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More Mindless Stories on ‘heidi montag’

Jan
14

Heidi Montag Addicted to Plastic Surgery. In Other News, the Terrorists are Still Trying To Kill Us.

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Heidi Montag, the Kim Zolciak of our future, is gracing (puke/punch self in own nuts) the cover of People Magazine.  Had it not been for the her name on the cover you may have not known it was Heidi.  Perhaps you thought it was her horse from Crested Butte? Perhaps you thought it was a carpenter ant mating with a lollipop?  Perhaps you thought it was the blond dude from Dancing With the Stars.  It doesn’t matter which one.

In the new issue of Multiple Persons Magazine, Heidi Montag talks about her 10 surgeries she had in just one day.  How many times can you replace your chin and nose?  Obviously multiple times.  Here are just some of the things that Heidi claims she’s had done:

  • Nose Job
  • Chin (cough) Reduction (cough)
  • Eyebrow Lift
  • Botox (forehead and frown-lines)
  • Fat Injections in Cheeks and Lips (non vagina)
  • Liposuction (neck)
  • Ears Pinned Back
  • Liposuction Again (waist, hips, inner thighs)
  • Buttock Augmentation
  • Breast Augmentation and Lift
  • Ding! Ding! Ding!  Tell ‘em what she’s won, Johnny?!  Well, after having her plastic surgery card stamped 10 times she’s getting a free procedure!  Heidi Montag, congratulations because you’ve just won….new elbows!  Applause, applause, applause!

    I only have 3 words for Heidi Montag.  You will be burning in the fiery pits of hell.

    Oct
    27

    With the Heat in LA, I’m Sure Heidi’s Outfit Smells Like the Basement of a Church

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    Ah yes, two of America’s sweethearts, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag, filmed scenes for an upcoming episode of this little show known as “The Hills” in LA yesterday.  Audrina, playing the role of the beaver-toofed-dead-eyed whore stands and listens to Heidi as the cameras roll.  I will only assume that Heidi is telling her that she is so desperate to have a baby that she’s now just walking the streets dressed like a whore and waiting for the dicks to magically appear and knock her up. 

    Why do I have a feeling that she got the leather pants and leather boots from the mother of the little boy who “lives” next door to Heidi and Spencer? Also, Heidi looks like an albino.  Ok, that’ll be all.

     

    I hope

    Apr
    27

    Heidi Reads Her Lines While Driving Away from the Church

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    Heidi looks like she’s trying to perform long-division on her hand and Spencer lets us know just how small is penis actually is.  I think it’s great that they can fit an entire portion of the script directly on Heidi’s hand.  I guess it makes sense since 20 out of the 22 minutes of the actual show is just facial expressions.  And, well, it pretty much looks like Heidi is perfecting her facial expression entitled “Caught from Behind.”  She’s easy, breezy, beautiful, horselike….Covergirl.

    Apr
    27

    If Brent Bolhouse Didn’t Ever Want to Be Around Spencer, He Probably Shouldn’t Have Gone to Their Wedding and Stood in the Front Row

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    It’s fun to play “Where’s Waldo” with past cast members of The Hills at Heidi and Steve Sanders wedding.  This time around I spotted Brent Bolthouse, who kinda looks like Waldo.  I also thought that Brent told Heidi he didn’t  ever want to be around Spencer again?  I’m pretty sure his odds increase of seeing Spencer at, oh I don’t know, Spencer’s wedding. 

    P.S –> Who throws their bouquette on the front stairs of the church?  Scripted rumor has it that Kristin Cavallari caught the bouquette (and possibly some weave tracks).

    P.P.S –> Do you think they’ll place Heidi’s dress in the Smithsonian in Washington DC?  They should at least place her dress or head there. 

    Apr
    27

    A Lot of Troll Dolls Had to Die For This….

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    Well it looks like all fences have been mended and 16 pounds of troll doll hair were ordered and hot-glue-gunned to the head of Heidi and crew.  Past reports that Heidi and her horse from Crested Butte trotted down the aisle together have turned up false as you can see from the above photo. With a cowboy hat and one of those 1980’s shoelace ties, Heidi’s dad (??) pushedwalked her down the aisle. I’d love to see a close up of him so I can finally place blame on the nose and chin.  If these further developments arise, I will report back and by “report back” I really mean “probably won’t.”

    Apr
    27

    It Finally Happened. Heidi’s Lips Have Exploded.

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    I KNEW Heidi’s lips were just filled with custard, I knew it!  I’ve decided that today will “Scripted Hills Wedding Day” and because I wasn’t there to recap it, I will bring this d-bag wedding to life on this here d-bag blog. 

    On a similar note, IBBB is predicting that in about 7 more years Heidi will be appearing in similar photos with junk all over her face.  Times will be tough and she’ll have to find a way to make ends meet.

    Apr
    09

    Man With Santa Pubes Beard Attacks Lifelike Q-Tip?

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    Oh wait, cancel the call to the police.  A life-like Q-Tip is actually one Ms Heidi Montag and the man with the Santa pubes beard is actual one Mr. Santa Pubes Pratt.  I was wondering why the paparazzi wasn’t doing anything?!  Heidi and Steve Sanders continued their “We’re Going to Burn in Hell One Day” victory tour around Robertson Blvd for some much needed camera time and then ended up at a mattress store in which the two used-douche-bags hopped on a bed and played like children with rabies.

    I like how that the more time that passes, the more that Heidi is starting to look like Cousin It.  At this point she’s basically like a wig hanging on a broomstick….and as talented! Steve Sanders, too, is starting to just turn into a hairball.  They better be careful if they’re ever around Heidi’s horse in Crested Butte.  I don’t want that precious horse coughing up hair….before it gets slaughtered to make glue.  Just sayin’.

    Feb
    11

    So a Horse Wearing a Wig Trots Into a Store….

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    Heidi Montag put on her biggest tightest cuffed jeans and trotted her horse ass on a little shopping spree at Elyse Walker the other day in sunny LA.  It’s so odd how every store that Heidi trots into allows the paparazzi to come on in too. That’s nice of them.  Usually the paparazzi are forced to stay outside, but not when Heidi Montag is involved.  I bet she could solve that pesky Middle East crisis all with a touch of her chin.

    Does anyone else think that Heidi is going to rot in hell?  No really, anyone?  Because I do.  I mean, I’m sure to see her there, but she’s totally going to be there.  I bet her hell will consist of blond weaves that are placed just a little bit to high for her to reach and she’ll spend eternity jumping and trying to reach them.  Whilst doing this her fake rack is likely to knock her out.  She’ll come to (giggity) and start jumping again…knock herself out….come to….start jumping.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

    Feb
    06

    But Where are the Seagulls?

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    Fashion, put it all on me don’t you wanna see these clothes on me.  At first horrid glance, I assumed that Heidi and Spencer were filming a new and wonderful music video whilst on the beach in CA the other day.  Alas, they weren’t.  Spencer Pratt is trying to get Heidi Montag’s ass (which at present time is the only real thing on her body) into shape.  He was quite the gentleman by holding the umbrella over her head as she lifted weights, did squats, and proceeded to run on the beach.

    My favorite photo is the first one where Heidi is doing her best “Superstar!” impersonation.  These two are an f’n joke.  Who wears a hot-pink J Lo jumper when working out?  She’s that douche that’s at the gym that is all dressed up with a full face of makeup and lifting 1lb dumb-bells while walking at a 3.5 pace on the treadmill.  I mean, I’ve been to the gym only one time, but that one time I say a girl like that.  Anyscript, Heidi is that girl.

    I miss the seagulls :oops:

    Jan
    05

    Hey, Little Impressionable Girls of America, Don’t Worry….No Talent Needed. Apply Within!


    No folks, your hungover eyes are not playing tricks on you. The pictures above are actually of two separate people. First, we have the talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Heidi Montag. She was also on a reality show on MTV. Second, we have a talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Ashlee Simpson. She was also on a reality show on MTV. See the difference?

    Both Ashlee and Heidi were the “big stars” at Pure Nightclub inside of Caesars Palace in Las Vegas (baby) for the New Years Eve party. What joy. Seeing these two together makes me want to reinforce to the little girls of America (and possibly even parts of Canada) that anyone can make anything of themselves, even without the talent. All you need is either a semi-famous sibling or a reality show with low morals. Live that American Dream!
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    Dec
    22

    Douche Bags! They’re Just Like Us!

    I’ve always wondered what it would be like to write creepy comic-strip jokes in the Sunday paper. A normal Sunday paper would never hire me, so I’ve decided to write my own “Hills Comic Strip.” Clearly I have a knack for cheesy jokes and, well, Heidi and Steve Sanders basically write this crap themselves.

    IBBB can now check this off his list. Only 23,426 more things left to do!
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    Dec
    05

    Funny, This is What I Always Assumed Heidi’s Vaginastein Looked Like


    These two can officially kill themselves. I am now giving them permission to do so. Heidi, her new chin, new boobs, new nose, and Steve Sanders filmed riveting scenes for upcoming episodes of this show they’re on. That show is called “The Hills.” Apparently it’s been on for a while.

    Whilst the two frolic on the beaches of Mexico I can’t but help to be reminded of a simpler time when Heidi was running on the beach with her arms flailing all about (ideal for the Hokey Pokey) chasing seagulls who were probably infested with rabies. Maybe it was Heidi that had the rabies. Either way someone or something had rabies and I was happier back then.

    Nov
    24

    I Now Pronounce You "Mr and Mrs. Santa Pubes." You May Kiss Us Weekly.

    Let me just say that I’ve probably taken 4 days off from the blog in the past 2 years. Of course, of course, I would take the day off when Heidi, her new chin, her new boobs, her new nose, her fake hair, would marry Spencer/Steve Sanders and his Santa pubes. Of course I would not find out about this until the end of the day.
    I just have 2 words for Heidi and Steve Sanders. “Thanks for inviting me to the secret wedding. I’m sure Us Weekly was there, on their knees, filming the whole thing and holding the cue cards.”
    Anychin, the two natural blonds eloped in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on November 20th. I wonder if Frankie Delgado let them get married in his backyard?
    By the way, here is what Steve Sanders vows were: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”
    Mmmm sweet. I’m pretty sure “you are the light in my life” is the name of a song. I’m pretty sure “…makes me want to be a better person” was from that Jack Nicholson/Helen Hunt movie. And I’m pretty sure that “I feel complete” was also from a late 90’s movie.
    No word yet on what Heidi’s vows were, but rumor has it Heidi said something along the lines of “Ow Spencer! Get your hand out of my ass….it hurts when I talk.” I’m trying to get that verified.
    Darlene Montag was not at the wedding and was not supportive of it. When Heidi called to give her a heads up, Darlene thought she was calling to tell her they had broken up. Oh snap! Hopefully Darlene will get revenge by shooting Heidi’s horse on Main Street of Crested Butte.

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    Source It Up!

    Nov
    21

    And You Know That the Security Machine Beeped Every Time Heidi Walked Through!

    Heidi and Steve Sanders were heading out of LAX to an unknown destination. I’m assuming they’re flying to Crested Butte so that they can cook up and eat Heidi’s horse for Thanksgiving just like the Pilgrims did in 1492. Perhaps my math is wrong.

    Anyway, I wonder how many times the security machine beeped when Heidi walked through? I mean, you can take off your belt and remove the change from your pockets, but I don’t think it’s as easy to remove your new chin, nose, and boobs right there whilst you’re in line.

    As a side note, aren’t you supposed to take off your shoes when walking through security? Is this a real airport or is this like a “Hills airport?” Ugh. It’s probably the same set they use for Stephanie Pratt’s apartment.

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    Nov
    10

    IBBB Exclusive! Guess Who Found a Copy of Heidi’s Resume????

    Clearly well qualified for any office job.

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