More Mindless Stories on ‘celebrity gossip’

It’s Not You, It’s Me. I’m Kidding. It Is, Of Course, You.

Programming Note: IBBB (that’s me) is off to sunny LA for work this week.  I know, it’s tough.  I’m hoping to find some time to become a Scientologist and a Geologist all in one shot.  I will, of course, be hunting Lohan’s, trying to find out if Madame Tussauds has a Nell Carter wax statue (and buying it), and high-fiving as many Michael Jackson impostors on the Hollywood Walk of Fame as my hand allows me.  To sum up, I’ll be busy.

Now.  What this means for you.  First off, you’ll get a nice break from me for one week.  You’re welcome.  Second of all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.  Or is it Fonda?  I can never remember.  Fifteenth of all, sadly, this here crap bag blog will be sans updates.  I know, wipe away those tears.  Just think of how much worse you’ll feel if my airplane blows up mid-air (as I always think it will).  Throw salt over your shoulder so that never happens to me.

So please let me answer the questions that are sure to be emailed to me and posted on my Facebook page on the regular.  Teen Mom will, sadly, not be recapped this week.  It’s not late.  It’s not happening.  Yes, I missed the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion.  It, sadly, will not be recapped this week.  It’s not late.  It’s not happening.  Jersey Shore, sadly, will not be recapped this week.  It’s not late.  It’s not happening.  Mob Wives?  I don’t recap it, but thank you for your suggestion.  P.S., Big Ang really does rule all!

In closing, if you really miss me and almost drown in your pillow tears then feel free to join me on my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter because I am likely to update you all/y’all on my “goings ons” in the city of angles.  So, just click on the wondrous Facebook image below and we’ll be creepy online friends before you know it!

If You Don’t Try Harder, You’ll Never Meet Goal

My good people of Boston,

Something seems a little off lately in my wicked-pissah hometown and while I couldn’t necessarily put my finger on it (giggity), the drunken skanks over at Boston.com surely have figured it out and apparently the murder total is unusually low.  Hmmm, unusually low?  I, too, would have expected more brutal killings by this time of year.  I mean, it only makes sense as the weather gets a little better and murderers are sure to be outside buying ice cream from the giant Pedophile Mobile and, you know, killing and junk.

Looking at the numbers alone it appears that murders are down almost 48% (See how I rounded up?  Don’t worry, I still carried the Remainder 1).  48%?  You know there’s nothing that pisses me off more than lazy murderers.  It’s like, fine I’ll hand you the knife but you have to at least chase me before you slice me.  I’m certainly not going to do it myself.  I’m not an animal!

And now that murder is apparently a “fad” around the Boston area what has taken its place?  Please don’t tell me armed robbery or “selling drugs to kids” is seeing a positive growth rate.  I won’t stand for it.  Armed robbery is so 1982 and “selling drugs to kids,” while a good long-term investment plan, isn’t as big of a deal as it used to be thanks to our friends “computer cleaner” and “AquaNet hairspray cans.”

I guess, overall, with more people back to work no one has time to kill anymore.  It’s sad, really.  First we see more traffic, more people on the trains, and now less murder?  What a world.  Either way, you better shape up Boston or soon you’ll have the reputation of Nebraska and, well, we don’t have enough room in our lives or land for drastic corn rumors.

Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB

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If These Chicks Would Have Cuddled, My Life Would Have No Meaning. None.

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The original cast of Teen Mom is the equivalent of the original cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey for me.  In my eyes they can do no wrong.  So when I saw this quick 30 second commercial (?) I punched myself in the nutsels until I spit out 2 pints of piping hot Pitocin.  Then I puked over the side of my bed.  Regardless, I was celebrating.

The main take away here (although there are many) is that Farrah, Catelynn, Maci, and Amber really wish that instead of getting pregnant they would have cuddled with their boyfriends instead.  No really they said that.  Cuddle.  They wish they cuddled instead.  Really?  Ya do?  ‘Cuz I’m pretty sure that money you’re banking right now sorta makes you wish you had twins.

Now let’s recap the video clip because, you know, I don’t have a hell of a lot else going on right now.  First off, Catelynn is sporting a retainer across her top teeth in this video.  Of course she is.  At first glance I thought she tossed her braces back on.  Apparently having them on for 10 yrs wasn’t enough time.  And, let’s face it, if she did end up cuddling with Tyler I’m sure she would have gotten the bangs banged out of her from Snarlin’ Darlin’ behind the trailer whilst April chain smoked Misty 120’s and spit-shined her BMW.

Next up, we have Farrah.  She’s such a treat even in simply 5 seconds.  The way she’s gotten herself to look more like Slimey the Worm is beyond a gift from Jesus Claus and his own Teen Mom, Mary.  Farrah’s such a b*tch even in the short amount of time she’s featured.  She says, and I quote, “Because cuddling is better than going all the waaaaaaaay.”  Seriously she sounds so pissed off by even entertaining this thought.  I’m sure Debra was behind the camera like a stage mother trying to get Farrah to smile by using her court-ordered trash claw to snap at her.  Most importantly, Farrah has nearly morphed into Miss Gulch (and you know it).

I’m surprised they didn’t save my favorite for the very end.  Nope, Roseanne Amber is up next.  And what in the holy hell is she even talking about?!  She lifelessly says, “It would have been better just to relax.”  Hahaha!  Yes!  What?!  You totally know they got Amber there by saying she has to tell the camera ways that she could have avoided beating the ever-loving bag out of Gary.  Now I’m not joking with this; I will give Amber $5,000 is she gets MTV to retape this entire commercial and instead she says, “It would have been better to just have ’sexy-danced’ the pants of Gar Bear.”  Please!  Please?  Who’s with me!  Also, Amber may or may not be on enough Vicodin to stop a charging rhino.

Similar to the actual show, we end with Maci.  Yup.  Not much to say there.  I mean, I’m pretty sure Ryan actually did want to just cuddle and that’s what all his yawning is about.  Plus, he probably didn’t feel like scrubbing orange spray-tan off his naughty blonk blonk at midnight.  Where’s Bint-Lee?!

In the end, I think this message is terrible.  Sure, the part about not having sex is fine.  But, come on, cuddling?  If they really wanted to get the message across Amber should have been like, “I wish I just gave a handy under the bleachers.”  No joke, that might go on my t-shirt line and/or greeting card line I’m currently brainstorming.

Wanna cuddle with me?  Join me awkwardly on my Facebook page!

Here’s How I Envision It…

By now we all have seen the footage that the drunken skankbots over at TMZ have of Jenelle beating the bag out of some chick on her own front lawn.  Now if you forget who Jenelle is, she’s Barb’s little b*tch of a daughtah.  Sure, I could just run the same tasteless video that every other site has been running but since I’m a toolbox-garbage-heap mix I figured I’d like to show you how I see the fight going down…if I was casting and producing.  Walk with me, talk with me, do poop with me.

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Narration Inspired by Barb:

~ Oh what did Mr. Disrespectful there put you up to this, Jenelle?  He’s such a losaaah!  You always go for these loooooosaaah’s like Andreeeeew.  What aaah you gonna hit me?  Jenelle I’m gonna call the cops and then yaw gonna be outta here.  That’s it, yaw done.

~  Lawdy hallelujah you just knocked my blue shirt right off my body, Jenelle!  Grandpa Mike, where the hell aaaah you?  Jenelle is goin all 6’s and 7’s on my ass.  Where’s Jace?  Jenelle just don’t hit me in my aaaaaahms because I need ‘em to slice the honey baked ham sliced thin at Walmart. Come on Jenelle, leave me alone I’m the assistant supervisaaah for the weekend shift.

~ Well aren’t we havin’ a la-da-da time!  I know this isn’t the best time to bring this up or nuthin’, Jenelle, but YOU KNOW WHAT?  You haven’t been a paaaaaarent to this baby since it was bawn!  Yaw like the worst piece of sh*t mothaaah evaaah since, like, me!

~  Ya know, Jenelle, don’t think yaw goin’ out Friiiidaaaaay!  Why the hell am I still on the ground?  Yaw punching me and I’m out bustin’ my baaaaalllls, makin’ minimum wage, tryin’ ta survive!  You don’t care about anyone but yaw God-damn boyfriend.  Where is Kieffah by the way?  And where the hell is my Disovaaaah caaaahd?

~  We ahhhh so white trash.  That’s it, I’m callin’ the cops and then yaw nevaaah gonna see this here baby again.  We’re goin’ to court.  And why the hell is Farrah here?

End scene.

See?  Now wasn’t that more fun than watching the video?  I think so.  Although in my ending, Barb would have won the fight.  I mean, in my world Amber and Gary would be fist fighting on the neighbors lawn and Debra would be there poking at them with her trash claw.  Oh if I could just run the world.  One day.

Amber’s Mug Shot is Easy, Breezy, Beautiful

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Teen Mom’s Amber Portwood, the less orange Lindsay Lohan of our generation, has been arrested for allegedly (although my eyes saw it via the MTV cameras) beating the baby fat out of her fiance Gary (or Gar Bear has he is fondly referred to around the offices of IBBB) during August 2009 and July 2010.  Is it wrong that I’m hoping that she beat him on August 19th (my birthday)?  Eh, it’s fine.

Please don’t mind the TMZ splattered across these mug shot.  I’ll just assume it stands for “Teen Mom Zone” and, well, so should you.  Teen Mom Zone has been told that if Amber, who is sitting in an Indiana prison right now, is convicted she faces up to 3 years in the slammer-lammer-ding-dong.  This is practically the best thing that could have ever happened to me, you, Amber, and MTV.  Just think.  Spin-off.  “Teen Moms Behind Bars.”  Hi-five me someone!

Something tells me that Amber may be “sexy-dancing” for a carton of cigarettes and might, just might, be “scissoring” her way into the new year with her cell-mate.  Please, my little nino Jesus, let the cameras be rolling!

Maybe she’s born with it?  Maybe it’s Cracker Barrel?