More Mindless Stories on ‘heidi montag’
30
Who Gets Custody of Enzo?
I swear to God if Enzo gets neglected and is forced to live with his real family I’m going to be pissed! And by “pissed” I really mean, “I couldn’t care less if he’s shipped back home to his native country of San Diego.”
As a way to stay in the news and try to steal Gary Coleman’s “death thunder” Heidi Montag (aka The Montag Monster) has announced through her underpaid publicist that she has left Spencer Pratt/Steve Sanders and will be moving in with Jenn Bunney in a Malibu Beach house and will start filming a new reality show this July that centers around being single and having plastic surgery. I thought that show was already on and was called “The Hills” but perhaps I’m wrong.
According to the meth-mouths over at TMZ, Heidi is telling a secret source (the paparazzi and anyone who will listen) that she left Spencer because of his controlling ways and keeping her isolated from her family and friends. Heidi, the Cybil Shepard of our generation, finally had enough when Spencer called the cops on Heidi’s mother, Darlene, after she surprise visited them at their Hollywood Hills home and refused to leave.
I’m not sure how true any of this is or how much it may just be a publicity stunt for Heidi’s new show but there is one thing I know for sure….Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, and Jenn Bunney will all be burning in the fiery pits of hell for all of eternity and you know what? I’m going to be there too with an iced coffee in one hand and recapping their experience each and every day because that, my friends, is my personal hell.
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24
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: The Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers of Our Generation
Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers were on Oprah this past Friday singing “Islands in the Stream” and it really got me to thinking. Truly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really are the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers of our generation. Therefore I thought I’d change around some the lyrics to “Islands in the Stream” so that they were more fitting for Heidi and Spencer. Sing along with me, will you? And a 1 and a 2 and a 1, 2 3…
Chin and boobs and teeth,
That is what we are,
Nothing in between,
How can that be wrong,
Sell out with me, in another world,
Heidi’s ugly cry with her mother, ah ah
She got her nose from her father, ah ah.
Heidi when I met you your face was unknown,
I set out to get you some new teeth and new nose,
I was soft inside, I had nothing going on.
Your crystals do something to me that I can’t explain,
My face is so frozen that I feel no pain,
Every beat of my heart,
We’ve got nothin’ else goin’ on.
It’s Enzo party time,
Heidi requires identification,
These two are the worst,
Can’t hold a conversation.
We write the script together ah ah
We play Santa Pubes beard with each other blah blah.
Chin and boobs and teeth,
That is what we are,
Nothing in between,
How can that be wrong,
Sell out with me, in another world,
Heidi’s ugly cry with her mother, ah ah
She got her nose from her father, ah ah.
07
Oh Thank God! Heidi Montag is Getting Bigger Boobs.
Heidi Montag’s Triple G sized breasts are so March 2010. It’s time to spruce up her body again so Heidi is planning on going under the knife once again to make her boobs even bigger. Having said in the past that she wants to get a size “H” for Heidi, it is likely that this is the size she will be pumped up to. I have to admit I almost wish her name was Zelda so that she could get size “Z” boobs and then have to have Spencer walk her around like a wheelbarrow because her boobs will be weighing her down to the ground. I also think it’s a great idea for Heidi to go under the knife again because it’s only a matter of time before one of those times the anesthesia won’t work and she’ll be awake while they’re cutting her open but won’t be able to open her eyes. It’s a numbers game, really. She should get her knees done while she’s at it because they’re starting to look a little faaaaaaaaaaaat.
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14
Britney Spears’ Untouched Photos are No Match for Heidi Montag’s Untouched Photos
It must be opposites day here on planet earth because for some reason, Britney Spears is the sane voice of reason and has decided to release the untouched, unedited, un-photoshopped, un-airbrushed photos from her Candies photo-shoot so that young girls can have a better body image and show them that what they see on the covers of magazines is not real and not attainable. Wow, that’s a turn around for Britney. Good for her.
However, Heidi Montag is not one to be outdone by a fellow “pop star” and I have exclusive photos of Heidi Montag “before and after” from a recent photo-shoot in Las Vegas. I guess most shocking was that I didn’t know she was originally a red head.
12
Well, It’s Official. Sadly, Holly Montag is Officially the Hottest Montag
And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say. It’ like Sophie’s Choice, if her choice was to be forced to choose which of her ugly children was the least ugly. It’s something no one should have to do. However, being a trash bag pioneer, I will have to choose Holly Montag as the hottest Montag (Heidi’s horse in Crested Butte is not technically family). After seeing these pictures of Heidi Montag trying to pose all “sexy like” at a pool in Vegas over the weekend, I will no longer be qualifying Heidi has part of the human race. I’m pretty certain, scientifically speaking, that she is a fem-bot.
Seriously what an F’n shame….and not in the good way. In the bad way. Heidi has completely ruined herself for life. Let’s take a few minutes away from the trainwreck that is Lindsay Lohan and toss a good old fashion “Britney Spears 5150″ on Heidi. She is clearly a danger to herself and to others…especially if she falls in the pool. She could knock out a small family of 4 with one breast.
And why the hell did she get another chin job? If she wanted to look more ladylike perhaps she shouldn’t have chosen Tom Brady’s jaw line. What a shame. And, no joke, her hair actually looks like it’s slowly catching on fire in the hot Vegas sun. It would be like trying to light a Q-tip instead of a cigarette.
I wish Heidi would turn around some more so that I could see some of that “next generation” back scoop surgery that she’s so happy she did. Instead we’re stuck looking at her trying to blow bubbles. Honestly, I’d rather look at Heidi literally blowing Bubbles (Michael Jackson’s pet monkey) then look at this crap. And, not for nothing, but she could have totally gotten an 11th surgery which, of course, would be “knee fat removal.”
Best wishes Heidi.
06
Heidi Montag Can’t Jog Anymore Due to Plastic Surgery. In Related News, I Can’t Eat Anymore When Seeing Pictures of Heidi Montag.
Future Cat Lady, Heidi Montag, headed over to On Air with Ryan Seacrest to talk about, what else, her 10 surgical procedures that were all done on the same day. The conversation took a turn when Heidi began to lifelessly chat about her back surgery, which she referred to as having her “back scooped.” When Ryan Seacrest asked her what having her “back scooped” actually meant Heidi responded “I actually didn’t know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit.”
Uh, great. Why couldn’t Heidi have been the first one to have a “brain scoop” where they just carve out what’s left of her brain a little bit?
Anyway, now that Heidi has an E or F (which I believe stands for Epic Failure) boob size she is no longer able to jog….or apparently run from a burning building so, well, I’m not suggesting anything to anyone…but do what you need to do and lets just let the chips fall where they may.
12
Heidi Montag’s Psychic Better Be the New Cast Member on “The Hills.”
Hey mon! Ya wife’s cheatin’ on ya, mon! Call me now!
I don’t even care if any of the following is true. The fact that Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for $100 million in the same week that Heidi Montag announces she’s faux-fired Steve Sanders/Spencer Pratt from managing her and, instead, hired a psychic to manage her career is, well, making this the best week of 2010 thus far. I’m not even kidding, the world could end tomorrow and I wouldn’t care less.
The newest face of Heidi Montag told People Magazine that she replaced Spencer Pratt as her manager with psychic, Aiden Chase. Heidi lifelessly said without facial expression, “After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams with healer intuitive Aiden Chase, I have officially asked him to become my manager. Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has.”
Is this robot for real? If I were Heidi I’d just give Enzo a Magic 8 Ball and call it a day. And I’m no psychic, but I have a strong premonition that one day when Heidi dies and is standing at the gates of Heaven, Jesus Himself is going to walk up to Heidi and simply say, “Bitch? Were you completely sh*tting me this whole time?”
10
Well It’s Official. Heidi Montag Turned Into Janice from The Muppets.
If there’s one thing that Heidi Montag is good at, it’s comedic acting. And, lucky for us, she’s trying her hand at a little comedy by teaming up with Funny or Die. She pokes fun at herself for being an absolute a-hole for getting all those much-needed-but-should-have-never-been-done surgeries and, in the end, she’s taking a bubble bath and looks like Sandy, the dog from “Annie” when they tried to give him a bath at Daddy Warbuck’s mansion. Spade her while you’re at it.
Check out Heidi on her Funny or Die video below and the guest appearance by Spencer/Steve Sanders who looks pretty much a homeless man with a blowout.
19
Heidi Montag Boob Watch Continues
(Sung to the tune of “Carmen Sandiego”) Where in the world is Heidi’s new booooooobs?
Looking like a straw with two big spitballs stuck in it, Heidi Montag filmed new “scenes” for the upcoming season of “The Hills.” This included having her face look like it was stuck in a typhoon and eating breakfast in Beverly Hills all while cameras rolled.
Now I’m not sure if I’m technically looking at Heidi’s new boobs or if it’s just Spencer Pratt sitting on Heidi’s chest and mooning me. Either way, the bleach that I’ve poured into my eyes should be burning right through the retinas in 3…..2……1…..blind! Thank God!
Seriously she is the worst and the #1 reason why terrorists are lighting their nuts on fire and trying to explode our airplanes. So thanks, Heidi. Because of you I’m afraid to fly and no longer have a love for playing basketball. Hmmph.
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16
Why Do Heidi Montag’s New Boobs Start at Her Shoulders?
Every time I see new pictures of Heidi Montag I always get excited because it’s like playing “Where’s Waldo” but with surgical procedures. Heidi Montag, the Annette Funicello of our generation, was all painful facial expressions while on the red carpet at Pure Nightclub in Vegas the other night. She was accompanied by, of course, Spencer Pratt/Steve Sanders who was eager to show off his new douchlets and his new darker blown out perm. He’s almost got his “Sandy Duncan” look down to a science.
Now I’m not a certified doctor, although I do operate on people for sport, but when you get your 2nd boob job, do they normally start them around your shoulders and then just let them hang? I swear if I didn’t know any better I would have just assumed they shaved Enzo’s head and stuffed him down Heidi’s “sluts wear red” dress.
I miss the old Heidi. Like, the old “old” Heidi. Pre-pre surgery. Her face actually looks like it hurts. I grimace when I look at it. Although ba-da-ba-ba-ba Heidi’s lovin’ it. She told People Magazine, “My favorite part, I think one of them is my chin. I think that’s what I was so excited about.” You wanna know what my favorite part is? My favorite is the part where Heidi burns in hell. That’s my favorite part.
11
Heidi Montag Heading Back to Playboy Because, You Know, You Don’t Buy a New Car Just to Hide It in the Garage
If you’re like me and want to see just exactly what Heidi Montag ordered from the plastic surgeon you just may be in luck! It’s being reported that Heidi, along with her completely dead face, are in talks to make another appearance on the pages of Playboy magazine. If you recall from Heidi’s first Playboy shoot, she remained completely clothed in which she just could have gotten the same outcome from appearing on the cover of TV Guide. This time, however, Heidi may be ready to show the world her rack-attack and possibly even her “gentlemen greeter.” According to some random source, “She is currently speaking with [Playboy photographer] Matthew Rolston [about] a steamy, soapy, shower concept showing her boobs through the shower door.”
“Boobs through the door” is the new “Pants on the Ground.” I think Matthew Rolston should take my idea of the photo above for Heidi’s possible cover. Who’s with me?
Boobs through the door, boobs through the door. Lookin’ like a whore with your boobs through the door.
04
Apparently Where Darlene Montag Lives There are No TVs or Magazines…and She’s Missing Her Eyes.
Nothing quite says “family reunion” like an MTV camera crew to capture the look on your face when you first lay eyes on your daughter who mutilated her face all in the name of “show business.” For some reason, Us Weekly stopped blowing Heidi and Spencer and now People Magazine has taken to their knees to report, exclusively, on all things related to Heidi Montag’s new face.
Heidi headed (pun sorta intended) to Crested Butte to slap her horse in the ass and visit her mom, Darlene Montag, for the first time since karma did a real number on her face and part of her body. Heidi told People Magazine, “I was nervous, but also excited … I never thought in my wildest dreams she was going to react the way she did. She was looking at me almost like a zoo animal. It wasn’t like I was her daughter anymore. She was looking at me like I was a circus freak.”
Darlene was probably looking at Heidi like she was her long lost son who fled the country in 1999 to become a post-op transsexual…who then made love to a circus freak and a zoo animal all whilst getting slapped in the face with Silly Putty and Leprechaun hats. So, yeah, that’s probably what she was looking at.
Heidi lifelessly continued, “I think she was most upset that Spencer was there for me and she wasn’t. She was saying how sad it is that my confidence is gone because of the music industry I’m trying to get into.” If the music industry she’s referring to is in regards to a Meow Mix remix jingle then, yeah, I get it.
You can watch the script unfold on the upcoming season of The Hills.
02
Guess Who Saw Their Shadow????
Sorry to bring the bad news so early in the morning, but unfortunately the Monthog did, in fact, see its shadow. So you know what that means? Six more plastic surgery procedures! Sweet! We may be battling off winter for the next 3 months, but the Monthog has it worst as it’ll be fighting off its youth over the next three months.
26
Heidi Montag’s New Boobs: A Shelter for Enzo?
Shhhhhhh! Be very very quiet. We are all very lucky to be this close to the Montag Monster in her natural habitat. She lurks close to the ground and tries to hypnotize you with her new DDD boobs and blank stares. Not to be confused with her similar mating call, the Montag Monster positions her crotch to the sky in thanks and appreciation to the plastic surgeon gods who have blessed the beast with brand new body parts so that she can more easily devour and destroy her prey. As you can see she has quickly attracted a Katherine McPhee lookalike who has also roamed out from the woods and has positioned herself directly next to the Montag Monster. She tries to remain camouflaged in her 2002 Jessica Simpson blanket-shawl and matching hat but she is no match for the Montag Monster who will, in the end, knock her down to the ground with her newly shaved chin and suffocate her with her ginormous beast-like knockers. If the Montag Monster was able to move its face, we would see a possible satisfied smile once she captures her prey, but we should all be relieved as the beast has been pulled so tight a simple smile would likely blow her ass off.
Anyway, the girl formally known as Heidi Montag was out with her yoga instructor doing “exercises” with camera crew in hand in LA the other day. Heidi is trying to get her body back into fighting shape so she can ready herself for the next round of surgeries: Thorax and Abdomen.
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21
Heidi Montag Plastic Surgery Photos: An Open Discussion
I’ve had a few days for the Heidi Montag post plastic surgery pictures to settle into my barely there mind. I’d like to go on record saying that I actually do not think that she had as many procedures as she claims and believe this is all just another publicity stunt for an upcoming book and/or show for Heidi and Steve Sanders (Spencer Pratt). However, if this is the real deal I actually feel sad for her, as she’s dumber than Audrina which, in all reality, is no small feat.
Heidi doesn’t look like she had that many procedure done to her face as it just looks like Botox exploded all over it. Although, I’m sure Heidi is used to getting sprayed in the face. Sure she can’t move a muscle in her head, but as long as she can keep on reading her lines for The Hills, we all win. Heidi is also claiming that her boobs are now a size DDD and closer to an F, which on her small frame should make her automatically added to the “No Fly” list by the government. Heidi, dead-behind-the-eyes, says she wants her boobs to be a size “H” because “H” is for “Heidi.” Seriously, someone toss a 5150 on this train-wreck.
According to my friends over at Access Hollywood, Heidi has said:
“I almost died after my procedure. I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. [I was] in an aftercare center, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times. So thank God, Charles, one of my security guys used to be an EMT, and he was timing my breath on his watch and he called the nurses and they had to put oxygen on my face and called my plastic surgeon to come in for an emergency. So, it was a very traumatic experience for me.”
Heidi continued to spew:
“I’m starting to move my face more and more, [But,] I feel very plastic… especially when I first came out, it was so hard for me even to smile and it’s still hard for me to chew sometimes. But it’s feeling more and more natural everyday because the swelling is going down.”
Honestly, it’s almost like Heidi isn’t joking anymore and these words she says are actually serious. Again, I think this is all a publicity stunt (that I may be falling for) as I really can’t imagine someone who is 23 years old doing all these things and then going on a press tour to talk about it. Sad, yet funny, yet sad all at the same time.
What do you all think? Publicity stunt or legit that crazy?
