• Wow. Note to self, unless you are actually George Michael under no circumstance should you be singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” as Luke has done. Hey Luke, a good rule of thumb is that you should stay away from any song that has the words “go-go” in it. You’ll thank me later. If you’re going to sing it you might as well as shave off your beard and put that pink tutu on again. Yowza and why the hell is he singing so high? Dogs are barking outside of my apartment…although it could just be the homeless guy who is tormenting them.
• You know it’s bad when Randy asks “Are you having a good time up there?” My answer would be, “Randy, go F yourself. Now stop the smalltalk and give me my critique.”
• Paula told Luke she really liked his instrument. I love a perverted Paula.
• Oh crap, here comes the new Melinda Doolittle or “Giggles McLaughs-Alot” as I like to call him….David Archulettuce.
• Great, he chose Phil Collins. 2 things I hate: The British and songs that make me feel like I’m heading off to a funeral….my own. Does David shop in the boys department? I mean, I’m sure he’s in a “toddlers husky” at Sears. Oh that’s right I just punk’d you David Archulettuce!
• If Paula was a teacher and David was in her class, Paula would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
• Hi Denise Richards! You looked happy to be there.
• Danny Noriega is absolutely Vanessa Minillo. He’s singing Tainted Love and added some purple streaks in his hair which really butched him up.
• If Danny was a teacher and David was in his class, Danny would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
• Paula is trying to give Danny advice, but doesn’t form 1 complete thought. Literally, not one complete thought.
• David Hernandez is talking about his most embarrassing moment. Why isn’t he mentioning his stripper moments? Is that not embarrassing?
• Crap, he’s singing Celine F’n Dion. Does he kinda look like David Copperfield?
• Wait, who the hell are his backup singers? No joke I think one lady is in a Halloween costume.
• If Ryan Seacrest was a teacher and David was in his class, Ryan would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
• David Cook is tackling Lionel Richie (not literally). I may regret saying this, but it’s actually good, as the original “Hello” made me want to take a dirt nap. This one only makes me want to take a dirt snooze….that’s different from a dirt nap.
• Simon tells David that he likes it and says it in a way that we’re all supposed to squeal with delight. Oh F you.
• How the hell many people are named David on this show?
• David Castro is up. He makes me nervous, kinda like when you’re walking by that drunken homeless person at like 3 in the morning and even though you’re drunk too you still get a little nervous thinking, “Is this one of those crazy drunken homeless dudes who is so F’d in the head that he’s going to try and stab me with a knife he found in the dumpster.” Yeah, well David Cook makes me nervous like that. Anyone else with me? crickets. crickets. crickets.
• Did Paula just call him Jason?
• Did Simon just call him Jason?
• Wait, his name is Jason? Why did I think it was David? More importantly, how the hell long has this show been on for? I feel like I’m trapped in an America’s Next Top Model MTV marathon. Someone help me. Please.
• Chikezie is up. Didn’t he sing this song 15 times before? I’m done recapping. Even I hate me at this point.

Isn’t American Idol quite the wholesome family show? The singing, the dancing, the audience applause. Well you sick rat bastards did you know that one of your favorite American Idol contestants, David Hernandez, used to show his dingleberry and bum for money? Yup. Rumor has it that David used to work as a stripper at “Dick’s Cabaret” in sunny Arizona and would “do the lapdances” the kids like on a mostly male crowd. Now, no judgements but didn’t Frenchie Davis have pictures of herself in a bra that also doubled as tarp at Fenway Park on a website and she got the boot for it? There is no word yet if this rumor is true or if David gets the boot, but I’m thinking that American Idol may take part in big boob discrimination, one of the earliest types of discrimination I believe. Supposedly there are pictures of David out on the Internet, but that’s just one Google search I’m not ready to perform. I’ll stick to cameltoe, hoo-ha flashes, and the occasional upskirt, but dingleberry postings is a line I’m not ready to cross.

Oh by the way, my favorite line of the article that I found this information on was an interview by the strip club manager that said, “Bryan said he was aware that Hernandez was a vocalist, but that Hernandez never sang at the club.” Really? He never sang? Any strip club that I went to always had the girls belting out tunes, as that is what most people there are there for…no?

Ah yes, the Idol is back and is just about ready to kick off 4 people so I thought it was the perfect time to recap that absolute piss out of last nights episode. Who stays? Who goes? How many times will Simon ask Paula what Ryan said? How many peace finger signs will Randy throw up? How many different ways will Paula clap during the show? All this and much much less is answered below. Here’s how the shitstorm went down:

• Perfect! Simon already asked Paula what Ryan just said and Paula whispers that she can’t hear him. Really? He’s standing about 5 feet from you and is talking directly to you. Why is Paula all normal during the first few audition episodes, but then turns into everyones crazy medicated grandmother during the live shows?
• Randy’s dressed like he’s heading to the sock-hop right after the show.
  Paula is trying to say that these kids should have tried to get record deals before they tried out or they shouldn’t be on the show. At least I think that’s what she said. She may have been discussing a recipe for chocolate chip pancakes with a side of home-fries. I’ve lost track.
• Is Ryan fat this season?
• Oh crap. Now’s just about the time when I get embarrassed for myself. The guys are singing as a group and are dressed in suits. That one kid looks like Vanessa Minillo. I forget his name. And the kid with the long blond curly perm looks like Farrah Fawcett.
• Great, here come the girls. Many of them have scarves on their heads. They are now officially dressed for their 60’s routine?
• Wow, it’s only been 12 minutes and I already hate myself more this time this year then last year when Idol was on. This must be a record.
• David Archuletta is officially the Melinda Doolittle from last year.
• Oh, the kids name is Danny Noriega. He’s the one who looks like Vanessa Minillo.
• Jason Castro, for sure, will shoot the place up if he’s kicked off. For sure.
• The kid who looks like Farrah Fawcett just got the boot.
• Garrett, clearly, did such a good job the other night that he got the boot and gets to sing his crappy song again. Why is his mom on stage? He’s totally gonna get stuffed into a locker for that on Monday.
• Amanda Overmyer. Not only does she look like my old lunch lady, but I believe this chick is currently on Big Brother. Is that possible? Maybe they let her out of the house 3 times a week for the Idol?
• Katie Malloy is the skank of the season…I hope. Someone check myspace.
• They tried to pull the old switcheroo with Kristy. She gets to stay, but Amy Davis gets the boot. Good luck with the porn career Amy!
• Paula just told her to “paint that door and that knob.” Huh? She really said that. Does Paula smell burnt toast? Is she having a stroke?
• Holy Mc Skat Cat! They’re playing Paula Abdul’s new music video, which I believe it titled, “Dance Like There’s No Paula Abdul.” I’m already turning red. Oh crap Randy is playing the guitar. Is that Tila Tequila in the background dancing? Oh God this would be like watching your parents singing on stage. Gulp.
• Remember when they stretched out Paula Abdul’s body for the “Promise of a New Day” video? That was brilliant. I miss those days.
• What is the point of this show? Paula is just basically selling herself. I’m confused. Is this still a singing competition?
• Joanne got the boot and looks like she couldn’t care less. I know I couldn’t.
  All the other girls are crying like they are spraying Joanne with bullets as she sings. There’s a war going on. This is ok.
• Colton gets the boot. Vanessa Minillo is already crying in the background.
• Simon tells Colton to get a job and sing on the side because he’ll never make it as a singer. Awesome. This kid should be on dirt nap watch.

This is finally over. It’s painful. Wanna read more about American Idol? Check out this site: American Idol 411

Become MYSPACE Friends With IBBB and Share Your Favorite American Idol Moments…or Don’t

Dear American Idol Contestants,

Hey there how are you? I’m sure you’re already stressed at this point so I’ll keep this short. I have a few requests, if you don’t mind. First, at the beginning of each episode when they announce you one by one and you enter the stage can you please stop doing the ridiculous pointing into the camera? This also includes awkward peace signs, pretending your shooting a gun towards the camera and then blowing into it, and very fast and fancy waving into the camera. All of these things make me very embarrassed and I’m pretty sure I turn some shade of red when I see this happening. Great. Next up, while performing on stage please don’t follow the camera while it circles around you and sing directly into it because at some point you’re turned almost all the way around and then they switch over to the other camera that’s straight on you and you look all twisted and crazy. Oh, and it makes me feel like you’re staring me down kinda like those old Jesus pictures where the eyes would follow you when you walked by. Finally, if you;re deemed one of the “rockers” you don’t have to pick up the mic stand and carry and twirl it around the stage while singing. We get it. You know how to do tricks with the mic stand, but it makes me stop focusing on your “sing yelling” and then I get sidetracked and wonder if I, too, could do such mic stand tricks.

Thanks for your time and cooperation with these requests.

Luke-Warm Regards,

IBBB

Yeah so “The Idol Machine” is back in full force this week and I’m not looking forward it all. Here’s why: