More Mindless Stories on ‘harriet carter’

Harriet Carter Wednesday: How Smart Are Your Kids…Really?

Tired of trying to keep your kids and their slimy little fingers away from the electrical outlets?  Getting a little bored with watching them clumsily crawl aimlessly around the house?  Looking to add a little excitement to your day?  Well if you answered “I’m an idiot!” to any of these questions, boy does Harriet have the product for you!  Introducing “Creative Outlet Stickers” for your electric outlets.  Let’s just see how smarty pants your brat is (just like you always brag about to your douche-bag friends) and if they can really keep their fingers away from the cute little smiley faces that you pasted all over the outlet.  Add some extra stickers to the outlet to increase the chances they’ll light up like your fake Christmas tree when you add the cute mustache and baseball hat to it!  The whole family will be squealing with delight when you tell Junior to crawl over and “tickle the cute dog face with pink tongue.”  If you really want that puppy you’ve been begging for, let’s see if you can take care of this 240 watt dog.

Can’t wait for the 4th of July and it’s only January?  Toss a bucket of water at Junior just about the time he’s sticking the eyeglasses on his new outlet friend.  Presto!  It’s the 4th of July any day of the year!  But don’t just think this fun has to only be had with the outlets.  There are other fun games you can play with your kids too.  For example, give the glass door of the oven a kiss when you’re making a pie.  Or, perhaps, bobbing for apples in the toilet (tip: butter the toilet seat for increased slippage).  Or finally, what about the simple game of “juggle these knives?”  The possibilities are really endless!  So thanks, Harriet, for finding new and innovative ways to de-babyproof your entire home.  Ole!

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Puffy Leather Couch Stabbings

If you know me you know there’s one goal I have in my life and that is, of course, to stab a puffy leather couch with a butcher knife.  That’s all.  Some people dream big, some just want to slash leather.  I’m not saying it’s normal.  Well, the scientists over at the Harriet Carter labs must be faithful readers of IBBB because they’ve “invented” something called “Clear Patch Tape.”  What is Clear Patch Tape, you ask? Well according to the description you can forget that “ugly “ duct tape when trying to patch up your puffy leather couch stab wounds.  Now all you need to do after slicing and dicing is simply cut off a piece of this clear tape and then simply place it over the gash and, voila!, “the poors” furniture looks as good as new if “new” was code for “tape on your couch that eventually will turn black from dirt around the edges after one week.”  Plus there’s nothing more that likes to pick at things like bratty kids and even brattier pets.  So basically your stab wound that’s turned into a tape mark will shortly turn into claw marks. And I love how it says it’s also great for window glass.  Safe!  Make it easy for your neighborhood burglars to get right in simply by pulling the tape off the window glass so they scurry right inside and steal your plastic Boston Celtics tumbler set of 4 that you got for $1.99 each when you bought enough gas at Shell circa 1988!  Sadly, you’ll now need to remove these items from your will.  Your kids will be heartbroken.

Seriously, how is this an option?  More importantly, how is this anything more than just tape?  I mean the chick in this picture has the money to get her Housewives of Orange County nails done on the regular, but she can’t afford to get this couch professionally fixed? If you can’t afford to take care of the puffy leather couch you shouldn’t buy it.  Would you put an Oldsmobile emblem on your Mercedes if someone stole your Mercedes emblem?  I think not.  If you’re going to stab your couch, you have to pay the penalty.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Bruise Cream, Because Hitting = Love

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday!  Looks like we’re two weeks going strong!  Who knew?  I mean, I knew but that’s only because I’m the one writing this junk.  Was that not clear?  This week Harriet Carter is helping you recover from a little issue.  A little issue called, “Abuse.”  Let’s go!

Playing another round of “Ike and Tina” and just about the time when AnnaMae is about to “eat the cake” you take a nice uppercut right to the eye?  Yeah, we’ve been there.  And so has Harriet Carter.  Introducing ‘Arnica Bruise Cream!”  Arnica, because people stop believing you bumped into the doorknob after the second time.  Arnica, look for it in your local grocer’s freezer. I have no idea.

If you need to recover from the beating of your life, simply rub the “ABC” (as the woman’s shelter calls it) all over the impacted area (aka full body) and magically the “abuse kisses” quickly start to vanish!  You’ll be ready to have dinner late again before you know it!  If fact, your husband will be thinking, “Honey, I thought I slapped at you with the garden hose last night but it must have been a dream.  So, the hose it is tonight!  I’ll give you a five second head start.”  You’ll both be squealing with delight over his apparent “mistake.”  Even your two small kids who are shaking and hiding around the corner witnessing all this will yell out a good old fashioned “Daddy!” with a silly little grin on their traumatized faces.

Apparently the magic ingredient in this formula is “horse chestnut extract.”  Is that code for horse nuts?  More importantly do horses have nuts?  I’m not an animal lover so I’m not sure.  I am, however, an animal fighter but that’s a different story for a different time.  Now if you really want to be proactive I recommend rubbing in the cream prior to taking the “tickle punches” because this way his fists of fury are likely to slip right off your body like a slip-n-slide and, this way, you’re already 5 minutes ahead of schedule on your road to recovery!  Don’t just cover up your bruises with makeup like a caveman, get rid of them altogether with Arnia Bruise Cream.  Arnica, because the root of the problem isn’t important.

Like Harriet Carter Wednesday? Click the “recommend” Facebook buttons and spread the word to your white trash family and friends and follow me on Facebook while you’re at it. You’ll hate it!

Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Sexy Sock Time

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday on a Thursday!  When there aren’t a bunch of WT teenage mothers beating the bag out of others via “the television”  I like to change things up and go back to my roots which is, of course, making fun of white trash products.  Enter:  Harriet Carter.  For those of new to IBBB feel free to browse through, literally, years (wow that makes me such a loser of Harriet Carter product reviews).  Let’s give this a whirl:

Hey there sexy legs!  Are you looking to really turn on your man by seducing him with some hot “sock putting on?”  Do you ever feel like you don’t have enough metal around your legs on a regular basis?  If you’ve answered “I’m lazy!” to any of these questions does Harriet Carter have the product for you!  Let me introduce “Easy Pull Hosiery Aid.”  Catchy name.  It rolls right off the dehydrated tongue.  As if you couldn’t be dramatic enough now you can easily step into this (more than likely) lead painted metal contraption and then  somehow magically shimmy your moldy mustard colored knitted sock right up over your mangled feet and slowly up your varicose veined legs.  I mean, you’ll have to beat off your husband with a billy club and rape whistle as he’s like to jump your bones as you begin to ooze all this crazy sex appeal.  And, not for nothing, but I have a rule and it goes a little something like this:  “When you can’t put your socks on anymore it’s time to get rid of your legs.” What?  It’s a rule.  Anyway, imagine how sexy you’re going to sound when you have to yell down the basement to your no-good-down-and-dirty husband, “Honey, can you bring up my rusty sock contraption?  I need to get ready to stand in the unemployment line.”

I love how the description says it’s also easy for panty hose.  Ok nana.  You mean to tell me that the metal death grip isn’t going to puncture hole into your panty hose?  Unlikely.  Unless maybe you like that ripped nylon look.  Maybe you’re the Ke$ha of your retirement community.  I don’t judge.  Why stop with just socks and nylons?  Why not bring this to the next level and help pick up your bloomers or your boobs for that matter?  A rack for your rack is going to be all the craze in 2019 so get into it!  Thanks Harriet for combining two of my favorite things; metal and socks.  Good day.

Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Now With Bad Child Models!

Oh Jesus, child “actors.”  There’s nothing really wrong with this product in question, per se, even though fake table covers are the equivalent of puffy leather couches that are scattered around the homes of “the poors.”  It’s like if your table is all banged up just get a new one.   Don’t smother it with a flammable vinyl cover with two pointless palm tree leaf patterns on it.  Dumb.  But let’s get to what’s really important in this picture.  The kids.  I mean, it’s not this kids fault that he’s supposed to be “pretend eating” and he looks like he’s nibbling on poison pellets all whilst suffering from explosive projective diarrhea.  And, like an episode of Full House, no one ever yelled “cut” and decided to re-shoot the scene.  Nope.  This kid is totally looking at this mother off set next to the camera who is probably shaking a stuffed animal bird over her head and dressed like street-walking trash because she could never make it in Hollywood so she’s forcing her own son into “the business” to fulfill her lack of accomplishment and, well, Harriet Carter is as far as he’s getting.

And why the hell is the table tipped?  How the hell are these two supposed to eat when the table is about to flip like a prop on the Real Housewives of New Jersey?  You can even tell the blond kid on the left is looking like, “What the F is wrong with this table and where the hell is the rest of the furniture in this ghetto kitchen?!”  And why is he licking and eating with his fingers?  Maybe if mommy and daddy didn’t spend all their money on a cheap table cover they could have afforded to buy, you know, utensils.  I know utensils is a big word for you kids.  Basically it’s a “rich word” meaning “not having to eat with your snotty fingers.”

Finally, the description really pulls me in as well because it’s trying to convince us that these table coverings “mimic fine art glass.”  Oh, does it?  Because it looks more like giant skid-marked underpants to me.  Maybe junior, over there, gave the table some wet sh*t kisses.  See you brats in Juvie!