More Mindless Stories on ‘celebrity gossip’

Happy Birthday to Me!

Even though I made a deal with Santa Christ and Jesus Claus (they’re two different people) that I would no longer age I have turned another year older.  Today in fact.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am appreciative that my birthday does fall on the same day that Jersey Shore is on.  I mean, I’m not an animal.  I have my priorities in life.

Not only do I turn a year older, but this here sh*t-bag blog has also recently had a birthday too.  IBBB has turned 4.  Is that insane?  No really, it is.  I’ve been spewing out nonsense for 4 years and, well, that’s sad and pathetic and sad.  It’s also pathetic.  Did I mention sad?  Sad.

So, as I prepare my “surprised face” when I walk into my surprise party at the Brownstone hosted by Tre, Barney Rubble, Harriet Carter, Bindi Irwin, Lindsay No Pants, Donna Martin (getting thrown down the stairs by Ray Pruit, of course), LC’s mustache, Snooki, Kim G, Milaini (yelling Fabulous!), Butch, Amber and Gary (Roseanne and Dan), Knockers del Toro, Joel McHale, Enzo, Erin Jo, Olivia, Joe Zee Messina, Kelly Cutrone, and the lady who yelled about chicken tetrazzini on Maury Povich, I will be taking the day off.

As my gift to you, please enjoy the original theme song from “Gimme a Break” sung by Nell Carter.  Spoiler Alert: When I blow out my birthday candles my wish is that Nell Carter would, of course, come back to life and sing this to me.

Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB

The Hills Recap: You Know the Show Doesn’t End When You’re Crazy and Run Scenarios in Your Head All the Live-Long Day, Right? Riiiight?

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Did you know The Hills was over? Did you know that I was crazy? Do you know that The Hills never ends when you’re crazy? It’s easier that way. Here’s what I can only assume would have happened in the next crapisode of The Hills…had it continued. Let’s run this up the flagpole and see if it waves.

• We kicks things off with the whole Douche Bag Brigade picking shards of glass out of Kristin’s face and arms. Apparently they weren’t joking with that whole “Kristin is on drugs” thing, as she crashed through the front window of Brody’s condo in a meth-related binge and fell out onto the street.

• Meanwhile, Heidi and Steve Sanders are back from their “2 month hiatus.” Heidi was busy getting her “H’s” put in, but to all of our surprise she also had her horses d*ck from Crested Butte attached to just the left of her vaginastein so that the next time America tells Heidi to go F herself she can actually do it. Way to be proactive.

• Steve Sanders, on the other hand, was busy wrapping up his molestation trial with Enzo. I hope those two crazy kids really make it work together one day…in 14 more years. Also, it’s nice to see Spencer’s Santa pubes shine under the lighting in court.

• It’s the night of Audrina’s big party to celebrate her reuniting with Justin Bobby. I think it’s sweet that no one has told her that J Bob was just run down by an 18-wheeler whilst riding his motorcycle. Luckily he was wearing his shiny silver disco ball helmet so the doctors think the brain damage will be minimal. Little do they know he was always like that.

• Surprise of the Night Alert: Lauren just showed up to Audrina’s and brought her mustache as her date. Scandal! I wonder what J Wahl will think!

• Audrina seems pissed that LC crashed the party. We know this because her top lip has, once again, gone into hiding. The search party will start an all out search with her gums and work their way back to her 12 year old molars to see if her lip is hiding out there.

• Oh, hey Lo! I’m really loving Lo’s storyline of her moving in with her boyfriend. I’m kidding. It sucks. He looks like a Level Three.

• Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Kristin are blowing off Audrina’s party and are heading up the coast to see if they can bang complete strangers in towns that don’t have televisions…or teeth for that matter. Kristin just passed her meth pipe to Stacie the Pointless Bartender and she mixed a Mojito in it. Hmm, maybe she’s not just a pointless bartender after all.  I’m kidding.  She is.

• Stephanie Pratt is getting help from Holly Ethel Mertz Montag on updating her resume. She has a big interview at Whole Foods. Holly started drinking about 2 hours before the cameras went up so Steph’s resume looks like this:

• Frankie and Sleezy T are so busy licking Brody’s b*lls for camera time that they didn’t even notice that Heidi has newer boobs and a horse penis. Some people are so self involved, you know?

• In the end, Kristin ends up getting gang-banged by the locals in the bar in exchange for one rock of coke (whatever that is), Frankie gets his tongue caught on Brody’s zipper, and Heidi has toppled over in her apartment and even the camera crew can’t help pick her up. They’re going to need to use that machine that they used to get Carnie Wilson out of her house circa 1992.

Tune in next week when Darlene Montag gets a search warrant to look for her horses penis at Heidi and Spencer’s place. The horse was limping. It was a dead giveaway.

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Come to New York. Come Swim in a Dumpster.

Using homeless people as floats has never had more meaning than now!  Welcome to New York, grab a tetanus shot, and come swim in our dumpsters….literally!  What was an idea stolen from the people of a little place called “Georgia,” found its way to Brooklyn and is now making its way directly into Manhattan around the Park Ave area.

“Newish” dumpsters were cleaned out, lined with plastic, and have  filtration systems added to them.  Add a little water and (please God) some chemicals and, PRESTO, you have yourself a swimming pool for all the sketchiest of people in NYC to swim in.  In a rented hidden lot in Brooklyn, three connected dumpsters had been filled with water and to finish things off a boccie court, lounge chairs, grills, and cabanas had been added and was cooling its people off for weeks.

Since that was so successful last year, this year Dumpster Pools are being added to the east side of Park Ave between 40th and 41st Streets.  The dumpster pools are encircled by a metal deck, changing rooms, and portable showers and toilets.  Why bother going in the pool?  Just pee directly on me.  These pools will be open from 7am to 1pm, prime walking and slurring time for the homeless.

So next time you’re digging in a rusted out dumpster looking for the Olsen Twins, just think, “I could be swimming in there with them right now!”  You got it dude!

Jersey Shore Season Finale Recap: See You July 29th, America’s Birthday I Believe.

Well folks it’s the last repeat recap you’re going to have to read for a little while because the new season of Jersey Shore starts up on July 29th.  Seriously, thank God.  I almost bought a book at the book…shop (?) the other day and was like, wait a second what am I doing?!  I threw the book down, ran out of the book…market (?), and came home to set my DVR for the new season.  Anypitstains, here’s what went down on the season finale of Jersey Shore (season 1 of 202):

Today is a highly emotional day around the corporate headquarters of IBBB, as we bid farewell to Jersey Shore.  It’s times like this I scream up to the heavens, “Why God?  Why do you put good things in our life just to take them away from us!?”  It’s too soon.   It’s. Just. Too. Soon.  I would like to start this Jersey Shore recap the same way I would like to end it, with touching songs.  The first is to the tune of “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” by REO Speedwagon.  Please, all, sing along with me.

And even as I wonder,
I’m waiting for a fight,
You’re a Dep bottle in the window,
On a cold, dark winters night.
And JWOWW’s weave really gives me such a friiiiight.

And I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her foooooor,
It’s time to say goodbye to the Jersey Shore,
And throw away the bronzer, forever.

Cuz I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her fooooooor,
And if you call The Situation a bore,
Ronnie will punch you through the door,
Snooki, I can’t fight this feeling anymore.

On to the Jersey Shore Season Finale Recap:

• Oh yeah I totally forgot that Ronnie was arrested for knocking out the Boardwalk Heckler in “one shot, one shot kid.”  I guess after you see so many fights they all start to just merge into one distant memory…kinda like Angelina.
• Sammi SweatStains and Snooki and Snooki’s corset are all freaking out back at the house about what to do to get Ronnie out of jail.  Whilst munching on a rice cake, Snooki in a Snooki-like panic asks if she should call 911 because, you know, that’s what they’re there for.  Sammi is whining that she doesn’t know what to do because she’s never been in this situation before.  Really?  Never?  Not even, like, the other day?  Or last week?  Or last month?  Or the entire summer last year?  Or with her dad in 1999?  Fine.  I “believe” you.
• Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is in bed with Danielle the Israeli stalker while Vinny and his eyebrows fill them in on what happened to Ronnie.  Classic Danielle responds by saying, “they’re acting like Israeli’s right now.”  Really?  I didn’t see anyone ducking behind a rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street throwing rocks at the other person who was ducking behind another rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street.  Did you?

Read the rest of the Jersey Shore season finale recap here.

IBBB’s Interview With Kim G….

….come back tomorrow to check it out.  Good times all around.  Good times!

Jersey Shore Recap: Pauly D Has an Israeli Stalker. Neat.

I’m fist pumping like a maniac who has a contact high from excessive Drakkar Noir usage over the Jersey Shore Season 2 Preview from the other day.  In the meantime, we’ll have to settle for last nights repeat of The Shore.  Here’s what went down with Pauly D and his Israeli stalker.  Memories….

• If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this show, it’s never to tell anyone that you want to have a family meeting.  10 minutes of my life can never be retrieved thanks to Snooki wanting to have a family meeting to discuss Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie Stumpy spending too much time together.  We all learn that little Snook was just taking smack out of her poof and no one, including all of America, cares if Sammi and Ronnie isolate themselves from the rest of the group.  I would like to know, however, why Sammi looks decent during the show scenes, but when it’s time for her “interview” in front of the green-screen she looks like someone turned the heat up to 108 degrees and then poured baby oil over her head and then slipped her 6 Ambien.  I mean, she doesn’t look as bad as JWoww ShamWow during her interviews because ShamWow looks like she has no clue she’s even on TV at that point.

Click Here to Read the Rest of The Recap!

Jersey Shore Recap: The One With the GTL

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Repeats of The Jersey Shore = Recaps on The IBBB.  That’s how math works.  Sort of.  Walk down Teasing Comb Lane with me and let’s see what the Douche-Bag-Brigade was up to on the GTL crapisode of Jersey Shore:

• We kick things off with a lesson on how to make a Guido.  It’s simple actually.  All you need to do is follow the GTL Rule.  What does GTL stand for, you ask?  Why it stand for Gym, Tanning, Laundry, but of course!  Vinny, who apparently is still on this show, informs us that every single day the guys go to the gym, go tanning, and do their laundry.  I assume the laundry is done every day due to gel drips and sweat pit stains.  Grandpa Situation even teaches us the importance of GTL and how it equates to a good night, but I lose the lesson as I become hypnotized by his peanut head and try to figure out if it’s smaller this week than last.  It is.  He is the Beettlejuice of our generation.

Click Here to Read the Rest of the Jersey Shore Recap!

Why is Phillip Banks Handcuffing James Lipton All While Norm from Cheers Does Nothing?!

I don’t know why either.

Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki’s Mouth Stops Working

Let’s take another AquaNet’d stroll down trash bag lane since MTV is replaying episodes of Jersey Shore every Thursday night.  Sure we’ve seen them 1,503 times, but one more won’t hurt, will it?  Will it?  It won’t right?  Right?  Fine, let’s try it anyway.  Let’s see what went down on last nights repeat of Jersey Shore:

• This crapisode picks right up where we left off two weeks ago, with Snooki laying on the floor of the bar with her Ed Hardy trucker hat directly beside her after she got punched in the mouth by, who I can only assume is, the kid who played DJ on “Roseanne.”  I must admit it was nice seeing everyone go after the guy who punched Snooki (Brad Ferro), but I began to scratch my chin when it looked like a rabid skunk was also throwing punches.  It wasn’t.  It was JWoww ShamWow.  I found myself yelling at the TV, “Someone Snooki punch that skunk off of JWoww’s head!”  I hate when the TV doesn’t yell back.

Read the rest of the Jersey Shore Recap Here!

Obviously There’s Gotta Be Somethin’ Else…

Well, well, well.  Now I may not be good with “the numbers” and “the math” but something isn’t quite adding up to me.  The New York Post is claiming that Real Houswife of New York City, Teresa Giudice and her husband, Mr Barney Rubble, owe upwards of $11 million in debt.  That kind of money is enough to make Teresa’s hairline start running from her eyebrows!  According to some drunken court documents here’s what Teresa and her husband are claiming.  Please note it’s important that you swallow all liquids and food prior to reading these claims:

ω Teresa and Joe only make $79,000 a year/combined salary
ω Teresa owes $20,000 in credit card payments
ω The bank has moved to foreclose on their $1.8 million new home
ω Teresa and Joe defaulted on their $1,280/month Cadillac payment
ω The bank has taken their $279,000 Jersey Shore vacation house
ω They owe $1 million for another property in New Jersey
ω Joe lists his monthly income as $3,250 and Teresa makes $3,333 per month filming the show
ω The couple gets $10,000 in “monthly assistance” from family members
ω In the end they owe almost $11 million

Seriously I don’t know if any of these numbers add up and where to carry the “1″ and leave with a remainder of “2″ but I think it’s comical that Joe and Teresa only make $79,000 per year and own millions of dollars in homes, cars, and makeup for Gia. I suggest selling a couple of their kids on eBay.  And if and when Joe has to serve time in jail I’d like to personally be there to tell him he’s going to have to live in the “ugly” jail cell whilst Bubba tries his hardest to impregnate him like he does to “Tre.”

Jersey Shore Recap: Pickle Lickin’ Snooki Drunk Dances While Angelina Packs Her Trash Bags

If you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you!  Let’s walk down trash bag lane and experience the 2nd episode of Jersey Shore and learn what the d-bag brigade was up to.   Here’s a little sneak peak.  Click on the link at the end to read the full recap:

• Snooki Time!  Snooki is looking to get a little greasy Guido loving from someone, anyone in fact. If you put some gold chains and an Ed Hardy T-shirt on a plant, she’d f*ck it.  So she puts on every Guidette prop that she can find: hot pink trucker hat that says “Pornstar in Training,” clear sunglasses, tight black wifebeater that hugs her FUPA in all the right places, and a pickle.  Yes, a pickle.  Snooki  licks and sucks a pickle whilst chatting with her housemates.  She even informs us that she eats a pickle in a “specific way.”  That way, you ask?  Well, she sucks the juice out first and then eats the rest of the pickle.  Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!  Looks like someone can now add an additional bullet point to their resume!!!!

Click Here to Read the Rest of the Jersey Shore Recap!

Jersey Shore Recap: If You Haven’t Met Snooki, She’s New to You!

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MTV is running the first season of Jersey Shore like no one has ever seen it or heard about it before.  That’s great for me as I recapped all the episodes so, like NBC’s marketing campaign in the summer of 1998, “If you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you!”  So let’s walk down memory lane and check out exactly what was going on with Grandpa Situation, Snooki, Sammi SweatStains, DJ Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Angelina and her Trash Bags, Vinny Pink Eye, and Ronnie No Nickname.

Click on the link below to reacquaint yourself with The Jersey Shore.  Bring your AquaNet!

<<Jersey Shore Recap!>>

Attention Young Girls of America! Get Pregnant. It Works Out Way Better Than You Thought!

Safe sex, shmafe sex!  Just think, if you are around 16 years old and not married (sorry Mississippi residents) then you should get on the fast track to motherhood because, let’s face it, it can really start to pay off.  Sure you’ll be a little embarrassed at first, but next thing you know MTV is banging down your bedroom door to see if you want to be in their new reality show, you then become faux-famous, then you get a spinoff show, then you’ll do a reunion special, then you get a book deal, and then you end up standing next to Bristol Palin at ” The Candie’s Foundation 6th Annual ‘Event to Prevent’ Benefit” in New York City!  I’m sure all expenses were paid.  And what are they talking about “prevent?”  Prevent what?  Success?  Endorsements?  Riches?  No thanks.  Bring on the anti-prevention.  It worked for Maci Bookout and it can work for you.  At least think about it.  My advice would be to write to MTV, see if they’ll choose you to be on “16 and Pregnant” and then if they do, start having a ton of unprotected sex.  Like, a lot of it.  Good luck!  And remember, I get 10% of all your fame and fortune for being a teen mom and over night success.  Best wishes.

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Fun Thoughts with The News

I didn’t need science to prove this as I have a little show I like to call “The Hills” and a little character I like to call “Spencer Pratt.”  Here’s to all the neanderthals that made it!

No More Sleeps!

I went to bed extra early last night so that I could wake up and it would be The Hills and The City day!  I also call this “Kill Yourself Day” for obvious reasons.  As you may or may not know from the 3 day Hills marathon that MTV played over the weekend, The Hills and The City start up their new seasons tonight starting at 10pm on MTV and, sadly, I will be back to recapping the ever loving piss out of these shows.  And don’t pretend that you’re over The Hills (waaaah) because you know you’re watching especially since it’s the last season ever….in the history of The Hills….and the world!

Check back tomorrow for the recap.  Laugh, cry, do poop!  It’ll be great*

*terrible