More Mindless Stories on ‘harriet carter’
Hey there, Fats. How’s it going? Itchy, I assume? A little sweaty? You betcha! If you’re sick and tired (yet not full) with stomach and FUPA sweat stains on your Hanes Husky and Pajama Jeans, does Harriet have the product for you! Introducing, Tummy Liners. If you’ve thrown your hands up and surrendered to the fats and are ready to truly band-aid-fix this little pickle you’re in, then Tummy Liners are the perfect product for you. All you need to do is simply lift up the layers upon layers of fat and slap on one of these Tummy Liners. Just be sure to vacuum under all that fat before you apply the liner so that these trusty liners don’t immediately fall off due to the excess popcorn kernels and, of course, the excess Nutella that is likely to shellacked to and fro your stomach. You know it’s there, as do I. As. Do. I. What better way to let your husband know you’ve officially “given up” than with these brilliant life-companions? Just think how much you’ll turn him on when at night you whisper in his ear, “Honey, you wanna apply my fat pads to my second stomach…under the 3rd roll?” He’ll be dumping the Viagra down the toilet and slamming his ding-a-ling in the screen door until baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary provide him with sweet release from this cruel and obese world splattered with Type II diabetes.
You’re sure to be the talk of all your Weight Watchers meetings when you show up not in pain due to fat rash and the like. Plus, everyone will think you’re like trailer royalty because these Tummy Liners are “imported.” Ooo la la, it’s like they’ve come direct from Paris. That’s in France! I think it’s great that we as Americans are as dumb as a box of bricks and can’t create liners like these. Oh hell no. Get those math geniuses over in the China to invent these and, you know, own us one day. Because I’m pretty sure that’s how all that works, as my 8th grade nun brainwashed us on the regular. So the next time you’re complaining about your itchy FUPA just remember, if you don’t just lose the weight you’re basically hurting America and keeping families out of work. The More You Know. Also, sit Ubu sit. Good dog. Woof.
Last week we had Diddle Fingers and this week, thanks to the fashonista who failed at becoming a Maxxinista at Harriet Carter, we are happy to introduce you to Slut Fingers: Holiday Edition. Ho ho ho. Literally. Christmas is just under 8-months away so now is the perfect time to start figuring out just how skanky you can make the happiest time of year. Clearly Rod Roddy is rolling over in his oversized bedazzled grave because one of Barker’s Beauties escaped the 70’s porn-inspired set and landed a photo shoot at he Harriet Carter headquarters. I’m sure you’re thinking this was pre-dirt nap Anna Nicole modeling and after researching it for around 11 seconds I realized I was wrong too. Although this chick is totally looking at us saying, “You wantmy booooody? You wantsome moooooney? You want a viiiiiper?” As a wise woman once said, “TrimSpa baby.” Also, this chick is totally pantsless and I’m sure she has a mistletoe hanging just north of the cameltoe.
Since she’ll most likely be thumbing a ride with truckers on I-95 and providing countless hours of road-head in absentia (graduation day bonus word!) of actual legal US currency, it’s only fitting that her nails look like candy-canes and are just as long as most of the people who apply to appear on Hoarders. Cut nothing. I’m actually not sure whose hands those are, but my money is on the fluffer. And you can totally tell she’s a great actress because her eyes are saying, “I got my nails done. Here are my hands. Both of them. Look at them. Buy this product.” The oddly tiny Santa hat barely staying on the side of her head really conveys the message of, “I live in a rusty dumpster all year round and have a tea party with the mice. This is Eeeek’s hat.” Oh, and there must be extra money around the “studio” during this “shoot” for a hair and makeup person because someone has taken the time to perfect the “Gretchen Rossi I’m Too Old to Have Hair This Blond With Giant Curls” look. Nailed it. Again, probably literally.
Clearly the target market for these nail is the OC as well as those part of the deep south wear tumbleweed blows by on the regular. You know which parts I’m talking about. It’s the same parts where middle-aged women living in trailers have webcams and “get sexy” for pervs on the other end, assuming this is what the “American Dream” is all about. And you know what? It is. It really is. So the next time you’re hanging decorative candy canes on your Christmas tree for your loving little children I want you to stop and think for a second, “Am I slutty enough?” If you even doubt you are then I want you to press on these nails, put on your boots, and head out to I-95 for a little holiday “mommy fun.” Merry Christmas everyone…except to those who don’t believe in Jesus….then I wish you fun spending eternity in hell with Tony Danza. Most likely. I don’t know.
Wanna be a slut with me? Well then join me on my Facebook page, but of course! And be sure to “Like” this post so it spreads around “The Facebook” like wildfire and then I can rally sell out once and for all. Ole!
Finally! A clothing line for your small town pedophile. This is totally an untapped market and one that, clearly, we should be focusing on. Gone are the days of the ice cream man in that rusty truck trying to snatch (giggity) up your kids. Ice cream blow pops are so 1986 and, let’s face it, more of a clown van type of thing. Today the “designers” at the House of Carter are catering towards that one guy in the neighborhood who stares just slightly too long. You know the one. Now, with the beauty of “Diddle Fingers” you no longer have to wonder, “Hmmm, is he going to diddle?” The answer now, of course, is always, “Yes!”
Say goodbye to the khaki trench coat and hello to this set of underpants…for your hands. If you listen quietly you can hear the angels and the guy from “I Know My First Name is Steven” praising sweet baby Jesus (not “de la Cruz”). The Diddle Fingers even come equipped with your standard pee-pee hole, as it should. As. It. Should. Perhaps that’s where you can hide your enticing candy or a tiny little scroll of the most popular baby names of 2005 in hopes that you’ll make a lucky guess. Run for it, Emma! If you really want to kick it up a notch (and be authentic after all) be sure to pound in a line of coffee grounds on the palm of your hands so that it really gives your Diddle Fingers that skid-marked look you’re going for. A couple of drops of extra virgin (wink wink) olive oil on the front will really make the “pee stains” pop! If Martha Stewart was promoting these on the Today Show, she’d most likely suggest first gluing a half pack of Certs (with a hot glue gun) to your hand before you put on your Diddle Fingers. I mean, you don’t want to give the goods away for free, but sexing up your hands a bit certainly won’t hurt the cause.
At the end of the day, it’s a real dog-eat-dog world out there. The economy is still in the crapper and this even impacts your regular Level III sex offender. An offender has got to eat so it’s time to really step up your game. Having some kids petting your puppy in your truck or telling you your parents have been in a terrible car accident and you need to get into their wood-paneled station wagon so they can take you to the hospital is purely a strategy from yesteryear. Diddle Fingers is the future. Who wants to live in the past?
Tired of trying to keep your kids and their slimy little fingers away from the electrical outlets? Getting a little bored with watching them clumsily crawl aimlessly around the house? Looking to add a little excitement to your day? Well if you answered “I’m an idiot!” to any of these questions, boy does Harriet have the product for you! Introducing “Creative Outlet Stickers” for your electric outlets. Let’s just see how smarty pants your brat is (just like you always brag about to your douche-bag friends) and if they can really keep their fingers away from the cute little smiley faces that you pasted all over the outlet. Add some extra stickers to the outlet to increase the chances they’ll light up like your fake Christmas tree when you add the cute mustache and baseball hat to it! The whole family will be squealing with delight when you tell Junior to crawl over and “tickle the cute dog face with pink tongue.” If you really want that puppy you’ve been begging for, let’s see if you can take care of this 240 watt dog.
Can’t wait for the 4th of July and it’s only January? Toss a bucket of water at Junior just about the time he’s sticking the eyeglasses on his new outlet friend. Presto! It’s the 4th of July any day of the year! But don’t just think this fun has to only be had with the outlets. There are other fun games you can play with your kids too. For example, give the glass door of the oven a kiss when you’re making a pie. Or, perhaps, bobbing for apples in the toilet (tip: butter the toilet seat for increased slippage). Or finally, what about the simple game of “juggle these knives?” The possibilities are really endless! So thanks, Harriet, for finding new and innovative ways to de-babyproof your entire home. Ole!
If you know me you know there’s one goal I have in my life and that is, of course, to stab a puffy leather couch with a butcher knife. That’s all. Some people dream big, some just want to slash leather. I’m not saying it’s normal. Well, the scientists over at the Harriet Carter labs must be faithful readers of IBBB because they’ve “invented” something called “Clear Patch Tape.” What is Clear Patch Tape, you ask? Well according to the description you can forget that “ugly “ duct tape when trying to patch up your puffy leather couch stab wounds. Now all you need to do after slicing and dicing is simply cut off a piece of this clear tape and then simply place it over the gash and, voila!, “the poors” furniture looks as good as new if “new” was code for “tape on your couch that eventually will turn black from dirt around the edges after one week.” Plus there’s nothing more that likes to pick at things like bratty kids and even brattier pets. So basically your stab wound that’s turned into a tape mark will shortly turn into claw marks. And I love how it says it’s also great for window glass. Safe! Make it easy for your neighborhood burglars to get right in simply by pulling the tape off the window glass so they scurry right inside and steal your plastic Boston Celtics tumbler set of 4 that you got for $1.99 each when you bought enough gas at Shell circa 1988! Sadly, you’ll now need to remove these items from your will. Your kids will be heartbroken.
Seriously, how is this an option? More importantly, how is this anything more than just tape? I mean the chick in this picture has the money to get her Housewives of Orange County nails done on the regular, but she can’t afford to get this couch professionally fixed? If you can’t afford to take care of the puffy leather couch you shouldn’t buy it. Would you put an Oldsmobile emblem on your Mercedes if someone stole your Mercedes emblem? I think not. If you’re going to stab your couch, you have to pay the penalty.