More Mindless Stories on ‘heidi montag’
14
Heidi Montag Addicted to Plastic Surgery. In Other News, the Terrorists are Still Trying To Kill Us.
Heidi Montag, the Kim Zolciak of our future, is gracing (puke/punch self in own nuts) the cover of People Magazine. Had it not been for the her name on the cover you may have not known it was Heidi. Perhaps you thought it was her horse from Crested Butte? Perhaps you thought it was a carpenter ant mating with a lollipop? Perhaps you thought it was the blond dude from Dancing With the Stars. It doesn’t matter which one.
In the new issue of Multiple Persons Magazine, Heidi Montag talks about her 10 surgeries she had in just one day. How many times can you replace your chin and nose? Obviously multiple times. Here are just some of the things that Heidi claims she’s had done:
Ding! Ding! Ding! Tell ‘em what she’s won, Johnny?! Well, after having her plastic surgery card stamped 10 times she’s getting a free procedure! Heidi Montag, congratulations because you’ve just won….new elbows! Applause, applause, applause!
I only have 3 words for Heidi Montag. You will be burning in the fiery pits of hell.
27
With the Heat in LA, I’m Sure Heidi’s Outfit Smells Like the Basement of a Church
Ah yes, two of America’s sweethearts, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag, filmed scenes for an upcoming episode of this little show known as “The Hills” in LA yesterday. Audrina, playing the role of the beaver-toofed-dead-eyed whore stands and listens to Heidi as the cameras roll. I will only assume that Heidi is telling her that she is so desperate to have a baby that she’s now just walking the streets dressed like a whore and waiting for the dicks to magically appear and knock her up.
Why do I have a feeling that she got the leather pants and leather boots from the mother of the little boy who “lives” next door to Heidi and Spencer? Also, Heidi looks like an albino. Ok, that’ll be all.
I hope
27
Heidi Reads Her Lines While Driving Away from the Church
Heidi looks like she’s trying to perform long-division on her hand and Spencer lets us know just how small is penis actually is. I think it’s great that they can fit an entire portion of the script directly on Heidi’s hand. I guess it makes sense since 20 out of the 22 minutes of the actual show is just facial expressions. And, well, it pretty much looks like Heidi is perfecting her facial expression entitled “Caught from Behind.” She’s easy, breezy, beautiful, horselike….Covergirl.
27
If Brent Bolhouse Didn’t Ever Want to Be Around Spencer, He Probably Shouldn’t Have Gone to Their Wedding and Stood in the Front Row
It’s fun to play “Where’s Waldo” with past cast members of The Hills at Heidi and Steve Sanders wedding. This time around I spotted Brent Bolthouse, who kinda looks like Waldo. I also thought that Brent told Heidi he didn’t ever want to be around Spencer again? I’m pretty sure his odds increase of seeing Spencer at, oh I don’t know, Spencer’s wedding.
P.S –> Who throws their bouquette on the front stairs of the church? Scripted rumor has it that Kristin Cavallari caught the bouquette (and possibly some weave tracks).
P.P.S –> Do you think they’ll place Heidi’s dress in the Smithsonian in Washington DC? They should at least place her dress or head there.
27
A Lot of Troll Dolls Had to Die For This….
Well it looks like all fences have been mended and 16 pounds of troll doll hair were ordered and hot-glue-gunned to the head of Heidi and crew. Past reports that Heidi and her horse from Crested Butte trotted down the aisle together have turned up false as you can see from the above photo. With a cowboy hat and one of those 1980’s shoelace ties, Heidi’s dad (??) pushedwalked her down the aisle. I’d love to see a close up of him so I can finally place blame on the nose and chin. If these further developments arise, I will report back and by “report back” I really mean “probably won’t.”
27
It Finally Happened. Heidi’s Lips Have Exploded.
I KNEW Heidi’s lips were just filled with custard, I knew it! I’ve decided that today will “Scripted Hills Wedding Day” and because I wasn’t there to recap it, I will bring this d-bag wedding to life on this here d-bag blog.
On a similar note, IBBB is predicting that in about 7 more years Heidi will be appearing in similar photos with junk all over her face. Times will be tough and she’ll have to find a way to make ends meet.
09
Man With Santa Pubes Beard Attacks Lifelike Q-Tip?
Oh wait, cancel the call to the police. A life-like Q-Tip is actually one Ms Heidi Montag and the man with the Santa pubes beard is actual one Mr. Santa Pubes Pratt. I was wondering why the paparazzi wasn’t doing anything?! Heidi and Steve Sanders continued their “We’re Going to Burn in Hell One Day” victory tour around Robertson Blvd for some much needed camera time and then ended up at a mattress store in which the two used-douche-bags hopped on a bed and played like children with rabies.
I like how that the more time that passes, the more that Heidi is starting to look like Cousin It. At this point she’s basically like a wig hanging on a broomstick….and as talented! Steve Sanders, too, is starting to just turn into a hairball. They better be careful if they’re ever around Heidi’s horse in Crested Butte. I don’t want that precious horse coughing up hair….before it gets slaughtered to make glue. Just sayin’.
11
So a Horse Wearing a Wig Trots Into a Store….
Heidi Montag put on her biggest tightest cuffed jeans and trotted her horse ass on a little shopping spree at Elyse Walker the other day in sunny LA. It’s so odd how every store that Heidi trots into allows the paparazzi to come on in too. That’s nice of them. Usually the paparazzi are forced to stay outside, but not when Heidi Montag is involved. I bet she could solve that pesky Middle East crisis all with a touch of her chin.
Does anyone else think that Heidi is going to rot in hell? No really, anyone? Because I do. I mean, I’m sure to see her there, but she’s totally going to be there. I bet her hell will consist of blond weaves that are placed just a little bit to high for her to reach and she’ll spend eternity jumping and trying to reach them. Whilst doing this her fake rack is likely to knock her out. She’ll come to (giggity) and start jumping again…knock herself out….come to….start jumping. Lather, rinse, repeat.
06
But Where are the Seagulls?
Fashion, put it all on me don’t you wanna see these clothes on me. At first horrid glance, I assumed that Heidi and Spencer were filming a new and wonderful music video whilst on the beach in CA the other day. Alas, they weren’t. Spencer Pratt is trying to get Heidi Montag’s ass (which at present time is the only real thing on her body) into shape. He was quite the gentleman by holding the umbrella over her head as she lifted weights, did squats, and proceeded to run on the beach.
My favorite photo is the first one where Heidi is doing her best “Superstar!” impersonation. These two are an f’n joke. Who wears a hot-pink J Lo jumper when working out? She’s that douche that’s at the gym that is all dressed up with a full face of makeup and lifting 1lb dumb-bells while walking at a 3.5 pace on the treadmill. I mean, I’ve been to the gym only one time, but that one time I say a girl like that. Anyscript, Heidi is that girl.
I miss the seagulls 
05
Hey, Little Impressionable Girls of America, Don’t Worry….No Talent Needed. Apply Within!
No folks, your hungover eyes are not playing tricks on you. The pictures above are actually of two separate people. First, we have the talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Heidi Montag. She was also on a reality show on MTV. Second, we have a talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Ashlee Simpson. She was also on a reality show on MTV. See the difference?
22
Douche Bags! They’re Just Like Us!
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to write creepy comic-strip jokes in the Sunday paper. A normal Sunday paper would never hire me, so I’ve decided to write my own “Hills Comic Strip.” Clearly I have a knack for cheesy jokes and, well, Heidi and Steve Sanders basically write this crap themselves.
05
Funny, This is What I Always Assumed Heidi’s Vaginastein Looked Like
These two can officially kill themselves. I am now giving them permission to do so. Heidi, her new chin, new boobs, new nose, and Steve Sanders filmed riveting scenes for upcoming episodes of this show they’re on. That show is called “The Hills.” Apparently it’s been on for a while.
24
I Now Pronounce You "Mr and Mrs. Santa Pubes." You May Kiss Us Weekly.
Let me just say that I’ve probably taken 4 days off from the blog in the past 2 years. Of course, of course, I would take the day off when Heidi, her new chin, her new boobs, her new nose, her fake hair, would marry Spencer/Steve Sanders and his Santa pubes. Of course I would not find out about this until the end of the day.www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
21
And You Know That the Security Machine Beeped Every Time Heidi Walked Through!
Heidi and Steve Sanders were heading out of LAX to an unknown destination. I’m assuming they’re flying to Crested Butte so that they can cook up and eat Heidi’s horse for Thanksgiving just like the Pilgrims did in 1492. Perhaps my math is wrong.
10
IBBB Exclusive! Guess Who Found a Copy of Heidi’s Resume????
Clearly well qualified for any office job.
