Lindsay Lohan’s Magical Asthma!

Posted by IBBB

Watch out behind you Lindsay! Freddie Kruger doesn’t care if you’re at the hospital due to asthma related symptoms….he’ll slash your freckly ass!

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Rotten had to stop by el hospital in NYC the other day and those zany paparazzi caught them in the act…of walking through the hospital door. Of course the rumors were flying and Blessed Mother Dinasaur Lohan came to the rescue via People Magazine.

This shit it great. Dinasaur defended her daughter and explained her late night hospital visit by saying, “She was losing oxygen. She couldn’t breathe. She was afraid to go to the hospital because the paparazzi were gonna write about it. She was sick. If you were sick, and you’re mother couldn’t even take you to a hospital because paparazzi will fabricate some story, you know it’s sad. It’s really sad.”

Holy spellcheck Dina! First off I am the WORST speller in the world, clearly. But if I was writing something to People Magazine, I would press F7 before sending out that letter and spell check it up!

Next up, for someone who is “losing oxygen” Lindsay looks pretty good to me. My guess is that Samantha Rotten was using some concoction of bleach, rubbing alcohol, paint thinner, and some sandpaper to try and remove over 16,000 of Lindsay’s freckles and the mix of chemicals made them both ill. Either that or it was a “carpet” dye job gone bad. Maybe Samantha isn’t into the red. Who knows. It’s a matter of preference.

Finally, I do agree with Dina, though, on one point. I do remember when I was little and had the flu and my mother tried to take me to the hospital, but she couldn’t because the paparazzi were following us so she sent me to go there with my dirty lesbian friend who looks eerily similar to Freddie Kruger. Oh wait, none of that happened. Dinasaur, you are brilliant story teller. Bravo!

Who Said That!?

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May
27

That’s My Nana Lohan!

Posted by IBBB

So time to confess. Who tuned in to watch “Living Lohan” last night? You know you did. So did I. While most people were ready to trash it, I was ready for it to be my summer filler until The Hills comes back in August. Here are my thoughts on what went down on the first crapisode of “Living Lohan” which I will now be calling “That’s My Nana Lohan!”

I’m not going to lie, I’m sorta not impressed with their house. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice, but I figured they would be in this gaudy mansion that was filled with gold and marble and funded by Lindsay. It’s kinda like an extra large house decorated in 80’s chic. We learn a lot about Dina in the first 5 minutes, such as she has big nostrils, has a personal assistant, and reads the tabloids every morning because “she’s forced to” so she knows who to sue.

Why is everything in this episode blurred out? Everything on the kitchen counter is blurred out, the TV shows they’re watching are blurred out, the magazine Dina holds up is blurred out, the websites they’re looking at are blurred out. Legit, everything is blurred out…..everything except, Nana Lohan, who is my new favorite character on TV. I wouldn’t F with her. She’s like Yo Jong Kim…..only tougher.

You know how Tyra makes it a point on her show to always talk about herself? Yeah, well this show is sorta like that, but instead of talking about themselves they all constantly being up Lindsay. Constantly.

So is anyone going to mention that Ali looks like Helen Hunt or should I just do it? I don’t care that she’s 14…..she’s annoying. Her voice is killing me just when she talks so why would I want to hear it sing? Ugh, and listening to Dina confront the “record label” who also co-produce the show “Living Lohan” makes me want to slap Dina with a dead fish across the face. Ali wants to sing hip-hop and Dina wants to basically bang Jeremy the “producer” who she also manages and by manages I mean “does dirty boom boom with.”

Speaking of “Jeremy” what the hell was Dina talking about when she said she was online and he just randomly IM’d her and had no clue who he was. Uh, do you know how IM works? I doubt he just”guessed” Dina’s IM screen-name, although I’m sure it’s on every bathroom stall across LA and Long Island. This show is so staged. It really is like The Hills!

We get to follow Dina out to a restaurant to eat with some random judge, follow Dina taking random items out of her car such as cases of water and a bag of groceries, and basically just follow Dina around her life. Oh, and Ali is kinda in it to. For me, the highlight of the entire episode was when they announced that they Google themselves every day and read all the blogs. The good news for me is that IBBB is the #1 image search in Google when you Google “Nana Lohan.” Score! Hopefully Dina will be reading this and if she is, I love the show and want your IM screen-name. Can I interview Nana Lohan? I love her. How many freckles does Lindsay have? Why does Ali sound like Tony Danza? These are just some of the questions I would IM to Dina and ask Nana Lohan.

Oh, and other stuff happened in the show, but it’s pointless to write about…kinda like the show.

One Comment

May
22

Reasons I Like Dina and Ali Lohan

Posted by IBBB

ali lohan, dina lohan

This picture speaks volumes. Luckily, my volume is on mute. Anyway, in case you’ve been living in a cave, Dina Lohan and Ali Lohan are technically conducting a major media shitstorm to promote the absolute piss out of their new reality show, which I believe is called “New Ways Stage Mothers Can Shorten a Child’s Life.” I love it. I actually can’t wait to see their new show.

I love Dinasaur and Ali Lohan for many reasons. First off, Dinasaur Lohan is 100% what I pictured Joe Polniaczek from “The Facts of Life” to be like once she grew up and had a family. Oh, and Ali seems to be the only Lohan who has this thick Long Island/Brooklyn accent. I hear Ali speak on all sorts of interviews and suddenly she’s Tony Danza from “Who’s the Boss.” She’s like “Ay-Oh, Oh Ay, be quiet Ma, will ya?” Brilliant.

It’s so painfully awkward to watch Ali interact with her mom during interviews together because everyone only wants to talk about Lindsay being a whore-like train wreck or how F’d up Dina is for doing this and before Ali can give her opinion she always has to look over to her mom in an absolute panicky terror. You know one wrong answer and Dina is busting out the wire hangers to beat this little bitch down.

As a sidenote, did you know that Ali is only 14 years old? 14. There’s a chance she doesn’t even have her period yet and Dina is already pimping her the hell out. Dina must be pumping Ali full of steroids and cups of Sanka. I give Ali until 15 before she’s pregnant, 15 and 3 months until her first abortion, 16 before her first stint in rehab, 17 before she serves under 90 days in jail, 18 before she serves more than 90 days in jail, and 19 before she’s arrested for a public fight with her mother in the bathroom of The Ivy. Nice work Dinasaur!

4 Comments

Mar
06

When WE TV Has an Event, All the Stars Come Out

Posted by IBBB

ali lohan, dina lohan, michael lohan, random celebrities

Ring the alarm! When WE TV has an event, all the a-listers come out to show their support. WE TV was hosting a panel discussion and having a screening for their new show that’s getting a ton of buzz called, “High School Confidential.” This reality/documentary has been filming for 4-years and followed the lives of high school students and their trials and tribulations. Ok, now that business is taken care of let’s move on to exactly showed up to this.

First off they were lucky enough to attract the likes of Michael Lohan! Cherry, cherry, bell. When Michael got the call he put on his best shoe salesman sports coat and tightest stonewashed jeans he could find in his hamper. Next up Ali Lohan and tanerific mom, Dina, even stopped by. Careful Ali, it’s a school night and you’re 13 so hit the books or you’ll end up like you sister, Lindsay No Pants. Finally, Suchin Pak and Ally Sheedy made an appearance because, you know, they both make sense. Seriously? Even I should have been invited to this shitshow. Oh well.

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Mar
05

Dina Lohan’s Reality Show: Living Lohan

Posted by IBBB

dina lohan

Set your TIVO at once! If you don’t have a TIVO, buy one and set it. If you have a TIVO buy a second one and attach it to a backup generator, as I will do, because Dina Lohan’s reality show is debuting this summer. At this time, the title of Dina’s show is “Living Lohan.” Personally I would have called it something catchy like, “Pass the Freckles” or “If At Least 2 of My Kids Stay Alive, I Laugh Last: The Dina Lohan Experience.” No? I like the second one the best.

Anyway, my #1 celebrity crush (sorry girl who played “Katie” on “Gimme a Break”) Dina Lohan is ready to amaze the world with her frightfully tanned life on the E! Network. Other Lohan’s that plan on making appearances include little Ali who wants to act and sing (yowza) and her two brothers who I don’t feel the need to name unless they have a massive amount of freckles. Dina and crew have already filmed enough for a few episodes, but is going to start filming even more starting on March 17th in New York!!!! Everyone, pray to your form of a Jesus that I run into her on the streets of NYC. I will do my best to romance her by providing her with the following: tanning coupons, hair bleach, gum shiners, and some moonshine (as I assume she drinks it).

Bring on Dina-palooza 2008!

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