More Mindless Stories on ‘lindsay lohan’
13
Look Who’s Up!
Ah Lindsay Lohan. She’s like a fresh morning dew, on a brand new day. Looking greasy easy, sleazy breezy, alcohol-filled beautiful, Lindsay successfully landed at JFK airport the other day to take care of her many business ventures (I couldn’t even type that with a straight face) in the Big Orange (freckle).
Just think, all of “that” was lounging in what I can only assume is a business class chair and you’ll be the next one on that plane trying to relax on the same seat that probably is as slippery as a hookers hand in church. I’m not technically sure what that means, but I think I know. Yeah, it kind of works. And I pretty much like it. Ha, a hookers hand in church. Even Jesus is smiling right now, I bet.
Where was I going with this story? Eh, pointless. Lindsay Lohan is still alive. There’s your story.
31
Dina Lohan Says “Lindsay is Fine.” Here’s Why I Disagree…
Michael Lohan held a random press conference yesterday that TMZ ran live. Go figure. In the press conference, Michael Lohan begged his daughter, Lindsay, to check into rehab for a prescription drug problem. In response to Michael’s press conference, Dina Lohan said, I have a criminal protective order against him ’til 2011. He’s 1 year behind in child support and he’s using this as a diversion.” In regards to Lindsay, Dina said, “Everything is fine.”
Um. I’d like to present to the jury Exhibits A – H on why Lindsay Lohan is not “fine.”
Actually, yeah Dina’s kinda right. She’s fine.
25
Lindsay Lohan Fell Into a Cactus. So, Sounds Like She’s Doing Better, No?
Yawn. Lindsay Lohan fell into a giant cactus when she arrived at a friends house in the Hollywood Hills the other night. If I had a dime for every time I heard the phrase, “Lindsay Lohan fell into a cactus” I would have over $548,451.80. That poor cactus. I would get it tested STAT! Imagine Lindsay’s “freckle farm” falling directly on you? I don’t care if it IS covered by a protective layer of cheap/thin leggings. I’d get tested.
Luckily, Lindsay was with a friend who helped lift her out of the pile of pricks (once again) while the paparazzi did nothing to help but take pictures….which kinda does help because, let’s face it, Lindsay can use all the exposure she can get right now. If she were smart, once she fell in the cactus she should have started dry humping it and then sued it for $100 million for sexual assault. See? Linds needs me on her team.
10
Hey Lindsay? Georgia Rule: You’re Not Getting $100 Million
Sounds like someones freckles are dangerously close to her brain. Lindsay Lohan is very mad and she’s not going to take it any more. I mean she’ll forget all about this as soon as she sees a shiny silver object, but in the meantime she’s very mad. According to the NY Post, Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its latest commercial — who happens to be named Lindsay — was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering.
According to Lindsay’s lawyer, who I’ll just assume is Perry Mason, said that Lindsay has the same singular name recognition as Oprah or Madonna….or Syphilis. Ok, I made that last one up. And, since this ad was seen by 15 planets filled with people during the Super Bowl and the winter Olympics, Lindsay is looking for $50 million in exemplary damages and $50 million in compensatory damages. Or, as a way the lawyer probably had to explain it in terms that Linds could understand, “$2.25 per freckle.”
E-Trade could not be reached for comment. However, if I worked for E-Trade my comment would be, “Lindsay. Get a job. Georgia Rule!”
10
Jesus Christ it’s Lindsay H. Lohan!
I mean as if Lindsay No Pants doesn’t have enough reasons why she’s going to burn in the fiery pits of hell, she can now add this to the list: Posing Like Jesus Dying on the Cross with Modern Version of Crown of Thorns for Magazine Cover. Check, check, and check!
Lindsay Lohan shot the cover for French (blah) magazine, “Purple Fashion” in which photographer Terry Richardson shot Lindsay (sadly not literally) as Jesus (you know, from the Bible) with arms stretched out and a small crown of thorns. Seriously even I feel the Catholic guilt for looking at this photo. I didn’t mean it Jesus, I didn’t mean it! Lindsay as Jesus on the cross today and next thing you know Noah Cyrus is posing on the cover of Highlights Magazine as the Virgin Mary getting impregnated by the Holy Ghost! Where’s the line, people, where’ the line? No really, let me know because I’m almost certain I’ve crossed it.
