More Mindless Stories on ‘jersey shore cast’
12
Who The Hell is He Always Pointing At?!
Ugh. Why always the pointing with the fingers? Who do you see, Pauly? Just tell us for Christ sakes. Use your words, Pauly, use your words.
A lifelike Troll Doll, Pauly D from Jersey Shore, made a red carpet appearance in Vegas the other night to attend the premiere of “She’s Out of My League” which was held at Planet Hollywood. Are they really still building Planet Hollywood’s? If I really wanted to eat Demi Moore’s Cap’n Crunch chicken I’d fly to Los Angeles and dig through her trash like every other self respecting American.
In other Jersey Shore news, apparently the Douche Bag Brigade is not allowed (per legal contract) by MTV to drink alcohol while making any appearances until they start filming the new season of Jersey Shore in Miami. At first I thought this was ridiculous, but then I realized it’s brilliant. It’s simply math, actually. Lowering Their Alcohol Tolerance For the Next 2 Weeks + Binge Drinking During Day 1 of Filming = Assault, Battery, and Probably Homicide.
10
Snooki’s Boyfriend Wants to Put Her on a Diet. I Say Lose the “Freakin’ Poof” and Automatically Drop 15 Pounds.
Honestly, all I see if a floating head. The Rhea Perlman of our generation, Snooki Polizzi, and her boyfriend, Emilio Masella, are officially in love and probably will be until the new season of Jersey Shore starts filming. Snooki’s boyfriend told People, “We both started feeling it at the same time.” I assume he’s referring to the burning sensation in their crotches, but I digest. He continued, “I’m trying to train her, but she’s always on the road. I wrote up a diet for her. I’m trying to get her to start dieting and start training.”
First off she’s probably “always on the road” because she’s giving road head…and I’m sure that will help her burn some extra calories. I mean the poof on her head must be like a 15 pound weight anyway. And what “diet” did this douche write for her? And why would he publicly tell people this especially after Snooki discussed her old eating disorder? Poor Snooki. Maybe just decrease the pickle intake to about 4 per day.
05
Jersey Shore Cast Go “Jaywalking” on Jay Leno….Again.
I know this is 2 days old, but I can’t get enough. The D-Bag Brigade that is the cast of the Jersey Shore showed up on the Tonight Show again to try their tanned hands at a little Jaywalking. As always, my iced coffee straw could get more answers right than this crew, but, as always, their stupidity puts a smile on my wretched face. My favorite topic is when everyone tries to decide who becomes President of the United States if the existing President and Vice President die. Sammi SweatStains actually says, “Um, the wife? Or somebody who knows a guy?” Ding ding ding! You’re wrong, but you’re still getting paid more than me for simply being an ignorant douche bag!
I also laughed when JWoww ShamWow thought that Kim Jung Il was Jackie Chan. Oh that JWoww! Class act til the end.
I’m dumber for watching, but happier. Dumber, but happier. Happier.
03
Why Did They All Turn Into Fran Drescher?
Well Harper’s Bazaar just fell into the dumpster and hit every female cast member of Jersey Shore on the way down. First of all, why is that the way “Bazaar” is spelled? Is that the correct way? I don’t get it. Eh, I’m not checking. Second, according to detective work that may have been done by a 4th grader, Snooki, JWoww ShamWow, and Sammi SweatStains all got an un-needed makeover for the magazine. Why does everyone keep making them over? If I wanted to see girls from Jersey looking nice and tame I’d head to the convent. I want to see Snooki and crew looking like they all just got off the Bang Bus. And, if this photo is accurate, the “girls” all got turned into Fran Drescher which can be a good thing only 14% of the time.
JWoww ShamWow’s boobs look like they’re snacking on Snooki. Sammi SweatStains looks like she she’s pushing out #2, and Snooki looks like her “freakin’ poof” has been shellacked and she’s trying to “catch talent” in her hand. Either way, this is all good enough to get me through the downtime in between seasons.
25
Her Appearance Fee Can’t Be More Than $49.99, Right?
Looks like someone made their luggage garbage bags into a red carpet dress! Move over syphilis Martha Stewart because Angelina is coming up right behind you. Angelina Pivarnick (who knew she had a last name?) showed up to the Three-O Vodka launch party in New York City the other night. Three-O was out promoting their new vodka flavor and had I been invited to this event I would tell you what that flavor was. Maybe its fetus flavor. Maybe it’s road kill flavor. One may never know.
Angelina, as you know, may be taking part in the 2nd season of Jersey Shore. MTV has her on hold (similar to a 5150 on Britney Spears) and if they feel the need to use/exploit her they will and she will be more than willing to do so.
24
Jersey Shore Cast on The View. I Feel Like Whoopi is Even Mad at Me for Watching.
It’s the dream just won’t end. The cast of The Jersey Shore stopped by The View yesterday to chat with the ladies who all seemed like they were pissed off just because they all had to show up to work. However, Barbara wasn’t there for the interview, which is probably great for us because the thought of trying to decipher what Barbara Walters is saying vs. what Grandpa Situation is saying is, well, too much work than I’m willing to do.
Check out all your favorites field questions from the “ladies” like what is their 5 and 20 year plan (I think Snooki’s poof fizzled over the math alone), if Ronnie is really a racist, and does Pauly D/Ellen Travolta wash his hair every night. All riveting.
Is it just me or does listening to Grandpa Situation try to form a sentence want to make you stop what you’re doing and do about 15 minutes of flash cards with him?
22
The Jersey Shore Cast Hits Up the “Oregon Trail”
That’s right folks, it’s time to take another trip down the Oregon Trail and this time we’re enjoying our journey with the cast of Jersey Shore. I miss them, you miss them, and this is the only way I’m able to get through the downtime in between season 1 and season 2. So grab your oxen, your box (giggity) of bullets, and a few axle because JWoww ShamWow, Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Snooki (and her “freakin’ poof”), Sammi SweatStains, Vinny, and Ronnie are heading out west…on the Oregon Trail. Enjoy the trail, with journey narration by yours truly, IBBB. Yeeee Haw!
~ Well it’s a warm day in May and we’ve been in this covered wagon for about 20 minutes. All was going well, that is, until the humidity mixed with 27 cans of AquaNet and 54 bottles of Drakkar Noir caused a major fire. We should be grateful, however, that this wagon is cramped because the height of Snooki’s poof blocked the flames from hitting Grandpa Sitch, JWoww ShamWow, and Sammi SweatStains in the face. The bad news is that we lost 3 tongues, but JWoww promised to let us use hers as much as we needed. Seems safe.
~ It was time to cross the river and we only lost 1 day due to a stick in the mud (aka Sammi SweatStains). You know what, though? She is the sweetest bitch I’ve ever met. We’re all playing “Fist Pumps, Gel Tubes, Clippers” (similar to Rock, Paper, Scissors) to see who’s going to help pull Sammi out of the water. Her Fred Flintstone toe acting like an anchor right now, so we just may leave her.
~ Finally! We have some good news! While Grandpa Situation was trying to find some creatures to bang in the wilderness, he found an abandon wagon. At first we thought we could use it for tanning, but soon realized that it was stocked with some sick supplies that we needed. We found a couple of Ed Hardy Hats and T-Shirts and while we have say for political reasons that we found “bullets” we really found a grenade. Aww, I’m missing the old grenade already!
~ Crickets, crickets, crickets. Geesh, I guess I figured out what finally kept this crew of D-bags quiet. It’s a little something called a “thunderstorm.” They can’t tan and they’re all afraid of getting their hair wet, so they’ve just slept inside the entire day. It’s no surprise that all the girls fart in their sleep. Oddly enough, when Snooki farts her poof giggles. I’m starting to like it here.
~ Ed Hardy came out of the blue and went right back into it. In the middle of the night a thief came and stole our Ed Hardy Hats and Ed Hardy T-Shirts. Ronnie quickly jumped out of the wagon, thinking he was on the Boardwalk again, and started charging at the thief and slurring, “Come at me, bro. Come at me!” The thief didn’t say much, but we’re pretty sure it was actually Angelina (the “Kim Kardashian” of the Oregon Trail) because “the thief” put all of our stuff in large trash bags and then left. As a side note, how awesome is it actually says, “Press return to size up the situation.” Brilliant.
~ Ronnie has these bumps all over his body. Well, it’s mainly his privates. However, we just told him it was the “Measles” but if it’s one thing that Sammi SweatStains can identify it’s red bumps and, well, we can all guess what Ronnie is dealing with. As always Sammi is making this about herself and is currently “traumatized.” Hopefully since it’s only 1848 you can actually die from being traumatized. Fingers crossed.
~ Not to be outdone by Ronnie, Grandpa Situation is claiming he has a fever. Personally I think it’s just a cover-up for the burn he got in the tanning bed (that we found in the woods). Either way, I told Grandpa Sitch that the only thing that can cure his fever is more cowbell. He, of course, didn’t get it. As I explained it was on SNL, it further stumped them as they thought “SNL” stood for “Snooki Needs Love” which, ironically enough, she does.
~ We’re running pretty low on food. Who knew this troop could eat so much carcass? I mean I knew JWoww and Snooki wore carcass on their heads, but wasn’t in the know that they would actually eat it. Anywax, we all nominated Snooki to go out and hunt us down some food. She killed us 1 deer, 1 can of AquaNet, and two pickles. She ate all of it and used the entire can before she got back to the wagon. Also, similar to an actual episode of Jersey Shore, Vinny is nowhere to be seen.
~ Well this is a little awkward. Ronnie died, you guys. It was either the measles that finally got to him or “karma.” Regardless, it’s still rumored on the trail to this day that if you’re quiet enough at night you can actually hear Ronnie whispering to God (as he passed on) “Come at me, bro” and you know what? God did. God came at him, bro. God also took Ronnie out of the equation. God has a real good sense of humor, especially on “the trail.”
~ Where in the hell were they storing that hot tub in this wagon? JWoww ShamWow’s rack must have blocked my view of it. Poor Sitch. He has dysentery. We’re all pretty certain that he caught dysentery from the hot tub, although we all had a good laugh as Snooki thought we said “The Situation is on Dynasty.” Oh Snooki. She’s so legally dead in 48 states.
~ Sickness is going in an out of this wagon like JWoww at “da club” on a Saturday night. DJ Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has typhoid. Figures. We don’t know how she heard about it as there are no such thing as phones or email here on “the trail” but Danielle the Israeli Stalker caught wind of Pauly D being sick and she met up with us. She was even nice enough to make Pauly D a snow-globe that says, “I Love Jewish Girls.” She is relentless.
~ Waaaaah! After weeks of trying to figure out the duck phone, Snooki has finally become exhausted. She picks it up, says hello, and puts it down. She’s repeated that process for the past 15 hours. We’re trying to keep her awake by placing pickles under her nose as we heard they act as “smelling salts” to Snooki. The don’t. She just sucks them in her sleep….as similarly does JWoww.
~ Well. He tried to beat the beat and he lost. Pauly D is dead. Just when he was getting over his typhoid, he pushed it too far and hopped in the tanning bed for 45 minutes and, well, he burnt to a crisp. Danielle the Israeli Stalker immediately had the oxen run over her. Well, we kind of gave that her idea, but she went with it. We’re going to keep Pauly D in that tanning bed and years from now he will be known as a pioneer in the tanning industry.
~ Low on food again, Snooki grabbed her rifle and headed out to the woods to do a little hunting. Similar to the Jersey Shore, she was in the middle of a buffalo stampede and while thinking it was a hippo that was charging her, her rifle went off and she accidentally shot Vinny and Sammi SweatStains.
~ Boring day and now we broke our wagon tongue. No one knows what that means, so we’re just sitting here. JWoww is bedazzling her jeans and gluing white skunk stripes into her hair.
~ Snooki either said has cholera or chola eyebrows. It’s hard to understand her when she has a pickle in her mouth.
~ She’s not even safe out here on the Oregon Trail. Snooki ran into Brad Ferro who, in 1848, is actually just a head placed on top of a box of Summer’s Eve Douche. One thing led to another and he punched Snooki and broke her arm. Grandpa Situation is ducked down behind the oxen pretending he never saw this.
~ While we were trying to trade some crap for our newly broken axle, Grandpa Situation died. Ironically enough when this happened his abs jumped off of his dead body and began looking for hot young Indian girls in the woods to hook up with. Lucky for us, though, we ended up trading Grandpa’s carcass for that axle we needed. Funny how things work out.
~ Now this one really hurts me. Snooki has died. Snooki is dead. Snooki passed away. Why? Why????? Why do bad things always happen to abnormally short people!? Why God?! Why?!?! It was actually beautiful though when she passed, as her “freakin’ poof” ascended into Heaven. R.I.P Snooki. Waaaah.
~ We’re down to just one person left in this wagon. JWoww. She traded all that we had left for packages of ham. And now she has typhoid….just like DJ Pauly had. Hmmm, interesting….yet not so. It’s amazing how when push comes to shove JWoww ShamWow really has nothing to say. Hopefully the typhoid takes over her body soon.
~ Wow. That was fast. JWoww died. I’m not an animal so I made sure to bury her with her favorite yellow shirt that she wore in almost every episode of Jersey Shore. What was odd, was that her yellow top was actually on underneath her other shirt. It also had ring around the collar, but that’s another story. Goodbye JWoww. Or, as JWoww would say right after she would punch Sitch in the face, “Good night!”
Well, folks, that ends another trip down the Oregon Trail. I also take comfort in knowing how the entire cast would die and, well, it’s exactly how I imagined it.
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17
Grandpa Situation Got the Haircut That the Nuns Would Never Let Us Get
When I was in Catholic school in the 90’s, the nun would NEVER let any of us get the haircut that Grandpa Sitch is now sporting. No, I’m not talking about the gel’d spikes, I’m talking about the two (and sometimes three) shaved lines on the side of his head. Yeah, we all wanted to get that because the “public school” kids had that, but the nuns informed us that they were bad kids and come from bad families and that’s why they went to public school. We also weren’t allowed to have the “rat tail” but, hell, my parents wouldn’t let me do that either. Oh, and some kids wanted to get the name of their city shaved into the back of their head. I was a little more classy than that. The only place I was showing my city support was up my jogging pants leg….and that was rolled up to my knee….on “gym day” only.
But enough about me (although there really is never enough), Jersey Shore’s “Grandpa Situation” forgot to tan the corners of his forehead and looks like he’s wearing a bronzer mask whilst on the red carpet at the Grand Opening of the Sugar Factory at Planet Hollywood (white-trash) in Vegas the other night.
And, just for fun, enjoy these wondrous photos of JWoww ShamWow during Mercedes Benz Fashion Week (at Stage 37) yesterday. Look how psyched she looks to be there. Almost the same enthusiasm as during her one-on-one interviews during the Jersey Shore episodes.
10
Welcome to Miami, Bienvenguido a Miami!
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Read Past Jersey Shore Recaps!
What do you do when your fist pump suffers from frostbite? Well, you pack up your tubs of gel, stash your Nads and tweezers in your duffel bag, and ship two cases of AquaNet to Miami because, according to reports, that’s where season 2 of Jersey Shore is going to be located. The thought of Snooki’s “freakin’ poof” getting all frizzy in the Miami heat, well, it’s just enough for me to tune in.
After it was reported early last week that MTV producers were sending out production approval letters to local Miami bars and lounges, it is now being 99.98% confirmed that Snooki, Grandpa Sitch, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, JWoww ShamWow, Sammi SweatStains, Ronnie the Stump, and Vinny will be shooting season 2 at a renovated beach house on Lincoln Road in South Beach, which is the street directly behind Ocean Drive.
I’m psyched, but only for the reason that is means they can start shooting the new season soon, which means that we’ll see it sooner than we would have had we waited for the weather to get good in the Jersey Shore. I was kinda hoping that if they were moving locations they would have put the Douche-Bag Brigade up against an affluent community, which Miami definitely is not. Have you been? It’s pretty much like the Jersey Shore, but with things painted pink, light blue, light yellow, and light green. Oh, and you can walk around with alcohol so that only increases the chances that JWoww ShamWow will be fist fighting directly outside and/or on the actual beach.
Bring on Jersey Vice!
09
Ellen DeGeneres Sends the Jersey Shore Cast to Hell
One of Ellen’s favorite games (no, her other favorite game) “Know or Go” got a little extra grease in it’s levers when Snooki, Grandpa Situation, and Pauly D stopped by for a visit on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. To my complete surprise, Pauly D was actually pretty smart. Well, I don’t know if “smart” is the word, but compared to Snooki and Grandpa Sitch he was tanning scientist. Grandpa Sitch was middle of the road and Snooki, well, Snooki should legit be forced to repeat the 4th grade which, coincidentally she is the appropriate height for. Snooki was on quite the roll when she had to name the original 12 colonies but things suddenly took a sharp right turn.
08
The Jersey Shore Cast Head to The View
As the Douche-Bag Press Tour continues to criss-cross applesauce all over the United States, one of the next stops for the Jersey Shore cast is on ABCs “The View.” My little Snooki, JWoww ShamWow, Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Sammi SweatStains, Ronnie the Stump, and Vinny are all scheduled to appear on the Feb 23rd episode. You totally know that this is the day that Barbara Walters will have the day off. Whoopi will have no clue who any of them are and Elizabeth will claim they are all anti-American. Joy will be too busy doing her 1980’s standup routine and Sherri will think Snooki is her long lost twin sister. Should I have said “Spoiler Alert” before I wrote all that?
After you’ve completed your GTL, be sure to check out the d-bag brigade at 11am on Feb 23rd on ABC.
02
Faux-Breaking News: DJ Pauly D and Farrah (from Teen Mom) Not Together.
See what I did there? You know, the baggage? Yeah? You with me? I made Pauly D pull Farrah’s baggage? Right? Good, right? Ok, well not the worst I’ve done. Anywax, rumors spread like the wild-fire between Lindsay Lohan’s crotchtastic legs late last week that Jersey Shore’s Pauly D and Teen Mom’s Farrah were now dating. Apparently they met up at a bar in Houston, TX and have been together ever since. Well, rest easy Boardwalk because Pauly D has come fresh clean and confessed that he’s never even been to Houston, TX (surprise), but he does think that Farrah is hot. So, well, maybe one day Pauly D can go meet Farrah and her loving mom and while her mom is beating the bag out of Farrah, Pauly D can just beat the beat. Makes sense to me.
01
Snooki Back on Saturday Night Live (SNL Update)
Hey America! It’s your girl….Snooki! During Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live (or “SNL” as “the kids” call it), we were visited again by the one and only Snooki from Jersey Shore. This time, however, Snooki (played by Bobby Moynihan) got it right by going from a dark tan (from the last time he played Snooki) to a nice even orange. New updates also include a glittery red keg cup with an “S” on it and, in the end, an orange street cone with a “freakin’ poof” placed on top. What could be better? My favorite line this time around was, “We are, like, crazy famous right now. Like, Buttafuoco famous.” Brilliant.
01
Become the Best Snooki You Can Be!
Ever struggled with your faith? Well struggle no more because Jesus Claus does exist and he has come in the form of JerzifyYourself.com. A friend of a friend of mine actually created this website where you can simply upload your face, adjust your tan, and presto, you’ve turned yourself into the best Grandpa Situation or Snooki you can be! Personally I like my tan to be more of a Burnt Sienna, but sometimes orange is just as good.
So pass JerzifyYourself around to all your friends and experience the Jersey Shore for yourself!
29
Welcome to America. This is All You Need to Become Rich.
JWoww ShamWow and Grandpa Situation showed us exactly what it takes to get on a television series in the United States. JWoww, the self proclaimed Guidette, points to exactly where she had to place something in order to get cast on Jersey Shore and Grandpa Sitch wanted to make sure that Jesus was as close to his abs as possible. Oh, and nice Marlboro Lights, p*ssy.
The two randoms were at Miami’s Mansion club in Miami Beach and hosting the International Wednesday’s night. At this time it’s reported that both JWoww and Grandpa are getting $10,000 per appearance. To quote my sister, “Only in America do you get paid $10,000 for being a complete douchebag.” Very true, and wise. Reason #1,547,901 why the United States will one day be blown off planet earth.
