More Mindless Stories on ‘full house’

Jodie Sweetin’s Book, “unSweetined,” Will Be My New Bible

Praise Jesus Claus, Santa Christ, and the Holy Mr. Bear!  Jodie Sweetin has a new book coming out titled, “unSweetined,” which is a memoir of her life.  Now personally I would have called it either of the following: “How Rude: How Mr. Bear Got Me Hooked on Wine and Meth” or something catchier like, “I Never Got Over the Death of Papouli: The Jodie Sweetin Diaries.”

Moving on.  According to our friends (who don’t know us) at People Magazine, we can learn a lot about the demons that Jodie fought after Full House wrapped after 8 mind-numbing seasons.  For example:

• Jodie got so drunk at Candace Cameron’s wedding that she puked and was carried out:  Oh shiz! Wait until Danny finds out about this!  Stephanie and DJ are going to have to come up with a song better than “Dad, Dad, Dad…He’s So Rad, He’s Our Dad” to get out of this.  Also, Jodie doesn’t confirm if by Candace’s wedding she meant the wedding to that hockey player or Uncle Jesse’s Greek nephew.  Eh, scratch that.  I’m pretty sure they got divorced by walking backwards around the kitchen table.
• Jodie did ecstacy in high school and cocaine in college: More shocking that Jodie went to college? 
• At the Olsen Twins premiere of their movie, “In a New York Minute,” Jodie was “high as a kite” on the red carpet and snorted meth in a bathroom stall.  Jodie brags, “I look at photos from that event and I didn’t even look strung out!” :  Impressive.  I wonder if Jodie was a little more strung out than she thought because I think she confused the “red carpet” from “In a New York Minute” with her “living room couch” whilst watching the direct-to-video of the Olsen Twins singing “I’m the Cute One.”
• Jodie was adopted when she was 9-months old and her real mom abused drugs and her dad was killed in a prison riot:  Um, her dad was Danny Tanner and her mom died shortly after Michelle was born.  Drugs much?

I’m hoping Jodie’s book also is available in the audio version because I’d like to listen to it on repeat whilst I sleep.  Also, if Jodie is asking for my advice, and I think she is, she’s going to need a huge bomb to really sell the piss out of this book, similar to the way Mackenzie Phillips did. Oh, I don’t know…off the top of my head…uh….em…er….uh….ok, perhaps she had a consentual sexual relationship with both Papouli and Mr Woodchuck?  Did somebody say…..wooood?  Or maybe she used the one Olsen who wasn’t filming scenes that day, as a drug-mule?  Maybe she gave sexual pleasure to Comet?  Maybe she had a three-way with Kimmy Gibbler and DJ’s Spanish teacher that kissed Danny?  Sky is the limit, Sweetin, sky is the limit!

I would like to interview Jodie for this blog. Just putting it out there.

“unSweetined” comes out on November 3rd. Buy it, read it, buy it again.  Buy it for all of your Christmas gifts.  Buy it, read it, record you reading it, put it on iTunes, have Kandi from Real Housewives of Atlanta remix it, and then buy that song version of the book. 

Remember That Episode of Full House When Stephanie Had to Get Glasses and She Had a Dream Her Glasses Were Huge….

…well these are where those glasses finally ended up.  Lourdes…um….Lourdes Blank?  Does she have a last name?  Anyway, Lourdes Madonnastein, her Kabbalah unibrow, her Stephanie Tanner glasses, her Frenchie jacket, and her billions of “soon to be inherited” dollars left the Kabbalah center and, well, that’s about it.  Funny joke about glasses.  Funny joke about unibrow. Check. Check. Done. 

An Indistinguishable Olsen Smokes and Kisses. Looks Like She Learned A Lot from Gia’s Makeout Party!

Papouli must be rolling over in his grave right now. Oppa! Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was caught smoking and making out with someone on the streets of New York City over the weekend.  Looks like someone learned a thing or two from watching reruns of the Full House episode titled “Gia’s Makeout Party.”  Even though Stephanie never wanted to makeout at that party you know it was only because her chin was getting in the way. How rude!  She looked like a geek burger with cheese when Danny showed up to bail her, soon to be, meth ass out of that party.  Where was I going with this?

Anytroll, this indistinguishable Olsen in question looks like a dream come true with her big sunglasses and lit cigarette that is millimeters away from burning her boyfriends face.  Honestly, I’d rather make sweet love to a used ashtray than put my tongue in that Olsen mouth that must smell and taste like Misty 120’s.  Smoking kills, stupid.  You have a billion dollars to spend.  Try to stay alive.

Lollipops and Gummi Bears are My Favorite Treat….

Who Will Get Custody of Mr. Bear?

Oh Sweetin. Oh my little Sweetin. My little Sweetin, poor Sweetin, I’d love to brush that meth out of your hair.

Jodie Sweetin is totally trying to ruin my dream of her getting her own reality show and/or taking part in a future Full House reunion. Poor Stephanie Tanner is not allowed to see her 8-month old daughter without the supervision of one of her parents (Danny Tanner?). This is all thanks to her husband, Cody Herpes, who told a judge that Steponme Tanner is an unfit mother and even drove drunk one time with her daughter in the car. Is that a big deal? Haven’t we all been in the car with our drunk parents before? How else were we supposed to get to school?

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