More Mindless Stories on ‘celebrity gossip’
23
Merry Happy Holiday, Like “The Christmas!”
From all of me at IBBB, have a happy holiday season filled with electronic cigarettes, freakin’ poofs, and punches from your loved ones. Let’s all “sexy-dance” into the new year! Ho-ho-huh?
Luke Warm Regards,
IBBB
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11
Dear MTV, Please Give Butch and April Their Own Show. Thanks, IBBB.
An Open Letter/Plea to MTV (probably Liz Gately and/or Adam DiVello)
Dear Powers-to-Be at MTV,
I am writing to you to beg you to please (and thank you) give April and Butch from Teen Mom their own spin-off show. Seeing Butch’s gelled rat-tail-mullet week after week has brought more joy to the continental United States (sorry Hawaii) than I can ever put into words. Also, seeing April in her pit-stained “I’m Not Short, I’m Fun Size” t-shirt whilst chain-smoking Lucky Strikes and/or Misty 120’s, and chugging down Twisted Tea’s on the regular makes me want to hit “pause” on my DVR and never change the channel again, ever. In fact I’m planning on doing this and just hanging my TV on the wall like artwork. Mona Lisa who?
Now I’m willing to negotiate having Catelynn and Tyler involved in this project, but I am not willing to forfeit having Tyler’s mom, Kim, and her easy, breezy, beautiful 80’s perm, shoulder pads, and bugged out eyes as a regular cast member. I’m sure you’ll agree.
Personally I’d like to see a show with Butch and April in which they’re given $1,000,000 and are let loose on New York City where they’ll have to go apartment hunting, decorate said apartment, and then mingle with high-society socialites in the Upper West Side. However, if money is tight for you perhaps you’d consider one of the below spin-off ideas:
1. April Heads Back to Middle School/Butch Builds a Meth Lab
2. “The Real Three’s Company” Starring April, Kim, and Butch (special guest appearances by Gary’s mom in her sage-green silk suit)
3. Extreme Trailer Makeover
4. Paranormal Intervention Hoarders: The Butch and April Story
5. Darl’s of Our Lives
6. Drip, Drip, Drop Little April Showers (April hits the bottle again)
7. Glee
Please let me know how you’d like to proceed and the level of involvement you need from me. Keep in mind, Jersey Shore is such a “hit with the kids” because people love to watch stereotypes in motion as a way to feel better about themselves. Don’t you think it’s time to glamorize white trash? You don’t need to answer that. I already know your answer.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB
09
Taking a Few Seconds Off
Hi all. I know everyone comes here for some laughs and to get away from their desk for a few minutes a day, so I apologize in advance for the brief Debbie Downer moment. I recently found out that a long-time reader of IBBB had passed away. While I never knew him personally, Kevin was one of my Facebook friends and would shoot over emails to me from time to time regarding some of the absolute crap I would write about on a daily basis. It’s funny because I can look at the hundreds of thousands of people who read IBBB monthly and sometimes it just looks like numbers, but I am always so grateful for the people that are behind those numbers. When things like this happen it’s always so easy to jump back in to “what really matters in life” and to “stop sweating the small stuff,” but I think it’s true. I feel like you sometimes never really know what someones situation is behind closed doors, but it’s important to get to know that.
So, today I’m taking the blogging day off and dedicating it to Kevin from South Carolina. Thanks for always reading, Kevin, and rest in peace. Also, if you can let me know if God happens to not like the jokes I make I would kind of appreciate that. Especially the ones about Bindi. Oh, and about LC’s mustache. Although, I bet he’s laughing at that one.
-IBBB
19
Happy Birthday to Me!
Even though I made a deal with Santa Christ and Jesus Claus (they’re two different people) that I would no longer age I have turned another year older. Today in fact. Now don’t get me wrong, I am appreciative that my birthday does fall on the same day that Jersey Shore is on. I mean, I’m not an animal. I have my priorities in life.
Not only do I turn a year older, but this here sh*t-bag blog has also recently had a birthday too. IBBB has turned 4. Is that insane? No really, it is. I’ve been spewing out nonsense for 4 years and, well, that’s sad and pathetic and sad. It’s also pathetic. Did I mention sad? Sad.
So, as I prepare my “surprised face” when I walk into my surprise party at the Brownstone hosted by Tre, Barney Rubble, Harriet Carter, Bindi Irwin, Lindsay No Pants, Donna Martin (getting thrown down the stairs by Ray Pruit, of course), LC’s mustache, Snooki, Kim G, Milaini (yelling Fabulous!), Butch, Amber and Gary (Roseanne and Dan), Knockers del Toro, Joel McHale, Enzo, Erin Jo, Olivia, Joe Zee Messina, Kelly Cutrone, and the lady who yelled about chicken tetrazzini on Maury Povich, I will be taking the day off.
As my gift to you, please enjoy the original theme song from “Gimme a Break” sung by Nell Carter. Spoiler Alert: When I blow out my birthday candles my wish is that Nell Carter would, of course, come back to life and sing this to me.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB
29
The Hills Recap: You Know the Show Doesn’t End When You’re Crazy and Run Scenarios in Your Head All the Live-Long Day, Right? Riiiight?
Did you know The Hills was over? Did you know that I was crazy? Do you know that The Hills never ends when you’re crazy? It’s easier that way. Here’s what I can only assume would have happened in the next crapisode of The Hills…had it continued. Let’s run this up the flagpole and see if it waves.
• We kicks things off with the whole Douche Bag Brigade picking shards of glass out of Kristin’s face and arms. Apparently they weren’t joking with that whole “Kristin is on drugs” thing, as she crashed through the front window of Brody’s condo in a meth-related binge and fell out onto the street.
• Meanwhile, Heidi and Steve Sanders are back from their “2 month hiatus.” Heidi was busy getting her “H’s” put in, but to all of our surprise she also had her horses d*ck from Crested Butte attached to just the left of her vaginastein so that the next time America tells Heidi to go F herself she can actually do it. Way to be proactive.
• Steve Sanders, on the other hand, was busy wrapping up his molestation trial with Enzo. I hope those two crazy kids really make it work together one day…in 14 more years. Also, it’s nice to see Spencer’s Santa pubes shine under the lighting in court.
• It’s the night of Audrina’s big party to celebrate her reuniting with Justin Bobby. I think it’s sweet that no one has told her that J Bob was just run down by an 18-wheeler whilst riding his motorcycle. Luckily he was wearing his shiny silver disco ball helmet so the doctors think the brain damage will be minimal. Little do they know he was always like that.
• Surprise of the Night Alert: Lauren just showed up to Audrina’s and brought her mustache as her date. Scandal! I wonder what J Wahl will think!
• Audrina seems pissed that LC crashed the party. We know this because her top lip has, once again, gone into hiding. The search party will start an all out search with her gums and work their way back to her 12 year old molars to see if her lip is hiding out there.
• Oh, hey Lo! I’m really loving Lo’s storyline of her moving in with her boyfriend. I’m kidding. It sucks. He looks like a Level Three.
• Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Kristin are blowing off Audrina’s party and are heading up the coast to see if they can bang complete strangers in towns that don’t have televisions…or teeth for that matter. Kristin just passed her meth pipe to Stacie the Pointless Bartender and she mixed a Mojito in it. Hmm, maybe she’s not just a pointless bartender after all. I’m kidding. She is.
• Stephanie Pratt is getting help from Holly Ethel Mertz Montag on updating her resume. She has a big interview at Whole Foods. Holly started drinking about 2 hours before the cameras went up so Steph’s resume looks like this:
• Frankie and Sleezy T are so busy licking Brody’s b*lls for camera time that they didn’t even notice that Heidi has newer boobs and a horse penis. Some people are so self involved, you know?
• In the end, Kristin ends up getting gang-banged by the locals in the bar in exchange for one rock of coke (whatever that is), Frankie gets his tongue caught on Brody’s zipper, and Heidi has toppled over in her apartment and even the camera crew can’t help pick her up. They’re going to need to use that machine that they used to get Carnie Wilson out of her house circa 1992.
Tune in next week when Darlene Montag gets a search warrant to look for her horses penis at Heidi and Spencer’s place. The horse was limping. It was a dead giveaway.
