Happy Birthday Candace Cameron, the Best Geek Burger with Cheese That I Don’t Know.

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Happy Belated Birthday to Candace Cameron or as I continually refer to her as “DJ” or sometimes pronounced “Deeej.”  I typically stick my chin out when I do that as way to look more like Stephanie Judith Tanner.  I’m sure I totally look like a geek burger with cheese when I do it, but I figured the Paula Abdul posters of Paula wearing a leopard skin bikini top taped up to my wall just feet away from Mr. Bear probably makes me seem even more like a Greek burger with cheese (shout out to Papouli…..oopa!).

DJ Tanner is 34 years old today and, the last time I checked, she is not, in fact, married to Steve, which is heartbreaking really.  I bet that Kimmy Gibbler scooped him up after she dumped that plumber, Duane.  First Kimmy copies the same sunglasses that “Deeej” said she liked and now she steals her man.  Two-timer.

What can we say about our favorite Deeej?  If I’m not talking about her doing the “one knee touch down” when she was overexercising at the gym with her entire family (and Ant Becky in a cameltoed unitard), I’m referencing the time when DJ sang “Lollipops and Gummi Bears” to little Michelle in a shopping cart at the Wake Up San Francisco 24 hour telethon (the same one where Uncle Jesse performed “Be True to Your School” with the Beach Boys and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders because, you know, that makes sense).  Sometimes I refer to Kathy Santone’s pool party.  However, I don’t believe I ever (in over 3 years) mentioned that time when DJ was taking her SATs and had a nightmare that she was on Wheel of Fortune in which she learned by solving the puzzle that Kimmy Gibbler was going to Stanford University and poor DJ was only going to “Clown U.”

Well, with that said, happy birthday Deeej!  Clown U would have been a better place with you in it.  Oopa!

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Ant Becky and Uncle Jesse Still Doing Their “Taxes?”

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I only want to live in a world where everything is constantly about Full House.  Is that too much to ask?  Look, I read “The Secret” and it says that I need to put out into the universe exactly what I want and, in turn, I will get it.  Well, for the 100th time (today), “I Want a Full House Reunion Back on Prime-time.”  So there we have it.

Anygeekburgerwithcheese, Uncle Becky and Ant Jesse (typo, I’m leaving it in) were practically making out (I made that up) while having lunch at Mauro’s Cafe in LA just the other day.  They say it was “lunch” but I’m sure they were really doing their “taxes” and just had to tell Michelle that so she wouldn’t pitch a bitch-fit.

Personally, I like how Ant Becky dresses younger now than she did when she was actually on Full House.  I mean, then she was literally 28 years old and dressing like a 47 year old no-nonsense business woman from the early 1980′s.  And, just for kicks, let’s pretend that the other two guys with them are either Nicky and Alex or Danny and Joey.  Oh! Or Joey and Mr. Woodchuck come to life!  Yeah, I like that one better!

It’s times like these that I really wish that Papouli was still alive.  You know, not dead from being killed by that ugly popsicle stick bird-house that Michelle made for him in exchange for him teaching her “a great dance.”  Yeah, some dance.  Dance of death, more like it.  Oopa!

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Buy the House Where Papouli Died!

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They call me Papouli because Grandpa sounds so old!  Oopa!  I am tipping over my couch as we speak to find all the spare change I can get my hands on so that I can fulfil my pathetic life dream of owning the Full House house.  Yes, my friends, the Full House house is for sale!  According to recent reports that I surprisingly didn’t make up, the asking price is $4.1 million.  Currently there is no word yet if the remains of Papouli are part of the sale, but one can assume.  Also in question is Stephanie’s bee costume, Uncle Jesse’s original mullet, Michelle Tanner’s Greek cousin, DJ’s Paula Abdul posters, the sunglasses that Kimmy Gibbler bought the second DJ mentioned she wanted them, Uncle Joey’s “Mr Woodchuck,” or Danny’s dresser that was moved to cover the hole in the wall that DJ and Steph created whilst fighting.  During the closing I’m hoping that DJ and Stephanie sing “Dad, dad, dad.  He’s our dad.  He’s so rad.”  I mean, for $4.1 million I’ll make them sing it, by law.

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IBBB Exclusive: John Stamos Extortion Photos and Blackmail Pictures!

Breaking News:  Word has spread throughout the world (I have no idea) about the John Stamos extortion and blackmail plot (da-da-dunnnn).   An alleged white-trash-honky-tonk couple were threatening to sell secret photos of John Stamos to the tabloids unless Uncle Jesse paid them $680,000 (da-da-dunnnnn)!  Supposedly these pictures would tarnish the good name that is John Stamos.  Well, Allison Coss, 23, and Scott Sippola, 30, of Marquette, Mich., were arrested last week as the US Attorney General and the FBI foiled this extortion plot (da-da-dunnnnn).

IBBB can exclusively show you the pictures in question.  And you know what?  They were right.  These photos will, in fact, destroy John Stamos.  I mean, Mr Bear in bed with you and Papouli?  Really, John?  Taking poor little Michelle to a Vegas strip club?  Shame on you, John.  Shame!  And don’t even get me started on the alleged molestation of Mr. Woodchuck.  Did somebody say wood?  Why, yes.  Yes, Mr. Woodchuck.  Somebody did say wood.  And that somebody will never be able to hurt you again.  Never!

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*special thanks IBBB reader, Janeen, for keeping me on high-alert

Breaking News: Papouli Comes Back to Life, Signs Up for Twitter.

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In keeping with the Full House theme of the week/my life, it seems Papouli has come back to life and has signed up for a Twitter account.  Who knew he was so technologically advanced?!  Anyoopa, Papouli is hitting up his Full House family now that he’s back from the dead and he’s letting them know that he still loves them and is always with them.  He’ll also be spewing out complete nonsense until a court-order makes him shut down the account.  Oh and by “he” I, of course am talking about “me.”  Yup, my loser stats just hit tilt.  You should follow “him” anyway at www.twitter.com/thepapouli

Also, as you can see, Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler) was a good sport.  I will revitalize her career if it’s the last thing I do.

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Jodie Sweetin's Book, "unSweetined," Will Be My New Bible

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Praise Jesus Claus, Santa Christ, and the Holy Mr. Bear!  Jodie Sweetin has a new book coming out titled, “unSweetined,” which is a memoir of her life.  Now personally I would have called it either of the following: “How Rude: How Mr. Bear Got Me Hooked on Wine and Meth” or something catchier like, “I Never Got Over the Death of Papouli: The Jodie Sweetin Diaries.”

Moving on.  According to our friends (who don’t know us) at People Magazine, we can learn a lot about the demons that Jodie fought after Full House wrapped after 8 mind-numbing seasons.  For example:

  • Jodie got so drunk at Candace Cameron’s wedding that she puked and was carried out:  Oh shiz! Wait until Danny finds out about this!  Stephanie and DJ are going to have to come up with a song better than “Dad, Dad, Dad…He’s So Rad, He’s Our Dad” to get out of this.  Also, Jodie doesn’t confirm if by Candace’s wedding she meant the wedding to that hockey player or Uncle Jesse’s Greek nephew.  Eh, scratch that.  I’m pretty sure they got divorced by walking backwards around the kitchen table.
  • Jodie did ecstacy in high school and cocaine in college: More shocking that Jodie went to college? 
  • At the Olsen Twins premiere of their movie, “In a New York Minute,” Jodie was “high as a kite” on the red carpet and snorted meth in a bathroom stall.  Jodie brags, “I look at photos from that event and I didn’t even look strung out!” :  Impressive.  I wonder if Jodie was a little more strung out than she thought because I think she confused the “red carpet” from “In a New York Minute” with her “living room couch” whilst watching the direct-to-video of the Olsen Twins singing “I’m the Cute One.”
  • Jodie was adopted when she was 9-months old and her real mom abused drugs and her dad was killed in a prison riot:  Um, her dad was Danny Tanner and her mom died shortly after Michelle was born.  Drugs much?

I’m hoping Jodie’s book also is available in the audio version because I’d like to listen to it on repeat whilst I sleep.  Also, if Jodie is asking for my advice, and I think she is, she’s going to need a huge bomb to really sell the piss out of this book, similar to the way Mackenzie Phillips did. Oh, I don’t know…off the top of my head…uh….em…er….uh….ok, perhaps she had a consentual sexual relationship with both Papouli and Mr Woodchuck?  Did somebody say…..wooood?  Or maybe she used the one Olsen who wasn’t filming scenes that day, as a drug-mule?  Maybe she gave sexual pleasure to Comet?  Maybe she had a three-way with Kimmy Gibbler and DJ’s Spanish teacher that kissed Danny?  Sky is the limit, Sweetin, sky is the limit!

I would like to interview Jodie for this blog. Just putting it out there.

“unSweetined” comes out on November 3rd. Buy it, read it, buy it again.  Buy it for all of your Christmas gifts.  Buy it, read it, record you reading it, put it on iTunes, have Kandi from Real Housewives of Atlanta remix it, and then buy that song version of the book. 

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Remember That Episode of Full House When Stephanie Had to Get Glasses and She Had a Dream Her Glasses Were Huge….

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…well these are where those glasses finally ended up.  Lourdes…um….Lourdes Blank?  Does she have a last name?  Anyway, Lourdes Madonnastein, her Kabbalah unibrow, her Stephanie Tanner glasses, her Frenchie jacket, and her billions of “soon to be inherited” dollars left the Kabbalah center and, well, that’s about it.  Funny joke about glasses.  Funny joke about unibrow. Check. Check. Done. 

An Indistinguishable Olsen Smokes and Kisses. Looks Like She Learned A Lot from Gia's Makeout Party!

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Papouli must be rolling over in his grave right now. Oppa! Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was caught smoking and making out with someone on the streets of New York City over the weekend.  Looks like someone learned a thing or two from watching reruns of the Full House episode titled “Gia’s Makeout Party.”  Even though Stephanie never wanted to makeout at that party you know it was only because her chin was getting in the way. How rude!  She looked like a geek burger with cheese when Danny showed up to bail her, soon to be, meth ass out of that party.  Where was I going with this?

Anytroll, this indistinguishable Olsen in question looks like a dream come true with her big sunglasses and lit cigarette that is millimeters away from burning her boyfriends face.  Honestly, I’d rather make sweet love to a used ashtray than put my tongue in that Olsen mouth that must smell and taste like Misty 120′s.  Smoking kills, stupid.  You have a billion dollars to spend.  Try to stay alive.

Lollipops and Gummi Bears are My Favorite Treat….

Me gusta all things Full House. I also “gusta” when IBBB readers basically do my job for me. It helps on days in which I am both hungover and not hungover. So let’s mix both of those things together and watch my favorite sister and yours, DJ Tanner sing “Lollipops and Gummi Bears are My Favorite Treat” to her little d-bag troll-like sister, Michelle Tanner.
Who could forget all the wonder that was the “We Love Our Children Telethon” that ran for 24 hours and was hosted by Danny Tanner? Not only are we blessed with DJ’s magical voice (bonus ‘workout’ points for DJ lifting Michelle and doing a little hop-dance), but we also get to see Kimmy Gibbler on a unicycle and Uncle Joey help the Beach Boys and the San Francisco 49′er cheerleaders sing “Be True to Your School.” I can offically take a dirt nap now that I’ve remembered all those details.
Thanks to Lisa D for the clip!

Who Will Get Custody of Mr. Bear?

Oh Sweetin. Oh my little Sweetin. My little Sweetin, poor Sweetin, I’d love to brush that meth out of your hair.

Jodie Sweetin is totally trying to ruin my dream of her getting her own reality show and/or taking part in a future Full House reunion. Poor Stephanie Tanner is not allowed to see her 8-month old daughter without the supervision of one of her parents (Danny Tanner?). This is all thanks to her husband, Cody Herpes, who told a judge that Steponme Tanner is an unfit mother and even drove drunk one time with her daughter in the car. Is that a big deal? Haven’t we all been in the car with our drunk parents before? How else were we supposed to get to school?

I just hope that Mr Bear is never in harms way.

Well pin a rose on your nose. How rude! Have mercy! Cut it out! You got it dude! Well blow me down arg arg arg arg arg! Whoa baby! Hola Tanneritos!

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