More Mindless Stories on ‘kim zolciak’

Insert “Tardy For the P*ssy” Jokes Here _________

Maybe there wasn’t  a “tightrope between me and you.”  Maybe it was just a vaginastein the whole time.  The bleak future of the Heidi Montagbot, Kim Zolciak, is reportedly “trading wigs” with another woman.  And by “trading wigs” I, of course, am talking about “doing boom boom.”  And by “doing boom boom” I, of course, am talking about “being in a relationship with a woman.”  I think my maturity just peaked.

Us Weekly is exclusively reporting that Real Housewives of Atlanta trash bag, Kim, is dating DJ Tracy Young and has been for the past 3-months.  Why do all female DJ’s look like Samantha Ronson?  Well, all DJ’s except Tanner.

Kim and Tracy Young “stepped out” together at Blacks’ Annual Gala in Miami over the weekend and are said to be “really happy.”  You totally know Big Papa is paying Kim in blond wigs if she’s willing to toss Tracy in the bed with them.  Thank youPAPAAAAA! Wait a second.  Maybe Big Papa was actually Carnie Wilson the who time?!

See, now if DeShawn Snow was willing to play scissors with some chick maybe she’d still be on the show today.  And you know NeNe is in process of cutting her hair even shorter so she can give Kim’s possible lesbian storyline a run for its prosituted out money.

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Did Kim Zolciak Get a Nose Job and No One Told Me? Thanks For Nothing.

Kelly Cutrone gives the side-eye and I get emails.  Bindi Irwin gives a thumbs up and my email is flooded.  But Kim Zolciak performs “Tardy for the Party” on Ellen the other day and looks a bit “different” and not one email, comment, or note.  Thanks for nothing.  Fine I forgive you.

I can’t seem to figure out if Kim has gone the Heidi Montag career route and bought herself a new nose or if she filed down her chin in a similar way that Audrina removed some “tooth” from her mouf.  Either way, Kim look’s A-OK and if she did get some work done I say good for her and more power to her!  I say everyone should fix what they don’t like about themselves and just keep at it until you have an entirely new head.  I’d shoot for Guy Smiley, of course, or the father from “Family Matters.”  Whatever is easier for the doctors to do.

Special shout out to Kim’s “back up dancers” whom I think just happen to work on the Ellen show backstage and agreed to follow Kim around as she “sang” and looked at them awkwardly.  This, clearly, was very reminiscent of the Beyonce/Single Ladies video. 

In closing, my favorite parts of any of Kim’s “performances” is when she sings “…until I see daylight” and she somehow develops a Jamaican accent and also when she sings “forget about work and the stress of the week” as it sounds like she’s allowed a stray cat to sing lead vocals on that part.  Bravo, Kim, bravo!  Literally.

Kim Zolciak Goes to Pick Up Her American Music Award

I’m glad that we live in a world where Kim Zolciak is invited to the American Music Awards.  I’m also glad that we live in a world Kim aspires to win one of the AMAs for either “Tardy For the Party” or “Tight Rope.”  My money is on “Tight Rope” for a VMA and “Tardy for the Party” for a Grammy. 

I’d also like to reach out to Kim at this time and let her know that if there is any award that she gets nominated for, I’d like to accompany her on the red carpet and, as my punishment for being to mean, I will tell each person in the press, including the paparazzi, that I was wrong and Kim is a wonderful, wonderful, talent.  The Patsy Cline of our generation.

Kim “Performs/Sings” ‘Tardy For The Party’ During the Housewives Reunion Show. Somewhere Heidi Montag is Chasing Seagulls on the Beach and Taking Copious Notes

So you know how you go to a wedding and there’s always that one unmarried middle-aged distant relative there who’s sitting at the “table of randoms” and she tries to pretend she’s not bitter at all so she spends the first half of the reception drinking Cosmo’s and checking her face in the mirror every 15 seconds?  Every 30 seconds she’s checking her phone, but sadly, there are no calls.  She’s really quiet at first and you wouldn’t even know she was there until all of a sudden you notice her grinding on the dance floor with the father of the bride while everyone looks on an points and whispers.  Then it happens.  “Dancing Queen” comes on and she pushes everyone out of the way in order to form a circle around her and she sings/screams into her drink whilst dancing over-sexual and spilling her Cosmo all down the side of her leg.  She mistakes the whispers for “cheering” and the frowns for “smiles.”  So she just keeps at it, slurring her way through the entire song.  Yeah, well that was the Kim Zolciak performance for me.

 Kim kicks things off with a kiss towards the camera and then she struts up onto the stage with two In Living Color “Fly Girls” following her with balloons because, get it, it’s a party.  Balloons = party.  Yup, we got it.  Reminiscent of Britney Spears “singing” Gimme Me during the MTV Music Awards, Kim does “sexy dance moves” with the microphone stand and at one point she even walks across the stage, looking back at the “Fly Girls” and says “Come on bitches.”  This, I’m almost certain, is the only time we actually hear Kim’s real voice during the performance and it sounds like kittens being sprayed with gasoline, choked, raped, and set on fire.

Perhaps my favorite part is when Kim sings, “And I am not leaving ’til I see daylight.”  It’s the “I see daylight” that is brilliant because I was never aware, until now, that Kim had a Jamaican accent.  I’m also excited when Kim takes the mic off the stand and sings “Don’t be tardy for the party” because she does the “no no” hand gesture that lets us, the viewers, know that Kim does not, in fact, want us to be tardy for the party.  And we won’t, Kim.  And we won’t.

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Kim Zolciak and Her Olsen Twins Head Out to the Reality Show Awards

Kim Zolciak could fit a tightrope and the entire collection of She by Sheree between her Olsen Twins as she smiled for the camera (singular) at the Reality Awards a couple of days ago.  The soon to be Grammy nominated singer has been burning up the charts (in my head) with her rendition of Tardy for the Party and has a lot to celebrate.  I’m not sure exactly what, but her rack seems to be enjoying itself.  In other important Kim Zolciak news, Kim recently told Bonnie Hunt (because that makes sense) that she and Big Poppa are taking a break this month and she’s wearing her engagement ring on her other finger until they can figure things out.  Somewhere in a dumpster Nene is yelling “Close your legs to married mens, close ya legs ta married mens.”  Kim is also rumored to be removing her wig for an upcoming spread she’s taking part in, which I assume will just be her Myspace page, but regardless, I will tune in.