Stop Blaming Kelly Cutrone for Hiring Her Interns or I’m Pretty Sure She’ll Shank You

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Do not, and I repeat do not, even think about sending Blessed Mother Kelly Cutrone any form of hate mail blaming her for hiring the interns that she yelled at in this weeks episode of “Kell on Earth.”  Beyond loving most things about Kiki Cutrone, one of the best things about her is that she goes against the grain of what everyone else does.  For example, on the Bravo website, most “reality stars” blog things about their life and recap the episode, etc.  They plug things they’re working on and promote every aspect of their life.  Well, not Kell.  Nope.  She just wrote a quick blog basically just yelling and, well, it was brilliant.  Here it is:

“I do not employ these people in the intern room and I do not want to receive one more e-mail about my hiring skills because I am actually trying to help these people, so-called interns who want a job in fashion. The bad news is their uber-rich parents think they are thriving as they move toward their Communications degree, but the reality of it on reality TV is that they cannot spell financial and they cannot put tissue paper in a bag or put a label on a parcel – what the Kell am I supposed to do?

As I have never majored in business, I resort to toddler-care tactics and pagan prayers by giving the interns a time-out, sending them onto the streets of New York as I light sacred seven sisters healing stones I purchased from my last pow-wow.”

I mean, come on, how do you not love that?  I said it before and I’ll say it again (and again, and again, and again) I want to split a 30 pack with Kelly, talk about life, and then just have her repeatedly kick me in the nuts all whilst yelling at me.  Is that too much to ask?  Geesh.  Remember how Kiki said in this weeks episode that she thinks people should have to pay her $10,000 to work and learn from her?  Well, I’ll pay that to drink with her.  I’ll be starting a fundraiser tomorrow.

Kell on Earth Recap: If You Have to Cry, Go Outside. I’m Heading Outside.

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Oh where to begin.  Did I watch Kell on Earth?  Sure.  Did Kelly Cutrone make me laugh every now and then.  You know it.  Should I stop typing these sentences where I’m asking questions?  Probably.  However, I must admit that I was a little disappointed in the first episode.  And by that I really mean that it’s not a trashy reality show where I can make fun of everything.  If you were hoping for constant one liners like Kelly delivers in The City, you probably will be a little let down.  But if you’re interested in seeing what the fashion world is really like, you’ll probably be psyched.  I fall into the category of “not psyched.”

We kick things off at a company meeting at Pubic Revolution where Kiki Cutrone takes a moment to plug her book, “If You Have to Cry Go Outside.”  As I love selling out, I am pleased that Kelly does as well.  Words of wisdom at the meeting include, “we’re not mean, but we’ll say mean things to you….so if you have a bad day and have been knocked around, the best thing to do is to just come back tomorrow.”

Why does their office look completely different than when we saw it during “The City?”  Wasn’t there one episode where Kelly’s office was up in the attic?  I’m confused.  Anyway, it’s Fashion Week and everyone is losing their sh*t.  The person I’ve voted “Most Likely To Perform Murder-Suicide in the Office” goes to Stefanie Skinner.  Stef used to be Kiki’s assistant, but is now a junior account executive.  Apparently her duties include “doing everything” and then “doing everything else” and then “getting yelled at when “everything” isn’t 100% done.  Stefy-poo spends countless minutes rubbing her face and looking like she’ll burst into tears in a moments notice.

As crazy busy as they are, Kelly finds the time to help her new assistant, Andrew M, find a sexual partner.  This includes looking out the window and pointing people out.  Andrew M kinda looks like that kid in high-school that may or may not have shot the place up, but in the end we learn that he’s a nice kid. I mean he borderline looks like the guy from “Ghost” who yelled “Get off my train!!!!!” but we won’t hold that against him.

Who knew that Kiki Cutrone was friends with Ashley Dupre?  I guess Kiko was fired from a fashion show for seating Ashley (the call girl) in the front row.  Kel didn’t think it was a big deal as she ponders what a hooker actually is.  She thinks technically everyone is a hooker and, well, I guess she’s right.  I mean, I’m not going to argue with her.

So here’s why I feel like I’m not going to be able to recap this show.  I don’t understand it.  I don’t know any of these designers and I don’t know any of these buzzwords they’re using.  All I know is that it’s like watching an episode of Intervention because my heart is racing the whole time and I don’t know what to do next.  So I guess we’re at a fashion show by some guy from Spain?  Everyone is dressed like green after dinner mints.  Kelly kicks out a photographer who is taking pictures of the girls getting dressed and undressed which she instructed everyone not to do.  She later makes up with him, but if only he can get a nice group photo and put it on his website.  Huh?  I’m confused.

Suddenly when I couldn’t become any more confused, enter Andrew S.  No joke, sub-titles please.  Does he have an over bite?  Does he have an under-bite?  Is he slurring his words?  One may never know.  Apparently Andrew S used to be a big hair stylist in LA and gave it all up to have Kelly Cutrone kick him in the nuts 5 days a week.  Andrew, who could potentially be cast in the next season of Jersey Shore for his tan alone, tries to give Stef some pills to relax which is cool to do on camera…I guess.

Later we learn that everyone basically lives in the building they work in.  Kelly lives on the 4th floor, and works on the 2nd and 3rd floor.  One of the other chicks (Robyn?) lives on the 5th floor.  Nightmare.  Although it works out for Kelly as her 7 year old daughter gets to spend a ton of time with her.  Seeing Kelly as a mom is pretty entertaining, although I wish her daughter, Ava, would yell things like “shut the F up” and other trash-mouth curses.  She doesn’t, however.  She seems very well rounded and mature for her age.  High five to Kiko.

In the end, everyone is losing their mind because the seating chart and RSVP list (is that the same thing?  I have no idea) won’t format correctly in order to be sent to the client.  Poor Stef looks like she’s ready to flip the table over and take a 4 story jump out of the office window.  Andrew looks like he’s ready to tell someone to get off his train and Kelly appears to be ready to make everyone put on purple jogging suits and black Nike sneakers, drink some poisoned Kool-Aid, and get ready to take a magical ride on a spaceship.

Will the client get the list in time?  We don’t know as they’ve decided to do the old “Who’s The Boss” cliffhanger.  Tune in next week to find out.

Ok, so here’s the deal.  I’m going to have to get creative on how to recap this moving forward because this is the worst one I’ve ever done.  Ever.  Even I hate it and I think everything I do is brilliant.  I blame the show for not being trashy enough.  Boooo.

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Can’t “Kell on Earth” Just Start Already?!

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I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been talking about Kell on Earth for 2 decades or if it’s just my unhealthy obsession with all thing Kiko Cutrone, but why can’t the show just start already?!  Bravo (who also won’t hire me) has posted another 2 minute teaser which is filled with lots of F-bombs, eye rolls, yelling, and even my little Kelly Cutrone dressed as an old-school Indian.  Yes, I said Indian.  You can call it a Native American, but I’m not going to and you can’t really make me.  Anycrap, in this clip Kelly talks about the fashion world being at war, yells at a bunch of interns, and we’re introduced to some of the other cast members that Kelly has given nicknames to like “Snow White With Razor Blades.”  Brilliant.  There is even a touching moment with her daughter, Ava, and, well, if Kelly would consider managing my blogging career and publicity I would, in turn, be her daughters new dad.  Just putting it out there.

Check out the clip below.  This show better be worth recapping or I’m quitting the blog. I kid.  I would never do that…..again……unless something better came along…..then I’d just hire someone to blog and impersonate me and my writing.  Perhaps a 4th grader.  I’ll decide then.

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“Kell on Earth” Commercial Preview Video. Grab Your Popcorn and Privates Because Kelly Is In Charge!

Did I mention that my future boss, Kelly Cutrone, has her own show coming out called “Kell on Earth?”  Oh, I did?  Oh. Well here’s a nice sneak peek of you can may be able to expect from the show that airs on Feb 1st.  I’m glad that it’s starting in February as this increases my chances of Kelly being my Valentine this year.  Well, it either increases the chances of Kelly being my Valentine or officially filing the restraining order paperwork.  Whichever comes first.

Cartoon Cutrone: IBBB's Animated Daydream With Kelly Cutrone

For me, this is my own personal “Kell on Earth.”  See how fun I would be if I were part of the show!

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THE END!

Thoughts?  Besides me being clinically insane….more cartoons or less?

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So is Kelly Cutrone on a Meth Binge?

 

I may have mentioned once or thrice that not only do I want to knock over a 7-11 with Kelly Cutrone, but I also want to mug an albino midget with turrets with her and spoon until the cows come home.  Normal?  Sure. 

Anycrap, I found this gem of a clip of Kelly Cutrone at London Fashion Week and I’m almost certain she is in a meth-induced rage.  I’m obviously kidding, but am really hoping that’s what it is.  The clip is almost 7 minutes long so if you don’t have time to watch the whole thing, let me break it down into some high-level magical bullet points for you.  We learn from Kelly that….

  •  Disney steals you by the age of 2.
  • Kelly got married twice, then divorced, then got pregnant, then got white furniture.  Hmmph. Ok.
  • Kelly talks about Christianity and says, “Look at Mary.  She gets pregnant and she doesn’t even get to get f*cked.”  Ruh-roh!  Jesus Claus and Santa Christ aren’t going to like that one!
  • Kelly also talks about “Other fun advice, like how to use an anal probe.”  Kelly says she’ll be the one to tell you because “mom” is not going to tell you which are the best ones.  Oh that Kel.  So helpful.  Such a pistol.
  • We learn that Kelly is 43, she wears no make-up, wears no make-up on television, and is mean on TV, but wants to help “these girls” out.
  • There are 4 things that Kelly really does want to do: (1) Teach young woman because she loves them. (2) Use everyone she knows to raise money for people who need it. (3) Get 15,000 people to carry white flags in Central Park to represent the 15,000 homeless kids that live in New York City. (4) Go to India to teach young women how to sew.
  • Perhaps the best thing that Kelly talks about is replacing Fashion Week by having people spend that same amount of time and energy doing things that actually matter in the world.

Kelly may get a lot of crap on TV, but you have to admit she is pretty genius and down to earth.  I would like to be the offical blogger of Kelly Cutrone.  Someone make that happen.

Our pal, Kel, will soon be appearing in her very own reality show,  “Kell on Earth” sometime soon, but most importantly she will have a new book out in March 2010 titled, “If You Have to Cry, Go Outside.”  Seriously, I think I just did Shasta McNasty in my pants, I was so excited.  I’m sure her follow up book will be something titled, “If You Have to Put Out Your Cigarette, Do It on My Forehead.”  Here’s to hoping.

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Kell on Earth. Can't Top That. Just Can't.

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And on the 7th day, God rested.  And then on the 8th day, He woke up and created Kelly Cutrone.  I bet you guys didn’t know that whole “8th day” thing was in part two of the Bible, which I believe was called, “The Bible Part II: Electric Boogaloo.”  Anywednesdayadamslookalike, my prayers have been answered because The Hills’ own Kelly Cutrone has been given her very own reality show that will premiere on Bravo. 

Now, I don’t want to say she’s getting  her own show because of my constant prayers, letter writing campaigns, and blog posts, but I kinda think it’s because of my constant prayers, letter writing campaigns, and blog posts.  Kelly’s new show will be called, “Kell on Earth,” which I think is pretty fitting considering I created the above Cutrone image months ago for a Hills recap. 

“Kell on Earth” will follow Kelly Cutrone running her company, Pubic Revolution, and balancing being a single mother.  How she’s not married is beyond me. 

As a certified tool bag (CTB) I will, of course, be recapping the absolute urine out of this show.  Stay tuned.

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