More Mindless Stories on ‘celebrity gossip’

…In Other News…

What’s Aniston packing?  In other news…

~ An Extra Happy Britney ~ CR
~ Mad Men Dolls: So You Can Teach Kids to Smoke and Drink Even Younger! ~ LS
~ Betty White: SNL: May 8th: Be There ~ DL
~ Is That Unicorn Hat Giving Me the Finger? ~ Ayyyy
~ Jersey Shore Cast Gets Inglorious…See What I Did There? ~ ABH
~ J Simps Fat Rumors….Again ~ Y!
~ Housewife Running. Housewife Running. ~ DSF
~ Slater Should Have Slapped a BuddyBand On It ~ EB
~ Charlie Sheen and the Case of the Hooker? ~ C|B

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A Wizard of Oz Remake? I’ll Start Casting.

You know how when you’re really drunk you and your friends sit around and someone comes up with a great idea of going away on a trip, spur of the moment, and you all talk about getting a cab, like right now, and heading to the airport and just hop on a plane?  You know how everyone jumps up and is like “This is going to be so awesome” and you start digging for your bathing suit, deodorant, and a clean pair of underwear?  You know how as soon as you’re all about to bolt out the door you have that one friend that says, “does everyone have their credit card?”  and then all of a sudden you sober up in a nanosecond and think, “Wait, this is such a dumb idea.  I’m going to bed instead.”  Yeah, well whoever is deciding to do a remake of The Wizard of Oz forgot do the part where they just decide to go to bed instead.  Terrible idea.

According to the LA Times, “Fresh off Disney’s massive success with Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland,” Warner Bros. wants to remake another childhood classic….The studio is examining two existing “Wizard of Oz” projects, with an eye toward giving one of them a modern gloss and moving it toward the screen.

One project, called “Oz,” currently lives at Warner’s New Line label. It’s being produced by Temple Hill, which is behind a little franchise called “Twilight,” and has a script written by Darren Lemke, a writer on the upcoming “Shrek Forever After.”

A second “Wizard of Oz” project, set up at Warners proper, skews a little darker — it’s written by “A History of Violence” screenwriter Josh Olson and focuses on a granddaughter of Dorothy who returns to Oz to fight evil. “Clash of the Titans” producer Basil Iwanyk and his Thunder Road Pictures are behind that one. (”Spawn” creator Todd MacFarlane is potentially involved in a producerial capacity, to give you some idea of the tone.)”

Ugh?  Really?  I guess it could be cool.  Kind of.  If I had to cast this (and I’m writing to Congress right now trying to make this a law), I would cast Marsha Warfield as Dorothy, the Scarecrow would be played by the dude who played the father with the mullet in “My Two Dads.”  The role of the Tin Man would be played by Jenna Von Oy (Six from “Blossom”).  The Cowardly Lion, of course, would be beautifully portrayed by Bindi Sue Irwin.  The Wicked Witch of the West shall be played by Jodie Sweetin.  And, finally, Glinda the Good Witch will be played by Tony Danza.  Phew, now that that’s out of the way let the Oscar nominations roll in!  Oh, and Mary Kate AND Ashley Olsen will each play Toto.  Done.

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Kristen Wiig Does “V” Magazine

When I first read that Kristen Wiig was in “V” Magazine I just assumed she was showing off her “gentlemen greeter.”  You would think that too, right?  Right?  Riiiiiiight?  Anyway, she’s not showing off the Grover Beavland, but she is transforming herself into three random women from what I can only assume is history.  Yup, I just checked.  It is history.

Quite possibly one of the best SNL cast-members of all time (yeah I said it), Wiig morphed into Carmen Miranda (and gives Bugs Bunny a run for his money), Brigitte Bardot, and Frida Kahlo (whom I just discovered is technically not Selma Hayek).  Personally I think that she looks like Meredith Vieira in the last photo, but it’s still a win-win-win.

It’s strange because whenever I write about Kristen Wiig I always get emails from randoms telling me they can’t believe I think she’s funny.  I don’t just think she’s funny, I think she’s brilliant.  Am I wrong?  I don’t think I can be.  Similar to my love of Kelly Cutrone, Ramona Singer, and Harriet Carter, I want to split a 30 pack with Wiig and then knock over a 7-11. Why can these things never happen for me?  I read The Secret.  Blah.

*Thanks to Molly for the tip on the story

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I’ll Take “Hate Mail” for $200

Another day, another nastygram.  I guess the song was right.  You do take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the fact’s of life….the fact’s of life.  This time someone, who I originally thought was either the son of Papouli from Full House or the father from Webster, decided to email me over on Facebook to let me know how horrible I am.  So if you ever wanted to see exactly what an actual adult Bindi Irwin fan looks like….here you go.

I did remove his last name to protect the mentally unstable (allegedly).  I also can’t follow one sentence this guy sent to me.  It’s like reading the instructions that you get when you buy an entire train set from the Dollar Store.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it.  I did take the time to write back as it’s important to thank those who love and hate the site…and me, for that matter.

Betty White Confirms She’s Hosting Saturday Night Live

I think it’s great that Betty White will be appearing on SNL.  I really do.  I hope they smut it up with her.  But here’s the only thing that make me lay awake at night.  The Greenhouse Effect.  No wait, not that.  No.  The Golden Girls death track record.  You know what I mean?  Time is-a-tickin’ and, well, let’s just be safe and not have Betty White host the last episode of the season.  Time’s a factor.

Anyway, Betty did confirm to People Magazine while she was at the Elton John Oscar party that she will appear on SNL in the near future.  This would be a great episode, but they must go right to smut.  They must.  And if they plan on doing that I’d like to be in the audience to see it.  So who’s going to get me tickets?  Start working on that…..now.

You know, if only Facebook and the Internet were around 8 years  ago (huh?) I would have lead the effort to get Nell Carter on SNL.  Now I have to really try to make this happen via a Oujia Board and voodoo doll.

Getting to Know, YOU!

Time for another installment of Getting to Know YOU! Here we take a look at what words people are typing into Google and somehow landing on ImBringingBloggingBack. Brilliant. As always, I list out my favorites of the recent past and add my own thoughts after. Enjoy it, but not too much.

• danny devito and lil kim snooki (I called that in episode one)
• mariah carey whore (Glad you could stop on by)
• snooki fat mexican (And now a word from our racist searchers)
• “catelynn’s mom” “forehead” (I know, right!)
• aggressive chick gooses guy in jeans (Winehouse antics?)
• ashlee simpson nose grew back (Someone told a lie!)
• chelsea lately camel toe pics (Her name isn’t Chelsea Lately)
• did uncle jesse in full house ever call mary-kate and ashley olsen’s character michelle tanner the nickname sonnie in full house (Meth much?)
• farrah abraham needs to do porn (She will, my friend, she will)
• gretchen rossi serve tamra summons (I hope this is true!)
• im bringing a girl to a party what do i do (7 minutes in heaven)
• jwoww bedazzled hot pants (Brilliant.  Each. Word. Brilliant.)
• name of danielle, pauly’s stalker (Danielle)
• were bringing blogging back (Too late)
• what is lynne from real housewives on? (Cuffs)

The Slomin’s Shield: My New Favorite Commercial. Ever. “EVER.”

There is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to book a Slomin’s commercial.  Regardless, this commercial is priceless and they play it on what seems like a constant loop in NYC.  Like a dog hearing the cabinet opening to get a treat, I immediately stop what I’m doing and look up to the TV to watch this mess in all its glory.  Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this commercial was made by the same people who write for the Harriet Carter catalog.

In what couldn’t be any more over-acted, we get to see three couples experiencing a possible break-in…and then how they would react if they had the Slomin’s alarm system.  The first lady is great.  At first she freaks out and then when she realizes it’s her neighbors house who had the break-in she, literally, gets pissed off at the neighbor for not having an alarm system.  Yeah, because this is definitely an “I told ya so” moment.  Relax.  As a sidenote, it’s nice to see that Toni Braxton is getting work again.

Next up we have the fireman who may or may not also be an inner city wrestler.  He has to tell his bitch-bag of a wife that he has to work late again.  We know he “means it” because he puts extra emphasis on his hands whilst he talks into the phone.  The bitch-bag of a wife screams over the phone like he just told her he flushed their daughter down the toilet.  When she realizes she has the alarm system she tells her husband that she’s fine with it and she’ll even have dinner ready for him.  I’m surprised she knows how to set the alarm all the way back there in the 1950’s.

The finally we have the sleeping couple.  The wife shoots up out of bed like Satan, himself, is coming to collect her soul.  When she realized she has the alarm system she goes back to bed with a smile on her face like she’s ready to rape the willing.

Go Slomin’s.  Go often.

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…In Other News…

Someone’s turning into a fat ass.  In other news…

~ Heather Graham, Always Naked ~ CR
~ Kelly Osbourne Has Nana Hair ~ CB
~ Who Went from a Girl to a Boy? ~ DL
~ Winehouse Heading to Rehab? ~ LS
~ It Always Starts With Smoking ~ ABH
~ Did Mary Carey Steal These from Mariah Carey? ~ DSF
~ Mo’Nique Couldn’t Care Less ~ Y!

227 Reunion on The Today Show. Thank You Santa Christ!

Well folks, the years of writing letters and powering through my rosary beads have finally paid off.  The cast of 227 reunited on The Today Show and, you know what, it feels so good.  Now we were missing Rose and Pearl as both are currently taking dirt naps.  However skanktastic Jackee Harry did tell a comical story of when Pearl was on her death bed and, well, if you can’t make jokes then, when you can you make jokes?

It was great seeing Mary, Lester, Brenda, Calvin, and Sandra all on the same stage together and seeing 3 out of 5 of them almost begging for work.  Fine I made that part up.  As a sidenote, Mary, Lester, Brenda, Calvin, and Sandra is actually my ATM pin code.  I usually stand there for a while before I get to access my money.

I would also like to take a second to thank the cast of 227 for reuniting as it forced me to stay on the treadmill for an extra 15 minutes as I was just about to jump off when Matt Lauer informed me they would be up next.  So, yeah.  Thanks.

Oddly Enough, This is What Paula Abdul Sees When She Looks in the Mirror

But, in Paula’s defense, this is kinda does look like the Cold Hearted Snake outfit that Paula wore during the video that my parents wouldn’t let me watch when it was on MTV because it was too “sexy times” so I had to watch it at my friends house which was just kinda awkward anyway.

Nevertheless, (bonus points for using that word) Lady Gaga looked like when on the old Looney Toon’s episode when someone would have a stick of dynamite explode in their face, while was leaving her hotel in London yesterday morning with a bodyguard who may or may not be an obese Bull from “Night Court.”

In other Gaga news, she confirmed that she’ll be heading out on her biggest tour ever starting this June in the US for a 30 city tour.  So, uh, go to that.

Get a Haircut. You Look Like a Level Three.

That is all.

…In Other News…

Shhhh!  Quiet, please!  LC’s mustache would like to say something.   Lauren Cockring presented a discussion panel for her book “Sweet Little Lies” at Barnes & Noble in Chicago yesterday.  I have no idea what half that sentence means.  In other news…

~ Zoe Saldana Shows Herself…Frequently ~ CR
~ Lohan Needs a Good Bath ~ DSF
~ Gwyneth Paltrow’s Friendship Divorce. She’s an Idiot. ~ ABH
~ Taylor Swift’s New Face ~ DL
~ The Chick from The Bachelor Has a Sex Tape? Shocking. ~ FB
~ Oprah Helps Facilitate a Booty Call ~ LS
~ I Thought This Was the Octomom ~ Ayyy
~ Tyra Banks Invents Lemonade ~ The Soup!
~ Jersey Shore Cast Play Oregon Trail ~ IBBB
~ Jersey Shore Douche Photo ~ Y!

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Jenelle from 16 and Pregnant: Don’t Think You’re Going Out Friiiiiday

Where do we even begin?  First off, I know I’m 1 week late in writing about the Jenelle episode of 16 & Pregnant, but there’s good reason for it.  I actually needed 1 full week to get my mind around the actual episode, as I couldn’t believe it was real.

Well, let’s cut the pleasantries and just get right down to what everyone in America (and parts of Canada) were thinking.  Janelle may be the worst mom on planet earth.  I mean, Joan Crawford was pretty bad, but at least she took the time to beat the kids with the wire hangers.  Jenelle wouldn’t even have enough desire to do that.

What I feel the most sorry about is that one day her kid, Jace, is going to grow up and have to watch this episode and see with his own eyes what a D-bag his mom was.  And why the hell did they always call the baby “it.”  Janelle and her mom, Barbara (who we’ll get to in a second) would say things like “Here.  Take it.”  Or other loving phrases like, “What are you gonna do with it?”  Awww, it’s like the Hallmark card writes itself.  It’s like, hey dumb bitches, the baby is about 6 months old…and it’s a boy….and you named it….and you (probably) know his name….so, uh, you can stop calling the baby “it?”

Another one in the D-Bag Hall of Fame is Jenelle’s boyfriend, Andrew.  He claims he was a model at one point, but now lost his license, has been in jail, and drinks like it’s the last day of the earth being around.  He also lives 4-hours away and could possibly be the worst father ever.  That Jace is one lucky kid.  Seriously, give him to me.  I can take care of him for about 45 minutes a day, but that’s still more attention than he’s getting from those two.

However, thee unsung hero/best character in an MTV series since “Butch” from Teen Mom/best scene stealer of the episode is, of course, Jenelle’s mom Barbara.  “….and you’re paaaaahtyin’ your ass off!”  Now I know they live in North Carolina, but you know that Barbara literally took the USS Constitution right out of the Boston Harbor, swung by Plymouth Rock, and drove that ship right into North Carolina.  If she doesn’t have the best Boston accent I’ve heard in years then I don’t know what a Boston accent is.  And, being from Boston, trust me…I know accents.

Barbara had a bunch of great one-liners like, “…you kids think this baby is like a dog or a cat, where you just leave it on the couch and go out paaaaahtyin’.”  I also love when she’s yelling at Jenelle and then says, “….you don’t know how stressed I am.  I got this little bitch of a daughter (that’s you) who takes off all the time…..”  And let’s not forget my other favorite quote, “…this is my grandson and it’ll be a cold day in hell before you walk away and not have someone take care of this baby properly.”  I mean toss in the thick accent and sprinkle it with slurred words and you got yourself a recipe for success.  I honestly think that every time I watch this episode I can feel my brain smiling.  I mean, it’s totally rotting, but it’s smiling too.  I just know it.

Let’s not forget, however, that even tough Jenelle will be rotting in hell one day she, too, had a great quote that literally is stuck in my head all day long.  And you know it’s stuck in yours too.  The quote, of course, that I’m talking about is when she does the impression of Barbara and says, “I’ll watch him tonight, but don’t think you’re goin’ out on Friiiiiiiday.”  No joke, when I close my eyes at night I can almost hear her whispering it in my ear.  It provides me with sweet dreams.

Anyway, in the end, after Jenelle decided to take even more personal time for herself (so she can continue to go out paaaaahhhtyin’) she (I think) is having her mom help raise the baby….which I believe she was already doing, but this time I think it’s just to make sure that it was documented on camera so that she can relinquish all responsibility.

Friiiiiiiday.

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…In Other News…

Eve Plumb Florence Henderson may be dead while on the red carpet for “Broadway Backwards 5″ in NYC yesterday.  I bet Marcia would never take a photo like that.  In other news…

~ Penelope Cruz Shows a Little ~ CityRag
~ Kristen Stewart Looking Easy Breezy ~ ABH
~ Apparently The Bachelor is Still Being Watched ~ CS
~ Spencer Pratt: Steps Away from Homeless ~ LS
~ Lohan Still Crazy ~ EB
~ Janet Jackson Grinching Out ~ Dlisted
~ Rumor Willis Shows a Little ~ DSF
~ Kelly Ripa Plays With Clay ~ The Soup!
~ Spinning Ice Skaters ~ Ayyyy

Can Someone Just Find Boner Already?!

I’m doing my part.  Are you doing yours?  For the past few days now I feel like all I’ve read about was how Boner from “Growing Pains” has gone missing.  Boner Stabone (Andrew Koenig) has been missing in Vancouver for over 1 week now.  He reportedly gave his landlord a 30 day notice and then cleaned out his entire apartment.

Well now his fellow co-star of Growing Pains, Kirk Cameron, took to People Magazine to to reach out to Boner in case, you know, he’s holed up somewhere reading People Magazine online.  Kirk says, “I am praying for his family during this time of distress and for his safe return. Andrew, if you’re reading this, please call me.”  Kirk continued, “Mike and Boner could always work things out when they put their minds to it. I’m praying for you, pal. Hope to hear from you soon.”

Looks like someone is just trying to score themselves a Growing Pains spinoff.  Hopefully Boner is alive and well, especially after his father had told People that the last time he spoke with his son he was “despondent.”  That sucks.

Safe returns, Stabone.