More Mindless Stories on ‘jersey shore cast’
07
One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Whore!
JWoww ShamWow and Snooki were celebrating Cinco de Mayo in Miami whilst filming scenes for the new season of Jersey Shore. With all the grease and oil that’s all over them you’d assume the lime would just shoot out of their mouths like a bullet. I’m glad that JWoww is wearing her token sombrero, but I’m a little surprised that she didn’t bedazzle the absolute sh*t out of it.
Now in case you were wondering, this photo does not have sound. I know, I’m the worst. However, my money is on the odds that right after Snooki finished taking her shot she’s screamed out “It’s Cinco de Mayo, bitch!” all while looking directly into the camera and waving with one hand and punching the bag out of a girl with the other hand. It’s called “multitasking” in the douche-bag world.
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22
JWoww’s Boobs are Going to Catch Secondhand Smoke
Well. As if we didn’t already know that JWoww ShamWow smelled like a mix between packaged ham, Sex on the Beach test tube shots, and burnt skin, we can finally add Misty 120’s to that list of scents as well. I mean, it’s like her future perfume line invents itself.
JWoww was caught by the paparazzi as she leaved her Florida “home” while she’s filming season 2 of Jersey Shore. Wearing an orange sheet that’s about one light summer breeze away from showing us her VagWow, JWoww was smoking a cigarette and increasing the chance that her rack was going to catch “the secondhand smoke” that all the doctors are up in arms about. Well, she’s either smoking a cigarette or she’s doing that Vagina call with her fingers and her tongue, you know, the way truck drivers do when they’re racing up the highway in their 18-wheeler? Yeah, like that.
Ok all done with this one.
15
Remember That Episode of Punky Brewster When Punky Went to Live With that Rich Family?
Well now this IS bazaar and bizarre all wrapped up and held together with the elastic band from tanning goggles. Snooki, JWoww ShamWow, and Sami SweatStains all became elegant “ladies” for a photoshoot with Harper’s Bazaar magazine. Uh, maybe Nell Harper’s.
The pigs in heat all got etiquette lessons from Lizzie Post and put on very expensive gowns that were, more than likely, smeared with bronzer by the time they took them off. Luckily for the second part of the photoshoot, JWoww’s rack came out to play. All the “ladies” even had to place books on their heads and try to walk around the room. This one was probably the easiest as AquaNet typically acts as an adhesive when the temperature hits 68.7 degrees.
However, the most revealing piece of information from this article is when Snooki talks about selling her version of the Bumpit called the “Snookit.” In regards to her freakin’ poof Snook’s said, “It was a teen Guidette thing, and when everyone grew out of it, I just kept it.”
Do me a favor, everyone, take those books off from your head and open them up. JWoww, grab an extra book to keep your rack occupied whilst you’re sounding out your words.
12
Snooki Finally Showing Us How She Protects Her Face from Punches
Wanna try and punch Snooki in the face again? Well good luck getting through two layers of tan and Real Housewives of Orange County inspired fingernails. Oh that’s right, Snooki is putting up quite the defense this season. I also like how Snooks is being proactive in regards to her red highlights she’s added to her hair. I mean, when cameras start to roll and fists start to fly it just makes it that much easier to camouflage the blood that will be splattered all over her. Good looking out, Snooki, good looking out.
Snooki, Grandpa Sitch, Sammi SweatStains, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, and Ronnie No Nickname, were all walking up Ocean Drive over the weekend with their camera crew behind them capturing every riveting move. The D-Bag Brigade have been having a hard time filming at “da clubs” in Miami as they are frequently being turned away. Big deal. You can drink on the street in Miami and it just increases the chances of a drunken outdoor street fight. I say forget “da club” all together and just grab a 30 pack and a couple of metal folding chairs.
Check out more photos of “da gang” in action.
09
Miami is Just a Trashy Stopover. Jersey Shore Season 2 Finishing Up at the Jersey Shore!
It’s like all of a sudden saying that the birth of Jesus took place in a bedazzled stainless steel manger in the sunny Caribbean. You just can’t rewrite history like that. Well the same goes for the trashmasters over at the Jersey Shore. People (i.e me) were dumbfounded when they heard that Snooki and crew were filming the new season of Jersey Shore in South Beach, Miami. Sure the tanning is more consistent and you can purchase a carved wooden duck on the beach all whilst getting your hair braided and drinking a 40, but pretending a place like “the boardwalk” in Seaside Heights never happened is, well, horrifying and a fate that none of us should ever have to live. And, luckily we won’t.
MTV is officially reporting that while they are filming season 2 of Jersey Shore in South Beach, Miami, all the cast-members (that includes “Hefty Cinch Sak Angelina”) will be finishing up their filming in none other than the actual Jersey Shore. Phew. Hopefully this increases the chances that they not only “beat the beat” but also lovingly beat the bag out of each other.
While MTV confirms that all the cast-members will be returning, don’t be surprised if a few new cast-members are added to the mix once they all reach New Jersey, as casting has begun to potentially find Snooki 2.0 and even a possible JWhat. I say just shellac the duck phone with bronzer and toss an Ed Hardy trucker hat on it and call it a day. Get it? Call it? Double joke.
07
Snooki Lands in South Beach. Welcome to Miami, Bienvenguido a Miami!
Refreshed with a stack of sombreros, Snooki is doing her best Speedy Gonzales impression in caliente South Beach, Miami. See what I’m doing with all the Spanish references? I may be over it already. Anygtl, Snooki Gonzales met up with her other cast-mates like JWoww ShamWow, who is slowly channeling Charo in that dress (coochie! coochie!), and Grandpa Situation (who is already a sweaty mess).
Now don’t be so distraught if you don’t see your other favorite Jersey Shore friends that you completely wax off your eyebrows and pencil them back in with a fine point Sharpie. They’re all there. You can see the back of Ronnie and the camera and forehead of Vinnie in the last photo (the odd eyebrows give him away). And Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Sammi SweatStains, and even the “not ready for primetime” player, Angelina, have all touched down in Miami too!
The amount of gel and waxing products that had to be divided up into 400 3 ounce bottles just to get on the plane must have been historic! Personally, I can’t wait to hear Snooki (on a constant loop) say “I’m in Miami, b*tch!” And you totally know that JWoww ShamWow will be trading in her drunken ham and water for some Churro’s y Chocolate and a “Shock Therapy” from Wet Willie’s. Yeah, it’s coming. Trust me.
24
Wanna Help St. Jude’s Hospital? Buy Pauly D’s Tanning Bed. Yeah, You Read That Right.
What would you do if I told you that you could help the children of St. Jude’s Hospital AND become a juiced-up-GTL-Guido all at the same time? I’m sure you’d say, “But IBBB! It can’t be so. How can I achieve all of my life’s goals in one quick shot?” Well, I’d reply back to you saying you were an overachiever, but then I’d also tell you about the charity work that Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D is doing.
According to reports that are useless to everyone except me, Pauly D will be auctioning off his prized tanning bed to the highest bidder (George Hamilton) to help raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. However, if you wanted to start looking like a burnt leather Oompa Loompa right now, you’re going to have to wait just a little bit longer. You see, Pauly D will auction off his tanning bed after the new season of Jersey Shore finishes filming.
In related news, JWoww will let you throw ham at her “gentlemen greeter” for $.25 a slice. Money raised will go towards buying more ham and additional jewels for her bedazzled jeans.
16
JWoww ShamWow Doing Anything BUT Dancing With a Combo Beaver/Seal is Just Plain Pointless
I can hardly wait until the new season of Jersey Shore starts up. To keep myself entertained I’ve been collecting dust bunnies from my apartment and gluing them together with 2 parts chewing gum to 3 parts sugar water and making an “instant poof” that I place on top of my TV so that I think I’m seeing Snooki standing in my apartment when I wake up at 4 in the morning to turn over and fall back to sleep. This is also a helpful tip as a way to increase the chances of dreaming of Snooki as well. I’m good like that.
Anycrap, this time we’re not talking about Snooki. We’re talking about JWoww ShamWow and how she was partying it up (sans alcohol) while at The Roosevelt Hotel in sunny/smoggy Los Angeles (that’s in California) over the weekend. She made sure to be rock-hard-rack to the wind while she danced in a bikini that may or may not have been made from the bedspread of a 1985 Boca Raton Howard Johnson’s.
My favorite part, however, is when even the Beaver/Seal mascot is looking at ShamWow like, “And what in the holy F is this supposed to be?” The answer to that would, of course, be: The Future of America. The Future of America.
12
Who The Hell is He Always Pointing At?!
Ugh. Why always the pointing with the fingers? Who do you see, Pauly? Just tell us for Christ sakes. Use your words, Pauly, use your words.
A lifelike Troll Doll, Pauly D from Jersey Shore, made a red carpet appearance in Vegas the other night to attend the premiere of “She’s Out of My League” which was held at Planet Hollywood. Are they really still building Planet Hollywood’s? If I really wanted to eat Demi Moore’s Cap’n Crunch chicken I’d fly to Los Angeles and dig through her trash like every other self respecting American.
In other Jersey Shore news, apparently the Douche Bag Brigade is not allowed (per legal contract) by MTV to drink alcohol while making any appearances until they start filming the new season of Jersey Shore in Miami. At first I thought this was ridiculous, but then I realized it’s brilliant. It’s simply math, actually. Lowering Their Alcohol Tolerance For the Next 2 Weeks + Binge Drinking During Day 1 of Filming = Assault, Battery, and Probably Homicide.
10
Snooki’s Boyfriend Wants to Put Her on a Diet. I Say Lose the “Freakin’ Poof” and Automatically Drop 15 Pounds.
Honestly, all I see if a floating head. The Rhea Perlman of our generation, Snooki Polizzi, and her boyfriend, Emilio Masella, are officially in love and probably will be until the new season of Jersey Shore starts filming. Snooki’s boyfriend told People, “We both started feeling it at the same time.” I assume he’s referring to the burning sensation in their crotches, but I digest. He continued, “I’m trying to train her, but she’s always on the road. I wrote up a diet for her. I’m trying to get her to start dieting and start training.”
First off she’s probably “always on the road” because she’s giving road head…and I’m sure that will help her burn some extra calories. I mean the poof on her head must be like a 15 pound weight anyway. And what “diet” did this douche write for her? And why would he publicly tell people this especially after Snooki discussed her old eating disorder? Poor Snooki. Maybe just decrease the pickle intake to about 4 per day.
05
Jersey Shore Cast Go “Jaywalking” on Jay Leno….Again.
I know this is 2 days old, but I can’t get enough. The D-Bag Brigade that is the cast of the Jersey Shore showed up on the Tonight Show again to try their tanned hands at a little Jaywalking. As always, my iced coffee straw could get more answers right than this crew, but, as always, their stupidity puts a smile on my wretched face. My favorite topic is when everyone tries to decide who becomes President of the United States if the existing President and Vice President die. Sammi SweatStains actually says, “Um, the wife? Or somebody who knows a guy?” Ding ding ding! You’re wrong, but you’re still getting paid more than me for simply being an ignorant douche bag!
I also laughed when JWoww ShamWow thought that Kim Jung Il was Jackie Chan. Oh that JWoww! Class act til the end.
I’m dumber for watching, but happier. Dumber, but happier. Happier.
03
Why Did They All Turn Into Fran Drescher?
Well Harper’s Bazaar just fell into the dumpster and hit every female cast member of Jersey Shore on the way down. First of all, why is that the way “Bazaar” is spelled? Is that the correct way? I don’t get it. Eh, I’m not checking. Second, according to detective work that may have been done by a 4th grader, Snooki, JWoww ShamWow, and Sammi SweatStains all got an un-needed makeover for the magazine. Why does everyone keep making them over? If I wanted to see girls from Jersey looking nice and tame I’d head to the convent. I want to see Snooki and crew looking like they all just got off the Bang Bus. And, if this photo is accurate, the “girls” all got turned into Fran Drescher which can be a good thing only 14% of the time.
JWoww ShamWow’s boobs look like they’re snacking on Snooki. Sammi SweatStains looks like she she’s pushing out #2, and Snooki looks like her “freakin’ poof” has been shellacked and she’s trying to “catch talent” in her hand. Either way, this is all good enough to get me through the downtime in between seasons.
25
Her Appearance Fee Can’t Be More Than $49.99, Right?
Looks like someone made their luggage garbage bags into a red carpet dress! Move over syphilis Martha Stewart because Angelina is coming up right behind you. Angelina Pivarnick (who knew she had a last name?) showed up to the Three-O Vodka launch party in New York City the other night. Three-O was out promoting their new vodka flavor and had I been invited to this event I would tell you what that flavor was. Maybe its fetus flavor. Maybe it’s road kill flavor. One may never know.
Angelina, as you know, may be taking part in the 2nd season of Jersey Shore. MTV has her on hold (similar to a 5150 on Britney Spears) and if they feel the need to use/exploit her they will and she will be more than willing to do so.
24
Jersey Shore Cast on The View. I Feel Like Whoopi is Even Mad at Me for Watching.
It’s the dream just won’t end. The cast of The Jersey Shore stopped by The View yesterday to chat with the ladies who all seemed like they were pissed off just because they all had to show up to work. However, Barbara wasn’t there for the interview, which is probably great for us because the thought of trying to decipher what Barbara Walters is saying vs. what Grandpa Situation is saying is, well, too much work than I’m willing to do.
Check out all your favorites field questions from the “ladies” like what is their 5 and 20 year plan (I think Snooki’s poof fizzled over the math alone), if Ronnie is really a racist, and does Pauly D/Ellen Travolta wash his hair every night. All riveting.
Is it just me or does listening to Grandpa Situation try to form a sentence want to make you stop what you’re doing and do about 15 minutes of flash cards with him?
22
The Jersey Shore Cast Hits Up the “Oregon Trail”
That’s right folks, it’s time to take another trip down the Oregon Trail and this time we’re enjoying our journey with the cast of Jersey Shore. I miss them, you miss them, and this is the only way I’m able to get through the downtime in between season 1 and season 2. So grab your oxen, your box (giggity) of bullets, and a few axle because JWoww ShamWow, Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Snooki (and her “freakin’ poof”), Sammi SweatStains, Vinny, and Ronnie are heading out west…on the Oregon Trail. Enjoy the trail, with journey narration by yours truly, IBBB. Yeeee Haw!
~ Well it’s a warm day in May and we’ve been in this covered wagon for about 20 minutes. All was going well, that is, until the humidity mixed with 27 cans of AquaNet and 54 bottles of Drakkar Noir caused a major fire. We should be grateful, however, that this wagon is cramped because the height of Snooki’s poof blocked the flames from hitting Grandpa Sitch, JWoww ShamWow, and Sammi SweatStains in the face. The bad news is that we lost 3 tongues, but JWoww promised to let us use hers as much as we needed. Seems safe.
~ It was time to cross the river and we only lost 1 day due to a stick in the mud (aka Sammi SweatStains). You know what, though? She is the sweetest bitch I’ve ever met. We’re all playing “Fist Pumps, Gel Tubes, Clippers” (similar to Rock, Paper, Scissors) to see who’s going to help pull Sammi out of the water. Her Fred Flintstone toe acting like an anchor right now, so we just may leave her.
~ Finally! We have some good news! While Grandpa Situation was trying to find some creatures to bang in the wilderness, he found an abandon wagon. At first we thought we could use it for tanning, but soon realized that it was stocked with some sick supplies that we needed. We found a couple of Ed Hardy Hats and T-Shirts and while we have say for political reasons that we found “bullets” we really found a grenade. Aww, I’m missing the old grenade already!
~ Crickets, crickets, crickets. Geesh, I guess I figured out what finally kept this crew of D-bags quiet. It’s a little something called a “thunderstorm.” They can’t tan and they’re all afraid of getting their hair wet, so they’ve just slept inside the entire day. It’s no surprise that all the girls fart in their sleep. Oddly enough, when Snooki farts her poof giggles. I’m starting to like it here.
~ Ed Hardy came out of the blue and went right back into it. In the middle of the night a thief came and stole our Ed Hardy Hats and Ed Hardy T-Shirts. Ronnie quickly jumped out of the wagon, thinking he was on the Boardwalk again, and started charging at the thief and slurring, “Come at me, bro. Come at me!” The thief didn’t say much, but we’re pretty sure it was actually Angelina (the “Kim Kardashian” of the Oregon Trail) because “the thief” put all of our stuff in large trash bags and then left. As a side note, how awesome is it actually says, “Press return to size up the situation.” Brilliant.
~ Ronnie has these bumps all over his body. Well, it’s mainly his privates. However, we just told him it was the “Measles” but if it’s one thing that Sammi SweatStains can identify it’s red bumps and, well, we can all guess what Ronnie is dealing with. As always Sammi is making this about herself and is currently “traumatized.” Hopefully since it’s only 1848 you can actually die from being traumatized. Fingers crossed.
~ Not to be outdone by Ronnie, Grandpa Situation is claiming he has a fever. Personally I think it’s just a cover-up for the burn he got in the tanning bed (that we found in the woods). Either way, I told Grandpa Sitch that the only thing that can cure his fever is more cowbell. He, of course, didn’t get it. As I explained it was on SNL, it further stumped them as they thought “SNL” stood for “Snooki Needs Love” which, ironically enough, she does.
~ We’re running pretty low on food. Who knew this troop could eat so much carcass? I mean I knew JWoww and Snooki wore carcass on their heads, but wasn’t in the know that they would actually eat it. Anywax, we all nominated Snooki to go out and hunt us down some food. She killed us 1 deer, 1 can of AquaNet, and two pickles. She ate all of it and used the entire can before she got back to the wagon. Also, similar to an actual episode of Jersey Shore, Vinny is nowhere to be seen.
~ Well this is a little awkward. Ronnie died, you guys. It was either the measles that finally got to him or “karma.” Regardless, it’s still rumored on the trail to this day that if you’re quiet enough at night you can actually hear Ronnie whispering to God (as he passed on) “Come at me, bro” and you know what? God did. God came at him, bro. God also took Ronnie out of the equation. God has a real good sense of humor, especially on “the trail.”
~ Where in the hell were they storing that hot tub in this wagon? JWoww ShamWow’s rack must have blocked my view of it. Poor Sitch. He has dysentery. We’re all pretty certain that he caught dysentery from the hot tub, although we all had a good laugh as Snooki thought we said “The Situation is on Dynasty.” Oh Snooki. She’s so legally dead in 48 states.
~ Sickness is going in an out of this wagon like JWoww at “da club” on a Saturday night. DJ Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has typhoid. Figures. We don’t know how she heard about it as there are no such thing as phones or email here on “the trail” but Danielle the Israeli Stalker caught wind of Pauly D being sick and she met up with us. She was even nice enough to make Pauly D a snow-globe that says, “I Love Jewish Girls.” She is relentless.
~ Waaaaah! After weeks of trying to figure out the duck phone, Snooki has finally become exhausted. She picks it up, says hello, and puts it down. She’s repeated that process for the past 15 hours. We’re trying to keep her awake by placing pickles under her nose as we heard they act as “smelling salts” to Snooki. The don’t. She just sucks them in her sleep….as similarly does JWoww.
~ Well. He tried to beat the beat and he lost. Pauly D is dead. Just when he was getting over his typhoid, he pushed it too far and hopped in the tanning bed for 45 minutes and, well, he burnt to a crisp. Danielle the Israeli Stalker immediately had the oxen run over her. Well, we kind of gave that her idea, but she went with it. We’re going to keep Pauly D in that tanning bed and years from now he will be known as a pioneer in the tanning industry.
~ Low on food again, Snooki grabbed her rifle and headed out to the woods to do a little hunting. Similar to the Jersey Shore, she was in the middle of a buffalo stampede and while thinking it was a hippo that was charging her, her rifle went off and she accidentally shot Vinny and Sammi SweatStains.
~ Boring day and now we broke our wagon tongue. No one knows what that means, so we’re just sitting here. JWoww is bedazzling her jeans and gluing white skunk stripes into her hair.
~ Snooki either said has cholera or chola eyebrows. It’s hard to understand her when she has a pickle in her mouth.
~ She’s not even safe out here on the Oregon Trail. Snooki ran into Brad Ferro who, in 1848, is actually just a head placed on top of a box of Summer’s Eve Douche. One thing led to another and he punched Snooki and broke her arm. Grandpa Situation is ducked down behind the oxen pretending he never saw this.
~ While we were trying to trade some crap for our newly broken axle, Grandpa Situation died. Ironically enough when this happened his abs jumped off of his dead body and began looking for hot young Indian girls in the woods to hook up with. Lucky for us, though, we ended up trading Grandpa’s carcass for that axle we needed. Funny how things work out.
~ Now this one really hurts me. Snooki has died. Snooki is dead. Snooki passed away. Why? Why????? Why do bad things always happen to abnormally short people!? Why God?! Why?!?! It was actually beautiful though when she passed, as her “freakin’ poof” ascended into Heaven. R.I.P Snooki. Waaaah.
~ We’re down to just one person left in this wagon. JWoww. She traded all that we had left for packages of ham. And now she has typhoid….just like DJ Pauly had. Hmmm, interesting….yet not so. It’s amazing how when push comes to shove JWoww ShamWow really has nothing to say. Hopefully the typhoid takes over her body soon.
~ Wow. That was fast. JWoww died. I’m not an animal so I made sure to bury her with her favorite yellow shirt that she wore in almost every episode of Jersey Shore. What was odd, was that her yellow top was actually on underneath her other shirt. It also had ring around the collar, but that’s another story. Goodbye JWoww. Or, as JWoww would say right after she would punch Sitch in the face, “Good night!”
Well, folks, that ends another trip down the Oregon Trail. I also take comfort in knowing how the entire cast would die and, well, it’s exactly how I imagined it.
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