More Mindless Stories on ‘anna nicole’
22
Bad News. Dead Anna Nicole Smith Won’t Be Getting Any of Howard Marshall’s Money. How Will She Survive? Oh, Wait.
You wantsomemoney? You likemybody? Want a Viper? I can almost hear the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith saying that on a constant loop in my head upwards of 4 days per week. Anyway, bad news for dead Anna Nicole. She won’t be getting her hands on her ex-husband’s oil money, so says a Federal Appeals Court.
If you recall, Anna Nicole was in a messy 15 year court battle between the Marshall family over hundreds of millions of dollars. I mean, who doesn’t remember seeing Anna Nicole on the witness stand fake crying and saying “Screw you, Rusty” while she wiped away “tears.”
Now that the court ruled Anna Nicole’s estate won’t be getting any money I’ll just assume that Virgie will have to fall back on her career of being a female Chris Farley impersonator. I’m sure that’s lucrative. Screw you, Rusty!
30
Who Wants to See Anna Nicole Die Again?
No joke they could have made a better movie if they used the actual dead bodies of Anna Nicole and Daniel and made their arms and hands move by pulling strings. Think “Weekend at Bernie Part 5.” So in case you couldn’t get enough of the “story of Anna Nicole” you can now watch it all over again with a whole new cast of characters thanks to FOX! So who plays who, you ask?
- Willa Ford plays Anna Nicole Smith
- Patrick Ryan Anderson plays Daniel
- Richard Herd plays Howard Marshall II
- Chris Delvin plays Howard K Stern
- Bobby Trendy plays Bobby Trendy
I think I knew only one of those people. Boring. Here’s who I would have cast:
- The mother from “Family Matters” plays Anna Nicole
- Either Nicki or Alex from Full House plays Daniel
- Judge Wapner plays Howard Marshall II
- Quagmire from Family Guy plays Howard K Stern
- Margaret Cho plays Bobby Trendy
And I’m pissed that “Kimmy” was never cast. Therefore I would cast:
- Janet Reno plays Kimmy
Screw you Rusty!
10
Larry Birkhead is the Father
Breaking News: The DNA results are in an Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole’s daughter, Dannielynn. Larry actually said, “I told you so!” Seriously, 10 year-olds say that. Brilliant!10
It’s DNA Baby Daddy Day!
09
Howard K Stern Chickens Out
What I really want to know is what happens when this is over? This won’t be the “end end” will it? Can’t they toss any other random situations at us? I’m hoping that none of these dudes are the baby daddies. I’d like to see the second string of possibilities. Let’s toss Bob Barker’s name in the ring.
23
What Killed Anna Nicole Smith?
I’m going to wager a few guess on what I think killed Anna Nicole. Let’s see if I’m right on Monday:
- Anna chocked to death on Sugar-Pie’s hairball
- Zsa Zsa Gabor bitch-slapped her to death
- Her boobs exploded
- She snorted Trimspa and karate kicked her way out of a 4 story building
- Global warming
My money is on Global Warming, as it is a silent killer. Wait, or is that Carbon Monoxide?
15
Breaking News: Anna Nicole Smith Could Use a Computer
Anyway, TMZ.com has discovered that the wife of Anna Nicole’s bodyguard, Big Moe (no really) was on the computer at Anna’s bedside right before Anna died. While Big Moe’s wife is not a suspect or of interest at this point, the authorities are interested on some of the information on that computer.
Now my hypothesis is that Big Moe’s wife and Anna were playing a good old game of “Oregon Trail.” Big Moe’s wife was the “farmer” and Anna was the “banker from Boston.” They each had three oxen and spent a ton of time out in the forest trying to shoot squirrel and the occasional buffalo that moved really slow. The buffalo didn’t come that often, but when they did you could always kill them because they walked across the screen at a snails pace. Anyway, the “banker from Boston” typically died from typhoid, so my guess is that Anna Nicole Smith died from typhoid. Oregon Trail anyone? Anyone?
02
Only Anna Nicole From Here on Out
- Anna’s body is officially on its way to the Bahamas with high security following the body.
- Country star Joe Nichols is the one who will be singing graveside. Looks like I was wrong with my 5 guesses
- Plan on attending the funeral with your camera? Be prepared to shell out up to $5,000. That’s what the media is being charged to hang out at the funeral.
- John Travolta has said that he felt Scientology could have saved Anna. Oh, and also constantly watching “Grease” could have killed her.
- Trimspa baby!
02
Anna Nicole "Funeral Friday" Brought to You by Trimspa Baby!
I figured I am already going to hell for a variety of reasons so why no add just one more to the list by providing commentary on what is rumored to take place today. First, Anna will be buried in a custom made gown. I would have opted for the wetsuit that she sported in the Trimspa commercials. There have been over 300 guests that have been invited to an undisclosed church. Hmmm, this seems a lot like the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes secret wedding to me. The church will be covered in pink flowers (Anna’s favorite color…or “colour” for those of you reading this overseas or in Canada) and there will be a surprise singer who will be belting out tunes. At this time, no one will disclose who this singer is, but I have it narrowed down to the following five superstars:
- The second girl who was kicked out of Destiny’s Child
- Niki McKibbin of American Idol Season One
- Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (singing “No, I’m the Cute One” from their direct to video days)
- The grandmother from “Family Matters”
- Fergie
There is no doubt in my mind that this funeral will be an absolute circus. I also would not be surprised one bit if Ashton Kutcher came running into the funeral, Anna jumps out of the casket, and we all learn that MTV has just “punked” the absolute piss out of us.
16
Anna Nicole Watch: Is This a Skit?
Is it just me or is watching the Anna Nicole “news” coverage kinda like a skit? I sorta feel like I’m watching something on SNL, where Chris Farley would be playing Virgie – Anna Nicole’s mother. I was surprised when they allowed cameras into the “court room” that looked more like a conference room. The judge in this case is throwing out one-liner “zingers” left and right and he’s way to relaxed during the case. He literally is sitting way back, slouched down, in his chair. During the lunch break the judge requested that a swab be taken on the inside of Anna Nicole’s mouth for a DNA sample. Seriously, this is like a complete free-for-all. There’s no way I can keep up. It’s almost like going to one of those horrible murder mystery dinners. That’s totally what it’s like.14
Anna Nicole Watch: Anna Would’ve Shot You if You Fed Her Baby
- Anna told the nanny not to feed Danielynn too much because she wanted her baby to be sexy (no more than 2.5 ounces of food)
- Anna would shoot the nanny if she fed her too much
- Anna Nicole had attempted to commit suicide on two occasions – (1) trying to drowned herself in her pool and (2) by downing a whole bottle of sleeping aid
- When Anna woke up from her comma her first words were, “I wanted to die…I meant to kill myself.” – Good thing she kept at it. No one likes a quitter.
- Anna had a sexual relationship with the Bahamian Minster of Immigration
- Howard K Stern was quoted as having said after Anna tried to kill herself, “If anything happens to you, I would go to jail.” -Um, you still might.
Nice work Inspector Gadget TMZ! If this is true, I wonder how Anna is liking hell? I wonder if they sell TrimSpa, baby (!!) at the hell convenience store? I don’t think what she was doing was really that bad. I mean, who doesn’t want their 2-month old baby to look sexy. Duh! You like my body? TrimSpa baby!
13
Anna Nicole Watch: The Grandmother
03
Anna Nicole: Larry is Does Be Baby Daddy
Larry, it looks like maybe you really do be is some of that baby daddy of Anna Nicole. Yeeeeee haw! I always picture her chewing on straw and shooting a gun in the air when she talks. Anyway, I hope this goes on for a little bit longer because I freakin love the lawyer of Larry Birhead. That chick is nuts! She’s the one that’s always looking into the camera during a press conference with her head twitching and yelling, “Anna Nicole I’m talking directly to you!” Brilliant. Now that lady needs her own reality show. Perhaps she’ll end up on Flavor of Love. Here’s to wishing!
04
Anna Nicole: You Ain’t None Isn’t Daddy!
…at least that’s how I think she would say it. Anna Nicole’s ex-boyfriend has officially filed a lawsuit against Anna, claiming he’s the father of Anna’s new daughter and wants the baby to take a paternity test. Hey, that’s just like it says in the Bible!
According to the lawsuit, Anna was taking meth and that Howard K. Stern has been facilitating her habit. Well Merry Crystalmethmas Anna!
Move over “House of Carters” there’s some old fashion white trash we need to deal with first and then we can move back to yours. Be fair. Share.
