More Mindless Stories on ‘full house’
Happy Belated Birthday to Candace Cameron or as I continually refer to her as “DJ” or sometimes pronounced “Deeej.” I typically stick my chin out when I do that as way to look more like Stephanie Judith Tanner. I’m sure I totally look like a geek burger with cheese when I do it, but I figured the Paula Abdul posters of Paula wearing a leopard skin bikini top taped up to my wall just feet away from Mr. Bear probably makes me seem even more like a Greek burger with cheese (shout out to Papouli…..oopa!).
DJ Tanner is 34 years old today and, the last time I checked, she is not, in fact, married to Steve, which is heartbreaking really. I bet that Kimmy Gibbler scooped him up after she dumped that plumber, Duane. First Kimmy copies the same sunglasses that “Deeej” said she liked and now she steals her man. Two-timer.
What can we say about our favorite Deeej? If I’m not talking about her doing the “one knee touch down” when she was overexercising at the gym with her entire family (and Ant Becky in a cameltoed unitard), I’m referencing the time when DJ sang “Lollipops and Gummi Bears” to little Michelle in a shopping cart at the Wake Up San Francisco 24 hour telethon (the same one where Uncle Jesse performed “Be True to Your School” with the Beach Boys and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders because, you know, that makes sense). Sometimes I refer to Kathy Santone’s pool party. However, I don’t believe I ever (in over 3 years) mentioned that time when DJ was taking her SATs and had a nightmare that she was on Wheel of Fortune in which she learned by solving the puzzle that Kimmy Gibbler was going to Stanford University and poor DJ was only going to “Clown U.”
Well, with that said, happy birthday Deeej! Clown U would have been a better place with you in it. Oopa!
I only want to live in a world where everything is constantly about Full House. Is that too much to ask? Look, I read “The Secret” and it says that I need to put out into the universe exactly what I want and, in turn, I will get it. Well, for the 100th time (today), “I Want a Full House Reunion Back on Prime-time.” So there we have it.
Anygeekburgerwithcheese, Uncle Becky and Ant Jesse (typo, I’m leaving it in) were practically making out (I made that up) while having lunch at Mauro’s Cafe in LA just the other day. They say it was “lunch” but I’m sure they were really doing their “taxes” and just had to tell Michelle that so she wouldn’t pitch a bitch-fit.
Personally, I like how Ant Becky dresses younger now than she did when she was actually on Full House. I mean, then she was literally 28 years old and dressing like a 47 year old no-nonsense business woman from the early 1980’s. And, just for kicks, let’s pretend that the other two guys with them are either Nicky and Alex or Danny and Joey. Oh! Or Joey and Mr. Woodchuck come to life! Yeah, I like that one better!
It’s times like these that I really wish that Papouli was still alive. You know, not dead from being killed by that ugly popsicle stick bird-house that Michelle made for him in exchange for him teaching her “a great dance.” Yeah, some dance. Dance of death, more like it. Oopa!
They call me Papouli because Grandpa sounds so old! Oopa! I am tipping over my couch as we speak to find all the spare change I can get my hands on so that I can fulfil my pathetic life dream of owning the Full House house. Yes, my friends, the Full House house is for sale! According to recent reports that I surprisingly didn’t make up, the asking price is $4.1 million. Currently there is no word yet if the remains of Papouli are part of the sale, but one can assume. Also in question is Stephanie’s bee costume, Uncle Jesse’s original mullet, Michelle Tanner’s Greek cousin, DJ’s Paula Abdul posters, the sunglasses that Kimmy Gibbler bought the second DJ mentioned she wanted them, Uncle Joey’s “Mr Woodchuck,” or Danny’s dresser that was moved to cover the hole in the wall that DJ and Steph created whilst fighting. During the closing I’m hoping that DJ and Stephanie sing “Dad, dad, dad. He’s our dad. He’s so rad.” I mean, for $4.1 million I’ll make them sing it, by law.
Breaking News: Word has spread throughout the world (I have no idea) about the John Stamos extortion and blackmail plot (da-da-dunnnn). An alleged white-trash-honky-tonk couple were threatening to sell secret photos of John Stamos to the tabloids unless Uncle Jesse paid them $680,000 (da-da-dunnnnn)! Supposedly these pictures would tarnish the good name that is John Stamos. Well, Allison Coss, 23, and Scott Sippola, 30, of Marquette, Mich., were arrested last week as the US Attorney General and the FBI foiled this extortion plot (da-da-dunnnnn).
IBBB can exclusively show you the pictures in question. And you know what? They were right. These photos will, in fact, destroy John Stamos. I mean, Mr Bear in bed with you and Papouli? Really, John? Taking poor little Michelle to a Vegas strip club? Shame on you, John. Shame! And don’t even get me started on the alleged molestation of Mr. Woodchuck. Did somebody say wood? Why, yes. Yes, Mr. Woodchuck. Somebody did say wood. And that somebody will never be able to hurt you again. Never!
*special thanks IBBB reader, Janeen, for keeping me on high-alert
In keeping with the Full House theme of the week/my life, it seems Papouli has come back to life and has signed up for a Twitter account. Who knew he was so technologically advanced?! Anyoopa, Papouli is hitting up his Full House family now that he’s back from the dead and he’s letting them know that he still loves them and is always with them. He’ll also be spewing out complete nonsense until a court-order makes him shut down the account. Oh and by “he” I, of course am talking about “me.” Yup, my loser stats just hit tilt. You should follow “him” anyway at www.twitter.com/thepapouli
Also, as you can see, Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler) was a good sport. I will revitalize her career if it’s the last thing I do.