More Mindless Stories on ‘harriet carter’

Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Sleeve Garters

Oh and all of a sudden you’re the Queen of England when it’s time to wash the dishes?  Well excuse me, Your Royal Highness, whilst I genuflect as you scrub caked on carcass off your meatloaf pan.  Introducing “Garter Sleeves.”  Garter Sleeves: Because only animals allow wet cuffs.  So the next time you’re washing Fluffy in the bathtub and really working the mud out of her hoo-ha and you’re wearing your best 1988 Blanche Deveraux blue silk blouse just slap on these “attractive pearl-like beads strung on elastic” so that you look like you’ve just walked off the runway and into your mold-infested bathroom.  Don’t be surprised if you hear your kids asking, “Mommy…I mean “Your Highness” have we won the lottery?”  And your husband questioning, “Honey, did your boyfriend buy you that for Christmas?” Your answers to these questions would, of course be, “I’m not your real Mother” and “No, honey, my girlfriend bought these for me.  Jealous?”

I’m not sure why you even need these pearl-like sleeve pusher-upers, as most real women wash their dishes topless.  I’m talking boobs to the wind.  Just be care not to let your money makers get too close to the garbage disposal or you’re going to need more than sleeve garters to get you out of this jam.  Thanks, Harriet, for making dishes washing not only sexist but stylish too!

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Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Tricks for Nana

Door Exercises for Nana - Who’s ready to trick Nana!?  If you shot your hand up and yelled out “I am, I am!” put your hand down because I can’t hear you.  This is just a website.  Geesh.  Anyway, if times are getting a little stale around your home then why not simply hook up your very own “Futuristic Door Opener.”  Finally an answer to “What has landing on the moon ever got us?”  You and the kids will be squealing with delight when you watch Nana struggle with this advanced pulley system when trying to exit the room.  When her arms fall from exhaustion be sure to keep shouting “Keep it up, Nana, I think I saw it open a little bit!”  To really bring this prank to a whole new level, simply place some fireworks into a metal pot, light them, and start screaming “Hurry Nana, al qaeda is attacking us!”  She’ll have 3 sets of ten reps in under no time!  But don’t just take my suggestions as Gospel, perhaps you have some of your own stunts that you’d like to try out.  Perhaps Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, and Abe Lincoln are currently player a round of poker in the other room and they need a 4^th to complete their game?  Better hurry, Nana, before someone shoots Abe!  Hell, maybe you tell her baby Jessica fell back down that God-damn well and the EMTs need Nana’s wooden bucket to scoop her out in a jiffy before baby Jessica drowns?  I mean, sky is the limit. And what the hell is she smiling about?  Does this look fun to you?  It looks like she might as well be sitting on the electric chair instead of a wooden chair because I’m pretty sure this is capital punishment, you know, in Nana’s world.  I’m also almost certain by the looks of this workout contraption that after pulling those handles about 10 times the entire thing will fall apart, fall off the door, knock Nana in the head, and toss her into a permanent slumber party.  Eh, at least she’ll be the guest of honor at the party.  Ole!

Note: Contraption can also provide hours of laughs when hooked up to virtually any toilet seat or bottle of arthritis medication.

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Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Sexcuses

The Magnetic Pad – Are you tired of “doing sex” with your husband?  Have you used “time of the month” excuses at least twice a week since the late ‘80s?  Did you think your cheap flammable lingerie (pictured above) would turn him off so that you could finally get a nice nights sleep free of penetration?  Well if you’ve run out of excuses to “quit the banging” does Harriet Carter have the product for you!  Take a peak at the “Magnetic Pad.”  Finally, science put to good use!  Simply place this (more than likely) future cancer causing highly charged magnetic field on you bed, awkwardly lay sideways, and presto chango your legs are virtually glued together!  So when your husband is looking to take a walk in the garden, if you know what I mean, (spoiler alert:  I mean sex) you don’t even have to rack your brain for excuses you just need to point towards the pad, shrug your shoulders, and simply state “science.”  You’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time and he’ll be humping that long body pillow you bought him for his birthday until he’s dry-heaving over the side of the bed and screaming for God to pluck him from this miserably heartless world.  Ladies, please note that after countless months of using the Sexless Pad your husband may begin to foster additional ideas.  It is vital that you change things up once in a while and place your fat ass on the pad as he is less likely to have frank discussions with you about “entering the property through the back door.”  The “magnets” can keep that closed as well.  And be on the look out for a “mouth pad” and “hand pads” coming to a Walgreen’s near you in Spring 2011.  “Magnetic Pads:  Because Only Science Can Stop Him.”

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Harriet Carter Product of the Week: The Coke Purse

Well, well, well.  So we meet again.  If my math is correct it’s been nearly 14 decades since there was even a mention of Harriet Carter around here at the IBBB offices.  Well, times-they-are-a-changin’ because, uh, I’m posting one.  Was that not clear?  For those of you new to the site, check out the first Harriet Carter post here to learn more and get caught up on all the Harriet Carter product reviews over the years.  Yes I actually said it…years.  I mean who’s a bigger loser than me?  Crickets.   Anytrashbox, I’ve decided to highlight a beautiful coke purse that I know you’re all going to love and, well, mother’s day is right. around. the. corner.

The Coke Purse - Hey ladies, having a hard time keeping up with the latest designers for Spring Fashion Week in Milan this year?  I’m sure giving yourself a home perm over your kitchen sink is really monopolizing your time.  Well don’t worry about looking like yesterdays news when you’re heading out this Friday night to your local smoke filled Bingo parlor thanks to your very own sponsored Coke Can Shaped Purse.  Ooo la la, is that French?  And look at the way it really makes your denim jacket and cameltoe-high-waisted-mom-jeans pop!  I mean, this model could actually be Jay Leno for all we know and with some additional research I’m sure we could confirm.  Luckily this Coke purse is lined so you don’t have to worry about all the glitter and sparkles from your Troll Dolls hair damaging the fine metal craftsmanship.  Made in Taiwan?  You better your trailer ass it is!  And no need to carry this can-bag-o-horror everywhere you go by hand like an animal because it comes with a genuine shoulder chain that really classes this up especially when you have an important business meeting (at the Piggly Wiggly) or a romantic dinner with you and your husband (in the “dining room” at KFC).  So for the woman who has everything (that can be won in one of those stuffed-animal claw machines) finally something that yells class, sophistication, and truck-stop-blow-pig.  Even the description really sells itself by labeling it as a “whimsical accessory” and how you’ll soon be “ready to drink in the compliments.”  At last, something that matches your Betty Boop earrings and Hello Kitty puff-paint t-shirt that exclaims “Chicks Rule!”

“Pajama Jeans” Because You’re Not Getting Hired in an Actual Office Anyway!

Who’s going to fix the economy and add jobs to your city?  Who cares!  Introducing “Pajama Jeans” for when you’re just about ready to call it quits in life (pre-dirt nap).  Pajama Jeans are a mix of pajamas and wait for it….wait for it…wait for it…jeans or “dungarees” for those of you still using dial-up AOL right now.

Pajama Jeans can, apparently, be worn to bed, on an airplane, while pushing your screaming kid, and out for a night on the white trash town!  They even fit almost all body shapes from fat ass to flat ass.  And, ladies, don’t forget that Pajama Jeans are the only true pair of jeans that can really show off the cameltoe.  Ole!

And, if you act now you’ll even get a plain grey crewneck t-shirt, you know, just in case you land a big interview and need something to wear with the pants.  Personally I love how the women in the video are wearing their Pajama Jeans with a pair of high heels.  Ohhh la la have these been imported from France?  Why do I have a feeling if you wear these you’re also the type of person whose curtains flap in the wind outside of your home apartment window?

So remember, everyone, when you’ve basically completely given up on yourself, have had endless tea-parties with your cats Mr Meowenstein and Mrs Solar-Plexus, have run out of your 12-pack of Zima and Chambord, and got rejected from the latest season of Hoarders, then slip on some comfy Pajama Jeans and, well, just wait for sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom, Mary, take you into “the Heaven.”

*Kool-Aid mustache sold separately

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