More Mindless Stories on ‘me’
As you know, Thanksgiving is right around the corner (along with a pedophile holding a puppy inside a beat-up van) and I thought I would take some time to think of the top 9 (yes 9) things that I am thankful for this year here at the offices of IBBB (that also kinda looks like a beat-up van). Now these aren’t things that necessarily all happened in 2010 but, hey, it’s my ghetto site and therefore I get to make the ghetto rules. What absurd things are you thankful for this faux-holiday season? Here are mine:
9. Amber’s “Sexy-Dancing”
There are so many things me gusta about Amber from Teen Mom that, frankly, I thought she should have her own Top 9 list but, alas, the President of IBBB and the United States vetoed me. So I guess my most favorite thing about Amber is the way she sexy-danced her ass off at the beach with Gar Bear all whilst her dress-boob-padding was hanging out under the star-lit sky on the beach. Amber dropped low, did “the grinding” that “the kids” still love and yelled at Gary for not being able to dance (I mean, come on) all throughout the night. If there was ever any wonder how she got knocked up, we now know. I’m thankful.
8. Gloria from Intervention
If you had to “crack a beer every day in the summer” you’re likely doing so because of the brilliance of Gloria. I’ve been so obsessed with her over the past 373 days that I typically start out my night of drinking quoting Gloria by saying, “What? I drink because I drink. Never really thought about it.” Other gems from the episode of Intervention included, “You got to go through some stuff to get to some stuff.” And perhaps my new life mantra, “Oh sh*t. Yeah, no that’s one you just bury in the back of your head. That’s like Whoa.” Gloria found a place in my heart by being just who she is, dumping a can of peaches into a rusty pot whilst chain-smoking over it, and finally apologizing to her daughters for being such a bad mom by saying, “Oh. Sorry.” and then looking the other way. Viva la Gloria! I am thankful.
7. Lohan’s Book o’ Mugshots
Lindsay Lohan provided me with endless hours of fun thanks to her crazy antics and endless supply of new and stylish mugshots. While the traditional background really made her orange tan pop, I thought the electric laser background really brought her to life. Plus, my parents would never left me get the cool laser background until one year when I literally put it on my Christmas list and then apparently “Santa” was all over that. Anyway, I do hope Lohan doesn’t accidently kill anyone or anything, but I do hope she stays crazy and at least lightly under the influence of some substance throughout the next couple of years. I am thankful for my little Lohan.
This one may be upwards of 2 years old now, but there’s something intriguing about a hot woman with a thick accent telling inappropriate jokes on national live television about how she can look so good for having an 18 year old son. If you remember (click on the pic to watch the video) Sofia told a joke that had mixed reaction from the audience whilst on The View and, well, it’s made me laugh for over a year any time I think about it. I love how she owns her political incorrectness. It’s refreshing, like adding a little vodka to your morning iced coffee. There’s just something right about it, yet so wrong. I am thankful.
5. Polygamist Sect Fashion Forward Style
Here’s another that’s a bit on the older side, but one that I wish we could see more and more of. I love everything about a traditional Polygamist Sect, well almost everything. I dig how they symbolize their seniority by a nice combed-over-Snooki-poof, wear the same paper dresses in either blue, green, or (when feeling daring) pink, and how each one of them can absolutely be cast as Miss Almira Gulch in the upcoming Wizard of Oz remake. These women are what I imagine my old grammar school nuns to look like if, you know, they all wanted to have sex with the same man. That hair, those dresses, I am thankful.
4. Pajama Jeans
So remember, everyone, when you’ve basically completely given up on yourself, have had endless tea-parties with your cats Mr Meowenstein and Mrs Solar-Plexus, have run out of your 12-pack of Zima and Chambord, and got rejected from the latest season of Hoarders, then slip on some comfy Pajama Jeans and, well, just wait for sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom, Mary, take you into “the Heaven.” Pajama Jeans, because you’re not getting hired in an actual office anyway. I am thankful.
3. The Life and Death of Papouli (But Mainly the “Death” Part)
Hey everybody, it’s Papouli! Truer words have never been spoken. From the moment Papouli was introduced into our lives in the 90’s, I’ve been thankful for him every year. They way he died in his sleep right before he was to teach little Michelle a “great dance” for her show-and-tell in school the next day, I’ve been hooked. From this one old bastard, we got to see Mary-Kate Olsen try her best to act by sitting on the boat (parked in the backyard) and asking Uncle Jesse “Is it ok…to….cry?” Even Jesse couldn’t break free from the control Papouli had over his life and, well, we shouldn’t either. I am thankful. Oopa!
2. Butch and April
What Thanksgiving list wouldn’t be complete without good old April and Butch from Teen Mom? I love them, you love them, and most importantly I love them. Me and I. I. Also, me. Anytrailer, April and Butch have inspired me to drink more, fight with people, buy husky-sized sweatshirts with “funny” sayings on them and basically just trash-down my life a bit. Also, I’ve been looking into the proper way to chain-smoke and I’ve even been checking out “the ‘hab” in my own neighborhood just in case. I’ve loved Butch and April all year and am not only thankful for them being in my life, but also hopeful. Hopeful that they will one day get their own show and become a household name. I am thankful.
1. My Lack of Soup
This was a tough one for me. What am I the most thankful for this year? Family? Friends? The IBBB readers? Health? Nope, no, uh-uh, and nah. I am most thankful for the The Soup making it another year without discovering me and/or answering my endless emails and requests. It’s like I’m Gary and The Soup is Amber and they just continue to beat up my ego and, yet, I keep going back to them time and time again. However, even through all this I am thankful that The Soup is still on the air, as it gives me hope that there is one job out there that I would actually be good at and (hint hint) would do with little to no money. I am thankful.
Gather your nap mats in a semi-circle around Uncle IBBB, girls, boys, and those who have both the pee-pee and the woo-woo, because I’d like to share with you, and other countries, how Thanksgiving came to be.
A long long time ago, roughly 25 years it is rumored, the baby Jesus took a ride with Puxatony Phil on the Spaceship Challenger to venture out to see if there was a new world out there that Mary Magdalene frequently spoke of whilst she was “getting freaky” with Grimace. It was a very cold cold night and Jesus’ and Puxatony Phil’s spaceship hit an iceberg. Suddenly everyone on board began to fight with each other about who was going to get on the rescue boats and who was going to do pencil sketches of Kate Winslet’s bare breasts. After baby Jesus and Puxatony Phil played “We Don’t Give a *** Let the Mother F*cker Burn. Burn Mother F*cker, Burn” with some of the other violinists, they snuck onto the Pinta and the Santa Maria (they took separate boats because they were fighting at the time) and set sail to what they thought was the Warp Zone from Super Mario Brother’s Part One. Little did they know they would wind up reaching the United States, which was only called “The States” back then, and they bitch-slapped and raped some Indians. And that, my friends, is how we ended up eating turkey and pumpkin pie.
I’m back! Sort of. I was back in Boston for my parents 40th anniversary fiesta and about 5 hours after it was over my sister went into labor. Needless to say I became an uncle again (is that possible?) 2 weeks earlier than planned to a 7lb 4oz baby girl named Sophia. I was psyched I didn’t miss it! So, onto the part you are all waiting for, I didn’t get back until almost midnight last night so I am behind on The Hills, sleep, and life. I will try and churn out The Hills recap later today and/or tomorrow. I know, I’m the worst. Sometimes life gets tricky. I am looking forward to being an uncle again AND seeing how Audrina verbally fights Jayde. Oh, and I asked my sister if she would name the new baby “Audrina” but she wouldn’t do it. Selfish. Ole!
I may be 5 years behind the times, but IBBB is finally on Facebook! I had no idea how to create a fan-page, so I just signed up for a regular profile. I think this is all going to be a terrible idea, but follow me on there anyway and spread the word of IBBB like people spread the word of Jesus in the bible. Click here to become my life-long Facebook friend. 2004 rules!
Hello and hello, also, hello. Take a swing at your pinata because today is IBBB’s last day (hopefully for a while) working in corporate America! I sorta feel like someone who is getting out of prison after serving a 25 yr sentence and they found out I wasn’t even guilty in the first place. It’s like, who the hell do I sue?!
Anycrap, I’m just going to enjoy all that today has to offer. My new gig (I now technically get to say “gig”) starts on Monday! I already filmed my first scenes this week and it was a blast! Hopefully they don’t edit me out. I will also be back on Monday with your normal craptastic blog posts followed by a recap of the season finale of “The City” (cow bell, cow bell, cow bell).
If you aren’t signed up for Twitter yet, I suggest doing so. I’m thinking I’ll be able to update my Twitter account during the day more often with my new job and perhaps we can all have a laugh with it. Maybe not. Join me on Twitter!
Finally, here’s some random info. Remember Elodie from “The Hills?” Of course you do. Well yesterday was her birthday and she has a new blog that she’s been running. Check her out, wish her a happy belated birthday, and tell her I sent you! You can find her blog, ILoveDorks, here.