More Mindless Stories on ‘heidi montag’
11
Heidi Montag Heading Back to Playboy Because, You Know, You Don’t Buy a New Car Just to Hide It in the Garage
If you’re like me and want to see just exactly what Heidi Montag ordered from the plastic surgeon you just may be in luck! It’s being reported that Heidi, along with her completely dead face, are in talks to make another appearance on the pages of Playboy magazine. If you recall from Heidi’s first Playboy shoot, she remained completely clothed in which she just could have gotten the same outcome from appearing on the cover of TV Guide. This time, however, Heidi may be ready to show the world her rack-attack and possibly even her “gentlemen greeter.” According to some random source, “She is currently speaking with [Playboy photographer] Matthew Rolston [about] a steamy, soapy, shower concept showing her boobs through the shower door.”
“Boobs through the door” is the new “Pants on the Ground.” I think Matthew Rolston should take my idea of the photo above for Heidi’s possible cover. Who’s with me?
Boobs through the door, boobs through the door. Lookin’ like a whore with your boobs through the door.
04
Apparently Where Darlene Montag Lives There are No TVs or Magazines…and She’s Missing Her Eyes.
Nothing quite says “family reunion” like an MTV camera crew to capture the look on your face when you first lay eyes on your daughter who mutilated her face all in the name of “show business.” For some reason, Us Weekly stopped blowing Heidi and Spencer and now People Magazine has taken to their knees to report, exclusively, on all things related to Heidi Montag’s new face.
Heidi headed (pun sorta intended) to Crested Butte to slap her horse in the ass and visit her mom, Darlene Montag, for the first time since karma did a real number on her face and part of her body. Heidi told People Magazine, “I was nervous, but also excited … I never thought in my wildest dreams she was going to react the way she did. She was looking at me almost like a zoo animal. It wasn’t like I was her daughter anymore. She was looking at me like I was a circus freak.”
Darlene was probably looking at Heidi like she was her long lost son who fled the country in 1999 to become a post-op transsexual…who then made love to a circus freak and a zoo animal all whilst getting slapped in the face with Silly Putty and Leprechaun hats. So, yeah, that’s probably what she was looking at.
Heidi lifelessly continued, “I think she was most upset that Spencer was there for me and she wasn’t. She was saying how sad it is that my confidence is gone because of the music industry I’m trying to get into.” If the music industry she’s referring to is in regards to a Meow Mix remix jingle then, yeah, I get it.
You can watch the script unfold on the upcoming season of The Hills.
02
Guess Who Saw Their Shadow????
Sorry to bring the bad news so early in the morning, but unfortunately the Monthog did, in fact, see its shadow. So you know what that means? Six more plastic surgery procedures! Sweet! We may be battling off winter for the next 3 months, but the Monthog has it worst as it’ll be fighting off its youth over the next three months.
26
Heidi Montag’s New Boobs: A Shelter for Enzo?
Shhhhhhh! Be very very quiet. We are all very lucky to be this close to the Montag Monster in her natural habitat. She lurks close to the ground and tries to hypnotize you with her new DDD boobs and blank stares. Not to be confused with her similar mating call, the Montag Monster positions her crotch to the sky in thanks and appreciation to the plastic surgeon gods who have blessed the beast with brand new body parts so that she can more easily devour and destroy her prey. As you can see she has quickly attracted a Katherine McPhee lookalike who has also roamed out from the woods and has positioned herself directly next to the Montag Monster. She tries to remain camouflaged in her 2002 Jessica Simpson blanket-shawl and matching hat but she is no match for the Montag Monster who will, in the end, knock her down to the ground with her newly shaved chin and suffocate her with her ginormous beast-like knockers. If the Montag Monster was able to move its face, we would see a possible satisfied smile once she captures her prey, but we should all be relieved as the beast has been pulled so tight a simple smile would likely blow her ass off.
Anyway, the girl formally known as Heidi Montag was out with her yoga instructor doing “exercises” with camera crew in hand in LA the other day. Heidi is trying to get her body back into fighting shape so she can ready herself for the next round of surgeries: Thorax and Abdomen.
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21
Heidi Montag Plastic Surgery Photos: An Open Discussion
I’ve had a few days for the Heidi Montag post plastic surgery pictures to settle into my barely there mind. I’d like to go on record saying that I actually do not think that she had as many procedures as she claims and believe this is all just another publicity stunt for an upcoming book and/or show for Heidi and Steve Sanders (Spencer Pratt). However, if this is the real deal I actually feel sad for her, as she’s dumber than Audrina which, in all reality, is no small feat.
Heidi doesn’t look like she had that many procedure done to her face as it just looks like Botox exploded all over it. Although, I’m sure Heidi is used to getting sprayed in the face. Sure she can’t move a muscle in her head, but as long as she can keep on reading her lines for The Hills, we all win. Heidi is also claiming that her boobs are now a size DDD and closer to an F, which on her small frame should make her automatically added to the “No Fly” list by the government. Heidi, dead-behind-the-eyes, says she wants her boobs to be a size “H” because “H” is for “Heidi.” Seriously, someone toss a 5150 on this train-wreck.
According to my friends over at Access Hollywood, Heidi has said:
“I almost died after my procedure. I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. [I was] in an aftercare center, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times. So thank God, Charles, one of my security guys used to be an EMT, and he was timing my breath on his watch and he called the nurses and they had to put oxygen on my face and called my plastic surgeon to come in for an emergency. So, it was a very traumatic experience for me.”
Heidi continued to spew:
“I’m starting to move my face more and more, [But,] I feel very plastic… especially when I first came out, it was so hard for me even to smile and it’s still hard for me to chew sometimes. But it’s feeling more and more natural everyday because the swelling is going down.”
Honestly, it’s almost like Heidi isn’t joking anymore and these words she says are actually serious. Again, I think this is all a publicity stunt (that I may be falling for) as I really can’t imagine someone who is 23 years old doing all these things and then going on a press tour to talk about it. Sad, yet funny, yet sad all at the same time.
What do you all think? Publicity stunt or legit that crazy?
