Ok, I don’t want to oversell this, but today is the best day of my life. An IBBB reader tipped me off that my favorite Harriet Carter model, “Failure Model Chick,” was actually in an episode of one of my favorite shows, Intervention. At first I didn’t believe it, but then I found the actual clips from the episode and low (class) and behold there. she. was. What a delight!
Apparently this dude, Peter, was addicted to video games and his best friend Rachel (Failure Model Chick) was trying to save his life. Seriously she’s like VISA….she’s everywhere.
According the person who tipped me off, allegedly, FMC got this dudes family together to convince them he was addicted to video games, just so she could get a few moments on national television. What? The Harriet Carter catalog isn’t national enough!?
The person who tipped me off claims that she is crazy and manipulative and they have a restraining order against her. Seriously, I love FMC!
I’m not sure if the story is true, but clearly she was on Intervention. So, dedicated readers of IBBB, let’s piece together how Rachel is officially in 3 out of 4 of my favorite things: (1) She had a 10 second part in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. (2) She’s in my favorite catalog, Harriet Carter. (3) She was now in my other favorite show “Intervention.”
Let me tell you, if FMC shows up in an episode of The Hills I’m shutting this blog down!
Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Today boys, girls, boys with girl parts, and girls with boy parts do I have a treat for you! I figured since the Harriet Carter Crapalog is a little thin on white-trash products this week I’d come up with a Best of Failure Model Chick: Volume 1. Looking back at the past 2 years of Harriet Carter write-ups I noticed that at the beginning I would tee off on good old Failure Model Chick and hadn’t even named her yet. I mean, what a real treat for me. It’s like looking at my baby book, but instead of a baby book it’s more of a “stuff I wrote that is likely to send me to hell” book. Anyway, FMC catches a lot of crap around here at the IBBB headquarters so I thought it would be fitting to create an entire post dedicated to her. Ode to FMC! Oh, and pay no attention to the numbering. I failed math. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – You should know by now how badly I want to model for the Harriet Carter catalog. No joke, it would be a dream of mine. Look at this chick with the pig hat on her head. Yes, pig hat. Seriously, what? Why would you ever need to wear that? You wouldn’t. Not even for a Halloween costume. When you pull the strings the wings flap and then guess what? Pigs fly. Very funny Harriet. I love it when you state the obvious. They should have a hat in the shape of a horses ass that only Harriet is allowed to wear. Oh, and the look on this girls face is priceless. First off, she has “man face” but second of all you know she’s thinking, “I quit school and moved to LA to become a model and I’m wearing a pig on my head.” Yeah you are sweetie! Now go call you parents and tell them how you got your big break! Just think, this could be the biggest thing you ever do. Wearing a pig hat. Pig. Hat. I’ll help you write the suicide note.
Photo # 2 – It’s a new year and you probably want to get in shape, right? Of course! But, does the gym seem like too much work? Have you ever hoped that you could get into tip-top physical shape by just using your doorknob and some string? Well, guess who’s in luck?? You! That’s right, now you can shed a ton of pounds by hooking up this, what I can only assume is a marionette contraption, to your bedroom door. I know! Once this string workout system is set up just lay on the ground and kick and punch and push and pull like nobodies business! Make sure you wear your spandex shorts too because when you pull the door right off its friggin’ hinges and it comes crashing down on you, you’re going to want to look your best for the paramedics. Once you outgrow this technologically advanced “fitness machine” you should totally try out the newer workout system from Harriet Carter that consists of an elastic, your car, two steak knives, a glass of wine, your coffee table, and (of course) your spandex. It’s basically like “do-it-yourself” gastric bypass surgery at home!
Product # 3 – Woo-hoo! Look who’s back! It’s “failure model chick!” You may remember her from older Harriet Carter products such as, “trapped in the car and need to break free,” and also, “ouch I have back pain and need lightning bolts to straighten me out.” Oh, and who could forget my personal favorite, “wearing a pig hat on my head.” Yup, “failure model chick” is back and this time she is the life of the party with a little drinking problem. Now you too can sport the good old fashioned “Is it 5:00 Yet?” t-shirt. Lucky you. Look how hysterical that shirt is. Do you get the joke? Let me explain it to you. You see, this t-shirt is supposed to let people know that you’ve had such a hectic day that you are ready to get your drink on. Funny, right? Yeah, didn’t think so. Not only is “failure model chick” wearing the shirt with the martini glass on it, but look….she’s also holding a martini. “Failure model chick” is so funny. I suspect she is about 3 more martini’s away from taking a permanent dirt nap. Good luck “failure model chick.” We’ll miss you. Now go into the light.
Product # 4 – A moment of silence please…….”Failure Model Chick” is back! This time around she is sporting a plush dog around her neck that can be heated up in the microwave. I shit you not. Brrrr it’s cold. I wish I had a cooked dog around my neck. Viola! Now you can! And you know that “Failure Model Chick” was all “I’m not putting a stupid cat around my neck for this picture…I’m a successful catalog/crapalog model.” “Failure Model Chick” must be quite the diva on the set. As a side note, let’s just say it…how much of a douche bag does the model in the picture above look like? Also, besides just teeing off on “Failure Model Chick” and crew, why does one need a heated animal around their neck to keep warm? I have an idea…turn the heat on. Nothing will confuse a child more than watching “Mommy” putting a dog in the microwave. Watch out Sparky, you’re next!
Product # 5 – Trying to get out of having to “make sex” with your partner this Valentine’s Day? Well try no longer because just by simply strapping on this “Sexless Sleep Bonnet” you won’t have to come up with excuses any longer! The Sexless Sleep Bonnet comes in the delicate color of pink and will more than likely go up in flames on a hot summer night when a light breeze sweeps across the room. It also looks like it stinks and itches. This Sexless Sleep Bonnet can also work in your favor other ways as well. Want to look your best for that late night booty call and don’t want to show up at your “callers” house at 3am with bedhead? Well it looks like Failure Model Chick is going to look fresh as a daisy when she gets her call. She even goes to bed with a face full of makeup on. Sexy! Happy V-day Failure Model Chick! If Harriet won’t be my Valentine, you certainly are in a very distant second.
Product # 6 – Oh no you didn’t. Oh no you just did not! You did NOT just bring Failure Model Chick back into the Harriet Carter catalog and make her model old man eye glasses!? This, perhaps, is the best day of my life. Where to begin? Well, first and foremost she is absolutely doing her best “Don Knotts from The Incredible Mr Limpet” impersonation and she has it down to a science. As a sidenote, looking at Failure Model Chick in these molester prisoner eyeglasses makes me “Mr. Limpet” if you know what I mean…and I think ya do….because I’m 12…and a pervert. No joke, I think her lips are photoshopped in and I’m pretty certain that half of her has been animated. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to watch a full feature Failure Model Chick cartoon, but this is a little too much. And why the hell isn’t she looking through the eye glasses. They’re not bifocals, right? Seriously she looks like an 85 yr old man who’s going thin on top. That’s a pretty sweater too. Very youthful. What could she be thinking when they’re shooting her? I assume she’s praying that bullets come flying out of the camera instead of flashes. As a sidenote, 2 Minute Chef hasn’t had any new crapisodes in a while. I hope she’s not out of work. Eh, maybe she’ll turn to porn. Thanks Harriet for making this Wednesday a little extra special for me!
Back by popular demand is “2 Minute Recaps.” A spinoff of “Harriet Carter Wednesday,” watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you’re new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we’re all settled, here’s my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Ghetto Watermelon Mojitos.
This 2 Minute Chef isn’t even that great, but the fact that my favorite FMC, Rachel, is “cooking” mojitos is, well, more than I as a loser blogger can take. Therefore, I will be stooping to a new level of “low” and basically just picking Rachel apart. Thank Christ I am perfect.
This time around, Rachey-Poops is sporting a very fancy cooking dress and I’m almost certain she stole this dress pattern from a 1982 Howard Johnson’s Motel on Rt 1, Saugus, Massachsettes. Clearly, wearing bedspreads is all the rage.
Why won’t Rachel cut her Dina Lohan hair? It looks like she showers, let’s half of it air-dry, and then brushes the rest with a pitch-fork. Luckily her ginormous rack-attack takes away from the hair area. I ponder if the downstairs hair is as long as the upstairs hair. I consider writing in a letter to 2 Minute Chef, but have already hit my monthly quota on restraining orders.
Back to the task at hand. Chef Mario really classed things up and brought out the 1987 white blender. I’m certain the blade at the bottom is all rusty, so hopefully they provide tetanus shots with each drink.
Ok no joke, Chef Mario LITERALLY pours in about 16 cups of sugar into the blender and then tells Rachel that he’s added about 1 1/2 to 2 tablespoons of sugar. Rachel, of course, believes him as they covered “measurements” in 4th grade and Rachel dropped out of school halfway through 3rd grade….allegedly.
They finish off the ghetto mojito with a can of Sprite. Seriously what white-trash drink recipe is this? You know Rachel is getting shit-house off of these at the next family Christmas party. Everyone else will, of course, be dressed up and sober and Rachel will start grinding with old Uncle Pete and squeezing Auntie Petunia’s boobies and asking if they’re real. All in a days work at a Platt family holiday.
Rachel wants to stick a straw in the blender and drink directly from it. Honestly, is anyone surprised? I’m not. I also wouldn’t be surprised when Rachel farts up a storm after each drink.
Rachey tries to be all sexy when she asks Chef Mario how much he wants (in regards to alcohol). The way she says it is totally the same way she probably negotiated her deal with the Harriet Carter catalog. She walks into Harriet Carter’s corporate offices and asks them how much they want. She is, of course, tits-to-the-wind whilst asking.
The drink is finally prepared and has chunks of ice it that I’m sure Rachel won’t choke on as she is experienced with swallowing. Read into that any which way you’d like.
Sure this recap crapped the bed, but if the tape kept on rolling imagine the things we would have seen. I would have placed both hands into the blender to stop the pain.
I mean, I don’t want to oversell this but this is the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. Ever. And, if you’re reading this I’m going to assume that this will be the best day of your life as well. If you are a regular reader of IBBB you know and love the weekly Harriet Carter blog posts and, in turn, my obsession with the girl who models in the Harriet Carter catalogs that I lovingly refer to as “Failure Model Chick.” FMC may be a failed model, but she was in an episode of my favorite TV show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” Someone left me a comment about FMC being in an episode, but then they disappeared off the face of the earth so I spent, literally, my entire day searching and searching. And then….I found her.
Not only is FMC in an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, but she is in my FAVORITE episode of all time. Ok, so this is what a loser I am. I have this episode saved on my DVR and have not only watched it about 15 times (no joke) I’ve actually forced other people to watch it with me. AND….it’s on my iPod. So I’ve watched it any time I’ve traveled anywhere. I NEVER EVER noticed that FMC was in the limo, but low and behold there she is in all her glory.
FMC actually played a hooker (with a top hat) and even had a line to say. She may be FMC, but she’s been in more crap than me and, clearly, I’m jealous. Now, Harriet Carter is in Philadelphia. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is shot in Philly. Therefore, I can only assume FMC lives in Philly. The new season starts in September. I’m totally hunting for FMC cameos. What a wonderful and blessed day this is. I hope FMC demanded a raise for Harriet Carter after she has legit acting credentials under her belt. Long live FMC!
Back by popular demand is “2 Minute Recaps.” A spinoff of “Harriet Carter Wednesday,” watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you’re new to this, check out the explainer by clicking here. Now that we’re all settled, here’s my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of fancy pancakes and Rachel’s rack of rack!:
It’s time to make crepes and Rachel is not only already slurring her words a bit whilst falling out of her shirt, but she almost seems ready to orgasm when she cracks the secret code and discovers that they are, in fact, making “tiny little pancakes.” Tiny little pancakes, but “big huge rack.”
Rachel, of course, it immediately 100% confused when “Chef Mario” tells her they are going to whisk the pancake mix. She literally says, “What is this?” Really Rach? Never seen or heard of pancake mix before? She then repeats “pancake mix, more water.” Seriously, I think Rachel shouldn’t be allowed to sleep without one of those baby monitors in her bed just to make sure she doesn’t suffocate herself at night…..or that her boobs don’t explode. Better to be safe than sorry…..whatever that means.
The brilliant questions keep on coming when Rachey-poo asks “Chef Mario” if she can just buy crepes if she wanted to. Sure Rachel, you can totally buy crepes, but see those cameras around you? Know how you have a microphone on? Yeah, well you’re actually hosting and filming a cooking show (believe it or not) so if you went out and bought the crepes there would be no show for you to host. I know, I know. Once in a while it’s important to think about what you’re going to say and then say it if you think it still makes sense.
Um, if they’re making a breakfast dish why are they drinking wine? I guess it’s 9:30 somewhere!
Yeah, no one on the “set” of this show believes in yelling “cut.” Ever. Chef Mario flips the crepe and it rips and folds over a bit and they just show it in the pan like that. Looks like shit to me, jackass.
So who didn’t know that Rachel was going to say “you can’t over do it, right?” when they are filling the crepe with jelly. Uh, yes Rach you could over do it. You could put too much jelly in it. That would over do it. Kinda like when they filled your rack with all that silicon. That kinda over did it. Just sayin’.
Finally, the crepes are done and they look like retarded fortune cookies. No thanks, I’ll pass.
What a cute little touch by having the dog bark at the end. It probably found the old chef, “Chef Will,” tied up in Rach’s bedroom. Skanks.