More Mindless Stories on ‘harriet carter’

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Harriet, Literally, Scares the Sh*t Out of You. Howling.

Happy Spooktacular Harriet Carter Wednesday!  See what I just did there?  It’s the week of Halloween and I used the word “spooktacular.”  It really made the sentence festive and I think people will be able to relate to it.  I’m a wicked pissah writer like that and junk.  Anyway, this week Harriet shows us innovative ways to make penguins sad by killing them, tries to scare the sh*t out of you (literally), and reminds us that dogs sniffing each others bum-holes can welcome anyone into your home.  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 – Uh oh!  You better get ready to sh*t your pants twice, you white-trash jokester!  As you know, here in The United States and of the Americas, Halloween is right around the corner and citizens (and only citizens) love to play scary pranks on each other.  Sometimes this consists of pranks in the bathroom.  Sometimes it doesn’t, but this time it does.  Here’s what you do.  You place this “fake” toilet paper roll on the holder and when your disgusting friend, who can’t hold in his food, takes a nasty dump in your newly cleaned toilet he’ll be spraying projectile diarrhea all over the wall after he hears the toilet paper roll saying such spoooooky things like, “Whahahaha,” and “Aaaaaah” and my personal favorite, “Howling!”  Sometimes even when it’s not Halloween I just stand outside of the bathroom and just yell “Howling!” at the person who’s going.   Hopefully this will also scare you with other words like, “Noise,” or “A Witch is Laughing Right Now,” or “Chattering Teeth.”  You and your exploding diarrhea friend will be squealing with delight after he/she realizes that this was just a prank and the toilet paper wasn’t, in fact, possessed.  If that ever happened to me I would “prank” my friend back by using their toothbrush to clean up the sh*t that I sprayed all over their wall.  I’d also use their “for company only” towels to wipe my bum-bum….but I usually do that anyway, so that’s neither here nor there.  Thanks, Harriet, for making taking a “Shasta McNasty” eventful!

Product # 2 -  Whatever happened to the simpler days of a welcome mat that just said “welcome” and maybe had 3 apples going across it?  Well those days are gone (thanks “the 60’s”)  so now you can greet your guests with a nice wholesome doormat consisting of a dog sniffing another dogs bum-hole.  Mmmm!  I can’t wait to enter your house and have some of those Brownies you made, which you probably let your dog lick the egg-beater.  Now should I inject the rabies directly into my body, or just wait it out?  Seriously if this is the doormat you choose to show people I already know you don’t wash you hands after you go to the bathroom, there’s most certainly your snot underneath your coffee table, you use a pencil to clean your ears, you’re wearing 3-day-old skid-marked underpants, you fart under the covers and then dive underneath to smell them out, you clip your nails in work (at your desk…and you work in a cubical), you don’t wash your hands after you handle raw meat, you leave a ring around your bathtub,  you have yellow pit-stains on all your shirts, you sneeze on your hands and then shake hands with others at church, you wear a black coat to work and have white and/or gray cat hair all over it and we have to look at it on the elevator, and you have cat-piss stains all over the rugs in your house that have seeped down right to the hardwood floors.  And it’s permanently stained.  Anyway that’s what this kind of doormat means to me.  What the hell were we talking about again?  Oh, anyway, I’ve already been put on a waiting list for the latest doormat which is of a teenage girl having an abortion.  Hopefully it gets here before Christmas!

 

Product # 3 – If you’re like me you’re probably sick of trying to feed stray dogs Pop Rocks and Coke, kicking three-legged cats, and are really incredibly handsome.  But if you’re also like me, you are looking to really kick up your hatred of animals up a notch.  Well thanks to the PETA department at the Harriet Carter Science Labs, you can slooooowly torture poor innocent penguins.  What fun!  Que suerte!  If you’re sick of always seeing penguins all “cute and happy” you can finally do something about it!  So how ’bout hopping on the bandwagon and giving your very own penguin lung cancer thanks to some constant second-hand smoke!  He’ll like it, trust me. And if you don’t trust me,  just catch a glimpse of his face.  That’s one happy penguin.  Awww poor penguin.  He looks so sad, as would I if someone was using me as an ashtray.  You know what will probably make him feel better?  Maybe just burn him a little with that cigarette.  Maybe on his nose or something.  Maybe all over?  You get to decide because it’s your penguin.  That’s the beauty of this.  I’m also enjoying the hi-tech feature that the description is bragging about when it says, “Close door, fan shuts off!”  Wow-e-wow!  Next thing you know the light will go off in the refridgerator when you close that door too! 

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Well, You Wanted Kids.

So it’s Harriet Carter Wednesday.  What are you gonna do about it?  You wanna fight me?  Let’s go then.  I’ll meet you out front of the Carter Factory after school, you jerk.  No idea.  Anyway,  this week Harriet helps you find new and inventive ways to sell your snot-nosed children, tricks your kids with the gifts you give them, and celebrates horses with plastic cups because, you know, horses should be celebrated with plastic cups.  Let’s go….

Product # 1 – Hey there little Billy.  Yeah, how’s it goin’?  Uh huh.  Yeah, well you got a sec?  Great, thanks.  You see, Mom and her live-in boyfriend have been having a tough time making ends-meet as of recent.  The economy, well, it exploded, Billy.  It’s partially our old President’s fault and it’s partially your fault because Santa saw you touching yourself in the tub that one time. But why split hairs, am I right?  Anyway, the holidays are coming up, you know, Jesus 2009th Birthday and the Day After Thanksgiving, and the gifts may not be as extravagant this year.  We all know you’ve been asking for the Nintendo Wii for the past 2 years, but your mom and her live-in boyfriend cut back on the amount of scratch tickets that they buy every day and bought you this new video game that’s way better than the Nintendo Wii.  It’s more advance and could basically just kick the Wii’s ass (kinda like how your friends are gonna kick your ass in extra-help-math tomorrow).    Now technically it’s called the “Etch-a-Sketch” but you can call it the “Wii-a-Sketch” or the “Are You Almost 18 Yet?” like we call it.  It’s really interactive too, like the Wii.  For example, see how you drew that very impressive train, Billy?  Well, it’s just like the Wii because that train will actually start moving!  Sure, it’s because your mom will have to take down the screen and chase you around the house with it, but Choo-Choo, Billy, Choo-Chooooo!  And just like the Wii, Billy, you have to be really careful that you don’t accidentally throw the control at the screen.  That’s why mom’s live-in boyfriend is going to duct-tape it around your wrist.  Well, anyway, you’re welcome Billy!  Just think, maybe next year I’ll teach you how to play “cops and robbers” with some toilet paper for a mask and some clothespins for guns!  Study hard, Billy, study hard.

 

Product # 2 – Sick of standing on the stone steps of your town hall yelling “Kids For Sale” like a caveman?  Looking for new and innovative ways to subtly alert the kidnappers just what they’re getting?  Of course you are!  Look, we live in the year 1998 (we do, right?) and everyone is busy.  That includes kidnappers.  Why not help out the nappers and yourself by simply advertising just who you’re trying to get rid of with this handy dandy Harriet Carter Photo Tote.  Now you can simply place photos of Pasty, Creepy Smile, and Open Mouth right on the side of your purse and “promote as you go.”  But look, we’re in a tough market so it’s good to help provide additional incentives for the kidnappers.  That’s right folks!  This tote comes with two tickets to the circus that you can easily display right above the photos!  It’s like the kids practically sell themselves. The days of “hey kid, wanna come over the pet my puppy?” and “hey kid, want some candy?” and my personal favorite growing up, “hey kid, you’re parents have been in a car accident and are in the hospital and wanted me to take you to see them….but if you tell your parents I’ll kill them.”  It was a real win-win in the 1980’s for us kids!  So don’t just wait for the nappers to hand-pick your brats, get proactive!  Get the Three Picture Tote, get rid of your kids, and get that hot tub you’ve been eyeing since the day they were born.

Product # 3 – You know, if it’s two things I like it’s horses and tumblers.  The fact that Harriet Carter has combined my two favorite things makes me thank God each and every day that I live in the good old USA!  Just think, it’s a nice warm day out and you’re looking for a nice glass of lemonade.  Obviously you’re going to get out your fanciest glasses which, I’ll assume, is going to be the Horse Tumblers.  You’ll be the envy of the trailer-park once you tell your toothless friends that these tumblers are “made of shatterproof plastic.”  Almost unheard of in this day and age.  Seriously, do people like horses this much?  When I think of horses I think of horses taking nasty dumps in Central Park.  The last thing I’d want to see before I swallowed some lemonade is a horses ass, you know?  I’d rather watch Harriet shave above the knee, if ya know what I mean, and I think ya do….because I’m 12.

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Car Crashes, Insulting Violations, and Sassy Wall Art. It Must Be Harriet Carter Wednesday. It Is. That Wasn’t a Trick or Anything.

Oh. Well hello.  Strange seeing you here.  Welcome to the 14,538 Harriet Carter Wednesday in the year of our Lord.  I have no idea what that means, but sometimes I think that if God didn’t rest on the 7th Day we could have actually had an 8th day of the week, which could have been called either Carterday or Whitetrashurday.  This would have allowed us to always have a 3 day weekend.  What the hell am I talking about?  Perhaps it’s my new meth addiction.  Nevertheless, this week Harriet trashes up your car, your jokes, and your wall.  Let’s go!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Product # 1 – Hey there dumb bitch!  Are you a dumb bitch?  I bet you are.  Dumb bitches have been banging up their cars and others’ cars for decades.  Let’s take this dumb bitch.  You see, this dumb bitch ruined her car door because, well, she evidently drives with her head, not only, out the window, but looking up towards the sky as well.  What a dumb bitch.  I’m sure this dumb bitch is driving back from picking up her dumb bitch husband his dumb bitch dry cleaning.  I also wouldn’t be surprised if this dumb bitch left her dumb bitch kid in his carseat…on the roof of the dumb-bitch-mobile.  Maybe she wouldn’t need a giant plastic band-aid if she just, you know, looked where the hell she was going? Even the sun looking down on this dumb bitch thinks this dumb bitch really is a dumb bitch.  Anyone who is reading this in Massachusetts can personally thank this dumb bitch for making your car insurance so high.  What a dumb bitch.  Although, we can all thank the biggest dumb bitch of them all, Harriet Carter, for bringing lazy car repair to the market.  Harriet is the best.  Looks like I’m the dumb bitch.  This concludes a new segment within a segment that I simply like to call “Dumb Bitch.”  I like it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Product # 2 – Who’s ready to get the bag beat out of them?  Well if you’re looking to get shot, stabbed, and your head cut off in the mall parking lot this holiday season, well does Harriet have the perfect thing for you!  Introducing “Rude Fake Parking Tickets.”  Rude Fake Parking Tickets you ask?  Yes, Rude Fake Parking Tickets.  The next time you are so pissed off at the person who messed up your parking space or if you’re just clinically out of your mind perhaps you can write them one of the following tickets.  Try out, “Ugly Driver Violation.”  That’s sweet.  Or perhaps you want to be so politically incorrect you can check off “Mentally Handicapped.” Does Harriet not know that’s a real thing?  Did that Japanese man park too close to you?  Giving him a warning withthe “Not Driving an American Car” ticket.  You’ll bothbe squealing withdelight when he discovers it and then later drives his car like a kamikaze pilot into your Ford Focus.  Or get real creative when someone takes up two spaces withthe ticket that says, “Taking Up 2 Space (Jerk).”  In case you didn’t know, the “jerk” at the end of that is the real zinger.  Even Harriet is getting in on the fun with the description that says, “Failure to pay the fine promptly will result in the suspension of license to breathe!”  Haha, oh that Harriet! She really pushes the envelope doesn’t she?  Anygunshotwounds, good luck in the crowded parking lots!  See you in the ER, followed by court…and then jail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Product # 3 – Blah.  I hate when people try to “Wall Art Insult” me.  It’s the oldest story in the book.  Boy goes to girls house.  Girl opens door for boy.  Boy walks in and sits down on girls couch.  Girl glances up at the wall.  Boy sees wall art.  Boy receives passive aggressive wall art insult.  Date over.  Oldest. Story. In. The. Book.  What the hell is a “Giveadarn?”  Is that like an “Anyskank?”  Sounds similar.  In fact, I believe it rhymes.  This is why I am always equipped with some wall art insults of my very own no matter where I go.  In an instant I’m ready to nail up the wooden sign that says, “My Wallet Won’t Open if Your Legs Won’t!”  If you tie a colored bow to the top of the wooden picture it makes the passive aggressive insult seem a little nicer.  I’m also ready to hang up the “It Probably Smells Like Cat Piss in Here Because You Own Ten Cats….and I’m Not Gonna Fix It!”  Adding the “and I’m not gonna fix it” puts the insult back on them.  Create some wall art insults of your own!  Oh, in the end my favorite part is the description that says, “Hang it proudly in the wall.”  Yes, I think “in” the wall is the best place for it.  Finally Harriet and I are on the same page!

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Harriet Carter Wednesday and the Case of the Halloween Skank

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to one, all, and none.  All at the same time.   This week Harriet brushes your fright-wig with realistic color, gives a shout-out to the Halloweenie Whore, and scares the skid-marks out of your underpants with what I can only assume is a three-headed owl.  All normal. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Ooh la la!  With a hair coloring brush that fancy you would have thought they would spell it “colouring.”  No one, and I mean no one, will ever know that you simply brushed the “colour” directly onto your own natural looking hair.  I may not know about simple things like love, helping people, being nice, and hair color but is it normal to go from bleach blond to “desk stain” brown in one sitting?  I think that “colour” is going to burn a hole right through her itchy looking wig.  Nevertheless (bonus points for using that word), this chick is turning into the New Jan Brady in just seconds.  With all the time she has left over she’ll be able to give her miserable childrens an extra beating AND have time to pick up her 120 day supply of pain meds.  Personally, I like how it says that you can get professional salon results …and then the next sentence is “requires two AA batteries.”  See?  That’s the difference.  In a professional salon I think they use 4 D batteries.  Eh, either way I think it’s great the Olympia Dukakis is getting work again.

 

 

Product # 2 – Ah yes, the Halloween Knob Greeter.  I used to know a girl who was known as the Halloween Knob Greeter.  Similar to bobbing for apples the Halloween Knob Greeter is always the hit of the party.  Sometimes wet, sometimes a little sloppy, always drunk, the Halloween Knob Greeter shall not be confused withthe Thanksgiving Turkey Gobbler.  Now don’t get me wrong, both are givers.  Both bring a little more light to the holidays.  Both are about two more Zima’s with a crazy straw away from doing a private web cam show.  Or so I’ve heard.  Anyskank, this HKG not only provides minutes of life changing fun, but also lets complete strangers know that no one is home at your house.  Not only should you help yourself to some candy, but also feel free to toss your crowbar through their front window and help yourself to their priceless Hummel collection.  Thanks, Harriet, for finally giving “that girl” a formal festive name.

Product # 3 – Hey kids!  Look, daddy is going through a bit of a tough time due to the economy. Hmm, let me see how else I can explain this.  The automobile industry got the swine flu because Sarah Palin’s unwed daughter got pregnant with the Mama’s and the Papa’s illegitimate baby so basically, daddy lost his job and, no, we can’t go to the zoo this week.  We can, however, go into our backyard and look at the three headed Siamese plastic owl that daddy bought you.  It won’t just scare away the bunnies and the birds, but also you and your bratty little brother.  See how real it looks?  When one plastic head spins to the left, the other plastic head spins to the right, and both knock heads of the third owl that is sorta in the middle.  It’s basically the Rocky Dennis of the thriving plastic owl industry.  You’re welcome, kids.  Now go inside and ask mommy to get off the mailman.  Thanks.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: It Smells Like Pussy Time!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday Thursday!  With The Hills now on Tuesday nights, the Harriet Carter time slot has been temporarily moved to Thursday.  Perhaps I’ll switch it to Monday.  At the end of the day it’s really not any of your business.  Nosy.  Anyway, this week Harriet keeps your stuff safe for about 10 seconds, helps you decide what time you should kill yourself, and finally lets you know what Swine Flu smells like. Yum!  Let’s go!

 

 

Product # 1 – Are you trying to figure out exactly when you should  be taking the ultimate dirt nap?  Are you looking for a sign if you’ve come to the end of days?  Are the only people left in your life the cats that surround your clock?  Well if you answered “meow, bitch, meow” to any of these rhetorical questions then does Harriet have the final sign for you!  Introducing the Pussy Cat Clock!  The only real decision you’ll have to make is if you should kill yourself at half past the white cat or quarter ’till the brown cat.  Either way it’s a win-win.  Now I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Hey IBBB, you’re 7 sentences in and you’ve only made one pussy joke.”  I’d answer, “Snatch.”  I know what else you’re thinking, “Hey IBBB, if I’m so lonely who’s gonna help me end it all?  I’m too lazy to do it myself.”  I’d answer, “Meow.”  I’d also answer, “It’s time to get creative!  Now I’m assuming you have upwards of 12 cats in your hoarder of a house.  In actuality you probably have 20 cats, but 8 of those cats are dead under the 16 years of newspapers that you’ve never thrown out.  Anygross, here’s what you need to do.  Hang rope from ceiling fan.  Tie live mice to bottom of chair.  Stand on chair.  Use rope on self.  Call cats over to chair.  Hope that cats knock chair over.  Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. ”  You’ll be squealing with delight from hell when your ghost is watching the paramedics trying to call the time of death.  Thanks Harriet for guaranteeing my place in hell.  I, of course, will see you all there.  M-E-O-W!

Product # 2 – Hey there fatass!  Food always on your mind?  Do you have a hard time writing without breaking into a cold sweat due to hunger pains?  Me either!  Well now you don’t have to live like a caveman anymore and write with pens that don’t smell like your favorite foods.  Now you can fully concentrate on your math homework and sniff vanilla cupcakes the entire time.  Don’t forget to ”carry the 1″ tons-of-fun!  Not for nothing, but whatever happened to just, you know, writing with pens that, you know, work just like pens.  Regular pens.  Why do they need to smell?  I remember simpler times when you’d be in school and just smell your own farts.  Those were the days.  Actually, those still are the days, but I digress.  Also, I have an idea.  Why not keep things that your dirty fingers have been on away from your nose and mouth.  I mean, let’s try to keep the spread of the Swine Flu down to about 65% of the population instead of the 70% as predicted.  I can just picture little Messy Tessy digging for clams and then you ask to borrow her meatloaf scented pen.  You just can’t help yourself and so you sniff and lick it for your entire   Social Studies class.  Presto.  Swine Flu.  Thanks Harriet for keeping us obese and on our death bed.

Product # 3 – Hola ladies!  Are you looking for a new padlock for your chastity belt?  I’m sure there are a few non-skanks left out there, right?  I mean with the latest craze of “sexting” I doubt any of you will need this, but in the unlikely event you are virgin-like, Harriet has you hooked up.  Introducing the “Siren Padlock” or the “Yelling Boxlock” as I like to call it.  Simply lock your box with this contraption and if anyone tries to tamper with it it will go off for a full “ten seconds.”  Oh no!  Not 10 FULL seconds?!  How in the world can anyone stand an alarm sound for 10 seconds?!  So let me get this right.  The alarm goes off.  Maybe a neighbor hears it and by the time they realize what it is the alarm stops, to which your neighbor thinks you probably turned  the alarm off and then they carry on with their regular activities (beating their kids).  Now I’d like to know that when this alarm does go off for a never-ending 10 seconds, does that yellow lightning bolt squiggle line also appear?  Because if it does I might just buy it.   If all of a sudden I saw a cartoon-like yellow squiggle line appear I’d certainly run the other way.  And by “run” I mean “go back to sleep.”

 

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Highlight Your Burglars Hair and LOL. TTYL.

Well, well, well.  So here we are again.  Funny seeing you here.  How could I not start this site up on any other day than Harriet Carter Wednesday.  I’m sure the Harriet Carter sales have been down by at least 75% since I stopped blogging.   Well, like the herpes allegedly on Harriet’s vaginastein, I’m back and I’m back with a vengeance.  Wow, 6 sentences in and I’m already starting with a smut joke.  It feels good.

This week Harriet debuts her Fall line of burglar-chic fashion, helps you frost your 80’s perm like a birthday cake, and brings her 90’s “chat-room” slang to your morning coffee.  This should all be terrible.  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 – Hey burglars!  Are you sick and tired of being stereotyped as your typical “at night” burglar?  I know I am!   What fun is your job if the people you’re robbing are sleeping?!  There’s more of a rush when you break into a house in the middle of the day and have to fight off the neighborhood dog and a Vietnamese family of 6.  Between them chasing the dog with a knife and chasing you, well, as you can imagine the hijinks writes itself.  Just be sure that if you’re going to burglarize a house during daylight hours, like the man in the above photo is, you dress accordingly.  Nothing will draw attention to yourself quite like wearing all black, carrying a flashlight (turned on), and apparently painting your face black.  Oh, and be sure to carry a crobar  raised about shoulder height because this won’t look out of the ordinary, at all.  Just be careful if you’re walking by a plastic box hot-glued to a wooden pole because odds are that it’s a hidden camera.  Also, if above that wooden pole is a sign that says, “It’s a Camera!” be sure to run the other way.  The house in the background is probably at least valued at $550K.  It makes perfect sense that they’d protect their half-million dollar property with a $19.95 plastic security system.  If you even make it past that wooden pole I’m sure you’ll run into a sign that says “Beware of Dog” that has a picture of a rabid dog saying “Woof.”  Thanks Harriet for making this world a safer place.  Skank.

 

Product # 2 – Hey there ladies!  Has the economy got you down?  Can’t afford to get your hair colored by the professionals?  Well that doesn’t mean you have to let yourself go.  Hell no.  If you’re willing to look like Farrah Fawcett during the drug years and have your hair stink like Anna Nicole’s rotting corpse well then does Harriet have the product for you!  Thanks to the apparent magic of Jerome Russell you can now….wait for it….wait for it….wait for it…..spray in “natural” blond highlights into your 80’s perm.  Ole!  Who knew this crap wasn’t just sold in the Halloween aisle next to those plastic masks and hillbilly teeth during the month of October?  No really, who knew this?  I want names.  Anyfrost, please ladies make sure that when you’re spraying down your mop you’re making sure not to forget those other places too.  And I’m not just talking about your eyebrows. No, no.  Make sure you’re giving a quick spritz in your nether-regions.  Get creative.  Make a design, spray in your initials like you’re pissing your name into a new snowfall.  This may just save your sham of a marriage.   Oh, and rumor has it this spray can be used as a self tanner for magical places like your taint and elbows.  Try it out, but be sure to have your emergency contacts on standby in case you burn right through the skin.  Seriously, I have no idea where I was going with this.  That is all.  Thanks Harriet for making poor chicks 80’s hot!

 

Product # 3 -  LOL!  Do you think you never get to call your best friend your “BFF” enough?  Are you still trying to figure out what the hell “YTB” means”  Do you constantly live in a chatroom?  If you’ve answered “who cares” to any of these questions then I have something that may be right up your alley.  Ouch!  Now you can impress all your friends with these LOL mugs…and by “friends” I, of course, mean “message-board acquaintances.”  But don’t just waste your money with these three mugs!  Oh hell no!  Create some more of your own.  I’ll start.  How ’bout “TIAFWOM” which translates to “This is a F*cking Waste of Money.”  Or maybe “YYAPGTDA” meaning “Yes You Are Probably Going to Die Alone.”  Have your officemates laughing when you’re sipping out of your very own “INWMHAITANSITSNTYATIH5YOMWBTMC” which, of course, easily translates to “I Never Wash My Hands After I Take a Nasty Sh*t In the Stall Next To You and Then I High 5 You on My Way Back to My Cubical.”   What a treat.  The possibilities are endless.  Thanks, Harriet, for all the LOL’s.  J/K.

 

Well folks, that concludes another HCW.  Feels good.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Well You Look Familiar

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday.  We are almost half way through the year and you know what that means….let’s take a look back at what Harriet has been selling.

Product # 1 – Uh-oh! Is your porcelain chipping? Who gives an F. The real issue is why in the hell is your refrigerator in the bathroom? Actually, another important question is who in the sexy hell has a porcelain refrigerator? Do they even make those anymore? And by “anymore” I really mean “since 1925.” This does bring up an innovative idea. Sometimes when I get out of the shower I would love some breakfast but then I have to walk alllllll the way to the kitchen. That’s not efficient at all. Instead, I’d love to be in the shower and just reach into the refrigerator and grab some milk for my cereal (I’ll keep the box of cereal under the sink). Also, how small is the bottle? It seems like it’ll take about 300 hours to fix that bathtub. It’s kinda like painting your car with a bottle of White-Out. Stop. I just thought of the last time I saw a porcelain refrigerator. Remember that episode of Punky Brewster when Cheri got trapped in the refrigerator? Yeah, then.

Product # 2 – Looking to wash your underwear in your blender? Well you’re in luck! Now you can wash your clothes in something the size of your blender. If you only own 2 articles of clothing then this is the product for you. Perfect for the homeless or a family of dwarfs, you’ll be washing clothes in simply hours! What the hell are they washing in this thing in the photo? Are those crushed Coke cans? Totally, they are. They’re 100% washing Coke cans. But why? Why would one need to wash Coke cans? Pepsi cans, sure, but Coke cans? I don’t buy it. Anyway, when you’re done washing the skid marks out of your crap stained underpants, you can also make a killer margarita in this contraption. Tasty! Ole!

Product # 3 – I wasn’t informed that you were still allowed to pinch your nose closed when something smelled bad if you weren’t 4 years old or in an I Love Lucy episode, but apparently the ban has been lifted. First off, I’m glad that Marie Osmond is back to work after her stint on Dancing With the Stars. It just proves that being on that show can revitalize your career. Second, what in the name of jihad chemicals is this product called? ATMSKLEAR? Like, ATMS Lear? Derived from the German phrase meaning “Money Scam.” Third, where did the rest of faux Marie Osmond’s hair go? She’s about 2 inches away from completing her Zac Efron. It’s the new “Rachel” apparently. And you totally know that the only thing that stinks is faux Marie’s own hoo-ha. That thing probably hasn’t seen clean water since her days on The Love Boat. Hopefully ATMKILLER stuff doesn’t burn the skin because faux Marie is going to need to insert the whole bottle into her “gentleman greeter” the same way you tip a Pepsi bottle filled with water into the plant soil so the plant can just drink as much as it needs when it needs it. You still with me? I’m borderline lost, but I think I’m still typing. Perhaps she has that surprised look on her face because Harriet is underneath her and inserting the bottle as the picture is being taken? Either way her lady business stinks. Clean it up.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Like a Screen Door on a Battleship

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  Do you think if there were ever an E! True Hollywood Story on Harriet Carter I would be able to take part in it?  I hope so.  I will register that prayer to Santa Christ and Jesus Claus and see if he can make that happen.  Anyjunk, this week Harriet has found the door to the past, keeps the elderly awake at the wheel, and continues having creepy people modeling dumb t-shirts.  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 – Well she’s finally done it!  Harriet Carter has found a door to the past and apparently the door to the past lands you to around 1987.  Now I’m not 100% positive, but I have a feeling that this is actually the Harriet Carter “modeling” this unnecessary screen sheet.  Who cares about that, though?  Let’s take a peek at the clothes that seem to be raping Harriet (the original Failure Model Chick).  First off, that mock-turtle-neck-sweatshirt (that can be purchased at Walgreen’s in the “holiday aisle” during Christmas) really makes her bed-head perm pop!  As we move south of the border we see that Harriet is pushing her bum out a little as a way to detract our attention from the cameltoe that is budding from her baby maker.  The journey continues as we see her “blue-jeans” tucked firmly into her black boots.  You know she has to stop every 10 steps to re-tuck her cuffs into those boots.  Harriet is a slave for fashion.  Now is Harriet a midget or is she walking into a giant wooden house?  That may be, perhaps, the largest door I’ve ever seen….and the entrance into the house isn’t so small either.  Oh! Stop me if you heard it!  I’m not sure I used that one right, but who cares?  It’s Harriet Carter Wednesday and I can do no wrong!

 

Product # 2 – WAKE UP, STUPID!  If you like to take 10 minute cat naps whilst driving around town does Harriet have the alert system for you!  Apparently if your head moves to far forward or too far back and alarm goes off directly in your ear.  So the good news is that you’re awake.  That bad news?  You’re deaf in one ear.  Seriously, if you even think that you may possibly need this product please, please, please, please, please don’t get behind the wheel.  In fact, please don’t even leave your house.  Actually, don’t walk either.  Just take it easy in a nice recliner and wait patiently for Jesus to call you into the pearly gates of Heaven.  If I ever strapped this thing to my ear I would be so freaked out that my head may accidentally go 2 inches forward that I wouldn’t be able to even focus on changing the radio station, texting my friends, or drinking my iced coffee.  Imagine just looking forward the whole time and just driving?  Boring.  Either way, thanks Harriet for keeping me awake, deaf, and focused.  What? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

 

Product # 3 – Are you sick of people talking to you about stupid things?  Do you ever wish you had the pefect “come back” to someone who is really “cramping your style?”  Do you photograph like you’re a level 3 sex offender?  Are you wondering why you’re always standing in front of a plain blue background?  Well if you answered “I’m a level 3 sex offender” to any of these questions, Harriet may just have the best rebuttal to shove in your friends faces.  Are you ready for it?  All you need to do is wear this, possibly flammable, t-shirt that says…..wait for it….wait for it……wait for it…..”And Your Point Is….”  Just picture it, someone comes up to you and asks you for directions and you just look down at your t-shirt.  Brilliant.  You’re walking up the street and two little kids ask you if you want to buy some lemonade.  Just point to your t-shirt and they’ll have their answer.  The priest says, “I leave you peace, my peace I give you.  Let’s take a moment to offer each other a sign of the Lord’s peace.”  The person next you reaches out their hand to you and you glance down at your t-shirt.  They’ll know. Oh, indeed, they’ll know.

 

Harriet Carter Wednesday: If You Need This Stuff, Please Leave Planet Earth.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  Every now and then Harriet comes out with some real crash-bang-zinger products that make me want to never visit middle America because I imagine houses being filled with this crap.  That probably explains why everyone hangs out at either a gas station or Super Walmart.  But I digest.  Anywaste, this week Harriet color codes your sandwich tools, helps you eat whilst driving, and allows middle-aged women to use ice cream shaped lipstick because “white-trash skank” seldom goes out of style.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Time for lunch, stupid!  Do you have to struggle through making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?  Do you wonder how the human race made these sandwiches for hundreds of years with caveman tools such as a knife and…a knife?  Well you aren’t alone.  I mean, you’re borderline in a coma, but you’re not alone!  Harriet seems to think that in order to make a PB&J (which, in Harriet’s house stands for “Penis Breath and Jizz”) you need a color-coded tool to scoop and spread the peanut butter and the jelly.  Harriet tells us that the color-coding makes it “nearly” impossible to confuse the two.  She says “nearly” because, let’s face it, if you’re buying from this catalog the chances are pretty good that you’ll still confuse the two.  Now you almost never have to accidentally stick your peanut butter knife into the jelly jar.  I mean, God forbid you use two separate knives.  You know you’re just licking them and putting them back in the drawer anyway.  Regardless, Harriet really thinks outside her box and lets us know that you can use this spreader for such things as butter, cream cheese, mayo, and mustard.  She did not mention relish, so I would call the 1-800 number to make sure that this spreader can, indeed, be used for relish.  You’d be surprised how many people make that mistake!  Thanks, Harriet, for complicating sandwiches!

Product # 2 – Please, don’t be like the millions of other people in the world who allow their driving to interfere with their lunch schedule.  Take back lunch and simply eat your healthy hamburger, french fries, and unnamed soda whilst driving.  Seriously, who would just place their hamburger on that nasty ass tray without a wrapper or napkin of some sort.  It’s amazing that there are laws that don’t allow us to drive while using our cell phones, but having a full meal seems to be acceptable.  And why stop there? No, no what else can you do in the car?  How ’bout adding a sewing machine or cotton candy machine?  And you know the people who buy this never wash it.  Ever.  It’s all sticky and gross and has M&M’s, soda, dust, and nickels stuck to it.  It probably smells like a 50 yrs old dishwasher.  You know what I would use it for?  A chair.  That’s right, a chair.  I would sit on that and try to drive so that I can easily see what the people are doing driving next to me. I’m innovative like that.

 

Product # 3 – Ow!  Yow!  Ow Ow!  Who. Is. That. Sexy. Failure. Model. Chick?  What a real dish that FMC is!  If you’re a middle-aged woman who wants to hold on to her youth then does Harriet have the product for you.  Presenting: Lipstick in an ice cream cone that also doubles as a key chain.  Ole!  Look at how Failure Model Chick “models” the use of the product.  She dips her skanked-out finger into the lip-gloss and then gently pats it on her crusty lips.  And you totally know she’s dabbing a little gloss on her “downstairs beast” too and by “downstairs beast” I am, of course, talking about her Failure Model Vagina.  Of course.  It’s just your typical FMC FMV.  Honestly, at this point I have no idea what I’m even talking about.  All I do know is that FMC is too old to be using teeny-bopper products like this.  She should be sticking to her zinc-pink lipstick so she can attract the boys at the BINGO hall.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Cat Sneakers is the Last Sign

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  It’s been hotter than a nun after 3 vodka-tonics here in NYC and I, of course, blame the Swine Flu for this.  Why they’re not calling it the “Pig Ouchies” is beyond me.  Our one chance to name a new virus and we blow it.  Eh, such is life.  Anypig, this week Harriet Carter lets you know when you’re just about ready to take the ultimate dirt nap, reminds you how to get into your house, and keeps your face out of your ass, literally.  Let’s go!

 

 

Product # 1 – Hey there “on the fence about life” shopper!  Are you in the middle of trying to decide if you should take a dirt nap or continue on with your life?  Well if you’re “on the fence” let Harriet Carter give you a little test to help you decide.  Are you just about to purchase these cat sneakers?  Yes?  Dirt nap.  Think these cat sneakers are ridiculous?  Yes?  Live life.  It’s just that easy.  I love how they make note in the description that these sneakers are imported?  Ohh la la!  I bet they’re fresh off the catwalk of Milan!  Oh, and “pun intended” but after I wrote it.  Why must these be imported?  Are there not qualified people here in the US that can crank out the 4 pairs of cat sneakers that the public demands?  Whatever happened to the company that was making the Bugs Bunny and Tazmanian Devil t-shirts that had the characters on the front and back of the shirt?  They working still?  No?  Give ‘em some knock-off Keds and some puffy paint and get them to work!  How ’bout those people who created the Hypercolor T-shirts?  They working?  No? Give ‘em some Sharpies and see if they can create cat magic.  Also, I’m enjoying how they are promoting this as “Sneaker.”  Just one?  Are they marketing to possible one-legged pirates?  I guess there must be a market out there that’s looking for just one sneaker.  Finally, they also need you to be specific on the size you want.  Sorry, ladies, if you’re smaller than a 7 or bigger than a 9.5 …or somehow a size 10… they don’t have your size.  No cat sneaker for you! 

 

Product # 2 – Are you having a tough time remembering where the lock on your door has been for the past 25 years?  Do you sometimes get home late at night and try to put your key up your ass to see if the door will open?  Do you ever wish there was a light directly above the keyhole so you could know exactly where it was?  Are you not even a little impacted my the global recession and like to spend money on useless crap?  Well if you answered “yes” or “I’ll take the physical challenge” to this question, Harriet is totally going to make your day!  Apparently this must be a “must have” item because the description lets us know that you no longer have to waste “minutes” fumbling to find the hole.  Like a virgin on his wedding night, Harriet will ease you directly into the hole.  Oh! Stop me if you heard this!  Try the veal!  Anycrap, who’s spending “minutes” outside their door trying to unlock it.  If you can’t figure out where the keyhole is in the dark you aren’t old enough to be on that side of the door by yourself.  In fact, you shouldn’t even be allowed to leave your house.  Oh, and I’m not sure what “Hi impact styrene” is, but they sure are bragging about it.  And is it “hi” or “high?”  Eh, I’m not one to judge spelling mistakes as this here site looks like it’s written by a 3-year old on medication for narcolepsy.  But I Zzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz.   Get it?  I fell asleep….because I said I had narcolepsy?  Oh screw you.

 

Product # 3 – Open Casting:  Looking for creepiest couple in America to model a “Face and Butt” towel in which the female must look like she’s getting drilled from behind. Male must have Squiggy’s haircut from “Laverne and Shirley” and be a registered Level 3 sex offender.  Once on set, talent must smile like they’re in the midst of a Meth rampage, yet hair must look completely dry even though they are just getting out of the shower.  Couple must also portray the act of toweling off together with one towel because, you know, that’s believable.  Due to lack of budget, couple must also make it believable that they have just exited the shower even though we are stationing you directly in front of a blank wall.  If you meet this criteria please send headshots to HarrietCarterCrap@BlahBlahBlah.org/govedu.TV

 

 

 

 

 

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Spring Into Failure Model Chick!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  What a real treat we have around the IBBB office for you today!  That’s right boys, girls, and transgender individuals, Failure Model Chick is back!  And, to top it off, she’s in a one-piece bathing suit.  She is quite the dish!  This week, FMC makes a comeback, Harriet cures the blind, and reinvents the coffee cup because, well, it’s long overdue.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Careful fella’s, she’s engaged!  Failure Model Chick is back and with a vengeance!  This time around she’s “modeling” a hammock-like beach chair that is easily portable in a bag-like contraption.  To dumb it down, this is basically FMC’s “Casting Couch on the Run!”  When you’re just about to be cast for your next “Girls of New Jersey” swimsuit calendar, but haven’t quite sealed the deal, now you can just flip open this contraption and have at it! FMC even demonstrates how comfortable it is to lay down on.  From the looks of it she’s lost all function in her neck, most likely from the “casting bobbing” that she was performing on the director and by “casting bobbing” I am, of course, talking about a little $2 dollar sucky-sucky.  Anycrap, FMC looks like a nana come to life with her one-piece and Kelly Kowpowski sunglasses.  And her bear-sized mitts may be trying to hide the soda label that she’s drinking, but we all know it’s Sprite.  Yeah, I said it. Sprite.  Yes, that Failure Model Chick sure is enjoying the concrete beach.  I hope she doesn’t get a sunburn from the florescent lights that are beaming down on her chalky white model body.  I may tee-off on FMC, but it’s only because I love her.  I do love her.  I am jealous that she is more successful than me.  Please hold your hate mail.  Eh, send it anyway, it usually cracks me up…and not just because I’m on crack.  Ole, FMC! Ole!

 

Product # 2 – Hey there blind folks!  I SAID, HEY THERE BLIND FOLKS! Are you tired of being blind?  Have you tried the piano and the harmonica, but can seem to hit “Stevie Wonder” status yet?  Has the “seeing-eye pony” lost its novelty?  Did you bomb your American Idol audition?  Has Helen Keller stolen your thunder?  Well if you answered “yes” to any of these questions let me say that I am truly amazed, because you’re blind and you could read this.  I’ll also say, “well does Harriet have the cure for you!”  Sand down the braille books because you’ll be reading in no time thanks to these trusty Harriet Carter Vision Training Glasses!  No, these are not just old sunglasses from the 80’s that were purchased at a flea-market and had holes drilled into them.  No, no, these are official vision builders!  And for only $14.98 this is a miracle come true.  You see (pun intended), all the holes in the glasses force you to focus more and we all know that problem with the blind is that they don’t focus enough.  Well, that and the fact that they have bad haircuts, but I’ll let that one slide because, you know, they’re all blind and junk.  So, pick up yourself some Harriet Carter Vision Training Glasses and get ready to style your own hair for once!  Thanks Harriet!

 

Product # 3 – Wanna know what’s tricky?  Holding a coffee cup with only one handle.  You know how coffee cups have only had one handle for the past 2000 years and no one ever had a problem with it, ever, because one handle is perfectly fine for anyone who isn’t a big baby?  Yeah, well thank God those caveman days are over because Harriet has personally added an extra handle to your coffee mug so you can finally get on with your life.  Personally I think this is a great and much needed invention because I think that holding your coffee with one hand while driving was just too safe.  No, you must hold your coffee with two hands whilst driving and just try to steer with your knees, or better yet just have the passenger maneuver through traffic on the highway.  Other items that also need two handles include, but are not limited to, toothbrushes, telephones, briefcases, and umbrellas.  Hopefully Harriet is working on these next.  I tell ya, her research and development employees must be working around the clock to make our lives run more smoothly.  Oh, and I also secretly hope that both of these handles break off at the same time and this dude spills all the hot coffee all over his ding-dong and the doctor has to cut it off.  He can use it as a third, bendy, handle for his next cup of coffee.  That’s a free suggestion, Harriet.  You’re welcome.

 

Harriet Carter Wednesday: A Real Hoot (you’ll get that reference later)

Why happy Harriet Carter Wednesday boys and girls!  Pull up your nap mats and pull down your shirts because this week Harriet is helping diddlers stick to their story, gives the gift of “pen” to graduates, and replaces your stomach with your rack (somehow).  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Hey there kids!  Is your local city diddler trying to remind you just what story you should be sticking to when the police come and ring your parents door?  I know, it’s tough to remember to not mention “petting the puppy” or “coming over to the car to have some candy.”  You have enough going on with smoking cigarettes and taking the morning after pill, so as a friendly reminder all the diddlers in the neighborhood are posting these catchy signs on their property.  These, of course, say “What Happens at the Cabin, Stays at the Cabin” and “What Happens in the Garage, Stays in the Garage.”  Simple, right?  I like how Harriet is helping out the city diddlers and the country diddlers.  It’s like a new version of the Country Mouse and the City Mouse.  I always hate signs like these.  I never fully understand what in the holy crap they’re talking about.  Who has a cabin?  Who does stuff in a garage?  Are we supposed to believe that garages are so fun that no one should ever talk about what happens in the them?  I’m pretty sure Carbon Monoxide happens in garages and that’s not so fun.  In fact, you actually should tell someone if Carbon Monoxide is taking place in a garage.  That’s danger.  I have no idea where I was going with this.  Buy it?

 

Product # 2 – Happy Graduation, Suzie!  You know how all throughout school all you talked about was your love for owl’s who wear glasses?  Well do I have a surprise for you!  We’re in a bit of a recession so I couldn’t score you the owl, so I took a nasty crap onto a pen and created you this crafty graduation gift!  I know, you’re welcome! Oh, and I also couldn’t afford an owl nose so I cleaned out my nose after that nasty cold and just stuck it to the crap.  You’d be surprised how bendy feces is.  I know I was!  I also don’t know a lot about owls, but I’m pretty sure that don’t have arms or wings so I simply used a staple gun to secure that “diploma” to i’s poop chest.  I love arts and crafts projects! Lastly, I fed this shit-owl some Ecstasy.  That’s why it’s eyes are like that.  Careful not to hold that pen too tonight or the owl may begin to dry-hump you and try to force you to eat a lollipop.  So anyway, happy graduation! 

Product # 3 – Ladies, ladies, ladies!  Ladies.  Oh, and ladies.  Do you have a gut that hangs over your belt?  Of course you do.  You’re from America!  Do you wish that somehow there was a life altering contraption that could lift your stomach all the way up and smush it into your bra so that you could fake everyone out that you had a big rack attack?  Well, through the genius of Harriet Carter now all your dreams can come true!  I’m not quite sure how this works, but the lady in the “after” picture no longer has a gut and has increased her bust in the matter of seconds.  What a real treat it’s going to be for the guy who takes this prize home from the bar and begins to undress her.  It’s going to be like an anvel falling on his head.  I predict cartoon birds flying around his head while stars shoot out of his eyes.  Thanks, Harriet, for making this world a better place….one stomach/rack at a time!

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Hoppy Easter. Get It? Hoppy. Rabbits Hop. F. U.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday…the Wednesday before Easter!  For those of you who don’t know what Easter is, it’s basically the day when Eli Whitney created the cotton gin so that he could make a real-life Easter bunny who would help Jesus carry the cross and figure out if we’ll have 6 more weeks of winter.  Now that we’re all caught up, this week Harriet is wrapping your gifts with jokes, is protecting me from all of God’s creatures, and livens up your drinks with horrible/terrible tragedies.  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 -  There are jokes simply everywhere in life!  An according to Harriet Carter wrapping paper can be a real bend-over-and-shit-your-pants-funny prank in itself!  Image the hours of laughter you’ll receive when someone realizes that you’ve wrapped their gift in paper that allows you to just simply check-off what the event is.  What a treat!  Let me tell you a little something.  If I ever received a gift with this paper on it let me tell ya how I’d respond.  I would, of course, perform a quick fake laugh and then I would immediately start the brainstorm session on the “thank you note” which will, more than likely, consist of me crapping into an old Stride Rite shoebox, placing it on your front porch, lighting it on fire, and then ringing your doorbell and running behind the bushes.  Once you answer the door and put out the fire I will, of course, have a piano drop on your head from the roof of your trailer.  See?  Gifts really can be fun and funny!  Oh, and this comical wrapping paper also comes with a hysterical card that says, “You’d Be Dead in Dog Years. Happy Birthday.”  Simply stated, if I received that card I would just drive to your house and shoot your dog.  Simple. Easy. To the point.  Thanks, Harriet, for giving the gift that keeps on giving.

 

 Product # 2 – Finally Harriet is on my side!  Sweet!  Thanks to the “Scram Patrol” I can now “shoe” away all of God’s blessed creatures.  I will, of course, be testing this out on anything and everything.  I will start with dogs and cats and then move onto birds and squirrels.  Later I will graduate to bees and butterflies and shortly thereafter I will move onto homeless people and telemarketers.  Although, something tells me that if a 150 pound pit-bull was running towards me and I pointed a shiny yellow “gun-like” instrument at them they may, they just may, rip the piss out of my face and eat my hands and then piss on my dead rotting corpse.  Not too sure if the “one 9V battery” is going to protect my ass.  I’m sure there are instructions on this gun that tells you to scream “SCRAM PATROL, SCRAM PATROL, SCRAM PATROL” as you fire it at the loving animals.  I’m actually going to bring this to work with me and when someone asks me a question I’m just going to point it at them.  Hell, this may solve all the problems in my life.  Thanks, Harriet, for continuing to serve and protect! Now don’t be such a cheap bitch and provide the damn 9V battery, you trash-heap-whore.  Thanks!

 

Product # 3 – Know what’s a real hoot at a party?  Titanic inspired “ship and iceberg” ice cubes for your drinks!  Because I know when I think of the Titanic I think of a “funny gag prop for a drink.”  This is terrible.  Other hysterical ice cube trays that I hear are in the works at the Harriet Carter lab is: “Holocaust and Hitler cubes,” and “Jesus of Nazareth, nails, and a cross cubes,” and “Twin Towers and airplanes cubes,” and perhaps my personal favorite, “Columbine High School and guns cubes.”  Talk about a real conversation starter!  Good luck having these conversations because people will be doubled over from all their laughing that you may never even get a chance to discuss!  Thanks Harriet for reminding us how funny history really can be.  Oh, and best of luck in hell!  See you there!

 

 

 

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Fun With Words!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Do you ever wonder if Harriet sleeps hanging upside down with a Snuggie on?  I do.  This week Harriet hijacks your navigation system, reminds us what animals are really for, and lets us know what will happen if you goose a dragon.  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 – Now here’s the perfect gift for those jackasses who are suing the navigation companies because they drove into a lake after they claim their navigation systems instructed them to do so!  This whole entire waste of money is actually just one big gag.  Can you imagine?  Instead of GPS it’s called GPStress.  Get it?  I barely do.  All you need to do is simply mount it (giggity) onto your friends dashboard before you’re both taking a cheap trip and get ready for the laughs to start and hijnks to ensue.  Suddenly a woman with a British accent starts spewing out one-liners such as: “In 50 feet turn off the ball game and put on my favorite Barry Manilow CD,” and my personal disturbing favorite, “I’m sorry we didn’t sleep together last night, but can you stop driving like a lunatic?”  Brilliant.  What does that even mean?  You know the writers were all sitting around the table and we like, “Ok, now let’s throw in a sex joke.”  They, of course, took the first joke that someone suggested.  Even the streets on the gag-GPStress map are are a real hoot.  They’re called things like, “Desperation Way,” and “Backseat Drive.”  Get it? I hope they allow you to prerecord some messages as well.  I’d like to record some of the following: “We’re in a recession and you just spent $19.99 on this crap so you can pull over such a lame gag that you’re only going to get that ‘breathing out of the nose’ laugh” or “Let’s get a divorce,” or “Who’s had more abortions this year: The prostitute on the corner or me?  The answer is, of course, me,” or “Little Billy isn’t really yours.”  The ideas are endless.  Please, America, stop wasting your money.  Harriet, you are the deficit.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Harriet of Yesteryear

Yeah let’s bring it back to yesteryear!  This is kinda like when you were looking forward to watching The Office and then as you go to flip it on you realize that it’s  repeat.  Well this is a repeat…and I don’t make anywhere near what those guys make, so this seems fair.  Enjoy!

Product # 1 – As we all know by now, Harriet Carter loves death. She loves it. Now you can buy your very own death stone for a loved one and let them know that there was a chance you could have saved them from dying, but you didn’t. The stone literally says, “If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever.” Huh? I don’t even know what that means. So could loved have saved the person or not? Yeah, tell that to your poor Nana that died. Nana didn’t need “love” to save her, she actually needed medial attention. She probably needed an ambulance, but you just let her stay on the ground as you tried to bring her back to life by “loving” her. Nice move. Nana’s dead because of you Harriet Carter. Oh, and Harriet? I love you.

 

Product # 2 – If Harriet isn’t selling “death” she’s selling white-trash pillows with dumb sayings on them. This highly flammable pillow says, “Today I Said a Special Prayer For You.” Really? Why? If someone ever gave that to me I would be pissed. Actually, scratch that. I wouldn’t be pissed, I’d be suspicious. Why are you saying a special prayer for me? Am I dying? Did someone I know die? Am I sick? Did Harriet put you up to this? Why are you saying a “special” prayer for me? Is that code-word for “you’ll be sleeping with the fishes tonight?” And what the hell are those designs on the pillow? Is it worms, leaves, and the sun? Why? Why would I want to rest my head on that thing? Are you going to smother me with that pillow? Is that the special prayer? I’m scared Harriet, I’m scared!

Product # 3 – Hey lazy! Are you too tired to go to the gym? Are you still looking for a high-impact workout? Well worry no more because now you can buy these “pedals” from Harriet Carter. Yes. Pedals. And thank God they have straps on them because clearly you’d going flying off that thing once you get going! Is the person in that pictures actually sitting on a directors chair as they pedal? And why is everything there blue? Wait, did this person pedal to the sky? I think that’s it. Seriously, what kind of workout are you doing with that thing? I think you’d get a better workout by hitting yourself in the face with this contraption. That’s actually what it is. A contraption. P.S – Nice Keds. Did you pedal all the way back to 1991? Thanks Harriet for keeping America fat.

Product # 4 – Hi is ridiculous there? Oh really? Can I leave a message? Is this a joke? Why in the hell would you ever need to plug in your actual phone into your cell phone? That looks absolutely ridiculous. I’m totally getting one. I’d pay to see someone walking up the street with an actual phone receiver attached to their cell phone as they talk. Brilliant. It looks like it’s real convenient to store in your pocket when you’re not using it too. I mean, sure the phone receiver will stick out of your pocket a bit, but “crazy” has no boundaries.