More Mindless Stories on ‘i love spam’
Me gusta when I get some crazy SPAM email. Here’s one of my favorites!
Of course, my response was as follows:
Hey Emily – Ugh sorry to hear about the cancer. Seems like you can’t catch a break. Just yesterday you emailed me about being on your death bed due to losing your legs and one arm, although I think you typed “leggs.” LOL, I guess the one arm makes it tough for typing. Anybandages, that’s pretty neat that your late husband left you all those Euros. Is that like real money or like Chuck E. Cheese’s tokens? Oh sorry, I forgot you’re from the UK. You probably call it Charles E. Gouda or something. You Brits! Do you know Lisa Vanderpump? Of course you must.
I’m cool with donating the money to the orphans, as I grew up watching Annie with my sister and, well, I mean how long can those kids really have hot mush? I have a little problem, though, with the “widows in the society.” How do I round them all up? I’ll assume CraigsList, but hoping you can provide me names and addresses. If you can crawl out of your death bed, please let me know at your earliest convenience.
Speaking of “last deed on earth” you know what I want mine to be? To teach you proper English and, well, my actual name. You seem to think it’s “Remained Blessed” which is catchy, but would confuse the police if I ever got pulled over. Alright I gotta run. I just won 5 other Internet lotteries in the last 20 minutes and want to get all the paper work in order. Get well soon! I love you.
Similar to the way that Tyra lets us all into her life by showing us her real hair, I’m letting you all into my life by showing you a little bit of my inbox (giggity). I do this for a good reason. You see, the SPAM emails I receive are usually very complimentary….probably because they want me to transfer hundreds of thousands of dollars into a bank account in the Baltic Sea before their 3rd leg is cut off and sold by their father to raise money since their mother was gunned down by the Prime Minister from All of God’s Churches. It’s the oldest story in the book.
This time, however, Ruthbaby Love is claiming she found me on a dating site. While that part isn’t true, I give Ruthbaby Love bonus points for using such hip American phrases like, “decided to drop you a few lines.” However, the real zinger is when she says to me, “I have taken time to see the age difference us but really age they say is a number.” Well, I never in all my life! That skank just called me old. Sure she forgot to type in about 5 different words in order for the sentence to make any kind of sense, but I’ll blame that on the pressure of getting her 3rd leg cut off.
A relationship with me and Ruthbaby Love would never work out. I may be an old douchebag, but even I have standards and her sweet love-talk was very insulting. Although, she does have a point where she says she’s looking for a man like me that understands the need to love and be loved and, well, this mail did find me in a perfect healthy state of mind, so, well, why the hell not? I’m going to give it a go with Ruthbaby Love. I’ll keep you all posted on how our relationship progresses. I can’t wait to hit up the nightlife in the Baltic Sea!
I still love getting SPAM emails. They’re always so brilliant. However, because I am mentally unbalanced, sometimes I like to write back to these emails. No really, I do. Here’s a little email that I received…and then with the response I sent back to them. Enjoy.
Subject: How are you ? ? ? ?
My Dearest Beloved,
how are you to days ? i hope that all is well with you please i want use this chance to
explain to you about my condition here in the camp of Senegal , In this camp we are only
allowed to go out from the camp only on Fridays of the weeks. Its just like one staying in
the prison and i hope by Gods grace i will come out here soon.i don’t have any relatives now whom i can go to all our relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person i have now is Rev. David mike ,who is the pastor of the (Christ for all Churches) here in the camp he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am leaving in the women’s hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men the other for women.
Meanwhile i will like you to call me like i said i have a lot to tell you.
Have a nice day and think about me. Pleased treat this as very urgent so that if i hear from you i will forward you contact information to the Finance bank for you to contact them, Awaiting
to hear from you soonest
Yours in love
Here was my response:
What’s shakin’ Amina! It’s so good to hear from you….again. I figured after the last 13 emails to me you would have gotten discouraged, but no, not you! I guess all that praying in “Christ of All Churches” really must work. I love your religion by the way. It’s so inclusive. None of this Catholic, Jewish, Islam bullsh*t. You believe in the #1 Christ of all the churches that are out there….like, in the world! Wow.
Anyway, your camp sounds really nice. It’s just like you, Amina, to sneak your poor ass into the womens camp. You silly little minx! I bet you’re pulling a lot of “prisoner of war” ass in that camp!
Oh, and I am having a really nice day. And I am thinking of you. I often do. I’m still waiting, however, for you to send me the contact info of the “Finance Bank.” They sound so official and it’s amazing that that name wasn’t already taken. I’d like to think that since you are in an all women’s prison camp it must be the luck of “Christ of All Churches” that you randomly typed in my email address. Now I’m not so good with “the numbers” so I guess I’m going to just transfer all the money I have into one of your prison bank accounts. This way at least you may not have to turn tricks for a pack of cigarettes next week.
Anyway, I’m rambling, but you always do that to me, Amina. You’re such a good listener and friend. Well, write back soon. I’d love to hear about the camp food and things you do to pass time during the day.
P.S –> It’s great you get to use the Internet.
Best Friends For Life,
Subject: Please help me am contacting you from my sick bed
God be with you.
Dear Jane Cole,
Well isn’t this quite the honor! I must be one the luckiest streaks of my life because I literally got about 15 emails this week alone from people who want to split money with me! I decided to respond to you because of your “complement of the day.” What a complement that was! It shows me that you really care about me and, well, I’m realizing that I care about you too.
I did have a question though. You mentioned that you wanted to “intimate me with certain facts.” Does that mean you’re going to email me pictures of your boobs? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what you meant. I’m glad that you are, in fact, happily married with two kids and I will not betray your confidence. I’m sure your husband and kids are really treats.
I’m not quite sure if we can be “accord” as my last car was not a Honda. Perhaps we can meet up if/when you make it to New York City. I’ll be looking for you to wash up to shore in an inner-tube as I have a feeling that’s how you’ll be hand delivering my check to me.
I Love You Forever,