More Mindless Stories on ‘intervention recap’

Linda from Intervention: The Case of the Runaway Intervention

As always I’d like to preface this by saying that I know I’m going to burn in the fiery pits of hell for finding some comedy in certain episodes of Intervention.  I know I’m a bad person.  I know I don’t have a heart.  I know.  I try to not find the entertainment watching this, but I fail.  I fail every time.  I’ve especially failed in the season premiere of Intervention that was on last night.

Just when I was beginning to yawn over another alcoholic or another meth addict or someone with a fancy gambling problem mixed with heroin addiction, Intervention really started to freshen things up.  Enter Linda.  Linda is addicted to Fentanyl lollipops, which is 100 times more potent than morphine.  She eats  7 of these lollipops per day like she’s seeing how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop due to the fact that she has a disease where her joints constantly become disjointed.  Yeah, I was a little confused too.

You see, it all started when Linda moved away from her Chinese family when she was 26 due to the fact that they made her work at their laundromat from 8am – 9pm, 7 days a week, when she was a little kid.  Hey, it beats sewing Nike tags into shirts, but I digress.  Linda packed it up and headed to Los Angeles to try her hand in acting.  She claims she was in over 200 movies and television shows.  She prides herself on living in the same apartment complex that Kelly Clarkson lived in when she moved to LA and also playing basketball with Brooke Shields on the set of Alley McBeal.  Seriously, what?  Linda was leaving the set one day when she realized she was constantly dislocating her body.  I, of course, picture a Gumby type situation.

So even if this is true, the crazy-train takes a sharp right turn when we discover that Linda’s brother Sam has been taking care of her for the past 8 years (paid by her parents) because Linda cannot be around people who are covered with electricity, come too close to her, etc. She can’t walk on the grass because she claims it hurts.  She can’t walk by the flowers her mother planted in her front yard because she screams in pain when she does that.  She’s can’t take left turns outside of her bedroom because that hurts too.  You know what doesn’t seem to hurt?  When Linda puts on music and makes up crazy dance moves.  That seems to feel just fine.  However, boys and girls, the BEST part for me is when Linda lays on her front lawn and does spread-eagle thrusts into the air in order to make her hips feel better.  Literally, she opens and closes he legs like scissors on her front lawn.  Oh, and she’s missing a ton of teeth too…in case that helps paint the pictures a little more clear for you. Oh, and one year at Christmas she made her entire family wear maroon colored clothing because it “hurt less.”

Linda’s parents have spent over $500,000 to help Linda….but not with medical treatment, etc.  They’ve spent that on things she convinces them makes her feel better.  This includes a jacuzzi, a state of the art bed, a house, and my personal favorite, a $5,000 dentist chair.  No typos here, ladies and gentlemen.  It does say “dentist chair.”  Ironic, since she is missing half of her teeth.

Linda’s dad lets the cat out of the bag and lets her know that he and her mom are in California and staying at a hotel.  Even though he tells her this over the phone, Linda screams because she can feel his electricity.  She ends up going to the hotel and banging on the “ballroom” door that her mother is being interviewed in for the show.  As a sidenote, they have her sitting in front of  a tiny blue background that has been duct-taped to the wall like when you would get your school pictures taken in 5th grade.  I sorta wished she was sitting in front of the laser background, but enough of my hopes and dreams.  On to the Intervention!

Oh kids.  Just when you think the good old intervention, itself, is getting predictable….not this time!  Linda loses her sh*t like nobodies business.  She doesn’t want to enter the room because of all the electricity and when she almost bumps into her brother she starts screaming and running down the hall of the hotel whilst continuing the screaming.  The chase ensues.  Everyone is running after the crazy screaming chick with cameras and boom mics while she heads to the parking lot like we’re watching an episode of COPS.  She climbs into her minivan and then out the sunroof, down the windshield, on the hood…and then the chase continues.  At this point I’m waiting to see Wile. E. Coyote have an anvil dropped on his head whilst all this is taking place.  One brother tries to get her to stop, but they all just keep running after her….that is until the other brother, Sam, actually tackles her to the ground.  I love an Intervention on the go!

In the end, the Intervention takes place outside on the lawn while Linda is literally doing her spread-eagle-thrusts again in front of her family.  The mother is of no use and they send her away because, for the first time ever I believe, she is ruining the intervention.  The father reads a letter to Linda and it speaks of birds and flying, etc.  I have no idea.

Linda kinda just says “yes” to go seek treatment and they toss her in the van.  Here’s where I get more confused.  Linda goes to a detox place so she can get off the drugs and then she is diagnosed with a delusional disorder and sent to a resident treatment facility.  Her brother Sam moved home with his parents.  That’s it.  Really.  It is.  I was like, what?!  I backed up my Tivo to read it again, but I read it right the first time.  This is how they ended it.  So is Linda legit crazy and in a home now or what?  If they don’t have an update on what Linda is up to now I’m going to be pissed.  I was totally let down by this.  Usually at the end they show the person in their second month of rehab and how they’re doing.  They ususally dye their hair a horrible blonde, but that’s besides the point.  What is Linda up to now?  Someone help me.  I feel empty not knowing.

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Cristy from Intervention

Me gusta Intervention!  While they’re not all funny, there are a few crapisodes that make me laugh out loud, partially because they’re funny and partially because I’m going to burn in the firey pits of hell.  This is one of those times.  Perhaps one of my top 5 favorite episodes of Intervention is the one with Cristy!  Stay tuned for the song.

Cristy is a meth addicted alcoholic who’s a stripper and thinks she’s God, Satan, and apparently a novelist.  Watch out, Lindsay Lohan, because I’m pretty sure there’s a new “triple threat” in town!  Oh, and did I mention that Cristy is missing many sections of her eyebrows?  She looks like the Sesame Street “Bert” stuffed animal that my sister had when she was little that I cut off pieces of his eyebrows.  We never thought of filling in the missing pieces of hair like Cristy did with pencil, but we were just kids and she’s a God afterall.

Cristy drinks an insane amount of Vodka when she’s coming down from meth.  She lives in what I’m assuming is the shed in her grandmothers backyard and she’s decorated it like they’re ready to shoot the next cover of “Home and Garden” at her place.  She has about 15 empty bottles of Vodka in the shower and one even put halfway through the wall.  Around that bottle are numbers and what I’m guessing is crossword puzzles written on the wall.  It’s very art deco.  We later find out these numbers are part of Cristy’s “formula” that somehow consists of “positive plus positive minus negative cancels out positive.”  Somehow that proves that she’s God, she thinks.  I’d buy that.

While Cristy can’t seem to afford alcohol on her own she somehow finds the money to dye her hair blond and always have new crisp “wife-beaters” that really complete her look.  This Cristy is a real pistol.  She goes to the liquor store and can’t buy alcohol on her own so she stands outside with a sign and just yells “Hey friends….friends?  Hey friends!”  until someone with a blurred out face approaches her and agrees to buy her some vodka if he can have a hug (and maybe go down the street with her for a little bit).  Cristy may be a meth stripper, but she’s a shrewd business woman and skillfully negotiates the vodka transaction minus the “trip down the street for a little bit.”  She must be onto something with that “positive positive negative” math equation.  I’ll practice that later.

Cristy spends the majority of the episode naked.  Ramen Noodles are involved.  Cristy spends a lot of time throwing noodles around her dump of a house.  Later she spits the chewed up noodles at the producer. Hot. Speaking of hot and by “hot” I mean “scary” Cristy’s sister (who also has jacked up eyebrows) fights a naked Cristy outside next to the free-weights and chest-press.  Seriously, is this happening?  It is.

Our pal Cristy was surprisingly not molested as a child, but her parents did get divorced when she was nine and apparently that’s a recipe for a meth/stripper filled future.  She moved out to LA with her dad when she was a teenager and even though she was dressed in clothes that exposed her boobs and stomach and was going to “raves” her dad just thought “she was going to a dance.”  Yeah, a dance at the local crackwhore house.  I’m sorry that was wrong.  No no I mean the spelling of “crackwhore.”  Should it have been hyphenated?

Yay! It’s time for the Intervention!  I love when the family pretends it’s a party. Cristy walks in an smiles and says “Oh God” and her family literally yells out “Weeeee!”  Seriously, brilliant.  I want one!  Cristy hugs everyone whilst holding a pack of Spree’s.  It is a party!  Oh, and she also has stickers on her face.  Is it bad that I never want Cristy to get help?  I just want Cristy to have her own channel where all we do is watch her.  Maybe every now and then Janet (from a previous Intervention) can make an appearance and just yell out “God Almighty!”

The intervention itself is a real circus.  Cristy laughs it all off, but her family kinda laughs it all off too.  Hell, might as well, I’m laughing too.  By the way, I totally blame her parents for this.  Not because of the divorce, but because they are complete morons.  If she were my daughter I would have ripped her by her hair out of her meth lab apartment and chained her to a radiator until she sobered up and then tossed her ass in rehab.  I’d repeat that process 2,462 times until it finally worked.

Anyway, Cristy loses her 40 that she’s drinking and throws her orange Spree’s at the Interventionist.  She then begins to fight her family (by pulling out some Matrix sh*t).  They literally have to hold her down to the ground so she will listen to them.  After they threaten her with jail the shrewd business Cristy comes out again and she negotiates going to rehab ONLY if she can drink on the plane.  Deal!

Finally, in the car ride to the airport, the mom asks the dad to sing a song to Cristy.  I don’t want to oversell this, but this is the best part of the episode.  And the song goes….

So pretty and she’s witty,
Sometimes misty, that’s my Cristy
She’s my girl, my little girl, to me that’s what she’ll be.

Best. Song. Ever.

Finally, in conclusion, Cristy gets kicked out of treatment after 3 days so her family had her arrested.  Cristy said she got the message of “don’t do drugs.”  Nancy Reagan would be proud.  Cristy served 90 days in jail, relapsed 6-weeks after, and now lives with friends and drinks and does drugs.  Well that sucks.  Does that mean it’s wrong that I laughed at this episode?

Janet from Intervention: The Lady of Leisure

My name is Patrick. P-A-T-R-I-C-K.

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Oh. My. God. "Failure Model Chick" Was on Intervention!!!!!!!

Ok, I don’t want to oversell this, but today is the best day of my life. An IBBB reader tipped me off that my favorite Harriet Carter model, “Failure Model Chick,” was actually in an episode of one of my favorite shows, Intervention. At first I didn’t believe it, but then I found the actual clips from the episode and low (class) and behold there. she. was. What a delight!

Apparently this dude, Peter, was addicted to video games and his best friend Rachel (Failure Model Chick) was trying to save his life. Seriously she’s like VISA….she’s everywhere.

According the person who tipped me off, allegedly, FMC got this dudes family together to convince them he was addicted to video games, just so she could get a few moments on national television. What? The Harriet Carter catalog isn’t national enough!?

The person who tipped me off claims that she is crazy and manipulative and they have a restraining order against her. Seriously, I love FMC!

I’m not sure if the story is true, but clearly she was on Intervention. So, dedicated readers of IBBB, let’s piece together how Rachel is officially in 3 out of 4 of my favorite things: (1) She had a 10 second part in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. (2) She’s in my favorite catalog, Harriet Carter. (3) She was now in my other favorite show “Intervention.”

Let me tell you, if FMC shows up in an episode of The Hills I’m shutting this blog down!

Long live Failure Model Chick!

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It’s Like I’m Walking On Sunshine: Allison from Intervention: The Remix!