Heather Locklear, according to People Magazine, has been arrested last night and held in Santa Barbara County jail. As of today she has been released from the slammer-lama-ding-dong and, at this point, no one is talking about why she was arrested. Therefore, I will make the following guesses until the real reason comes out:

By know you’ve heard of the Shia LaBeouf DUI accident from the other night. I say you heard about it before because it happened over the weekend while I was taking multiple naps and never blogged about it. Once I finally awoke from my sleep coma I saw pictures of Shia’s truck which is all banged up. Isn’t this the real crime? I mean, sure, driving drunk should never be done, unless you’re really really really concentrating. Ok fine, it should never be done. But this truck really is the crime. What multi-million dollar movie star drives a sea-foam green F150? No really, who? Oh and did I mention Shia’s a dude? Yeah, a dude driving the sea-foam express.

At 3:00 am Shia was allegedly driving three sheets to the wind when he cut off another car and the two collided. Both parties were taken to el hospital and Shia is supposedly having surgery performed on his left hand. Left hand? Just remember this, Shia. If the right side of the brain is controlled by the left side of the body then only left handed people are in their right mind. You’re welcome.

Believe it or not but I’ve yet to be arrested, but if/when that happens I want to make sure I issue a statement that makes it seem like this whole situation was an LOL event! Star of CSI, Gary Dourdan, was arrested last week for alleged drug possession after the 5-0 found him asleep in his car. Here’s what good ole’ Gar had to say:

“Obviously I certainly wish I hadn’t been responsible for so many people getting to the festival’s VIP area. And the after party, it ran me ragged, but I’m glad pulling over did prevent a DUI. I recommend not driving at all, but a little kip (nap) is always good (on either side of the road LOL)… I am blessed that the Sgt. realized that the luggage carrying whatever they found was not mine and that my tests have been coming back negative. I am planning events to get the word out that you don’t need a bunch of nasty chemicals to have a good time. Just good friends, family, good music and a good honest spirit full of faith.”

Oh Gary. LOL. OMG isn’t getting arrested a real hoot? I luv how UR playing this off like it’s no bid deal. I’m also LOL’ing that a grown man, in an issued statement, uses phrases such as LOL. It makes this whole thing seem like it is one big old laughing matter. Now did you email this to Access Hollywood or did you txt mssg it to, IDK, UR BFF Rose?

Uh oh! Someone’s gonna have to explain their new black eye to the girls in work today! Vanilla Ice’s wife must have burnt the roast because police were called to the house of Vanilla Ice and he was arrested after he allegedly pushed her. Apparently this is something that you aren’t allowed to do even if you come home from a long day of work and dinner is still…not…ready. Note to self. Anyway, Vanilla Ice was booked by the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s deputies and was charged with domestic battery. I tried to call his wife, Laura, for comments on this situation, but immediately hung up the phone after I discovered that I don’t know her and don’t have her number. If I could have reached her I’d assume her comment would have been, “Ouch.” I, of course, would have told her to “Stop, collaborate and listen.”

Lindsay who? Fine, so I’m reporting this about 12 hours after everyone else but it’s still worth mentioning that Mischa Barton, star of ???, has been arrested for driving under the influence, possession of a narcotics (narc alert!), driving with a suspended license, and for being a complete bore (ok I made that last one up). As a sidenote, what technically is a “Mischa?” Stupid. Hopefully she’ll get charged with a retarded name too. Mischa was using her car as a missile and declaring jihad on West Hollywood around 2:45 AM when she was driving in about 15 different lanes. Mischa was being held on $10,000 bail.

My thoughts? Yay! She’s paving the way for more celebrities facing jail-time. With Lindsay on the straight and narrow (and boring) and Britney just up to her typical tricks I was really hoping that someone would be spending some time in the slammer. Thanks Mischa.

Also, that’s a great mugshot. Again, is the camera man hanging by a rope from the ceiling? As more on this story develops I’ll be sure not to report on anything as I am already bored with this story.

Who Claims This!?
Mischa Barton Arrested for DUI. Nice!