More Mindless Stories on ‘heidi montag’
30
Who Gets Custody of Enzo?
I swear to God if Enzo gets neglected and is forced to live with his real family I’m going to be pissed! And by “pissed” I really mean, “I couldn’t care less if he’s shipped back home to his native country of San Diego.”
As a way to stay in the news and try to steal Gary Coleman’s “death thunder” Heidi Montag (aka The Montag Monster) has announced through her underpaid publicist that she has left Spencer Pratt/Steve Sanders and will be moving in with Jenn Bunney in a Malibu Beach house and will start filming a new reality show this July that centers around being single and having plastic surgery. I thought that show was already on and was called “The Hills” but perhaps I’m wrong.
According to the meth-mouths over at TMZ, Heidi is telling a secret source (the paparazzi and anyone who will listen) that she left Spencer because of his controlling ways and keeping her isolated from her family and friends. Heidi, the Cybil Shepard of our generation, finally had enough when Spencer called the cops on Heidi’s mother, Darlene, after she surprise visited them at their Hollywood Hills home and refused to leave.
I’m not sure how true any of this is or how much it may just be a publicity stunt for Heidi’s new show but there is one thing I know for sure….Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, and Jenn Bunney will all be burning in the fiery pits of hell for all of eternity and you know what? I’m going to be there too with an iced coffee in one hand and recapping their experience each and every day because that, my friends, is my personal hell.
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24
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: The Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers of Our Generation
Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers were on Oprah this past Friday singing “Islands in the Stream” and it really got me to thinking. Truly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really are the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers of our generation. Therefore I thought I’d change around some the lyrics to “Islands in the Stream” so that they were more fitting for Heidi and Spencer. Sing along with me, will you? And a 1 and a 2 and a 1, 2 3…
Chin and boobs and teeth,
That is what we are,
Nothing in between,
How can that be wrong,
Sell out with me, in another world,
Heidi’s ugly cry with her mother, ah ah
She got her nose from her father, ah ah.
Heidi when I met you your face was unknown,
I set out to get you some new teeth and new nose,
I was soft inside, I had nothing going on.
Your crystals do something to me that I can’t explain,
My face is so frozen that I feel no pain,
Every beat of my heart,
We’ve got nothin’ else goin’ on.
It’s Enzo party time,
Heidi requires identification,
These two are the worst,
Can’t hold a conversation.
We write the script together ah ah
We play Santa Pubes beard with each other blah blah.
Chin and boobs and teeth,
That is what we are,
Nothing in between,
How can that be wrong,
Sell out with me, in another world,
Heidi’s ugly cry with her mother, ah ah
She got her nose from her father, ah ah.
07
Oh Thank God! Heidi Montag is Getting Bigger Boobs.
Heidi Montag’s Triple G sized breasts are so March 2010. It’s time to spruce up her body again so Heidi is planning on going under the knife once again to make her boobs even bigger. Having said in the past that she wants to get a size “H” for Heidi, it is likely that this is the size she will be pumped up to. I have to admit I almost wish her name was Zelda so that she could get size “Z” boobs and then have to have Spencer walk her around like a wheelbarrow because her boobs will be weighing her down to the ground. I also think it’s a great idea for Heidi to go under the knife again because it’s only a matter of time before one of those times the anesthesia won’t work and she’ll be awake while they’re cutting her open but won’t be able to open her eyes. It’s a numbers game, really. She should get her knees done while she’s at it because they’re starting to look a little faaaaaaaaaaaat.
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14
Britney Spears’ Untouched Photos are No Match for Heidi Montag’s Untouched Photos
It must be opposites day here on planet earth because for some reason, Britney Spears is the sane voice of reason and has decided to release the untouched, unedited, un-photoshopped, un-airbrushed photos from her Candies photo-shoot so that young girls can have a better body image and show them that what they see on the covers of magazines is not real and not attainable. Wow, that’s a turn around for Britney. Good for her.
However, Heidi Montag is not one to be outdone by a fellow “pop star” and I have exclusive photos of Heidi Montag “before and after” from a recent photo-shoot in Las Vegas. I guess most shocking was that I didn’t know she was originally a red head.
12
Well, It’s Official. Sadly, Holly Montag is Officially the Hottest Montag
And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say. It’ like Sophie’s Choice, if her choice was to be forced to choose which of her ugly children was the least ugly. It’s something no one should have to do. However, being a trash bag pioneer, I will have to choose Holly Montag as the hottest Montag (Heidi’s horse in Crested Butte is not technically family). After seeing these pictures of Heidi Montag trying to pose all “sexy like” at a pool in Vegas over the weekend, I will no longer be qualifying Heidi has part of the human race. I’m pretty certain, scientifically speaking, that she is a fem-bot.
Seriously what an F’n shame….and not in the good way. In the bad way. Heidi has completely ruined herself for life. Let’s take a few minutes away from the trainwreck that is Lindsay Lohan and toss a good old fashion “Britney Spears 5150″ on Heidi. She is clearly a danger to herself and to others…especially if she falls in the pool. She could knock out a small family of 4 with one breast.
And why the hell did she get another chin job? If she wanted to look more ladylike perhaps she shouldn’t have chosen Tom Brady’s jaw line. What a shame. And, no joke, her hair actually looks like it’s slowly catching on fire in the hot Vegas sun. It would be like trying to light a Q-tip instead of a cigarette.
I wish Heidi would turn around some more so that I could see some of that “next generation” back scoop surgery that she’s so happy she did. Instead we’re stuck looking at her trying to blow bubbles. Honestly, I’d rather look at Heidi literally blowing Bubbles (Michael Jackson’s pet monkey) then look at this crap. And, not for nothing, but she could have totally gotten an 11th surgery which, of course, would be “knee fat removal.”
Best wishes Heidi.
