More Mindless Stories on ‘charlie sheen’
Dear Mr. Charlie Sheen,
Thank you. Thank you for everything that you have been doing for society over the past 2 weeks. I made this photo for you because, like Tony the Tiger, I think you’re Grrrrrrreat! I’m sure I’m violating some kind of trademark rule or something, but – WINNING!
I’m not quite sure what’s going on with you and, you know what, who am I to judge? All I know is that every morning when I wake up and put on the Today Show, you’re there. Whether I’m watching a segment with you and the “Godessess” you’re there. I’m ready to go to bed at night and surf through the channels and, guess what, you’re there. And you’re not just always sitting in a boring studio, we’re inside your kitchen or one morning when it was 7:30 EST and 4:30 PST you were sitting on directors chairs in the middle of the street. Thank you.
By the way, the Godesses? Brilliant. I mean the fact that one calls herself a porn star and the other one a “model” is Immaculate comic gold. I mean, let’s be real these broads look like their crotches itch on the regular and they spend countless hours trying to chisel skidmarks out of their underwear, but I digest and digress all at the same time. You taught me I can do both…or anything!
People are starting to say, “Oh don’t make fun of Charlie because he clearly has mental issues.” I usually respond with “God I hope so!” Drug and alcohol binges and rages are so yesterday. Oh wow, Lindsay Lohan allegedly stole a necklace and may go to prison for 6 months? Yawn. LOSING. Paula Abdul called 911 because her boyfriend wouldn’t drop her off at her home or let her out of her car? Yawn. Child’s play. You on the other hand, my friend, are like something that my eyes have never seen and my brain has yet to be able to process. Thank you.
In conclusion, I hope you never quit being “Sheen.” It’s really given me a reason to get up in the morning. I find myself springing out of bed with such a zest for life and racing to turn on the television just to see what in the holy F you’ve been up to in the 7 measly hours that I’ve been sleeping and, well, usually it’s been something good…great, in fact. And please don’t ever get off Twitter. You’ve inspired me to Tweet more, but I know I can never live up to the absolute genius you are tweeting…even if you kinda have no idea what Twitter is all about and you kinda think you’re in a chatroom, that’s fine with me. So thank you, thank you Charlie Sheen for finally bringing some real crazy to Hollywood and totally owning it. I hope the Olsen Twins are watching closely because I expect a lot from them, too, in the coming years.
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I didn’t even want to touch the whole Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller hoopla as white-trash with money always seems to irk me. However I did have to lift my personal ban once I read on TMZ how, according to an affidavit, Charlie Sheen took Brooke Mueller’s eyeglasses and then broke them in front of her. Geesh, why not just kick a puppy and slap a baby while you’re at it?
According to the TMZ report here are some other disturbing details, allegedly, that went down the night Charlie Sheen was arrested:
- Sheen used a switchblade-like device to threaten Mueller
- Police, once arrived, chatted with Sheen in the basement who informed them they were having marital problems and that Mueller “abused alcohol”
- Mueller threatened to divorce Sheen and take the children
- Both Sheen and Mueller were arguring that night and both slapped each other on the arm
- Sheen denies pushing, striking, strangling, or threatening Mueller with a knife
- Mueller claims Sheen pulled out a knife, held it to her throat and said, “You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you”
- Sheen broke Mueller’s eyeglasses in front of her
So there you have it folks. He said/she said. I’m not sure who to believe partially because I don’t know them and partially because I don’t care. I think it was only recently that I realized that Charlie Sheen is not, in fact, Emilio Estevez. I always thought it was like that Michael Jackson/Janet Jackson/La Toya Jackson is the same person rumor.
- “You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [bleep] yourself sad jobless pig”
- “You are an evil piece of [bleep]. I can’t wait to tell the world what a piece of [bleep] you are. You don’t get a [bleeping] dime till this is resolved”
I love the whole “you are a pig” method of insults. I’m going to start using that phrase in my daily life starting today. You know who else is a “sad, jobless pig?” Miss Piggy, literally. Anyway, Charlie could have incorporated some other insults in there too though. Next time he should feel free to incorporate some of the following:
- “Your mother’s a whore and your father holds the money”
- “Even though they’re my kids too, the ugly ones look like you”
- “Having sex with you is like having sex with your mother, oh wait I did have sex with your mother. P.S Your mother’s a whore”
Feel free to mix and match.