More Mindless Stories on ‘america's next top model’

Isis From America’s Next Top Model 11, Possibly Sans Penis?

Oh Tyra you’ve done it again! The 11th season of America’s Next Top Model, which starts up on Sept 3rd, will be featuring a model who was born a man, but is now a woman. My dictionary says that’s called “transgender.” Now, kids at home, what that means is that the model (named Isis) was born with Mr Winky Claus, but it may have been chopped off and a rack was, well, installed. If I had access to a chalkboard I’d draw it out for you because that’s how IBBB’s father taught him about the birds and the bees. That’s not a joke. Hi dad!

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America’s Next Top Model 11: The Cartoon!

America’s Next Top Wig Model

There are 5 beautiful girls standing in front of me. I only have 4 wigs in my hand. The girl who is not wearing the fakest wig will return to the house, pack her belongings, and go…home. Eva. You are saved. Your reward? You get to model horrific looking wigs in an insanely random wig magazine that, yes, actually exists.

IBBB received an email from Celeste who informed me that she is half-Filipino, 1/4 Mexican, and 1/4 German. I immediately thought that if she was edible she would give me the shits. Moving on, Celeste received a wig magazine in the mail “by accident” and as she just happened to flip through it she discovered America’s Next Top Model Season 3 winner Eva Pigford modeling some wonderfully realistic wigs. She was nice enough to scan all of these photos and send them to me. Then, however, I realized she didn’t give 2-shits about me as the last line of her email was, and I quote, “I’ve attached some of the pics, Jenny will love this.” “Jenny” if you recall is IBBB’s America’s Next Top Model weekly episode recapper. So “thanks” Celeste for sending this over. I’ll alert Jenny.

Looks like winning ANTM really does change your life. I highly doubt if Eva hadn’t been on ANTM she would have NEVER had the chance to model these wigs. Ever. Tyra saves.

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Who Won America’s Next Top Model 10?

Sad times, sad times. Last night was the season finale of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 10. So who won? A hint is hidden in the photo above. Resident ANTM recapper, Jenny, stops by one last time this season to recap the absolute piss out of this episode and even sheds a little light on Jenny and her life. She’s as crazy as IBBB and I like that. Here are her thoughts:

• Well, it’s finally the season finale and three contestants remain…Fatima, Whitney (not Houston) and Anya. Who will it be? Who really cares? I think there should be a surprise twist where Tyra crowns herself America’s Next………..Top…………Model.
• The girls are shooting a Covergirl commercial and a Covergirl print ad. The print ad includes a billboard in Times Square. Saleisha shows up on the set of the shoot. Anya is crying. Probably because Saleisha is there. Cheer up, Anya…At least it’s not Jaslene.
• I think Jay is wearing lipstick again. He is sassy.
• Ding Ding Ding! Tyra said it….not only did she say “You have to smile with your eyes,” but also “there’s a difference between this…..and this…..” Oh Tyra, how I will miss you so now that the season is ending. Actually, I won’t miss you at all.
• Mean-a Paulina tells Anya that she looks stupid in her picture. Um, Paulina…do you know that you look like you used those old pink foam rollers that my mother used to make me sleep in for picture day?
• It’s judging time, part 1 A….and Fatima is G.O.N.E. Tyra spews some nonsense about Whitney, and who is Whitney, and are we figuring out who Whitney is, and who is the girl inside Whitney. Just shut up. This isn’t America’s Next Top Psychologist. PS, I am copy writing that, so don’t even try to steal my TV show CW…or UPN…or Soapnet!
• Looks like Whitney and Anya will get to stomp their way down the runway like horses trying to escape a barn fire.
• Tyra goes over the prizes for the 4 hillionth time and critiques the runway show. Of COURSE when critiquing Whitney Tyra is reminded of herself in the Anne Klein fashion show…and happens to have a clip of it for all of us to enjoy.
• Tyra starts reviewing all of their photos from the dawn of time. This is boring and I started to tune out. I realized a new pet peeve of mine today. It is when crossing guards insist on crossing you even though you’re an adult. It’s like, I’m 32 years old. I know how to cross the street and we aren’t even near a school. Then it gets awkward. Do I start to cross before you give me the go ahead? Do I wait for you to tell me to go? If I go before you “cross” me, are you going to yell at me? Stupid.
• HOLD IT………….HOLD IT…….Whitney is America’s next top model? I mean, good for her and all….but I didn’t see that coming from a mile away. My money was on Anya. Oh well. I guess Tyra and I don’t see eye to eye. Not the first time. Farewell Tyra’s insanity. Farewell Jay’s lipstick…..Farewell Miss Jay’s glitter brows. Til we meet again…or will we? Aren’t there rumors that Tyra is leaving this train wreck? Maybe she could have a reality show to recast her own self. Hmmmmmmmm……..

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America’s Next Top Model Dominique Adios

There’s only 1 episode left of America’s Next Top Model and then our resident ANTM recapper, Jenny, can go back into hiding. But until then, here’s her take on last nights America’s Next…Top….Model:

• Monique says she is “the Saleisha of this competition.” And because I don’t think Saleisha has done a damn thing since last season, I should inform you that Saleisha is, in fact last cycle’s winner. Monique is also a closet eater. She eats at like 2AM. No seriously, who the hell cares and how is she still here?
• During this week’s challenge, the girls are taking photos of Paulina. I don’t understand the point of this. They practice taking pictures of each other and Dominique falls on her ass. Or was it her face? I can’t tell.
• I am flat out SHOCKED that Tyra didn’t have the girls take pictures of her. I am also highly disappointed. What is happening here? This challenge would have been WAY better if the girls shot Tyra….and also if they took pictures of her.
• Fatima wins the challenge and as her prize, gets 50 extra frames at her photo shoot.
• The girls are impersonating movie icons for the photo shoot. It is extremely boring. The only interesting thing during this photo shoot was the headline my local news station flashed across the bottom of the screen…It said “Naked Man in Tree. News at 10″
• It’s judging time and Tyra has decided to use an English accent today, along with a southern twang. She throws in an Italian accent as well for good measure. And finishes with a “meow.”
• Paulina tells Dominick that her photo looks “tranny.” But covers her tracks by saying that she is a “beautiful tranny.” Nice save Paulina.
• Per usual Tyra takes this opportunity to tell us that SHE also has a tendency to look tranny. Sometimes she looks in the mirror after the make up artists finish with her and thinks, “Tyrone?” Wicked good story.
• FINALLLYYYYYYYYYYY!!! Dominick and her tranny self are headed back to America. The tranny heartland. Oh Dominick, we’ll see you on Rock of Love 7.

America’s Next Top Model: Tyra Wins!

IBBB is taking the blogging day off today, but ANTM recapper Jenny is never allowed a day off again. Therefore, below is Jenny’s recap of last nights America’s…Next….Top…Model.

• The girls show up at a cheesy re-enactment of Gladiator. Where is Liz Taylor? GLAAAAAAAAADIATOR? How lucky, they are attending Gladiator school. Evidently “everything is a pose” when you are gladiatoring. Per usual, Dominique thinks she is going to win the challenge. Yawn.
• For the photo shoot challenge, the models have to fight the incredible hulk. I think they should have fought Tyra. Without armor. And they should get one of those balls with spikes attached to a 2 and half foot chain. They only get five frames….Go!
• Fatima looks like she’s fighting off a perv on the subway with her umbrella (ella…ella…). I don’t know what Monique is doing. Maybe they’re breakdance fighting.Whitney wins the challenge, a shopping trip in Rome…and takes Anya with her. Bye.
• Tyra charges on to the scene and screams, “Mama’s in charge today!” Tyra is the photographer today. Does life get any better for these girls? Does it get any better for us as Americans?
• Per usual, Tyra gives the girls cockamamie instructions for the shoot. This week, she is looking for an “Italian Renaissance woman at the club on Sunset.” She is also looking for exaggeration, which according to Tyra is pirouettes. I wonder if she will sneak any frames of herself in there? She uses all kinds of photog jargon like “pose” and “hold it.”
• Meanwhile, back at the ranch….all the girls talk about how wonderful they did…this episode is totally boring. Tyra really needs to be in more of these scenes.
• HOLD THE BUS. This is priceless. Anya is the first to be critiqued. The judges tell Anya she looks beautiful, Italian Vogue all the way. Before Anya can say a word, Tyra says THANK YOU. WOW, THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH. Um hello? I think they were complimenting the model, not the photographer. But nobody mentions this to Tyra. So I’m not going to either.
• Tyra tells Whitney and Kardacxzuty that she is sad to see them in the bottom 2 because she feels motherly to them. Oh ya, she’s a mother all right. A bad mother……………shut yo mouth.
• Kardacxzuty is heading back to America. I’m fine with it. Especially since it means there are only 4 girls left and this season will be over soon. I mean, I don’t have anything better to do, but whatever.

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America’s Next Top Model: When in Rome

Find out what happened on last nights crapisode of America’s Next Top Model. The skanks are in Rome and you know what they say. When in Rome do as Tyra would do. ANTM recapper, Jenny, is back again to tell you what went down on ANTM. Enjoy!

• Viva Italia! The girls are in Rome. I can’t wait to hear Tyra’s Italian accent…I know it’s coming, you know it’s coming….The girls take a tour of Rome…As Anya steps off the bus she takes a digger and chews rocks. If Tyra was there, she would have given Anya a lesson on how to walk it off and continue on. Make it look like she was dancing off the bus…while being fierce. “You see what I just did there?”
• Tyra mail arrives for the girls and Tyra has turned her photo into the Mona Lisa. As she should. Actually, I’m surprised Tyra didn’t go bigger. I thought we’d be see photos of Tyra all over the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Perhaps video mail of Tyra saying mass at the Vatican?
• The girls arrive on the plaza and there are Segways everywhere. This week’s challenge must be to act as mall security. Oh wait it’s a Segway tour through Rome in which the guide points out how well Italian women dress. Interesting. Except it’s not.
• They get to meet art director Attilio Vaccari. He explains the challenge to girls and I have no idea what he is talking about. Regardless, the girls dress up in clothes and walk. Anya wins and gets to sport a gown on the red carpet.
• More Tyra mail…This one says Facile, Brezza, Bella. You guessed it Peanuts gang, that translates to Easy, Breezy, Beautiful. As Lauren says, and I quote “Crap Crap Crap Cover Girl.” Now that’s a slogan. If she was smart, she would copyright that before they steal it from her.
• The models have to shoot a Cover Girl commercial while speaking Italian. It is God awful. All of it. All of them. It reminds of being in Spanish class with the poor kid who does terrible in the class, but the teacher refuses to speak English to him or call on someone else. So he sits there for 40 minutes trying to get through the 3 sentences he is supposed to real aloud. Wait, what am I talking about? Side note. How is Dominique still in this competition?
• Tyra gives us a quick lesson on the history of Rome. But not before mentioning that the biggest fashion show in the industry takes place on the Spanish Steps and that SHE has been in that fashion show FOUR TIMES.
• AND HERE IT IS….Tyra busts out the Italian accent. It is a Jamaican accent, no word of a lie. Jamaican. What is wrong with her? Every accent she imitates ends up being Jamaican. Does she think that the Jamaicans were the first settlers in every country in the world?
• Lauren and her thumb are being sent back to America. Five girls remain MON!

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America’s Next Top Model: Thumb a Ride Abroad!

• I may be showing my age here…but Stacey sounds like that chick that was in Kate’s fashion class on Double Trouble…”It’s like my mama always used to say…..”
• Hot damn, Fatima is screwed. She doesn’t have a Visa and can’t leave the country….Umm, hello?? Where the hell have you been Fatima? For the past NINE seasons the girls have been venturing overseas. What did you think was going to happen here, you would all head the fashion capital of Boise, ID? Sorry Tennessee.
• Mean-a Paulina is going to show the girls how to interview people. She pretends to be a person of interest, and the girls have to engage her. This is painful to watch. I hate it. Next.
• Lauren borderline chops her thumb off making potato pancakes. She better pray that this week’s photo shoot isn’t channeling her inner Fonzi. But with Tyra behind the wheel, this is highly likely. Ayyyyyyyyy…………
• Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Tyra has sent the girls a box of lemons and limes. Ok.
• The models have to work the red carpet for fashion designer Jay Godfrey. Stacey is asked “Does Tyra intimidate you?” by the interviewer. Stacey says, “No.” Liar. Tyra intimidates everyone. Everyone. Tyra is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
• Dominique says she is wearing Jay GIORGIO. Tyra is going to give her the switch when she finds out about this one.Anya wins the competition and appears in a photo shoot naked with lemons, limes and Sprite. I bet Tyra is pissed she didn’t think of this first. Sweet, Anya gets $10,000 too! Can I have it?
• The girls think they are going to the airport to jet to a foreign country. They pack their bags like they are fleeing for their lives. HOWEVER, the jokes on you fools…you’re just doing a photo shoot at the airport!
• Fatima gets her travel documents! Phew…I thought they were going to make her find her way abroad via inner-tube. In which case she better hope she doesn’t run into Janet Reno.
• After the photo shoot, they head into the hangar, and who is there, but Tyra and the judges. Dun-Dun-Dunnnnnnnnn……..Tyra states that Fatima is missing, and states that Fatima is not dressed up like the other girls, and has not participated in the photo shoot. Thanks captain obvious.
• Now, we all know that Tyra tells us “modeling is acting like a ho and making it fashion.” This week we learn that modeling is “I’m all that, and you’re not.” What grade is Tyra in? Moments later, Tyra teaches Lauren how to chop onions by bending her fingers. Is there anything Tyra can’t do?
• Tyra knocks Whitney down a notch by saying she is too much like a pageant girl. Tyra mocks “I wanna save the world! And The Iraq!” Seriously, The Iraq?
• Tyra says she is surprised by how well Anya did at the challenge, mingling and chatting with the others…Tyra thought people would say, “That’s such a weird accent!” Way to discriminate. At least she doesn’t call it The Iraq.
• Stacey doesn’t get to board the plane and head “overseas” to Rome, Italy. Maybe she can borrow Lauren’s big bandaged thumb and hitch a ride home. Eh, don’t be sad Stacey, international travel is dangerous anyway. Most countries hate Americans. Especially The Iraq.

America’s Next Top Model: Recap Trap!

Well after I gave America’s Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, the week off last week as was ready to go and recap her ass off this week…but Tyra threw a little wrench (probably named Tyra) into the plan. Here’s a little ANTM message from Jenny:

America’s Next Top Model: Red Unitards!

I got a bunch of emails from people who couldn’t wait to see what America’s Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, would say about last nights crapisode of America’s….Next…..Top…..Model. Here’s what Jenny said went down:

• The show starts with Dominique and Claire arguing over Dominique’s alarm clock going off too early. It’s now 10 minutes into the show, literally…and they are STILL arguing over the alarm clock. And what’s up with Dominique’s accent? What exactly is it?
• Nice. The divider to the cab-hummer-limo rolls down and reveals that TYRA is the driver. What a treat for all. She tells the girls she has 5 words for them. (Tyra loves numbers) “go upstairs and get dressed” For some reason this makes the models squeal like piglets.
• They arrive at the dance studio and don red spandex shirts, red spandex pants and black shoes. Go Chelsea.
• Tyra gives the girls a lesson in walking. Seriously, how many times are these girls going to get walking lessons? Evidently there is a 3 second rule. Get to the end of the runway, show your outfit for 3 seconds. Is this kind of like the 2 second rule? I say if your twinkey falls on the ground, you can still eat it as long as you pick it up within 2 seconds.
• OH HERE WE GO. Tyra suddenly acts like she has gas pains. But it’s her ankle. I say she’s trying to fake us out. OH! yes…she’s just kidding! She’s so GOOD at this! All of Tyra’s parables have point. She tells us she did this because the next segment is posing with pain. “Think pain but beauty.”
• No lie I have no idea what’s going on right now. First she tells them to think headache. Then menstrual pain. She’s yelling for pain pills and acetaminophen. Ow I sprained my ankle! Ouch! As it turns out, when you sprain your ankle, you roll around on the floor in break-dancing/stripper moves and throw your legs over your head like a 2 dollar hooker. This is priceless. How does Tyra not have her own show? Oh wait, she has two. Good thing.
• I wonder why they don’t do pain associated with watching this show? It’s easy, just lay down on the ground with needles sticking out of your eyes.
• Ok, it’s another pose off. AGAIN. When all else fails, go to pose off. Each girl gets a “pain” to act out. This consists of “windburned lips”, “fingers closed in the door”, “my weave tracks are killing me”, “my neck hurts because I just got strangled”, and “my palms hurt because I was playing patty cake all day” I wonder why she didn’t have anyone do “my shins hurt because I mowed the lawn while wearing shorts and the stupid rocks kept pelting me after they got caught up in the blade?”
• Anya wins the pose off. She wins a one on one photo shoot with Nigel.
• For this week’s photo shoot, the girls have to act out different music genres.
• At judging, Tyra pulls the “you did this, and you should have done thissssssss” I can never tell the difference. To me, smiling with your eyes, think beauty but pain, and acting hoochie but making it fashion all look the same.
• Amy is eliminated from the competition. See Tyra, now THAT would have been a good “pain pose” at your class. Til next week.

America’s Next Top Model: Paint & Poses

Please welcome back America’s Next Top Model resident recapper here at IBBB, Jenny. Here’s what J-Dog said went down on last nights America’s….Next….Top….Model.

• What does Claire’s tank top say? Does it say I love Labor Labor? Or does it say I love Gabor Gabor? I can’t make out the first letter.
• And here is Benny Ninja, all lit up in his ridiculous glory. Honestly, this show is getting a little de ja vu. Honestly, this show is getting a little de ja vu. Can’t they dig up some new nuts in the fashion world?
• Cue the obligatory fight over the phone. Blah blah blah, I need to talk to my kid. Blah blah blah, you’re disrespectful. Blah Blah blah, you’re a racist. Down by the shores of the hanky panky…where the bullfrogs jump from bank to banky….because that has as much significance as anything else here.
• The girls head to Brooklyn and meet up with super model Vendela. It’s a pose off. Is that a thing? Oh even better. It’s like a dance battle. Head to head….How Electric Boogaloo.
• Claire is the individual pose winner. She wins a trip to Bora Bora. Her team wins overall. They win swag. Oh but it’s good swag, like sunglasses, purses, jewelry. Not typical office swag, like you won a sales contest so here’s some leftover mugs with the company name and a lame ass mini rubber chair to put your cell phone in. Oh and don’t forget these pens that say President’s Club 2001.
• When the girls get back to the house, Fatima continues to practice posing. Other girls are drinking 40’s. Do people still drink 40’s? I think the last time I drank a 40 was in 1993 before a local carnival. There’s nothing like drinking a 40 and riding the thunderbolt while “Stroke Me” blares.
• It’s photo shoot time! This week’s shoot is close ups. But it wouldn’t be a Tyra shoot without some nonsense. So, they squeeze and dump paint on the girls’ heads. I say kick it up a notch. Throw these girls on a pottery wheel and turn them into spin art.
• After a painful deliberation (painful for me, not the judges) Marvita is asked to go home. Are we surprised, really? Do you think she’s pissed that she let Tyra give her a mullet, only to be sent home? Some things to think about…

America’s Next Top Model: Meat Suits

• You wanna be on top? No, why do you Tyra? Stop asking me questions in song.
• Random fact of the week…I just noticed that when Tyra uses flashbacks, she uses “Sepia” How photoshop of her.
• Woooo Woooo! The girls are at the fire station. Miss Jay is dressed as a fireman. Very believable.
• Anyway, they have to change into fireman outfits. Oh, and by fireman outfits I mean tight slutty shorts, high-heeled patent leather ankle boots, breast clinging shirts and suspenders.
• Firemen will be judging the girls as they walk a pretend runway in their get-ups.
• Amis literally skips down the runway. I wonder where she is skipping to? Probably to her loo.
• ….And cue the obligatory fight over the showers. Every season this happens. BORING. I want to see these girls fight over the toilet. They are concerned that there are eleven girls and three showers. Personally, I would be concerned that there are eleven girls, some possibly eating Mexican every now and again, some possibly bulimic and only 3 toilets.
• Oh nightmare. Jaslene is here. Why?
• This week there is a runway challenge and the winner will get to pose with Jaslene in Seventeen magazine. That is not a prize, that is consequences for your actions.
• Oh SNAP. Jaslene is critiquing the runway show and asks Lauren if she really wants to be a model and if she really wants to be here. Oh no she DIDN’T.
• Nice. The girls are in a meat house. This week’s photo shoot has the girls posing while wearing meat. I am not making this up. Although, I can’t tell you how many dirty looks I get when I ask the sales girl at Saks where the meat skirts and meat necklaces are.
• Honestly this is hideously gross. Good luck with this one Tyra. I can hear the “Ding” in Tyra’s inbox from here. I predict 8,537,052 emails from angry vegetarians regarding this week’s photo shoot. I am also 100% certain that Tyra will use this opportunity to address this issue on the Tyra Banks show in which she issues a public apology for “meat-gate 2008″ You heard it here first.
• It’s judging time and Tyra “sing introduces” the panel of judges. No doubt this is an attempt for Tyra to spin off “Tyra: the Musical.”
• Amis is eliminated from the competition. Time to pack up your meat bags and hit the road. See y’all next week.

America’s Next Top Model: Makeovers

Welcome back America’s Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, who will kindly walk you through the tragic makeover episode of ANTM. As a helpful tip, smile with your eyes while you read this. Tyra, like Santa, is always watching.

• Ding Dong! The doorbell rings and it’s purses! And inside the purses is Apple Bottom Jeans and shoes……One girl asks what Apple Bottom Jeans are and Fatima tells her that her ass is big. Ok…
• It’s Tyra Mail and all the girls read aloud like they are Hooked On Phonics. If they are going to read like this every time mail comes in I am going to loose my mind.
• It’s a Wal-Mart makeup competition. Make yourselves pretty girls! Not just regular pretty, Wal-Mart pretty.
• There is something completely screwy about Fatima’s hair color to skin color ratio…Beyond the fact that her hair is yellow, there’s something else. I can’t put my finger on it.
• Claire wins the makeup challenge and gets a photo on Wal-Mart.Com. Boring.
• One girl busts out dolls to play with. I am not sure what is happening here. Oh, here we go….Fatima just pulled the race card. And I think I just figured out what her hair reminds me of. It’s a doll I won at an amusement park when I was seven for squirting water in a clown’s nose. The doll was all beat looking and I didn’t even want it. It had bad YELLOW curly hair. I asked my aunt “who has yellow hair?” and threw it in the trash can.
• It’s makeover time. I was wondering when they were going to do this. I wonder who will run screaming into a mirror.
• Tyra is going to play “agent” and not tell the girls what their makeover will be until they get in the chair.
• What the !$%@^? As the girls are getting their makeovers Tyra pops up in a little animated TV in the bottom of the screen and starts spewing fake accents, nonsense and insanity. Shockingly, she calls it Tyra-vision. This is SO Blind Date.
• Tyra says Marvita is getting, and I QUOTE “a horse mane hair weave, which I’ve never seen before in my life. It’s something that I invented.” Tyra then makes a horse noise. Seriously Tyra, you did NOT invent this. It’s called a mullet and it was invented in New Hampshire.
• Why aren’t any girls crying yet? This sucks. One girl even had her head shaved…not one tear.
• FINALLY. Fatima is crying because her weave hurts. Well Fatima, sometimes weaves hurt.
• This week the girlies are posing by the Brooklyn Bridge this week. Elle MacPherson makes a surprise cameo, as the girls will be modeling Elle’s lingerie. Tyra is pulling out all the stops this cycle. I wonder why Tyra hasn’t decided to whip up a clothing line so she can have the girls model it, and mention herself even more on this show? Hmmm, something to think about Tyra. You can thank me by no longer appearing on television.
• Seriously, what the hell did they do to Claire’s hair. It looks terrible. Worse than the chick from the Legend of Billie Jean.
• At judging, Dominique is told that she is “commercial” and a “newspaper model.” They also show her cellulite. I mean honestly, isn’t that what airbrushing is for? I would be PISSED.
• Tyra makes the other judges “feel her booty” for no reason. Perv.
• Allison gets eliminated. She is aghast. She spent the entire episode saying that there is no way she will be eliminated. Don’t feel too bad Allison, at least Tyra didn’t give you a mullet and make you feel her booty.

America’s Next Top Model. It’s GREAT to be Homeless!

IBBB writer, Jenny, is back again this week to recap the crap out of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 10. I must say I honestly think this is one of the funniest ones she’s EVER written. Brilliant. Check out Jenny’s thoughts on last nights episode below:

• It’s season 10 and I notice that there are MANY more shots of Tyra in the opening credits. They used to show past contestants/winners. She has no shame.
• I really don’t understand Marvita Grace Jones. Now I am not saying I myself am a supermodel, but I am pretty sure she is not.
• Kim explains to us that she is not the dumb blond people think she is….Then she uses the word “exspecially.”
• The girls check out their new living situation and it seems as though several of the girls will be sleeping in one big bed. Nice. Just like cats!
• This week they are staging a runway show in Times Square. Um, hello….Mr. IBBB? Don’t you think you should have sent me on location to cover this? I could have reported live from your office window on the 40th floor via satellite webcast…..
• Marvita Grace Jones walks the run way as though it is the Green Mile.
• The girls head to Elite Modeling Agency to meet with Paulina Porizkova. She tells each of the girls their flaws….including bad skin, drag queen qualities and a smooshed face. Wow. And I thought IBBB making fun of little girls on Harriet Carter Wednesday was mean.
• They all hop into a cab hummer. What?
• Fatima tells Martiva she has a small, squishy face…This is after she whacked her in the head at the runway show. Marvita calls her the only mean African she has ever met. I officially hope Marvita kicks her ass.
• This week’s photo shoot has the girls posing as homeless people. That’s good Tyra. But I’m pretty sure that homeless people don’t travel with professional makeup artists, stylists and photographers.
• Tyra has gone all high-tech on us gang. Her Tyra Mail is now electronic. No more old fashioned paper and envelopes. I don’t think the interweb will catch on though.
• “Mean-a Paulina” is the new celebrity judge.
• Tyra takes this opportunity to tell us that she chose the homeless motif because it is an issue that is close to her heart. She says “On MY show, the Tyra BANKS show, I was homeless for a day.” Yeah, a day….not for nothin’ Tyra, but it’s not very believable when you get to “take off” your homeless make-up and homeless clothes and jump into your Mercedes to drive home to your penthouse…..But I digress.
• Tyra gives the girls advice when reviewing their pictures…This advice consists of Tyra saying “you should have done this” while straightening her shoulders and turning her head.
• Kim announces that she doesn’t find fashion interesting. They act as if she just announced that she is in Al Qaeda. Tyra asks her if she would like to go home. Kim says “yes” and literally turns and walks out the door. Um, I don’t think Tyra meant right this VERY second…but she did use the word “exspecially” so we really shouldn’t expect much.
• Atalya gets the boot. I wonder if she’ll run into Kim in the hallway because Kim is lost and can’t find the exit. Til next time…..

  

Previous ANTM Recaps

America’s Next Top Model Season 10 Recap

Alright alright! America’s Next Top Model Cycle 10 is back in action and so is ANTM recapper Jenny. I’ve given her a raise to recap each episode of ANTM so she is not making $0.19 an hour. Thank God the writers strike is over. Let’s take a look at Jenny’s thoughts on last nights episode of America’s Next….Top….Model….

• It’s another cycle of ANTM and I bet this will be dramatically different than the other 9 cycles. There probably won’t be any bitches, cry-babies or psychopaths this time. I bet Tyra won’t talk about herself at all, and Miss Jay will have a man’s haircut.
• Ok, I don’t know what just happened, but the girls are taking photos in catholic school uniforms. This reminds me of when I went to catholic school and the nuns would make us say Hail Mary’s out loud as a class every time we heard a siren go by.
• One girl looks suicidal and talks like she has a bottle of pills in her mouth.
• Everyone shows up at a football game and ex-ANTM’s are dressed up like cheerleaders. They scream some ridiculous cheer and are going to crown a homecoming queen.
• When Jay announces they are crowning a homecoming queen, all the girls squeal nervously as they HOPE and PRAY that they are the victor. But you little hussies just got Punk’d because Tyra bursts onto the stage and as it turns out SHE is homecoming queen. If you have been following this show at all, you are not the least bit surprised by this. This is officially an acid trip.
• Eeeeeewah! Some girl just asked the group if they wanted to check out her pubic hair. At this point I think she should be registered as a Level 3 sex offender
• …..Cue the obligatory plus size model…..and cue the chick who gets in front of the judges and starts the “you don’t know me…..you don’t know what I’ve been through….I’ve been abused…………..”
• I’m not sure, but I think I just saw Grace Jones in this group.
• For what seems like the next 6 hours, Tyra and the judges interview roughly 800 girls….or maybe 35 girls. Whatever.
• One girl is drinking her own breast milk. In a surprise twist, Tyra and the judges also pretend they are drinking it. What a hoot. Shoot me.
• It’s time for the girls to run and scream like headless chickens to see if they are one of the finalists.
• The finalists have to do their own hair and makeup and pose for class pictures. This is the final cut…..Winners get to move into the house in New York….and that WAS Grace Jones that I saw.
• “Suicidey” is one of the finalists….great.
• Ohhhhhh Tyra is sneaky….At the last minute she tells the girls that there will not be 13 finalists….there will be 14. Who cares? I am not impressed that since the last cycle Tyra finally learned to count to 14.
• And so begins another season of America’s Next Nightmare.