Ashlee Simpson and her fiance Pete Wentz are finally married. These two “entertainers” tied the knot in the backyard of Ashlee’s parents casa in Encino, CA. Joe Simpson, Ashlee’s creepy dad, officiated the wedding ceremony and probably deep-throated his daughter when Pete was supposed to kiss the bride. Oh, and as a predictable sidenote, Ashlee is 4-months pregnant. Shock. Oh, and she had a nose job. Oh, and she had her chin done. Oh, and Milli Vanilli didn’t really sing. Oh, and Magic Johnson has AIDS. Oh, and Dolly Parton’s boobs aren’t real. Oh, and wrestling isn’t real. Oh, and The Hills isn’t reality. Oh, Jack didn’t really trade his cow for some magic beans that grew a magic beanstock. Nicole Richie attended this ceremony and wore a purple dress. Seriously I hate these two, I hate this story, and I hate the fact that Nicole Richie was described being there “wearing a purple dress.” Who gives an F?

The new nose and chin shaving must have really done the trick because last night Ashlee Simpson announced that she is, in fact, engaged to Pete Wentz. Can someone check on Jessica because I’m pretty sure she is on suicide watch now and strapped to the bed…and not in the good way.

Ashlee and Pete released a joint statement:

“We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I, and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes – it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, and we wanted to be the first to tell you and to hear it straight from us.”

You hear that? Ashlee and Pete think I’m the best. That was nice of them to say. It’s nice that they consider this such a “very private matter” that they told everyone “on the Internet.” Yeah no one reads that wild and crazy “Internet.” It’s just a flash in the pan.

Crazy ass Joe Simpson told People Magazine that he is “totally happy” and “so excited to have Pete part of our family.” I’d assume he’d continue on by saying “now I can finally start sharing Pete’s clothes and dressing younger and now I can FINALLY talk to Pete about what it’s like having sex with my daughter and not seem weird.”

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson (and their retarded dog) are caught leaving Starbucks and having over-priced coffee and donuts that will NEVER be as good as Dunkin Donuts. Also, Pete Wentz apparently is still sticking with that “Emo” look that about 5 other people are still trying to pull off. I don’t care about either of these two, BUT, my buddy Doug (Doug-e-Doug) is a huge Pete Wentz fan for some reason and Doug-e-Doug’s birthday is on Jan 13th, so here is a free gift to him. Happy B-day D! In other news…

~ Tom Cruise Does That “Oprah Hand Thing” Again ~ AgentBedHead
~ Tim Chapman Busted! ~ CelebritySmack
~ Britney Will Kill Her Kids. Awww Sweet. ~ PopBytes
~ Kitty Cat Dunst is Purdy ~ Yeeeah
~ Saleisha Still Dora ~ POTP
~ Michelle Rodriguez is Free ~ EvilBeet
~ Lindsay Lohan Still Hooking ~ NinjaDude
~ Ricki Lake and Some Giving Birth Stuff ~ DListed

Are the Simpson sisters the new Olsen Sluts? They better not be! Ok, ok, there is plenty of room for two sets of slut-bag sisters in this world. Ashlee and Jessica Simpson were at the “Visions of Hollywood” fiesta at the GQ Lounge. I’m not quite sure what that means and don’t really care. More importantly, at first I thought that was the Simpson’s mother, Tina, who was sitting with her daughters, but it isn’t. It’s actually Cheri Oteri, former SNL member. Really? Yes. How in the holy hell does she get in the Simpson mix? I should be in the Simpson mix, similar to Chex mix.

Anyway, what’s up with Ashlee? In case you’ve recently gone blind her face looks all jacked up and she looks trashed. While “trashed” is typically a plus in my eyes, I’m going to have to knock her down a few notches. That’s right folks, I’m now putting Jessica Simpson ahead of Ashlee Simpson. That’s right I said it. Deal with it. Ok, I have to go.

Two Headed Simpson Sisters

Officially one haircut away from “The Rachel.” Ashlee Simpson and her boyfriend, Pete Wentz, were at Movieline’s Hollywood Lifestyle Awards in LA recently and I have no idea what that actually is. In other news…

~ Saint Jennifer Lopez de las Bronx Almost Take a Digger ~ CelebritySmack
~ How Pam Anderson Selects a Husband ~ AgentBedHead
~ A Message from KFED ~ PopBytes
~ Hilary’s Duffs ~ NinjaDude
~ A Prince Who Snorts Vodka ~ POTP
~ Future Hollywood Skanks ~ EvilBeet