More Mindless Stories on ‘heidi montag’
04
Apparently Where Darlene Montag Lives There are No TVs or Magazines…and She’s Missing Her Eyes.
Nothing quite says “family reunion” like an MTV camera crew to capture the look on your face when you first lay eyes on your daughter who mutilated her face all in the name of “show business.” For some reason, Us Weekly stopped blowing Heidi and Spencer and now People Magazine has taken to their knees to report, exclusively, on all things related to Heidi Montag’s new face.
Heidi headed (pun sorta intended) to Crested Butte to slap her horse in the ass and visit her mom, Darlene Montag, for the first time since karma did a real number on her face and part of her body. Heidi told People Magazine, “I was nervous, but also excited … I never thought in my wildest dreams she was going to react the way she did. She was looking at me almost like a zoo animal. It wasn’t like I was her daughter anymore. She was looking at me like I was a circus freak.”
Darlene was probably looking at Heidi like she was her long lost son who fled the country in 1999 to become a post-op transsexual…who then made love to a circus freak and a zoo animal all whilst getting slapped in the face with Silly Putty and Leprechaun hats. So, yeah, that’s probably what she was looking at.
Heidi lifelessly continued, “I think she was most upset that Spencer was there for me and she wasn’t. She was saying how sad it is that my confidence is gone because of the music industry I’m trying to get into.” If the music industry she’s referring to is in regards to a Meow Mix remix jingle then, yeah, I get it.
You can watch the script unfold on the upcoming season of The Hills.
02
Guess Who Saw Their Shadow????
Sorry to bring the bad news so early in the morning, but unfortunately the Monthog did, in fact, see its shadow. So you know what that means? Six more plastic surgery procedures! Sweet! We may be battling off winter for the next 3 months, but the Monthog has it worst as it’ll be fighting off its youth over the next three months.
26
Heidi Montag’s New Boobs: A Shelter for Enzo?
Shhhhhhh! Be very very quiet. We are all very lucky to be this close to the Montag Monster in her natural habitat. She lurks close to the ground and tries to hypnotize you with her new DDD boobs and blank stares. Not to be confused with her similar mating call, the Montag Monster positions her crotch to the sky in thanks and appreciation to the plastic surgeon gods who have blessed the beast with brand new body parts so that she can more easily devour and destroy her prey. As you can see she has quickly attracted a Katherine McPhee lookalike who has also roamed out from the woods and has positioned herself directly next to the Montag Monster. She tries to remain camouflaged in her 2002 Jessica Simpson blanket-shawl and matching hat but she is no match for the Montag Monster who will, in the end, knock her down to the ground with her newly shaved chin and suffocate her with her ginormous beast-like knockers. If the Montag Monster was able to move its face, we would see a possible satisfied smile once she captures her prey, but we should all be relieved as the beast has been pulled so tight a simple smile would likely blow her ass off.
Anyway, the girl formally known as Heidi Montag was out with her yoga instructor doing “exercises” with camera crew in hand in LA the other day. Heidi is trying to get her body back into fighting shape so she can ready herself for the next round of surgeries: Thorax and Abdomen.
Let’s Be Facebook Friends For Life!
21
Heidi Montag Plastic Surgery Photos: An Open Discussion
I’ve had a few days for the Heidi Montag post plastic surgery pictures to settle into my barely there mind. I’d like to go on record saying that I actually do not think that she had as many procedures as she claims and believe this is all just another publicity stunt for an upcoming book and/or show for Heidi and Steve Sanders (Spencer Pratt). However, if this is the real deal I actually feel sad for her, as she’s dumber than Audrina which, in all reality, is no small feat.
Heidi doesn’t look like she had that many procedure done to her face as it just looks like Botox exploded all over it. Although, I’m sure Heidi is used to getting sprayed in the face. Sure she can’t move a muscle in her head, but as long as she can keep on reading her lines for The Hills, we all win. Heidi is also claiming that her boobs are now a size DDD and closer to an F, which on her small frame should make her automatically added to the “No Fly” list by the government. Heidi, dead-behind-the-eyes, says she wants her boobs to be a size “H” because “H” is for “Heidi.” Seriously, someone toss a 5150 on this train-wreck.
According to my friends over at Access Hollywood, Heidi has said:
“I almost died after my procedure. I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. [I was] in an aftercare center, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times. So thank God, Charles, one of my security guys used to be an EMT, and he was timing my breath on his watch and he called the nurses and they had to put oxygen on my face and called my plastic surgeon to come in for an emergency. So, it was a very traumatic experience for me.”
Heidi continued to spew:
“I’m starting to move my face more and more, [But,] I feel very plastic… especially when I first came out, it was so hard for me even to smile and it’s still hard for me to chew sometimes. But it’s feeling more and more natural everyday because the swelling is going down.”
Honestly, it’s almost like Heidi isn’t joking anymore and these words she says are actually serious. Again, I think this is all a publicity stunt (that I may be falling for) as I really can’t imagine someone who is 23 years old doing all these things and then going on a press tour to talk about it. Sad, yet funny, yet sad all at the same time.
What do you all think? Publicity stunt or legit that crazy?
14
Heidi Montag Addicted to Plastic Surgery. In Other News, the Terrorists are Still Trying To Kill Us.
Heidi Montag, the Kim Zolciak of our future, is gracing (puke/punch self in own nuts) the cover of People Magazine. Had it not been for the her name on the cover you may have not known it was Heidi. Perhaps you thought it was her horse from Crested Butte? Perhaps you thought it was a carpenter ant mating with a lollipop? Perhaps you thought it was the blond dude from Dancing With the Stars. It doesn’t matter which one.
In the new issue of Multiple Persons Magazine, Heidi Montag talks about her 10 surgeries she had in just one day. How many times can you replace your chin and nose? Obviously multiple times. Here are just some of the things that Heidi claims she’s had done:
Ding! Ding! Ding! Tell ‘em what she’s won, Johnny?! Well, after having her plastic surgery card stamped 10 times she’s getting a free procedure! Heidi Montag, congratulations because you’ve just won….new elbows! Applause, applause, applause!
I only have 3 words for Heidi Montag. You will be burning in the fiery pits of hell.
27
With the Heat in LA, I’m Sure Heidi’s Outfit Smells Like the Basement of a Church
Ah yes, two of America’s sweethearts, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag, filmed scenes for an upcoming episode of this little show known as “The Hills” in LA yesterday. Audrina, playing the role of the beaver-toofed-dead-eyed whore stands and listens to Heidi as the cameras roll. I will only assume that Heidi is telling her that she is so desperate to have a baby that she’s now just walking the streets dressed like a whore and waiting for the dicks to magically appear and knock her up.
Why do I have a feeling that she got the leather pants and leather boots from the mother of the little boy who “lives” next door to Heidi and Spencer? Also, Heidi looks like an albino. Ok, that’ll be all.
I hope
27
Heidi Reads Her Lines While Driving Away from the Church
Heidi looks like she’s trying to perform long-division on her hand and Spencer lets us know just how small is penis actually is. I think it’s great that they can fit an entire portion of the script directly on Heidi’s hand. I guess it makes sense since 20 out of the 22 minutes of the actual show is just facial expressions. And, well, it pretty much looks like Heidi is perfecting her facial expression entitled “Caught from Behind.” She’s easy, breezy, beautiful, horselike….Covergirl.
27
If Brent Bolhouse Didn’t Ever Want to Be Around Spencer, He Probably Shouldn’t Have Gone to Their Wedding and Stood in the Front Row
It’s fun to play “Where’s Waldo” with past cast members of The Hills at Heidi and Steve Sanders wedding. This time around I spotted Brent Bolthouse, who kinda looks like Waldo. I also thought that Brent told Heidi he didn’t ever want to be around Spencer again? I’m pretty sure his odds increase of seeing Spencer at, oh I don’t know, Spencer’s wedding.
P.S –> Who throws their bouquette on the front stairs of the church? Scripted rumor has it that Kristin Cavallari caught the bouquette (and possibly some weave tracks).
P.P.S –> Do you think they’ll place Heidi’s dress in the Smithsonian in Washington DC? They should at least place her dress or head there.
27
A Lot of Troll Dolls Had to Die For This….
Well it looks like all fences have been mended and 16 pounds of troll doll hair were ordered and hot-glue-gunned to the head of Heidi and crew. Past reports that Heidi and her horse from Crested Butte trotted down the aisle together have turned up false as you can see from the above photo. With a cowboy hat and one of those 1980’s shoelace ties, Heidi’s dad (??) pushedwalked her down the aisle. I’d love to see a close up of him so I can finally place blame on the nose and chin. If these further developments arise, I will report back and by “report back” I really mean “probably won’t.”
27
It Finally Happened. Heidi’s Lips Have Exploded.
I KNEW Heidi’s lips were just filled with custard, I knew it! I’ve decided that today will “Scripted Hills Wedding Day” and because I wasn’t there to recap it, I will bring this d-bag wedding to life on this here d-bag blog.
On a similar note, IBBB is predicting that in about 7 more years Heidi will be appearing in similar photos with junk all over her face. Times will be tough and she’ll have to find a way to make ends meet.
09
Man With Santa Pubes Beard Attacks Lifelike Q-Tip?
Oh wait, cancel the call to the police. A life-like Q-Tip is actually one Ms Heidi Montag and the man with the Santa pubes beard is actual one Mr. Santa Pubes Pratt. I was wondering why the paparazzi wasn’t doing anything?! Heidi and Steve Sanders continued their “We’re Going to Burn in Hell One Day” victory tour around Robertson Blvd for some much needed camera time and then ended up at a mattress store in which the two used-douche-bags hopped on a bed and played like children with rabies.
I like how that the more time that passes, the more that Heidi is starting to look like Cousin It. At this point she’s basically like a wig hanging on a broomstick….and as talented! Steve Sanders, too, is starting to just turn into a hairball. They better be careful if they’re ever around Heidi’s horse in Crested Butte. I don’t want that precious horse coughing up hair….before it gets slaughtered to make glue. Just sayin’.
11
So a Horse Wearing a Wig Trots Into a Store….
Heidi Montag put on her biggest tightest cuffed jeans and trotted her horse ass on a little shopping spree at Elyse Walker the other day in sunny LA. It’s so odd how every store that Heidi trots into allows the paparazzi to come on in too. That’s nice of them. Usually the paparazzi are forced to stay outside, but not when Heidi Montag is involved. I bet she could solve that pesky Middle East crisis all with a touch of her chin.
Does anyone else think that Heidi is going to rot in hell? No really, anyone? Because I do. I mean, I’m sure to see her there, but she’s totally going to be there. I bet her hell will consist of blond weaves that are placed just a little bit to high for her to reach and she’ll spend eternity jumping and trying to reach them. Whilst doing this her fake rack is likely to knock her out. She’ll come to (giggity) and start jumping again…knock herself out….come to….start jumping. Lather, rinse, repeat.
06
But Where are the Seagulls?
Fashion, put it all on me don’t you wanna see these clothes on me. At first horrid glance, I assumed that Heidi and Spencer were filming a new and wonderful music video whilst on the beach in CA the other day. Alas, they weren’t. Spencer Pratt is trying to get Heidi Montag’s ass (which at present time is the only real thing on her body) into shape. He was quite the gentleman by holding the umbrella over her head as she lifted weights, did squats, and proceeded to run on the beach.
My favorite photo is the first one where Heidi is doing her best “Superstar!” impersonation. These two are an f’n joke. Who wears a hot-pink J Lo jumper when working out? She’s that douche that’s at the gym that is all dressed up with a full face of makeup and lifting 1lb dumb-bells while walking at a 3.5 pace on the treadmill. I mean, I’ve been to the gym only one time, but that one time I say a girl like that. Anyscript, Heidi is that girl.
I miss the seagulls 
05
Hey, Little Impressionable Girls of America, Don’t Worry….No Talent Needed. Apply Within!
No folks, your hungover eyes are not playing tricks on you. The pictures above are actually of two separate people. First, we have the talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Heidi Montag. She was also on a reality show on MTV. Second, we have a talented singer with a new nose, new chin, and new boobs. Her name is Ashlee Simpson. She was also on a reality show on MTV. See the difference?
22
Douche Bags! They’re Just Like Us!
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to write creepy comic-strip jokes in the Sunday paper. A normal Sunday paper would never hire me, so I’ve decided to write my own “Hills Comic Strip.” Clearly I have a knack for cheesy jokes and, well, Heidi and Steve Sanders basically write this crap themselves.
