More Mindless Stories on ‘kids picture this’

Kids Picture This: The Self Portrait

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – Enough with the demands, Little Sammy!  You keep it blue, I’m busy!  And not for nothing, but Lake Erie looks like a Caribbean puddle or like a Smurf “went to town” all over the place.  I’ll just assume it’s blue.  Lake Erie is in the United States and, therefore, wouldn’t be blue.  Ugh.  So dumb.  You’re probably the same kid that makes raindrops and tears blue, aren’t you?  I asked you a question, answer me.  And way to be extra lazy too.  “Keep the Lake This Color.”  What color would that be?  I’m confused because you wrote that in orange marker so, uh, do you want us to keep this lake orange?  Like we’ll toss a few hundred thousand bags of Cheeto’s in there and see what happens?  I’m all for that.  Oh, you’re talking about the “blue” that is the lake.  I get it.  The arrow really helped me out with that.  Had the arrow not been there I would have not known where on the page the actual lake was so, well, thanks for that.  Now I don’t want to burst your bubble (which I’ll just assume you would color blue, as well), but uh that “62” that was written by an adult on your drawing…..yeah, that’s your grade…..out of 100.  Yeesh.  You ok?  62 out of 100.  Unless the scale as changed, that’s pretty much a D-.  D-.  You basically are just passing “Art” by the skin of your yellow baby teeth.  However I think I can help you.  Now, if you draw a few rounded lines under the “lake” and then write “Kohler” on it, I think we can convince your teacher that you just drew a toilet.  Ironically, that’s the only water in the United States that may be blue.  Also, speaking of toilets, that’s pretty much where your art career is heading so I’d switch to math of science or something.  Maybe puppetry?  Do they still offer that as course work?

Picture # 2 – Oh my poor little girl.  Yowza.  Tyra would have a field day with this.  Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a self portrait of Abigail.  Actually, I don’t know if that’s her name or if it really is “Abigeh.”  Something tells me it’s “Abigeh.”  Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Abigeh is apparently a sock puppet penis with a green nail going in and out of her head.  Seriously, this is what she sees when she looks in the mirror?  A sock puppet penis?  Yeah, when your drunken stepdad calls you a “dickhead” he doesn’t mean it literally.  Maybe he does.  I wasn’t there.  I don’t know his intentions.  And nice beaded necklace that you lovingly strapped around your shaft.  In about 15 years that’s going to take on a whole new meaning and if I were to explain that I’m pretty sure I’d have to register as a Level 2, possibly a Level 3 and, well, that’s not a gamble I’m willing to take just to educate you.  You know what I mean?  And why are you giving me the side-eye?  Is it because there’s a flying heart with wings coming after you?  Yeah you’re going to want to contact a clinical psychologist for that.  I won’t be able to help with that.  If that flying heart with wings starts talking to you, don’t be surprised if you wake up strapped to a bed and eating Jello out of a crazy straw.  Although, Abigeh, I am seeing good things for you in your future as you currently have newscaster hair and that is a highly coveted high paying job so, you know, start practicing reading from a teleprompter while you’re strapped to that bed.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: Let’s Play the Feud!

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – Seriously do we have a pollution problem that the rest of us don’t know about because it seems like that’s all that “the kids” are drawing about these days.  Although, I’m thinking that Little Suzie is getting a little confused between “pollution” and “vomit.”  I can help clear that up.  You see, pollution is undesirable state of the natural environment being contaminated with harmful substances as a consequence of human activities.  Vomit, on the other hand, is this drawing.  See the difference?  I’m also not sure why that sunflower is whipping a giant’s leather belt at that little green frog (??), but alas it is.  I also didn’t know that sunflowers could talk and say “Cooooof.”  Maybe that’s “sunflower talk” for “C-“  Who knows.  And why in the holy hell is Little Suzie saying that we should “vote for earth?”  Vote for earth for what?  American Idol?  Homecoming Queen?  Most Popular Girl?  And where do I send my vote?  And who is going to tally it?  It’s a little bias too, don’t you think?  Like is someone promoting Mars or Pluto?  What about Saturn for Christ sakes?  And what about Uranus?  What the hell about Uranus?!  What a sin.  That flower on the right, you know the one that’s dead, looks like it’s ready to give “mouth pleasure” to that smoke stack….or maybe it just has and that’s why it’s shooting “pollutants” into the air.  Yeah, pollutants.  That’s it.  Oh and “P.S” there are no blue and black stars in the sky unless, of course, it’s a sign of “end of days” which it probably is.  And can you quickly and directly explain to me why there are flowers in full bloom under the ground?  Nice try, Little Suzie.  Thanks to this drawing people are going to pollute even more. At least I am.

Picture # 2 – I think it’s comforting when the “Family Feud ‘X’” lets you know just exactly which member of your family will be taking the ultimate dirt nap.  That’s how I want to know when I’m about to die.  A giant red “X” will just appear over my body and the crowd will say, “Awwwww.”  Survey says……awwwww death.  That sucks.  The rest of the family, apparently, isn’t taking it well either.  The mother is forced to hold a little baby that’s about the exact size of a paperclip for the rest of eternity. Seriously her “blue tears” are going to drown it.  And why are the two little boys wearing no shirts and “Hammer” pants?  I mean this would make completely sense if the whole family broke out into a rendition of “Can’t Touch This” but that’s unlikely to happen because of, you know, the whole death situation that is apparently taking place at this moment.  Wait a second, maybe the father is being “X’d” out due to lack of Hammer pants?  Hmmm, now we may be onto something!  And the mother/daughter totally look like they’re part of  one of those Polygamist Sect sex cults and are forced to wear those highly flammable Easter color paper dresses.  All they’re missing is that “half fallen Snooki poof” and we’d be in business.  I have no idea where I’m even going with this.  Eh, B+ for trying.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: Let’s Put Down the Crayons and Pick Up a Dictionary

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – Ay yi yi.  You know what?  Let’s just make a new rule, Little Jimmy, if you can’t spell just don’t.  Don’t.  Just stick to drawing.  Actually, I’d reconsider that too.  Any chance you can swing a bat?  Because this may be your best bet as a “paying job” after you repeat 2nd grade six more times.  I’m not even kidding, I’m pretty sure this cryptic message to “Justin” is actually a message to the Taliban to start blowing sh*t up again.  In fact, I’m guessing they’ll be using that “truck” that Little Jimmy drew.  I mean, it makes sense as those tires are actually just rocks that the Taliban will throw at each other on a dirt road as they hide behind  broken down cars that are engulfed in flames while their 6 wives cover their faces, raise their hands to the sky, and cry in foreign tongues.  You know the scene.  Now let’s try to dissect this message. For some reason I’m going to need to you read this with a German accent.  I believe it reads:  “Dear Justin.  I like when you tuk us the hard.  It was fun dan, was ulot of chres from amFar.”  I have no idea.  I didn’t know where the last sentence ended or started for that matter.  All I know is that Justin apparently tuk’s them on the hard and, well, I’m going to need to report this to the authorities.  And let’s get back to that truck that is, most likely, being used as a missile.  Is Big Bird driving this truck filled with illegal immigrants across the Mexican border?  Did I just crack the case?  I think I just did.  Maybe the whole sentence about “tuk us on the hard” is really code for “tuck and roll once we hit the border and the dogs start chasing us.”  Does this make me a diplomat?  I believe it does.  I believe it does.

Picture # 2 – Another picture sent to me from an IBBB reader – Hey there Little Billy.  You doin’ good?  Yeah?  I bet you are.  I’m going to need you to do me a little favor though, ok?  Good.  Yeah, I’m going to need to your stop poking Little Christina with the pigtails who sits next to you with your #2 pencil and pay closer attention to the teacher.  Yeah.  Ok?  Good.  You see, Mrs. Skanky-Bottoms asked that simply just draw a peanut man…..not a peanut and a man.  Although, way to think outside the box.  And while I may not be French, I give you an A+ for the spelling of “peanut” because I’m almost certain that’s how you say it in French: “penute”…as in, “Pardon me, would you please pass me a handful of penutes?”  Awesome.  And seriously how psyched is that dude to be standing next to a life size peanut?!  That’s quite possibly the biggest “thumbs up” in recorded history.  It’s almost like this guy smashed his thumb under the life size peanut and is now showing us “Exhibit A.”  And look how “cracky” his eyes are!  I love it.  You totally know this guy is all strung out on meth and is just standing next to a building, but to him it looks like a giant peanut.  If there were another picture he’d be in a swimming pool, but would think he’s actually floating in a bowl full of jelly.  P.S, nice work with the three “skid marks” above the peanut.  Sometimes too much peanut butter does that to me too.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: The One With My Dad’s Drawing

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

While “Kids Picture This” has become one of the more popular segments here at IBBB, I still get a ton of crap emails form people thinking that I’m being mean.  Lighten up, it’s funny.  And, to prove it, I would like to start with a drawing that my father drew and entered into a Catholic school contest over 50 years ago.  I’m not joking, he found this, scanned it, and emailed it to me.  Enjoy!

Picture # 1 – Seeing how my dad viewed Jesus carrying the cross many years ago brings a smile to my face.  I actually thought this drawing was really good, until he pointed out the humor in his drawing after looking at it 50+ years later.  So, while the Bible always made me think that this took place in the Middle East, apparently my dad was under the assumption that Jesus and the guards were all Asian.  That, possibly, could explain the height.  Also, I’m not quite sure why one of the guards has Bettlejuice’s head and the other guard looks like Rocky Dennis from “Mask.”  I’m waiting for Cher to pop out from the corner and tell him that he’s just as good as everyone else.  I also wasn’t aware that the guards had chicken gizzards on top of their helmets or why Jesus is wearing Mrs. Roper’s bathrobe, but evidently my dad knows this for sure.  I believe him.  I mean, he was “in the know” enough to draw one of the guards giving the other guard the finger.  You know what?  I would too.  Those guys were bastards.  I mean, not only are they making Jesus carry that heavy cross, but (for some reason)  Jesus, in this picture, has the actual sun sitting on his head.  Well, it’s either the sun or the Walmart logo and my dad was years ahead of his time.

Picture # 2 – Hey everyone!  It’s the penis family!  What a concept.  Every member of the family, both male and female, have a penis.  I guess that helps take care of the “keeping the toilet seat down” problem that has plagued generations.  And what luck, because some of the family members not only have penises but also have penis shaped heads.  Now I won’t pretend to have any form of idea what their names are.  No clue.  I don’t know who “Jo Purple” is, or who Rudh (standing next to Jo Purple) is, or why Kgate has wings, or why Cattherien has a penis that also doubles as a snake.  I mean I could try to come up with some possible theories, but I’m sure I’d be wrong.  What a sad family, especially Jo Purple, who ironically is actually purple, is missing both of his/her feet.  And I guess I feel a little sad for Cattherien too since she, you know, also plays the role of the family fire hydrant.  Well, I guess with all those penis’ people need a place to go.  The fire hydrant makes the most sense.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: Absolutely No Idea

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – What ever happened to drawing pictures of the sun or maybe even a feisty snowman?  Apparently those days are gone and it’s all about divorce and stabbing trees.  When I first saw this picture I was actually in agreement with “Little Annie” because I was thinking, “You know what?  I hate Devo too!”  Ugh.  Then I realized that Little Annie was too busy stabbing a tree with an 18th Century sword to have the time to learn how to spell “divorce.”  Life for her must be really tough as she typically sees Valentine’s hearts in the middle of tree that looks like it’s being electrocuted.  Why the hell is she dressed as a painter?  And why is her hair yellow?  Maybe her parents are getting divorced because of this?  I mean, no parent wants a kid who dressed as a painter and murders (literally) trees.  In fact, I hear that 75% of divorces are actually the kids fault.  Yeah, I was blown away by that statistic too.  I mean, I made it up, but when I made it up I was like, “Wow, that’s a lot.”

Picture # 2 – Well, well, well.  What do we have here?  No really.  Tell me.  What in the hell am I looking at.  I need a little guidance with this one.  The drawing, surprisingly, isn’t too bad.  I mean, sure this dude is wearing a purple hat with a red feather, Tony the Tiger as a cape, ladies boots, and is clearly dealing with “arousal” in his lime green pants, but that’s all par for the course.  Nothing we can’t deal with.  I can’t, however, figure out what the hell is going on.  Why is he yelling, “That’s My Mixture!”  and why is said “mixture” yelling back, “Bark!”  I don’t need a psychologist explain to me that Little Jimmy’s mom smoked, drank, tanned, and did scratch tickets all while pregnant.  And look at the “T” in “mixture.”  Is it just me or is it kinda giving me the finger?  If I were the teacher I would grade it with the same hidden meaning messaging that Little Jimmy is drawing.  I’d say, “Jimmy, I give this art drawing a B- with 7 bowls of anti-Gonzo dolls and Shirley Temple meow meows!”

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

Facebook Me, It’s all The Rage.  Click Here!

Kids Picture This: The History Lesson

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – What the F do you, little Jimmy, see when you look up in the sky?  Because if that’s the “moon” that you see I going to have to have your parents take you to the therapist and have them have you point on the doll where someone touched you.  Since when is the moon flat….and have have red on it?  Does that moon have a blood clot because, well, that is the only explanation I can think of.  And, yeah, I haven’t been to a history class in a while but I’m almost positive that the astronauts were not naked when they landed on the moon.  Oh, and they weren’t Smurf’s either, but thanks for using your “sky blue” Crayola crayon in your box of 64.  Now I know you’re saying that Americans sent a spaceship to the moon and then landed on it, but can you please explain, in intricate detail, where the black dinosaur comes into play?  Did dinosaurs originate on the moon?  The answer to that, little Jimmy is “no, no they did not.”  I’m also not sure why said dinosaur is projectile vomiting, but I’ll just chalk it up to you being an only child and your parents telling you how great you are every single day.  I’m sure you always get a trophy even when you lose, is that right little Jimmy?  It is.  You can say it.  It is.  In closing, the moon looks like hell.  And I mean actual hell.  Like the place you go when you talk back to your parents or say the Lord’s name in vain.  I hope you’re comfortable with this because odds are that you’ll be spending quite a bit of eternity there.  I’m kidding.  You’ll be spending all of eternity there.

Picture # 2 – Disclaimer: This drawing was emailed to me and I was informed that this is supposed to be George Washington chopping down the cherry tree.  Continuing on.  Who knew our founding father, George Washington, loved to wear pink capri pants?  Certainly not me.  Although I did always hear the rumor that he would sit in the barbers chair and ask for “The Betty White” which apparently they nailed, as George has a yellowy-white tight perm.  Little “Susie” really went all out with this drawing.  I’m sure she drew herself into a coma.  I mean, great work with not coloring in the tree trunk, the leaves, the shirt, or the pants.  Oh and since when do shoes look like a “6″ and a backwards “6.”  Perhaps that was the style back then.  Ugh, and that tree is the pits. It looks as fake as the tree did during the opening ceremony in the Olympics this past week.  Other things that I can’t seem to get my mind around is why George Washington is trying to chop down this white cherry tree with a pink boomerang or, most importantly, why George Washington is dry-humping this tree.  I mean he’s really getting a firm grip on that trunk.  If this was like a flipbook, you’d see George going to absolute town on it.  Well at least he’s smiling and having, apparently, the time of his life.  Maybe it’s his new outfit?  One may never know.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: Soapbox Threats

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 -  Well isn’t this quite the interesting self portrait.  I’d like to use this child’s name but, apparently, they just wrote in a few of the letters that they knew.  Now I’ve never seen a Smurf with a combover like that before, but then again I’ve never seen a a robots erection coming out of its second ass that just happens to be directly next to its body.  Call me close minded.  Little Ms L’Banca (??) is clearly showing us what living through the nuclear holocaust will look like.  The sun turns into an exploding asshole and your feet are replaced with two short sticks so, well, good luck walking.  And looks like they really went all out with that rainbow.  I mean, they used over 2 colors.  Brick Red and just regular red.  What an imagination!  You better hope you’re good with Math and Science because any form of an artistic career isn’t happening.  And does their t-shirt say “smelly?”  That’s odd since this person, who is clearly catatonic, is missing their nose, but the detail in the teeth is exquisite.  I think I see over 4 teeth in that mouth.  I’m sure they’re from the south.  What?  Just sayin’.  Well, anyway, I hope that whole nuclear holocaust thing works out for you.  Now stop staring at me!

Picture # 2 – And the award for “girl most likely to be knocked up by 17″ goes to….Yasmine!  Good job sweetie.  I’m not sure you can hear me all the way up there on your soapbox.  You know what?  No one needs to hear your take on pollution.  Actually, scratch that.  We may need to hear it as I can barely read it.  Bubble letters?  Really?  And looks like you misjudged just how long your message was going to be, huh?  This is what the whole thing looks like to me:  “Pollurion 15 Like Fire Ir Kioo5 Pieasf Keep Earrl Cleo.”  Seriously it’s like a signal for the al qaeda to declare jihad again on the United States.  That’s it, I’m automatically adding your name to the “no fly” list.  Done and done.  And you know what?  Your message is just a bit dramatic.  Oh boo hoo.  Pollution is like fire, it kills.  Does it?  Sure, maybe over long stretches of time, but can you give me the names of the people who lost their houses to pollution?  Or can you give me the recipe for Smores that can made over a little bit pollution?  See what I mean there, Yasmine?  Ok?  You’re not going to scream and then have to stop, drop, and roll if you encounter a little pollution.  Now stop that this minute before your mom and dad give you up for adoption.  I mean, the economy still craps the bed and, well, you still piss the bed so it’s actually not looking too good for you.  Now run off to recess.  That’ll be all.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

Facebook Me, It’s all The Rage.  Click Here!

Kids Picture This: The Cops are Coming For You. Literally.

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Everyone pull their cars over to the right because the dildo-mobile is racing up the street to break up, what I can only assume is, an all male orgy.  This cast of characters is like a mix between the Village People and NYPD Blue.  The construction worker in the middle is clearly doing the YMCA whilst he craps out  stick of dynamite and the guys to the left of him are possibly doing the “Paso Doble.”  10!  It looks like the “Polices” are the guys who are wearing blue trucks without tires on their head.  And they all look real busy, especially the two Polices who are making out in the back of the dildo mobile and the one Polices who is humping either a street cone or a dunce hat on the trunk.  It’s a real toss up and only science can help us one day decipher this.  I don’t think it’s official Police procedure to hog tie a guy on the ground and then do sex to him in front of all the other Polices, but then again I’m not cop and I don’t know all of their rules.  I do, however, think it’s a nice change of pace for the Polices car to be so multicolored.  I mean, do you know how many times people get speeding tickets because a cop car is hidden on the side of the road?  Well apparently those days are gone because everyone is going to be able to see the lime green and bright blue exterior with new purple siren lights and matching hub cap party bus from about 10 miles away!  I’m also liking their new uniforms.  “Blue” is so 1900 – 2009.  2010 and beyond is all about a lime green purse (??) and red lipstick holder.  And, clearly, “Open Up” is the new “You have the right to remain silent.”  The future scares me.  A lot.

Picture # 2 – This is exactly what happens when you allow your kids to eat Fruity Pebbles.  Little Sandy, the Queen of All Colors, is so excited!  Perhaps it’s because, per usual, she’s taller than her house?  Perhaps it’s because she’s coming back from a comical visit at the cemetery that just happens to be in her front yard?  The sun seems pleased.  Perhaps it’s because she took a piss between the cemetery and her house and did it in front of the ghost that’s just about to greet her?  Maybe it’s because the letter “P” is holding her leg up?  Most likely, though, it’s because Little Sandy is a paranoid schizophrenic with a strong case of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and a side of turrets.  The teacher probably simply asked her to draw a picture of sunset and this is what Little Sandy came up with.  It’s kind of impressive that she got all of these things in one picture in the time given since I’m sure Little Sandy spends the majority of her time poking the boy sitting next to her with a freshly sharpened #2 pencil and snorting when she giggles all whilst asking the teacher if she can go to the bathroom 15 times in the hour.  Even when her desk is dragged out of the classroom and placed in the hallway, Little Sandy kept drawing her “sunset.”  She never gives up.  Even when she tries to run from the teacher, she keeps drawing…and stabbing people with pencils…and giggle snorting….and asking to go to the bathroom….all day….every day….for the second consecutive year in a row….because she repeated the 3rd grade….twice…..and most likely will again next year…..and the year after that…..until the teacher just passes her because she fears for her own life and sanity.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

Facebook Me, It’s all The Rage.  Click Here!

Kids Picture This: Drawing Friends, Destroying Lives

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go…

Picture # 1 – Get this crush off of me?  What does that even mean, Sally?  Mommy convinced her friends and herself that it was ok to drink 3 glasses of wine per day when she was pregnant, didn’t she?  Why does it look like Pig Pen is trying to get to 3rd base with this chick?  And why the hell is she bald on the top of her head, but not the sides?  Get that sh*t checked out by a doctor ASAP and see if he can fit you with some prosthetic feet while you’re at it because, clearly, you are missing those.  Other questions that come to mind hover around the fact that you and your friend are talking to each other with your mouths in perfect circles. There are no words in the English language that make your mouth form a perfect circle while saying them, except the word “ho” which I’ll assume you’re calling your friend since she’s letting you know that she’s coming.  Uh, that’s pretty personal you pig.  And how the F tall is the chick in the green dress? She’s about 98% legs, 1% upper body, and 1% head.  Technically she should be starring in her own reality show on the Discovery Channel or TLC.  By the way, no one has claws as hands.  Just sayin’.

Picture # 2 -  Little Jill is not happy.  Nope, not happy at all.  I mean, she could be pissed that her legs are covered in cuts (looks like step-daddy came home drunk again) or the fact that she is sans eye and her mouth has teeth all around it kinda like Sloth from Goonies.  It’s a tough call.  Either way, I’m not sure what world Little Jilly grew up in, but here on planet Earth, our shoes don’t have eyes and floppy dog-like ears.  And is she yelling out ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics to her friend or no?  Her friend who appears to be a blond mongoloid with a ginger side ponytail is still all smiles even though her big toe is shooting out her shoes and her crotch has, literally, been sewn up.  However, I do find it entertaining that even though they’re clearly having issues they still have found the time to perform the Single Ladies dance.  That’s true friendship.  P.S, nice Santa Claus cuffs and bow-tie on the friend because no one wears that.  Ever.  You don’t even see pictures of it.  Anywhere.  So basically your kid is a psycho and should be tested stat for homicidal tendencies.  Scratch that, this is the test and they are.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

Facebook Me, It’s all The Rage.  Click Here!

Kids Picture This: The Future (and your kid) is Ugly.

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go….

 

Picture # 1 -  Ugh.  Is there nothing worse than a kid with future plans?  Terrible.  Well, then there’s Sean and his future plans.  What I first assumed was a hospital bed placed on two red tomatoes apparently is his idea for a motor bike?  Sean, who writes like a future stalker, writes, “When I grow up I want to buy a motor bike and drive it on the road.”  Really?  The road?  Where else are you supposed to drive it?  The Coliseum?  Actually, you apparently think that your hospital bed on tomatoes is supposed to be driven directly up to the sky.  Yeah, that’s likely.  Just be careful to not smack your “motor bike” into that yellow “truck” that missing all its walls and has a black paperclip for headlights.  And blue wheels?  Really Sean?  When’s the last time you saw blue wheels?  Is this a truck of the future?  Well you better pray the world really does end in 2012 because your future looks like an acid-trip-nightmare.  And what the hell is a “motor bike” anyway?  You’re from England aren’t you?  I can just tell by the way you’re elegantly sitting on your “motor bike.”  At first I thought it was an ant-farm, but evidently this is what you think you look like.  Good luck affording that “motor bike” when you grow up, but I don’t think bagging groceries at the Stop-n-Shop is going to pay enough for you to purchase your “futuristic mode of transportation to the sky.”  Good luck and don’t forget to wear a helmet!

 

Picture # 2 -  Watch out, kids, for the basketball head that cries tears of blood from its mouth!  Little Billy’s mother clearly drank a 12-pack and smoked like a chimney while in her first and second trimester because I’m sensing a bit of the old brain damage.  Why this basketball is crying and wearing a florescent yellow Maxi Pad on his head is something I’m not quite able to comprehend.  Maybe the basketball head is crying tears of blood from its mouth because it’s teething?  And, of course, by “teething” I mean “sprouted what appear to be 210 teeth.  I stopped counting once I got sidetracked by the blue spider and the red bird (??) that seems to be carrying a saw in its mouth.  I can’t even begin to know what Little Billy’s dreams must be like.  I feel like it must consist of a lot of talking objects with wonky eyes and lots of teeth. And why it has one eye that is all bugged out like it’s on a meth binge is something I’m currently discussing with the proper authorities at Child Services.  Now is it the basketball head that “released its seed” in the right bottom corner of the drawing or would that be from the spider?  Something tells me that in a few years Little Billy is going to be taking a few of those to the face.  Oh and way to go all out with the nose, Billy.  Nothing like just drawing a crooked “J” and then just calling it a day.  We don’t want you to strain yourself after all.  And the last time I checked your eyebrows don’t grow directly into the eyeball itself.  Hopefully that flying bird-saw can shave off a little of that.  See you in prison!

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

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Kids Picture This: I’ll Take Future Terrorists, For $200.

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them. Sometimes I critic them. Get it?  Let’s go….

 

Picture # 1 – It’s really nice to try and save the environment, but you know what else is really nice too, little Lizzy?  How about paying attention in Spelling class.  “Plollute?”  Really?  You’re telling me “Don’t Plollute.”  Is that correct?  Now does “plolluting” consist of walking down a steep hill and cracking open a can of sh*t and pouring in the river?  I don’t know why you think it’s such a bad idea because you’re white fish seem to love it.  Oh, and white fish, little Lizzy?  Yeah, I bet everything in your “ideal world” is white.  Might as well get that pointy white robe and start calling yourself Grand Wizard now.  And what the hell is up with that golf bag/trash can?  Doesn’t look like there’s too much trash in there because I’m pretty sure that an ant is carrying it away.  I know, I know, you can’t keep an eye on your can-o-sh*t andthat golf bag because, clearly, you’re missing an eyeball and the other eye seems to be covered with some sort of patch.  Maybe some of the blindingly red hair dye your mom added to your hair has dripped into the old eyes and blinded you? I bet that was more of a “bad idea” than all that “plolutting,” am I right?  Ugh and go easy with the size of some of those letters. We’re not all blind like you.  Is that supposed to be a “T” at the end of the word “don’t” or is that the actual cross that they used on Jesus?  Anyway, Lizzy, assuming the ant doesn’t run away with that, good luck with your golf game…and spelling lessons.

Picture # 2 – Yay!  Hey boys and girls!  Look who it is!  It’s everyones favorite multiracial terrorist, “Chong the Flying Mexican Magician!”  Hooray!  Yay!  And look, boys and girls, he’s about to use his flying “stick” to make a direct attack on that blue building filled with candles!  Ooooo, aaaaaah, ohhhhhhh!  “Chong the Flying Mexican Magician” is also signaling other terrorist attacks thanks to his secret language that is hovering above his head.  Hmmm, maybe he’s just thinking it?  He’s soooo mysterious, you know, since he’s missing eyes and a nose, but he has extra dirty-sanchez to go around for everyone!  Hooray!  But “Chong the Flying Mexican Magician” better be careful because that grass looks really sharp.  I bet it could even slice his zappatos.  Ole!  I can barely wait for the sequel!

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

Facebook Me, It’s all The Rage.  Click Here!

Kids Picture This: Perhaps Something is Wrong at Home?

Time for another weekly segment of “Kids Picture This.”  The concept is simple.  I find kids drawings.  I then critique them.  Get it?  Let’s go….

 

 

Picture # 1 – Beep beep!  Here comes Mommy!  Gas up the red penis-mobile and strap a helmet on Daddy because he’s about get involved in a little family hit-and-run.  Hopefully is bright blue suitcase,  that’s a little more than half the size of the car, will take the brunt of the hit.  I think that little Sally who drew this picture is extremely innovative as the penis-mobile is apparently flying.  Also, I’d love to live in her world where people have chicken legs/feet as arms.  I also admire how accepting her world is where her dad can get away with a lime green mini skirt.  Maybe that’s why mom is so mad….and driving with one arm behind her head.  It’s probably so she can run over her husband and slap her kids in the back seat all at the same time.  She’s efficient like that.  Why her dad is wearing red lipstick like Christina Aguilera and her mom isn’t is a whole other story for another time.  I’m still trying to figure out why an “M” and a “W” is falling out of the sky.  Beep, beep! Next stop, DSS!

 

 

Picture # 2 – Ever wonder when the precise moment takes place that paves the way for your daughter to one day become a stripper?  Well. I found it.  When she graduated from her Highlights Magazine finding the toaster in the tree to drawing someone hanging from the tree….you’ve discovered the “stripper gene” is about to kick in.  If this is little Cindy’s idea of a festive homemade Christmas card, she’s missing some lights and snowflakes.  Although, the clouds and sun seem to be declaring  Jihad on her backyard so maybe there’s no drawing space for snow and/or Christmas lights.  Now is the person inside the house crying because someone is hanging from the tree or because they’re as tall as the second floor of the house and 3 times the size of the front door?  I mean, I’d cry over any of those scenarios, but the heart that’s floating in the sky would likely cheer me up.  It’s a real crapshoot in that backyard so one may never know.  I’m hoping that once a child draws something like this, their teacher sends this to someone, legit, who can analyze this to see if they have a lofty imagination or if their next step is picking up roadkill, naming it, and bringing it to Christmas dinner.  It’s a fine line.  A fine line.  P.S, not to nitpick, but the tree is technically floating and the grass is growing a little thin.  Needs some more seeds and watering.  Just sayin’, maybe you should have spent more time on that than the delicate features of the rope.

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!

Facebook Me, It’s all The Rage.  Click Here!

Kids Picture This

Spinoff time!  What better way to alienate more people than to take a peek into the artistic ability of children and then comment on what they drew!  I’m as excited as a tween getting their braces off.  So, ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud to introduce to you a new weekly segment I like to call “Kids Picture This.” Lets see how this goes.

 

Picture # 1 – Sound the alarm because apparently at little Jordin’s house someone has initiated a nuclear holocaust.  I’m having seizures just looking at this picture.  I’m also angry as all hell thanks to her murderous use of red all over, what I can only assume is, her “house.”  Her mom and dad must have lost their jobs and the bank is probably foreclosing on their house because there are giant “x’s” over the front door and some of the windows.  Luckily, to the right of the house, the cow and giraffe (?) who have about 16 extra chromosomes are as pleased as punch to not be catching fire like the rest of the house.  Everybody wins!  I’m in the process of calling DSS since little Jordin drew a sign to the left of the front door titled “RAGE.”  I’m sure someone is getting the bag beaten out of them in their “house of fire.”  I’m also not sure what’s wrong with the sun either or why it looks like Marge Simpson’s asshole.  To the left of the house, it appears that Jordin has drawn her family’s “concentration camp” that they’ve installed in the side yard.  I have no clue what’s inside there.  Looks like a street-light to me.  Fail.  Finally, obviously this photo (that I’m sure will be analyzed by psychiatrists to help determine who will become serial killers and who will become rapists) is supposed to convince someone to “Save Our Air” and “Save Our Animals.”  Really, Jordin?  Must be nice in your town. You wanna know what we wanna save in my town?  Jobs.  You wanna know what else?  Feet.  Yes, feet.  The diabetic lady up the street who lost her job and her health insurance is about 14 hours away from getting her foot turned into a stump.  Nice drawing.  I hope you’re a better dancer.  Future planning.  Just sayin’.

 

 

Picture # 2 – Hey good news everybody!  Looks like little Brian has discoverd  a way to help prevent chemical terrorist attacks in New York City!  Give the buildings wings!  Phew!  Problem solved!  When a chemical attack turns into a cloud over our great city, that Brian has kindly pointed out with arrows (as if we couldn’t see this huge blob that covers half the page) not only should the buildings be given wings but we should also try and reason with the terrorists by saying things like “This is not good foor us” and “stop it!”  Wait, it’s not good for us?  But you drew so many arrows I assumed it was.  Thanks for clearing that up.  Oh and I’m not sure what part of NYC Brian lives, but I’ve yet to find the groups of buildings, that are caved in and ready to collapse, that sit directly on green grass and are all missing front doors.  And nice job putting in the effort to color in those buildings.  Looks like you used brown on about 2 of the squares at the top and then just scribbled in the rest.  You must live in the penthouse.  I feel bad for the people who live in the parts of the building that are missing windows or have windows that aren’t even technically a shape.  I, or course, feel the most bad for the people who have to live under that black cloud. Anyway, thanks Brian for your help on protecting the rest of us.  Remember, if you see something, draw something.

 

Well that concludes a touching segment of “Kids Picture This.”  Have a drawing you’d like to share?  Want to throw your own kids under the bus for a little light-hearted critique by yours truly?  Email them over to me!