More Mindless Stories on ‘lindsay lohan’

Lohan Should Have Gone With a Different Background for Her Mugshot

Well, there you have it. Lohan’s mugshot.  I think the orange jumpsuit really brings out her eyes and hides the freckle farm too.  Yawn.  Lohan should have asked for some alternative mugshot backgrounds that would really send a message to the public that she’s ok, having fun, and being easy, breezy, beautiful.  Here are some of my favorite options for Linds Lo:

The Laser Background:  It says, “You can’t control me.  Suck it, blue background.”

Blue Background: It says, “Fine, I’ll listen.”

Magic Kingdom Background:  It says, “I’m the king of this castle, bitch!  Please don’t hurt me.  Ow.  Ouch.”

Moon Landing Background:  It says, “I’ll trade you my moon for a carton of Misty 120’s.”

Georgia Rule Background: It says, “You can’t play connect the freckles with your tongue.  Georgia rule!”

Jesse Spano Freak-Out Background:  It says, “I’m so excited.  I’m so, so, scared!”

Brady Bunch Background:  It says, “Ann B Davis who?  What, what!”

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Lindsay Lohan is Just Going to Go to Jail for a Spell. Hopefully This Takes Care of That Pesky “Coke Bloat,” Dina Ponders.

I don’t care if she serves 90 days, 23 days, or just a side of ham and hash browns. I don’t even care if Linday Lohan loses her freckle rights in prison.  Basically I’m just trying to work the term “spell” back into my vocabulary and, quite honestly, I kinda thought the “coke bloat” was pretty good.  Other than that, couldn’t care less.  Well, I care enough to type this at 95 words per minute but that’s another story for another time with other people.

As you know by now, Lohan is going sit-a-spell in the prison system for a little while. I’m not sure why, exactly, but I guess it’s better than death.  Georgia rule!  My Little Lohan broke down in court when Judge Judy handed out othe setence of 90 days.  Dina was shocked and, from what I read, couldn’t believe that they’re doing this to her daughter.  It’s not fair.  The only thing that is fair, in my opinion, is Lindsay’s skin.  It’s quite fair so I suggest she slather on the SPF 90 when she’s hammering down tracks on the railroad all the live-long day.

According to the drunks over at TMZ, Lohan tested postive for Zoloft, Trazodone, Adderall, Nexium, and Dilaudid during her random drug tests.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with all of these drugs, I believe it’s called the “Anna Nicole Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Punch” on the drink menu at Planet Hollywood.  They could have changed it though.  I don’t keep up.

Best wishes Linds!  90 days in prison?  My, my you’re practically a lady!

Odd, I Have a Feeling Linds Lo and I are Thinking the Same. Exact. Thing.

Seriously, what channel is this on?  This is the precise moment when the thought entered Lindsay Lohan’s mind, “I am shooting the the remake of Night Court, right?  But when did Roz become a lawyer and why is Dan Fielding just standing there in the background not saying anything??”

Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ this.  Lindsay Lohan showed up to court wearing her “no nonsense” business woman suit and her blouse  unbuttoned just enough to try and hypnotize the judge with her freckle cleavage.  Yet, the look on her face says, “Wait, I’m still not dead?”

Anyringaroundthetub, Judge Harry Stone caught Lindsay Lo-handed and ordered her to wear that stylish SCRAM bracelet and to not touch drugs and alcohol.  She should have said don’t drink it, snort it, lick it, sniff it, scratch it, eat it, pinch it, wink at it, inhale it, light it on fire and smell its fumes, etc, etc.  This is Lindsay after all.  And you know if it isn’t spelled out Dina is going to yell at the Judge and say, “Well you didn’t say she couldn’t guzzle high octane gasoline until she queefed it out!”  You’re out of order.  I’m out of order.  This whole damn blog is out of order!

Come On, Lindsay is Totally Fine. The Court is Just Making Her Wear a SCRAM Bracelet, Submit to Random Drug Tests, and Not Drink Alcohol. Everyone Has to Do That Anyway.

My little Lohan, deaths door Lohan, I love to brush your stinky hair!

Why is Lindsay stuck in Cannes?   Oh someone stole her passport.  Someone also stole her beers, so someone better replace those too.  Sadly, no one stole her freckles.  There are plenty of those to go around.

After Linds-o-palooza missed her court date, the Judge did issue an arrest warrant, but did say that she can remain jail free if she pays her $100,00 bail and follows all of the following rules:

• Wear a SCRAM bracelet,
• Not drink alcohol,
• Submit to random weekly drug tests

First off, where in the hell is Linds going to score $100,000 from?  She’s going to have to start selling those smelly leggings off the back of a boat in Cannes.  Second, not drink?  Really?  That’s like telling the Kool-Aid guy not to smile.  Not possible.  Third, random drug tests?  If they mean passing Linds a joint and asking her to tell if it’s lined with coke or not, then that’s the only drug test I can anticipate Lindsay passing.  Speaking of Lindsay passing……how much more time can possibly be left?

No, no, no! Doesn’t Michael Lohan Know Anything About How an Intervention is Supposed to Go?!

Seriously it’s like if you want to give Lindsay Lohan an intervention you should just do it yourself.  Michael Lohan is useless.  According to the crackheads over at TMZ, Michael Lohan and some Sheriff’s deputies headed over to Casa de Lohan to check on the “welfare” of his daughters, Lindsay and Ali (please repeat those names, but say it with a raspy crack voice).  Welfare, clearly, is the right choice of word.

To no surprise, this intervention did not go as planned.  Such a rookie mistake.  Everyone knows you’re supposed to have them come to you and then when they open the door you’re sitting their with about 5 -7 families members all holding notebooks and then a bald guy with a mustache says, “Hi.  I’ve spent some time the your family since yesterday and there’s a bunch of people here who love you like crazy and will do anything to keep you alive.  They’re gonna say some stuff and you’re gonna say some stuff.  And that’s it.”  Duh!

However, according to Dinasaur Lohan, Michael didn’t even recognize his own daughter, Ali, when he entered the apartment.  Dinasaur spewed, “Michael walked into the apartment looked right at Ali and said, I’m looking for my daughter Ali, is she here?”

Dinasaur continued (in between spin dance moves), “I’m in shock right now. I can’t really speak. I’m petrified for my girls and their safety. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of all this. My girls are so afraid of him, I’ve had an order of protection place since 2005 and it stands until 2011. Ali is out there visiting. They are so afraid for their lives. My ex-husband is dangerous.”

Well, I mean, in Michael’s defense, maybe he didn’t recognize Ali because both she an Lindsay look like they’ve were caught in the middle of a hurricane gang bang?  Just a theory.

I can’t wait to hear the speech that Dinasaur and Michael will give at the memorial service.  Seriously, someone help these girls, now.  And I’m not talking to Michael Lohan.  Can’t Oprah do something?

Look Who’s Up!

Ah Lindsay Lohan.  She’s like a fresh morning dew, on a brand new day.  Looking greasy easy, sleazy breezy, alcohol-filled beautiful, Lindsay successfully landed at JFK airport the other day to take care of her many business ventures (I couldn’t even type that with a straight face) in the Big Orange (freckle).

Just think, all of “that” was lounging in what I can only assume is a business class chair and you’ll be the next one on that plane trying to relax on the same seat that probably is as slippery as a hookers hand in church.  I’m not technically sure what that means, but I think I know.  Yeah, it kind of works.  And I pretty much like it.  Ha, a hookers hand in church.  Even Jesus is smiling right now, I bet.

Where was I going with this story?  Eh, pointless.  Lindsay Lohan is still alive.  There’s your story.

Dina Lohan Says “Lindsay is Fine.” Here’s Why I Disagree…

Michael Lohan held a random press conference yesterday that TMZ ran live.  Go figure.  In the press conference, Michael Lohan begged his daughter, Lindsay, to check into rehab for a prescription drug problem.  In response to Michael’s press conference, Dina Lohan said, I have a criminal protective order against him ’til 2011. He’s 1 year behind in child support and he’s using this as a diversion.”  In regards to Lindsay, Dina said, “Everything is fine.”

Um.  I’d like to present to the jury Exhibits A – H on why Lindsay Lohan is not “fine.”

Actually, yeah Dina’s kinda right.  She’s fine.

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Lindsay Lohan Fell Into a Cactus. So, Sounds Like She’s Doing Better, No?

Yawn.  Lindsay Lohan fell into a giant cactus when she arrived at a friends house in the Hollywood Hills the other night.  If I had a dime for every time I heard the phrase, “Lindsay Lohan fell into a cactus” I would have over $548,451.80. That poor cactus.  I would get it tested STAT!  Imagine Lindsay’s “freckle farm” falling directly on you?  I don’t care if it IS covered by a protective layer of cheap/thin leggings.  I’d get tested.

Luckily, Lindsay was with a friend who helped lift her out of the pile of pricks (once again) while the paparazzi did nothing to help but take pictures….which kinda does help because, let’s face it, Lindsay can use all the exposure she can get right now.  If she were smart, once she fell in the cactus she should have started dry humping it and then sued it for $100 million for sexual assault.  See?  Linds needs me on her team.

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Hey Lindsay? Georgia Rule: You’re Not Getting $100 Million

Sounds like someones freckles are dangerously close to her brain.  Lindsay Lohan is very mad and she’s not going to take it any more.  I mean she’ll forget all about this as soon as she sees a shiny silver object, but in the meantime she’s very mad.  According to the NY Post,  Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its latest commercial — who happens to be named Lindsay — was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering.

According to Lindsay’s lawyer, who I’ll just assume is Perry Mason, said that Lindsay has the same singular name recognition as Oprah or Madonna….or Syphilis.  Ok, I made that last one up.  And, since this ad was seen by 15 planets filled with people during the Super Bowl and the winter Olympics, Lindsay is looking for $50 million in exemplary damages and $50 million in compensatory damages.  Or, as a way the lawyer probably had to explain it in terms that Linds could understand, “$2.25 per freckle.”

E-Trade could not be reached for comment.  However, if I worked for E-Trade my comment would be, “Lindsay.  Get a job.  Georgia Rule!”

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Jesus Christ it’s Lindsay H. Lohan!

I mean as if Lindsay No Pants doesn’t have enough reasons why she’s going to burn in the fiery pits of hell, she can now add this to the list:  Posing Like Jesus Dying on the Cross with Modern Version of Crown of Thorns for Magazine Cover.  Check, check, and check!

Lindsay Lohan shot the cover for French (blah) magazine, “Purple Fashion” in which photographer Terry Richardson shot Lindsay (sadly not literally) as Jesus (you know, from the Bible) with arms stretched out and a small crown of thorns.  Seriously even I feel the Catholic guilt for looking at this photo.  I didn’t mean it Jesus, I didn’t mean it!  Lindsay as Jesus on the cross today and next thing you know Noah Cyrus is posing on the cover of Highlights Magazine as the Virgin Mary getting impregnated by the Holy Ghost!  Where’s the line, people, where’ the line?  No really, let me know because I’m almost certain I’ve crossed it.

Oh That Lindsay Lohan! She’s Still Turning the Tables on the Paparazzi Like a Beat Down Knock Knock Joke.

Apparently we found exactly where in the world Carmen Sandiego is.  The answer?  West Hollywood, CA.  Riddle solved.  Finally!  Lindsay Lohan, the Dina Lohan of our generation, decided to have some lame fun with the paparazzi who were taking pictures of her by….wait for it……wait for it….wait for it….scrub your freckles……wait for it…..took pictures of the paparazzi.  Oh that Lindsay!  Quite the innovative thinker.

Lindsay, who looks like she leaves a ring around the bath tub, may be heading back to real work soon if E! Online is correct in reporting that she may be teaming up with Lady Gaga for a duet.  Producer Rodney Jerkins told E!, “I can pair them up.  I would love it.  I would love to see what happens.”

Uh.  I’ll tell you what will happen.  Lady Gaga will end up with a drinking and drug problem and will probably grow a freckle body suit and, well, no one needs that.  Not me, not you, not Gaga, not Linds, and certainly not the American public.  Something tells me that Lady Gaga may not agree to this.  I’m thinking we have a better chance of seeing Gaga duet with the ghost of Nell Carter.  In fact, I’m praying for it now.

Lindsay Lohan Looks….Wait For It….Wait For It…..”Decent” at the Golden Globes

I mean sure she was dressed like the person who controls the guillotine in Robin Hood, but Lindsay Lohan actually looked like she wasn’t about to collapse or implode while at the 2010 InStyle Golden Globes after-party in Beverly Hills last night. So, good for her.  She should always wear a hood like ET in disguise.

Channeling her inner Grace Jones (except the orangier version) Lohan was said to be in great spirits and out to celebrate with the winners and losers at the Beverly Hilton Hotel until the wee hours of the morning.  Others in attendance were Sandra Bullock, Cameron Diaz, Robert Downey Jr, and Courtney Cox.

Lindsay Lohan’s Bikini Must Stink Like a BINGO Hall

Lindsay No Pants was feeling easy, breezy, smokey, and beautiful whilst on a yacht (that I’ll assume she’s cleaning to made ends meet) in St Barth’s around New Year’s Eve.  Holding a cigarette over the railing of the boat like a skank in heat, Lindsay tossed her hair back in the  cancer filled wind and posed for a photo opportunity that she would soon post to her Twitter account. 

So what is Lindsay’s New Year resolution you ask (crickets, crickets, crickets)?  Well Linds Tweeted,

“To answer everybody’s question…My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2constantly tear me down.”  She later tweeted, “2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? ”

Yikes, hopefully she tacked on quitting smoking and stop using so many exclamation points, question marks, and sidewards smiley faces to her future resolutions.

When Did Lindsay and Ali Lohan Turn Into the Olsen Twins?

Like a fresh morning dew on a brand new day, Lindsay Lohan, Ali Lohan, and Ginger Lohan all took part in some holiday family bonding while at the Rangers game in NYC over the weekend.  When I saw the first photo of all three “kids” yelling I assumed they were just around the Lohan family dinner table on Christmas, but then quickly realized that I had to be wrong as I typically picture Dina Lohan doing dances all around the table while spinning her extensions all over the dining room.  The kids would laugh and cheer and Michael Lohan would be hiding right outside the window with a tape recorder, telescopic camera, and a production assistant from Inside Edition.  Well that’s at least how I picture a Lohan family Christmas.

Anyfreckles, when in the F did Linds and Ali turn into the Olsen Twins?  I’ll assume that would make the little brother, Schecky Olsen, yes?

Fun With Lindsay Lohan’s Myspace! Humans Are Creepy.

 That’s right boys, girls, and those who have both a pee pee and a wee wee, it’s time to check in on Lindsay Lohan and see just how she’s doing on  Myspace and, more importantly, how her “fans” are doing.  Why Lohan’s Myspace page isn’t the next location for “To Catch a Predator” is beyond me.  No joke, I think I’m going to track these people down and make a citizens arrest.  Anyfreckles, Lindsay wanted everyone to know that they can follow her on her newer Twitter account.  I learned a lot.  I learned that people like to type the following words a lot: Wut Up LINZ!, HaTeRz, Do U!, LOLZ, and J/K.  I also learned that people are still nuts.  Below are handful of my favorite responses to Lindsay:

~ Yeah Mike, you totally have known Linds for a long time especially because she’s probably tied up in the trunk of your ‘85 Oldsmobile as I type this.  And, you have a point.  Being Myspace friends with someone you don’t really know really is an honor.  You should get down on your knees every day and thank Jesus that someone who is running Lindsay’s Myspace page clicked “accept” to your friend request.  Oh, and you should also untie her and let her out of your trunk.

~ This guy was so creeptastic that I’ve decided to also include his picture.  Hopefully this will save him the time of being lawfully obligated to introduce himself to all of his neighbors.  Something tells me that “Linds” isn’t missing him.  I also fear for Lindsay during her “alone time” with Lorne, especially since he is missin her “*****”, & “***”, & beautiful ****!”  Should I assume the last “****” is “arms?”  Oh wait, I got it.  He should have added “********” – freckles.  Calling the cops, Lorne, calling the cops.

 

~ Alright apparently we have someone from the KKK here.  It’ nice that they’ve taken their hate to the Myspace world.  Also, why do people just add “…” in between actual letters of words?  I guess it’s because this guy is a natural redhead too and that  i..n rare.  Seriously, is this supposed to get a response from Lindsay?  Like she’s going to write him back and be like, “Oh my God, you’re a natural redhead too?  Wanna come over so we can discuss that?”  Fa….il.

 

~ Sweet, yet another perv!  I’m sure if this d-bag was 30 years younger he would have a chance with Lindsay.  And I’m sure she would accept all your love and “kiss” too.  And what “good work” should Lindsay be keeping up?  Not falling down?  Even spray-tan blending?  Tweeting? I’m confused. 

 

~ Do people just blindly open up the dictionary, point to parts of words, and then just start typing?  What does any of this even mean? Does it really take that much more time to type in the full word?  I mean, in this case it still wouldn’t make any sort of sense, but at least it would show the effort.  “An 4 twits mak a flok?”  Huh?  Is that some kind of Al Qaeda message to signal Jihad?