More Mindless Stories on ‘kids picture this’
25
Kids Picture This: The Self Portrait
Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go…
Picture # 1 – Enough with the demands, Little Sammy! You keep it blue, I’m busy! And not for nothing, but Lake Erie looks like a Caribbean puddle or like a Smurf “went to town” all over the place. I’ll just assume it’s blue. Lake Erie is in the United States and, therefore, wouldn’t be blue. Ugh. So dumb. You’re probably the same kid that makes raindrops and tears blue, aren’t you? I asked you a question, answer me. And way to be extra lazy too. “Keep the Lake This Color.” What color would that be? I’m confused because you wrote that in orange marker so, uh, do you want us to keep this lake orange? Like we’ll toss a few hundred thousand bags of Cheeto’s in there and see what happens? I’m all for that. Oh, you’re talking about the “blue” that is the lake. I get it. The arrow really helped me out with that. Had the arrow not been there I would have not known where on the page the actual lake was so, well, thanks for that. Now I don’t want to burst your bubble (which I’ll just assume you would color blue, as well), but uh that “62” that was written by an adult on your drawing…..yeah, that’s your grade…..out of 100. Yeesh. You ok? 62 out of 100. Unless the scale as changed, that’s pretty much a D-. D-. You basically are just passing “Art” by the skin of your yellow baby teeth. However I think I can help you. Now, if you draw a few rounded lines under the “lake” and then write “Kohler” on it, I think we can convince your teacher that you just drew a toilet. Ironically, that’s the only water in the United States that may be blue. Also, speaking of toilets, that’s pretty much where your art career is heading so I’d switch to math of science or something. Maybe puppetry? Do they still offer that as course work?
Picture # 2 – Oh my poor little girl. Yowza. Tyra would have a field day with this. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a self portrait of Abigail. Actually, I don’t know if that’s her name or if it really is “Abigeh.” Something tells me it’s “Abigeh.” Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Abigeh is apparently a sock puppet penis with a green nail going in and out of her head. Seriously, this is what she sees when she looks in the mirror? A sock puppet penis? Yeah, when your drunken stepdad calls you a “dickhead” he doesn’t mean it literally. Maybe he does. I wasn’t there. I don’t know his intentions. And nice beaded necklace that you lovingly strapped around your shaft. In about 15 years that’s going to take on a whole new meaning and if I were to explain that I’m pretty sure I’d have to register as a Level 2, possibly a Level 3 and, well, that’s not a gamble I’m willing to take just to educate you. You know what I mean? And why are you giving me the side-eye? Is it because there’s a flying heart with wings coming after you? Yeah you’re going to want to contact a clinical psychologist for that. I won’t be able to help with that. If that flying heart with wings starts talking to you, don’t be surprised if you wake up strapped to a bed and eating Jello out of a crazy straw. Although, Abigeh, I am seeing good things for you in your future as you currently have newscaster hair and that is a highly coveted high paying job so, you know, start practicing reading from a teleprompter while you’re strapped to that bed.
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!
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18
Kids Picture This: Let’s Play the Feud!
Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go…
Picture # 1 – Seriously do we have a pollution problem that the rest of us don’t know about because it seems like that’s all that “the kids” are drawing about these days. Although, I’m thinking that Little Suzie is getting a little confused between “pollution” and “vomit.” I can help clear that up. You see, pollution is undesirable state of the natural environment being contaminated with harmful substances as a consequence of human activities. Vomit, on the other hand, is this drawing. See the difference? I’m also not sure why that sunflower is whipping a giant’s leather belt at that little green frog (??), but alas it is. I also didn’t know that sunflowers could talk and say “Cooooof.” Maybe that’s “sunflower talk” for “C-“ Who knows. And why in the holy hell is Little Suzie saying that we should “vote for earth?” Vote for earth for what? American Idol? Homecoming Queen? Most Popular Girl? And where do I send my vote? And who is going to tally it? It’s a little bias too, don’t you think? Like is someone promoting Mars or Pluto? What about Saturn for Christ sakes? And what about Uranus? What the hell about Uranus?! What a sin. That flower on the right, you know the one that’s dead, looks like it’s ready to give “mouth pleasure” to that smoke stack….or maybe it just has and that’s why it’s shooting “pollutants” into the air. Yeah, pollutants. That’s it. Oh and “P.S” there are no blue and black stars in the sky unless, of course, it’s a sign of “end of days” which it probably is. And can you quickly and directly explain to me why there are flowers in full bloom under the ground? Nice try, Little Suzie. Thanks to this drawing people are going to pollute even more. At least I am.
Picture # 2 – I think it’s comforting when the “Family Feud ‘X’” lets you know just exactly which member of your family will be taking the ultimate dirt nap. That’s how I want to know when I’m about to die. A giant red “X” will just appear over my body and the crowd will say, “Awwwww.” Survey says……awwwww death. That sucks. The rest of the family, apparently, isn’t taking it well either. The mother is forced to hold a little baby that’s about the exact size of a paperclip for the rest of eternity. Seriously her “blue tears” are going to drown it. And why are the two little boys wearing no shirts and “Hammer” pants? I mean this would make completely sense if the whole family broke out into a rendition of “Can’t Touch This” but that’s unlikely to happen because of, you know, the whole death situation that is apparently taking place at this moment. Wait a second, maybe the father is being “X’d” out due to lack of Hammer pants? Hmmm, now we may be onto something! And the mother/daughter totally look like they’re part of one of those Polygamist Sect sex cults and are forced to wear those highly flammable Easter color paper dresses. All they’re missing is that “half fallen Snooki poof” and we’d be in business. I have no idea where I’m even going with this. Eh, B+ for trying.
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!
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11
Kids Picture This: Let’s Put Down the Crayons and Pick Up a Dictionary
Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go…
Picture # 1 – Ay yi yi. You know what? Let’s just make a new rule, Little Jimmy, if you can’t spell just don’t. Don’t. Just stick to drawing. Actually, I’d reconsider that too. Any chance you can swing a bat? Because this may be your best bet as a “paying job” after you repeat 2nd grade six more times. I’m not even kidding, I’m pretty sure this cryptic message to “Justin” is actually a message to the Taliban to start blowing sh*t up again. In fact, I’m guessing they’ll be using that “truck” that Little Jimmy drew. I mean, it makes sense as those tires are actually just rocks that the Taliban will throw at each other on a dirt road as they hide behind broken down cars that are engulfed in flames while their 6 wives cover their faces, raise their hands to the sky, and cry in foreign tongues. You know the scene. Now let’s try to dissect this message. For some reason I’m going to need to you read this with a German accent. I believe it reads: “Dear Justin. I like when you tuk us the hard. It was fun dan, was ulot of chres from amFar.” I have no idea. I didn’t know where the last sentence ended or started for that matter. All I know is that Justin apparently tuk’s them on the hard and, well, I’m going to need to report this to the authorities. And let’s get back to that truck that is, most likely, being used as a missile. Is Big Bird driving this truck filled with illegal immigrants across the Mexican border? Did I just crack the case? I think I just did. Maybe the whole sentence about “tuk us on the hard” is really code for “tuck and roll once we hit the border and the dogs start chasing us.” Does this make me a diplomat? I believe it does. I believe it does.
Picture # 2 – Another picture sent to me from an IBBB reader – Hey there Little Billy. You doin’ good? Yeah? I bet you are. I’m going to need you to do me a little favor though, ok? Good. Yeah, I’m going to need to your stop poking Little Christina with the pigtails who sits next to you with your #2 pencil and pay closer attention to the teacher. Yeah. Ok? Good. You see, Mrs. Skanky-Bottoms asked that simply just draw a peanut man…..not a peanut and a man. Although, way to think outside the box. And while I may not be French, I give you an A+ for the spelling of “peanut” because I’m almost certain that’s how you say it in French: “penute”…as in, “Pardon me, would you please pass me a handful of penutes?” Awesome. And seriously how psyched is that dude to be standing next to a life size peanut?! That’s quite possibly the biggest “thumbs up” in recorded history. It’s almost like this guy smashed his thumb under the life size peanut and is now showing us “Exhibit A.” And look how “cracky” his eyes are! I love it. You totally know this guy is all strung out on meth and is just standing next to a building, but to him it looks like a giant peanut. If there were another picture he’d be in a swimming pool, but would think he’s actually floating in a bowl full of jelly. P.S, nice work with the three “skid marks” above the peanut. Sometimes too much peanut butter does that to me too.
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!
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04
Kids Picture This: The One With My Dad’s Drawing
Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go…
While “Kids Picture This” has become one of the more popular segments here at IBBB, I still get a ton of crap emails form people thinking that I’m being mean. Lighten up, it’s funny. And, to prove it, I would like to start with a drawing that my father drew and entered into a Catholic school contest over 50 years ago. I’m not joking, he found this, scanned it, and emailed it to me. Enjoy!
Picture # 1 – Seeing how my dad viewed Jesus carrying the cross many years ago brings a smile to my face. I actually thought this drawing was really good, until he pointed out the humor in his drawing after looking at it 50+ years later. So, while the Bible always made me think that this took place in the Middle East, apparently my dad was under the assumption that Jesus and the guards were all Asian. That, possibly, could explain the height. Also, I’m not quite sure why one of the guards has Bettlejuice’s head and the other guard looks like Rocky Dennis from “Mask.” I’m waiting for Cher to pop out from the corner and tell him that he’s just as good as everyone else. I also wasn’t aware that the guards had chicken gizzards on top of their helmets or why Jesus is wearing Mrs. Roper’s bathrobe, but evidently my dad knows this for sure. I believe him. I mean, he was “in the know” enough to draw one of the guards giving the other guard the finger. You know what? I would too. Those guys were bastards. I mean, not only are they making Jesus carry that heavy cross, but (for some reason) Jesus, in this picture, has the actual sun sitting on his head. Well, it’s either the sun or the Walmart logo and my dad was years ahead of his time.
Picture # 2 – Hey everyone! It’s the penis family! What a concept. Every member of the family, both male and female, have a penis. I guess that helps take care of the “keeping the toilet seat down” problem that has plagued generations. And what luck, because some of the family members not only have penises but also have penis shaped heads. Now I won’t pretend to have any form of idea what their names are. No clue. I don’t know who “Jo Purple” is, or who Rudh (standing next to Jo Purple) is, or why Kgate has wings, or why Cattherien has a penis that also doubles as a snake. I mean I could try to come up with some possible theories, but I’m sure I’d be wrong. What a sad family, especially Jo Purple, who ironically is actually purple, is missing both of his/her feet. And I guess I feel a little sad for Cattherien too since she, you know, also plays the role of the family fire hydrant. Well, I guess with all those penis’ people need a place to go. The fire hydrant makes the most sense.
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!
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25
Kids Picture This: Absolutely No Idea
Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.” The concept is simple. I find kids drawings. I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it? Let’s go…
Picture # 1 – What ever happened to drawing pictures of the sun or maybe even a feisty snowman? Apparently those days are gone and it’s all about divorce and stabbing trees. When I first saw this picture I was actually in agreement with “Little Annie” because I was thinking, “You know what? I hate Devo too!” Ugh. Then I realized that Little Annie was too busy stabbing a tree with an 18th Century sword to have the time to learn how to spell “divorce.” Life for her must be really tough as she typically sees Valentine’s hearts in the middle of tree that looks like it’s being electrocuted. Why the hell is she dressed as a painter? And why is her hair yellow? Maybe her parents are getting divorced because of this? I mean, no parent wants a kid who dressed as a painter and murders (literally) trees. In fact, I hear that 75% of divorces are actually the kids fault. Yeah, I was blown away by that statistic too. I mean, I made it up, but when I made it up I was like, “Wow, that’s a lot.”
Picture # 2 – Well, well, well. What do we have here? No really. Tell me. What in the hell am I looking at. I need a little guidance with this one. The drawing, surprisingly, isn’t too bad. I mean, sure this dude is wearing a purple hat with a red feather, Tony the Tiger as a cape, ladies boots, and is clearly dealing with “arousal” in his lime green pants, but that’s all par for the course. Nothing we can’t deal with. I can’t, however, figure out what the hell is going on. Why is he yelling, “That’s My Mixture!” and why is said “mixture” yelling back, “Bark!” I don’t need a psychologist explain to me that Little Jimmy’s mom smoked, drank, tanned, and did scratch tickets all while pregnant. And look at the “T” in “mixture.” Is it just me or is it kinda giving me the finger? If I were the teacher I would grade it with the same hidden meaning messaging that Little Jimmy is drawing. I’d say, “Jimmy, I give this art drawing a B- with 7 bowls of anti-Gonzo dolls and Shirley Temple meow meows!”
Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.” Have a drawing you’d like to share? Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly? Email them over to me!
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