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Big Brother 12 Recap: I Vote to Evict…..Myself from Planet Earth.

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Well it’s time for another live eviction, so that can only mean one thing.  Julie Chen gets to seduce me with her sexy teleprompter reading and her button pressing to talk to the house-guests.  Fine that was two things.  Here’s what went down last night on ¡Grande Hermano!

• Everyone is fake confused because Yom Kippur Kenny told Brendon and Knockers del Toro that he’s gunning for them….but please still use the veto on him.  Knockers seems pissed.  You can tell because her rack attack fizzled like a balloon that has a slow leak.
• I just yelled “shut. the. f. up” at my TV when Brendon called Knockers del Toro “baby.”  Seriously?  Baby?  Really?  You’re on a game show.  You were dressed like a human hot dog 3 weeks ago.  Get a grip.  See what not having the ability to provide “self release” can do to someone?
• Is Matt a midget?  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m so sick of people who are abnormally short and try to pretend they’re not technically a midget.  It’s like, own it Vern.  Although, tonight Matt has slicked his bangs up as high as the heavens which, when trying to clear security at the airport, would be considered a weapon.
• Every time Brendon and Knockers share an intimate moment, which seems to happen on the regular, Big Brother starts playing this cheesy background music.  I’m pretty certain it’s Julie Chen on guitar but still, enough.
• Oh great, just when I’m about to tee off on Kathy’s spider upper and lower eye lashes, she breaks the news that she’s broke, had cancer, and needs to secure her sons future in case she doesn’t make it.  Great, thanks Kathy.  Now I have to wait an entire week before making fun.  That’s my rule.  Also, I just made that rule up.  I may break it.
• Andrew is crying and sticking his fingers up his nose with a tissue (which still counts as “nose picking”) because he doesn’t have any friends in the house and he has no one to talk to.  Um, maybe it’s his nose picking that keeps people at arms length?  It’s a toss up.  Regardless, he pitches a b*tch-fit and tells Kathy and some other chick (who I didn’t even know was on the show until tonight) to “stop playing him like a fiddle.”  I hate that saying.  It makes fiddle playing sound so easy, but I bet you it’s hard.  Like, really hard.  Like as hard as Knockers del Toro’s knockers (del toro).
• Why is Julie Chen wearing white?  We all know she does filthy boom boom.  She was pregnant last season.  You’re not fooling anyone Chen.  Not anyone!  Well, me a little, but I doubt anyone else.
• Is Knockers not on slop this week?  She looks like she packed on a couple.  Maybe she’s “with child?”  That would be awesome.  Either way she looks like she needs a bath and definitely leaves a ring around the tub.
• Chen is now making fun of Enzo’s accent.  Well if that isn’t the robot calling the kettle guido, I don’t know what is.
• So, um, Matt’s wife does porn.  I’m kidding, I’m sure she doesn’t do it professionally, but I’m sure there’s an amateur video somewhere online.  I love when they have little interviews from loved ones of cast members.  There really is a lid for every pot.
• Julie Chen is now chatting with Matt and his mile-high-bangs.  He’s the worst.  His fidgeting and hand gestures freak me out.  He must work in the IT department, yes?
• Kathy is now giving her “please vote for me” speech.  She knows she’s not getting the electric chair if she loses, right?  No really, does she know this?  She’s telling us about the church and her grand mammy and grand pappy and I am very puzzled.
• In what I thought was going to be Snoozefest ‘10, Andrew’s speech was awesome.  I mean, he was talking as fast as the Micro-Machines guy, but it was great.  He called out Kristin and Hayden for having secret sex and then he told the rest of the house everything that Kristin and Hayden have said about them.  I thought Kathy looked shocked listening to all this, but then quickly realized she must keep her eyes like that as not to have her upper and lower eyelashes tangle.
• Everyone seems to be voting to evict Andrew.  I’d sue for antisemitism if I were him.  I mean, I’m not sure if you can do that, but why the hell not.  I’d also sue Julie Chen for boring a nation, but that’s just me.  Perhaps you’d have your own lawsuits to deal with.
• I vote to evict…Sandy Duncan, for reasons that only she knows.
• Andrew gets the boot and Julie Chen basically tells him he was a sucky player by questioning every move that he made during the game.  It’s like, keep it in your pants Chen.
• I love the “goodbye messages.”  Well, I loved them until Knocker del Toro started sassing it up by saying things like, “ain’t no one gonna come between me and my man.”  She is a horrific, horrific person. More importantly I think a future twist is that she actually is 80’s pop singer Tiffany.  You’ll thank me later.
• In the end it was time for the HOH competition and it went, well, exactly how I thought it would.  Knockers is swearing and getting muted out and Julie has to tell her to keep it clean, everyone seems pissed off in general, and Julie just called it “Cinco de Mayo” but she pronounced it Mayo like short for “mayonnaise.”  Ole!
• Knockers del Toro won the HOH and is shaking and crying, as am I.  Kill yourself.

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Big Brother 12 Recap: Well, That Was Fast.

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Well it’s time for another episode of Big Brother.  I thought this was on for the past 5 days straight so it only makes sense that it’s on again tonight.  But tonight is a special night, boys and girls.  It’s the night when someone gets executed on live television!  Oh.  They just get evicted?  I thought executed.  Eh, I’ll still give it a shot.  Here’s what went down last night on ¡Grande Hermano!

• Spoiler Alert:  Julie Chen is dressed like a 1990’s “In Living Color” fly-girl.  I don’t know why she needs those straps.  Her little-boy-breasts aren’t going anywhere, nor would CBS need to blur anything out.
• Annie is all pissed off that she’s up “on the block.”  You know who’s never pissed to be on the block? Jenny.  She’s just, she’s just Jenny from the block.
• Enzo and Matt are all hi-fiving over the fact that they think Annie is going home. Enzo is sporting his “designer shades” and scally-cap all whilst indoors.  You know who Enzo 100% is?  Remember that dude from “True Life: I’m Getting Married.”  Remember the guy who was getting married to the chick with the huge boobs and huger lips?  Yeah, him.  I’m waiting for him to start freaking out and telling Matt that he’s going to gut him like a fish.  Moving on.
• Knockers del Toro and Brendon are all making out under the STD-soaked black blanket, when all of a sudden he brings up Annie.  Not “Little Orphan” just so we’re clear.  I mean he could be talking about Little Orphan Annie for all I know.  I can barely keep up with this crapisode.  Anysunwillcomeouttomorrow, Knockers del Toro is pissed that he’s bring her up when she’s trying to get her syphilis down his throat.  Next thing you know, Brendon is all “sad” and half “weepy” because Knockers is making him feel stupid.  Seriously, is that possible?  That’s like Gary Coleman making someone feel short.  Oh screw you, it’s never too soon.  God rest his rotting pint-size corpse.  Oh, and then Brendon tells Knockers del Toro that he just wants her to “hug him” and tell him everything is going to be ok.  Seriously dude, seriously?  You know you just said that.  And you know you’re on television, right?  I think I even saw Knockers knockers giggle a bit.
• Oh man.  CBS must be PIIIIIISSSSSSED!  Their whole plan of the “saboteur” twist all summer long has come to a close because the sabateur is (spoiler alert) Little Orphan Annie.  Well looks like she’s getting adopted kicked out of the house this week so, well, that was a fast twist.  I think their new theme is going from “expect the unexpected” to “eh, just expect the expected.”  Julie is going to be so busssssy blowing sponsors now!
• Since Little Orphan is on her way out, she’s throwing everyone under the bus, especially Brendon.  She’s telling everyone his “big secret” which is…he’s a scientist.  Oh no!  He’ll never win now!  Kill yourself.
• Who are these people who sit in the live “audience” during Big Brother?  What are they even watching?  They basically have to sit there and listen to Chen rattle off “emotion” and stare at her flat ass. Fine, where do I get cast?
• I love when Julie talks to the houseguests live and she has to press her little Jeopardy clicker so that they can all hear each other.  I’ll take “Douche-Bag Contestants” for $600.  Bing!  Julie starts off talking to Enzo about him and his mother have sex with each other and introducing foods into their marital bed.  I have no idea.  At one point Enzo compares slop to his ex-girlfriends and Julie says she wants meet these women (lesbian). I’m sure she can find them on Myspace.  They’re the girls with the gliteratti images of Tinkerbell drinking a Cosmo and kicking her leg while Playboy bunny logos fall like rain in the background.  Then your computer freezes.
• I vote to evict….I love this part for so many reasons.  First off, if I were on the show and I knew it was live I would F with Julie so bad.  I’d be like, “I vote…to evict….um, Suzie?  Jo-Jo?  Angie?  Julie, which is the one with the red hair?  Julie, can you hear me?  Julie??”  I also love this part because this is the part where some of the contestants give special secret gestures for their loved ones at home.  This usually consists of people giving “I love you” signs by pointing to their eye, their heart, and then out to the camera.  Original.  Again…if it were me?  I’d wiggle my tongue through my fingers, move my eyebrows up and down, and yell, “Hey Julie, you like this? Ow!”  But that’s just me. Perhaps you’d have your own special message.
• What “symbols” is Matt doing?  Gang?  Seriously, is that dude having a seizure?  They should have gone right to commercial.
• Everyone votes to evict Little Orphan Annie, including Sandy, Grace Farrell, Punjab, the Asp, Daddy Warbucks, Mr. Bundles, Pepper, and Ms Hannigan.  All of them did.  They must have been in an alliance.
• Sidenote, why does Hayden always yell when he’s in his 1 on 1 interview?  It’s like, Christ use your indoor voice, Shaggy.
• Peace out Orphan because it’s time for the HOH.  Like my friend Janine once said, “No one wants to adopt you, firecrotch!”
• I love the HOH too, especially when Julie has to yell at people to “reset.”  Brendon gets his answer wrong and starts walking away and Chen is spitting and hissing, “Brendon reset, everybody reset.”  Friggin relax, Julie, I’m the only person in North America watching this sh*t and it’s not bothering me.
• In the end we have a three-way tie which means that everyone has to take out their chalkboards and guess how many gallons of caramel were used in the pool during one of the competitions because, you know, that’s enough to make for a good television show.  Similar to Julie’s “RESET” tirade, she also gets into a “I need your answer.  I need it.  I’m going to need your answer right now.  Now.  Rachel, now.  Now or you’re disqualified.”  Poor Britney doesn’t even know how to hold chalk and, well, who in the hell is Monet?   Did she just join the show 15 minutes ago?  Well clearly she’s a genius because she guess their was 725 gallons of caramel in the kiddie pool and the real answer was 330 so Knockers del Toro wins it all!  Congratulations and by that I mean, “I’m going to bed.”

Until next time.

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Big Brother 12 Recap: Stop Saying “Saboteur.”

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Well everyone, it’s that time of year when Big Brother comes back to “the television” to remind me the lack of life I have.  Big Brother doesn’t remind me this just one day per week.  Oh, no no.  Never. Ever.  Big Brother decides to remind me this 3 days a week!  It’s like a friendly, yet forceful, kick to the nuts on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday.  No need to set the Tivo, I’m home.

• It’s tough to recap Big Brother, especially at the beginning.  I have hard time remembering peoples names.  I usually refer to them as Douche # 1, Douche # 2, Douche # 3, etc.  This time around, however, I will break that cycle thanks to a little red-head I like to call “Knockers del Toro.”  Seriously, Knockers del Toro looks like she’s about to topple over.  She kinda has that opposite Weeble thing going on.  Oh, and she’s a chemist too.  Perhaps she can light her Bunsen Burner with her fire crotch?  Perhaps time will tell.

• Other people I remember include and are limited to: Enzo.  That was an easy one.  As soon as I hear the name I had my doctor pull out my sleep induced Demerol because as soon as I heard that name I thought it was that little sh*t from The Hills.   I was like, “Is there no height requirement to ride this ride?”  Enzo from Big Brother and Enzo from The Hills are very different people.  First of all they have different DNA (duh) and fifteenth of all Enzo from Big Brother has much less hair than little Enzo from The Hills.  Like, much less.  Much,  much.  To sum it up he looks like my sisters Burt and Ernie stuffed animal from when we were little and I cut most of his hair off with my left-handed Crayola scissors because I thought it would grow back.  Yeah, like that. Other interesting facts include Enzo being from New Jersey, liking meatballs, and more than likely having intercourse with his mother.

• There’s a bunch of other people too, but I can’t. I can’t and I won’t.  One kid has all his hair brushed in front of his face like that God-for-saken Justin Beiber.  He looks like he’s drowning in hair.  One girl I’m just going to nickname “Bricks” right now because she’s as dumb as a pile of them.  One guy loves being Jewish and mentions it about 15 times in the first 20 seconds (Jesus is going to be piiiiisssssed when He finds out!).  Oh, and then there’s other people too.  Yawnski!

• I must admit it’s nice to see Julie Chen back.  Blah, I’m lying already.  At least she lost all the baby weight.  Another lie.  She seems more lively this year?  Fib.  She’s wearing the traditional color of the street-walker?  Ding, ding, ding!  That’s the truth.  She has on as much red as she could tear away from the hooker selling meth and “her mouth” on the corner.

• Everyone is sitting around and introducing themselves.  Everyone seems to have the same strategy which is “Lie about what I do for a living.”  However they kind of miss the point of this.  One guy is a podiatrist and is like, “Hi, I’m a schmadiatrist.”  Some other dude is a Communications Professor, but I believe he tells everyone he is a Communications Student.  Ohhhh tricky.  You’re a shoe-in to win now!  Kill yourself.  Me first though.

• We’ve already learned the first major twist of the season.  Someone is the “Saboteur.”  Let me type that like Julie Chen says it.  Sab-O-teur.  Tuer.  TEUR! It’s like enough already, Julie, we get it.  You’re Asian-French-Canadian.  Happy Boxing Day.  Have a spring roll.  Yeesh, enough with this one.  Sabotuer. WHO isthe Sab-O-teur?  WHOisthe Saboteur? WHOistheSab….O……TEUR? Perhaps it’s….Louis….Pasteur.  All done.  I don’t care who it is.  I vote that it’s Knockers del Toro.  Does she leave the island now?  What number do I call?  Where  and what do I text and to whom? When can I phone a friend?  When is the Idol Gives Back episode?  Who’s the weakest link?  Am I still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model? I choose case # 7.  I can name that tune in 5 notes.  What is “The Potomac River?”  I’m sorry your journey ends here.  Vowel?  E.  Is Julie Chen the Mole?  I’ll take the physical challenge.

• I have no idea what order I’m going in right now but I’m having a God-damn good time.  The two phrases that really stand out to me this episode and help explain why the terrorists are willing to set their ding-dings on fire in an airplane just to kill innocent Americans occurs when Knockers del Toro is talking about the Jewish dude during her one-on-one interview and how he wears a Yamaka (is that how you spell it?) but instead she says, “He’s wearing a Yom Kippur.  That’s, I believe, what it’s called.”  Oh yeah, Knockers del Toro?  Well “I believe” in an old obese man with a white beard named Santa, but guess what?  Yeah you know how that ends.

• The next “interesting” line was from “Bricks.”  Although in all fairness Knockers del Toro could totally be “Bricks” too.  I’ll decide as the season progresses.  Anyway, Bricks says “The second that man opened his mouth I knew we would be best friends.  He’s a flaming homosexual.”  Good for her, I guess.  I’m sure Bricks’ dad taught her to talk like that, you know, when his tongue wasn’t shoved down her throat.  Ahh, “the South.”

• Well it has been about 25 minutes so it only makes sense that one guy is dressed up as a hot dog and the rest of the cast has to jump on a giant slippery hot dog and sail across a giant pit to the other side all while ketchup and mustard is being sprayed on them.  Knockers del Toro loves making hot dog jokes.  I’m surprised she didn’t try to sail across by deep-throating the whole thing and having the other half come out of her arse.  Oh wait, no one else thought that?  People are falling off the hot dog left and right.  After about 10 minutes of watching what I can only assume has turned into a Japanese game show, Bricks falls off the hot dog basically into a pit of feathers and starts screaming that her knee hurts.  The dude that’s the podiatrist said he had a hard time not helping her because he’s a “doctor” and no one knows that.  Um, you’re a podiatrist.  She hurt her knee.  I’m sure if she wanted a pedicure she would have called out to you.  Now stand there in your hot dog suit, shut your mouth, and straighten out your Yom Kippur…just like it’s all stated in the Bible.

• In the end someone wins the hot dog event.  I have no idea.  I was contemplating taking a bath with my toaster at this point.

• When the whole group is back inside the lights go out and everyone thinks the Sab-O-teur is on the loose.  When the lights go back on the door to the food closet is locked and Max Headroom comes on the screen to deliver them a message.  I couldn’t understand anything it said.  The only word I could understand was “Saboteur.”  Wait a second, maybe I’m the Saboteur?  I assumed Julie Chen was talking directly to me this whole time anyway.

• It’s going to be a long hard summer.  Just like my…shut-yo-mouf!

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Who Won Big Brother 10?

In case the 4 people who watch Big Brother happened to miss who won the $500,000, let me catch you up on that. Dan, the teacher from Dearborn, Mich beat out Memphis, the “mixologist” from Hollywood. Every sick-son-of-a-bitch in the jury house actually voted for Dan. Followers! Personally, I would have voted for Julie Chen’s leather pants. But that’s just me. You may have not voted for her pants. The “Viewers Choice” to give someone in the jury $25,000 went to Keesha.

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Anyone Out There Still Watching Big Brother?