy he decides to tip the delivery boy with one protein pack and, sadly, this is not a joke.  He could have at least let him come in the house and motorboat JWoww.  I mean, the mail man surely does.  Also, maybe this is just because I live in NYC, but since when are food delivery people teenagers?  My delivery people are typically middle-aged men with whom the government may technically not know live here in the good old “states.”  But who am I to judge?  It beat me having to go and pick it up myself.

4.  Is Cloning JWoww’s Vagina a Scientific Breakthrough? – It’s the one year anniversary of JWoww and Mr. Rogers fighting over the phone each and every night so JWoww wants to make sure they have a romantic evening so she’s decorating the smoosh room by scattering rose petals all over the herpes and man juice that has set up shop on the mattress.  She even takes things to the next level by heading out to the sex shop to buy cutesy things like furry handcuffs and other normal things like a kit in which you can make a clone of your “gentlemen greeter.”  To be honest I was surprised that you couldn’t already buy clones of JWoww’s vagiola at your local 7-11 in the “gifting” section.  Either way, I’m pretty sure that when JWoww clones it, it will of course look like your standard macaroni jewelry box.  Yeah, let your kind go there for a minute.

5.  An Ode to Ronnie: A Bed is Thrown Out Onto the Deck – Tip your 40 because Pauly D and Vinny are tugging at our heart strings by reminding us all of when this show was good by removing a bed from the smoosh room and throwing it out onto the balcony deck.  Sure it was a prank but it was priceless that Sammi (who’s still on this show) was the one to find it.  You totally know as soon as she saw a bed out there she checked her room first and then looked for Ronnie’s whereabouts second.  At one point I thought I saw her in the background throwing her own Yaffa Blocks around the room just to beat Raaaahn to the punch.  Literally.  #IHitYouBecauseILoveYou

6.  Jwoww’s Boobs are the Original Meatballs – Those things stand at attention and look like rocks.  That is all.

7.  Because Vinny Is Totally The Gaps Demographic – What in the holy hell was Vinny wearing before heading out to “da club?”  As everyone is busy ironing their t-shirts and spraying cologne in the pits to lessen the genuine B.O smell, Vinny pulls the “gotcha gotcha” on The America by sporting a plaid and denim collared shirt, khakis that are rolled up past his ankles, and actual Keds.  To sum up, he’s wearing every trend he can think of all at once.  I think it’s nice that he wanted to dress like Ellen.  Annnnyway.

8.  I Don’t Care About The Unit/Situation Plan to “Tell Jionni” – Seriously, no one cares.  There is literally nothing else going on with this show, per usual, and the shock of how people from New Jersey look, act, and live has completely worn off.  Therefore, we’re forced to see Grandpa Sitch talk in his southern thug accent and recruit The Unit with his Annie perm to come to “da club” and finally tell Jionni that Snooki bobbed for apples in Sitch’s lap while she was dating Jionni.  I’m pretty sure Sitch has been trying to tell Jionni this since Italy.  I don’t even think Jionni would care.  It’s expected.  Now if Grandpa Sitch tried to say that Snooki’s baby might be his, that would be a whole other story.  Regardless, Sitch’s plan is foiled again because as he and The Unit are walking home from “da club” The Unit is picked up by the police for walking home drunk…so Sitch is forced to tell Jionni the next morning…which will take place next week.  Also, who cares?

9.  Join Me on My Facebook Page – Because it’s more fun than this show is.  Click here!

What Snooki Being Pregnant Means for You, Me, Her, and The America

It was only a matter of time that our beloved Snooki would be shooting a tiny leopard print baby out of her gentlemen greeter.  Many of you have emailed IBBB to get my take on this momentous occasion.  Here’s what I think Snooki’s pregnancy means for you, me, her and the rest of The America (certain parts of Canada may, of course, look away).

1. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome becomes all the rage with “the kids” and t-shirts with sayings like “Down Eyes = No Surprise” start flying off the shelves.
2. Breast feeding whilst Jersey Turnpiking becomes a motherhood best practice.
3. MADD decides if you drink it through a straw you’re sober enough to drive and, therefore, change their name to “Mothers As Drunk Drivers.”
4. Onsies just got a whole lot sluttier.
5. The Red Cross starts setting up tents and passing out blankets and coffee directly outside of Snooki’s vagina.
6. It’s now all about a watermelon coming out of a pinhole.
7. When Ronnie throws Sammi’s bed during their next fight expect to see a crib flying by your screen.
8. Tanning salons nationwide now start offering you goggles and pitocin.
9. VaDeena automagically goes back to being the thinner meatball.
10. Huggies abandons all marketing strategies and decides that sh*tting your pants and the bed is now on trend.
11. The baby is instantly the same height as Jionni.
12. Snooki’s UTI is now nationally known as having an “Ugly Toddler Incident.”
13. The terrorist win.
14. Placenta shots become a thing.
15. Jealous of all the attention, JWoww flips her “W’s” and now goes by the name “JMomm.”
16. Susan G Komen re-reconsiders their planned parenthood support.
17. All of a sudden the fact that the Vlasic Pickles mascot is a stork makes complete sense.
18. MTV is quickly reediting the opening credits to “I’m going to the Jersey Shore…Memorial Hospital, bitch!”
19. Stink-eye is seamlessly replaced by pink-eye.
20. Whitney left just in time.
21. Pedialyte introduces their new tequila flavor with gummy worm at the bottom of the bottle.
22. In retrospect, the dude who punched Snooki in the face during Season 1 kinda seems like a pioneer.
23. Britney Spears finally can breathe a sigh of relief.
24. Karma starts handing out toothpicks at “da club” so you can now dilate yourself to 6 (at least).
25. Child Protective Services quickly removes their hiring freeze.
26. Ripped up vag is the Universe’s rebuttal.

Orange you glad I didn’t say abortion?

Jersey Shore Recap: 10 Things Not Worth Discussing

Like an innocent night that starts out with just one simple beer and leads to 12, I have almost no recollection of what actually happened last night on Jersey Shore.  I think it’s safe to assume that abnormally short and orange-shaded people were drunk and fell down, but I’m thinking there must have been more to fill the hour than just that?  Oh, there wasn’t?  Oh.  Since the level of love I’m receiving from these Jersey Shore recaps is dying faster than VaDeena’s soul, let’s just briefly chat it out about some of the “high” points from last night criggity-crapisode.

1. Roger Fights Blurry Faced Bar Patrons – When some dude with a blurred out face tries to prevent JWoww ShamWow from leaving “da club” he may have gone too far by pulling down her shirt a smidge.  Her boyfriend Roger, who may or may not actually be Grandpa Sitch’s biological father, spewed out the typical Jersey pleasantries by telling the guy to “Go take a walk, buddy.”  Since words really aren’t technically weapons, he decided to punch this guy in the face, nearly knocking the blur off of it and revealing who he really was.  Sadly, this young patron with severe liver damage, burnt skin, and “Hitler mustache eyebrows” was kicked out of Karma never to be seen or heard from again.  Thanks to Roger, JWoww’s breasts are safe in their shirt tonight.  Sleep well America.  Sleep well.

2. It’s “Opposites Day” at Pedophile Manor – Since the ladies of Pedophile Manor are trying to get it in on the regular, a drunken night after “da club” only makes them more like rabid raccoons in heat.  Do raccoons even have sex?  I’m not quite sure.  They may lay eggs at the bottom of the ocean and then hibernate for the winter.  At least that’s how I think it works.  Either way, Snooki and JWoww both are horned up and slurry, yet their boyfriends would rather not touch them if at all possible.  In Jionni’s defense he’s been forcing himself to throw up after a night of drinking and would rather just sleep, which makes sense because he’s going to have a long day ahead of him of scrubbing last nights bronzer off of his Danny DeVito-like body.  Meanwhile, Roger would rather eat petite chicken salad sandwiches made by Grandpa Sitch.  Remember when this show was good?

3. Seriously, What’s Mentally Wrong With Ronnie? – I’m not even joking.  He’s like the guy from I Am Sam, right?  During his one on one interview about Roger and JWoww not having sex he just keeps making himself laugh by saying that Roger needs to…wait for it…wait for it….take his Viagra.  Get it?  He’s old and, clearly, 1997 Viagra jokes are still all the craze on the Shore. Seriously, where’s my gong when I need it!?  Oh Ronnie, take more Xendrine and just keep on keepin’ it real.

4.  Crab Jokes are the New Viagra Jokes – The douche bag brigade decides to do a little fishing for crabs off the dock because, well, they’ve already fist-fought each other over the past 2 years so it’s time to try a new activity and, clearly, fishing is it.  Everyone decides to make the obligatory “I caught crabs” joke, which is extremely ironic because I’m pretty sure if you flipped through their baby books you’d learn that “I caught crabs” was also their first words.  Awww, Jersey.  So cute (shake my rattle).   Grandpa Sitch decides to stop fishing and daintily lay out on the dock in his standard Suzanne Somers “Thigh Master” pose all whilst the gang places a tiny crab on his chest.  Sitch, per usual, freaks the F out and if it wasn’t so damn windy out I’m sure we would have heard him squeal.  Also, had he be sporting a pearl necklace he certainly would have been clutching them.

5.  Greasy Fried Meatballs in a Boat – Since Snooki is single handedly trying to do anything to save this show, she and VaDeena decide it’s time to get off the dock and into an inflatable boat.  Here, here!  I have to admit this was one part of the crapisode that I actually laughed at.  First off, it’s so windy that Snooki and VaDeena are almost blown off the dock and into the water with their boat, which is fitting since they’ve most likely done a lot of blowing themselves on said dock.  Once they make it into the water they just float around, almost get stuck under the dock, and then start screaming when the boat is rocking after Ronnie partially deflated it (just like he’s done to Sam’s heart.  See what I did there?).  VaDeena tries to use her Nonni sausage arms to lift herself out of the inflatable boat and into an actual boat, but the gang is yelling for her to be careful because the boat is sharp (?).  They keep yelling, “Sharp! Sharp!” but since the gel from VaDeena’s hair is now running into her ears she thinks they’re yelling “Shark! Shark!”  Oh what fun.  It was a real hoot watching VaDeena try to abandon Snooki on the raft all whilst stretched out between that raft and the real boat.  I’m pretty sure that’s the most exercise VaDeena has experienced this fiscal year.  I felt like I’d choose the fiscal year as an odd reference point.  Achieved.  Anyjunk, the “girls” are safe because they realize that they’re only in about 3 feet of water.  So it’s only up to their chin(s).

6.  The Stalker Is Getting More Screen Time Than Ronnie/Sam Combined – Vanessa the stalker is back!  This time around JWoww decides to confront her outside the t-shirt store.  What was more interesting to me (besides the fact that I’m almost certain, again, that she’s really Taylor Lautner with a braid) is how dozens and dozens of people just stand outside of the t-shirt store and watch them work.  Really?  Fine, I’d do it too.  But still, I’d never sign the waiver for them to show my face!  Fine, I would.  But I wouldn’t draw attention to myself!  Fine, I’d wear a giant IBBB foam hat.  But I’d certainly never stalk someone!  Fine, I have.  But it never would be someone from a reality show!  Fine, guilty as charged.  But I certainly wouldn’t freeze up like the stalker did when JWoww started talking to her on camera!  Fine, I’d zone out like Cindy Brady on that random game show when the red light went on.  Either way, Vanessa the stalker is creeptastic and I fell in love with her the second she tried to hide whatever was in her giant bag with a flannel blanket.  I don’t know why everyone was trying to figure out what she had in the bag.  Obviously it was the aborted baby she had after a one-night stand with Pauly D.  Are abortion jokes in poor form during the Lenten season?  Most likely.  I’ll give myself ashes to make up for it.  P.S., remember “Blessing of the Throats?”  I used to love that.  Me and my sister use to steal the candlesticks from my parents dining room table and play “Blessing of the Throats” all the live-long-day.  Explains a lot.

7.  To the “I’m a D.T.F Girl” – You officially made yourself look like a slut on national television.  Your parents must be beaming with pride and I’m sure future employers can’t wait to get their hands on you!  Literally.

8.  I Admit It, I Like the Bunny Suit – There, I said it.  I love props.  I love props when you’re drinking.  It just increases the happiness of life.  And it always cracks me up when Snooki has the bunny head on and pushes her boobs together and dances.  Call me old fashioned.

9.  Snooki Likes “The Drink” – If there’s one thing that Snooki enjoys, it’s being a drunky drunkerson.  She and VaDeena are drinking their facia brutas off and even when “da club” closes they decided to continue the party into the ocean, by hopping the fence at the beach and going for a little late night swim.  Nothing like dunking the beaver into the salt water at 2am to really clean things up.  This suddenly turns into the poor mans “Cherish” video as we watch VaDeena flail her arms and roll around in the water and onto the sand like a, you guessed it, beached whale.  Sadly, those soda can plastic rings that seagulls always seem to get their head caught in was nowhere to be found on this faithful night.  I would have loved to see VaDeena and Snooki with their heads caught in the 6-pack plastic rings whilst being ushered off the beach by the 5-0.  While we’re at it, I’d also like to feed them Pop Rocks and Coke and, well, just let the chips fall where they may.  Romeo and Juliet, they never felt this way, I bet so don’t underestimate my point of view.

10.  In the End – In the end other stuff happened, like Snooki buying a mini motorcycle for Ronnie, hijacking it from him, drunkenly riding it, almost riding over an old man (who oddly asked her to stop riding in front of him), and then almost crashing it onto the sand.  Oh, and they’re still trying to push this whole “Vinny/Snooki/Jionni love triangle.”  I couldn’t care less.  I’m just interested in Snooki sneaking back to the outdoor bar to down her shots and go the hell home.  Just think, one day Snooki is going to be a mother.  I hope they film that.  And I hope they air it on OWN.  She needs the help.

11.  Join Me on Facebook – Because I’m drunk in a boat on my Facebook page.  You should see it.  Click here to join me!