What ever happened to the good old days of just standing their and yelling, “Cheeeeese!” It was a simpler time. Now, Beyonce is biting her finger and raising her hand up in the air all whilst crossing her legs. And don’t give me the bullsh*t that she’s playing that ridiculous “Sasha Fierce” character. Yeah, no, it’s not a character. That’s actually called “Multiple Personality Disorder.” Own it. Remember when Garth Brooks pull this crap? Yeah, where is he today?

Beyonce and her magical gloves of horror attended the European MTV Music Awards where she is supposed to perform a few songs for the rotten-toothed audience. Unless she’s belting out “Say My Name” or “No, No, No, No No” I’m not overly interested.

Yowza! I’m a grump machine today!

www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack

Wow. Due to hard economic times, we haven’t been able to play the “ImBringingBloggingBack Cameltoe Rating System….to the Stars!” Well, thanks to Beyonce and the bailout, we now can. As you know, IBBB rates the level of cameltoeocity and will award up to 5 camels. Ooooo! Ohhhhh! Ahhhhhh! I know.

Thanks to this being a historic election and Beyonce pouring herself into the jeans, for the first time in a long long time (perhaps ever…I’m too lazy to go back and check) I am awarding Beyonce 5 camels out of 5 camels. Congratulations Beyonce! This must be quite the honor.

Beyonce, Jay Z, Mary J Blige, and an array of others were doing their part to get people to vote the other day….even if it took Beyonce speaking out of her camel. It was allllll worth it!

www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack

Over in Japan, Beyonce and her sister are like freakin’ King Kong and Godzilla. I’m surprised they didn’t enter the stage by crashing through the wall and picking up the tiny Japanese paparazzi. Anychild, King Kong and Godzilla attended the Eight Million Ginza Gates store opening in Japan over the weekend. I’m almost positive that “Ginza” is Japanese for “multiple car crashes.”

Beyonce and Solange were photographed holding purses and sporting abnormally large hair and outfits that you totally know their mother, Tina Knowles, was sewing on the private jet on their way to Japan.

Seriously they love this crap. I wonder if they like bloggers? I feel like I could completely score myself an energy drink commercial or something over there. I may update my passport and just check it out for myself.

www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack

I was listening to that little minx, Rihanna, the other day and all of a sudden I got very reminiscent of Beyonce during her “Irreplaceable” days. The song in question is “Take a Bow” by Rihanna. Ok look, it’s catchy (as is crabs) but so was Irreplaceable until you actually listen to the words. Rihanna suffers from what Beyonce had and clearly is “sing dumping” someone. Here are some of the words:

How ’bout a round of applause, standing ovation.

You look so dumb right now, standing outside my house.

Trying to apologize, you’re so ugly when you cry.

Please, just cut it out.

And don’t tell me you’re sorry cuz you’re not.

And baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught.

But you put on quite a show, really had me going.

But now it’s time to go, curtain’s finally closing

That was quite a show, very entertaining.

But it’s over now.

Go on an take a bow.

Grab your clothes and get gone,

Better hurry up, before the sprinklers come on.

Ok so you get the point. This, like Beyonce sing dumping me during Irreplaceable, really starts to confuse me. Fine, I get that you’re dumping me, but you don’t have to call me ugly just because I’m crying. And I mean, I may look dumb but that’s because I’m standing outside your house, but you’re the one who told me to start the round of applause. I’m standing here and clapping and crying and there’s this curtain closing on me and I’m trying to grab my clothes because the sprinklers are soaking me. How good do you think you would look if you were trying to do all these things at the same time!?

Anyway, I’ve been dumped before but, again, never by being sung to. I really truly think I’d like it. I’d feel better about it and as I’m packing up my crap I’d have something to dance to. It’s a real win-win, in my eyes.

Oh snap! Oh no you just did not! Similar to the rule of Oprah, don’t ever sass Aretha, especially when she’s just coming off a diet. So I guess Aretha’s leather thong is shoved to far up her Immaculate ass because she is not too happy with Beyonce and the Grammy’s overall. Here’s what went down (minus the food) after Beyonce introduced Tina Turner/Tina Knowles as “the queen. Aretha said, “I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé. However, I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy.”

First off, please don’t use “stepping on someones toes” lightly. If that actually we to happen the person whose toes were stepped on by Aretha would probably need their foot amputated and replaced with a wooden peg. Second of all, huh? Third, my eyes were the ones that were bruised when I was forced to watch Aretha sing gospel with her boobs not only hanging down to the ground, but swinging around like props from Cirque du Soleil.

While Beyonce couldn’t be reached for comment, her father/lover could and here’s what Matthew Knowles had to say: “Beyonce referred to Tina Turner as a queen. Not queen of gospel, queen of soul, queen of blues, Queen of England. I consider my wife a queen and sometimes call her that. Does Aretha have a problem with that?”

Ouch. Get ready for the smackdown Matty. Oh, and my money is on Aretha. And I hear she doesn’t use her boobs or ass as a weapon. Nope. She uses one of her many chins. Geesh just give her a hug and a hoagie and let’s call it a day.

Source It Up!

Let’s face it, the Grammy Awards typically crap the bed and this year was no different, except for the fact that this year I was looking forward to seeing Beyonce and Tina Turner sing together…..not because I’m a big fan or anything, but because I’ve been saying for years that Beyonce’s mother is actually Tina Turner and not Tina Knowles. Now I’m convinced more than ever that Tina Knowles and Tina Turner are the same person, kinda like that episode of the Brady Bunch when Peter had to play two different people. I think that was also the season when they introduced Cousin Oliver (the jinks), but I digress.

Anyway, if you saw it, you noticed that Beyonce took the stage first and forgot to wear her pants. This was looking ok until she sat on that chair and then sorta looked like that fat little girl that you always had to invite to your pool party and she’d sit on your picnic table and get chlorine water all over the pizza. Anyway, that’s what she looked like to me.

Next up, Tina Turner/Tina Knowles came out and sang up a storm. Then Beyonce came back out so they could not only sing “Proud Mary,” but also so they could show a side-by-side comparison of Beyonce’s legs vs. Tina Turners 68 year old legs. Oh, and Tina won for having better and thinner legs. Nice work Beyonce. Tina may have looked like she was wearing one of those old fashion trash cans around her waist and wrapped aluminum foil around her legs, but she was still looking better than Beyonce. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to throw her on the grill or give her the oil can. Regardless, the performance was a success even when it looked like Beyonce pushed Tina once or twice. Pushing a senior citizen isn’t that big of a deal. It isn’t, right? Oh well, to the left, to the left.

As a wise song once said, “You can say no, no, no, no, no, when it’s really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” Well I want to hear more brilliant lyrics like that and I know the world does too and by “world” I mean a couple of my friends. Kelly Rowland, one of the singers that didn’t get fired from the group Destiny’s Child, is hinting around that she wants the group to get back together. In other words, she needs a little extra cash. And who can blame her. When asked about the Spice Girls reunion tour, Kelly babbled on saying:

“This current spate of reunions has given us ideas. Despite what people say we are all still really close. A couple of weeks ago Beyonce did a show in Los Angeles and asked me and Michelle (Williams) to join her on stage for Survivor. It was a real tearjerker. The fans were crying and going nuts. I’d definitely like us to do more stuff like that. As ever, Beyonce and I will spend Christmas Day together. It will be a real family affair.

Yes, Kelly, you will be joining Beyonce for Christmas Day, but I would double check your plans because I believe that Beyonce has hired you for service. Probably clean up and food prep. Eh, it’s not that bad. At least you’ll get to work in a mansion and rub elbows and mustaches with Tina Knowles.

I’ll be waiting for the announcement of a Destiny’s Child reunion. In honor of that I will play “Say My Name, Say My Name” on repeat in my CD player and will sing “Bootylicious” to every fatass that I see on the street. You’re welcome Kelly, you’re welcome.

Who Claims This!?

It’s time for another look into the past year of IBBB and experience “This Time Last Year.” This time, we’re taking a look at Beyonce and how she’s mastered “sing-dumping” us and what that crazy little skank was up to “This Time Last Year.” Here’s what me and Beyonce were up to:

Beyonce is so “sing dumping” your ass! Beyonce has a new song out, “Irreplaceable” which actually sounds nothing like a normal Beyonce song. I mean first, there are no sirens going off in the background, like in “Ring the Alarm” which always made me feel like we were under a major nuclear terrorist attack. I’ve been on code red since Ring the Alarm made it’s way onto the air. Her new song may sound different, but one thing remains the same; Beyonce is angry! I don’t know who is the angriest singer, Beyonce or Kelly Clarkson? What is there to be so angry at? You’re rich! Doesn’t money make everything better? Wait, it does doesn’t it? Beyonce has an art for what I like to call “Conversation Singing.” What “conversation singing” basically is is literally having a conversation with someone, but adding a beat to it. You’re going to have to get a little more creative than that Beyonce, besides just singing about your grocery list and breaking up with someone. Anyway, let’s look at a few sample lyrics from her new song:

To the left, to the left
To the left, to the left,
Everything you own in a box to the left.
In the closet that’s my stuff,
Yes if I bought it, baby, please don’t touch.
And keep talking that mess, that’s fine,
But could you walk and talk at the same time,
And yes that’s my name that’s on that Jag,
So remove your bags, let me call you a cab.

Seriously, the next time some girl dumps me I totally want her to do it by singing. Sure it will hurt a bit and I’ll be sad, but I think the beat of the song will really lift my spirits. And with the whole, “to the left, to the left” I would totally end up walking in circles around the apartment. And with the whole, “yes if I bought it, please don’t touch,” yeah thanks “mom.” My parents pulled that line on me when I was little and threatened to run away. I started to pack my things and they told me that they bought all that so I had to leave it behind. My parents were years beyond Beyonce! And “no” I can’t walk and talk at the same time because not only are you dumping my ass, but you’re singing and I can’t concentrate. I mean, do I go to the left or do I call a cab. It’s confusing! Anyway, the song is actually pretty good and will probably end up winning a Grammy and I’ll still be sitting here blogging. The rich keep getting richer and the assholes keep getting assholier (??).

Beyonce lets paparazzi know that she hasn’t had a stroke even though her shorts are up to her neck. Yes shorts. These aren’t for everyone Beyonce. I’d go with JayZ’s style of shorts next time. It’s more flattering. Just kidding, fat ass. In other news…

Remember when Whitney from “The Hills” slid down the stairs on Good Morning America? Yeah, well this is nothing like it. Beyonce was “in concert” and actually went head first down a flight of stairs on stage. Strangely, she got up and kept dancing like nothing ever happened. Perhaps the weave acts like a protective helmet? I’m not too sure how those things work. Anyway, of course this clip made it onto YouTube. The person who is filming this is clearly in the last row and the clip is a bit fuzzy, but you can see Beyonce clearly plunge to the bottom around 1 minute 40 seconds (ish). The reaction from the crowd is priceless.

Finally after over a year, one of life’s biggest mysteries has been solved. I know I’m supposed to go to the left, to the left, everything I own in a box to the left. But what exactly is “everything?” Now I know. It consists Hamburger Helper, Bush’s Baked Beans, some sweet corn in the can, sliced carrots, and what appears to be something by Betty Crocker.

Look I don’t care that the “to the left, to the left” joke is old. It’s very old, I know this. But, you mean to tell me that there is a photo of Beyonce holding a box to my left and I’m not supposed to say something? It’s my civic duty as an American. If I don’t say the joke the terrorists win and you don’t want that do you? Anyway, Beyonce was trying to keep a low profile while helping the homeless in Houston, but somehow a bunch of cameras and 25 foot microphones appeared. That always happens to me when I help the homeless. Ok, I don’t help the homeless, but if I did I know that would happen too. Bonus point for Beyonce showing some partial cameltoe to the homeless. Every little bit helps!

Beyonce looks less than thrilled to show support for her Destiny’s Child group member, Kelly Rowland, and her new album. Beyonce definitely has that “they made me wear this” look in her eyes. In other news…