More Mindless Stories on ‘jersey shore cast’
07
Snooki Lands in South Beach. Welcome to Miami, Bienvenguido a Miami!
Refreshed with a stack of sombreros, Snooki is doing her best Speedy Gonzales impression in caliente South Beach, Miami. See what I’m doing with all the Spanish references? I may be over it already. Anygtl, Snooki Gonzales met up with her other cast-mates like JWoww ShamWow, who is slowly channeling Charo in that dress (coochie! coochie!), and Grandpa Situation (who is already a sweaty mess).
Now don’t be so distraught if you don’t see your other favorite Jersey Shore friends that you completely wax off your eyebrows and pencil them back in with a fine point Sharpie. They’re all there. You can see the back of Ronnie and the camera and forehead of Vinnie in the last photo (the odd eyebrows give him away). And Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Sammi SweatStains, and even the “not ready for primetime” player, Angelina, have all touched down in Miami too!
The amount of gel and waxing products that had to be divided up into 400 3 ounce bottles just to get on the plane must have been historic! Personally, I can’t wait to hear Snooki (on a constant loop) say “I’m in Miami, b*tch!” And you totally know that JWoww ShamWow will be trading in her drunken ham and water for some Churro’s y Chocolate and a “Shock Therapy” from Wet Willie’s. Yeah, it’s coming. Trust me.
24
Wanna Help St. Jude’s Hospital? Buy Pauly D’s Tanning Bed. Yeah, You Read That Right.
What would you do if I told you that you could help the children of St. Jude’s Hospital AND become a juiced-up-GTL-Guido all at the same time? I’m sure you’d say, “But IBBB! It can’t be so. How can I achieve all of my life’s goals in one quick shot?” Well, I’d reply back to you saying you were an overachiever, but then I’d also tell you about the charity work that Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D is doing.
According to reports that are useless to everyone except me, Pauly D will be auctioning off his prized tanning bed to the highest bidder (George Hamilton) to help raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. However, if you wanted to start looking like a burnt leather Oompa Loompa right now, you’re going to have to wait just a little bit longer. You see, Pauly D will auction off his tanning bed after the new season of Jersey Shore finishes filming.
In related news, JWoww will let you throw ham at her “gentlemen greeter” for $.25 a slice. Money raised will go towards buying more ham and additional jewels for her bedazzled jeans.
16
JWoww ShamWow Doing Anything BUT Dancing With a Combo Beaver/Seal is Just Plain Pointless
I can hardly wait until the new season of Jersey Shore starts up. To keep myself entertained I’ve been collecting dust bunnies from my apartment and gluing them together with 2 parts chewing gum to 3 parts sugar water and making an “instant poof” that I place on top of my TV so that I think I’m seeing Snooki standing in my apartment when I wake up at 4 in the morning to turn over and fall back to sleep. This is also a helpful tip as a way to increase the chances of dreaming of Snooki as well. I’m good like that.
Anycrap, this time we’re not talking about Snooki. We’re talking about JWoww ShamWow and how she was partying it up (sans alcohol) while at The Roosevelt Hotel in sunny/smoggy Los Angeles (that’s in California) over the weekend. She made sure to be rock-hard-rack to the wind while she danced in a bikini that may or may not have been made from the bedspread of a 1985 Boca Raton Howard Johnson’s.
My favorite part, however, is when even the Beaver/Seal mascot is looking at ShamWow like, “And what in the holy F is this supposed to be?” The answer to that would, of course, be: The Future of America. The Future of America.
12
Who The Hell is He Always Pointing At?!
Ugh. Why always the pointing with the fingers? Who do you see, Pauly? Just tell us for Christ sakes. Use your words, Pauly, use your words.
A lifelike Troll Doll, Pauly D from Jersey Shore, made a red carpet appearance in Vegas the other night to attend the premiere of “She’s Out of My League” which was held at Planet Hollywood. Are they really still building Planet Hollywood’s? If I really wanted to eat Demi Moore’s Cap’n Crunch chicken I’d fly to Los Angeles and dig through her trash like every other self respecting American.
In other Jersey Shore news, apparently the Douche Bag Brigade is not allowed (per legal contract) by MTV to drink alcohol while making any appearances until they start filming the new season of Jersey Shore in Miami. At first I thought this was ridiculous, but then I realized it’s brilliant. It’s simply math, actually. Lowering Their Alcohol Tolerance For the Next 2 Weeks + Binge Drinking During Day 1 of Filming = Assault, Battery, and Probably Homicide.
10
Snooki’s Boyfriend Wants to Put Her on a Diet. I Say Lose the “Freakin’ Poof” and Automatically Drop 15 Pounds.
Honestly, all I see if a floating head. The Rhea Perlman of our generation, Snooki Polizzi, and her boyfriend, Emilio Masella, are officially in love and probably will be until the new season of Jersey Shore starts filming. Snooki’s boyfriend told People, “We both started feeling it at the same time.” I assume he’s referring to the burning sensation in their crotches, but I digest. He continued, “I’m trying to train her, but she’s always on the road. I wrote up a diet for her. I’m trying to get her to start dieting and start training.”
First off she’s probably “always on the road” because she’s giving road head…and I’m sure that will help her burn some extra calories. I mean the poof on her head must be like a 15 pound weight anyway. And what “diet” did this douche write for her? And why would he publicly tell people this especially after Snooki discussed her old eating disorder? Poor Snooki. Maybe just decrease the pickle intake to about 4 per day.
