More Mindless Stories on ‘kids picture this’

Kids Picture This: The History Lesson

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – What the F do you, little Jimmy, see when you look up in the sky?  Because if that’s the “moon” that you see I going to have to have your parents take you to the therapist and have them have you point on the doll where someone touched you.  Since when is the moon flat….and have have red on it?  Does that moon have a blood clot because, well, that is the only explanation I can think of.  And, yeah, I haven’t been to a history class in a while but I’m almost positive that the astronauts were not naked when they landed on the moon.  Oh, and they weren’t Smurf’s either, but thanks for using your “sky blue” Crayola crayon in your box of 64.  Now I know you’re saying that Americans sent a spaceship to the moon and then landed on it, but can you please explain, in intricate detail, where the black dinosaur comes into play?  Did dinosaurs originate on the moon?  The answer to that, little Jimmy is “no, no they did not.”  I’m also not sure why said dinosaur is projectile vomiting, but I’ll just chalk it up to you being an only child and your parents telling you how great you are every single day.  I’m sure you always get a trophy even when you lose, is that right little Jimmy?  It is.  You can say it.  It is.  In closing, the moon looks like hell.  And I mean actual hell.  Like the place you go when you talk back to your parents or say the Lord’s name in vain.  I hope you’re comfortable with this because odds are that you’ll be spending quite a bit of eternity there.  I’m kidding.  You’ll be spending all of eternity there.

Picture # 2 – Disclaimer: This drawing was emailed to me and I was informed that this is supposed to be George Washington chopping down the cherry tree.  Continuing on.  Who knew our founding father, George Washington, loved to wear pink capri pants?  Certainly not me.  Although I did always hear the rumor that he would sit in the barbers chair and ask for “The Betty White” which apparently they nailed, as George has a yellowy-white tight perm.  Little “Susie” really went all out with this drawing.  I’m sure she drew herself into a coma.  I mean, great work with not coloring in the tree trunk, the leaves, the shirt, or the pants.  Oh and since when do shoes look like a “6″ and a backwards “6.”  Perhaps that was the style back then.  Ugh, and that tree is the pits. It looks as fake as the tree did during the opening ceremony in the Olympics this past week.  Other things that I can’t seem to get my mind around is why George Washington is trying to chop down this white cherry tree with a pink boomerang or, most importantly, why George Washington is dry-humping this tree.  I mean he’s really getting a firm grip on that trunk.  If this was like a flipbook, you’d see George going to absolute town on it.  Well at least he’s smiling and having, apparently, the time of his life.  Maybe it’s his new outfit?  One may never know.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: Soapbox Threats

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 -  Well isn’t this quite the interesting self portrait.  I’d like to use this child’s name but, apparently, they just wrote in a few of the letters that they knew.  Now I’ve never seen a Smurf with a combover like that before, but then again I’ve never seen a a robots erection coming out of its second ass that just happens to be directly next to its body.  Call me close minded.  Little Ms L’Banca (??) is clearly showing us what living through the nuclear holocaust will look like.  The sun turns into an exploding asshole and your feet are replaced with two short sticks so, well, good luck walking.  And looks like they really went all out with that rainbow.  I mean, they used over 2 colors.  Brick Red and just regular red.  What an imagination!  You better hope you’re good with Math and Science because any form of an artistic career isn’t happening.  And does their t-shirt say “smelly?”  That’s odd since this person, who is clearly catatonic, is missing their nose, but the detail in the teeth is exquisite.  I think I see over 4 teeth in that mouth.  I’m sure they’re from the south.  What?  Just sayin’.  Well, anyway, I hope that whole nuclear holocaust thing works out for you.  Now stop staring at me!

Picture # 2 – And the award for “girl most likely to be knocked up by 17″ goes to….Yasmine!  Good job sweetie.  I’m not sure you can hear me all the way up there on your soapbox.  You know what?  No one needs to hear your take on pollution.  Actually, scratch that.  We may need to hear it as I can barely read it.  Bubble letters?  Really?  And looks like you misjudged just how long your message was going to be, huh?  This is what the whole thing looks like to me:  “Pollurion 15 Like Fire Ir Kioo5 Pieasf Keep Earrl Cleo.”  Seriously it’s like a signal for the al qaeda to declare jihad again on the United States.  That’s it, I’m automatically adding your name to the “no fly” list.  Done and done.  And you know what?  Your message is just a bit dramatic.  Oh boo hoo.  Pollution is like fire, it kills.  Does it?  Sure, maybe over long stretches of time, but can you give me the names of the people who lost their houses to pollution?  Or can you give me the recipe for Smores that can made over a little bit pollution?  See what I mean there, Yasmine?  Ok?  You’re not going to scream and then have to stop, drop, and roll if you encounter a little pollution.  Now stop that this minute before your mom and dad give you up for adoption.  I mean, the economy still craps the bed and, well, you still piss the bed so it’s actually not looking too good for you.  Now run off to recess.  That’ll be all.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: The Cops are Coming For You. Literally.

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Everyone pull their cars over to the right because the dildo-mobile is racing up the street to break up, what I can only assume is, an all male orgy.  This cast of characters is like a mix between the Village People and NYPD Blue.  The construction worker in the middle is clearly doing the YMCA whilst he craps out  stick of dynamite and the guys to the left of him are possibly doing the “Paso Doble.”  10!  It looks like the “Polices” are the guys who are wearing blue trucks without tires on their head.  And they all look real busy, especially the two Polices who are making out in the back of the dildo mobile and the one Polices who is humping either a street cone or a dunce hat on the trunk.  It’s a real toss up and only science can help us one day decipher this.  I don’t think it’s official Police procedure to hog tie a guy on the ground and then do sex to him in front of all the other Polices, but then again I’m not cop and I don’t know all of their rules.  I do, however, think it’s a nice change of pace for the Polices car to be so multicolored.  I mean, do you know how many times people get speeding tickets because a cop car is hidden on the side of the road?  Well apparently those days are gone because everyone is going to be able to see the lime green and bright blue exterior with new purple siren lights and matching hub cap party bus from about 10 miles away!  I’m also liking their new uniforms.  “Blue” is so 1900 – 2009.  2010 and beyond is all about a lime green purse (??) and red lipstick holder.  And, clearly, “Open Up” is the new “You have the right to remain silent.”  The future scares me.  A lot.

Picture # 2 – This is exactly what happens when you allow your kids to eat Fruity Pebbles.  Little Sandy, the Queen of All Colors, is so excited!  Perhaps it’s because, per usual, she’s taller than her house?  Perhaps it’s because she’s coming back from a comical visit at the cemetery that just happens to be in her front yard?  The sun seems pleased.  Perhaps it’s because she took a piss between the cemetery and her house and did it in front of the ghost that’s just about to greet her?  Maybe it’s because the letter “P” is holding her leg up?  Most likely, though, it’s because Little Sandy is a paranoid schizophrenic with a strong case of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and a side of turrets.  The teacher probably simply asked her to draw a picture of sunset and this is what Little Sandy came up with.  It’s kind of impressive that she got all of these things in one picture in the time given since I’m sure Little Sandy spends the majority of her time poking the boy sitting next to her with a freshly sharpened #2 pencil and snorting when she giggles all whilst asking the teacher if she can go to the bathroom 15 times in the hour.  Even when her desk is dragged out of the classroom and placed in the hallway, Little Sandy kept drawing her “sunset.”  She never gives up.  Even when she tries to run from the teacher, she keeps drawing…and stabbing people with pencils…and giggle snorting….and asking to go to the bathroom….all day….every day….for the second consecutive year in a row….because she repeated the 3rd grade….twice…..and most likely will again next year…..and the year after that…..until the teacher just passes her because she fears for her own life and sanity.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: Drawing Friends, Destroying Lives

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – Get this crush off of me?  What does that even mean, Sally?  Mommy convinced her friends and herself that it was ok to drink 3 glasses of wine per day when she was pregnant, didn’t she?  Why does it look like Pig Pen is trying to get to 3rd base with this chick?  And why the hell is she bald on the top of her head, but not the sides?  Get that sh*t checked out by a doctor ASAP and see if he can fit you with some prosthetic feet while you’re at it because, clearly, you are missing those.  Other questions that come to mind hover around the fact that you and your friend are talking to each other with your mouths in perfect circles. There are no words in the English language that make your mouth form a perfect circle while saying them, except the word “ho” which I’ll assume you’re calling your friend since she’s letting you know that she’s coming.  Uh, that’s pretty personal you pig.  And how the F tall is the chick in the green dress? She’s about 98% legs, 1% upper body, and 1% head.  Technically she should be starring in her own reality show on the Discovery Channel or TLC.  By the way, no one has claws as hands.  Just sayin’.

Picture # 2 -  Little Jill is not happy.  Nope, not happy at all.  I mean, she could be pissed that her legs are covered in cuts (looks like step-daddy came home drunk again) or the fact that she is sans eye and her mouth has teeth all around it kinda like Sloth from Goonies.  It’s a tough call.  Either way, I’m not sure what world Little Jilly grew up in, but here on planet Earth, our shoes don’t have eyes and floppy dog-like ears.  And is she yelling out ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics to her friend or no?  Her friend who appears to be a blond mongoloid with a ginger side ponytail is still all smiles even though her big toe is shooting out her shoes and her crotch has, literally, been sewn up.  However, I do find it entertaining that even though they’re clearly having issues they still have found the time to perform the Single Ladies dance.  That’s true friendship.  P.S, nice Santa Claus cuffs and bow-tie on the friend because no one wears that.  Ever.  You don’t even see pictures of it.  Anywhere.  So basically your kid is a psycho and should be tested stat for homicidal tendencies.  Scratch that, this is the test and they are.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

Facebook Me, It’s all The Rage.  Click Here!

Kids Picture This: The Future (and your kid) is Ugly.

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go….

Picture # 1 -  Ugh.  Is there nothing worse than a kid with future plans?  Terrible.  Well, then there’s Sean and his future plans.  What I first assumed was a hospital bed placed on two red tomatoes apparently is his idea for a motor bike?  Sean, who writes like a future stalker, writes, “When I grow up I want to buy a motor bike and drive it on the road.”  Really?  The road?  Where else are you supposed to drive it?  The Coliseum?  Actually, you apparently think that your hospital bed on tomatoes is supposed to be driven directly up to the sky.  Yeah, that’s likely.  Just be careful to not smack your “motor bike” into that yellow “truck” that missing all its walls and has a black paperclip for headlights.  And blue wheels?  Really Sean?  When’s the last time you saw blue wheels?  Is this a truck of the future?  Well you better pray the world really does end in 2012 because your future looks like an acid-trip-nightmare.  And what the hell is a “motor bike” anyway?  You’re from England aren’t you?  I can just tell by the way you’re elegantly sitting on your “motor bike.”  At first I thought it was an ant-farm, but evidently this is what you think you look like.  Good luck affording that “motor bike” when you grow up, but I don’t think bagging groceries at the Stop-n-Shop is going to pay enough for you to purchase your “futuristic mode of transportation to the sky.”  Good luck and don’t forget to wear a helmet!

Picture # 2 -  Watch out, kids, for the basketball head that cries tears of blood from its mouth!  Little Billy’s mother clearly drank a 12-pack and smoked like a chimney while in her first and second trimester because I’m sensing a bit of the old brain damage.  Why this basketball is crying and wearing a florescent yellow Maxi Pad on his head is something I’m not quite able to comprehend.  Maybe the basketball head is crying tears of blood from its mouth because it’s teething?  And, of course, by “teething” I mean “sprouted what appear to be 210 teeth.  I stopped counting once I got sidetracked by the blue spider and the red bird (??) that seems to be carrying a saw in its mouth.  I can’t even begin to know what Little Billy’s dreams must be like.  I feel like it must consist of a lot of talking objects with wonky eyes and lots of teeth. And why it has one eye that is all bugged out like it’s on a meth binge is something I’m currently discussing with the proper authorities at Child Services.  Now is it the basketball head that “released its seed” in the right bottom corner of the drawing or would that be from the spider?  Something tells me that in a few years Little Billy is going to be taking a few of those to the face.  Oh and way to go all out with the nose, Billy.  Nothing like just drawing a crooked “J” and then just calling it a day.  We don’t want you to strain yourself after all.  And the last time I checked your eyebrows don’t grow directly into the eyeball itself.  Hopefully that flying bird-saw can shave off a little of that.  See you in prison!

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

Facebook Me, It’s all The Rage.  Click Here!