More Mindless Stories on ‘ashley olsen’
09
Uh, I’m Sorry. That’s Not Comet!
You know, you think you know someone. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was taking a munchkin-like walk the other day in 90 degree New York City with her new dog, a French Bulldog puppy, who is definitely not Comet. How rude!
Seriously, she better have thrown her popsicle stick bird house on the kitchen floor the way she did when she heard Papouli died, after Comet peaced-out of her life. I mean, that friggin dog gave her some of the best years of her life and this is how she repays him? Like this!?
You know what, Michelle? I’m pissed. That dumb dog was going to teach me a great dance that I could show off to my class just like Papouli was going to teach you. And you know what else? Uncle Jesse isn’t here to step in and save the day for me like he did you. And you know what else? Oopa! That’s what else. I tell ya, 2 bitches. Geesh.
18
My Mail-Order Olsen Bride Finally Arrived!
They promised me 5-7 business days, but my mail-order Olsen bride actually arrived on my doorstep in 3 business days, which was a refreshing surprise. I haven’t been able to tell, yet, if this indistinguishable Olsen is alive or dead but, frankly, it doesn’t matter. We’ve been running lines from some of my favorite Full House episodes and she even let me put her in a shopping carriage and sing “Lollipops and Gummi Bears are My Favorite Treat” 4 times in a row the other day. She even let’s me bend her thumbs up and says, “You got it, dude” while I clap and squeal with delight. I love my little Olsen bride.
Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was all “walking corpse” on the red carpet at the 3rd Annual Art of Elysium Gala in Beverly Hills (90210) over the weekend. She apparently had Ant Becky’s Elvis inspired wedding dress taken in 3 sizes and painted blood onto her lips to really make the entire outfit pop. I’m actually looking for some ropes around her a la “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
05
Breaking: An Indistinguishable Olsen Running
Like a horse running from a barn fire, Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen went for a little jog in and around the Hollywood Hills just the other day to kick off a nice and healthy lifestyle for the new year. She was jogging with her reported boyfriend, Justin Bartha, but I decided to not show those pictures, as I like my Olsen’s alone or strictly with each other.
The indistinguishable Olsen sported some black hightops, tight black spandex-like pants, and Uncle Jesse’s ripped flannel shirt that he used to wear when his name was originally Jesse Cochran and he worked as a pest control employee. You didn’t think I remembered that, did you?
16
My Own Personal Two-Headed Olsen Monster! Just In Time for the Holidays!
I do believe in Two-Headed Olsen Monsters! I do believe in Two-Headed Olsen Monsters! I DO believe! Indistinguishable Olsen’s were all creeptastic smiles and bug-eyed glares whilst they attended the NYC premiere of “Nine” at the Ziegfeld Theatre last night. So I’m almost certain that the Olsen Monster on the left snuck into Aunt Becky’s closet and stole her “Wake Up San Francisco” wardrobe and the Olsen Monster on the right glued all of the wigs that John Stamos had to wear while he played Uncle Jesse’s cousin “Stavros” together and made it into a Stavros coat of horror. But, well, I could be wrong. Doubtful though.
What ever happen to the cute little Olsen’s? You remember the cute little Olsen’s, right? Like the time when Mary-Michele-Ashley-Kate-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was sitting in a shopping cart and being pushed around the set of Danny Tanner’s 24-hour telethon by DJ while she sang “Lollipops and Gummibears are my favorite treats….” Imagine that scene with the Olsen Monster on the right in that shopping cart? Yowza! It looks like the Olsen Monster on the left should be pushing that shopping cart….with all kinds of junk in it….and talking to herself….and living under a bridge…..and selling her coochie for meth money…and hot dogs!
Anyyougotitdude, check out some more creepy Olsen photos below. If you print out these pictures and tape them to your wall, the Olsen eyes follow you as you walk by. I, um, er…uh, I heard that. I don’t know for sure. I gotta go.
19
Uh-Oh! Looks Like Little Michelle Tanner Got Into Aunt Becky’s Stuff Agaaaaain!
An indistinguishable Olsen was all “creepy face” as she attended the Tim Burton Tribute at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City the other night. If Papouli was still alive and knew that his little Michelle was rummaging around in Aunt Becky’s personal makeup collection (from Walgreens) he would be rolling over in his grave. Oopa! On the other hand I think it’s outstanding that in today’s tough economic climate even the Olsen Skanks can show how they’re trying to make the best of these tough times by utilizing Kimmy Gibbler’s old wardrobe. Recycle and pay it forward. That’s not only the Olsen Way, it’s the American Way. God bless you Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashely-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen, bless you.
18
Is My Little Olsen Sassin’ Me?
Ohhhhhh the Olsen Sluts are pissed! From the looks of it, it looks like they just knocked over a 7-11. I bet their bags are filled with hot dogs and Slurpee’s. Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen and her sister, Shecky Olsen, were all angry looks and side-eye huffs as they made their way through LAX over the weekend. I like to picture the Olsen’s on a plane. It makes me happy. I bet they don’t have to pay for a seat if they sit on someones lap. If I were on the plane I’d let Shecky Olsen sit on my lap and I’d put my hand up her shirt and turn her into a puppet. We would, of course, reenact scenes from the Full House episode where Papouli kicked the bucket and Michelle asked Uncle Jesse if it was ok to cry. It’s not ok, Michelle, it’s not. You’re not ok.
23
An Indistinguishable Olsen Wears the Entire Dining Room Table
Looks like someone hit the jackpot at the “Papouli Checks Out of Earth” funeral yardsale. Oopa! Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen tossed on Papouli’s old doily and his John Lennon sunglasses (he was a real hit in the 70’s) and headed out to perform victory laps all over the streets of New York City. Maybe she was looking for Santa so she could give him his boots back? Similar to why Uncle Jesse’s last name changed from Cochran to Consopolis, one may never know.
While my goal in life is to stalk an Olsen, I would like to expand on that because, well, Oprah does tell us to dream big. I would like to meet an Olsen (any Olsen) and ask her every Full House question I can think of. In return, with each question, the Olsen is allowed to pummel me with pots and pans. Oopa!
16
My Little Olsen, Slut Lips Olsen, I Like to Brush Her Curly Hair
Now here’s an Olsen for ya! I’m not sure which Olsen this one is, but I’m going to guess, “Shecky Olsen?” Shecky Olsen smeared on her whore-red lipstick, permed her hair like Kimmy Gibbler, and headed out to the 125th Anniversary of the Metropolitan Oprah House in Lincoln Center, NYC, yesterday. 125 years? Isn’t America only like 100 years old? I’m confused.
Anygeekburgerwithcheese, Michelle Tanner has really come a long way from her days of competing in the annual downhill soapbox derby championship, with the help of Aunt Becky, of course. Sure she wanted to drop out of the race when Kenny made comments about who girls shouldn’t be in the race, but she stuck with it. And look at her now! Not only did she compete in the race, but she grew up to be a real grown up skank. I bet Kenny is punching himself in the basket after realizing he could have gotten some flat Olsen ass. We all make mistakes, Kenny, we all make mistakes.
23
Is My Little Olsen Going Grey?
I’m going to be in very big trouble, mister, for saying this, but I think my little Olsen is starting to go grey. I’m noticing a little skunk patch on the top of the indistinguishable Olsen. If you recall, Michelle Elizabeth Tanner lost her shiz when she was turning 5 and Danny Tanner and crew weren’t going to update her baby book anymore. Next thing you know, skank-bag Aunt Becky goes into labor with those horrible twins (Nikki and Alex) and they practically ruin Michelle’s 5thbirthday. How rude! Sometimes I forget what I’m even writing when I get into “Full House” mode, but I beam with pride when I can remember intimate details of the episode in question.
Anytroll, Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen attended the Film Independent Spirit Awards over the weekend (for some reason) and even presented an award. I’m almost certain the award category she presented was, “Best Way to Lose WeightBy Not Eating for 3 Days and Exercising Like Crazy In Order to Fit Into a Bathing Suit for Kathy Santone’s Pool Party.” The winner, of course, was Donna Jo Tanner. She thanked her “chipmunk cheeks.” It was a touching moment.
09
An Indistinguishable Olsen Smokes and Kisses. Looks Like She Learned A Lot from Gia’s Makeout Party!
Papouli must be rolling over in his grave right now. Oppa! Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was caught smoking and making out with someone on the streets of New York City over the weekend. Looks like someone learned a thing or two from watching reruns of the Full House episode titled “Gia’s Makeout Party.” Even though Stephanie never wanted to makeout at that party you know it was only because her chin was getting in the way. How rude! She looked like a geek burger with cheese when Danny showed up to bail her, soon to be, meth ass out of that party. Where was I going with this?
Anytroll, this indistinguishable Olsen in question looks like a dream come true with her big sunglasses and lit cigarette that is millimeters away from burning her boyfriends face. Honestly, I’d rather make sweet love to a used ashtray than put my tongue in that Olsen mouth that must smell and taste like Misty 120’s. Smoking kills, stupid. You have a billion dollars to spend. Try to stay alive.
12
Hey That’s My Olsen!
Hey, that’s my Olsen! I’m not sure which Olsen this actually is, so I’m going to guess it’s the secret triplet Olsen named “Shecky.” Shecky Olsen attended The Cinema Society’s Screening of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” Boring. I think it’s more interesting if Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was attending the “Michelle Tanner Finds Multiple Reasons to Not Sleep in Her Big Girl Bed Until Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey, and Danny Tanner Sing “Teddy Bear” to Her via Bad Elvis Impersonations” screening. Just me? Crickets?
01
Who in the Holy Hell Knocked Up My Little Olsen? Please Leave Me Your Name.
“My little Olsen, pregnant Olsen,
I love to brush your Tanner-like hair.
My little Olsen, knocked up Olsen,
I can’t take you anywhere.”
Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen is allegedly “with child.” Have mercy! This is all according to the National Enquirer because the Olsen in question is said to have gained weight lately that has her tipping the scales at 102 pounds. I shit you not. That’s really what they’re basing this on. Couldn’t she just be off the crack…not pregnant?
Oh Jesus. Papouli must be rolling over in his grave. Oppa!
29
The Olsen’s Sign Copies of "I’m the Cute One" in New York City
22
Michelle Tanner Got Her License?
Well will ya look at that! Michelle Tanner finally got her license. You totally know when she passed her driving exam her instructor let her know that she passed by saying, “You got it, dude” and then handing her her license. Michelle better realize that driving is a privilege and not a big joke just like her big sister DJ thought it was when DJ, Kimmy Gibbler, and Stephanie all got out of the car when it was at a stoplight and started running around it. Technically that’s called a Chinese Fire Drill, but something makes me think that they didn’t call it that on Full House. Anyhouse, the crew gets locked out of the car and Danny has to come and help them. Lesson learned. So Michelle Tanner better not pull that crap or she won’t be sleeping in her big girl bed tonight. Moshi Moshi dude!
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27
A Hitch-Hiking Gutter Olsen Slut
How come there’s never a hitch-hiking gutter Olsen Slut on the side of the road when I’m driving by? Life is so unfair. I blame the terrorists, global warming, and the underground railroad for this. Anyhouse, an indistinguishable Olsen was sporting her best Danny Tanner button-down flannel shirt as she was leaving a Radiohead concert at the Hollywood Bowl in LA the other day.
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