More Mindless Stories on ‘failure model chick’

2 Minute Recaps: RACK IS BACK!

• So, er….um….hmmmm. Hmmmmph. Hmmmm. Ummm. Errrr? Hmmm. Hmmmmmph. So, like, uh, Rachel went out and bought herself a brand new rack with all that Harriet Carter modeling money I assume. Holy pigs in a blanket! I didn’t even notice that there is a NEW CHEF because I was literally lost in Rachel’s rack-attack that is not only hanging out of her shirt, but can easily be burned by the pan. Boobs in the pan alert!
• This new season of 2 Minute Chef brings us new camera angles, new camera shots, new host boobs, and a new chef. What happened with Chef Will? Who the hell is this dude? Wait, is that The Rock? I’m pretty sure that’s just a skinnier version of him.
• Wow will ya look at Rachel. She’s all easy and breezy this time around and she’s slurring her words a bit more. I like her better already.
• So, uh, did Chef “Mario” literally just come off the soccer filed before he filmed this or does he have practice right after this segment is over? And did Rach go into her hairdresser and say “Give me Dina Lohan’s hairstyle…STAT!” I’m so confused. It’s like when they replaced Darren on Bewitched and just never said anything. I feel betrayed. Thanks “Will.” Jerk.
• At least the new boobs haven’t made Rachel any smarter because she’s already back to asking such questions as, “This is on the stove?” and “What cheeses, what cheese is this?”
• Oh, I forgot to mention they’re making Artichoke Dip…although I’m pretty sure they’re actually making “Birthing Juice.” Gross.
• For the love of God her boobs are huge. I’m sorry. I’m shocked.
• Seriously, that dip looks gross. They dig right into it and it’s as soupy and watery as Rachel during “ladies days.”
• Ok so that ends another random ass segment. There were some technical difficulties throughout this, but clearly Rachel’s new rack kept us all preoccupied. Chef Mario will have to do for now, but why does she keep calling him honey? For some reason I’m assuming this isn’t a sexual thing.

Until next time!

2 Minute Recaps: Pork You!

• Rachel is really excited to be cooking something new since all she seems to eat is “chicken flavored chicken with a side of chicken!” I know how she feels, although I typically eat turkey flavored chicken with a side of shut the F up.
• This time the pork is going to be Asian flavored and something tells me that Rach isn’t going to be so great with Asian anything. Oh, there we go. Yes, Rachel is visibly relieved that she doesn’t have to go to Chinatown to pick up the ingredients. I’m sure she’s relieved only because when she is in Chinatown she typically has to do the $2 dollar sucky sucky. For $5 dollars she does everything. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Chef Will just made a crack about saving a couple of dogs. Uh yeah, like Asian people eat dogs. Real nice Will.
• What the hell is “Chef Will” talking about? Why would you marinate your pork loin in the sink or dishwasher? Do people do that? Really? I usually marinate my pork loin down my pants. That’s normal right? I make sure its in the front of my pants because there’s too much skid mark build up in the back of my pants. I’m disgusting.
• Oh Christ! Rachel almost suffers from a stroke when Will talks about cooking couscous. Oh snap Will even insults Rachey Poo and everything. They’re a sweet couple. They’ll have brilliant children.
• Gross. That pork looks like pigeon popsicles. No thanks.
• Insert Sexual Innuendo Here: We all have our first times. Oh Will. I bet you want to pork more than just your main course.
• Rachel legit only eats the couscous…..because that makes sense….because that takes 2 seconds to cook. Finally, Rachel is so impressed with herself that she made pork. Yeah, you didn’t make a thing. You used Will for his cooking expertise and for his pork loin…and his meat. Pig!

Well kids, this is the one of the last 2 Minute Recaps as Chef Will and Rachey haven’t cooked anything new in weeks. Let’s hope they didn’t get canceled!?

2 Minute Recaps: Meatloaf Maaaaa!

• We may be up to episode 17, but that doesn’t mean that this crew has learned to yell “cut” yet. Right off the bat within the first 1 second you can hear some lady in the background yelling “3….2…..1.” If I were Rachel I would have thrown my wine glass at her for messing me up by counting whilst I am preparing for my hosting duties. Luckily Rach is a pro and performs magically.
• Now I may not be a chef but can you technically say that ground turkey in the past was like cardboard? Isn’t bad pizza like cardboard? Perhaps Rachael was all drugged up and thought she was eating a turkey burger, but was actually eating a pizza box. Just a thought. However, thanks for the dramatics Rach. It’s like I’m watching Lost!
• How come Chef Will’s cooking strategies always include “using strong flavors.” Isn’t that the point? Who wants flavorless turkey meatloaf? I bet Rach’s idea of strong flavors is farting into the pan. I assume only.
• Why is the ground turkey looking like paste? Is there such thing as turkey paste? Nasty. Now I’m convinced more than ever that Rachel did poo-poo-pants in that bowl. Minx!
• Oh Jesus with the questions! Yes it has to be that kind of apple, Rachel! No, toss in a caramel candy apple. Toss the stick in too! It’ll all cook.
• How come when Chef Will says “add the heavy cream” he looks right at Rachel. More sexual tension? It’s like watching Ross and Rachel from “Friends” except (1) I couldn’t care less about these two and (2) it’s not like watching Ross and Rachel from Friends at all.
• I’m pretty sure that Rachel is a serial killer. She shows the signs of it. When Will is mixing up the raw turkey with his hands Rachey looks into the bowl and shouts “looks awesome!” Yay! Dead turkey carcass. Yum!
• Did Chef Will just call himself cute? Are they allowed to ad-lib like that? Next episode you know Rach-dog is going to refer to herself as a sexy bitch.
• Ok and cue the sexual innuendos: Chef Will tells Rach she has a burn proof mouth and then Rachel opens up her mouth and says “I don’t even wait!” She doesn’t wait. You can tell. Rach definitely enjoys having some hot meat in her mouth. Hopefully when she swallows it won’t burn. She totally swallows. What a pro!

2 Minute Recaps: Coronita?

Back by popular demand is “2 Minute Recaps.” A spinoff of “Harriet Carter Wednesday,” watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you’re new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we’re all settled, here’s my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making “Brussel Sprouts.” Is it “Brussels Sprouts” or “Brussel Sprouts?” Oh well, who cares. Let’s go!

• I have to admit I actually learned something from these 2 crazy cats. I never even heard of “Coronita” only “Corona” but apparently that exists. At first I thought it was a trick, but then I Googled the hell out of it and discovered it’s just another name for Corona in other parts of the country. The more you know.
• Rachel is all “saladed” out and, since she’s a 10 yr old brat, she’s afraid of stinky little brussel sprouts. However, what in the holy hell is she talking about when she says she’s looking for a side-dish (to replace salad) that doesn’t turn to mush!? Uh, how about anything non-mushy. Just a thought.
• Haha! Awesome. I’m pretty sure Chef Will just insulted Rachel’s mother. I love “yo’ mama” jokes. Now if only he could throw “whore” in the sentence somewhere I would be 100% proud of him. Now I’m just 95% proud of him.
• Oh my GOD it’s like cooking with The Riddler. Rachey-poo asks a million f’n questions. She even asks questions I’m not thinking about. Even Will seems pissed. He rolls his eyes at one of her 16 million questions. Put a lid on it, Rach, and stick that purple chest out!
• Uh oh…CLEAR…Rachel is flat-lining. Hopefully that gulp of wine will bring her back to life. All that talk about boiling and draining must really take a toll on her. I mean, to be alert for a 2 minute cooking segment must be strenuous.
• Wait, did Rachel just say she takes in the the can and the box? To which, Chef Will replied, “A can…a box…it doesn’t matter.” Yeah, I guess as long as you’re putting it into something it’s a success.
• When Rach is “smelling the corn starch” and robotically stating, “I-don’t-know-how-good-it-is” I can see a microphone attached to her left boob. You mean to tell me that these two can afford microphones, but can’t yell “cut” when they mess up or when things get really awkward? Priorities.
• When Chef Will says that the corn starch is “a nice creaming agent” I’m pretty sure Rachel was thinking, “Wait a minute, I thought I was the nice creaming agent.”
• Like the animal she is, Rachel shoves the entire brussel sprout into her mouth, while it’s steaming hotter than a whore in church. Shockingly she is now burning the insides of her mouth and I’m pretty sure I can see a little panic on her face, no joke. But please, don’t yell “cut” just keep going because this looks great.
• Sidenote: Why does Rachel have a diamond ring on her middle finger? Do people do that?
• I would have paid Rachel $5,000 for Rachel to yell out, “Yowza! Brussel sprouts give me the shits!” and then run off camera.

2 Minute Recaps: The Pilot Episode

• Luckily Rachel is sporting her “peek-a-boob” shirt again for what seems like the 5th week in a row. I’d say let’s chip in to buy her a new shirt, but a little peek-a-boob never hurt anyone.
• What the hell is “food controversy?”
• Haha the “director” (and I use that term loosely) must have told Rachel to show a little anger and frustration so, of course, she basically says “Uggggghhh.” I’m mad too, Rachel. Ugggggggh.
• How come when Rachel has to introduce “Chef Will” she never says his last name? She’s always like “Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllll.” I mean, I wouldn’t want my first and last name associated with this crap either, but it just sounds odd. Let’s call him “Will Williams.”
• Rachel still doesn’t know when things are cooked and asks Chef Will Williams how do you know veggies are cooked? I’m waiting for her next question to be “Where do babies come from, Will?” The answer, of course, is “Santa.”
• Riggity Rach tries to impress us all by letting us know that some people like their vegetables al-dente. Is it bad that at this point I want to shoot Rachel with horse tranquilizers?
• Awesome, I believe Rachel is up to her 3rd chug of wine. Next time I think she should put the wine bottle in a brown paper bag and just drink out of that.
• Ugh. I really am mad now. Apparently Rachel is new to planet Earth. She was blissfully unaware that vegans cannot have cheese. She literally seems shocked by this….and a little pissed off. Something tells me Rachel will not be staying in close touch with her cheeseless eating vegan friends much longer.
• Even though her vegan friends can’t eat cheese Rachel insists on putting cheese on hers. I feel like Rach was that fat little bitchy girl at a 7-yr olds birthday party that basically made the party all about her. She probably blew out the candles on the birthday girls cake, took the first swing at the pinata, cheated while playing pin the tail on the donkey, and pushed people over while getting “right foot green” during the Twister game. Just a guess. I could be wrong.
• What in the holy hell is Chef Will Williams making? How many f’n layers is that thing? No joke it’s 10 layers and won’t even stay together. Rachel, the bratty beast she is, whines that she’s hungry and demands to eat this 10-layer sandwich that is basically on fire.
• Rachel’s mouth opens up like a snake who is about to unhinge its jaw to eat a baby seal. She says “mmmmm” but I’m pretty sure her throat is in the process of closing up as it has been burnt to death.
• As the crapisode concludes and the music is playing you can still hear Rachel bitching about vegans not being able to eat cheese. It’s at this point that I’m pretty sure Chef Will Williams regrets ever going to culinary school. Either way, stars are born with these two, the Harpo and Groucho Marx of our time!