Seriously, what a mess! I mean, how drunk is Suri!? Tom Cruise may be all over the place promoting the ever loving piss out of his new movie, “Hitler Was Just Misunderstood” but he should be tackling some family issues, stat. These family issues are, of course, Suri being a fall down drunk. Look at her! She’s so trashed she has to be carried out of Katie Holmes play, “All My Sons.” And did you ever notice how Suri seems to slur all of her words all of the time? Even Katie is forced to carry Suri’s brown paper bag of wine. Someone get Suri the help she needs and get her the help now! Is there a height restriction to checking into Promises Rehab?

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Ok I’ll give you a hint. This is Tom Cruise, the actor, and Katie Holmes, the actress. Ok that’s all the clues I’m giving. Now, you need to guess which of these people is Tom and which is Katie. Don’t let the open toe shoes fool you. Don’t let ‘em fool you.

Tom and Kitty-Kat-Katie sported matching haircuts and “sports-coats” as they left Katie’s rehearsal in NYC over the weekend and then stopped for a bite to eat. Speaking of bites to eat, I stopped for a bite to eat while I was in Boston this weekend. It was good. Thanks for asking.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were all awkward poses at the LA premiere of “Tropic Thunder.” Wasn’t Katie just in NYC the other day with Suri Claus? How did she get to LA so quickly? She must have access to some type of machine that gets you from one side of the country to the other. Those tricky Scientologists! They’re relentless with travel!

Seriously? Why won’t Katie ever show her busted teeth when someone takes a picture of her? She must be on the Olsen plan of smiling. I don’t mean to keep saying it, but isn’t Katie like 27 years old? She looks like she’s in her late 30’s early 40’s. I mean she looks good, well, good in a way like your aunt looks good when she goes to a wedding, but good nonetheless. She also looks like she’s on enough tranquilizers to stop a charging elephant.

Could there be anything less boring that Katie Holmes in the park? Katie, or as I like to call her “A Fancier Samantha Ronson,” has almost completed her transformation into a 14 year old boy. She’s wearing a stretched out pocket t-shirt and her new trademark tight-rolled jeans or “Denim Douche-Bag” as I will now refer to them as. Oh, and her button fly is unbuttoned. Tom is going to pitch a fit is her penis falls out and is exposed to the paparazzi.

Anyway, Katie bores me to tears which is why I hardly ever discuss her on IBBB, but when I saw this photo of her and Suri (blargh) at a NYC park yesterday I cracked a crooked smile when I noticed the poor old dude in the right corner of the picture. This guy probably just wanted to go to the park with his draining wife and screaming kid and he gets photographed holding his wifes purse and his kids doll. The look on his face is priceless. I’m sure his buddies at the city dump will be beaming with pride when they see these photos.