Jersey Shore Recap: Jean Shirts and Cloned Greeters

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This show is horrific.  Finding 9 things to discuss was like trying to figure out exactly where Vinny’s left eye is looking.

1.  It’s Refreshing to See Angelina at “Da Club” – You know times on the Shore are tough when part of the crapisode consists of a cameo by Angelina Trash Bags.  And you know what?  I kinda missed her.  I missed her trash bags.  It really seemed like simpler times.  Although I must admit that when I see her I immediately think she must be kicking herself each and every day for skipping out on this money train only to try and stay in the spotlight by hanging with people like Kim G and Michael Lohan.  Also, she’s already starting to look like a typical Jersey Shore mother…and it ain’t pretty.

2.  I Guess DTF Now Stands for “Dance, Talk, Friends” – Either the guys are losing their game or the female patrons at Karma are getting a little bit smarter.  This time around whilst everyone is out at “da club” the guys immediately scoop up some club algae whilst everyone else is dancing to music that sounds like an alarm to signal a nuclear holocaust and moving like the bed bugs that have taken up shop in their crotches are also trying to beat the beat.  Grandpa Sitch brings home a classy dame that decides once she’s in bed she’s “shy” and just wants to sleep.  I’m sorry, but you’re in a bed, after “da club” in the famed Pedophile Manor.  It’s like once you’re technically on the rollercoaster you have to ride the ride.  Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta brings home a girl who doesn’t even make it out of the cab before she spills the bloody beans that she’s on her period so Pauly D gives her a hug goodbye and officially ends his night.  Had Vinny’s mom been visiting for the weekend I’m sure Pauly D’s night could have ended much differently.

3.  If You Tip Me in Protein Powder, I Sh*t in Your Breakfast – Since Grandpa Sitch is such a stand-up guy he decides to tip the delivery boy with one protein pack and, sadly, this is not a joke.  He could have at least let him come in the house and motorboat JWoww.  I mean, the mail man surely does.  Also, maybe this is just because I live in NYC, but since when are food delivery people teenagers?  My delivery people are typically middle-aged men with whom the government may technically not know live here in the good old “states.”  But who am I to judge?  It beat me having to go and pick it up myself.

4.  Is Cloning JWoww’s Vagina a Scientific Breakthrough? – It’s the one year anniversary of JWoww and Mr. Rogers fighting over the phone each and every night so JWoww wants to make sure they have a romantic evening so she’s decorating the smoosh room by scattering rose petals all over the herpes and man juice that has set up shop on the mattress.  She even takes things to the next level by heading out to the sex shop to buy cutesy things like furry handcuffs and other normal things like a kit in which you can make a clone of your “gentlemen greeter.”  To be honest I was surprised that you couldn’t already buy clones of JWoww’s vagiola at your local 7-11 in the “gifting” section.  Either way, I’m pretty sure that when JWoww clones it, it will of course look like your standard macaroni jewelry box.  Yeah, let your kind go there for a minute.

5.  An Ode to Ronnie: A Bed is Thrown Out Onto the Deck – Tip your 40 because Pauly D and Vinny are tugging at our heart strings by reminding us all of when this show was good by removing a bed from the smoosh room and throwing it out onto the balcony deck.  Sure it was a prank but it was priceless that Sammi (who’s still on this show) was the one to find it.  You totally know as soon as she saw a bed out there she checked her room first and then looked for Ronnie’s whereabouts second.  At one point I thought I saw her in the background throwing her own Yaffa Blocks around the room just to beat Raaaahn to the punch.  Literally.  #IHitYouBecauseILoveYou

6.  Jwoww’s Boobs are the Original Meatballs – Those things stand at attention and look like rocks.  That is all.

7.  Because Vinny Is Totally The Gaps Demographic – What in the holy hell was Vinny wearing before heading out to “da club?”  As everyone is busy ironing their t-shirts and spraying cologne in the pits to lessen the genuine B.O smell, Vinny pulls the “gotcha gotcha” on The America by sporting a plaid and denim collared shirt, khakis that are rolled up past his ankles, and actual Keds.  To sum up, he’s wearing every trend he can think of all at once.  I think it’s nice that he wanted to dress like Ellen.  Annnnyway.

8.  I Don’t Care About The Unit/Situation Plan to “Tell Jionni” – Seriously, no one cares.  There is literally nothing else going on with this show, per usual, and the shock of how people from New Jersey look, act, and live has completely worn off.  Therefore, we’re forced to see Grandpa Sitch talk in his southern thug accent and recruit The Unit with his Annie perm to come to “da club” and finally tell Jionni that Snooki bobbed for apples in Sitch’s lap while she was dating Jionni.  I’m pretty sure Sitch has been trying to tell Jionni this since Italy.  I don’t even think Jionni would care.  It’s expected.  Now if Grandpa Sitch tried to say that Snooki’s baby might be his, that would be a whole other story.  Regardless, Sitch’s plan is foiled again because as he and The Unit are walking home from “da club” The Unit is picked up by the police for walking home drunk…so Sitch is forced to tell Jionni the next morning…which will take place next week.  Also, who cares?

9.  Join Me on My Facebook Page – Because it’s more fun than this show is.  Click here!

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What Snooki Being Pregnant Means for You, Me, Her, and The America

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It was only a matter of time that our beloved Snooki would be shooting a tiny leopard print baby out of her gentlemen greeter.  Many of you have emailed IBBB to get my take on this momentous occasion.  Here’s what I think Snooki’s pregnancy means for you, me, her and the rest of The America (certain parts of Canada may, of course, look away).

  1. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome becomes all the rage with “the kids” and t-shirts with sayings like “Down Eyes = No Surprise” start flying off the shelves.
  2. Breast feeding whilst Jersey Turnpiking becomes a motherhood best practice.
  3. MADD decides if you drink it through a straw you’re sober enough to drive and, therefore, change their name to “Mothers As Drunk Drivers.”
  4. Onsies just got a whole lot sluttier.
  5. The Red Cross starts setting up tents and passing out blankets and coffee directly outside of Snooki’s vagina.
  6. It’s now all about a watermelon coming out of a pinhole.
  7. When Ronnie throws Sammi’s bed during their next fight expect to see a crib flying by your screen.
  8. Tanning salons nationwide now start offering you goggles and pitocin.
  9. VaDeena automagically goes back to being the thinner meatball.
  10. Huggies abandons all marketing strategies and decides that sh*tting your pants and the bed is now on trend.
  11. The baby is instantly the same height as Jionni.
  12. Snooki’s UTI is now nationally known as having an “Ugly Toddler Incident.”
  13. The terrorist win.
  14. Placenta shots become a thing.
  15. Jealous of all the attention, JWoww flips her “W’s” and now goes by the name “JMomm.”
  16. Susan G Komen re-reconsiders their planned parenthood support.
  17. All of a sudden the fact that the Vlasic Pickles mascot is a stork makes complete sense.
  18. MTV is quickly reediting the opening credits to “I’m going to the Jersey Shore…Memorial Hospital, bitch!”
  19. Stink-eye is seamlessly replaced by pink-eye.
  20. Whitney left just in time.
  21. Pedialyte introduces their new tequila flavor with gummy worm at the bottom of the bottle.
  22. In retrospect, the dude who punched Snooki in the face during Season 1 kinda seems like a pioneer.
  23. Britney Spears finally can breathe a sigh of relief.
  24. Karma starts handing out toothpicks at “da club” so you can now dilate yourself to 6 (at least).
  25. Child Protective Services quickly removes their hiring freeze.
  26. Ripped up vag is the Universe’s rebuttal.

Orange you glad I didn’t say abortion?

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Jersey Shore Recap: 10 Things Not Worth Discussing

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Like an innocent night that starts out with just one simple beer and leads to 12, I have almost no recollection of what actually happened last night on Jersey Shore.  I think it’s safe to assume that abnormally short and orange-shaded people were drunk and fell down, but I’m thinking there must have been more to fill the hour than just that?  Oh, there wasn’t?  Oh.  Since the level of love I’m receiving from these Jersey Shore recaps is dying faster than VaDeena’s soul, let’s just briefly chat it out about some of the “high” points from last night criggity-crapisode.

1. Roger Fights Blurry Faced Bar Patrons – When some dude with a blurred out face tries to prevent JWoww ShamWow from leaving “da club” he may have gone too far by pulling down her shirt a smidge.  Her boyfriend Roger, who may or may not actually be Grandpa Sitch’s biological father, spewed out the typical Jersey pleasantries by telling the guy to “Go take a walk, buddy.”  Since words really aren’t technically weapons, he decided to punch this guy in the face, nearly knocking the blur off of it and revealing who he really was.  Sadly, this young patron with severe liver damage, burnt skin, and “Hitler mustache eyebrows” was kicked out of Karma never to be seen or heard from again.  Thanks to Roger, JWoww’s breasts are safe in their shirt tonight.  Sleep well America.  Sleep well.

2. It’s “Opposites Day” at Pedophile Manor – Since the ladies of Pedophile Manor are trying to get it in on the regular, a drunken night after “da club” only makes them more like rabid raccoons in heat.  Do raccoons even have sex?  I’m not quite sure.  They may lay eggs at the bottom of the ocean and then hibernate for the winter.  At least that’s how I think it works.  Either way, Snooki and JWoww both are horned up and slurry, yet their boyfriends would rather not touch them if at all possible.  In Jionni’s defense he’s been forcing himself to throw up after a night of drinking and would rather just sleep, which makes sense because he’s going to have a long day ahead of him of scrubbing last nights bronzer off of his Danny DeVito-like body.  Meanwhile, Roger would rather eat petite chicken salad sandwiches made by Grandpa Sitch.  Remember when this show was good?

3. Seriously, What’s Mentally Wrong With Ronnie? – I’m not even joking.  He’s like the guy from I Am Sam, right?  During his one on one interview about Roger and JWoww not having sex he just keeps making himself laugh by saying that Roger needs to…wait for it…wait for it….take his Viagra.  Get it?  He’s old and, clearly, 1997 Viagra jokes are still all the craze on the Shore. Seriously, where’s my gong when I need it!?  Oh Ronnie, take more Xendrine and just keep on keepin’ it real.

4.  Crab Jokes are the New Viagra Jokes – The douche bag brigade decides to do a little fishing for crabs off the dock because, well, they’ve already fist-fought each other over the past 2 years so it’s time to try a new activity and, clearly, fishing is it.  Everyone decides to make the obligatory “I caught crabs” joke, which is extremely ironic because I’m pretty sure if you flipped through their baby books you’d learn that “I caught crabs” was also their first words.  Awww, Jersey.  So cute (shake my rattle).   Grandpa Sitch decides to stop fishing and daintily lay out on the dock in his standard Suzanne Somers “Thigh Master” pose all whilst the gang places a tiny crab on his chest.  Sitch, per usual, freaks the F out and if it wasn’t so damn windy out I’m sure we would have heard him squeal.  Also, had he be sporting a pearl necklace he certainly would have been clutching them.

5.  Greasy Fried Meatballs in a Boat – Since Snooki is single handedly trying to do anything to save this show, she and VaDeena decide it’s time to get off the dock and into an inflatable boat.  Here, here!  I have to admit this was one part of the crapisode that I actually laughed at.  First off, it’s so windy that Snooki and VaDeena are almost blown off the dock and into the water with their boat, which is fitting since they’ve most likely done a lot of blowing themselves on said dock.  Once they make it into the water they just float around, almost get stuck under the dock, and then start screaming when the boat is rocking after Ronnie partially deflated it (just like he’s done to Sam’s heart.  See what I did there?).  VaDeena tries to use her Nonni sausage arms to lift herself out of the inflatable boat and into an actual boat, but the gang is yelling for her to be careful because the boat is sharp (?).  They keep yelling, “Sharp! Sharp!” but since the gel from VaDeena’s hair is now running into her ears she thinks they’re yelling “Shark! Shark!”  Oh what fun.  It was a real hoot watching VaDeena try to abandon Snooki on the raft all whilst stretched out between that raft and the real boat.  I’m pretty sure that’s the most exercise VaDeena has experienced this fiscal year.  I felt like I’d choose the fiscal year as an odd reference point.  Achieved.  Anyjunk, the “girls” are safe because they realize that they’re only in about 3 feet of water.  So it’s only up to their chin(s).

6.  The Stalker Is Getting More Screen Time Than Ronnie/Sam Combined – Vanessa the stalker is back!  This time around JWoww decides to confront her outside the t-shirt store.  What was more interesting to me (besides the fact that I’m almost certain, again, that she’s really Taylor Lautner with a braid) is how dozens and dozens of people just stand outside of the t-shirt store and watch them work.  Really?  Fine, I’d do it too.  But still, I’d never sign the waiver for them to show my face!  Fine, I would.  But I wouldn’t draw attention to myself!  Fine, I’d wear a giant IBBB foam hat.  But I’d certainly never stalk someone!  Fine, I have.  But it never would be someone from a reality show!  Fine, guilty as charged.  But I certainly wouldn’t freeze up like the stalker did when JWoww started talking to her on camera!  Fine, I’d zone out like Cindy Brady on that random game show when the red light went on.  Either way, Vanessa the stalker is creeptastic and I fell in love with her the second she tried to hide whatever was in her giant bag with a flannel blanket.  I don’t know why everyone was trying to figure out what she had in the bag.  Obviously it was the aborted baby she had after a one-night stand with Pauly D.  Are abortion jokes in poor form during the Lenten season?  Most likely.  I’ll give myself ashes to make up for it.  P.S., remember “Blessing of the Throats?”  I used to love that.  Me and my sister use to steal the candlesticks from my parents dining room table and play “Blessing of the Throats” all the live-long-day.  Explains a lot.

7.  To the “I’m a D.T.F Girl” – You officially made yourself look like a slut on national television.  Your parents must be beaming with pride and I’m sure future employers can’t wait to get their hands on you!  Literally.

8.  I Admit It, I Like the Bunny Suit – There, I said it.  I love props.  I love props when you’re drinking.  It just increases the happiness of life.  And it always cracks me up when Snooki has the bunny head on and pushes her boobs together and dances.  Call me old fashioned.

9.  Snooki Likes “The Drink” – If there’s one thing that Snooki enjoys, it’s being a drunky drunkerson.  She and VaDeena are drinking their facia brutas off and even when “da club” closes they decided to continue the party into the ocean, by hopping the fence at the beach and going for a little late night swim.  Nothing like dunking the beaver into the salt water at 2am to really clean things up.  This suddenly turns into the poor mans “Cherish” video as we watch VaDeena flail her arms and roll around in the water and onto the sand like a, you guessed it, beached whale.  Sadly, those soda can plastic rings that seagulls always seem to get their head caught in was nowhere to be found on this faithful night.  I would have loved to see VaDeena and Snooki with their heads caught in the 6-pack plastic rings whilst being ushered off the beach by the 5-0.  While we’re at it, I’d also like to feed them Pop Rocks and Coke and, well, just let the chips fall where they may.  Romeo and Juliet, they never felt this way, I bet so don’t underestimate my point of view.

10.  In the End – In the end other stuff happened, like Snooki buying a mini motorcycle for Ronnie, hijacking it from him, drunkenly riding it, almost riding over an old man (who oddly asked her to stop riding in front of him), and then almost crashing it onto the sand.  Oh, and they’re still trying to push this whole “Vinny/Snooki/Jionni love triangle.”  I couldn’t care less.  I’m just interested in Snooki sneaking back to the outdoor bar to down her shots and go the hell home.  Just think, one day Snooki is going to be a mother.  I hope they film that.  And I hope they air it on OWN.  She needs the help.

11.  Join Me on Facebook – Because I’m drunk in a boat on my Facebook page.  You should see it.  Click here to join me!

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Jersey Shore Recap: Pauly D’s Stalker 2.0

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So I’m convinced that when Grandpa Sitch is on the phone, there’s actually no one else on the other end.  Either that or he forgets that the call is on speaker phone and we can actually hear what the other person is saying.  This time around Sitch is chit-chattin’ with his boyfriend, The Unit, via the duck phone and we learn that VaDeena’s sister, Joanie (fitting) is dating Grandpa Sitch’s brother.  Why this is making it’s way on to the show is beyond me, but all I know is that it’s officially getting more camera time than Sam and Ron (stap Rahn, stap!) this season.  Seriously, are Ike and AnnaMae even on the show anymore?  I mean,  I never thought I’d say I miss their fighting but, well, I haven’t seen a bed thrown to and fro and it’s making my stomach feel homesick.  Either way, apparently Joanie is doing something sexual and dirty with Stich’s brother because they keep on beeping it out and Sitch just keeps saying, “Ohhhh!” the whole time.  I’ll assume she probably takes dumps on guys chests or licks bums or something.  Also, I picture Joanie took exactly like VaDeena, but with gray streaks in her hair and a little more 80′s.

Later everyone is out at “da club” and Vinny’s wonky eye is trying to juggle two chicks that he thinks are either a “5/6″ or a “7/8″ but his Beiber glasses must be a little foggy because one is about a “2/3″ and the other one is a lesbian.  Why VaDeena isn’t Jersey Turnpiking that chicks steam wagon is one for the great philosophers.  Instead she’s keeping the “2/3″ entertained whilst Vinny tries to convert the lesbian.  I’m sure Vinny’s “v-shaped” haircut is making her think that she’s actually talking to a lesbian right now but, alas, he’s actually a man.  Maybe  he can seal the deal if he (snicker snicker) shows her his (snicker snicker) “Let Go, Let God” tattoo across his chest (snicker snicker).  I’m sure he’s not regretting that yet.  Goon.  While the lesbian conversion process is going on, Snooki and VaDeena are dancing their fat asses off.  VaDeena is looking more and more like “witch costume” that Lucy is wearing during “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”  You know it, I know it, and that damn witch knows it.  Meanwhile, Snooki is so drunk and has no clue what’s going on, per usual, so she just decides to pull an Irish Goodbye and peace the F out.  This, of course, means that she’s stuck at a window thinking it’s a door, but slowly makes her way out onto the Boardwalk, stumbles home, and falls into bed like a good Snooki does.  P.S., her fury boots must smell like feces and shame.  In that order.

The next morning after Snooki wakes up, falls off the hammock, and then sweeps the Smoosh Room bed with a broom and falls back asleep with the broom in between her legs…it’s time to go to work!  This is the part that I never understand.  Why are they working?  And not only are they working, but they’re forced to work.  It’s not like Teen Mom where the girls pretend they don’t have any money and need the paycheck.  This crew basically admits they don’t need the money and, clearly, don’t have the skills to hold down “work.”  And the worst is that Danny Tanner from the musty T-shirt Shop always throws a b*tch fit every time someone is sleeping on the job or, in Snooki and VaDeena’s case, go running from the store and into a bar.  He should be grateful that they do this or his dumb store would probably never make the final edit.  Things turn into an episode of Tom & Jerry when Team Sausage Arms runs from the store and Danny Tanner ends up finding them drinking and dancing at the bar up the street.  Snooki of course just tries to hide under a bar stool and when he says, “Snooki I see you” she just literally runs from him.  VaDeena looks confused, in the same way I’m sure she looked as a child trying to understand the concept of Hide-N-Seek.

The crapisode and season as a whole isn’t going so well for JWoww.  You see she’s fighting with Roger, who isn’t paying enough attention to her, and she’s feeling like she’s got a case of “the sads.”  Personally I think she’s over this show and is praying to sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary that Dancing With the Stars gives her a call so she can peace out from this junk once and for all.  I miss the days of JWoww being trashed with skunk hair and buying packages of ham and water after a night out at “da club.”  Didn’t those seem like simpler times?  Yawn. Meanwhile we all get to take part in the birth of a new Pauly D/Ellen Travolta stalker!  This chick looks nuts, which makes me immediately like her.  First off she’s always dressed in a Pauly D trucker hat with a tight yellow t-shirt that says “Cabs are Here” and she sits outside of all the places that Pauly D goes and, in most cases, walks along side of him on the Boardwalk with a smirk on her face and dead-bunny-in-a-boiling-pot look in her eyes.  Oh, and she also looks like Taylor Lautner in a wig.  So there’s that too.  I can’t tell if she’s orange or actually another race.  Either way, she’s a murder-suicide dream come true.

Since Vinny doesn’t feel like he’s got an upset stomach anymore he’s back to his old tricks like bringing the stalker over to Pauly D, who genuinely seems scared for his life, to introduce her.  She walks all slovenly over to Pauly D and extends her hand (that’s probably been down her shorts the whole time) with this creepy gap-toothed smile on her facia bruta.  We learn her name is Vanessa and she is clearly a messa.  See what I did there?  I’m like a blogging rapper or some sh*t.  After Vinny scrams (sidenote:  I’m incorporating the word “scram” back into my daily lingo) Pauly D is left to make smalltalk with the stalker who apparently wears the same outfit every day and must stink like sweat, a little piss, and a lot of desperation.  In her defense, we’ve all been there.  They awkwardly just look at each other for a few seconds until Pauly D goes running to the bathroom and Vanessa the Stalker kind of giggles away, never to been seen of or heard from again.  Most likely directly after this she went home to drill herself for a spell.

Nothing else interesting really went down after this.  I mean, we did get to hear Grandpa Sitch talk to VaDeena’s sister, Joanie, on the phone and, well, that was interesting.  She 100% sounds like Lois Griffin on the phone and now I’m convinced more than ever that she probably looks like her too.  Let’s see, what else?  Oh.  Ronnie bought the game Toss and Snooki played in a box for a little while.  Not the first time and certainly not the last.  In the end, JWoww decides to call Roger after Pauly D and Vinny convince her that she was wrong and should apologize.  The conversation takes a turn for the worse when Roger decides it’s his time to “vent” and basically tells her to grow up and stop being so insecure.  He’s totally going to regret this if she ends up on Dancing With the Stars…as will America.  As.  Will.  America.

Wanna talk all things Jersey Shore?  Click here to join me on my Facebook page and let’s get creepy!

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Jersey Shore Recap: Let Go, Let God…Let This Series End

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I used to really look forward to the night when Jersey Shore was on.  Now I give it the classic side-eye like I do when I see “the kids” still trying to pull off the “hipster” look in the poor parts of NYC.  Yawn.  Either way, I watched it so I’ll write a little ditty about it…just without the rhymes.  But how awesome would that be if I rhymed this whole thing?  Everyone is still so scriptedly sad that Vinny and his wonktastic eye is still living in Staten Island, as are the people in Staten Island, and even Grandpa Sitch pulled “the dip” and hasn’t been back since (about 2 hours).  The Danny Tanner of the T-Shirt Store comes by Pedophile Manor (because the producers called him and made him) to scare the roommates into thinking that he’s going to hire some new T-shirt sellers if they can’t get their sh*t together.  Everyone looks scared but mainly because Danny Tanner is the whitest thing in their house, with the exception of that one stray white hair that you totally know has sprouted by VaDeena’s inseam.  At no point does Danny Tanner say that they’re going to get a new roommate, but for the remainder of the crapisode they all keep crying and pouting that they don’t want another roommate because they’ll never know what the rest of them went through for the past 5 houses.  Really?  You mean prospective roommates are sans eyes?  Because I’m pretty sure you can watch these episodes to figure it all out.  I mean, even if they hadn’t seen it they can sum up 5 seasons by one overarching theme:  Y’all Got Herp.

Meanwhile, the girls are planning a surprise party at Karma (puke) for both Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Sitch.  They’re in the process of meeting with the guy who gets the strippers, which I’m pretty sure is called a pimp.  This guy is great.  He’s on camera and asking them what kind of things they want the strippers to do to the guys.  If JWoww ShamWow wasn’t talking this guy down a bit he was about one suggestion away from suggesting an abortion being performed on Grandpa Sitch’s bare chest.  I can’t wait to see what these “walking itches” look like.  P.S., how “over all this” is JWoww?  She can give almost as much of a sh*t as I give about this.  The only difference is that she’s getting paid for this and I’m doing this as community service.  Oh, and she’s orange and I’m as white as VaDeen’s one stray hair.  You know the one (insert sidewards winky face).

Even after a call to Debbie Downer’s Vinny’s house, he’s still not ready to come back to Pedo Manor quite yet and won’t be making it to the surprise party.  I don’t care.  Everyone gets to Karma and then “surprise!” people shoot silly string and feces at the guys because it’s their birthday.  I have to be honest, Grandpa Sitch looked relieved that he would be able to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of the night.  And now: Enter the Strippers.  They are wheeled out in what is supposed to be birthday cakes, but it basically looks like VaDeena’s granny panties wrapped around a steel contraption (like my heart).  The strippers bust out of the “cakes” and the guys are squealing with delight.  It’s a shame that Valtrex didn’t shoot out of the cakes as well…or at least out of the strippers “gentlemen greeters,” you know, for good measure.   Grandpa Sitch seems to be taking a liking to his stripper, who pretty much looks like Natalie Green with a Blair Warner fright-wig on.  The party goes off without a hitch (whatever the hell that expression is supposed to mean) and Sitch ends up bringing home his stripper who has a faux-meltdown because she wants new socks to put on.  Uh, does she have a new vaginastein to put on because I’m pretty sure the current one is rotten, moldy, and smells like the back of Ronnie’s neck.  Alas, they apparently just “cuddle” and in the morning he calls her a cab…and makes her wait outside for it.  At least she’ll have some company because Pauly D’s busted chick is out there too.  It should be really fun for the neighbors, however, because now they can play “Who’s the Stripper and Who’s the Skank.”  This game usually ends in a tie because technically they’re both skanks.

The only part of this episode that was actually kinda funny was when Snooki and VaDeena bought those bunny outfits, humped each other, and then put the costume on later in order to scare the weave off of JWoww.  When I heard the laughter coming out of my mouth I immediately rolled my eyes at myself and shouted, “You’re a loser, IBBB.”  Moving on.  The “next night” a bunch of the crew goes out for a couples night out.  This forces VaDeena to flip through the Yellow Pages until she lands on someone who will be her date for the night.  All of this was a complete snooze except for the 10 seconds at “da club” when the bouncers are pulling Sammi SweatStains off of some other girl and they’re kicking and screaming on the floor.  You can’t see who is who, but in the end they toss Sammi out of “da club” with her extensions scattered to and fro.  I was let down that we didn’t see how this fight started, who else was involved, or any other specifics.  Ugh, if only there was a camera crew hired to capture these moments.  Oh, wait.  Fail.

In the end, everyone misses Vinny and his glowing personality so much that they make up t-shirts with the unfunny sayings that Vinny never says, gas up the trucks, and head on out to a horrific place called Staten Island so they can throw a net over his head and bring him back to the Jersey Shore to ride out the rest of their summer…and his legally binding contract.  They pound on his door until someone (the camera man on the other side of it) opens the door and they immediately run up stairs (passing the messy patchwork on the walls) to his bedroom.  Surprise!  You knew they were coming!  My favorite part was seeing Vinny’s mom at the end of the hallway looking frightened and like she just got banged in a rusted out dumpster (or Vinny’s bed…wink, wink, elbow nudge, wink, wink).  Before Vinny can come back to Pedo Manor he needs to show them the new tattoo he got…directly across his chest…that says…wait for it…wait for it…”Let Go, Let God.”  That’s nice. You totally know God was all, “Yeah, no I’m good.  Thanks though.”  Apparently he’ll only be banging nuns now.  Eh, good for him.  Hopefully this helps him not be crazy.  He ends up packing up his laundry bag and heads back in the van and driving off into the sunset.  Not for nothing, but if Vinny suffers from depression, perhaps he should have lived in a home that had windows in it.

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Jersey Shore Recap: The Many Phases of Pauly D’s Hair (Wet Curls FTW)

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Dear God.  What in the hell happened to Jersey Shore?  Remember when MTV decided to do 4 seasons of The Osbourne’s and towards the end even nuns would yawn at the all the swearing and illegal drugs use?  Well this is same/same…but with tans.  This was, literally, the longest hour of my life.  Just when I thought there was only 20 minutes left I realized I was only 11 minutes deep.  Nevertheless, let’s give this the old college try.  Eh, make that the old “community college try” and I won’t put much effort into this and crap out half way through.

In case you all forgot, Vinny died.  Yup, dead.  Dirt nap.  Staten Island dirt nap.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is left with having to tell all of his oddly orange and pleasantly plump friends that Vinny is now with Jesus.  I’m kidding.  With Satan.  Most of the cast could barely care as they’re dancing their fat asses off at Karma.  The one with the fattest ass, VaDeena, is taking the news of Vinny’s passing like someone just told her they forgot to add the extra provolone cheese to her chicken parm sub.  Clearly, tears were involved.  VaDeena does her best crying whilst in a dirty bathroom stall all while JWoww tries to calm her down and pull the dress back over VaDeena’s backside FUPA.  I’m not quite sure what that is but, well, it’s late and this sucks.   Just like Snooki after unprotected sex and a 6 pack of peach wine coolers.

I’m don’t fully understand why the camera crew is following Vinny all the way home because it’s dumb.  His mother, who again is most likely Joy Behar, just hugs him and keeps saying “good?  good.  good?  good.”  I thought she was supposed to say, “so what?  who cares?!”  Most importantly there is all wood paneling inside his family home and asbestos shingles on the outside.  Basically it’s a carbon copy of Pedophile Manor back in the Jersey Shore.  I have to admit that I’m glad that Vinny is safe at home and not dead like I originally thought.  I hope he gets a good night sleep and some mental rest.  Moreover (bonus points for using that term), I hope he uses his mom’s fluffy perm as a pillow and her drooping bosom as a blanket.  What?  You know you hope those things too.  You do hope those things too, right?  Riiiight?

Later all the normal crap happens where Snooki and VaDeena get dressed up like midget whores and decide to go day-drinking.  I’m sorry, I never promote eating disorders but after looking at these two trying to pour themselves into their mini-skirts I have to admit a couple of games of “Whoops I almost swallowed my toothbrush” certainly wouldn’t hurt their girlish figures.  Snooki gets so drunk that VaDeena needs to check with her to make sure she can still walk.  I think technically she should have asked her if she could still waddle, but why split weave hairs at this point.  I may have lapsed into a coma for a spell, but when I came to Team Meatball was having a dance-off with a bunch of tweens.  They were dancing like they were hookers-in-waiting and their pimp was waiting to collect.  Hit me again, Ike!  Seriously they were bending over, humping each other, humping the tweens, humping the ground, humping imaginary dancers.  To sum up, there was a lot of humping going on.  They finish their seizure-like dance-off by both falling on the ground with their vagiolas in the air and then going home.  You see, the people of Jersey can simply take no more.

The “girls” stay home long enough to literally rip the weave out of VaDeena’s head.  Due to all the humping, VaDeena’s weave is in knots, as is my stomach from watching good old sausage arms trying to dance “sexy.”  Luckily Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is there to help free VaDeena’s rotting-bed-bug-infested weave from her scalp.  For reasons unbeknownst to me, they place all the weave strands into a half-filled bathtub.  Clearly, this is the secret ingredient in a customary Douche Bag Stew.  Add bronzer for additional flavoring and then just let it simmer for about an hour.

Sidenote:  It was good to see The Unit again even it was just for a few seconds before he got into a fight at “da club” and got thrown out.  It was good to see him because it was enough time for me to finally realize that he 100% has Kramer’s hair.  I know I feel better now.

It must be everyone’s lucky night because everyone is bring home the garbage from the club.  Pauly D brings home some Bosnian chick who keeps talking about Grilled Cheese sandwiches for breakfast.  I’m not sure why I capitalized that but I’m leaving it.  Grandpa Sitch brought home that girl who looks like she was, and still is, being molested by her step-daddy, and even our little VaDeena found the twin of some guy she kissed last season.  She actually asks him what kind of guy he is and then she says, “I know I look like a nut case, but I’m a really nice girl.”  She should have said, “I know I look like your Italian Nonni in a housecoat, but I’m getting bank for this sh*t.”  Apparently the Bosnian chick doesn’t want to bang Pauly D and after she suggests they “talk” in his bedroom he immediately calls her a cab. He should have called INS.  After she leaves she comes back about 5 minutes later saying she doesn’t want to go home and, instead, would like to see Grandpa Sitch.  That’s nice.  And creepy.  I used to think so highly of Bosnia before this and now, well, now I’m not so sure.  I’m kidding.  I didn’t even know Bosnia was a real place.  I thought that was the place that Harry Potter learned his magic.  I’m kidding.  I’ve never read nor seen Harry Potter movies.  Clearly, I know Bosnia was the name of the girl from Destiny’s Child that got kicked out right before Beyonce decided to just keep the group at 3.  Duh.

The rest of this blogging death sentence consists of Pauly D’s and Grandpa Sitch’s birthday.  They’re both now legally able to take Centrum Silver.  Centrum Silver:  Because It’s Great to Be Silver!  Pauly D’s whole family surprises him at Pedophile Manor and his mom brings a birthday gift for him which is, of course, his barber.  Thank God because I was thinking Pauly D was starting to look like Kid from Kid-n-Play.  It is 100% insane how Pauly D looks like a completely different person when he’s wearing a black hair cape and has his hair wet, in curls, and held up by Snooki’s banana clips.  Now you know I think Pauly D is the best thing to happen to this show and, well, society, but he literally looks like a woman when his hair is wet.  At first I was like, “Aww that’s nice his mom is getting a perm right now, but when is it Pauly D’s turn?  Oh.”  Seconds later his hair is dry and matted down to his head and I am at a loss for words.  It would be just like if I ever saw VaDeena say “no thank you” when offered a second helping.  Awww.  What did VaDeena ever do to me!?

In the end, Grandpa Sitch throws a hissy-b*tch-fit because everyone is making a big deal out of his birthday and not Sitch’s.  Even the girls made a cake for Pauly D with white icing hair on it.  Sitch is so upset that he slams the deck door and sits outside by himself whilst he uses his alien-like fingers to daintily dab the tears away from his eyes, careful to not smudge is make-up.  I bet he would feel better if he could rest his head on Vinny’s mom’s fluffy perm and use her drooping bosom as a blanket.  Try it.

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Jersey Shore Recap: On a Very Special Episode of Jersey Shore…

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Since the folks over at MTV seem to think we, as viewers, don’t have the ability to retain what we saw during last weeks episode, they decided to start off the latest episode with the last 5 minutes of last weeks episode.  This basically consists of Vinny getting ready to murder-suicide the pants off of Seaside Heights.  Once again Vinny doesn’t think he’ll be able to stay at Pedophile Manor anymore and Yawny keeps on giving him advice like, “Do you just want to drink at the club and take home girls?”  Yeah, because at the end of the day I’m pretty sure nuclear holocaust sounding music and girls with herpes on their face is practically the cure-all for Vinny.

While Vinny is plotting his own death, the rest of the Douche Bag Brigade is still at “da club” making sure their livers don’t have a fighting chance.  Even Grandpa Sitch is getting into the spirit and brings home and actual living breathing girl.  If you recall, this is the same chick from season one that banged him in the hot tub on national television and then fell down a flight of stairs shortly afterward.  Well, if you only scored a combined total of 500 on your SAT’s you really swallow your pride and go home once again with Grandpa Sitch on national television.  The only real problem was that as everyone was walking home it started to downpour.  I truly believe this was God’s way of cleaning these trash bags.  I really, really do. As everyone ran and became soaking wet you could pretty much see orange bronzer and wax running down the gutters of the Boardwalk.  If you look closely you can almost see JWoww in those same gutters eating processed packaged ham and giving a handy to a homeless guy.  Once at home, Sitch and Jionni continue to blur the lines of their interest in each other and Sitch gives him a t-shirt and some clean underwear so he can slip into some dry clothes.  They then begin to cook for each other.  Meanwhile, Sitch’s girl he brought home might as well start going to town on herself in the hot tub because, well, Grandpa looks like he’s found something new, something borrowed, and something that’s about to be blew blue.

The majority of this crapisode deals with Vinny and his “problems.”  Apparently he can’t even get himself out of bed in order to sell t-shirts to poor Italian’s on the beach because of a little something he likes to call “anxiety.”  He ends up going to work and talking to his boss about how he’s been battling depression and anxiety ever since he was a wonky-eyed 16 year old.  Personally, I think he’s fine and he’s just gunning for a Zoloft commercial, but that’s just me.  I also think he’s bumming because of his horrific-terrible haircut.  But the nice part was that all the roommates were incredibly nice and sympathetic to Vinny…probably because they feared for their own tanned lives.  Speaking of which, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has been burnt to a crisp due to too much tanning.  He’s a nice mix of dark brown and fire engine red on his cheeks.  He kinda looks like the Campbell Soup kid, you know, if they had “an ethnic” on the can for a change.  Regardless, since Vinny doesn’t want to drink or go to “da club” the guys decide the next best thing they can all do together to make Vinny feel better is…you guessed it…take him to get a mani/pedi.  This is when I officially threw my sandwich directly into the trash.  Seriously, disgusting.  I mean, if they really wanted him to feel better they should have taken him to an ophthalmologist to get that wondering eye set back on the straight and narrow.  I know a West Virginian geneticist he can see, y’all!

Later “that night” Vinny musters up enough energy to make it out to “da club” with the rest of the goons.  Everyone (except Vinny) is so excited.  VaDeena is finally able to Jersey Turnpike in a tight skirt that allows her stomach to delicately hang over her vaginastein.  But no one is having more fun than Snooki.  She’s falling and spitting and spewing all the  live-long-day.  At one point she just tells Jionni that she wants to make him chicken cutlets and then in the next breath she tells him she hates him.  Sounds like someone has been practicing their future vows!!  More importantly, I’m pretty sure if Snooki and Jionni were back to back, she’d be taller.  He should walk around in stilts because he looks awkward.  He should also cool it on the waxed eyebrows.  He’s beginning to look puppet-like.

Pauly D/Ellen Travolta ends up bringing home some chick who probably has a penis stuffed down her skirt.  After she signs the waver saying that MTV can show her face and whore-like actions on television, she bangs him.  But the night of “love making” must come to an abrupt end because he’s calling her a cab and she’s getting dressed and stealing his LL Cool J gold and diamond chain that’s on the bedroom floor.  But where is she going to be able to store this chain without him seeing it?  Ah yes.  Her vagina.  Place it up the old gentlemen greeter and just, well, hope for the best.  This chick is bricks and can’t find her shoes anywhere so, like a true gentleman, Pauly D send her off into the cab without any shoes like she’s god-damn Pocahontas. The next day he looks everywhere for that damn chain and can’t seem to find.  Since Snooki is living a future life of crime she suggests that the girl stole it and clearly she was right.  To everyone’s shock, this chick comes back over the next day wearing the chain so she can give it back to him and, in exchange, she wants her shoes back.  Sadly for her, they never find her shoes.  I’m sure if they looked a little harder or checked Sitch’s feet, they’d find them.  I hope this girl gets fired from her job after this and fired from life if that’s possible too.

In the end, everyone goes out to “da club” and leaves Pauly D home to chat with Vinny about not killing himself.  Sadly, Vinny has called his sister to come and pick him up as he is leaving Pedophile Manor once and for all.  He claims he needs to go home to “recover” but something tells me he just wants to make sweet Italian love to his mother.  Poor Pauly D.  The whole time Vinny is packing he looks like he’s actually about to burst into tears.  Maybe it’s because Vinny is leaving or maybe it’s just the pain of his face sun-burn but either way there is raw emotion there.  And raw skin.  He helps Vinny pack up his clothes, that typical white men don’t wear, like Vinny is his husband and he’s heading off to war.  Personally, I blame Snooki for all of this. Once you have sex with her your mind clearly begins to disintegrate and you’re never the same.  The episode ends with a cab coming to pick up Vinny and take him to Staten Island, a place that seems absolutely like a god-damn living nightmare.

God is Love,
Rev Run

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Jersey Shore Recap: We’re All Getting Too Old For This

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Remove your genitals from the George Forman grill and wash your drip-tray because Jersey Shore is back!  I’m actually outta breath from even typing that sentence.  Let’s just put it out there.  These jokers are getting a little too old for this sh*t.  I’m getting too old to be writing about this sh*t.  You’re getting too old to be reading this sh*t, but alas here we are.  It’s past 10:00pm and I just want to go to bed, but instead I’m sitting here with a hot laptop on my lap.  Like Tyra used to say to her models, “I give myself up for you”  I say something similar to you, the readers of IBBB.  I burn my penis, for you.  You’re welcome.

The Douche Bag Brigade is all packed up and ready to leave Italy to come back to the one country where we tolerate complete drunken rusty trash dumpsters on the regular.  Not only do we tolerate it, but we turn you into American Royalty.  George Washington’s teeth must be rolling over in their grave.  I have no clue what that means.  Regardless, they’re all leaving Italy and one thing is for sure:  VaDeena officially has turned into everyones Italian grandmother, sausage arms included.  Eh, good for her.  She likes the food.

Everyone is so excited to be heading back to Pedophile Manor at the Jersey Shore that you’d actually think they walked into the light and are seated at the right hand of the Father.  Shout out to my Catholic school upbringing, what-what!  They can’t believe how clean the “house” is and how how all their STDs seemed to have been removed from the property.  I’m sure someone forgot to clean the bill of the duckphone and, well, that’s likely to be shoved up Snooki’s gentlemen greeter by season-end.  There is some nervousness, however, because no one wants to room with Grandpa Situation and, sadly, Sammi SweatStains and Yawny are going to be stuck with him like that pesky case of herpes that just won’t seem to completely go away and always comes back at the most inappropriate time.  My favorite part, however, was when Sammi walks in the room and says, “I don’t even know where to put all my stuff.”  I, of course, immediately blurted out, “on the balcony you hard-faced b*tch.”  Then I got really mad at myself for yelling at a garbage barrel.  Seriously, how old is everyone getting?  For real.  Grandpa Sitch is trying to find a place to store his walker and I’m almost certain Ronnie is switching out his protein powder with Metamucil.  Eh, it’s important to move your bowels regularly.

Later, in order to celebrate the devil winning, Snooki and VaDeena decide to do shots of pickle juice because they probably want to make sure their breath smells the same as their crotch.  But the guys don’t want to be left out of the celebration so they decide to (yawn) do a little GTL (remember when that was so funny?) and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta does some extra tanning because prior to that he only looked slightly like Burnt Sienna and not a full Brick Red.  It’s a process.  After they go to the gym so Yawny can take out all of his aggression on upper body only (no need to work out the legs…just wear pants) and finally they conclude their day by getting some absolutely terrible haircuts.  The “barber” looks like he carved the map to Zelda in the back of Stich’s head and for some inexplicable reason Vinny had them only leave a giant “V” on the back of his head.  Is it ok if all of America lets out a collective “You’re White!” to all of the guys?  Just checking.

After the millionaires stop by their minimum wage job at the T-shirt store they all pack up the van to head out to some dive restaurant that their boss is taking them to in order to welcome them back to the United States of America.  Suddenly when they walk into the restaurant they all hear a ton of people yell out “surprise!”  I assumed it was all the babies from all the girls who got knocked  up while visiting Pedophile Manor over the years but I was wrong.  It was actually all the family members of the gang.  Take a good look, folk,s because these are the real people to blame for all of this.  And, not for nothing, but they were welcoming these trash heaps home like they just came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.  Either way, what a treat for the eyes this was!  JWoww ShamWow’s dad was there.  Well it was either him or Peter Tork form The Monkees.  Google it.  And F you when you say, “Who are the Monkees?”  Vinny’s whole family was there and this brought him to manly tears.  His mom, who may or may not be Joy Behar, is always quite the dish and she didn’t disappoint this time as well.  And of course there was Uncle Nino who, I’m almost certain, by law must introduce himself to everyone at the bar…and his neighbors within a 1 mile radius.  We’re also finally introduced to a grown white man who calls himself “Unit.”  Personally I blame Eminem for this.  Moving on.

“Unit” pretty much looks like a pale sickly poor-mans version of Pauly D with a “It’s Pat” from SNL wig.  I’m dead on.  You’re welcome.  Grandpa Situation and his life partner friend, Unit, are ready to mess with Snooki in front of her pint sized, shiny-faced, awkwardly-waxed boyfriend, Jionni.  Since everyone is drinking and could give 2 sh*ts about this show anymore the fight between the Unit and Snooki literally goes like this for a good 5 minutes:

Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”

No punches were thrown.  No drinks went flying.  Snooki didn’t  fall out of her chair exposing her vagina and the Jersey Shore logo.  It was like I don’t even know these goons anymore.  Everyone goes home, including Unit and he and Grandpa Sitch basically get naked in his bedroom, spray each other down, play dress up, and then go back outside to hang out with everyone else.  Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, the thing I like best about Unit is that he can’t get his hair to spike and so it just curls.  And not just any curls.  I’m talking tight wet curls.  If he grew it out about 10 more inches he’d look like Leah from Teen Mom.

However, the romance isn’t to be kept just between Unit and Sitch.  Hell to the no.  Snooki’s mutant looking friend, Ryder, is hanging out at the house, drunk, and hooks up with Pauly D/Ellen Travolta.  She is officially the super-secret-sixth-in-line-house-pig.  Her parents must be so proud, but let’s just assume that they are sans TV…and jobs.  So I’m sure they’ll never see this.  I actually felt bad for VaDeena during all of this because she seemed so sad.  She could barely stuff those hamburgers hot off the grill down her facia bruta.  She did muster up enough energy to walk into Pauly D’s room and sit at the end of his bed while he and Ryder just stared at her in silence.  She finally left to, I guess, eat her feelings in bed.

For the remainder of the crapisode we’re left with watching Vinny basically on suicide watch.  He’s so homesick and tired that he keeps forgetting to take off his Justin Bieber glasses when he goes to bed.  He’s just moping around and can barely make it out to Aztec which, like Karma, looks like the worst place on the face of the earth.  Although there was one fine lady trying to have a dance-off with the fellas.  She may have been having a seizure from the nuclear-holocaust sounding music and lights but either way she was definitely Hatchet Face with a perm.  Perms must be the new thing in Jersey.  I can’t wait for them to make it over the bridges and tunnels onto the main island so I can see them on the regular.  In the end, Vinny has to go home from “da club” because he says he can’t take it any more and he “has no more to give.”  Uh, what was he giving us all the other seasons…lazy eyes?  Because, well, that’s about all.  Yawny and Pauly D are ready to slap a 5150 on Vinny and Vinny is legit ready to go the hell home so his mother can make sweet passionate love to him in his twin bed.

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Jersey Shore Season Finale: Clutch in the Cooch

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Well, my friends, it’s the last crapisode of Jersey Shore.  It seems like just yesterday we were learning how Italy officially hated “The America” after the kids from the Jersey Shore landed on their little island (?) and, you know, ruined it.  Now today, they’re getting ready to leave.  You can tell that this show should have ended 47 episodes ago because the first 35 minutes were absolutely pointless.  Don’t get me wrong, the last 35 minutes were just as bad.  Wait, does that total 60 minutes?  Eh, my abacus has been rusted shut for a month, unlike VaDeena’s gentlemen greeter. Hey-oh!  Either way, we pick up right where we left off last week (yawn) by Grandpa Sitch coming home from “da club” all alone after he tried to have an official Italian “sass-off” with random patrons who would, most likely, kick his elderly ass.  In order to celebrate his own return, Sitch decides to roundhouse kick the walls a few times and shove a sub down is mouth whilst he watches Snooki slumber.  It was like watching Paranormal Activity except instead of the ghost watching the couple sleep for 8 hours we’re forced to watch a really greasy older gentlemen with puffy bloat drool over a little over-tanned tot wearing a fright wig that you find in the Halloween aisle of Walgreens right next to all the dented cans of Silly String.  You know the aisle.  Either way, same/same.

By the time Yawnie and Yawnie make it home from “da club” they decided that the roided out Yawnie should wake up Grandpa Sitch from his alcohol induced sleep and tell him what he really thinks of him.  That makes sense.  Why not be a man about it and say it behind his back in the diary room and then discuss it after the show airs and you’re caught red-handed upwards of three months later?  I mean, that would be my reality show strategy.  But I’m different.  I’m also less oily.  Regardless, Ron decides to tell Sitch that he needs to fix his burnt bridges or he shouldn’t go to Jersey to film the next season.  Uh, they’re called “burnt bridges” for a reason.  You can’t really fix them.  You just find another way to move forward.  Usually it’s a lot longer of a trail, but you still get to your destination nonetheless.  Trust me, I’ve burnt enough bridges that I have endless buckets of toll money.  What?  I jump in the water after I burn the bridges so I can collect the coins from the toll.  What?  You don’t do that? You don’t?  Oh.  Me either.

Later, since Sam and Ronnie haven’t been able to express their feelings to each other via punches and other violent measures, they decide to do sex to each other.  They gather all their belongings like they’re headed on an adventure via the Oregon Trail and get the smoosh room ready for sex.  This consists of placing one skid-marked sheet on the filthy mattress and turning on the 1970′s fan that is at the very end of the bed.  Romantic.  Because at the end of the day when two dirty Italians are in the heat of the moment you definitely want that smell spread evenly all throughout an enclosed room.  It must smell like an Italian sub was deep-fried and left out in the sun for the summer and then sh*t on by a skunk and then ravaged by a rabid raccoon and then eaten by Snooki and then sh*t out back on the bed.  And then Deena rolled around in it.  And then she did squats.  So, yeah, that’s the smell I’m sure.  AnywhattheF, 5 minutes later they are done having sex and both can go on with their miserable lives.  I wonder if sex gave Sammi that black eye.  I’m kidding.  I’m sure Ron’s fists-o-fury did that.

After more boring crap happens the gang (minus JWoww because she looks like a truck hit her…again) decide to go out to “da club” so they can be well behaved and not embarrass The America.  Of course I mean the opposite of that.  After 5 minutes of spending quality time together everyone basically runs like al qaeda when they hear a low-level plane nearing them.  What, I know some political junk and stuff.  Team Meatball heads off to some crack-den where they can dry-hump a couch and pretend that we all don’t know that they’ve gotten fat.  Suddenly we come upon some random drunken(er) chick who crashes their dance party and slouch-dances on the couch whilst doing gun-salute dance moves with her fingers and then somehow she literally shoves VaDeena’s purse up her vagina.  I kid you not.  Honestly, why do I have the feeling that having VaDeena’s purse shoved up some random girls greeter is actually more sanitary than having VaDeen hold it with her bare hands?  A clutch up the cooch is also the official way of letting people know its Daylight Savings time in Italy.  Ole!

Sidenote, VaDeena and Snooki stumbled home and VaDeena took off her shoes so the bottom of her feet now are an exact match of her liver, heart, soul, and back teeth.  Just a guess.

Yawn.  We’re off to the pizza place where the gang was asked to bring clothes that represent themselves so the creepy pizza place owner can hang them from the inexplicable clothes line he has hanging over his customers.  He wants something that everyone can remember them by. Wouldn’t it be better if they all just shot their own bodily fluids into the pizza sauce?  I mean, this way at least when hundreds of patrons get random STDs and it becomes a pandemic they can be like, “Hey! My d*ck burnt off because I had a slice of pizza that Snooki made!”  I think that leaves a much more personal touch.  Although, seeing VaDeena’s husky thong hanging over your head is, well, pretty special too.  Vinny should have left his lazy eye.

After another Sunday-like dinner the “girls” decide to help out and clean up a bit.  This consists of Snooki trying to scrub what I can only assume is aborted fetus off of everything in the living room and VaDeena mopping up semen spills off the wooden floor.  Of course VaDeena falls whilst mopping and I’m pretty certain I hit rewind on my DVR upwards of 23 times.

Later the Douche Bag Brigade decides to take a formal walking tour of Italy.  When having to decide if they were more interested in “art” or “history” everyone had a look on their face like someone just told them that they were off the TV show and would be forced to become normal working members of society.  Complete horror.  They do, however, end up meeting up with their tour guide who may or may not be a cast-member of Diddler on the Roof and for some reason he is yelling into a megaphone right in their faces even though there is only about 7 of them and they’re standing two inches away from him.  Speaking of two inches, Snooki wants to spray tan the Statue of David and at one point when they’re looking at a ceiling painting that Michelangelo did she asks if it was real that “those babies really had wings.”  Yes, Snooki, they did.  Back in the olden days there were flying babies that carried bow and arrows.  I mean they couldn’t speak or hold their own head up, but they could fly and shoot.  Bricks.

In the end, the gang has some drinks on top of some mountain.  I was waiting for Old Susanna to be coming around that mountain when she comes, when she comes.  But, alas, she didn’t and they all just drink and Grandpa Stich gets to faux-apologize to all of them for being an older gentlemen who should no longer be on this show, or in society for that matter.  However, this “new Sitch” isn’t that new anymore because once they all head out to “da club” he picks a fight with some little kid and “the gang” turns on him yet again.  Regardless, Sitch still decides that he is going to go to the Jersey Shore “next season” and everyone looks disgusted.  In the end, they line up mattresses down the flights of stairs and throw their luggage, pride, and themselves down the stairs so they can all hop and on plane and get the F out of Dodge before Italy actually starts a war with us.

I’m dumber for watching.  You’re dumber for reading this.  Let’s all do it again next season!  The reunion was just as terrible, but let’s discuss it in the comment section below.  Hell, even I’ll toss in a comment or two and, let’s face it, I’m the worst!

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Jersey Shore Recap: The One Where Snooki-Mouse Somehow Sidesteps Alcohol Poisoning

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So Snooki is still Slampigachusettes, right? Right.  We pick up where we left off last week which was Snooki calling the oddly proportioned Jionni to spill the greasy beans that she let Vinny “do sex” to her and then, because he’s a gentlemen, tell her about it the next day.  Luckily since Jionni doesn’t really have much else going on in his life besides being the boyfriend of a girl known globally as “Snooki,” he decides to remain calm and tell her that he has to figure out what their next steps should be.  He should straighten up and get in line because his meal ticket will simply just move on to some other guy who, because they live in Jersey, will look exactly like him.  Exactly.  Same height.  Same weight.  Same color.  Same gel.  Same eyebrows, waxed within an inch of their life.  Same, same.

All this talk about “getting it in” has really got VaDeena all hot and bothered.  Thinking about VaDeena in heat makes me want to take out my dinkeridoo and literally put it in my toaster oven and, well, just call it a day.  Why do I have a feeling that when VaDeena is horny she just drips marinara and AquaNet residue?  I guess it’s not so much of a feeling as it is a strong probability.  Anyhaneshusky, VaDeena is flat out asking Pauly D/Ellen Travolta if he’ll “do sex” to her.  She’s so sweet.  Just by her saying it out loud made my junk start to itch.  But, well, that’s another story for another time.  Pauly D isn’t so sure that he wants to “do sex” to VaDeena because they’re such “good friends.”  That’s code for, “I’m fine with my hand, thanks.”  That’s also called manners.  Pauly D is scared that if he doesn’t end up bringing home a girl from “da club” then he’s going to be forced to “do sex” with VaDeena. I mean, relax buddy.  It’s not like she’s a rapist.  She’s a Level II at best.  I don’t even think she has to legally introduce herself to her neighbors.  Either way, she tried to seal the deal by alerting Pauly D to the fact that “she’s a good f*ck.”  Awww, that’s sweet as pie.  Like, whore pie…which is, of course, lemon meringue.  But, alas, VaDeena ends up not getting her golden ticket from Pauly D.  And Italy’s collective pubic region breathes a long sigh of relief.

The “next morning” after Grandpa Sitch uses the toothbrush that Pauly D cleans his clippers with, Snooki and VaDeena think it only makes sense to get really dressed up and, you know, start tossing a few back.  And you know what?  They’re onto something.  They end up at a place that has about 5 patrons inside and immediately start dancing on the bar, dry-humping each other on a table, fall off a chair, and then convince some young local daughter to “Jersey Turnpike” whilst her family looks on in partial approval, partial disbelief.  And now just think that right now some dude in the al qaeda is going home to beat his wife because she showed too much tooth when she smiled in public.  Funny how the world is, right?  Meanwhile, fast forward to later that night and Snooki and VaDeen are up for round two of more drinking.  Their insides must officially match their outsides.  For reasons that aren’t explained to anyone, Snooki is basically sporting Minnie Mouse ears.  I’m sure the locals think she’s a Kardashian.  Perhaps, Schecky.  Schecky Kardashian.

Everyone out at “da club” including the entire country of Italy hate the Jersey Shore cast.  They’re chanting the weakest insult-chant ever which is something about “shame.”  I mean why didn’t they just call them Pinnochio’s and end it 5th-grade style?  Grandpa Sitch is all enraged and trying to string together any Italian words to yell back at them.  Uh, he ends up with “I’ll mangia you!”  For real?  An Italian fetus knows more Italian words than Sitch.  The Douche Bag Brigade ends up having to leave “da club” via security because the crowd of oddly dressed Italians is getting rowdy.  They all end up going home, that is, except Snooki and VaDeena who are plowing through and are on to the next “da club.”  To no surprise, this place hates them too.  Per usual, they look like Danny Devito dressed in drag wearing horse legs as boots so, well, that’s not going to draw the right kind of crowd I’m guessing.  They spend a decent amount of time telling the people around them to back up and just let them dance, but when they finally escape to the safety of the bar, the bartender actually starts throwing ice at them.  At first even I thought that was rude, but then I realized that he was probably just trying to clean them up.  The other bartender should have been shooting Tide Sticks at them via a bow and arrow.  Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, this makes the meatballs freak out and they start smashing and throwing full bottles of liquor back at the bartenders until some huge bouncer who looks like Roz from Night Court picks them both up and carries them out of “da club.”  How those greasy little nuggets didn’t slip out of his hands is beyond me.  VaDeena, of course, takes all of this the best by screaming and swearing in the cab and then the same plays out once she’s back at the house.  If it’s one thing that makes VaDeena look prettier and thinner is when she slurs when she yells.  H-O-T.

I’m not even kidding, how Snooki and VaDeena don’t have alcohol poisoning is beyond me.  I mean, I got it just by watching them drink for 36 hours straight.  After they’re done ranting and raving they decide to get in the hot tub because, at the end of the day, everyone loves fat chicks soaking in their own recipe of douche stew.  My money is on the fact that I’m sure VaDeena got her period whilst inside and they just. kept. on. swimming.  After the hot tub the sun came up so they decided to not sleep, dress up like actual prostitutes, pose on the street at 7:30 am and then go to another restaurant and just keep drinking.  They, of course, both pass out at the table and are forced to go home where they’ll need to sleep off 29 consecutive days of drinking.  You can only imagine the amount of Shasta McNasty’s these two broads are shooting out on the regular each “morning after.”  #Gross.  Hash tag! Hash tag! Hash tag!

Luckily we get to break up the normal scenes and spend a little time with everyone hating Grandpa Sitch just like all of Italy hates them.  VaDeena ends up throwing a spatula at him and everyone basically ends up ignoring him every time he speaks or everyroom he enters just like I stated last week.  Some fight is-a-brewin’ over who is sharing rooms with whom when they go back to the Jersey Shore.  So, uh, that’s confirmed?  I thought they were all getting the ax after the Italy season?  I mean, either way I’m still tuning in because that, my friends, is what loser bloggers do.  They tune in and they die a little on the inside, which suits me well because I’m pretty much a hollow corpse.  In the end, even after Grandpa Sitch gets locked in the bathroom and Ronnie has to help him basically kick the door off the frame, he’s still all alone.  Even when he’s starting fights with randoms at “da club” and none of his roommates are there to help defend him, he’s still all alone.  How sad.  I mean, not really.  I’m sure he can snuggle up with his $5 million that he closed out 2010 with.  That helps.  That always helps.

Like this recap? Hate it? Either way, hit the Facebook “Recommend” button and share this with anyone and everyone who will listen and continue to help me sell out. Ole!

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