More Mindless Stories on ‘dancing with the stars’

Teefs Pats Is Apparently Still Filming The Hills

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I typically can’t watch Dancing With Them There Stars because it, literally, makes me want to force myself to try back-flips for the first time on the edge of the roof of my apartment building all whilst pigeons do Shasta McNasty on me and little girls repeatedly try to kick me in the Ding Ding. Have I said too much?

This week, however, I’m able to watch my little Oddy Pats dance her teeth off to the theme song of, you guessed it, The Hills. Somewhere in the jungle of Costa Rica, Heidi’s almost-H’s are rolling over in their reality stars of yesteryear grave.

The main judge, you know, the one who looks like the old man pedophile on Family Guy is doing some montage to all of Audrina’s wondrous dancing moments. And then. He says it. He says what no person on television, the education system, or corporate America has ever said about Audrina Francis Elizabeth Patridge. He said, “…and she’s got real talent!” Really, old man? Really? I can’t believe comments like this are happening right now and Lauren’s not even here. It just seems so selfish. You’re selfish, you’re self-centered. All you care about is yourself.

For me, the best part of all of this was in the pre-dance interview when Audrina was wearing her standard nasty knit hat/beret.  Brilliant.  It’s like all my Hills memories are coming right back to me.  I’m just waiting for Justin Bobby to come crashing into the studio with his motorcycle and silver sparkly disco-ball helmet.  Eh, maybe next time.

Now it’s time for her dance.  Well, looks like we don’t have to worry about interpretive dance or symbolism because they are literally starting the dance the way Audrina was “randomly discovered” on said Hills by sitting her on a lounge chair under an umbrella…in a bikini.  The only difference from then as opposed to now is double the rack and half the teeth.  Also, Audrina is apparently draped in LC’s meat-curtains so I guess there was some symbolism tossed in there after all.

They totally should have had Heidi running in the background chasing seagulls with her arms flailing about whilst Spencer/Steve Sanders recorded it all with his “cam-corder.”  Also, I’m not even sure why The Hills didn’t just use Teefs Pats dancing for their intro as she is now, like an angel.  An angel who is dead behind the eyes.  An angel who may or may not be part of the living.  An angel who keeps spreading her legs and leaning forward with her rack-attack almost dangling in the wind.  An angel.

In the end the judge who is borderline a registered sex offender told Audrina to not be plastic, but be fantastic.  Can you deduct points for plastic parts?  If so, deduct 4.

Oddy Pats scored a 23.  I don’t know what that means.  The end.

Breaking:  Alert IBBB reader and TV screen picture taker, Lisa, emailed me to let me know that Maci and Kyle from Teen Mom were in the crowd sans Bint-Lee.  Seriously, how did these two make it into the crowd but Amber and her “sexy dancing” didn’t?!  I demand a recount…if it’s one of those situations.

Thanks Lisa!

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Dancing With the Stars Recap: So When Can We Start Up “Audrina and Grandpa Situation are Dating” Rumors?

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Time for another crapisode of Dancing With the Stars.  The day when Audrina and Grandpa Situation get the boot is the day I put a fork in this recap.  Until then, here’s what went down last night on the 23 hours of DWTS:

• Brooke Burke has what appears to be cones for breasts so, well, we’re off to a good start.  Also, Tom Bergeron can easily be replaced by any 2nd tier Muppet.  I’m talkin’ “Guy Smiley” for starters.
• Ugh this is the part which always makes me want to deny my citizenship and move to Tajikistan.  Why do they all have to stand in a line whilst the camera scans them and they all make odd faces or peace signs into the lens?  It’s like, stop pointing at me and start working on your quick-step.  Also, I’m pretty sure that in minute 2 of this Jennifer Grey is trashed.  Is it wrong that deep down I hope she’s the town drunk and only gets drunker as the season goes on?  I mean, I know I am so it only makes sense that she does too.  I’ll pretend she’s my drinking buddy and my beer goggles will turn her back into Jennifer Grey circa 1988.
• Cheryl Burke and Rick Fox are kicking things off.  Oh, and I just punched myself in the jaw for knowing “Cheryl Burke’s” name.  I will be starting with punches in my jaw and will most likely be  throwing upper-cuts to my nuttsies by the half-way point.
• They’re doing the jive to some song where they keep singing “I’m just looking for some tush” and then Cheryl shows us her underwear that says “TUSH” on her bum-bum.  It should say “Dumper” and then she should have a little arrow pointing to her mouth that says something sweet and classy like, “Jizz Dumpster.”  Hey, it’s just a thought.  You may have your own costume ideas.  Oh, and then they danced.
• The judges loved it.  I thought they were just seizing for 1.45 seconds.  Apparently I have a lot more to learn.  As an important sidenote, Bruno needs subtitles and I need another drink.
• Time for a little Florence Henderson and a little quick step.  And here’s something I never thought when I was growing up I would end up saying:  Did you see in the “behind the scenes” footage Florence Henderson was showing a lot of cameltoe?  Especially when she was in the green J Lo jumper.
• I thought Florence Henderson reading lines with Robert Reed/Mike Brady every week during the 70’s was the gayest thing she’s ever done.  Apparently I was wrong and this is it.  She’s moving pretty fast for someone in her early 100’s.  I’m pretty sure I just saw Willard Scott throwing a jar of Smuckers at her when she ran on by.
• The judges didn’t love it overall, but thought it was ok.  She should automatically get at least a “7″ if she completes the dance without pissing through her dress.  Basically what I’m saying is that old people piss a lot and probably even more if they have one leg in the air.
• Florence got a 19 out of 30 which is ironic since Flo had her Sweet 16 in 1930.  Very symbolic, very symbolic.
• Brandy’s turn!  She’s fighting with Max and she’s also fighting with his beard.  They too are dancing the jive and are dressed like “nerds.”  Well, they’re dressed like nerds with cameltoe, reverse cametoe and also nerds with a skirt about two inches from their chooch-chooch train.
• Is it just me or does Brandy kind of stinko?  You mean to tell me they never had a jive episode on Moesha?  Remember when they made over Cinderalla with Brandy and Whitney Houston?  Yeah, so I’d rather be watching that right now.  Either that or remember when Rudy from The Cosby Show made over Pollyanna?  Great piece of television right there.  You think you can somehow order that VHS?  It may have just been on Beta but I’m sure it’s floating around online somewhere.  Oh, and Brandy finished her dance.  No offense, but I’ve had about enough.  This dance belongs to me. The. Jive. Is. Mine.
• Sarah Palin is in the front row and she’s dressed like a leather dominatrix.  Basically she’s dressed like Julie Chen when she hosts the live eviction night on Big Brother, but you get my point.
• I’m a few minutes behind, I think, but Michael Bolton looks like he may have SARS because he’s wearing one of those masks.  You know what he should do to help up his scores?  Grow back that sick mullet!  You know, perm it this week and then braid the absolute piss out of it next week, like Butch from Teen Mom.
• Well Jesus Christmas now he’s crawling out of a dog house on the stage with a sign that says “Bolt” on the house in question.  When the F did this S turn into Kids Incorporated?!
• Seriously what the hell is Bruno saying?  If I were in the audience I would stand up and shout, “Unless you pronounce your words correctly or write them down so we can read it, we all have no idea what in the holy hell you’re saying.”  Just me?
• This 2 hour crap is killing me.
• Oh wait it’s Audrina “Teefs” Pats!  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it because she stole Snooki’s freakin poof and spray-tanned the absolute piss out of herself.  She’s also dressed like a skanky peacock with beaver teeth and sleepy eyes that’s trapped in a blue sparkly hunters net.  That, of course, should have been mentioned first.  I apologize.  Anyway, during the “behind the scenes” Audrina lets us know that she’s “sacrificed everything for the show.”  Oh really?  Like what?  Have you given up Tweeting and staring into outer-space?  Oddy starts crying because she misses her family and her boyfriend.  Boyfriend?  Please dear Jesus Claus let either Justin Bobby or Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono pop out from behind the camera and yell “You’ve been Punk’d b*tch!  Now get back to the set of The Hills for a secret taping of Season 7!”  Ugh.  One can only dream.
• I haven’t seen Audrina move this fast since trying to fight Kristin Cavallari when she came back to the show and yelled, “You’re messing with the wrong girl, dude!”
• Seriously I hate to admit this, but Audrina does a really good job, I think.  Especially for not having any experience with basically anything in life.  And, even better I think (I think) I saw Audrina’s mom in the audience and, if it’s her, this is exactly where she gets the “family teeth” from.
• I’m not sure what is going on, but since Audrina didn’t get three 8’s apparently her dance partner has to wax his legs.  Is this an overall ballroom rule?  I’m still learning this “sport.”  If he has to wax his legs, Oddy should have to wax her Patridge.  Fair is fair.
• Well there you have it.  Jennifer Grey is starting this dance basically spread eagle with her arse in the air.  10!
• Go Jennifer! Go!  She’s literally dancing her face off.  Hey-oh!  Oh come on there are only so many times I’m going to be able to use jokes like that.  Who am I kidding I’ll be using them week after week.
• Is Jennifer Grey related to Jaime Lee Curtis?  She’s in the audience again.  Maybe they’re “late in life lesbians?”
• The judges loved it and gave them a 24.  Also, I believe Jennifer Grey is either going to puke or die.  Either way, it should be filmed.
• Up next, M. Cho.  I hope she comes out on a unicycle.  She is dressed like a cheerleader in trouble, so hopefully this will be good.  Eh, it was ok.  I think she was really trying so that kind of sucks for me.
• How do people watch this week after week?  It’s like you work all day, get home from work, and then watch this until it’s time to get up for work the next morning.  This is no way to live.  I need my reality shows in 30 minutes increments.  Even 60 minutes is pushing it.  120 minutes?  Illegal in some countries…like New Mexico, I bet.
• Back to the show.  Webster and Stephanie Pratt are up.  She dressed like a tissue box.  Is everyone just doing the same dance tonight?  That’s what it looks like to me.  Actually, I stand corrected.  This chick looks like Roxy Olin and not Stephanie Pratt.  Simple mistake.  I should get points for just not slipping into a coma.
• Kurt Warner and that chick with the red hair.  I’m sure they’re dancing but I’m busy working on my dirt-nap plan.  Next.
• Finally it’s time for Grandpa Situation!  Why can’t he and Audrina just do back-to-back dances all the live-long-day?
• Now is Grandpa Sitch actually dancing or is this the typical mating ritual for getting the girls from “da club” into the hot tub?  He looks as embarrassed to do this dance as I am to sit here for 14 hours and watch it.  And how is he less tanned during this show than he is on Jersey Shore?  More importantly where the hell is Snooki?  Why isn’t she in the audience?  Maybe she’s giving “headers” to Bolton in the dog house?  Probably.  In the end CarrieAndYourHardon asks Grandpa Sitch what his shoe-size is because he’s “pigeon-toed” to which Grandpa Sitch responds, “Oh, thank you.”  Blargh.  He better save this money.
• We’ve finally made it to the last person.  Bristol Palin.  I guess it makes sense that we’re ending with a bang.  Bristol is wearing the Prom dress that she never go to wear because, you know, she couldn’t make it to Prom since she had a human exiting her vag.
• So if Bristol lost about 25-30 pounds are we all on the same page that she’d be Farrah from Teen Mom?  I’d love to see Debra chasing her around the dance floor with a couple of butcher knives and that beloved trash claw.
• Ugh they’re dancing to “You Can’t Hurry Love” which is like the American Idol equivalent of “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch.”  I’ve literally pulled down my pants, took out Mr Winko and then slammed my laptop shut directly on it…over and over again.  And over.  And over.

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Dancing With the Stars Recap: Teef, Abs, New Faces, Golden Wings. Yup.

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Well, well, and well. Gather around girls and boys because I want to talk to you all for a minute. Are you listening? If you two don’t stop fighting I swear I’ll separate you and you’ll go live with your mother in her crack-den. Ok, now that we’re all on the same page I have to say I HAVE decided to check out Dancing With the Stars strictly because I feel that we, as a nation, owe it to Audrina “Teefs” Patridge (or “Tats Pats” for short) to show our support since she so selflessly gave of herself during the 14 consecutive seasons of The Hills. Oh, and by “support” her I, of course, mean “make teeth and eye jokes to a whole new audience.” I’m doing my part. Will you do yours?

I’m also interested in seeing Grandpa Situation dance stars into his scalp and make me red with embarrassment when he starts talking with his fake “southern style” (yo, yo y’all) in front of all of “The America.” Also, perhaps Snooki will be in the crowd and a boob or three will pop out. Sky is the limit.

So, folks, let’s try this once and see how it goes. I honestly can’t imagine watching this for 4 hours per week for the next 12 weeks, so I’m dipping my toe into this greasy hot-tub to see if I get a disease.

• We’re about 10 seconds in and I already want to quit.  Although Audrina did give us all some nice side-teeth action.  Also, Margaret Cho almost fell down the stairs and, quite possibly, Florence Henderson and Jennifer Gray may have swapped faces or just bought new ones altogether.  Tough call.
• I’m already embarrassed, but am pleased that Audrina has already said she’s “excited about her Cha-Cha.”  Beaver teeth and her Cha-Cha?  Que suerte!
• These “behind the scenes” scenes are great.  I was just waiting for Justin Bobby to bust out and try to do a line off Audrina’s rack.  Maybe next episode?
• Well, she came busting out like Tweety Bird on a meth binge and, well, I think she did good.  She did, right?  I was thinking the judges may have said she needed to keep her eyes open more, but they thought she did well.  It’s like she shook the pages of The Hills script off her hips and Cha-Cha-cha’d the cue cards into the crowd forever.  Wow, I just got, like, deep and junk.
• “I can’t believe all this is going on and Lauren’s not even here.”
• Ok I think I may have missed a few people.  You see, I was busy punching myself in the nuts over and over again and drinking Bleach.  Basically, I’m swamped right now.  I caught the middle to the end of whom I believe is Gary Coleman having multiple seizures on the dance floor.  I’m just glad that he’s really not dead.  First Gary Coleman and next thing you know Anna Nicole will be doing the Pasodoble to a remix of “You Like My Body….You Want Some Monnnnnney.  You want a Viper?” on a constant loop.  Here’s to wishing.  Anyway, the chick whose name I’m pretty sure is “CarryAndYourHardon” basically did naughty boom boom to herself over the dance.  In fact everyone liked it.  Also, I believe Bruno is a standard Level Three and should be legally obligated to introduce himself to all the contestants.
• Do you think Vanessa Williams will be phoning in her vote for Rick Fox?
• So, um, Cheryl Burke is up to Rick Fox’s “diddily-deedily-doo” right?  I’m sure that little minx will be springboarding off his pee-pee and doing one of those spins that ends up with her crotch in his face and her legs in the air as he spins her around.  And then they’ll start to learn a dance.
• I’m sorry may I please have the specific names of the singers who are butchering some of the “Aerosmith” that “the kids” are wild about?  I just want to write a few quick letters.
• All the judges loved Rick Fox and lets just assume Bruno is giving himself a handy under the table.
• Why is Jamie Lee Curtis in the front row?  Are they filming Freaky Friday Part II: Lohan Boogaloo?  If her seat goes empty in the next few minutes we can bet that damn Activia just kicked in.  Activiaaaaaa!
• Oh hi Margaret Cho.  Oh hi.  Yeah.  Yes.  Those tattoos are very pretty and they really make your FUPA pop in that dress.
• What in the holy hell is she doing with those gold butterfly wings and why am I liking it?  Clearly this was a strictly comedic performance.  Seriously brilliant.  What’s the phone number because I’m calling in my vote.  I’ll also be making t-shirts that say “It’s Time to Cho Down!”  Seriously that’s a good idea.  If someone takes it I’m suing.
• So this is really on for 2 full hours and we’re not going not going to pretend that’s not ok?  Ugh.  Where’s my bleach?
• Unless Brandy is singing “The Boy is Mine” I’m not interested.  Well, she could sing “Sitting Up in My Room.”  Actually, she could sing “Full Moon” too.  Hmm.  Odd, I like Brandy’s music.  Well you heard it here live.
• Brandy did a good job, I think.  I mean I have no idea what constitutes good dancing, but I really think Brandy is a fine girl and what a good wife she would be.  But my life, my love, and my lady is the sea.
• Brandy got a 23 from the judges and literally fell to her knees in front of her partner with the beard.  Is it odd for her to start and finish her performance the same way?  Too bad Monica wasn’t on this too.
• Annnnd enter Kate Gosselin Bristol Palin.  She definitely deserves to be on this.  She’s barely even moving on the dance floor.  How she ever got pregnant is beyond me.  They’re also dancing to Mama Told Me Not To Come, which is ironic because I’m pretty sure that’s the advice Levi Johnston was trying his best to follow.  Obviously that didn’t work out.  In conclusion, she should totally have unprotected sex to loosen herself up.  Just a tip. Or is it just the tip?  Either way, that.
• Florence Henderson is swearing like a truck driver and her dress is slit right up her Henderson.  Therefore, I give her a 10.  I also give her a couple of extra points for her face being pulled back as tight at Margaret Cho’s golden wings.  So, basically I give her a 12.  Move her on to the next round.  Betty who?  Oh, White.
• I feel like I’m watching the Jerry Lewis telethon.  When will this end?  How are there still 40 minutes left?  Do, like, 25 more couples still need to go?
• Time for Michael Bolton.  Next.
• Sprinkle on your pubic lice powder (does that exist?) because Grandpa Sitch has just taken the stage. Someone please light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.  The good news is that he’s slightly (slightly) moving faster than Florence Henderson, but he’s slightly slower than M. Cho’s gold wings.  It’s a real tough call.  Luckily, Grandpa Situation’s sister is in the audience, which means that Vinny can’t be that far behind, or can Snooki.  These are all good things.  I am a little surprised, however, that Sitch did such a crappy job since he’s had two seasons of trying to duck punches and slaps, especially from JWoww ShamWow.  You’d think that was more training than should be contractually allowed.  In the end, he got all 5’s which, ironically, is the same amount that Angelina Trash Bag’s got paid for her 2nd season of Jersey Shore.  Hey-oh!
• Up next is Jennifer Grey and her face.  I know this is such old news, but I still can’t get over how completely different she looks with her nose changed.  She looks good, don’t get me wrong, but she looks like a whole new person.  Like Florence Henderson.
• Everyone loved Jennifer Grey.  I couldn’t help with think of Grey Goose and how much I missed Vodka on Monday nights.  I shall bring this back next week.
• Finally we’re just about done.  We end with The Hoff, just like it should be.  I have no idea what they means or why I said that.  Perhaps it’s the bleach.  Perhaps it’s the continuous punches to “da nuts.”  Perhaps it’s because I’m saying “perhaps” a lot.  One may never know.
• Personally I think The Hoff should not dance, but instead just eat a hamburger off the ballroom floor.  Haha, ballroom.
• Hoff’s song is “Sex Bomb.”  Clearly it should have been “You’re Bombed.”  Actually it should be “Why Am I Not Bombed?”  I hate it when I have to watch “the olds” dance.  It makes me never want to get old.  Or maybe it makes me never want to dance.  The point is, it’s finally over.

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DWTS Bruno Toniolo Says Kate Gosselin is “Crap.” In Related News, Crap is Pisssssed Right Now.

I’m not going to lie, I have no idea what the F Bruno on Dancing With the Stars is ever saying.  It’s so fast and so loud that my Tivo overheats and then shuts down.  However, I can read things that he’s said and while even that typically doesn’t make sense to me, at least my eyes can recognize words here and there.

This time around People is reporting that while on Lopez Tonight (random), Bruno spoke of warm and loving Kate Gosselin and stated that “Kate is pretty dreadful.  She’s crap.”

Seriously I think that is so rude.  I mean, I couldn’t give 2 F’s about Kate and/or her dancing, but to bring the good name of crap down to a level of that is, well, unforgivable.  I mean, crap isn’t all that bad.  It does tricks sometimes.  You know, sometimes it floats and stuff.  Sometimes it even wraps itself around a few times like a snake taking a nap.  Once I’m even pretty sure I saw my name spelled out in it.  So give crap a break.  It’s the butt of every joke and it’s getting a little old.  I, for one, am going to start putting my crap up on a pedestal and giving it the proper respect is so clearly deserves.

Did Pamela Anderson Just “Do Sex” on Dancing With the Stars?

Thank God for searching for clips of Dancing With the Stars online because if I had to sit through an entire episode just to see Brenda Walsh dancing like a bitch and then sassing the judges and Pamela Anderson gang-banging the dance floor I’d open up my window and jump…and then land on the 10 homeless people who live outside my building, kill them with the force of my body hitting them, survive myself, and then be brought up on manslaughter charges and well, let’s face, it I don’t have time for that.