More Mindless Stories on ‘lindsay lohan’

Lohan Should Have Gone With a Different Background for Her Mugshot

Well, there you have it. Lohan’s mugshot.  I think the orange jumpsuit really brings out her eyes and hides the freckle farm too.  Yawn.  Lohan should have asked for some alternative mugshot backgrounds that would really send a message to the public that she’s ok, having fun, and being easy, breezy, beautiful.  Here are some of my favorite options for Linds Lo:

The Laser Background:  It says, “You can’t control me.  Suck it, blue background.”

Blue Background: It says, “Fine, I’ll listen.”

Magic Kingdom Background:  It says, “I’m the king of this castle, bitch!  Please don’t hurt me.  Ow.  Ouch.”

Moon Landing Background:  It says, “I’ll trade you my moon for a carton of Misty 120’s.”

Georgia Rule Background: It says, “You can’t play connect the freckles with your tongue.  Georgia rule!”

Jesse Spano Freak-Out Background:  It says, “I’m so excited.  I’m so, so, scared!”

Brady Bunch Background:  It says, “Ann B Davis who?  What, what!”

Join Me on Facebook, My Very Own Prison!

Lindsay Lohan is Just Going to Go to Jail for a Spell. Hopefully This Takes Care of That Pesky “Coke Bloat,” Dina Ponders.

I don’t care if she serves 90 days, 23 days, or just a side of ham and hash browns. I don’t even care if Linday Lohan loses her freckle rights in prison.  Basically I’m just trying to work the term “spell” back into my vocabulary and, quite honestly, I kinda thought the “coke bloat” was pretty good.  Other than that, couldn’t care less.  Well, I care enough to type this at 95 words per minute but that’s another story for another time with other people.

As you know by now, Lohan is going sit-a-spell in the prison system for a little while. I’m not sure why, exactly, but I guess it’s better than death.  Georgia rule!  My Little Lohan broke down in court when Judge Judy handed out othe setence of 90 days.  Dina was shocked and, from what I read, couldn’t believe that they’re doing this to her daughter.  It’s not fair.  The only thing that is fair, in my opinion, is Lindsay’s skin.  It’s quite fair so I suggest she slather on the SPF 90 when she’s hammering down tracks on the railroad all the live-long day.

According to the drunks over at TMZ, Lohan tested postive for Zoloft, Trazodone, Adderall, Nexium, and Dilaudid during her random drug tests.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with all of these drugs, I believe it’s called the “Anna Nicole Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Punch” on the drink menu at Planet Hollywood.  They could have changed it though.  I don’t keep up.

Best wishes Linds!  90 days in prison?  My, my you’re practically a lady!

Odd, I Have a Feeling Linds Lo and I are Thinking the Same. Exact. Thing.

Seriously, what channel is this on?  This is the precise moment when the thought entered Lindsay Lohan’s mind, “I am shooting the the remake of Night Court, right?  But when did Roz become a lawyer and why is Dan Fielding just standing there in the background not saying anything??”

Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ this.  Lindsay Lohan showed up to court wearing her “no nonsense” business woman suit and her blouse  unbuttoned just enough to try and hypnotize the judge with her freckle cleavage.  Yet, the look on her face says, “Wait, I’m still not dead?”

Anyringaroundthetub, Judge Harry Stone caught Lindsay Lo-handed and ordered her to wear that stylish SCRAM bracelet and to not touch drugs and alcohol.  She should have said don’t drink it, snort it, lick it, sniff it, scratch it, eat it, pinch it, wink at it, inhale it, light it on fire and smell its fumes, etc, etc.  This is Lindsay after all.  And you know if it isn’t spelled out Dina is going to yell at the Judge and say, “Well you didn’t say she couldn’t guzzle high octane gasoline until she queefed it out!”  You’re out of order.  I’m out of order.  This whole damn blog is out of order!

Come On, Lindsay is Totally Fine. The Court is Just Making Her Wear a SCRAM Bracelet, Submit to Random Drug Tests, and Not Drink Alcohol. Everyone Has to Do That Anyway.

My little Lohan, deaths door Lohan, I love to brush your stinky hair!

Why is Lindsay stuck in Cannes?   Oh someone stole her passport.  Someone also stole her beers, so someone better replace those too.  Sadly, no one stole her freckles.  There are plenty of those to go around.

After Linds-o-palooza missed her court date, the Judge did issue an arrest warrant, but did say that she can remain jail free if she pays her $100,00 bail and follows all of the following rules:

• Wear a SCRAM bracelet,
• Not drink alcohol,
• Submit to random weekly drug tests

First off, where in the hell is Linds going to score $100,000 from?  She’s going to have to start selling those smelly leggings off the back of a boat in Cannes.  Second, not drink?  Really?  That’s like telling the Kool-Aid guy not to smile.  Not possible.  Third, random drug tests?  If they mean passing Linds a joint and asking her to tell if it’s lined with coke or not, then that’s the only drug test I can anticipate Lindsay passing.  Speaking of Lindsay passing……how much more time can possibly be left?

No, no, no! Doesn’t Michael Lohan Know Anything About How an Intervention is Supposed to Go?!

Seriously it’s like if you want to give Lindsay Lohan an intervention you should just do it yourself.  Michael Lohan is useless.  According to the crackheads over at TMZ, Michael Lohan and some Sheriff’s deputies headed over to Casa de Lohan to check on the “welfare” of his daughters, Lindsay and Ali (please repeat those names, but say it with a raspy crack voice).  Welfare, clearly, is the right choice of word.

To no surprise, this intervention did not go as planned.  Such a rookie mistake.  Everyone knows you’re supposed to have them come to you and then when they open the door you’re sitting their with about 5 -7 families members all holding notebooks and then a bald guy with a mustache says, “Hi.  I’ve spent some time the your family since yesterday and there’s a bunch of people here who love you like crazy and will do anything to keep you alive.  They’re gonna say some stuff and you’re gonna say some stuff.  And that’s it.”  Duh!

However, according to Dinasaur Lohan, Michael didn’t even recognize his own daughter, Ali, when he entered the apartment.  Dinasaur spewed, “Michael walked into the apartment looked right at Ali and said, I’m looking for my daughter Ali, is she here?”

Dinasaur continued (in between spin dance moves), “I’m in shock right now. I can’t really speak. I’m petrified for my girls and their safety. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of all this. My girls are so afraid of him, I’ve had an order of protection place since 2005 and it stands until 2011. Ali is out there visiting. They are so afraid for their lives. My ex-husband is dangerous.”

Well, I mean, in Michael’s defense, maybe he didn’t recognize Ali because both she an Lindsay look like they’ve were caught in the middle of a hurricane gang bang?  Just a theory.

I can’t wait to hear the speech that Dinasaur and Michael will give at the memorial service.  Seriously, someone help these girls, now.  And I’m not talking to Michael Lohan.  Can’t Oprah do something?