More Mindless Stories on ‘america's next top model’

America’s Next Top Model: Natural Disasters. Really?

Besides the show itself, last night on America’s Next Top Model the theme was natural disasters. ANTM recapper, Jenny, visits IBBB to recap the crap out of last nights crapisode. Here’s what went down:

• The show opens with Marjorie wallowing in self pity. Boring. Continuing on with Joslyn talking to her sister on the phone. More boring.
• Off to this week’s challenge. The girls enter an old warehouse, while mean-a Paulina enters wearing a powder blue, too big suit. Nice. That’s the stuff Bradlees dreams are made of. The icing on the cake however, is when the girls put on pink hard hats a-la “Devo” Don’t be fooled, the challenge is not to whip it….whip it good…but to take too big clothes and make them “work.”
• More tears from Marjorie, as she did not do well. Marjorie says it is a European thing. I think she looks like a cutter.
• McKey wins the challenge and will get 50 extra frames at her photo shoot.
• This week’s photo shoot will be “natural disasters” Marjorie says she doesn’t really know what a natural disaster looks like. I say look in the mirror.
• More self pity from Marjorie. She says her parents are from France and she was raised to dwell on the negative. No surprises here.
• The girls show up at the shoot location and scream in fear as Tyra enters the room. Oh wait, that’s not Tyra….It’s Jay dressed up as an Alien vs Predator creature double feature. My bad.
• Is a blackout really a natural disaster? A heat wave? The Santa Ana Winds? What the hell are the Santa Ana Winds anyway? All I know is that everyone from 90210 (the original) was always talking about them…in a very mysterious way.
• Marjorie’s natural disaster is causing a traffic jam. Really? I sit in traffic every day. Where is my federal aid?
• More uninspirational words from Marjorie. This girl is ridiculous. Does this chick realize there are people in the world with real problems? Hasn’t she heard the heartbreaking stories of people sitting in traffic?
• Joslyn and Clark are in the bottom two this week. Tyra only has one photo in her hand. So who stays? The girl who had a spark, but is now sparkless? Or the girl who’s eyebrows don’t really match her hair all that well? Clark is no longer in the running towards becoming America’s Next………….Top………..Model. Clark packs her bags and heads out. She also crowns herself Miss America…Not really sure what that’s about.

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America’s Next Top Model Recap: Isis Gets Snipped

Spoiler Alert! ANTM jumped the shark 10 seasons ago! ANTM recapper, Jenny, has checked in yet again to recap the crap out of last nights America’s Next Top Model. Here’s what she said went down:

• The girls show up at Lucky Strike, and are handed bowling high heel shoes by Miss Jay. The bowling alley is their runway. Hannah walks like she is 5 years old and someone just stole all her Barbie dolls.
• For this week’s challenge, the girls will be portraying cat burglars. Personally, I would have had them portray the “Ham Burglar.” Winner will appear in Seventeen magazine…(or in my version, the dollar menu), and will get to bring two friends (or two fry guys).
• Dun dun dun……this is it. There is no photo shoot or panel. The worst walker gets sent………home……….Walk like your life depends on it ladies. You better act as though Tyra is behind you showing you pictures of herself on repeat.
• Joslyn wins the competition, and in the next breath Hannah gets sent home. Thank God. That voice makes me want to hurt myself.
• It’s 8:30 and there is no sign of Tyra. I’m getting worried.
• Richards Simmons, I mean Jay, wakes the girls up for their photo shoot. They are getting into the pool and will be shot from the eyes up (not literally). Every one of you better smile with your eyes. This is Tyra’s area of expertise…so you better bring your A game. I don’t want to hear Tyra say, “You did this….and you should have done this….do you see what I did there?”
• Random home videos of Tyra drinking water.
• Tyra starts up with all the math again, explaining that there are 10 girls here because there was 11 and 1 was sent home. Tyra is legally a genius.
• Tyra enlightens us on how this photo shoot came to be. She and her friend were talking pictures of themselves on vacation and started snapping themselves from the eyes up. Now if this shoot was a result of a vacation with MY friends and I, the girls would have been posing in a Mexican bar while local bartenders named Flavi pour tequila down their throat while shaking their head and blowing whistles. Wait, what?
• “Smile with your eyes” count: 4
• Isis and Samantha are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl who Tyra thinks was disgusting? Or the girl who Tyra thinks look sleepy? Miss Disgusting gets to stay. Tyra says goodbye to Isis and tells her she is an inspiration to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders. What about the rest of America Tyra? Also, my spell check always wants to replace transgender with transponder. Good day.

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America’s Next Top Model: Makeover Episode. Oh, and Tyra’s a Witch. No, Really.

Jenny is back to recap America’s Next Top Model makeover crapisode. Looks like ANTM hit an all time low.

• Gather ’round boys and girls….it’s everyone’s favorite, the makeover episode….dun dun dunnnn. I mean, this train wreck isn’t about makeovers, or seeing girls cry over buzz cuts. It’s about seeing how Tyra factors herself into this…Last season we had Tyra-vision…Maybe this time Tyra will dress as an angel and devil and superimpose herself onto the girls’ shoulders….
• Oh boy, Tyra is in the living room with a beauty pageant queen crown on. I wonder what she’ll talk about? Oh right, herself. Tyra is telling the girls all about how she became a super model, blah blah blah thin, blah blah blah, booty, blah blah blah Italy. Why does Tyra keep sing-talking this cycle?
• Miss Jay shows up as the wicked witch in Snow White and hands Tyra a poison apple. Tyra eats it and passes out and the models are truly frightened (as am I, but for different reasons). The other Jay shows up and actually kisses Tyra….maybe. She wakes up “woozy” and coughs a lot. She doesn’t have enough energy to tell the girls what their makeover will be. Jay carries her away and the world implodes. Disclaimer: I am not drunk, high or dreaming. This is how this scene actually played out.
• It’s makeover time….and there you have it. Tyra pops up in the bottom of the screen as the wicked queen. No comment. She’s got on a fright wig and is using all kinds of high pitched accents. Seriously, what does the props department on this show look like?
• Cue the tears. Elina is not happy at all. I don’t blame her, they gave her little orphan Annie hair. I am now having flashbacks of my mother giving me a home perm in my kitchen in the 80’s. Make sure to curling iron your permed hair…That REALLY makes it pretty.
• Off to Walmart for the challenge. The girls have to give themselves makeovers and then sell the product in an improv commercial. The winner gets a video on the Covergirl web site, a photo on Wal-Mart’s web site and a $1000 Wal-Mart gift card. Racist Hannah wins.
• Elina tells a few of the other models she hates her mom. That’s really sweet. I wonder if she could make that into one of those “song” greeting cards…
• This week, the girls are modeling swimsuits…Hannah literally has psycho eyes…she honestly looks like she’s plotting mass murder. Isis is a little nervous. Time to tuck and roll. I have no idea.
• Tyra starts up with the math, 12 girls minus 11 photos equals 1 hour of my life I will never get back.
• Analeigh and Britney are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl that we don’t care about? Or the girl that we don’t care about? Looks like Britney is no longer in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model. Hope you had fun. Enjoy your lovely parting extensions!

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America’s Next Top Model 11 – A Racist Girl Hangs From a Ladder

Jenny has checked in to IBBB to recap the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model. Here’s what she said went down last night:

• Tyra Mail arrives! Yeeeeeee! It reads: Don’t get it twisted….Sorry Tyra, this whole show is already twisted. Nice try. Fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me…and you.
• Nice. It’s Benny Ninja, pose coach extraordinaire….to the stars! He presents the girls with a black box…(not the airplane kind) and inside is a woman. Boo! It’s Bree Robertson, model/contortionist. Whatever, stupid/stupid.
• For the practice session, the girls wrap themselves up in extra large red scarves and “extreme pose.” I’m not that impressed as my one year old also does this.
• Back at the “eco-friendly is fierce” house, the girls hop into the pool. Someone put a tent over this circus…Sheena shows us ass-dance moves, Clark and Elina play kissy face and Hannah pushes Isis. When the girls ask why she pushed Isis, Hannah says she is a stereotypical white girl and doesn’t want people dancing on her all HEYYYYYYYYYYYY! Good luck with the African America girls in the house Hannah.
• P.S.- Bad editing here as Nikeysha has on the blue eye shadow from the photo shoot that has yet to take place.
• In other developments, Analeigh makes chicken noises while Isis gives herself hormone shots. There’s a sentence that I bet has never been said, ever.
• This week’s challenge has the girls auditioning for a jewelry and handbag designer. They have to model accessories and make ‘em POP The winner gets a bag, or something.
• Elina wins the challenge. Let’s face it Elina, competition wasn’t that fierce. People were posing with bags and rings on their feet, teeth and crotch.
• An irate Hannah can’t believe they are referring to her as a racist, and through snotty tears says “that’s not very nice” Sure…and the war in Iraq is an “inconvenience”
• She also says it’s like gang rape and gang violence. Ok so which is it, gang rape or just not nice?
• Tyra’s minions are doing their photo shoot up in a hot air balloon, hanging off a ladder. Who will be the girl with mascara tears running down their face because they are afraid of heights???
• Hey, prop guy…cancel the hot air balloon. It’s too windy up there so looks like they’ll be hanging from a back hoe. (no pun intended)
• What the hell is Sheena? Besides crazy. I don’t understand her at all…
• Um, Tarina Tarantino…why is your hair a hot pink bowl-like cut?
• Ok kids, gather ’round. Story time with Tyra, It wouldn’t be a judging without a quick parable of how Tyra overcame her challenges as a model. Challenges such as holding her pose so long that she would shake. Bor-ing.
• Mean-a Paulina asks Sheena if her breasts are fake. No Ma’am!
• Oh wait….hold the bus….here comes Sheena stepping out of the crowd….Evidently they ARE fake. Tyra says she knew it all along (Tyra is legally a genius) and was glad she stepped forward and TOLD……..THE……….TRUTH………Tyra is good people. Or not…Okay, she is.
• Nikeysha and Isis are in the bottom two…So who stays? Will it be the girl who needs a Big Mac, large fry and a chocolate shake? Or the girl who’s not quite yet a girl, but is a girl, but is almost a girl?
• Nikeysha…….is……outta here! Someone take this girl to a drive through at 3 AM after 6 beers, STAT.

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America’s Next Top Model 11: Space Camp!

America’s Next Top Model is back and so is Jenny the resident ANTM recapper here at camp IBBB. I’ve given Jenny an 11 cent raise so she is more than happy to recap the crap out of the 11th season of ANTM. Let’s see what her thoughts are on the latest episode:

• You wanna be on…POT???? reer reer……reer reer reer reer…….Actually, can you even be “on” pot? That’s like something my mother would say…”I think those kids over there are on pot.” Anyway, I’m not making any promises here….I mean this episodomy is 2 HOURS LONG………….I can’t imagine what this will even be.
• This cycle is staged in L.A. and evidently the theme is futuristic and idiots. The doors open and voila It’s Jay and Miss Jay. They look like disco robots from 1975 and 1979 respectively. Miss Jay has a white bowl cut and Jay has silver Elvis hair.
• The girls have their photo-body scans taken. Cue every girl saying that she wants this more than everyone else, and nobody knows what she’s been through. Just once, I want one girl to be like “I hate Tyra, and I can’t stand reality TV. I just want to be famous. I don’t even need the money because my parents are rich and pay for everything.”
• Time for the GLAMINATOR 11.0. Get your asses in there girls….Jays are going to key in your data and this machine is going to spit out a model! OOOO WEEEEE! SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!!!!!! The machine is freaking out…How frightening! What is happening?!
• Well, it’s even worse than we thought. Tyra steps out of the machine doing all these robot moves. AND she is talking like a robot. Holy special effects….Cartoon lightning bolts start zapping and the Jays and Tyra disappear. I hope they never come back.
• Damn. They reappear at the judges table and are ready to meet the girls. Per usual Tyra starts up with the accents.
• Very interesting. Isis is a transgender….I’m sure all the other women in this competition will be a-ok with this. I mean, last cycle they were VERY accepting of the girl with Aspergers….
• Ok there is another plus size model and she looks EXACTLY like the winner from last cycle. Dumb.
• HOLY HELL. One of the girls tells Tyra that she is from Alaska and was once chased by a moose. Tyra decides that she wants to re-enact this and SHE wants to be the moose (ha-HA). Now here is something I never knew. Moose make loud screeching noises, like a half hit-by-a-car pig, half drunk-beaten horse. Even the Jays look like they can’t believe what they are seeing.
• Tyra asks Elina if she is a lesbian. Elina answers that she is a VERY sexual person. Um, Elina that doesn’t make you a lesbian, that makes you a whore.
• Every time I think they wheels have fallen off this show, Tyra asks another ridiculous question. Now she’s got some chick showing her cage fighting moves.
• Here’s a girl who is making her poor and I’m sure financially strapped parents proud. A Harvard graduate, English major, who cannot name ONE heroine from English literature. Even Tyra is throwing names out there. If I was a Harvard graduate who just got schooled by Tyra I would just jump in front of the ANTM bus and hope that Miss Jay stomps all over my dead body.
• Each girl puts her hand on a megatron (I have no idea what it’s called) and will either hear “Access Granted” or “Access Denied” in a robot voice. It’s probably Tyra-Bot.
• Ok ladies, zip up your shiny metallic blue uni-TARD and get your makeup nice…it’s photo time.
• Please Tyra, give it up. Is she going to talk the a robot all season long? It’s as stupid as Miss Jay’s hairdo.
• We have our final 14 and there is still an hour left of this train wreck. This is our punishment America, for the war in Iraq.
• Ok I know this is random, but the house these girls are living in looks like the house from “Amish in the City”…There’s an idea…Tyra should get some Amish in the house. Do they believe in modeling?
• OH MY GOD………………IT’S FREAKING MAX FROM “THE MAX” ON SAVED BY THE BELL. Where the hell did they dig this guy up? Now here’s why I could never be on this show (aside from the fact that I don’t look a THING like a supermodel). I would be asking him a million Saved by the Bell questions. “Hey MAX, why weren’t you at the telethon to save the Max? What did you think of Jessie’s caffeine addiction? Were you for or against oil drilling at Bayside?”
• The photo shoot is going to have a presidential election theme…voting is sex-ayyyy……Time to dress up as your favorite political issue. Why isn’t anyone wearing a meat dress and meat shoes? I miss the old disgusting days.
• So who stays? The girl who stepped out of the Megatron and stepped into the Glamitron? or the girl who rocks a metallic blue uni-TARD like it’s her job? Looks like Shavon got the boot. You know, the girl who kept telling everyone she was America’s Next Top Model? Well, there’s 2 hours of my life gone for good. I will hold on to the hope that more 80’s sitcom extras will make appearances in future episodes. Maybe Dexter from Silver Spoons.

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