More Mindless Stories on ‘arrested’

Dudes Who’ve Been on Celebrity Apprentice are the New “Curse of the Women Who Won an Oscar”

First Jesse James, then Brett Michaels, and now Tito Ortiz.  It hasn’t been the best few months for guys who have appeared on Celebrity Apprentice.  TMZ, the trash barrel reporters, are telling the story that Tito Ortiz has been arrested and posted $50,000 bail yesterday morning for allegedly beating part of the bag out of Jenna Jameson.  Hmm.  Sounds like a fair fight to me.  Loser.

TMZ later caught up with Jenna Jameson at her Huntington Beach home (after she came back from CVS with a brace on her arm) in which she told “reporters” that this is the first time Tito ever laid a hand on her, but it will be the last.  Good for her.  It’s never acceptable to hit a women….except in one case.  And the case I am, of course, talking about is when Michelle Tanner threw her popsicle stick bird house on the floor after she found out that Papouli had died in his sleep.  I always wished that Papouli would have come back to life to slap her in the face for trashing the house like that.  So, that’s the only time it would be ok to hit.  I think.  I’m sure you agree.

One More Arrest and Michael Lohan Gets His 11th Arrest for Free!

The sky is blue.  Bindi Irwin is a big B.  Birds fly south for the winter.  Homeless women on the street are probably just Tyra Banks in disguise doing a social experiment.  And Michael Lohan got arrested again.  Again.  Again, again, again.  Again.  The classiest of all the Lohan’s, Michael was arrested yesterday after violating the restraining order that his ex-girlfriend, Erin Mueller, issued against him.  Apparently Michael Lohan violated the order by calling Erin on the phone.

Seriously, what’s worse than white trash?  Freckled trash? I think that’s it.  Actually, I’m sure of it.  Michael Lohan is absolute freckled trash.  He’s freckled trash with that dirty orange fake tan that Lindsay uses on her face.  Seriously this guy gets to roam the earth and Anna Nicole Smith is dead?  Sometimes God plays tricks on people.  Screw you, Rusty!

Somewhere in a college dive-bar in Jersey, Dina Lohan is reportedly doing dance spins with her fake weave flying all over the place in celebration.

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Gary Coleman Arrested Yet Again. Yawn.

If Arnold serves time in prison, who will get temporary custody of his goldfish Abraham?  Probably not Dudley as he’ll be busy getting diddled by some weirdo watching dirty cartoons.  Anybain, Gary Coleman was arrested in Utah yesterday and charged with domestic assault.  I swear to God if he put one finger on either Mrs. Garrett or Adelaide I’ll give him the spanking that Mr Drummond decided not to give him after he was caught throwing water balloons over the penthouse balcony!  It’s a shame all the random episodes I remember from Different Strokes.

Gary Coleman, according to TMZ, is being held on $1725 bail (or the equivalent of 6 months of overtime for Gary).  No further details have been provided at this time and, to be honest, once they are I may not update you so, well, let’s just leave the story right here.

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Mess With Charlie Sheen and He’ll Totally Break Your Glasses

I didn’t even want to touch the whole Charlie Sheen/Brooke Mueller hoopla as white-trash with money always seems to irk me.  However I did have to lift my personal ban once I read on TMZ how, according to an affidavit, Charlie Sheen took Brooke Mueller’s eyeglasses and then broke them in front of her.  Geesh, why not just kick a puppy and slap a baby while you’re at it?

According to the TMZ report here are some other disturbing details, allegedly, that went down the night Charlie Sheen was arrested:

• Sheen used a switchblade-like device to threaten Mueller
• Police, once arrived, chatted with Sheen in the basement who informed them they were having marital problems and that Mueller “abused alcohol”
• Mueller threatened to divorce Sheen and take the children
• Both Sheen and Mueller were arguring that night and both slapped each other on the arm
• Sheen denies pushing, striking, strangling, or threatening Mueller with a knife
• Mueller claims Sheen pulled out a knife, held it to her throat and said, “You better be in fear.  If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you”
• Sheen broke Mueller’s eyeglasses in front of her

So there you have it folks.  He said/she said.  I’m not sure who to believe partially because I don’t know them and partially because I don’t care.  I think it was only recently that I realized that Charlie Sheen is not, in fact, Emilio Estevez.  I always thought it was like that Michael Jackson/Janet Jackson/La Toya Jackson is the same person rumor.

Stephanie Pratt Arrested for DUI. My Money Was on Holly Montag.

Wow.  They will stop at nothing to promote the upcoming crapisode of The Hills!  At least they’re sticking with the theme: Drunken Undeserving Skankasauras’.  According the my friends at TMZ, Stephanie Pratt was arrested in the early morning hours and charged with DUI in happy Hollywood, CA.  I hope Heidi is praying for her. 

According to TMZ, her bail was set at $5,000 or approximately what Frankie Delgado is hoping to get paid per season on The Hills. It has been reported that some drunk bastards outside of “da club” were taking pictures of Stephanie getting cuffed and, well, I’ve already added these alleged pictures on my list to Santa Claus, so hopefully these will surface soon. 

I would have put money on HOlly Ethel Mertz Montag getting busted for DUI since this weeks crapisode of The Hills features HOlly getting trashed on the regular, an episode that I’m hoping makes it into the Hills Hall of Fame.