More Mindless Stories on ‘harriet carter’

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Harriet is Your New Religion

And on the 7th day, God rested.  Then on the 8th day, God created Harriet Carter.  From that, white-trash was born and all the angels and saints rejoiced and began purchasing products they did not need like sweatshirts that said things like, “Today Ain’t a Good Day For Me.  Tomorrow Doesn’t Look Good Either.”  Amen.  This week, Harriet is pouring religion down our throats and making sure our death goes off without a hitch.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – ….and on that cold winter night, Mary and Joseph went to deliver their miracle baby and the worker at the inn, who apparently was just Santa Claus, told them there was no room.  So Mary gave birth to the baby Jesus in a manger whilst Santa times her contractions, gave her the Epidural, and then finally cut the umbilical cord and provided the baby Jesus with many presents like Tickle Me Elmo, xBox 360, and a couple of Bratz dolls…..just like it is all stated in the Bible. Oh, and all of this took place on a shiny bright big apple.  Perhaps in New York City?  I’m not good with geography.  Seriously, Santa was not at the birth of Jesus, was he?  I mean, I didn’t think they had red fabric, buckles, and an abundance of cotton, but maybe they did?  I mean, the rest of the Jesus clan were all dressed in plain sheets, but Santa is dressed up enough to get into the Roxy.  What a way to teach kids about Jesus!  It’s like, “Hey kids, would you rather look at the little baby who is just laying in hay, or would you rather get to know the big man in a friendly red suit…..oh and did I mention he brings you all the gifts your greedy little hearts could desire?”

Product # 2 – Have you mastered that whole “Virgin Mary giving birth to a baby?”  Feel like you’ve got your mind around “Being crucified and rising from the dead on the 3rd day?”  Have you heared enough about the “Ascension into Heaven?”  Well if so, it’s time to really unmask the true mysteries of the Bible like, “Why are there no cats in the bible?”  You know God and baby Jesus are smiling and beaming with pride looking down at you and thinking, “He totally gets it!”  Just think, you can impress all your sinner friends at dinner when you bust out interesting information like, “How come Jesus hardly ever commented on Mary’s Facebook status,” or “Exotic places to hide your weed in the Garden of Eden,”  or “Remember that whole ‘collecting 2 of each animal and placing them on the arc?’ well we just brought 1 bird and it wasn’t so much an arc as it was a canoe.”  Everyone will be thinking you’re the second coming of Christ will all this pointless biblical trivia that is likely made up and written by a 2nd grader.  Was Mary Magdalene the first woman to have “The Rachel?”  Read the book!

Product # 3 – Thanks to the Harriet Carter At Home Will now you can breathe a sigh of relief when you’re taking the ultimate dirt nap.  I feel like the Will reading will go a little something like this:  “Billy Bob,  Jethro, Bobby Sue Ann – thank you all for coming to your Uncle Grandpa Nana’s  Will reading.  His final wishes are as follows:  To my beloved bastard child, Billy Bob, I leave you my faded Garfield car window stick-on stuffed animal whose tongue blows in the wind when the window is slightly open.  I wish to leave my collection of Exxon/Mobile Celtic’s dinner drinking glasses to my hot daughter Bobby Sue Ann.  Daddy always liked the way you kissed the best.  My collection of  ceramic cats dressed in 1800’s garb that can be used as both a paper weight and a door stopper shall go to my son/nephew Jethro, as he always liked cats and he always liked open doors.  My collection of McDonald’s Teenie Beenie Babies, will be buried with me as they are my most prized possessions.  The rest of my money and all of my properties shall be divided equally amongst all my children.  Each child shall receive 4 $10’s, 5 $20’s, 2 $100’s, and 1 $500.  As far as properties go, Billy Bob shall receive Park Place and Boardwalk.  Jethro will take Mediterranean and Baltic (along with two hotels, which can bring in a nice chunk of change after someone passes Go).  And Bobby Sue Ann shall have all 4 railroads.  I have one “get out of jail free” card which may go to your Momma if you see fit.  I love(ish) you (almost) all.  Please do not try to dispute this at home Will, as I have signed it in a cherry scented unwashable Crayola marker.  See you in hell!”

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Balls, Ball Bag, Death Pillow

Harriet Carter’s a brick, house.  She’s mighty, mighty.  She’s letting it all hang out.  Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down, shake it down, down.  Shake it down, shake it down, shake it down, shake it down, down. Brick……house.  Now that I got that out of my system, Happy HCW.  This week Harriet keeps you professional even during a recession, makes  ball jokes that, well, I would make, and helps solve a murder mystery with some simple needlepoint and a pillow.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Yeeeeee Hawwwww!  Y’all gonna be puttin’ some extra stank on your punch to y’all wife tonight because guess who just landed a big ole’, one of them there, career job talkin’ interviews at Stop & Shop?!  Why it’s y’all of course!  Make sure you add a little shampoo around the collar of your dress shirt and under the arms because those pit and sweat stains aint too purdy.  And what career job talkin’ interview isn’t complete without y’all very own briefcase?  If you can’t afford genuine leather (yeeeeeee haw!) then does Harriet got somethin’ that’s sure to tickle you in your cow path.  Introhello to the Hillbilly Briefcase!  It even comes with a wooden handle so you can carry your pencil and straws of hay right inside those underwears.  But don’t go wasting next weeks bail money on this.  No, uh-uh, no.  You can make a briefcase all on your own.  All’s y’all need is some skidmarked Hanes husky underwears (preferably with hardened yellow piss stains on or around the pee pee hole) and wooden picket off your broken front yard fence (you know, the one that’s helping hold up the Beware of Dog sign?).  Well now y’all ready to see if y’all gonna gets the night cashier job at Stop & Shop.  Just remember, always show that one toof y’all got because a nice smile makes everyone feel more comfortable.  Once the big job talk is over, unhook the Hanes husky underwears from the picket and put them back on because, well, I know y’all only have one pair of underpants.  Good luck y’all!

Product # 2 -  My personal nightmare is living in the part of the country where a pillow like this is just sitting on the couch.  I’m not entirely sure why anyone needs a pillow like this, but my best educated guess is going to be: Domestic Violence.  And who the hell hunts?  Yeah, I’m sure it’s really tough to shoot a deer taking a leisurely walk in the woods while you’re dressed in camouflage, hiding in a tree, with a helmet on your head….and armed with a rifle.  Ohhhh I wonder who’s gonna win?  Big shot.  Anytrash, the lady who made this pillow is sending a specific message to the detectives who are likely working on her disappearance case.  Either way, it makes no sense to me.  So she’s buried in the woods?  So her husband is going to hunt for her?  Do hunters typically shoot into the ground because, well, that’s typically where you get buried.  Maybe he’s hunting ants now?  It’s a tough call.  And why is the word “husband” colored in green?  And most importantly, why do pillows have to have jokes on them?  Whatever happened to the days when pillows were just a simple piece of fabric, stuffed with feathers and/or cotton and/or some synthetic poly-blend, and used to help cushion and comfort your head?  Not everything needs a joke.  For example, I’m not going to sew jokes into my rug.  Although….maybe…..

Product # 3 – Haha.  Sack.

Well that concludes another segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday.  We now return your to your regularly scheduled program.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Stinky, Janky, Tacky

Well hello and Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday of the new millennium!  We are in a new millennium, yes?   Sometimes, no?  Anyway, if my New Year hangover has finally wore off I will be of sound mind to know that this is the new Harriet Carter Wednesday of the New Year.  And if the Bible is correct, and I think it is, on the first Wednesday of ye old New Year, baby Jesus Claus said, “Let there be white trash products from ye crapalog called ye old Harriet Carter.”  And then, there was!  Also the “ye old” really makes my Bible statements more relevant.  This year, Harriet barely gets us in shape, provides your husband with sleeping smell protection, and really tops off a tacky wedding.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – It’s a new year and if you’re like the rest of America and trying to get your fat ass in shape Harriet Carter has quite the home gym for you!  Introducing the “Door Floss Workout Contraption 2010.”  Sure I made that name up, but it seems fitting.  All you need to do is hook the cheap tin over the top of your door and pick place the plastic handles in your hands and just start to pull?  Push?  Pick it up?  Put it down?  I have no idea.  Personally I would wrap one cord around my neck and the other cord around my wallet and then quickly call someone to kick the chair out from underneath me so that I not only hang myself with this waste of money, but also hang my wallet as well.  I’m a big thinker and multitasker like that.  So if you’re looking to pull something (giggity) and drop over 50 pounds (over the course of 15 decades) all you need is this handy dandy contraption.  After approximately 45,791 “pulls” you will have burned over 10 calories.  You’ll be sliding your thunder thighs into your two piece bikini (puke) by summer 2099, just in time for the new millennium!  I kid.  Tajikistan would have blown up the entire United States by then.  You know, I know it, and this workout chick wearing a blue sweater and a face full of makeup knows it.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s working for the terrorists anyway.  Actually, this contraption is probably a Terrorist Training Camp that Harriet is trying to help promote.  It’s all making sense to me now.  Harriet. Is.  A. Terrorist.

Product # 2 – Finally sold the cats and landed yourself a man?  Plucked your chin hair and became a fiancée?  Sold your old Garbage Pale Kids, lit the rest of the trailer on fire to collect the 10’s of dollars in insurance money and are planning the wedding of your dreams at the local VFW?  Well if you answered, “you betcha!” to any of the above crap does Harriet have the wedding cake topper for you.  Let’s face it, you’re probably not even buying a wedding cake.  You’re most likely baking 3 batches of  Brownies and just staking them up high on the Bingo table that you’ve “borrowed” from the basement of a church.  Well, all that triple-decker Brownie wedding “cake” needs is a topper that is a bride and groom with….wait for it….wait for it…..call the unemployment office….wait for it…wait for it…..drop your kids off at the adoption agency…wait for it….no backs to their outfits!  That’s right!  The bride and the groom cake topper are showing their bare plastic asses for all the world to see!  Can you even believe it!  I know I can!  When the meth addict that you’ve hired to cut the “cake” shows the crowd (who is more than likely toothless) that this topper is showing their asses they are certainly going to let out a loud chuckle, slap their knee, and then go back to chewing on some straw hay and sleeping with their sibling.  Because you know that at the end of the day, your wedding “cake” needs to be funny.  Thanks, Harriet, for mooning at the wedding.  You are quite the white-trash dish.  In fact, you’re the main course!

Product # 3 – Do your nether regions stink to high heaven?  Do your knees pass out by the scent of your “gentlemen greeter?”  Is your husband trying to find a passive aggressive way to tell you that you “stink in the baby maker?”  Well if hubby is going to bed with an oxygen mask on  and enough rubber hoses surround his face that could be used to put out an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico then maybe, just maybe you have a small problem.  Oh sure he’ll pretend that he has a sleeping disorder in which he needs a constant flow of oxygen to his face, but you and I both know that the sludge that is forming “downstairs” is enough for him to sleep like he’s the guest of honor in Michael Jackson’s oxygen sleep chamber.  I’m kidding.  Michael Jackson is dead.  He was a molester who died due to drugs.  Sorry, off topic.  Anycrap, if you’re not looking to clean up your personal swamp land and want to teach that dramatic husband of yours a lesson then perhaps think of new and innovative ways to mess with his hose.  Maybe you’ll place one end of the hose over his face and the other end attached to your cars exhaust pipe?  Maybe you can attach the hose to your washing machine and he can choke on his own skid-marked underwear.  Maybe you’ll attach the other end of the hose to your bum bum whilst you sleep and turn your husband into a human Dutch oven in the middle of the night.  Theses are just some brainstorming ideas that I have, but you can think of some ideas on your own in your downtime.  Thanks Harriet for making sleeping dangerous.  Oh, and it’s nice to see Al Borland getting some work again.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: The Worst of 2009

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Can you believe 2009 is over?  I can because there are 365 days in the year and we’re basically at day 363. Did you not figure that out?  Well it’s been quite the year for Harriet Carter products so I decided to post some of the worst products that IBBB has reviewed in 2009. I think I chose the top 10.  I’m not sure.  You tell me.  I hope 2010 brings much more white-trash garbage than any other year!  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Ok, we can’t blame Harriet, herself, for the Bumpits, but can I just say that I can’t get enough of this commercial?  I don’t want to oversell this, but Bumpits are the best thing that have ever been created and they use the best models that have ever been born to sell this crap.  Of course they’re not using Failure Model Chick, but it’s only a matter of time before she gets her pencil eyebrows and wacky-rack into the mix.  Anyway, with the Bumpit you place this plastic contraption on top of your hair andthen you brush your bleached blond hair over it.  Hit it with about 2 cans of AquaNet you’ve got yourself a quick and easy hairdo.  It’s perfect if you’re trying to capture the essence of Peg Bundy or if you’re just a middle-aged single woman who tans 6 days a week, bleaches her hair, smokes Newport’s, has a French manicure, and wears stretch pants.  Oh, or if you’re one of the Real Housewives of Orange County, this is the product for you…and you probably already have it (Tamra).  The best part about the Bumpitis the girls in the commercial.  They try to act all sexy, especially that one chick who they pretend is on a red carpet…but they just have her in front of this cardboard cutout walking by as a fake camera flashes.  You know the chick I’m talking about.  Brilliant!  I’m a dude and even I want to try the Bumpit.  I wonder if they’ll create one for your boobs?  Maybe the Bumptits?  It can push ‘em up and towards your chin.  Trademark that.

 

Product # 2 – Now here’s the perfect gift for those jackasses who are suing the navigation companies because they drove into a lake after they claim their navigation systems instructed them to do so!  This whole entire waste of money is actually just one big gag.  Can you imagine?  Instead of GPS it’s called GPStress.  Get it?  I barely do.  All you need to do is simply mount it (giggity) onto your friends dashboard before you’re both taking a cheap trip and get ready for the laughs to start and hijnks to ensue.  Suddenly a woman with a British accent starts spewing out one-liners such as: “In 50 feet turn off the ball game and put on my favorite Barry Manilow CD,” andmy personal disturbing favorite, “I’m sorry we didn’t sleep together last night, but can you stop driving like a lunatic?”  Brilliant.  What does that even mean?  You know the writers were all sitting around the table and we like, “Ok, now let’s throw in a sex joke.”  They, of course, took the first joke that someone suggested.  Even the streets on the gag-GPStress map are are a real hoot.  They’re called things like, “Desperation Way,” and“Backseat Drive.”  Get it? I hope they allow you to prerecord some messages as well.  I’d like to record some of the following: “We’re in a recession and you just spent $19.99 on this crap so you can pull over such a lame gag that you’re only going to get that ‘breathing out of the nose’ laugh” or “Let’s get a divorce,” or “Who’s had more abortions this year: The prostitute on the corner or me?  The answer is, of course, me,” or “Little Billy isn’t really yours.”  The ideas are endless.  Please, America, stop wasting your money.  Harriet, you are the deficit.

 

Product # 3 – If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone telling me to get my caulk-away, I’d have 5 cents. Oh! Stop me if ya heard it before! Try the veal!  Not only does Harriet want to get your caulk away, she also wants to help make your caulk right.  Because, folks, at the end of the day if your caulk ain’t right, either is your life.  With this mysterious “caulk away tool” it makes removing your caulk super easy and claims you don’t need to use harsh chemicals.  Ouch!  Windex on your caulk, while it does keep it shiny, can burn like the dickens…or so I’ve been told.  In addition the “caulk rite” tool helps you to smooth some fresh caulk better than a putty knife.  I assumed that was what wax was for, but if the caulk rite will keep your caulk smooth I guess it’s always, always, always, safer than a knife.  If you end up using the knife you might as well call it “Caulk Be Gone” because your caulk will, literally, be gone.  And if your caulk is gone you can pretty much guarantee you won’t ever be able to store your caulk in a box.  Ole! So, dear readers, the next time you’re working with the caulk in your bathroom, be sure to go easy and think twice before full caulk removal.  Sometimes just cleaning up the caulk is better than having no caulk at all.  Oh, and in case there was any confusion I was making penis jokes.  Penis.

 

Product # 4 – Feel like you’re too popular in the office?  Want to bring your “likability level” down a couple thousand notches?  Well I’ve found a “cute-as-a-button” way for you to do just that.  All you need to do is toss on this (probably highly flammable) t-shirt with a catchy saying that says just how your feel.  Pout. Pout. Pout.  It says, “Don’t Talk to Me Before I’ve Had My Coffee…Actually Don’t Talk to Me Then Either!”   Laugh.  Do you guys get it?  Basically the person wearing this shirt doesn’t want you to talk to them before OR after they’ve had their coffee!  Wait a minute, when are we supposed to be able to talk to them, then?  I guess they don’t want anyone talking to them at all! Hahahahaha!  Brilliant!  What will Harriet think of next!?  Even the description of this t-shirt is filled with slapstic sass, or “slass.”  The slassy description says such funny things as, “Alert blabbermouth’s you’re in no mood for “cawfee tawk.”  Get it?  Just like that skit on Saturday Night Live when Mike Myers used to play Linda Richman on “Coffee Talk.”  What are the odds?!?!  It also says it’ll stop “chitterchatters” and “motormouths.”  Chitterchatters? Blabbermouths? Motormouths?  Now did Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch write this description….or someone else?  Please, give Oliver the credit he deserves!  Thanks, Harriet, for helping us to “keep the peace” especially in  XL sizes with, clearly, XL sized jokes!

 

Product # 5 – Looking for new and innovative ways to compliment your man, but are running out of ideas?  Have you ever, even for one moment, thought about saying some kind words directly to his testicles?  Well now’s your chance thanks to these classy boxer shorts! While the back of these shorts say “nice cheeks” you know the front says something about “nuts” or even “balls” perhaps.  One may not know until these fancy-pants arrive to your door step.  However, make no doubt about it the description is my favorite part.  It actually says, “Love Those Cheeky Boxers” and then the next immediate line out of nowhere is, “How does he fit those nuts in there?”  Award winning!  But let’s not forget about the ladies out there.  For example perhaps Harriet can add a thong to her “collection” that says something really witty and catchy like, uh, oh I don’t know, “My Beaver May Be Covered, But You Can Still See My Ass.”  Wait, does it need to rhyme?  Drat.  Or maybe a bra that says something like, “Boobs or Box. You Get to Choose Only One.”  Yeah, I like that one.  Oh, P.S I’m also a disgusting pervert who has the mind of a 12-year old.  Thanks Harriet for remembering my nuts during the upcoming holiday season!

 

Product # 6 – Give it the gas. Seriously. If I ever saw some little bitch, in the middle of the night, who was missing one shoe, on a little boys bike, giving me a “talk to the hand” whilst I was trying to leave my own driveway I would just gun it and run the skank down. I’d then tie her to the roof like a deer and mount her on my living room wall with a sign underneath her that said, “Should’ve Been Studying.” But that’s just me. You may react differently to a little girl on a bike. Anyhuffy, what’s this girl doing riding her bike in the middle of the night anyway? And where are her parents? Probably in a meth lab, I’d assume. And where is her other shoe? I have many questions. Not for nothing, but stay the hell out of my driveway. No really, get off my private property before I call the police. Perhaps she didn’t see my “Beware of Dog” sign I have plastered all over the place. She’s so rude. We’re in a fight. Oh, andwhere’s her helmet? I mean if I’m going to hit her with my truck I don’t want to give her “the brain damage” I just want to scare her, you know, and teach her a lesson about private property.

 

Product # 7 – “Honey, did you wash my Modesty Panel? Yeah, Modesty Panel. Did you wash it, because I can’t seem to find it. My Modesty Panel? No? You didn’t? Never mind, I found it. It was in the drawer next to my faux-dickie.” Seriously, a “Modesty Panel?” Is there a name any less sexy than “Modesty Panel?” It looks like some little 2nd grader cut a coffee filter into a heart shape and then used chalk to draw flowers on it for an “arts andcrafts” Valentine’s Day project. Who’s wearing something like this? I want names! Whatever happened to the days when women would allow their rack to peek out the top of their low cut sweaters? Those were the good old days. Simpler times. Happier times before the recession. Let me give you a little advice. If you’re trying to camouflage your rack, you should just stay home and knit. Knit and knit and knit….you know…for your cats? Knit them little cat sweaters and little cat hats and then take pictures of them and add them to your myspace page with funny little captions like, “Meowy Meowerson’s First Day of School” and “A Life Without Cats…I Don’t Think So!” Look, the economy is in the crapper and your rack is all we have left, so throw out this Modesty Panel and release the beast within.

Product # 8 – WAKE UP, STUPID!  If you like to take 10 minute cat naps whilst driving around town does Harriet have the alert system for you!  Apparently if your head moves too far forward or too far back an alarm goes off directly in your ear.  So the good news is that you’re awake.  That bad news?  You’re deaf in one ear.  Seriously, if you even think that you may possibly need this product please, please, please, please, please don’t get behind the wheel.  In fact, please don’t even leave your house.  Actually, don’t walk either.  Just take it easy in a nice recliner and wait patiently for Jesus to call you into the pearly gates of Heaven.  If I ever strapped this thing to my ear I would be so freaked out that my head may accidentally go 2 inches forward that I wouldn’t be able to even focus on changing the radio station, texting my friends, or drinking my iced coffee.  Imagine just looking forward the whole time and just driving?  Boring.  Either way, thanks Harriet for keeping me awake, deaf, and focused.  What? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

 

 

Product # 9 – Hey there ladies!  Has the economy got you down?  Can’t afford to get your hair colored by the professionals?  Well that doesn’t mean you have to let yourself go.  Hell no.  If you’re willing to look like Farrah Fawcett during the drug years and have your hair stink like Anna Nicole’s rotting corpse well then does Harriet havethe product for you!  Thanks to the apparent magic of Jerome Russell you can now….wait for it….wait for it….wait for it…..spray in “natural” blond highlights into your 80’s perm.  Ole!  Who knew this crap wasn’t just sold in the Halloween aisle next to those plastic masks and hillbilly teeth during the month of October?  No really, who knew this?  I want names.  Anyfrost, please ladies make sure that when you’re spraying down your mop you’re making sure not to forget those other places too.  AndI’m not just talking about your eyebrows. No, no.  Make sure you’re giving a quick spritz in your nether-regions.  Get creative.  Make a design, spray in your initials like you’re pissing your name into a new snowfall.  This may just save your sham of a marriage.   Oh, and rumor has it this spray can be used as a self tanner for magical places like your taint and elbows.  Try it out, but be sure to have your emergency contacts on standby in case you burn right through the skin.  Seriously, I have no idea where I was going with this.  That is all.  Thanks Harriet for making poor chicks 80’s hot!

Product # 10 – Hey there you sexy cockeyed twins!  Are you sexy?  Are you young?  Are you cockeyed?  Any chance you’re a twin?  Any chance you happen to be a young, sexy, cockeyed twin?  Well if so, does Harriet have the sexless dress for you!  These “bright and breezy” sundresses will be all the rage for Spring 2010.  If by “bright and breezy” they mean “musty and shapeless” than this is exactly what you need to really become fashion-forward.  However, if you’re not a fashionista, let me help you decode the dress description.  By “carefree sundress” they really mean “the 8 year olds in the Chinese sweatshop don’t know how to sew” and by “plenty of room” they are, of course, letting you know that it’s big enough to cover your fat ass andsaddlebags.  “2 Slash Pockets” is referring to the holes that that moths creates on each side of the “dress.” To be honest I’m not sure what “flounced hem” means, but I’ll either assume it means that they F’d it up or they’re trying to use fancy words that they know cockeyed twins wouldn’t know.  So, ladies, if you’re ready to just pack it in, give up, and start hoarding cats then this is the dress that will help you accomplish all of those goals.  Fashion Tip:  Grow your leg hair out and wear this dress all winter long!

 

BONUS PRODUCT: Failure Model Chick 2009- Careful fella’s, she’s married!  Failure Model Chick is back and with a vengeance!  This time around she’s “modeling” a hammock-like beach chair that is easily portable in a bag-like contraption.  To dumb it down, this is basically FMC’s “Casting Couch on the Run!”  When you’re just about to be cast for your next “Girls of New Jersey” swimsuit calendar, but haven’t quite sealed the deal, now you can just flip open this contraption and have at it! FMC even demonstrates how comfortable it is to lay down on.  From the looks of it she’s lost all function in her neck, most likely from the “casting bobbing” that she was performing on the director and by “casting bobbing” I am, of course, talking about a little $2 dollar sucky-sucky.  Anycrap, FMC looks like a nana come to life with her one-piece and Kelly Kowpowski sunglasses.  And her bear-sized mitts may be trying to hide the soda label that she’s drinking, but we all know it’s Sprite.  Yeah, I said it. Sprite.  Yes, that Failure Model Chick sure is enjoying the concrete beach.  I hope she doesn’t get a sunburn from the florescent lights that are beaming down on her chalky white model body.  I may tee-off on FMC, but it’s only because I love her.  I do love her.  I am jealous that she is more successful than me.  Please hold your hate mail.  Eh, send it anyway, it usually cracks me up…and not just because I’m on crack.  Ole, FMC! Ole! 

Well.  What a year 2009 has been in the world of Harriet Carter products.  Thanks for being here this year, laughing, commenting, sending me hate mail and nastygrams.  It’s been quite the ride.

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Harriet Carter: Christmas Gifts That Say, “I Couldn’t Give 2 Sh*ts” This Holiday Season

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday Christmas Bonanza White-Trash-o-Palooza 2009!  Ho ho ho?  Why yes, yes she is.  This year I thought I’d do a little faux Christmas shopping in the Harriet Carter crapalog and buy you all a little something.  I jest, as I am a jester.  Anycheapcrap, this year Harriet makes it easier than ever to say “I couldn’t give 2 sh*ts” without having to say “I couldn’t give 2 sh*ts.”  She’s good like that.  Santa’s sleigh is about to take off into “the sky” (yawn) so let’s go before “he” forgets to put these “gifts” into his “sleigh” and “deliver them” to all the “good” boys and girls all around the “world.”  I mean, personally I think if all the little boys and all the little girls in the past were actually “good” then maybe there wouldn’t be war….or diseases.  Just something to think about whilst your wrap your gifts.  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 – “Billy get downstairs!  I don’t care if you don’t want to wear it.  You’re wearing it!  Now march your awkwardly shaped legs up the two steps in the trailer to your half bedroom/half bathroom and put on your blood red Rudolph sweatshirt because we’re just about to open up our TV trays, put on the black-and-white television and have our 9 piece Chicken McChristmas Dinner.  And once you put that sweatshirt on that has a jacked up collar (is it a turtleneck or not?  Make up your mind!) I want us all to sing all the wrong lyrics that are on it.  I’m not sure what Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer song goes like this: “Oh…Rudolph with your nose so bright…Lead your sleigh to my house tonight” but apparently it’s sung somewhere, by some nationality where English is their 3rd language, so we’re going to sing it to.  Oh, and Billy?  Isn’t it funny how the sweatshirt says “to my house tonight?”  I mean, let’s face it, sweety, if you’re wearing that sweatshirt there’s no “house” to go to now is there?  I guess Santa and “the universe” really have a funny sense of humor.  Billy, and I want to listen to me carefully ok?  DO NOT RUN whilst wearing this sweatshirt because I’m pretty sure it’s ready to burst into flames just by looking at it, so even the slightest speed could probably set is ablaze. And we’re only ok with our trailer being destroyed by a tornado or “Jesus’ Farts” as we like to call it.  What?  I have no idea why there are lobster claws sewn into it.  It was on sale and we got a free bottle of Cheeze Whiz with it, so deal with it.  And I want that bottle of Cheeze Whiz too ‘cuz I forgot to buy your daddy a gift this year.  No, the other one.  Nope, the other one.  No your other daddy.  No, not Tom.  Nope not him either.  Naw, the other one.  Yeah him…I think.  What?  Yes you can sell it for meth money once Christmas is over.  It is a family tradition after all!”

 

Product # 2 – Yay!  It’s everyones favorite boobless doll, Flatsy!  Flatsy TM Doll, that is!  Oh wait, I just got it.  TM.  Thank God they trademarked that because you don’t want just anyone stealing the brilliance that is Flatsy.  Flatsy, the bastard child of Fatsy, is perfect for any little girl this Christmas when you’re sick of them playing with Barbie and her, you know, knockers.  The little girls are always like “Mommy, doesn’t the tank top look great on Barbie’s rack?” and you always have to answer “yes, honey, it really does accentuate her milk wagons.”  Well, worry no more about giving little girls a false sense of beauty because with Flatsy the lesson really explains itself.  As soon as your daughter says, “Mama where is Flatsy’s breastasis?”  you can say, “Well, she was a bad girl and didn’t eat all her dinner so she doesn’t get to have boob-a-dellas AT ALL…so good luck getting a date to prom in 10 years!”  Thanks Flatsy!  Anyhuh, Flatsy may be built like a 10 year old boy, but what she’s missing in “personality” she sure makes up for with hair.  Look at that long wirey hair.  Mmmm sanitary!  You can almost see the clumps of feces at the end of it from getting caught in her bum-bum when she’s doing Stinky Bottoms on the toilet.  By the way, are those cock rings that come with the Flatsy doll?  I guess if she’s lacking ta-ta’s she might as well get creative in other ways to please her man.  However, once again, my personal favorite is not just the product itself, but the description as well….especially when it says, “….assorted styles: we’ll choose“  Oh you will?  Oh really?  Well that’s pretty nice of you.  Why do I have a feeling I’m going to be getting the Indian doll with the burka?  We’ll choose.  The balls on Harriet!  You know what?  When I pay during the checkout process “I’ll choose” what the amount will be that I’ll pay.  Sound fair?  Ugh if that Flatsy wasn’t such a crowd pleaser I’d totally empty my shopping cart right now.

Product # 3 – And what Christmas tree isn’t complete without a wedding ornament from 2008?  Sure it’s 2009 but, let’s face it, 2009 really sucked.  You know what year was pretty good?  2008.  Let’s just keep pretending we’re in that year again.  Well, I guess it was a good year for everyone except that newly married couple who are sitting on top of the flammable heart made of what I can only assume is Charmin and construction paper.  That poor couple.  Not only do they look like they’re about to burst into tears at a moments notice, but the wife is clearly cock-eyed.  Sad, really.  I bet the poor bastard didn’t even realize it until he lifted her veil and then, BAM, eyes looking east and west all at the same time, like a compass on the fritz!  You can just see that look in his eyes.  That look that says, “This is really it, isn’t it?  This is what I got?”  Yes sir, I’m afraid to say that you are correct.  This was your “pick of the litter”  Now please put down that gun that you are clearly hiding under your top-hat that, for some reason, you’ve decided to wear to your wedding.  And I’m not quite sure if that’s the ornament chain above his head or if it’s just his noose.  I think he’s just looking for someone to kick the chair out from under him and then he can just “swing his way to peace.”  I’m sure, though, with his luck once swinging from the rope he would just get stuck on his brides veil that is, obviously, made out of fly paper.  Eh, well like the saying goes, “There’s a lid for every pot.”

Well that concludes another segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday.  I wish you all a very indifferent Christmas.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Hair Today, White Trash Tomorrow!

Here comes Carter Claus, here comes Carter Claus, right down Money Wasted Lane!  Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday.  Only 8 more sleeps until all you garbage bag trash barrels will wake up and unwrap your gifts from Carter Claus.  What a treat.  This week Harriet is giving your elderly grandmother the worst makeover ever, allows your coffee pot to tell you why you’re going to die alone, and takes you on an all expense paid white-trash staycation!  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 – “Honey?  Come downstairs because I have a surprise for you!  Ok, so you know how I’ve been working a lot lately and haven’t been home much?  And remember how you assumed I was having an affair with my secretary?  Weeeelll, I was.  BUT, I was also working really hard and you’ve been so great with following me to work, hiding in the bushes with binoculars, and keeping the house sorta clean. It means a lot, really.  So, I figured we need a change of pace and should go somewhere great, tropical even.  Well, pack your bags because I got us an all expense paid trip….wait for it….wait for it…..you’re gonna have to do that thing to Mr. Winky that you swore off after we officially were married….wait for it…..wait for it…….lose a few pounds…..wait for it….wait for it….an all expense paid trip to…..THE COUCH!  I know!  We’re going to sit on the couch and look at scenes of places that I’m too cheap to EVER take you.  I’m going to need you to clean up the living room a little, though, before we go on “our trip” because I don’t want to stare at one scene on the TV in a room that isn’t in tip-top shape.  Oh, and can you maybe make us a little something to  eat while we watch the scene?  You know what?  You cook all the time and this is a vacation after all, so you can totally go out and pick us up some takeout.  While you’re out pick me up some beers.  Corona’s, maybe, because I want to feel like I’m on the beach with some hot models instead of sitting on the couch with you wearing a holiday sweater that says “Merry Catmas” stitched across the front.  So, anyway, you’re welcome honey.  Aren’t I the greatest!”

 

Product # 2 -  It’s no surprise that we’re still in a recession so you better go dust of nana and get her “job interview ready” because, well, heat is expensive this year and she’s not going to just sit around living off your money.  Well if this sounds like the norm in your household, does Harriet Carter have the best product for taking your 85 year old nana down to looking like a 75 year old….and Mona from “Who’s the Boss” all at the same time!  Two birds with one stone, my friends, two birds with one stone.  Simply wash “Gray Ban” into nana’s dead hair for 28 consecutive days and experience 82% less gray.  Now I’m not entirely sure why they can’t seem to master 100% gray coverage like every other single hair dye has been able to do since 1948, but let’s not split hairs at this point.  I mean, nana is going to be a business woman again and finally contributing back to society and, well, you can’t put a price on that.  Sure she’ll be just answering phones at the morgue, but at least she’ll get a feel for where she’ll be spending the rest of her days soon.  Nana should be sure to sprinkle a little Gray Ban on her “downstairs parts” as she may need to show it in order to get that eventual promotion and you don’t want nana looking all mismatched like a cave-person!  Now don’t forget to prep nana on some “changes” that have entered the work force since the last time she was there.  For example, writing documents with a seagull feather dipped in ink won’t go as fast as the fancy new computer.  And rolling up a letter, placing it into a bottle, and tossing it in the ocean won’t get to the recipient as fast as this “the email” that the kids seem to be wild over.  Thanks, Harriet, for manufacturing new Mona’s for the work place. Ay oh.  Oh, ay.

 

Product # 3 – Missing all your fingers and on a budget?  Who isn’t!  Lazy and friendless?  We hear that!  Clinically psychotic, but can’t seem to afford medication and doctors visits?  Preaching to the choir!  Well if you’ve answered, “The turkey flies at green Sunday and Benny Hill jive talking” then not only are you, indeed, crazy, but does Harriet have the ultimate life companion for you.  Introducing the alleged Talking Coffee Pot!  You can instruct your coffee pot to make coffee in 3 quick and easy steps.  Step 1:  Get real close to said coffee pot, smile, give someone the side-eye and clearly say “Set the coffee brewing time.”  Step 2: Wait for said coffee pot to say “Please say the time, including am or pm.”  Step 3: Become puzzled by conversation between you and coffee pot and the fact that there already is coffee in the pot.  Once you’re done conversing with the coffee pot and have lost every last bit of dignity you have, you’ve officially completed your life-cycle.  You can get ready for your dirt nap now because, well, there isn’t much left, is there?  It’s ok, go into the light.  The days of dressing up your cats in 1800’s garb and seating them around a table set with your fine China and calling them by their names (Mrs Kittyton, Mr Whiskerson, Lady Meowinstein, and Baroness Pussy-Stripes of York) have finally come to close.  Thanks, Harriet, for creating friends out of appliances.

 Well that concludes another segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday.  Tell your friends.  Tell them to go to hell while you’re at it!

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: 2 Shasta McNasty’s and a Sexless Dress for the Cockeyed Twins

Well Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to you and yours or to you and your hand, whatever your current situation is.  It amazes me that that I’ve been recapping Harriet Carter products for a little over 3-years.  Oh, and by “amazes me” I really mean “makes me want to reach out for someone to kick the chair out from underneath my feet so I can just dangle in peace.”  Now that we’ve cleared that up, this week Harriet is allowing you to drink out of the toilet, eat sh*t, and the sell sexless dresses to women who are cockeyed and can’t really see what they’re buying anyway.  What recession?!  Let’s go!

 

 

Product # 1 – Are you the office jackass who always has to have some type of “prop” at your dusty/H1N1-ridden cubical just so people have a reason to come over and talk to you and pretend they actually give 2 craps about you and your life?  You know you’re answering “yes” to that so let me continue.  Well get ready to be the “hit” of the Monday morning staff meeting when you drink your coffee out of a…wait for it….wait for it….are you ready….toilet mug!  I know what you’re thinking, “Toilet mug?  But I can hardly grasp that concept.”  I’ll break it down for you.  There is a coffee mug that looks like toilet and when you fill it up with coffee it looks like you’re sipping on explosive diaherra.  Yum.  Add some kernels of corn for added laughs.  Your miserable co-workers will be saying, “Phil?  Are you drinking feces?”  And you, of course, will answer “Uh-huh!”  What a real joy you’re going to bring to the office.  I mean who doesn’t want to drink something that looks like what that douche in the accounting department left IN the toilet and never flushed it so you’re the lucky one who walks into the bathroom stall and sees what was left especially for you with the toilet paper still lining the seat.  And you totally know it was Douchey McCrunch-Numbers from accounting because you walked into the bathroom when he was exiting the stall (and you don’t hear anything else flushing) and then he proceeds to walk right by the sink and out the door to his cubical.  Oh yeah, he’ll be the first person to dig is sh*tty-fingers into your bag of popcorn that’s on your desk.  Yeah, so anyway, your toilet-mug-o-crap looks like that.  Was that not clear?  Anycrap, feel free to get innovative and fill it will lemonade for a piss-of-a-laugh or cherry Koolaid so the women don’t feel left out when it’s “ladies days.”

 

 

Product # 2 – “Honey?  I just finished setting the dining room table for our Christmas dinner, can you take out the box of shit-sticks so they can thaw?  Yes, thaw.  I don’t want our dinner guests having a hard time eating their holiday shit-sticks.  What?  Oh we only have one box of shit-sticks?  Well can you grease the pan because I’m gonna have to make another batch of shit-sticks.  Do you think people are going to want to sink their teeth into our shit-sticks that have  a creamy milk in the middle or when they bite into the shit-sticks do you think they’re going to want a jelly-like substance dribble onto their chin?  You’re right, definitely the creamy milk.  What was I thinking?!  Can you actually pass me a few of those shit-sticks because I want to warm them up so we can cut the shit-sticks  in half and our guests can dip the shit-sticks into their hot coffee.  Yeah, people like that a lot I think.  Actually, hand me  a few more because Cousin Marcy can’t make dinner so I want to to put some of these shit-sticks into a brown paper bag and leave it on her front doorstep as a nice holiday surprise.  Mmmm shit-sticks.  Nothing like it during the holidays!”

 

 

Product # 3 – Hey there you sexy cockeyed twins!  Are you sexy?  Are you young?  Are you cockeyed?  Any chance you’re a twin?  Any chance you happen to be a young, sexy, cockeyed twin?  Well if so, does Harriet have the sexless dress for you!  These “bright and breezy” sundresses will be all the rage for Spring 2010.  If by “bright and breezy” they mean “musty and shapeless” than this is exactly what you need to really become fashion-forward.  However, if you’re not a fashionista, let me help you decode the dress description.  By “carefree sundress” they really mean “the 8 year olds in the Chinese sweatshop don’t know how to sew” and by “plenty of room” they are, of course, letting you know that it’s big enough to cover your fat ass and saddlebags.  “2 Slash Pockets” is referring to the holes that that moths creates on each side of the “dress.” To be honest I’m not sure what “flounced hem” means, but I’ll either assume it means that they F’d it up or they’re trying to use fancy words that they know cockeyed twins wouldn’t know.  So, ladies, if you’re ready to just pack it in, give up, and start hoarding cats then this is the dress that will help you accomplish all of those goals.  Fashion Tip:  Grow your leg hair out and wear this dress all winter long!

Well that concludes another week of crap from Harriet Carter.  I really feel like I’m helping people.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Thanksgiving and Beyond….

This Thanksgiving I am most thankful for all the joy that Harriet Carter brings to my life and I’m also thankful for no pending lawsuits.  Let’s take a look at some helpful products, etc that I have been most thankful for.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Ho ho ho, stupid! You better hurry up your dumb ass and write your illegible letter to Santa Christ because he can’t wait to get your “Urgent” letter so early in the year. I mean, sure there are other more pressing things going on but your letter should be pushed right to the top of his pile. I think it’s great that Mommy and Daddy are spending the time with you on how to address envelopes. I’m sure it’ll get there ASAP especially since you’ve appropriately labeled it “To Santa Claus – North Pole.” Maybe Jesus Claus will be as thoughtful to you when he delivers your gifts to “To Jimmy – USA.” Oh, and Jimmy? Yeah, I’m not sure if you knew that the price of stamps continues to rise, but I’m pretty sure sticking a picture of a candy cane where the stamp “should” go really will qualify as the price for urgent “air mail.” At this point you’re better off rolling up your letter and putting it in one of those beer bottles that your drunken father threatens your cheating mother with every Saturday and Sunday night. Then just toss the bottle into the ocean or flush it down the toilet when you “bury your fish” because I’m confident the path to “Fish Heaven” starts in your drain pipes. Finally, Jimmy, I hope that you weren’t a greedy bastard this year when writing your letter and asked for all toys because since Mommy and Daddy have to help cover the $750 Billion Dollar Bailout you’re better off asking Santa Christ to bring you oil, gas, and electricity. Hope you like home-schooling, Jimmy, because that’s what I see in your future. Ho ho ho! Love, Harriet Claus.

Product # 2 – Hey there sexy pants! Are you sick and tired of having people hit on you and you are so sick of having sexy times that you can barely muster up enough energy to leave your house? Well what would you say if I told you that Harriet Cartercan help you stop ever being hit on or having sex again! You’d probably say, “But IBBB? How can this be?” I would ignore your dumb question, but would tell you the rest anyway. All you really need to do is put on this very elegant and fancy chin strap. Ooo la la, I bet it’s imported from Paris! Now, this striking little beast obviously couldn’t afford her own chin strap. I mean, after all, what is she the Queen of England? If you, too, can’t afford a chin strap feel free to make one on your own. All you basically need to do is place your face through your nana’s old underpants leg. Sure it will smell like Werther’s Originals and cat piss, but at least people won’t be bugging you any more for sexual fun reindeer games. Is it just me or is this what you think that maxi-pads would look like if they became human? Just me? I assumed so. Thanks Harriet for bringing back sexy chin straps. Grrr!

Product # 3 – Are you easy, breezy, and beautiful? Have a few hundred knots in your hair? If you’ve answered yes to either of these questions you’re probably the type of strong willed woman who believes that hairdressers don’t know what the hell they are doing. I mean, why go to a trained hair-cutting professional who has about 156,993 hours of schooling. What do they know? You need a haircut, you do it yourself. If it worked for the Pilgrims on the Mayflower then it certainly can work for you. Now Harriet will teach you how to cut your own hair so you get the look you want every single morning. It looks effortless and painless. Just look at the lady who’s trying it out! She seems calm, happy, and carefree. You can barely tell that the hair-cutting contraption is literally ripping the knots out of her head and that there are small blood droplets on the comb-cutter. Don’t worry that you’ll F up the back of your head because you can’t really see it, because remember if you can’t see it then no one else can, right? Right! It’s just hair. It will grow back. I’m not sure if that still hold true when you’re ripping it out by the root, but it’s worth a shot. As a side note, it’s great to see Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire working again!

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Getting Lucky Tonight? Harriet Will Be the Decider of That.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday.  I really love when Harriet smuts it up just before the main holiday season.  It makes me feel all warm down by my ding-dong.  Anyway, this week Harriet is signaling sex in the bedroom (or bathroom floor), reminds your kids that Santa and his team of reindeer are always watching you…always, and brings back the “poot poot.”  Let’s go! 

 

Product # 1 – 1…2…3….sex light!  1…..2……3…..use your own hand light!  Married to a mute?  Having a hard time figuring out if your wife wants to double down or if you’ll be playing “Shuffle Deez Nuts” all by yourself?  Well if you’re a complete a-hole and answered “yee-haw” to any of these questions, does Whoriet Cocker have the ultimate sex signal outfit for you!  You better pray that your unemployment benefits are being extended an extra month because this is the gift-to-give this whoriday season.  Here’s how it works.  Your husband comes home with Miss Piggy kisses all over his face and he gives you a thumbs up.  This is a signal.  Now you need to decide, “Green Light or Red Light.”  It’s really like Sophie’s Choice at this point.  In this scenario, the wife gives him a green light which lets him know, “Sure, come on in.  Have a look around.  Give it a dusting.  Just clean up when you’re done.”  The other scenario is that you place rollers in your hair and become double cock-eyed the moment your husband walks in the door.  He looks sad, desperate, and pathetic.  All the reasons why you married him (with the exception that your doctor wouldn’t allow you to have that 15th abortion…and you really needed new kitchen stuff).  In this case you give him the red light which lets him know, “Work harder, make more money, and put your own hand down your skid marked underwear for the 24.8 seconds it will take you to shoot your confetti.”   But don’t think you’re better than us, ladies, because some men are color blind and can’t tell the difference between red and green which clearly (and legally) explains why you’re being dry-humped in your sleep.  Either wake on up and join the party or don’t join the party.  Doesn’t make much of a difference to us.  Just try to not move for 24.8 seconds.  Ole!

 

Product # 2  – That’s right little Suzy and little Johnny it’s the night before Christmas!  Now you two better be good boys and girls or Santa won’t bring you any Christmas presents this holiday season.  You see, Suzy and Johnny, we’re in a recession so the likelihood that you’ll be getting a stocking-full of bird-seed is looking pretty good.  Anyway, now you do want to get on Santa’s good side, don’t you?  Don’t you?  Well, now go into the bathroom and take a steaming sh*t on Santa’s reindeer before you go to bed.  Oh that’s right, steaming.  And little Johnny, now’s not the time to “practice your aim” so be sure to sprinkle some of that holiday piss of yours all over Dasher’s face.  Oh it’s fine, he likes it.  And Santa likes it too.  And remember Santa is always watching you.  Always.  It’s kind of a problem, but he’s watching you while you do tinkle-winkle and that one time you used the soap inappropriately in the bathtub.  It’s ok.  You were experimenting and Santa knows it.  I’m sure none of these actions will lead to you receiving that bird-seed, but…if it does….you know why you got it.  Anyway, little Suzy, when you take that steaming dump that you’re famous around the house for, make sure to wipe really good.  Feel free to use Blitzen’s antlers.  Sure, sure, just smear it.  You know, like you did on the dining-room wall that time?  Yeah, same thing.  So, don’t be afraid kids.  It’s totally normal and acceptable for Santa and his reindeer to be watching you while you relieve yourself.  Sure when Michael Jackson did it, it was a legal issue.  But when Santa and Rudolph do it, it’s just plain ole magical.  Oh, and I just got a text message from Santa.  Bird seed.  Good night.

 

Product # 3 – Ugh.  The “poot poot” is back at Harriet Carter.  This time they’ve installed some “poot” into an elephant.  They’ve decided to name this pooting elephant the “Phart Elephant,” you know, because they’re classy like that.  Eh, who gives a phuck.  I don’t give a phuck.  Do you?  I don’t give a phuck if this “phartephant” queephs out if its ginormous phussy.  Your kids will be the hit of the trailer park with the phartephant.  It claims it makes 8 different “phart” sounds, but they only are advertsing the good old standby “poot poot.”  I once knew a girl whose nickname was “poot poot” but that was for a totally different reason and totally different end of the animal…if ya know what I mean.  I’m specifically talking about her vagina.  Vagina.  Was that not clear?  Ok, I’m all done.

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Uh, I’ll Take the Mystery Prize, Monty!

Another Wednesday, another Harriet Carter crapshoot.  I’m pretty excited about one of the products this week because I have absolutely no idea what it is.  And similar to the fun of trying to figure out if Wendy Williams is a man or a woman, the guessing is the best part.  This week Harriet tells us what squirrels like, coins the term “fat mop,” and let’s us play “guess what the hell is going on in this photo and what the product is.”  It’s a great week to be alive.  Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Ohhhhh a “mystery product!”  What a treat for us!  This photo was not changed in any way at all.  It literally has no description or price.  It’s just called the “clip and pull.”  Is this a man or a woman?  Are they wearing a white dress or a towel?  Are their feet in the actual contraption as if it were slippers?  Is there a chair leg coming out of their ass?  And what’s with the closeup pic of the hand?  What are they holding?  My guess, of course, is a “Do It Yourself Gender Reassignment Contraption.”  Now I’m not one of the “scientist doctors” that you “read about” but I’m pretty certain the way that this works is that you wrap a white towel around your waist and slide your feet into two canvas bags.  Simply clip the yellow strap to the canvas foot bags and pull said strap with left hand.  With right hand slip “Mr. Winky Claus” into red loop and pull.  You’ll be a woman before you know it and won’t have to deal with pricey hospital bills and uncomfortable beds.  I knew it was only a matter of time before you could perform this out-patient hospital procedure in the comfort of your own trailer.  Seriously, who’s buying this?  Who’s logging onto the website, looks at that photo, and is like, “Sweet!  I’m gonna get me there one of them there ‘clip and pulls!’”  Fail.

Product # 2 – When your trash is being ripped to shreds by your neighborhood squirrels and they’re dive-bombing you from tree branches, you know what I always think?  I think, “Damn I wish these squirrels had a nice comfy chair to sit on.”  Well now, thanks to Harriet Carter, these rabid rats with bushy tails can sit on a wooden chair that you drill into your tree and eat the food that you provide for them.  And look!  According to the picture, “Squirrels Love It!”  Rumor has it that over 10,000 squirrels  surveyed wrote down that the 1 thing that would improve the quality of their lives would be the addition of “wooden chairs.”  Well they demanded and now they shall receive.  But let’s not just stop with the chairs.  Currently in production are “Squirrel Scarves” to keep them warm this winter, “Squirrel Sporks” so that they can eat their food without getting all messy, and “Squirrel Crest White Strips” because a bight smile is important to even those who eat garbage.

Product # 3 – Mmmmm the “Fat Mop.”  Yum.  Just think, you’re making a nice and romantic dinner for your d-bag of a wife in hopes that she’ll do that one thing that she refused to do the day you both said, “I Do,” and you’re almost done with what I can only assume from the photo is “pork and beans” and you yell out to her, “Honey? Where’s the Fat Mop?  Yeah, the “Fat Mop.”  Where is it?  I want to dunk the “Fat Mop” into my pan of pork and beans that I’m making for you and I want to soak up all the fat so I’ll be needing that “Fat Mop.”  She’ll be so turned on that she’ll practically show up to dinner pantsless.  Keep talking dirty to her and let her know that the Fat Mop soaks up the grease from things like stews and chili.  Bomp Chicka Bom Bom!  Ow!  If she’s really good, let her know that you’ll let her lick the Fat Mop after it’s done soaking up all the fat from the pan.  Send the kids to bed early because it’s going to be a loooooong night.  Ow!  Thanks, Harriet, for making the Fat Mop sexy!

Harriet Carter Wednesday: Harriet, Literally, Scares the Sh*t Out of You. Howling.

Happy Spooktacular Harriet Carter Wednesday!  See what I just did there?  It’s the week of Halloween and I used the word “spooktacular.”  It really made the sentence festive and I think people will be able to relate to it.  I’m a wicked pissah writer like that and junk.  Anyway, this week Harriet shows us innovative ways to make penguins sad by killing them, tries to scare the sh*t out of you (literally), and reminds us that dogs sniffing each others bum-holes can welcome anyone into your home.  Let’s go!

 

Product # 1 – Uh oh!  You better get ready to sh*t your pants twice, you white-trash jokester!  As you know, here in The United States and of the Americas, Halloween is right around the corner and citizens (and only citizens) love to play scary pranks on each other.  Sometimes this consists of pranks in the bathroom.  Sometimes it doesn’t, but this time it does.  Here’s what you do.  You place this “fake” toilet paper roll on the holder and when your disgusting friend, who can’t hold in his food, takes a nasty dump in your newly cleaned toilet he’ll be spraying projectile diarrhea all over the wall after he hears the toilet paper roll saying such spoooooky things like, “Whahahaha,” and “Aaaaaah” and my personal favorite, “Howling!”  Sometimes even when it’s not Halloween I just stand outside of the bathroom and just yell “Howling!” at the person who’s going.   Hopefully this will also scare you with other words like, “Noise,” or “A Witch is Laughing Right Now,” or “Chattering Teeth.”  You and your exploding diarrhea friend will be squealing with delight after he/she realizes that this was just a prank and the toilet paper wasn’t, in fact, possessed.  If that ever happened to me I would “prank” my friend back by using their toothbrush to clean up the sh*t that I sprayed all over their wall.  I’d also use their “for company only” towels to wipe my bum-bum….but I usually do that anyway, so that’s neither here nor there.  Thanks, Harriet, for making taking a “Shasta McNasty” eventful!

Product # 2 -  Whatever happened to the simpler days of a welcome mat that just said “welcome” and maybe had 3 apples going across it?  Well those days are gone (thanks “the 60’s”)  so now you can greet your guests with a nice wholesome doormat consisting of a dog sniffing another dogs bum-hole.  Mmmm!  I can’t wait to enter your house and have some of those Brownies you made, which you probably let your dog lick the egg-beater.  Now should I inject the rabies directly into my body, or just wait it out?  Seriously if this is the doormat you choose to show people I already know you don’t wash you hands after you go to the bathroom, there’s most certainly your snot underneath your coffee table, you use a pencil to clean your ears, you’re wearing 3-day-old skid-marked underpants, you fart under the covers and then dive underneath to smell them out, you clip your nails in work (at your desk…and you work in a cubical), you don’t wash your hands after you handle raw meat, you leave a ring around your bathtub,  you have yellow pit-stains on all your shirts, you sneeze on your hands and then shake hands with others at church, you wear a black coat to work and have white and/or gray cat hair all over it and we have to look at it on the elevator, and you have cat-piss stains all over the rugs in your house that have seeped down right to the hardwood floors.  And it’s permanently stained.  Anyway that’s what this kind of doormat means to me.  What the hell were we talking about again?  Oh, anyway, I’ve already been put on a waiting list for the latest doormat which is of a teenage girl having an abortion.  Hopefully it gets here before Christmas!

 

Product # 3 – If you’re like me you’re probably sick of trying to feed stray dogs Pop Rocks and Coke, kicking three-legged cats, and are really incredibly handsome.  But if you’re also like me, you are looking to really kick up your hatred of animals up a notch.  Well thanks to the PETA department at the Harriet Carter Science Labs, you can slooooowly torture poor innocent penguins.  What fun!  Que suerte!  If you’re sick of always seeing penguins all “cute and happy” you can finally do something about it!  So how ’bout hopping on the bandwagon and giving your very own penguin lung cancer thanks to some constant second-hand smoke!  He’ll like it, trust me. And if you don’t trust me,  just catch a glimpse of his face.  That’s one happy penguin.  Awww poor penguin.  He looks so sad, as would I if someone was using me as an ashtray.  You know what will probably make him feel better?  Maybe just burn him a little with that cigarette.  Maybe on his nose or something.  Maybe all over?  You get to decide because it’s your penguin.  That’s the beauty of this.  I’m also enjoying the hi-tech feature that the description is bragging about when it says, “Close door, fan shuts off!”  Wow-e-wow!  Next thing you know the light will go off in the refridgerator when you close that door too! 

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Harriet Carter Wednesday: Well, You Wanted Kids.

So it’s Harriet Carter Wednesday.  What are you gonna do about it?  You wanna fight me?  Let’s go then.  I’ll meet you out front of the Carter Factory after school, you jerk.  No idea.  Anyway,  this week Harriet helps you find new and inventive ways to sell your snot-nosed children, tricks your kids with the gifts you give them, and celebrates horses with plastic cups because, you know, horses should be celebrated with plastic cups.  Let’s go….

Product # 1 – Hey there little Billy.  Yeah, how’s it goin’?  Uh huh.  Yeah, well you got a sec?  Great, thanks.  You see, Mom and her live-in boyfriend have been having a tough time making ends-meet as of recent.  The economy, well, it exploded, Billy.  It’s partially our old President’s fault and it’s partially your fault because Santa saw you touching yourself in the tub that one time. But why split hairs, am I right?  Anyway, the holidays are coming up, you know, Jesus 2009th Birthday and the Day After Thanksgiving, and the gifts may not be as extravagant this year.  We all know you’ve been asking for the Nintendo Wii for the past 2 years, but your mom and her live-in boyfriend cut back on the amount of scratch tickets that they buy every day and bought you this new video game that’s way better than the Nintendo Wii.  It’s more advance and could basically just kick the Wii’s ass (kinda like how your friends are gonna kick your ass in extra-help-math tomorrow).    Now technically it’s called the “Etch-a-Sketch” but you can call it the “Wii-a-Sketch” or the “Are You Almost 18 Yet?” like we call it.  It’s really interactive too, like the Wii.  For example, see how you drew that very impressive train, Billy?  Well, it’s just like the Wii because that train will actually start moving!  Sure, it’s because your mom will have to take down the screen and chase you around the house with it, but Choo-Choo, Billy, Choo-Chooooo!  And just like the Wii, Billy, you have to be really careful that you don’t accidentally throw the control at the screen.  That’s why mom’s live-in boyfriend is going to duct-tape it around your wrist.  Well, anyway, you’re welcome Billy!  Just think, maybe next year I’ll teach you how to play “cops and robbers” with some toilet paper for a mask and some clothespins for guns!  Study hard, Billy, study hard.

 

Product # 2 – Sick of standing on the stone steps of your town hall yelling “Kids For Sale” like a caveman?  Looking for new and innovative ways to subtly alert the kidnappers just what they’re getting?  Of course you are!  Look, we live in the year 1998 (we do, right?) and everyone is busy.  That includes kidnappers.  Why not help out the nappers and yourself by simply advertising just who you’re trying to get rid of with this handy dandy Harriet Carter Photo Tote.  Now you can simply place photos of Pasty, Creepy Smile, and Open Mouth right on the side of your purse and “promote as you go.”  But look, we’re in a tough market so it’s good to help provide additional incentives for the kidnappers.  That’s right folks!  This tote comes with two tickets to the circus that you can easily display right above the photos!  It’s like the kids practically sell themselves. The days of “hey kid, wanna come over the pet my puppy?” and “hey kid, want some candy?” and my personal favorite growing up, “hey kid, you’re parents have been in a car accident and are in the hospital and wanted me to take you to see them….but if you tell your parents I’ll kill them.”  It was a real win-win in the 1980’s for us kids!  So don’t just wait for the nappers to hand-pick your brats, get proactive!  Get the Three Picture Tote, get rid of your kids, and get that hot tub you’ve been eyeing since the day they were born.

Product # 3 – You know, if it’s two things I like it’s horses and tumblers.  The fact that Harriet Carter has combined my two favorite things makes me thank God each and every day that I live in the good old USA!  Just think, it’s a nice warm day out and you’re looking for a nice glass of lemonade.  Obviously you’re going to get out your fanciest glasses which, I’ll assume, is going to be the Horse Tumblers.  You’ll be the envy of the trailer-park once you tell your toothless friends that these tumblers are “made of shatterproof plastic.”  Almost unheard of in this day and age.  Seriously, do people like horses this much?  When I think of horses I think of horses taking nasty dumps in Central Park.  The last thing I’d want to see before I swallowed some lemonade is a horses ass, you know?  I’d rather watch Harriet shave above the knee, if ya know what I mean, and I think ya do….because I’m 12.

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Car Crashes, Insulting Violations, and Sassy Wall Art. It Must Be Harriet Carter Wednesday. It Is. That Wasn’t a Trick or Anything.

Oh. Well hello.  Strange seeing you here.  Welcome to the 14,538 Harriet Carter Wednesday in the year of our Lord.  I have no idea what that means, but sometimes I think that if God didn’t rest on the 7th Day we could have actually had an 8th day of the week, which could have been called either Carterday or Whitetrashurday.  This would have allowed us to always have a 3 day weekend.  What the hell am I talking about?  Perhaps it’s my new meth addiction.  Nevertheless, this week Harriet trashes up your car, your jokes, and your wall.  Let’s go!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Product # 1 – Hey there dumb bitch!  Are you a dumb bitch?  I bet you are.  Dumb bitches have been banging up their cars and others’ cars for decades.  Let’s take this dumb bitch.  You see, this dumb bitch ruined her car door because, well, she evidently drives with her head, not only, out the window, but looking up towards the sky as well.  What a dumb bitch.  I’m sure this dumb bitch is driving back from picking up her dumb bitch husband his dumb bitch dry cleaning.  I also wouldn’t be surprised if this dumb bitch left her dumb bitch kid in his carseat…on the roof of the dumb-bitch-mobile.  Maybe she wouldn’t need a giant plastic band-aid if she just, you know, looked where the hell she was going? Even the sun looking down on this dumb bitch thinks this dumb bitch really is a dumb bitch.  Anyone who is reading this in Massachusetts can personally thank this dumb bitch for making your car insurance so high.  What a dumb bitch.  Although, we can all thank the biggest dumb bitch of them all, Harriet Carter, for bringing lazy car repair to the market.  Harriet is the best.  Looks like I’m the dumb bitch.  This concludes a new segment within a segment that I simply like to call “Dumb Bitch.”  I like it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Product # 2 – Who’s ready to get the bag beat out of them?  Well if you’re looking to get shot, stabbed, and your head cut off in the mall parking lot this holiday season, well does Harriet have the perfect thing for you!  Introducing “Rude Fake Parking Tickets.”  Rude Fake Parking Tickets you ask?  Yes, Rude Fake Parking Tickets.  The next time you are so pissed off at the person who messed up your parking space or if you’re just clinically out of your mind perhaps you can write them one of the following tickets.  Try out, “Ugly Driver Violation.”  That’s sweet.  Or perhaps you want to be so politically incorrect you can check off “Mentally Handicapped.” Does Harriet not know that’s a real thing?  Did that Japanese man park too close to you?  Giving him a warning withthe “Not Driving an American Car” ticket.  You’ll bothbe squealing withdelight when he discovers it and then later drives his car like a kamikaze pilot into your Ford Focus.  Or get real creative when someone takes up two spaces withthe ticket that says, “Taking Up 2 Space (Jerk).”  In case you didn’t know, the “jerk” at the end of that is the real zinger.  Even Harriet is getting in on the fun with the description that says, “Failure to pay the fine promptly will result in the suspension of license to breathe!”  Haha, oh that Harriet! She really pushes the envelope doesn’t she?  Anygunshotwounds, good luck in the crowded parking lots!  See you in the ER, followed by court…and then jail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Product # 3 – Blah.  I hate when people try to “Wall Art Insult” me.  It’s the oldest story in the book.  Boy goes to girls house.  Girl opens door for boy.  Boy walks in and sits down on girls couch.  Girl glances up at the wall.  Boy sees wall art.  Boy receives passive aggressive wall art insult.  Date over.  Oldest. Story. In. The. Book.  What the hell is a “Giveadarn?”  Is that like an “Anyskank?”  Sounds similar.  In fact, I believe it rhymes.  This is why I am always equipped with some wall art insults of my very own no matter where I go.  In an instant I’m ready to nail up the wooden sign that says, “My Wallet Won’t Open if Your Legs Won’t!”  If you tie a colored bow to the top of the wooden picture it makes the passive aggressive insult seem a little nicer.  I’m also ready to hang up the “It Probably Smells Like Cat Piss in Here Because You Own Ten Cats….and I’m Not Gonna Fix It!”  Adding the “and I’m not gonna fix it” puts the insult back on them.  Create some wall art insults of your own!  Oh, in the end my favorite part is the description that says, “Hang it proudly in the wall.”  Yes, I think “in” the wall is the best place for it.  Finally Harriet and I are on the same page!

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Harriet Carter Wednesday and the Case of the Halloween Skank

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to one, all, and none.  All at the same time.   This week Harriet brushes your fright-wig with realistic color, gives a shout-out to the Halloweenie Whore, and scares the skid-marks out of your underpants with what I can only assume is a three-headed owl.  All normal. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Ooh la la!  With a hair coloring brush that fancy you would have thought they would spell it “colouring.”  No one, and I mean no one, will ever know that you simply brushed the “colour” directly onto your own natural looking hair.  I may not know about simple things like love, helping people, being nice, and hair color but is it normal to go from bleach blond to “desk stain” brown in one sitting?  I think that “colour” is going to burn a hole right through her itchy looking wig.  Nevertheless (bonus points for using that word), this chick is turning into the New Jan Brady in just seconds.  With all the time she has left over she’ll be able to give her miserable childrens an extra beating AND have time to pick up her 120 day supply of pain meds.  Personally, I like how it says that you can get professional salon results …and then the next sentence is “requires two AA batteries.”  See?  That’s the difference.  In a professional salon I think they use 4 D batteries.  Eh, either way I think it’s great the Olympia Dukakis is getting work again.

 

 

Product # 2 – Ah yes, the Halloween Knob Greeter.  I used to know a girl who was known as the Halloween Knob Greeter.  Similar to bobbing for apples the Halloween Knob Greeter is always the hit of the party.  Sometimes wet, sometimes a little sloppy, always drunk, the Halloween Knob Greeter shall not be confused withthe Thanksgiving Turkey Gobbler.  Now don’t get me wrong, both are givers.  Both bring a little more light to the holidays.  Both are about two more Zima’s with a crazy straw away from doing a private web cam show.  Or so I’ve heard.  Anyskank, this HKG not only provides minutes of life changing fun, but also lets complete strangers know that no one is home at your house.  Not only should you help yourself to some candy, but also feel free to toss your crowbar through their front window and help yourself to their priceless Hummel collection.  Thanks, Harriet, for finally giving “that girl” a formal festive name.

Product # 3 – Hey kids!  Look, daddy is going through a bit of a tough time due to the economy. Hmm, let me see how else I can explain this.  The automobile industry got the swine flu because Sarah Palin’s unwed daughter got pregnant with the Mama’s and the Papa’s illegitimate baby so basically, daddy lost his job and, no, we can’t go to the zoo this week.  We can, however, go into our backyard and look at the three headed Siamese plastic owl that daddy bought you.  It won’t just scare away the bunnies and the birds, but also you and your bratty little brother.  See how real it looks?  When one plastic head spins to the left, the other plastic head spins to the right, and both knock heads of the third owl that is sorta in the middle.  It’s basically the Rocky Dennis of the thriving plastic owl industry.  You’re welcome, kids.  Now go inside and ask mommy to get off the mailman.  Thanks.

Harriet Carter Wednesday: It Smells Like Pussy Time!

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday Thursday!  With The Hills now on Tuesday nights, the Harriet Carter time slot has been temporarily moved to Thursday.  Perhaps I’ll switch it to Monday.  At the end of the day it’s really not any of your business.  Nosy.  Anyway, this week Harriet keeps your stuff safe for about 10 seconds, helps you decide what time you should kill yourself, and finally lets you know what Swine Flu smells like. Yum!  Let’s go!

 

 

Product # 1 – Are you trying to figure out exactly when you should  be taking the ultimate dirt nap?  Are you looking for a sign if you’ve come to the end of days?  Are the only people left in your life the cats that surround your clock?  Well if you answered “meow, bitch, meow” to any of these rhetorical questions then does Harriet have the final sign for you!  Introducing the Pussy Cat Clock!  The only real decision you’ll have to make is if you should kill yourself at half past the white cat or quarter ’till the brown cat.  Either way it’s a win-win.  Now I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Hey IBBB, you’re 7 sentences in and you’ve only made one pussy joke.”  I’d answer, “Snatch.”  I know what else you’re thinking, “Hey IBBB, if I’m so lonely who’s gonna help me end it all?  I’m too lazy to do it myself.”  I’d answer, “Meow.”  I’d also answer, “It’s time to get creative!  Now I’m assuming you have upwards of 12 cats in your hoarder of a house.  In actuality you probably have 20 cats, but 8 of those cats are dead under the 16 years of newspapers that you’ve never thrown out.  Anygross, here’s what you need to do.  Hang rope from ceiling fan.  Tie live mice to bottom of chair.  Stand on chair.  Use rope on self.  Call cats over to chair.  Hope that cats knock chair over.  Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. ”  You’ll be squealing with delight from hell when your ghost is watching the paramedics trying to call the time of death.  Thanks Harriet for guaranteeing my place in hell.  I, of course, will see you all there.  M-E-O-W!

Product # 2 – Hey there fatass!  Food always on your mind?  Do you have a hard time writing without breaking into a cold sweat due to hunger pains?  Me either!  Well now you don’t have to live like a caveman anymore and write with pens that don’t smell like your favorite foods.  Now you can fully concentrate on your math homework and sniff vanilla cupcakes the entire time.  Don’t forget to ”carry the 1″ tons-of-fun!  Not for nothing, but whatever happened to just, you know, writing with pens that, you know, work just like pens.  Regular pens.  Why do they need to smell?  I remember simpler times when you’d be in school and just smell your own farts.  Those were the days.  Actually, those still are the days, but I digress.  Also, I have an idea.  Why not keep things that your dirty fingers have been on away from your nose and mouth.  I mean, let’s try to keep the spread of the Swine Flu down to about 65% of the population instead of the 70% as predicted.  I can just picture little Messy Tessy digging for clams and then you ask to borrow her meatloaf scented pen.  You just can’t help yourself and so you sniff and lick it for your entire   Social Studies class.  Presto.  Swine Flu.  Thanks Harriet for keeping us obese and on our death bed.

Product # 3 – Hola ladies!  Are you looking for a new padlock for your chastity belt?  I’m sure there are a few non-skanks left out there, right?  I mean with the latest craze of “sexting” I doubt any of you will need this, but in the unlikely event you are virgin-like, Harriet has you hooked up.  Introducing the “Siren Padlock” or the “Yelling Boxlock” as I like to call it.  Simply lock your box with this contraption and if anyone tries to tamper with it it will go off for a full “ten seconds.”  Oh no!  Not 10 FULL seconds?!  How in the world can anyone stand an alarm sound for 10 seconds?!  So let me get this right.  The alarm goes off.  Maybe a neighbor hears it and by the time they realize what it is the alarm stops, to which your neighbor thinks you probably turned  the alarm off and then they carry on with their regular activities (beating their kids).  Now I’d like to know that when this alarm does go off for a never-ending 10 seconds, does that yellow lightning bolt squiggle line also appear?  Because if it does I might just buy it.   If all of a sudden I saw a cartoon-like yellow squiggle line appear I’d certainly run the other way.  And by “run” I mean “go back to sleep.”