More Mindless Stories on ‘audrina’
02
Teefs Pats Does FHM
Oh that Audrina! That chilly water really makes her teef pop! And I have to admit, stuffing Enzo into her bikini top really works for her. I mean, on Heidi it makes her look like two marbles trying to make it through a straw, but on Audrina is balances her out….and by “balances her out” I mean “makes me look at her dead eyes and teeth less. I’m still looking, but I’m looking less. Kinda like an eclipse. You’re not supposed to look directly at it, but you think you’re invincible so you quickly glance up just to make sure it’s there and you feel a lot better that you know it’s there. Kinda like that.
Teefs Pats did what she does best, sitting and/or standing in water with her rack hanging out, for FHM magazine. If we’re all very quiet right now you can almost hear Lauren Conrad shaving her mustache and stuffing her bra with the upper lip hair.
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16
Audrina Patridge and the Tale of the Dentist Trip
The Lucille Ball of our generation, Audrina Patridge (also known in some circles as “Teefs Pats” not to be confused with her sister “Tats Pats”) was showing off the good old beaver….teeth whist she left her dentist appointment right outside of Los Angeles yesterday. Personally I think she should have to pay a double co-pay for those chompers to be worked on. Is it weird that I can picture her laying down in the dentist chair with her mouth open and her eyes looking towards the ceiling? Of course it’s not weird because it’s the same way that Audrina looks while walking around town. She permanently looks like she’s in a dentist chair at all times. Ironically enough, Oddy is probably just as articulate when she has dentist tools in her mouth and the dentist is trying to ask her questions, as she is when someone is interviewing her for a magazine. The only thing that surprises me is at the end of the appointment when the dentist asks her to spit and Audrina doesn’t know how. I heard she’s a swallower. Hey oh! Wait, did I just write a “blind item?”
02
I Dream of Teefie?
Do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do do. Bum bum bum bum bum! Odd that Oddrina would skankify her Halloween costume. Audrina dressed as “I Dream of TeefieJeanie” as she hosted the “I Dream of Jeanie” Halloween party in Atlantic City. She’s such a good host. I’m pretty sure that in the first photo she’s saying to the paparazzi, “You guys, is this where my hips are??” In the second photo Audrina was instructed to wave and she did so, effortlessly. A true talent. The Lucille Ball of our generation.
27
With the Heat in LA, I’m Sure Heidi’s Outfit Smells Like the Basement of a Church
Ah yes, two of America’s sweethearts, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag, filmed scenes for an upcoming episode of this little show known as “The Hills” in LA yesterday. Audrina, playing the role of the beaver-toofed-dead-eyed whore stands and listens to Heidi as the cameras roll. I will only assume that Heidi is telling her that she is so desperate to have a baby that she’s now just walking the streets dressed like a whore and waiting for the dicks to magically appear and knock her up.
Why do I have a feeling that she got the leather pants and leather boots from the mother of the little boy who “lives” next door to Heidi and Spencer? Also, Heidi looks like an albino. Ok, that’ll be all.
I hope
12
There May Be a Problem When Audrina is the Fat One
Stephanie Pratt is apparently on day 100 of her “Tour of Anorexia.” You know there’s a bit of a problem in the food department when Audrina is now the fat one on the show. I mean, pull out Audrina’s two front teef and she appears to still weigh a good 25 pounds more than Stephanie. All in all they probably both weigh 110 pounds combined, but Oddrina better shine up her toof brush and start playing “puke, blah, and wahhh” over the toilet or Stephanie is going to really start showing her up!
Please note that IBBB does not promote playing “puke, blah, and wahhh” over the toilet. In fact, IBBB feels that women should get up to Oprah’s weight as I’m sure she will just make it mandatory at some point before the year is over. Perhaps a law.
05
Audrina, a National Treasure
Audrina Patridge, the Meryl Streep of our generation, was stopped by the papa-paparazzi on Sunset Boulevard over the weekend. Since Audrina is typically camera shy she decided to let the paps know that her rack was “this many months old.” She’s so precious. It was rumored that she did boom boom in her skinny jeans and spit up just moments later. I think she had too many lollipops before her nappy-nap. That gets ya every time.
11
Happy Belated Birthday, Audrina
Happy belated birthday, Audrina! I’m secretly hoping this is the face you’ll be using as you renew your drivers license. I’m also thinking of using it as my license photo.
If Audrina knows that she’s going to be photographed and, 9 times out of 10, she has that “look” in her eyes, why not just always look down at the ground or, perhaps, just start walking around on your hands so that your eyes go from “ceiling” to “basement.” These are just some ideas I have to help her.
Audrina held her rack up whilst walking out of Beso restaurant in LA over the weekend as she celebrated her birthday. I know we talked about this before, but whatever Oddy did to her face is really working and I hope that she just stops there. You see, Heidi could have been saved too if she had just stopped after nose was reworked, but, sadly, I wasn’t here to ask her to politely stop. Audrina, you’ll thank me later.
16
Teefs and Tats Night Out!
Me gusta when Teefs and Tats Patridge head out for a night on the town! To me, these two are like the sluttier and toothier Olsen Twins. Is that a word? Sluttier? It is. Toothier is too. I’m adding both to the dictionary…and the almanac…just because. Anydeadeyes, Teefs and Tats Pats were all beaver teeth, covered beaver, sleepy eyes, and awkward smiles at the premiere of “Into the Blue 2″ in sunny Los Angeles, CA. Audrina was sporting her best 8th grade graduation gown and her sister, Casey, made sure to show off her feminine tattoos. Do you ever think that the photographers get pissed at these two because they never know where they’re looking? As a sidenote there are thousands of actual actors out of work.
26
You Know How Toilets Flush Backwards in Australia?
So you know how toilets flush backwards in Australia than they do in the America of the United States of the America of the US? I wonder if Audrina’s ceiling eyes become more “basement eyes?” I feel like this is a great question. I hope that d-bag that’s with her (who isn’t Justin Bobby) is analyzing her eye situation. Doubtful though, since I’m pretty sure they’re doing the “I’m a little teapot” dance. Although, I kinda do wanna tip Audrina over and pour her out…..or whatever the lyrics are. I’m over it.
Audrina “Teefs” Patridge took an Australian harbor cruise in Walsh Bay just days before the MTV Australian Music Awards. Did you know she will be hosting the red carpet at the award show? What a treat for the viewers. I feel like she’s 4 steps behind the lifeless Kim Kardashian when she tries to interview people on the red carpet. Maybe she’ll hypnotize the viewers with her rack and teeth and nobody will be the wiser.
19
Audrina “Teefs” Patridge Gets Her Own Reality Show, World Implodes
Don’t call it a comeback, she’s been here for years. Stick some toothpicks in your eyes and breakout the teeth whitener because Teefs Pats has just scored her very own reality show with Mark Burnett Productions. Sweet! Just another reason for other countries to hate us!
Audrina’s show, which I hope will be called something catchy like: “Teef and Rack”, or “Canceled After 1 Episode,” will follow Audrina on her professional and personal life. Justin Bobby must be cutting himself some new jean shorts and spit-shinning his sparkly silver motorcycle helmet in anticipation of winning back Oddrina’s heart and becoming a reoccurring character on her show. I’m hoping this happens because I still own www.JustinBobby.com and, well, I don’t want that site to die….the domain is too good!
Audrina will be peacing out of The Hills after this season along with Lauren “Sprouts a Mustache” Conrad and has issued this statment, “I wanted to collaborate with the best possible team for my first big project after The Hills. Mark Burnett really understands my vision and I am excited about the concepts we’ve developed that will show people a different side of my life.”
Um, ok, so just to clarify: “Mark Burnett really understand my vision” really means “Mark Burnett is in awe about my ceiling eyes.” And “will show people a different side of my life” really means “Besides my boobs, we’ll also focus on my ass.”
World implosion! This new ”show” better be good enough to recap! Ole!
Sidenote: Photos above are of Oddy shopping at Barney’s yesterday. Jealous?
18
The Hills Gang Goes to Hawaii! I Hope They Return the Tiki to Professor Whitehead!
Bonus points to whoever got my joke in the title and by “bonus points” I mean “imaginary nothings.”
For those of you, like me, who are are trying to fill the void in your lives ever since The Hills has been on hiatus, well do I have the perfect fix for you! It’s two parts heroin, two parts Zima, and 1 part Hills pictures of the cast shooting scenes in Hawaii for the upcoming season that is set to air in March. Was that a run-on sentence? Eh, I’m keeping it.
The whole Douche-Bag-Bunch gased up what I will assume is DouK’s private jet, sipped some champagne, and got ready for some scripted fun in the Hawaiian sun. Seriously everyone was there. Well almost everyone. Heidi and Steve Sanders seem to be missing from the group photo. I’m sure they’re back in LA trying to find newer and more efficient ways to burn in hell.
While these photos don’t talk, they sorta do. For instance, in the last photo you know Audrina is text messaging Lauren to ask her what her next line is. Lauren hasn’t received the message yet because she’s too busy making sure LOser is following all of her commands that she laid out in a list before they left for the airport.
09
…In Other News…
What in the holy F is up with Audrina’s face? Something is different and I can’t put my finger (giggity) on it. Is she dipping into the Heidi Montag plastic surgery fund? Eh, Audrina was at the Grammy Awards last night and, well, I wasn’t…because that makes sense. In other news…
~ Check Out the Coraline Movie Review ~ ABH
~ Jessie Simpson Keeps on Ticking ~ Websters
~ Grammy Award Photo Palooza! ~ CS
~ The Worst Grammy Clothes of 2009 ~ Ayyyy
~ Usher’s Wife Has a Bad Plastic Surgery Reaction? ~ POTP
~ Brad Jolie and Angie Pitt Hit the BAFTA’s ~ PB
~ Jessica Simpson Forgets How to Sing Too ~ FB
~ Terri Hatcher in a Backyard Brawl? ~ IDWYL
~ Gisele Models How to Read ~ Yeeeah
~ Jennifer Aniston Turns 40 for Ellen ~ BS
~ MIA Singing Pregnant at Grammy Awards…Ouch. ~ DSF
16
Audrina’s Penis Can Barely Breathe!
Your favorite teef transporter, Audrina from The Hills, was filming scenes for season 5 of The Hills at Beso restaurant in LA the other night. While she is all smiles (and I mean that literally) it appears that Audrina’s penis is being restrained. There. I said it. I don’t care. It’s Friday. I’m tired. It looks like Audrina has a penis. She has a dinky. Look at Audrina’s dinky. Look at her peepee. I just think we never noticed it before because we’re always hypnotized by those damn teef and then, months later, we began to be hypnotized by her store-bought rack. Never did we notice her penis. Well, it’s there.
08
Audrina’s New Teeth?? I Guess Santa IS Real!
29
Teef and Tats Patridge Hit the MGM Grand Pool
