More Mindless Stories on ‘america's next top model’

America’s Next Top Model Recap: Marjorie Gets Drunk, Gets Watchable

Ah, with only 2 episodes left, Jenny is back to recap America’s Next Top Model. I have a feeling she’ll be giving me her notice before next season

• The hills are alive………with the sound of Tyra…..La la la la…….I am singing because we are down to the final two episodes. Once this ends, I hope my Tivo doesn’t get confused, think I like this show and start recording all the re-runs.
• Samantha just did the Arsenio hall “bark.” Are people still doing this? It is literally from like 18 years ago.
• I can’t STAND Marjorie. It’s like ground hog day. Every episode she is crying and one of the other models is trying to convince her she is a good model. She’s the worst.
• Paulina just showed up from 1985 via her time machine. She is going to teach them selling tricks, so she makes the girls sniff a barrel of herring. Next, they caress toilet paper. Valuable modeling life lessons.
• The girls audition for a 30 second commercial. They get to kiss a male super model. Winner gets a $10,000 shopping spree at G Star. All in all it’s a win-win.
• I want to crawl under a rock anticipating Marjorie’s attempt at this commercial. I know it’s going to be awkward. I am correct. The whole thing is awful.
• Well here I am with egg on my face…Marjorie WINS the challenge…Hold the bus! Some boys come over and Marjorie is getting HAMMERED. This is great. The best part is, none of the other girls drink. Marjorie starts making out with one of the guys. Then, she gets into the tub fully clothed. Analeigh gets all “boys get out of the house” Mckey threatens to physically remove them from the premises. Damn. Just when it was getting good.
• Good for Marjorie. I didn’t know the little hussy had it in her.
• This week’s photo session has the girls modeling as what I think are little Dutch girls after 2 eight balls and a fifth of vodka.
• WOW. Marjorie is drinking again….This girl is no joke this week (but she is every other week).
• It’s panel time and Tyra starts doing Japanese bows. Why?
• Tyra says that Mckey eyes bore into her soul and her lips make her want to go “neeeee neeeee neeee neeee” The other judges look at her like she just ate a live chicken.
• Marjorie and Sam are in the bottom two. So who stays? Nervous, crying, awkward, wine drinking Marjorie? Or the girl who according to Tyra “just……doesn’t……get it.” Marjorie gets the boot. Haavenstraat…Don’t let the Dutch clogs hit you in the windmill on the way out.
• See you next week at the finals!

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America’s Next Top Model Recap: Marjorie is a Spaz

Jenny is back to recap the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model. I think we may need to give her a new show for next season. Here’s what she said went down last night:

• Well, the final five girls are still in Amsterdammit…and are yelling things like “party of five!” and “woooooooo!!!!!!!!”
• It’s time for go sees! This is the same every cycle. It always involves clueless girls in a foreign city, getting lost, being late for their go sees and not making it back in time for the 5:00 deadline.
• The girls are traveling by boat…so how bad can it be right? No, they still all get totally lost. The streets are all like Haavenstraat and Shlatenhaaar…
• Also the people in Amsterdammit won’t give any of the girls the time of day. Every time someone asks for directions, the people just walk right by them. I mean, I’m from Boston and even we don’t do that. We may give you the wrong directions…but we’ll stop and give you some type of directions…Not to mention if you’re driving you don’t stand a chance anyway. Every street is a one way…none of which will go in the direction you need them to. But I digress.
• The rest of the competition is ho-hum, or hoe-hum…Marjorie cries and whines. A designer tells Elina she won’t work with her due to her large number of tattoos. Marjorie cries AGAIN. Oh, and Marjorie cries again. McKey is late getting back and is disqualified.
• Analeigh is the winner and wins $18,000 worth of prizes that she will get later at the apartment. How mysterious. Not really, she gets clothes. Does McKey have an accent? How have I not noticed this before? I need to step it up and take my job seriously.
• Get ready for this week’s photo shoot. Someone has their back to us…I thought it was going to be Tyra, but a random dude turns around with a face full of makeup. Tyra rolls up on the set and is the photographer for the shoot. The theme is no makeup and lots o’ makeup. Ok.
• Sidenote- Tyra does an EXCELLENT Miss Jay impression.
• Tyra coaches Elina on how to “let it all go.” She tells Elina to be “fashion” and a “monster”….Be a fashion monster! Stupid.
• European and European are in the bottom two. So who stays? The European or the European? The European is sent…..home…..She must pack up her bags and return to America immediately. Haavenstraat!

America’s Next Top Model Recap: Prostitutes in an Amsterdam Window!

ANTM recapper, Jenny, may be trying to get out of recapping this horrific season of America’s Next Top Model, but she’s under contract until the end of the year. Nice try. Here’s what went down last night when the skanks were in Amsterdam:

• Time to settle in for another award winning episode of ANTM. That reminds me…hey IBBB, I think it’s time for a raise. This 6 cents an hour crap is for the birds. Scratch that…even the birds would tell you to piss off.
• The girls are greeted by Daphne Deckers, host of ANTM Amsterdam. Everyone curtsey to the queen.
• The girls have to find their own house…whoever gets there first gets 50 extra frames. This is a total rip off of the Amazing Race. Tyra you can copy that show all you want…you ain’t gettin’ an Emmy.
• Side note, my “r” key isn’t working correctly and I have to slam it to get an “r” to come out on the screen….further pissing me off.
• Elina and Sam arrive at the house first, winning the challenge.
• How clever, Tyra now puts her Tyra Mail in a pair of Dutch shoes. Too predictable…I think it would have been better if she pinned it to some chick’s ass cheeks in the Red Light District. Or maybe when they are done reading it, they could roll it up into a joint. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
• Challenge number 2 has the girls posing in a window in the Red Light District…Red Light Fashion Amsterdam. Winner of this one gets to attend the International Fashion Week…courtesy of the city of Amsterdam. I say the winner of this one gets pimped out (by Tyra) for the remainder of their stay in Amsterdam. Sam and McKey win this one.
• Meanwhile back at the whorehouse, the girls get into an argument regarding prostitution and whether or not it should be respected. I can’t get past the fact that when the girls do their commentary, they are sitting in front of a Windmill blue screen.
• This week’s photo shoot is on a ship. I can’t believe none of these girls shouted “I’m the king of the world!” I would have bet 6 pesos on that.
• It’s panel time, and one girl will be packing up her bongs and heading back to the good old U.S. of A….
• Elina and Sheena are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl who loves Europe and legalized prostitution? Or the girl who said she doesn’t have breast implants, but said she does have breast implants?
• Elina gets to stay and the other girls look like they want to kill themselves. The truth is, I really want to kill myself as there are 3 more weeks of this. See you when I see you.

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America’s Next Top Model Recap: Who’s Going to Amsterdam!?

Poor Jenny is still being forced, by law, to recap America’s Next Top Model. It’s mandated community service hours. Here’s what went down last night on ANTM:

• The show opens with the girls fighting over the European chicks. They say nobody understands what it’s like to be European. One of the other girls calls them out and says “didn’t you move to America when you were eight?” This leads to tears. Mine.
• The Bobbsey Twins show up to teach the girls how to work accessories. Evidently, you don’t just wear them. Per James St. James, (what is this guy?) you wear green spandex over your face and body (kinda like green man from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia).
• What a cast of characters we have showing up today…I can’t type fast enough to keep up with this. Nony Tochterman is here. She has the hair of a 76 year old woman who just got her hair “set” for the week at the salon—except it’s pink. She seriously looks like a character from an SNL skit. Remember that crazy lady with all the medication that Cheri Oteri played? Yeah.
• For the challenge the girls are going to model Crazy McNutcase’s clothing line…with special effects…The girls are going to disappear, revealing only the clothes. I hope these effects are better than the cartoon lightning bolts from Tyra’s Megatron machine in the season opener.
• The winner gets to be in a holiday photo shoot in the December issue of Seventeen Magazine. I say the winner should be allowed to reappear after the fashion show, while all the losers remain invisible for the remainder of the season.
• PS- James St. James is literally wearing a white stegosaurus blazer.
• Time for the s#it show! I mean, fashion show. Marjorie’s dress fell off and she didn’t even notice. This tells me quite a bit about Marjorie and what she’s like on a Saturday night.
• Elina wins the challenge. Ok. Boring.
• Another fight breaks out at the house because a girl is using teriyaki sauce and someone else uses a Chinese accent. It’s not the Asian girls that gets angry though, it’s the European girls. Why are they involved in this? No substitutions!
• Whitney, the cycle 10 winner pops up for the Cover Girl commercial. Analeigh is psyched…She says “This is huge!” Better not let Tyra hear you talk about plus sized models like that Analeigh, or she will tell you to KISS HER FAT ASS!
• I still don’t understand why they are allowed to show people’s puke on TV. When did this happen? Disgusting.
• What the hell? Tyra just busted out wooden clogs for the girls to runway walk in. They are seriously like clown shoes. The wheels have officially fallen off this show.
• Oh God. They are wearing clogs because they going over to seas to AMSTERDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!! All hell breaks loose as a cartoon windmill and kissing dutch boys/girls show up on the screen. Tyra is waving flags and the Bobbsey Twins are dressed up as windmills and prancing across the stage.
• After the gleeful festivities, Tyra announces that not everyone is going to Amsterdam. Couldn’t she have had the Amsterdam party AFTER elimination? That’s like taking the cake and ice-cream out of the kid’s hand and kicking him out of the birthday party.
• Which of the girls is NOT going to Amsterdam? Alina (a European chick) and Joslyn are in the bottom two. Tyra starts up with the trigonometry, telling us that there are 2 girls and only one photo in her hands. European chick is going to Amsterdam and Joslyn is going……..home……
• See y’all in Amsterdam. Konichiwa bitches!

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America’s Next Top Model Recap: Fiercee Awards Signature Poses. Wait, Huh?!

ANTM as recapped by the brilliance of Jenny. Here’s what went down on last nights America’s Next…..Top…..Model.

• Here we go, another riveting week of ANTM. What will the ladies do this week? Stimulate the economy? Discover the truth about global warming? Smoke the terrorists out of their holes?
• Nope, they’re going to make pancakes and talk about who is the next to go home. I was close. I wonder if this show is banned in any other countries.
• Tyra shows up and delivers Tyra Mail in person, along with a ridiculous rhyme. What a treat. The girls enter the photo studio to find Tyra doing all kinds of poses with her shoes and legs.
• Evidently Tyra’s signature is her eyes. At least I am assuming that is her signature, as she just keeps pointing to her eyes. Maybe her signature is poking herself in the eyeballs or performing some type of retina witchcraft.
• For this week’s challenge, the models get 20 pictures. They’ll take 10 pics…then they get to peek at them…then take another 10 pics. Time to get a signature pose or get clipped by Tyra.
• These girls’ poses are the most nonsensical thing I have ever seen. They are all terrible and Tyra’s instructions are worse. She is doing African dance moves and making bell sounds.
• Marjorie wins the challenge. She was the hunchback of Notre Dame. Exactly. They get to pick diamonds. Whatever. The real prize should be White Diamonds, the 80’s perfume by Elizabeth Taylor. Nothing says 4:00 Mass with Nana like White Diamonds.
• Off to the Orpheum Theater. It’s the backdrop for this week’s photo shoot. Time to act out embarrassing moments. I mean, where to begin. One example, “I want to pee and I can’t get out of my gown.” I hope someone does “I saw Tyra on the streets of L.A. and didn’t recognize her, so she beat my ass.”
• Random videos of Tyra with a feather duster.
• Tyra shows up to judging with her hood on. Tyra tells us she is Little Black Riding Hood. She looks like the Grim Reaper. I wish she would kill me.
• Lauren Brie and Sheena are in bottom two. So who stays? The girl who Tyra thinks is a hoochie? Or the girl who’s hair is transparent? See through hair (Lauren Brie) is asked to leave the competition. I can’t believe there are 7 girls left….another month of this show?

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