More Mindless Stories on ‘ibbb brush with fame’
May
27
27
Big Tipper Brody Jenner Breaks Bathroom Stall Promise
First off, I need to say that the title of this blog post is probably the most brilliant that has ever been written. Sadly, I did not make that title up, my buddy Mike did, but it’s still brilliant. So here’s the deal. Two of my great friends, Michele and Mike from Boston, came to visit me in the Big Orange for the weekend. We head out to STK (pictured above) for dinner and a drink or 15. I am positioned in the best seat available, which is directly in front by the window in which I can see every person enter the restaurant. Big mistake putting me there. We’re about 4 vodkas into dinner when all of an f’n sudden Brody Jenner and his posse come strolling into the restaurant. Shut the F up. I quickly said a prayer to my little baby Jesus that a camera crew and Lauren Conrad would be following him, but sadly they weren’t. No joke, I was like this is my chance to get on The Hills. I’ll have to wait on that.
So we finish dinner, which was excellent, and head over to the bar area for more drinks, which I like to call “confidence juice.” We chat up the waitress who informed us that someone was kicked out due to taking pictures of Brody. My buddy Mike then spots Brody heading to the bathroom so, like a good stalker-in-training, he decides to take a trip to the shitter too. Whilst in the bathroom Mike talks up Brody and, of course, asks him if he’s ever read IBBB. Brody, of course, said no (hurtful), so Mike asked Brody to swing on by our table to say hello on his way out as we are big fans of The Hills, etc. Brody was like “definitely” and before they both peaced out of the bathroom, Brody tossed $10.00 into the bathroom attendants tip basket (to which Mike told the bathroom attendant that was from him too….brilliant).
So me, Mike, and Michele are all drunk and Brody (who apparently changed his shirt while he was there) was heading out and walks by our table and we’re all like 10 year old school girls like “Hey Brody!” We are complete tools. Yeah, not so much because he blows past us going about 45 mph. We totally got the brush off, luckily the alcohol numbed the pain and suddenly we had a fun story to tell.
We legit had a conversation about what Us Weekly would put on their cover if they experienced this ridiculous run in with Brody Jenner to which Mike immediately said, “Big Tipper Brody Jenner Breaks Bathroom Stall Promise.” And you know what, he did break his bathroom stall promise.
So, note to self – all you reality star fauxlebrities out there – if you ever run into me it won’t just be a simple hello. We’ll be watching you and if I can’t get to you, I’ll send my friends in after you.
As a side note, my friends Mike and Michele asked me to do a reading at their wedding next year. So, I’m pretty sure IBBB will be the main wedding sponsor. A reading from the book of The Hills to the Corinthians….
May
27
27
Chase Crawford, Urine Laced Hair?
Hey ladies, ever wonder how your favorite Chase Crawford gets his hair so stylish, stylish and highlighted just right? Well the secret may be in the urine and the feces. However, before you ask your husband to take a dump on your head (again) you may want listen to this story first, Dirty Sanchez.
So, in the same night that me and my friends ran into Brody Jenner at STK in NYC on Friday night we also saw Chase Crawford come into the restaurant as well. He rolled in around 8pm, which was kind of early since we were all making fun ourselves for having the early bird special. Anyway, he was surrounded by a ton of girls and a few dudes to which we will later see him eating dinner with just at the bottom of the stairs that take you up to the bathroom. What’s odd is that upstairs there are a few private rooms, so good for him for sitting with the rest of us second class citizens.
Anyway, my buddy Mike and I head up to the bathroom to which we are talking out loud about a plan to get into a brawl with Brody Jenner and get ourselves on the cover of Us Weekly. Let me tell ya, after a ton of vodka and wine it really sounded like a brilliant plan. When we were putting this plan together we were alone in the bathroom with the exception of the bathroom attendant (who was laughing with/at us and our plan)…..and Chase Crawford who comes out of the side bathroom stall while we are washing our hands. He legit stands in front of the mirror for a good 10 seconds and keeps playing with this hair and rubbing his hands down the sides of his hair…..and he turns around to leave….without tipping the bathroom attendant….OR washing his hands. I followed him down the stairs hoping that I would have the chance to ask him if he was doing number 1 or number 2, but no luck. I’d assume # 2 b/c what dude goes in the stall for # 1…..unless you’re Lindsay Lohan and getting your fix of coke. Just pondering. Look if you’re not going to wash your hands, that’s your deal but if you’re famous and you know 2 drunken retards are not only looking at you, but are also crafting a plan on a way to get into Us Weekly, don’t you think you’d at least rinse one hand under the faucet?
As a side note, there’s a little thing call bathroom etiquette. Sure you don’t talk to someone while they’re going to the bathroom, but if you’re both at the sink area a simple head nod is customary….as is not rubbing piss in your hair. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned. I love living in New York. I’m hot on your trail next, Olsen Twins!
Feb
14
14
More Commercial Sellout!
Even I’m sick of this commercial at this point, but must post it one last time as today is the last day it will be airing before retiring to the vault for good. Check out yours truly in a beautifully acted commercial for VH1/Dentyne Ice. I expect to, not only, win awards for this, but be offered much more work in the future. Perhaps a sexual harassment work video for your office? Sky is the limit! Watch. Enjoy. In that order.
Feb
08
08
That Dentyne Ice, Rock of Love Commercial
I’m not sure if you can technically win an Emmy Award for commercials, although I think you can, but I’m pretty sure I’m winning for this commercial. As promised, IBBB would find multiple ways of selling out in 2007 and then carry it over to 2008. Well, 1-month in 08 I feel that I’ve already found my first sellout opportunity. My “Dentyne Ice/Rock of Love” commercial started airing yesterday. In case you’ve missed it I, of course, add the uploaded commercial. My goal is to now get into the Harriet Carter catalog (if you don’t know what that is, Google it). So all you agents and writers out there please feel free to offer me your services.
All I want to say about my performance is that if me and Audrina were having a “White Teeth-off” I think she would only win because she has a bit of a tan already. If I were tanned I would have definitely won.
All kidding aside I was, of course, psyched to have been chosen for the commercial and had a kick-arse time filming it, etc. Who knew when I started this tired little blog over a year ago I would have ended up moving to NYC and being in a national commercial. I think Oprah says something like, “God dreams bigger than you can dream for yourself.” Well, Oprah’s a bitch. I just wanted to take the time to say that. Enjoy!
Feb
01
01
Old Navy Event & IBBB. Never a Good Mix
Gather around kids because it’s time for “Story Time with IBBB.” Pull out the nap mats and pour that 3rd cup of coffee that you typically sneak a little alcohol in. I know you do. I won’t tell. Anyway, I was lucky enough to be invited to this Old Navy event in NYC on Wednesday night. Yeah, I don’t know why either. I’m sorry though because if you’re going to have me show up somewhere with open-bar that’s your own fault.
I had no idea what to expect at this event, but I did hear that some celebrities from the CW would be there. I immediately prayed to my sweet and loving Jesus that it would be Tyra Banks so that I could FINALLY live out my dream of placing her in a headlock and taking a picture. No dice. However, some people from Gossip Girl were there….you know, that chick that had her nose done and she kind of looks like she’s 40, but still kinda hot. Blake Lively? I’m not Googling it. Anyway, she was with that dude from Gossip Girl that looks like Zac Efron’s sister….Chase Crawford. Oh, and Sophia Bush was there. I did not get any pictures of those people as they were roped off in a VIP section that I, clearly, will never be invited into. But, don’t get me wrong and think that after about 9 drinks I didn’t walk right over and try to hop over the rope. Note to self: Security does not enjoy people jumping over the rope.
Next up, Natasha Bedingfield shows up and is ready to perform her songs. Now let me say that the British accent turns my stomach, but it seems to disappear when she sings. I also hate to admit that she did sing live and sounded insanely good. She sang some of her old stuff, her new stuff….and then she closed with “Unwritten” from “The Hills.” Keep in mind that there were only like 150 people at this event (how was I there again?) and I was right up front when she was singing. I made sure to yell out such phrases as, “Talk about Audrina,” “What’s Heidi really like,” and my personal favorite, “Did you meet Lisa Loveless!?” I really know how to class a place up. I also hit “tilt” on the “class-o-meter” when I realized that I was missing out on a wonderful opportunity to snap a photo of the beginning stages of some underdeveloped cameltoe (see photo # 4).
The whole night, DJ AM was there Dj’ing. It was comical watching girls constantly going up to him while he was “scratching.” Do the kids still say “scratching?” Regardless, I’m saying it. He was pretty good about it and even took some pictures with them. I, of course, wanted to ask about his thought process of going from Nicole Richie to Mandy Moore, but I had a moment of self control and didn’t. See, I can be an adult.
Here’s another good story. Remember that Russian kid, Andre, from “America’s Most Smartest Model?” Yeah, well so he was there wearing this insane fur hat. No joke it had measure about 2 feet off his head. It was huge. My friend Kate (person responsible for these pictures) goes up to him say hi (basically she did it for our viewing pleasure only). Yeah, well he completely ignores her as does his douche-bag girlfriend who kinda thought she was a model, but she wasn’t smiling with her eyes so she definitely wasn’t a model. We laughed. Kate really took one for the team and is willing to do anything for a laugh. Brilliant work.
But…my favorite part of the whole entire night was when I saw the girl who was in credit card debt from the episode of “True Life: I Live on Staten Island.” She was just walking around. No one I was with cared in the least, but I thought it was great.
Ok, well that’s all….that’s all I remember. Now get back to work. God bless Old Navy and God bless performance fleece. Mix it up Magic!
