More Mindless Stories on ‘the hills recap’

The Hills Recap: Why is Allie Lutz in Our Lives?

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Heidi and Spencer are still missing.  I’m busy hanging up “missing” signs on all the telephone poles, but here’s what went down on the latest crapisode of The Hills:

• Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are getting their hair done for the show their night out and chatting about McKaela (LC 2.0).  Stacie the Pointless Bartender thinks that McKaela just doesn’t get it and is way over her head.  I, too, think that LC 2.0 doesn’t get it.  And by “it” I’ll assume we’re all talking about “the point of this show?”  I’m sure L.C 2.0 is thinking, “I see cameras following us on the regular and I know we’re having conversations, but I have no idea what the hell the basis of this show is.  I see Ryan Cabrera once in a while filming with us, so I guess this is season 24 of that Ashlee Simpson show?”
• Ugh we’re at Smashbox Studios with Lo and LC 2.0.  Why are they trying to make this like The City?  More importantly why did they “dub in” Lo inviting LC 2.0 to Stephanie Pratt’s dumb birthday party?  At this point I don’t even know if Lo realizes that she’s not talking to actual Lauren Conrad.  It’s more fun that way if we pretend she really thinks it.  Anymustache, LC 2.0 wants Lo and everyone else in the world that she may be new, but she’s not stupid so Brody better not try to make her look like a fool.  Well, if Brody doesn’t and the cameras don’t, and her own words don’t, and then editing doesn’t, and the storyboard department doesn’t, and the table-read sessions don’t, and Us Weekly doesn’t…then I guess she’s safe!
• It’s time for recovering alcoholic/DUI recipient Stephanie Pratt’s birthday!  I wonder what safe place they’ll have it at?  Oh, a bar!  Great idea!  I’m sure people binge drinking vodka tonic and “cheersing” her with their glasses of temptation will be totally fine with Steph.  Her birthday party is a complete sh*t show, per usual.  Kristin and Brody are trying to be the new Oddy and J Bob by flirting with each other, someone carries in Frankie like a pinata, and Holly Montag says one line the entire episode, which is “hi guys.”
• To make things worse, let’s just talk about how this show has become 90210.  Remember when towards the end of 90210 the entire cast was pretty much replaced?  Yeah, well this is it.  Look around the table.  LC is gone.  Heidi is nowhere to be found.  Spencer/Steve Sanders is missing.  Whitney is MIA.  Hell, even Lisa Loveless never makes a surprise cameo.  All we have left, really, is Audrina who would totally be the “Donna” of the group.  And now we’re forced to deal with McKaela/LC 2.0 and her new sidekick Allie Lutz.
• Allie Lutz, who looks like she’s pushing 40 and still doing her best to make it out to “da clubs,” apparently broke in to Brody Jenner’s house before after some “ring” incident.  I have no clue.  All I know is that the douche-bag brigade is pissed off that she’s there and Kristin looks like she’s ready to eat her neck.
• At one point Allie Triple Lutz just starts yelling at Kristin for “having a beef” with LC 2.0.  Really?  A beef?  People who aren’t in 21 Jump Street still say that?  Interesting, yet not so.  Kristin starts up her raspy voice yelling, the same way you start up a lawn mower, and calls Allie a psycho b*tch for breaking into Brody’s house.   I love how Allie kind of stumbles her words when she says, “I never broke into Brody’s house before.”  It was almost like I believe that she didn’t break into Brody’s house, but now I’m not so certain she doesn’t break into other peoples houses.  All I know is that while she’s yelling back at Kristin I feel like she is spitting syphilis at everyone.  Just me?
• The “next day” at Elle Magazine SmashHerBox Studios, LC 2.0 tells Lo 1.0 that she wants to call Brody so explain what happened at Stephanie’s birthday and how she doesn’t want him to have the wrong idea.  When she calls Brody, he ends up putting her into voicemail all while Kristin is scrambling to find her shoes under Brody’s bed.  We get it, you banged.  We get it, you are scriptedly looking like a one-night-stand-skank on national television.  We get it, Avril Levine is not standing behind the camera so she’s accidentally not in this scene.
• Later Kristin and Audrina go out for lunch and while this is a boring scene, it was great when Audrina called Allie Lutz a cougar.  It’s quite interesting how someone with literal beaver teeth can quickly identify a cougar.  Birds of a feather.
• Let’s fast forward to Audrina meeting up with Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono at the pool hall, shall we?  Shan’t I?  Oddy may want to take a break from their Teen Beat relationship because Chaz Bono is going out on tour for a while and Oddy wants him to be free to bang all the guys who will be attending his “concerts.”  Seriously, where is this tour they keep speaking of?  Uzbekistan?  Tajikistan?  It has to be there.  And I’m sure it’s not so much a “concert” as it is him “fighting in the war.”  And, more importantly, who goes to a Ryan Cabrera show?  What songs is he singing and do people know the words?  Do you enjoy going to the concerts or is it more like a punishment where you’re forced to go if you got C- in Algebra 201?
• All the girls who are left in the show are laying out at Kristin’s house (I think.  Who cares?) and are gossiping about LC 2.0 and her level of intelligence.  This is all coming out of the genius mouths of Kristin Cavallari, Stephanie Pratt, and Audrina Patridge.  It’s basically the same as Milli trying to tell Vanilli that he looks like he’s lip-syncing.  Know what I mean?  Anyway, if LC 2.0 wants to be so lucky as to become friends with these girls then she’ll have to lose Brody and Allie Triple Lutz in order to do so.  Seems like an easy trade down to me!
• Well, well, well, what do we have here?  Justin Bobby is back again and this time he’s fixing his motorcycle and apparently permed his bangs.  That’s a great look.  You gotta love the crunchy wet curls look like the white girls who try to pretend they’re not white.  Anyway, Oddy shows up to the garage looking like she’s ready to pose for the cover of Maxim on top of J Bobs hog (giggity).  When Oddy shows up she says, “surprise.”  Surprise?  Really?  Was it really?  Didn’t Justin Bobby think it was odd that all of a sudden there was an MTV camera crew filming him fixing his bike?  That didn’t maybe tip him off that someone, oh I don’t know maybe Audrina, might just show up for, you know, a “scene?”  I hope these two get back together and by “back together” I of course mean “have a baby out of wedlock.”
• In the end, Kristin meets up with LC 2.0 to have a quick drink and talk about how Allie Triple Lutz is evil and the future status of LC 2.0 and Brody.  Kristin, who may have a penis, tells LC 2.0 that Brody was saying nice things to her only to sleep with her and that if she brings Allie Triple Lutz around with her there is going to be problems.  Kristin then downs her glass of wine and peaces out from the awkward confrontation.  LC. 2.0 is left in the bar all by herself, still wondering what show she may or may not be one and what, in fact, the show is actually about.  It’s been 6 seasons and I’m still wondering the. Same. Exact. Thing.

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The Hills Recap: The Return of Justin Bobby!

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Like a slow motion car accident you start to brace yourself in preparation for the big hit and it seems like it takes forever before you actually smash into the car in front of you….here is what what down on last nights crapisode of The Hills:

• “Friends with benefits” is the new “relationship vacation.”  Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are hanging out at Kristin’s house and playing with little yippy dogs whilst chit-chatting about going out to find men, get plowed, and become mothers.  Ok only half of that may be right.  I wish one of those dogs had rabies and then started to turn on its owner.
• In “This is Pointless” News, Lo is having lunch with McKaela (LC 2.0) for some random reason.  Lo is giving advice to LC 2.0 on how to watch out for Brody and be friends with Kristin all at the same time.  Great advice Lo!  Her advice should have also included things like: When the cameras stop rolling and this season ends you will never hear from Brody or Kristin ever again.  However, Frankie will be hitting you up on his speed dial morning, noon, and night.  Just go with it because it’s all down hill after that anyway.  Also, LC 2.0 may get an internship where Lo works.  Um, Lo works for “The Hills” so does that mean that LC 2.0 is going to become a production assistant?  Next.
• Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are out for a night on the whorish town.  As soon as they sit down a couple of Brody’s with trucker hats try to drunkenly spark up a conversation with Kristin.  They slur it up to ask where she’s from and when Kristin replies “Hollywood” the drunk dude says, “Colorado?”  Here’s the thing, I’m not drunk (surprisingly) and I thought she said Colorado too.  They both roll their eyes and that’s when I would have lost my shiz.  I would have told Kristin to stop chugging her glass of dicks for second so I could understand what the hell she was saying.  Then I would have jumped in front of the camera and yelled, “Hi Mom!  I’m on The Hills!”
• Why is it so insane that McKaela really looks like LC with a brown wig on?  Well, either a brown wig or Lauren Conrad just combed up her mustache.  It’s a toss up at this point.  Oh, and you know what’s putting me to sleep right now?  Brody and LC 2.0’s relationship.  Just as I start to wake up from their conversation I start to lapse back into a self induced coma when she starts talking about possibly working with Lo.  At this point I’m missing Enzo.  I almost wish I didn’t call DSS on him from last season.
• Audrina and Steph Pratt are, shocker, shopping and Audrina is telling Steph how Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono is staying with her while he gets ready to move into his new house.  Stephanie doesn’t seem to grasp the concept that Audrina is talking about and asks questions like: He lives with you?  Are his clothes there?  Does he live there all day?  Seriously, it’s like Audrina didn’t fill out her census and Stephanie is ordered to ask Audrina these questions or face harsh penalties.  Yes, Stephanie, he lived with her.  His clothes where there, he stayed there all day, he took Shasta McNasty’s in her toilet, he whitened her teeth, he hid his boogers under her coffee table, he turned away her stalkers from the front door, etc, etc.  He lived there.
• LC 2.0 shows up at Smashbox, where Lo works, to interview for her internship.  Smashbox?  Wasn’t that the name of the “club” that Uncle Jesse and Ant Becky owned on Full House?  I hope so.  I also hope that Steph’s friends band, Human Pudding, perform there later.  We’re human.  We’re pudding.  Human pudding!  Spoiler Alert:  LC 2.0 gets the job!  Thank Santa Christ! I can’t wait to find out what wonderful future scenes Lo and LC 2.0 will be filming.  Oh, and can they just end the season today?  Just stop the season.
• Lo, Audrina, and Stephanie all head out to the Viper Room because Audrina needs to check out some band, I’ll assume “Human Pudding,” for “work.”  Once they’re in there they discover that Justin Bobby’s band, Ed StanleY, is performing and, to no surprise, J Bob is on the drums.  Lo always thought that the idea of Justin Bobbert in a band was just a joke, but it is not joke when we witness him banging the drums like he’s trying to contact the volcano gods.  Seriously what in the hell am I watching.  Lo thinks like he looks like a muppet and I actually laugh.  I laugh because I’m about 1 scene away from crying.  This is all terrible.
• Audrina thinks it’s going to be hard watching Justin play in his band and she ponders leaving because, you know, that makes sense.  The girls ask Audrina if she’s going to tell Chaz Bono about what happened tonight.  Uh, whaaaaat?  You mean is Audrina going to tell Chaz that she was at the Viper Room and Justin Bobby’s band was playing?  Uh, yes?  No?  Who cares?  Hopefully she does tell him and he starts hitting her the same way J Bob hits the drums.
• After the “concert” is over Oddy runs into J Bob outside and he starts asking her a million questions, similar to the way that Stephanie was asking Oddy a million questions about Chaz Bono living with her.  Apparently Census questions are all the rage on The Hills.  After the awkward exchange, in which Oddy also tells him about the other band she went to see who’s from London, all three girls walk away and Justin Bobby drives away in the same car that the bad guys from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” drove.
• Audrina stops by Chaz Bono’s new house, which I’m still tyring to figure out how he can afford, and I’m waiting for Cher to walk down the stairs in her “If I Could Turn Back Time” outfit.  Chaz is leaving for a 4 day tour and Oddy thinks it’s a good idea.  I mean, Oddy also thinks that Pop Rocks and Pepsi is a good idea, but that’s another story for another time.
• Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Person head out for their man hunt again and this time Brody and his friend, Sweaty Tank, bump into them and this give Kristin a great chance to force Brody to apologize for talking to LC 2.0 in front of her from last week.  Honestly, Kristin can’t even get her lines out without smirking.  Either can Brody.  They should smirk.  They should smirk because they’re getting paid insane amounts of money to film this no matter how bad it is and, you know what, it’s bad.  I would smirk too, except I’m too busy crying over the fact that my life not only consists of watching this, but writing about it as well.  Where did I go wrong?
• Meanwhile, Justin Bobby shows up and he and Oddy have a nice little chat which consists of things that make me think that J Bob is back on the sauce again, which is fine by me because I think that everyone should be drunk all the time.  He even gives Chaz Bono a nickname, which is “Spike.”  Get it?  He has spikey hair.  Oh that J Bob.  I really hope that he and Oddy get back together and I hope they both take a ride on his motorcycle together and, well, I hope the universe ends that scene any way it sees fit.
• In the end, Kristin and Brody faux-make up and Kristin seems like she’s about 3 sheets to the wind, which I approve.  They both leave “da club” together and are probably going to bang in the dumpster behind “da club,” which is good because it would be nice to see exactly where Frankie lives anyway.  Hey-oh!

Well once again nothing happened in this crapisode either.  No Heidi?  No Spender?  How rude!  At this point I say they should bring back those two d-bags who played LC and Heidi’s love interests in Season One.  Either that or somehow insert Kelly Cutrone into the mix to save this sh*t, STAT!

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The Hills Recap: Meet McKaela (aka LC 2.0)

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That’s right folks.  It’s time for another episode of The Hills.  Will Audrina not smile whist talking?  Will Lo get interesting?  Will Heidi and Spencer melt and conjoin in the hot LA heat?  Will Kristin makeout with Stacie?  All of these things are not answered on last nights episode of The Hills.  Here’s what was answered:

• Brody, Kristin, and her raspy coke rapist voice are out at a bar where people are spinning a wheel to see what kind of shots they won.  Kristin rolls her coke eyes when the crowd cheers for the person who won.  I roll my eyes when Kristin and Brody start talking about the status of their relationship.  At this point I’m already looking around at the people in the background to see what they’re up to, as they are more interesting to me than Kristin and Brody.
• Uh, do the people who run The Hills hire any research people to find what we are and aren’t interested in?  For example, I’m also not interested in Audrina chatting it up with Ryan Cabrera/Chaz Bono about their plans to go out with the whole douche-bag-brigade and hoping that there’s no “drama.”  Chaz Bono lets us know that he’ll be wearing his candy thong and reading “Catcher in the Rye.”  Well, he either said “Catcher in the Rye” or he was calling Audrina a “C*nt with a Lazy Eye.”  It was hard to tell as I was only half paying attention.
• Lo and Stephanie Pratt are walking up the street with their stick legs and Lo asks Steph what she’s been up to, to which Steph answers, “Oh just came back from an AA meeting.”  Yeah, you know what?  That’s great and all, but when someone asks you what you’ve been up to you can say normal things like, “Nothing much” or “Just keepin’ busy.”  You don’t have to tell all your deep dark secrets.  I’m not going to answer that question, ever, by saying, “Oh I just took the nasty sh*t because I had some bad food for dinner” and you shouldn’t tell us about AA.
• Stephanie is also looking for love now that she is sober.  She feels like she’s finally ready for it, which I believe is code for “I’ve had enough face surgery to land me a man.”  Lo is going to set up a double date with her and her boyfriend, their friend Max and Steph.  Steph immediately freaks out and asks Lo if she should tell max that Steph doesn’t drink and goes to AA.  Yeah, that’s a good idea.  Why not forward him some of your most recent DUI’s and mugshots?  Have any rashes in your naughty region?  Pull your pants down when you meet him and show him your rash instead of shaking hands.  Put it all out there and literally put it in his hand.
• Steph is freaked out that Max is going to be concerned that she doesn’t drink and Lo tries to calm her fears.  You know what?  She should be freaked out.  There’s nothing worse than that one person who doesn’t drink.  Scratch that, there is.  What’s worse is the person who doesn’t drink and then says things like, “I don’t have to drink to have a good time.”  Really?  Well I do.  I also need to drink to make really bad decisions and regret them in the morning.  It’s called having a social life?  Try it out.  Honestly, I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t drink as it would only put a spotlight on my, possibly, excessive drinking and, well, who needs that?  I’m also not friends with people who don’t drink.  Nope.  You see, me and my friends are all co-dependent drunks and we like it that way.  So pick up the bottle, Steph, and get yourself interesting and get yourself interesting quick!
• Kristin and Audrina are randomly having boring popcorn and talking boringly about the boring relationship between boring Audrina and boring Chaz Bono.  Audrina is glad that she and Chaz Bono “had the talk” about their relationship and then she actually said, “Having a label makes things feel secure.”  Um, it does?  Yeah, not so much there Oddy.  Ask any minority if they like labels.  Also do people like labels like: slut, stupid, racist, anti-semitic, baby killer, etc?  Didn’t think so.  I may not listen to Audrina’s words of wisdom this time around.
• Kristin calls Brody who is out on a date, but Brody puts her into voicemail and Kristin and Audrina react like a hand came through the phone and slapped her in the face.  I wish a hand would come through my TV and hit me, relentlessly, until I stopped watching this crap.  Either that or it would pick up my remote control and toss it out the window because, God knows, I would never get up off my arse in a million years to change the channel.
• So is Brody’s date actually Lauren Conrad with a brown wig on?  No really, is it?  The voices are different but she’s doing those same flirty facial expressions and head-tilt that LC used to do.  I kind of miss Lauren.  I wish she wasn’t dead….to me.
• Audrina and Steph (who looks like she should be on the box of Swiss-Miss) is having coffee and talking about the guy that Lo is setting her up with.  Both girls are filled with glee that this guy has a job and a car.  Way to reach for the stars!  Although they are both stumped by one thing.  This dude is a lacrosse player and Stephanie does not know what lacrosse is.  However, someone must have scored at 550 on their SATs because Audrina makes the connection and shouts out, “Ok so he’s an athlete.”  Good for you Oddy! You shout ‘em out like that when you know the answer!  I was waiting for a year supply of Rice-a-Roni to start falling from the ceiling. Of course Audrina would be the first to notice that, as her eyes are typically looking up at that direction anyway.
• Steph continues to come up with scenarios on her date that will never happen.  She’s freaking out thinking that everyone is going to drink and then her date is going to ask her why she’s not and she’s going to answer “because I have a DUI” and then he’s going to ask about her family and she’s going to have to tell him all about Heidi and Spencer.  You know, it would be easier if she handed him a set of DVDs from “The Hills: Seasons 2-6.”
• The whole crew is out at Jane’s House which is more commonly known to me as “da club.”  Brody brings out his Lauren Conrad clone, McKaela (yes she actually spells it like that) and Kristin ends up just talking to Lo, Steph, and Oddy.  Brody feels like they’re secluding him and LC 2.0 and they decide to leave, but not before yelling at Kristin for not being more friendly to LC 2.0.  Kristin calls him a d*ck and then the scene ends.  Seriously, we’re 18 minutes into this crap and not only has nothing happened, per usual, but I just realized we haven’t heard from or seen Heidi and Steve Sanders.  Ugh, Enzo monopolizes so much of their time!
• The “next day” Kristin and Stacie the Pointless Bartender are walking up the street and talking about the Brody/LC 2.0 situation from the night before.  I’m not really following along with what they’re saying because Stacie the Pointless Bartender looks like she’s about to puke the whole time and is barely paying attention.  Perhaps they’re both on a coke binge.  Let’s start that rumor.
• It’s date night for Steph!  I hope she threw back a few shots to calm her nerves.  Not only do we get to meet Lo’s boyfriend, Scott, but we also get to meet Steph’s date, Max.  This poor kid.  He has no clue what in the holy hell he’s getting into.  My only advice to him, watch your wallet.  You’re on a date with a recovering alcoholic and a former shoplifter after all.
• Lo’s boyfriend tells Steph that they’re going to a nice spot at the W Hotel and Steph just blurts out “what!?!” like he just told her that they’re date is going to be putting out an oil rig fire in the Persian Gulf.  They all have a laugh over Steph’s reaction and then she slurs the words, “I really like it.”  Next she races out the door and yells back, “Come on let’s just go!”  Wow, it looks like this date is off to a great start.  Oh, and trading booze for “speed” does not still consider you to be “sober.”  Just a thought.
• During the date things seem to be going well even though Steph is grilling Max like the way she’ll have to learn how to grill food at the restaurant she’ll be forced to work at after The Hills ends and she’s forced to get a real job that she’s qualified for.  Maybe she figured if she asked him a million questions he wouldn’t have time to ask her about the drinking, and family, and criminal record, etc, etc.  Even though Steph is only 23, she is a little freaked out that Max is only 24.  She wishes he was 30.  Well Steph that’s not how it’s going to work out….kinda like the way he wishes you would drink.   Get it?  In the end they exchange phone numbers and decide to go on their own date next time without Lo and Scott.  Great, looks like we’re going to have to see more of Max E. Pad on a future crapisode.  Worst ever.  This makes me miss Jayde.
• In the end, Kristin goes by Brody’s condo to talk about their relationship and what happened the other night at “da club.”  I actually don’t care about any of this and I decided to spend this time pondering the future of television without Brody on it…and it makes me happy.  And calm.  Happy and calm.  Oh something must have happened because Kristin told Brody to shut up and she scriptedly stormed out of his condo/the set.

I’m torn.  Now was this the worst episode of the new season so far or was this the worst episode in the history of The Hills?  It’s a real toss up.   All I know is that when it was over and I had to think about what this crapisode was about I actually had no idea.  And you want to know something?  I still don’t.

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The Hills Recap: The Matrix is Safe. Whatever it is, Heidi is Apparently Not in It. So, Rest Easy America!

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Well it’s time for another crapisode of The Hills.  Like a homeless holding a cardboard box sign with a lot of writing on it, I just can’t not stop and look at it.  Here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

• We kick things off with HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag and Stephanie Pratt having a joyous lunch together outside in sunny LA.  They hug, squeal with delight, and yell “sisters.”  Remember when Lauren Conrad used to be on this show and it was actually about something?  Well, maybe it was never about anything real, but it was never about this!  Stephanie lets Holly know that Heidi and Steve Sanders have no friends, have no family, and don’t have anybody.  Yup, that was pretty much covered in the “no friends” and “no family” update, but thanks for talking slow enough and monotone enough for me to follow along.  Steph claims she’s never seen someone be this crazy (referring to Spencer) without being on a substance.  Oddly enough, I can’t believe anyone watches this also without being on a substance.
• Heidi is walking up the street to have faux-lunch with Kristin.  The camera man does a “toe to head” shot has Heidi walks up the street with neither her boobs or her hair moving at all.  It shocks me that Kristin doesn’t scream when she sees Heidi.  I’ve seen Heidi’s new look online for over 2 months now and even I yell out a “back demon, back to hell where you belong” when her face lights up my screen.
• Kristin tells Heidi she looks so good and then she glances down at her rack and says, “you look so little now.”  It’s technically Opposites Day on The Hills.
• After chatting about how crazy train Spencer is, Heidi says, “…like, who am I without Spencer?”  The answer to that is, “a robot.”  I’m actually wrong for saying that.  The correct answer is, “What is, a robot.”
• Audrina goes to visit Chaz Bono in the recording studio, which is pointless on so many accounts.  Therefore, next.
• The whole gang heads out to Wonderland for a night of fun, drinking, and obviously random conversations that I can’t seem to follow.  Audrina and Brody do this awkward strange sing/laugh “hi thing” and Stephanie Pratt wants to know if Kristin wants to spray tan because she owns her very own spray tan machine.  Seriously, what don’t the editors leave in?  It must just be like Audrina farting and Kristin snorting coke.  Allegedly.
• Brody wants to suddenly talk to Audrina about things he couldn’t talk to her about when he had a girlfriend before.  Things like life and, perhaps, taxes, and maybe even that pesky volcanic ash in Iceland.  Audrina whines that she has a boyfriend now and that “you always want what you can’t have.”  Kinda of like eyes that aren’t sleepy or non-beaver teeth.  Yeah, like those things.
• Meanwhile Spencer and Heidi show up to surprise everyone and infect the place with plastic, crazy, and a blown-out-cotton-ball-top-feathered-back-perm.  I’m of course referencing Spencer.
• When Brody has a slurred conversation with Spencer about his marriage, etc Spencer tries his hardest to cry, but he fails.  You remember what that was like?  You broke something in your parents house and knew you were F’n dead so you tried with all your power to produce tears as fast as you could?  It didn’t really work then and it’s not working for him now.  Maybe he should have been picturing Heidi’s old chin and nose?  That usually does it for me.  Hell, it’s doing it right now.  Sniff, sniff.
• Audrina goes over to Steve Sanders to ask him where Heidi is to which he replies, “You’re the lamest girl in this club.”  That’s actually the truth.  No, no it’s not.  Frankie is the lamest girl in this club and we all know it.
• Speaking of good old Frankie, Spencer tells him that he wants to smash Brody’s head off, but when he says it he grinds his teeth and shakes like someone just threw a plugged in toaster into the bathtub he’s in which, although I’m not suggesting, could kind of take care of this whoooooole situation.
• The “next day”  Heidi, Audrina, and Kristin (the Andrew Sisters of our generation) head off to lunch to talk about all things crazy.  We also learn that Heidi made her puke brown shorts that she’s wearing.  I’m sure they were made from old Montag parts.
• Audrina lets Heidi know that Spencer was rude to her last night at “da club” and then she kind of laugh/smirks and says, “So, like, do you, like think that, like, Spencer owes me, like, an apology?”  Clearly this sentence is too much for Heidi’s peroxide burnt brain to process and says, “Apologize for what?”  Ugh, it’s like I want to sit with each of them 3 days a week for 30 minutes and just do flash cards with them.
• Heidi tries to explain to the girls that all men like to be a little controlling and it’s fine.  Uh, ru-roh!  Sounds like someone’s getting good at explaining their black-eye to the girls in the office on a Monday morning!
• In the end, Heidi tells the girls that they don’t actually know her and that Spencer didn’t change Heidi.  Heidi changed Heidi.  Yeah, no, technically a “get rich quick” plastic surgeon changed Heidi so let’s just give credit where credit is due.  And also, if credit is due and we have the receipts is there any chance we can get a refund on this whole show/22 minutes?
• Later “that night” everyone heads back out to “da club” and, like 4th graders on the playground, Brody asks everyone if he and Kristin should kiss.  Oh my God can you believe it?  And then they did kiss.  Oh my God can you believe it?  I hope she didn’t get pregnant.
• Heidi and Steve Sanders also show up at “da club” and suddenly this episode turns into 30 minutes of QVC.  Heidi starts talking about her damn crystals making her a genius and how they open up your mind and also give you protection for when you’re in a war zone.  She then points her fingers up the sky and then winks.  Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously? Seriously.  Seriously?   Seriously.  Seriously?
• I wonder if they have any crystals that I can hold on my couch with me whilst I watch The Hills that can protect me from going to my window, throwing my TV, laptop, and them myself out of it?  I’m sure they do.  I’m sure one day we’ll all be able to have our own crystals that come in the bottom of every box of “Heidi-o’s.”  Heidi-o’s, part of an unbalanced breakfast.
• Thank Christ!  Holly seems a little drunk, which is always great for this show, life, and me.  She’s claiming that she can’t wait to get into a fight with Spencer so she can “kick his little f*ckin-p*ssy-a**-punk-b*tch across town and then he can shut up once and for all.” Oh that Holly she’s a feisty one and tries to use all the swears she knows at once.  It’s a good goal to have.  I may try that today.
• Meanwhile, Steve Sanders lets us know that he doesn’t let Heidi use the TV or computers.  Heidi only reads books, writes poetry, prays, and pets puppies.  Uh, I’m sure he meant to say, “uses her scooped out back as a bookshelf, writes suicide notes, prays for bigger boobs, and eat puppies.”  Simple mistake.  We’ve all been there.
• The “next day” Kristin and Brody evidently spent the night together.  Brody is, inexplicably, wearing a half-shirt like he’s Danielson from Karate Kid Part I.  I’m praying that Mr. Miagi comes back to life, crashes into the kitchen, and tells Kristin to “wax the floor, bitch!”  Sadly this doesn’t happen so we have to listen to where they are in their faux-relationship instead.  I like my scenario better.
• All the girls (in this show, not in the world) head over to Kristin’s to talk about what to do with the whole Heidi and Spencer situation.  They’re all talking about how Heidi is brainwashed and Audrina, out of all people, actually says, “There’s nothing there.  There’s no emotion.”  Well.  If that isn’t the ceiling eyes calling the beaver teeth white, then I don’t know what is!?
• In the end all the girls decide to stop talking about Heidi and Spencer forever and to cut them out of their lives forever.  Audrina shows her beaver…teeth,  Holly does the ugly cry, Lo looks like she’s can’t believe she’s a college graduate and sitting there talking about this, and Kristin says she tried everything she possible can….which is true.  I mean Kristin did have over 1 televised conversation with Heidi so, clearly, she’s done her job.

All in all, terrible episode.  Worst of the season.  I’ll watch it again, 6 times, this weekend though.

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The Hills Recap: Happy Pointless Birthday, Enzo!

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Annnnnd we’re back to Enzo.  Just when we thought it was safe to ride the drug wave with Kristin we are heading back into “Enzo territory.”  Enzo, which I believe is Spanish for “anyone gets to be on this show,” is getting a birthday party planned by Heidi and her party planner “Lisa.”  Lisa might as well just close up shop right now.  Hopefully, at least, we’ll get to hear him  pronounce “Spencer” as “Spender” and even throw in a couple of “ariba! ariba’s!”  Take a double dose of Ambien and wash it down with a pint of cheap vodka because here’s what went down last night on The Hills:

• Kicking things off with Kristin walking the beach with Brody is perfect.  We get to check out her “coke legs” that Lo and crew were talking about a few crapisodes ago and we get to hear her raspy coke voice echo in the wind.  It’s like hearing Jesus whispering words of wisdom to you.  Let it be, let it be.  Within 2 seconds Brody is already talking about Enzo’s upcoming birthday party.  I think it’s great Brody refuses to retire the trucker hat that went out of style during season 2 of “Punk’d” in 2004.  He’s like those girls you went to high school with who were really popular during high school, survived 4 abortions, but are currently unemployed, still single, and still get those crazy long fake nails and drawn in eyebrows, drink Zima out of a crazy straw at “da club”  and then go home and binge eat Twinkies and puke.  You know what I mean?  I mean, I kind of lost track what I was saying, but I’m sure someone out there is following.
• I don’t do drugs, but am I high right now?  No really.  Am I?  Am I actually witnessing Heidi talking to a party planner named Lisa/Sally Struthers about a birthday party for Enzo with elephants and wizards?  And why is Spencer’s hair so fluffy?  He’s like blond Simon Cowell.  Try a little wax stick or something.  And how come every time Heidi pushes her hair to the side she opens her mouth and then swallows?  Check it out.  She does. Every time.  Move hair. Opens mouth.  Swallows.  She’s like an Anna Nicole Pez dispenser.  Or a Pez (di)Spencer as I like to call her.  Personally I think that with the elephants and wizards Heidi should be the topless freakshow and let all the little kids poke at her face and jump on her ridiculous chest like one of those moon-bounce houses and the slide down her chin and scoop cotton candy out of her scooped out back.  Heidi Montag the portable circus, ladies and gentlemen!
• The role of Frankie  Delgado will be played by Horatio Sanz in this scene.  Brody, Frankie, and that other dude who I think used to be called Sleazy T are all at the mechanics (?) talking about cars for 2 seconds and then chit chattin’ like ladies on the same cycle about Brody liking Kristin and Audrina and blah blah bloo.  Seriously why couldn’t the Times Square attempted bomber toss a couple of propane tanks and fireworks in the cars that Brody and crew are standing around at “the shop?”  I never get what I want.  Too soon?  Moving on.
• As if things can’t get worse we’re now forced to watch the D-Bag Brigade go bowling.  How riveting.  When I’m thinking of Kristin with balls in her hands, this certainly isn’t what I had in mind.  And, for some reason, Audrina just walked into the bowling alley with Chaz Bono.  Oh, it’s Ryan Cabrera.  Simple mistake.  He should lower is spikes a bit, as we don’t need any additional reasons why Audrina needs to be looking up towards the ceiling.  Everyone is tossing balls down the alley.  Of course they show Chaz Bono sucking and Brody getting a strike.  Yawn.  They should have had Heidi run into the bowling alley and then throw her rack down the alley screaming “No whammies, no whammies, no whammies!”
• Meanwhile, the “next day” it’s the event we’ve all been waiting for.  Enzo’s birthday party.  And, without disappointment, we get to see Enzo and Heidi riding an elephant wearing a crown of thorns in her backyard.  At one point and elephant picks up a kid with his trunk.  I sh*t you not.  I’m also pretty sure I saw Lo in the background picking up a kid with her old nose.  Finally we can put all those old noses to good use.
• Steve Sanders is kissing a lamb.  Literally.  He probably just assumes it’s Heidi.  I know I did.  I was like, “When did Heidi dye her hair black?  She looks good.”
• Later the whole gang is sitting around the “kids table” and Steve Sanders continues on with his “I’m going to pretend I’m crazy” storyline.  He literally says that when Heidi went to see her mom in Crested Butte, Darlene decided to rape Heidi emotionally.  Uh, there was a rape going on in “The Butte” but I’m pretty sure it involved Heidi’s horse and perhaps a camera man or two.
• And the moment we’ve really all been waiting for.  Spencer lets everyone know that Darlene isn’t God and didn’t make Heidi.  She’s just a vagina.  You know what else is a vagina?  The Santa pubes around Spencer’s face.
• HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag is not pleased with this statement and says she needs a drink after Steve Sanders threatens to make HOlly leave his property.  I hope she gets trashed, at least it will be more interested to watch.  And remember when you were little and would get into a fight with your friend and tell him/her to get off your “private property.”  Those were the days.  I wish whilst watching this show God would tell me to get off his private property and then eliminate me from earth.
• On another night, Audrina and Chaz Bono decide to commit to each other.  Sort of.  Who cares.  Next.
• Meanwhile, having another boring “date night” is Brody and Kristin.  The only good thing about this scene is that you can totally tell that Kristin and Brody have nothing to say and are making up crap and just laughing over it.  They’re definitely in “F it, it’s out last season” mode.  They legit say one line and then laugh over what they said.  I kind of like it.  It’s like we’re all laughing together, but instead of laughter it’s tears…and the fetal position.
• What?  Wait what?  Heidi and Holly are at her house and Heidi actually says, “I’m so glad that we cleaned up after that elephant.”  Really?  Shoveling sh*t?  I expected that Heidi would be doing that after The Hills was over, not during filming.  And you totally know that she’s shoveling it and then placing all the elephant sh*t into separate ziplock bags so she can bring it to the doctor and have him inject it into her forehead, cheeks, chin, lips, butt, boobs, back, elbows, knees, ankles, neck, stomach, hips, arms, shoulders, feet, and eyelids.
• Steve Sanders is pissed at Holly for some reason after HOlly told him that she felt disrespected when Steve Sanders spoke of her mother’s vagina in a negative way.  They’re now all having a sass-off about what’s in the Bible, what’s one of the Ten Commandments, etc.  Per usual, I’m confused.  Spencer gets so pissed off that, after he. stopped. talking. in. one. word. sentences (woooooooo!), he left Casa de Chin in a huff and told Holly to go back to her real estate job….whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean?!  I would have responded by telling him to go back to the salon to let them finish removing the rollers from his hair and giving in a blowout.
• After Spencer slams the door (ish), Holly starts crying to Heidi saying that he scares her and that she doesn’t even have Heidi’s phone number to call her.  Can’t she just follow her on Twitter and reply to the random Tweets Heidi writes?  That would be easier.
• In the end, Holly leaves Casa de Chin and once she’s about 400 feet away, Spencer starts yelling crap at her and tells her she’s not welcome at “De Chin” and he’ll call the cops if he sees her there again.  Holly yells back that he’s pathetic and all is right with the world.

Well that’s that.  I’m pissed I wasn’t invited to Enzo’s birthday party.  That little midget means the world to me.  And by “the world” I, of course, mean “nothing.”  And you know what?  I’m not inviting him to my birthday party either.  And instead of elephants I’m going to hire Stephanie Pratt and ride her around my apartment and then take swings at Audrina with a stick until candy comes out of her.  So there.

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