More Mindless Stories on ‘heidi montag’
09
Man With Santa Pubes Beard Attacks Lifelike Q-Tip?
Oh wait, cancel the call to the police. A life-like Q-Tip is actually one Ms Heidi Montag and the man with the Santa pubes beard is actual one Mr. Santa Pubes Pratt. I was wondering why the paparazzi wasn’t doing anything?! Heidi and Steve Sanders continued their “We’re Going to Burn in Hell One Day” victory tour around Robertson Blvd for some much needed camera time and then ended up at a mattress store in which the two used-douche-bags hopped on a bed and played like children with rabies.
I like how that the more time that passes, the more that Heidi is starting to look like Cousin It. At this point she’s basically like a wig hanging on a broomstick….and as talented! Steve Sanders, too, is starting to just turn into a hairball. They better be careful if they’re ever around Heidi’s horse in Crested Butte. I don’t want that precious horse coughing up hair….before it gets slaughtered to make glue. Just sayin’.
11
So a Horse Wearing a Wig Trots Into a Store….
Heidi Montag put on her biggest tightest cuffed jeans and trotted her horse ass on a little shopping spree at Elyse Walker the other day in sunny LA. It’s so odd how every store that Heidi trots into allows the paparazzi to come on in too. That’s nice of them. Usually the paparazzi are forced to stay outside, but not when Heidi Montag is involved. I bet she could solve that pesky Middle East crisis all with a touch of her chin.
Does anyone else think that Heidi is going to rot in hell? No really, anyone? Because I do. I mean, I’m sure to see her there, but she’s totally going to be there. I bet her hell will consist of blond weaves that are placed just a little bit to high for her to reach and she’ll spend eternity jumping and trying to reach them. Whilst doing this her fake rack is likely to knock her out. She’ll come to (giggity) and start jumping again…knock herself out….come to….start jumping. Lather, rinse, repeat.
06
But Where are the Seagulls?
Fashion, put it all on me don’t you wanna see these clothes on me. At first horrid glance, I assumed that Heidi and Spencer were filming a new and wonderful music video whilst on the beach in CA the other day. Alas, they weren’t. Spencer Pratt is trying to get Heidi Montag’s ass (which at present time is the only real thing on her body) into shape. He was quite the gentleman by holding the umbrella over her head as she lifted weights, did squats, and proceeded to run on the beach.
My favorite photo is the first one where Heidi is doing her best “Superstar!” impersonation. These two are an f’n joke. Who wears a hot-pink J Lo jumper when working out? She’s that douche that’s at the gym that is all dressed up with a full face of makeup and lifting 1lb dumb-bells while walking at a 3.5 pace on the treadmill. I mean, I’ve been to the gym only one time, but that one time I say a girl like that. Anyscript, Heidi is that girl.
I miss the seagulls 
05
Hey, Little Impressionable Girls of America, Don’t Worry….No Talent Needed. Apply Within!
No folks, your hungover eyes are not playing tricks on you. The pictures above are actually of two separate people. First, we have the talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Heidi Montag. She was also on a reality show on MTV. Second, we have a talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Ashlee Simpson. She was also on a reality show on MTV. See the difference?
22
Douche Bags! They’re Just Like Us!
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to write creepy comic-strip jokes in the Sunday paper. A normal Sunday paper would never hire me, so I’ve decided to write my own “Hills Comic Strip.” Clearly I have a knack for cheesy jokes and, well, Heidi and Steve Sanders basically write this crap themselves.
05
Funny, This is What I Always Assumed Heidi’s Vaginastein Looked Like
These two can officially kill themselves. I am now giving them permission to do so. Heidi, her new chin, new boobs, new nose, and Steve Sanders filmed riveting scenes for upcoming episodes of this show they’re on. That show is called “The Hills.” Apparently it’s been on for a while.
24
I Now Pronounce You "Mr and Mrs. Santa Pubes." You May Kiss Us Weekly.
Let me just say that I’ve probably taken 4 days off from the blog in the past 2 years. Of course, of course, I would take the day off when Heidi, her new chin, her new boobs, her new nose, her fake hair, would marry Spencer/Steve Sanders and his Santa pubes. Of course I would not find out about this until the end of the day.www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
21
And You Know That the Security Machine Beeped Every Time Heidi Walked Through!
Heidi and Steve Sanders were heading out of LAX to an unknown destination. I’m assuming they’re flying to Crested Butte so that they can cook up and eat Heidi’s horse for Thanksgiving just like the Pilgrims did in 1492. Perhaps my math is wrong.
10
IBBB Exclusive! Guess Who Found a Copy of Heidi’s Resume????
Clearly well qualified for any office job.
07
Dear Heidi, Welcome to Your Future!
Dear Heidi,
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
04
It’s Voting Day! Make a Difference in What Really Matters…
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
31
This Time Last Year: Heidi, the Fugly Mermaid
Happy Halloween and welcome back to everyones favorite lazy segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to do on a Friday. Here’s what was going on with Heidi and Spencer’s Halloween costumes…this time last year…
I wanna be where the chins are. I wanna see, wanna see Heidi dancing. Walking around with those -what do you call ‘em? Oh – fake boobs! Flippin your nose, you don’t get too far. Talent is required for singing, dancing. Up where she walks, up where she runs. Up where she sells-out all day in the sun. Talent free. Wish I could be, part of her world!
Bonus points if you got any of that. Heidi and Steve Sanders got their Halloween costumes off the rack in the Halloween aisle at Walgreens. I can almost smell the plastic and felt from here and I’m not even talking about Heidi’s nose and boobs. Oh! Stop me if you heard this!
Heidi looks simply beautiful with her little mermaid outfit and Steve Sanders looks like the real spiderman! It really is a special day. I mean, Steve Sanders clearly permed his hair for his costume and Heidi clearly washed up on shore for her Halloween costume. The saddest part? At some point these two both looked in the mirror and said, “Perfect. Let’s go.”
24
Stop Teasing Us and Just Use the Gun Already!
First of all if you’re not going to play “Murder/Suicide” than I don’t want to see these pictures. Second of all, I don’t care why these pictures were actually taken…there is no part of me that believes that Heidi Montag can read more than 4 words (boobs, nose, chin, lips). Third of all, I’m waiting for the pictures in which Spencer/Steve Sanders finishes that 6 pack of WhiteTrasheiser bottles and pummels the ever living pee pee out of Chin Montag.
16
Heidi Montag Before and After. Just Because.
The other day an IBBB reader asked me to show a little “before and after” of our beloved Heidi Montard. It looks like fame can really change you. Well, that an a surgical knife. Well, a surgical knife and selling your soul to the devil. Well, a surgical knife, selling your soul to the devil, and being white trash with new money. Well, a surgical knife, selling your soul to the devil, being white trash with new money, and having people around you convincing you that you can actually sing and dance.
15
Are Lauren and Heidi Friends Again? Check the Script.
According to Us Weekly, who seems to blow The Hills on a daily basis, they are reporting today that Lauren and Heidi may have reconciled and become friends again. You see, Lauren was at STK restaurant in LA last night celebrating her runway show with family and friends for LA fashion week. At the same time, through the absolute grace of Jesus Claus and Santa Christ Heidi and Steve Sanders were at STK too. Imagine the likelihood of that?!
Heidi spotted Lauren (she probably noticed all the lines under Lauren’s eyes as a way to identify her) and asked someone if she could congratulate Lauren on her tacky clothing line.
Lauren and Heidi (and her chin) then had a brief heart-to-heart and then were seen hugging. Personally, I think it was just Lauren’s attempt to try and pop Heidi’s new boobs, but that’s just my theory.
Later, Heidi and Steve Sanders left STK probably so that Steve Sanders could brush his Santa pubes back on the set of The Hills.
Looks like that very well-written letter by Heidi may have paid off!
