Who in the Holy Hell Knocked Up My Little Olsen? Please Leave Me Your Name.

Sing along if you know the tune:

“My little Olsen, pregnant Olsen,
I love to brush your Tanner-like hair.

My little Olsen, knocked up Olsen,
I can’t take you anywhere.”

Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen is allegedly “with child.” Have mercy! This is all according to the National Enquirer because the Olsen in question is said to have gained weight lately that has her tipping the scales at 102 pounds. I shit you not. That’s really what they’re basing this on. Couldn’t she just be off the crack…not pregnant?

Oh Jesus. Papouli must be rolling over in his grave. Oppa!

Who Claims This Crap?


The Olsen’s Sign Copies of “I’m the Cute One” in New York City

Oh, no? That’s not what they were signing? Well thank Jesus Claus I didn’t end up calling in sick from work to go see The Olsen’s because I almost considered it. My friend thankfully alerted me that both Olsen Sluts were going to hold a public signing at Barnes and Noble in NYC and I just assumed it was a signing of their old single, “I’m the Cute One,” but it wasn’t. They were signing copies of their new coffee table book, “Influence.” How old are these two now? Are they signing with crayons?
Then to make matters worse, PETA was outside of the book signing not only protesting The Olsen Sluts, but they also kinda stole my nickname for them. See the picture below? Yeah, that’s PETA calling them the Olsen Tramps. I’ve put a call into my lawyer to see if I have options.

Michelle Tanner Got Her License?

Well will ya look at that! Michelle Tanner finally got her license. You totally know when she passed her driving exam her instructor let her know that she passed by saying, “You got it, dude” and then handing her her license. Michelle better realize that driving is a privilege and not a big joke just like her big sister DJ thought it was when DJ, Kimmy Gibbler, and Stephanie all got out of the car when it was at a stoplight and started running around it. Technically that’s called a Chinese Fire Drill, but something makes me think that they didn’t call it that on Full House. Anyhouse, the crew gets locked out of the car and Danny has to come and help them. Lesson learned. So Michelle Tanner better not pull that crap or she won’t be sleeping in her big girl bed tonight. Moshi Moshi dude!

Moving on, an indistinguishable Olsen was spotted leaving Orso (the restaurant) in LA yesterday with her boooooooyfriend. Ohhhhhhhhhh! Woooooooooooooooo! (Full House audience reaction sounds).


A Hitch-Hiking Gutter Olsen Slut

How come there’s never a hitch-hiking gutter Olsen Slut on the side of the road when I’m driving by? Life is so unfair. I blame the terrorists, global warming, and the underground railroad for this. Anyhouse, an indistinguishable Olsen was sporting her best Danny Tanner button-down flannel shirt as she was leaving a Radiohead concert at the Hollywood Bowl in LA the other day.

Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen tried to quickly wave off the paparazzi in hopes that they’d mistake her for Wilson from Home Improvement. I don’t think so, Tim.


An Olsen Does Stuff, Like Walking, For Example

An indistinguishable Olsen was walking the streets of NYC with her friends over the weekend. It’s was only about 80 degrees this weekend in the Big Orange, so it clearly makes sense the Olsen in question was wearing black boots and a flannel shirt wrapped around her Tanner-like waist. Supposedly the dude to the left of said Olsen is supposed to be her boyfriend. I’m not convinced. I’m pretty sure that dude in the flannel shirt and 4th of July hat is actually Samantha Ronson.

Seriously don’t mess with this crew. If I was walking down the street and saw them I would very politely ask them why they were dressed like f’ing a-holes. That’s ok, right?


Wait, There Really are 2 Olsen’s?

Stop the f’n press. There really are 2 Olsen’s? I always assumed it was like the Michael/Janet Jackson thing. I guess I just assumed there was 1 Olsen who played the role of 2. Hmm. Interesting. Anyway, the above photo is from the Olsen Sluts new book called, Influence, which will be available to buy on October 28th. Clearly, this makes a great Halloween gift. This book will take a look at private Olsen moments from their collection, as well as people who have influenced them, and what has shaped them into what they are today. I’d say what shaped them into what they are today would be 2 things. 1. Money 2. Kimmy Gibbler. Someone, for the love of God bring back Kimmy Gibbler. Let’s think about it for a second. DJ Tanner has been making her rounds lately. Stephanie Tanner just had her baby and will be in a new movie. Aunt Becky is going to be on the new 90210. Uncle Jesse has had about 15 failing TV shows. Danny Tanner did that penguin movie. Uncle Joey was on Surreal Life. Everyone has been doing something. Why not Kimmy? I’m going to start a movement to bring back Kimmy. I mean, if it requires me to get off my couch I’m not going to do it, but if I can do it from my couch I’m all in.

Oh yeah go buy the Olsen Sluts book on October 28th….and then record yourself reading it and then send me that tape because I can’t read, but I can listen.


An Olsen vs. Spencer Pratt? It’s like “Sophie’s Choice” for Me!

What does one do when their two favorite worlds collide? You first pray to your Santa and then you write a letter to your Jesus. That’s what I do and it always seems to provide me with a sense of peace. An indistinguishable Olsen and Spencer Pratt are getting into a bit of a faux-fight thanks to David Letterman.

To quickly catch you up, the Olsen in question was on Letterman the other night and disclosed that she went to high school with Spencer and he had quite the temper whilst on the soccer field. The Olsen also mentioned that he stomped off the field a few times (like a little bitch, I will add). I’m hoping that Spencer still has the temper issues and forced Heidi to either accidentally answer the iron from time to time or gave her a good shiner due to her burning the roast. While I don’t condone violence, I do in this case and I’m sure you all agree.

Moving forward, once Spencer caught wind of this Olsen-diss, he immediately told Us Weekly (once they finished blowing him) the following:

“I don’t really care why she used my name to get press for her little indie film that no one’s going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me. I forgive her, though. She’s had to go through life as the less cute twin.”

Oh sookie sookie! You told her. Let’s clear one thing up, though. They are both equally less cute.

So who do I side with? Steve Sanders from The Hills or an Olsen Slut? Why must I decide? Why would God do this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough by not having The Hills on right now? Sometimes life really is so unfair. It makes me question God.

Meet Olsenkowasaki!

I’ve been hitting the Olsen lottery lately! An indistinguishable Olsen was at The Cinema Society and Sony Cierge Host a Screening of “The Wackness” the other night. Who cares, right? Exactly. Except this is one of the best Mary-Michelle-Ashely-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen sightings of ALL time, for me, because this Olsen is dressed all Japanese and stuff AND it reminds me of that one Full House episode when Michelle calls Japan and just says “Moshi Moshi dude!” That was a defining moment in your life too…like it was in mine, right? Right??

Anyway, this Olsen is almost ready to show teeth, but not quite yet. Ever since I read that article that states that instead of saying “cheese” when their picture is taken they say “prune” so they get that shit-smile I can’t look at them the same. They should be saying “Uncle Jesse is it ok to cry” when their picture is taken. At least I would crack a smile. Whores.

Hey That’s My Olsen!

What a great way to start my Monday! I’m not sure how old these are, but here are some killer photos of an indistinguishable Olsen from someones party that Nicole Richie and Joel Madden also attended. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen had on a traditional Winehouse headpiece that I believe is native to the land called “England.” The Olsen in question took a crack at the pinata, sipped on some Amstel Light, kept a cigarette in her mouth, and borderline dry-humped a little defenseless dog. With ripped nylons and an oversized flannel shirt to boot, this was an Olsen party that would rival Michelle Tanner’s 5th birthday when DJ, Stephanie, Uncle Joey and crew dressed up like the Flintstones. I am a little disappointed I wasn’t invited. I mean, I like Amstel Light and Olsen’s. And, I’d even love that dog for the night and by “love that dog” I really mean “would make intercourse with it until the collar popped off” if that would get me any closer to an Olsen fiesta.

Don’t Sass Me, Unidentifiable Olsen!

Why you sassy little Olsen bitch, you. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was recently interviewed by Elle Magazine and I don’t like her attitude one bit! I’ll wash that little Olsen mouth out with soap! Ok, well it wasn’t that bad but I still have dreams of sticking a bar of soap in Olsen mouth.

Anytanner, Elle asked the unidentifiable Olsen about her lavish lifestyle, she answers by saying it’s nobodies business if she’s rich or not.

“No, but it’s nobody’s business if I am or not. I mean, if you want to have a discussion about fame and what does it really mean to be famous these days, what’s celebrity anymore, what’s media? That’s different.”

First off, it’s totally my business about how rich you are. As a celebrity you are forced to tell me those things and I should also have access to your personal Myspace and email accounts. And what the hell was her answer about “what’s celebrity…what’s media….that’s different.” Was that a question or an answer? If I was the interviewer I would have said, “Uh, unidentifiable Olsen, are you asking me or telling me? Come on Olsen, use your words….use your words.”

That’s a pretty boring interview. I would have asked her what she was thinking about when she was sitting on the boat in Full House on the episode where Papouli died and she asked Uncle Jesse if it was ok to cry. I would have also asked if she ate that chocolate pudding cup that was placed on the boat or was it just a prop. These are the hard hitting questions people really want to know. I also would have asked if she knew which Section 8 housing complex Kimmy Gibbler is now living in. Ugh, to be an interviewer. One can only dream.